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I Won't Be Able to See You Again
The man sucked on the cigarette. With a lightly tapped tip of the ash, smooth smoke blew against the wind. The screams from inside drowned in the background. His name was being called.
Just one more minute is all he asked for.
A trashcan stumbled. From it, a black cat emerged out the dark. Its hairs were already standing on end. The back of its throat hissed at the man in the instant their eyes had locked.
The man approached while the cat stood his ground. It growled and hissed further, ever confident as the man's foot made contact. The feline had been sent flying. He went back and lit his next cigarette as the cat scrambled away. The man enjoyed the silence his tobacco as he puffed and smoked to his heart's content.
Moments later, the feline returned. Their eyes locked again with the man growling at the cat's stubbornness. Before he had thought to move, the cat's mouth wrapped itself around a kitten, one who was hidden behind the next dumpster. The mother hurried away with her newborn immediately after.
The man released his breath as time had stood still. Back to his own business, he noted. His stick ran out just in time as his minute ran up. He fumbled with the keys, struggling to get them inside the lock of the steel door. He heard a crash with the trash cans. He looked back. More cats.
The man sighed and paused. From his lunch container, he threw a nasty tasting fish to the ground. He went inside and didn't look back.
The light turned green. The man rummaged with his lighter. By now, he was barely capable of keeping his hands still. The car behind him honked.
Yeah yeah, just one more minute.
From his glove compartment, his hand quaked as he grabbed the orange vial of medicine. He gulped two pills with a dry cough.
He was tired. The lighter laid in his lap as the car passed him by from behind. He didn't move. By the time the pills had started taking effect, his head finally came up to view the street.
In front of him a van. It advertised for its business in great colors that superbly caught his attention. He knew what it was except his mind didn't fully process it. He drove past as his mind returned to the road.
The puff of smoke blew from the man's face once more as his deadpanned face ignored the screams from inside. His mind was once more in bliss, same as the night before.
A familiar cat of black came out from the darkness. The man's eyes had locked once more with the animal's. The man blinked in a calm, attentive manner.
He reached into his lunch. With a throw, the fish landed right beside the mother who wasted no time picking it up and taking it back into the darkness.
A meow erupted from his feet immediately after. It was a different cat, one with a scar on his right eye. He kneeled down and pat him on the head. With his last minute up, however, he continued back inside. He didn't look back.
His last words with animal control were a thank you. He walked away from the bright colored, attention-grabbing van as it pulled away from the back alleyway. The man watched as the numerous cats continued to mew from their cages.
He took out his last cigarette and puffed away.
From the lit bed by the window of the hospital room, the man caught his attention to the nurse who had just entered. She greeted the man while the two held a brief conversation.
Followed with the promise of a surprise, a cage was pulled by another into the room. It was a cat. The same right eyed scarred feline from before. The man couldn't help but smile. He had thought he had gotten rid of him from his life, but here this stubborn cat was.
The ball of fluff pounced into the man's lap. He purred as he was pet in the same spot as before. The man asked if the cat was up for adoption. He wasn't. He asked for who adopted him. It was her daughter.
The man sighed. The nurse promised to give him a good home. She also explained to him of her soon leave.
Just one more minute is all he asked for. Just one more minute.
Just one more minute is all he asked for.
A trashcan stumbled. From it, a black cat emerged out the dark. Its hairs were already standing on end. The back of its throat hissed at the man in the instant their eyes had locked.
The man approached while the cat stood his ground. It growled and hissed further, ever confident as the man's foot made contact. The feline had been sent flying. He went back and lit his next cigarette as the cat scrambled away. The man enjoyed the silence his tobacco as he puffed and smoked to his heart's content.
Moments later, the feline returned. Their eyes locked again with the man growling at the cat's stubbornness. Before he had thought to move, the cat's mouth wrapped itself around a kitten, one who was hidden behind the next dumpster. The mother hurried away with her newborn immediately after.
The man released his breath as time had stood still. Back to his own business, he noted. His stick ran out just in time as his minute ran up. He fumbled with the keys, struggling to get them inside the lock of the steel door. He heard a crash with the trash cans. He looked back. More cats.
The man sighed and paused. From his lunch container, he threw a nasty tasting fish to the ground. He went inside and didn't look back.
The light turned green. The man rummaged with his lighter. By now, he was barely capable of keeping his hands still. The car behind him honked.
Yeah yeah, just one more minute.
From his glove compartment, his hand quaked as he grabbed the orange vial of medicine. He gulped two pills with a dry cough.
He was tired. The lighter laid in his lap as the car passed him by from behind. He didn't move. By the time the pills had started taking effect, his head finally came up to view the street.
In front of him a van. It advertised for its business in great colors that superbly caught his attention. He knew what it was except his mind didn't fully process it. He drove past as his mind returned to the road.
The puff of smoke blew from the man's face once more as his deadpanned face ignored the screams from inside. His mind was once more in bliss, same as the night before.
A familiar cat of black came out from the darkness. The man's eyes had locked once more with the animal's. The man blinked in a calm, attentive manner.
He reached into his lunch. With a throw, the fish landed right beside the mother who wasted no time picking it up and taking it back into the darkness.
A meow erupted from his feet immediately after. It was a different cat, one with a scar on his right eye. He kneeled down and pat him on the head. With his last minute up, however, he continued back inside. He didn't look back.
His last words with animal control were a thank you. He walked away from the bright colored, attention-grabbing van as it pulled away from the back alleyway. The man watched as the numerous cats continued to mew from their cages.
He took out his last cigarette and puffed away.
From the lit bed by the window of the hospital room, the man caught his attention to the nurse who had just entered. She greeted the man while the two held a brief conversation.
Followed with the promise of a surprise, a cage was pulled by another into the room. It was a cat. The same right eyed scarred feline from before. The man couldn't help but smile. He had thought he had gotten rid of him from his life, but here this stubborn cat was.
The ball of fluff pounced into the man's lap. He purred as he was pet in the same spot as before. The man asked if the cat was up for adoption. He wasn't. He asked for who adopted him. It was her daughter.
The man sighed. The nurse promised to give him a good home. She also explained to him of her soon leave.
Just one more minute is all he asked for. Just one more minute.
I have no idea what the screaming is supposed to be. Also the repetition of "Just one more minute" feels really forced to me. I suspect it has to do with the way each repetition seems to be in reference to a different thing or event, which ruins the continuity created by such a repetition.
Typo.
nasty-tasting
Not sure if this is for effect or a typo.
Soon is an adverb, not an adjective.
The man enjoyed the silence his tobacco
Typo.
he threw a nasty tasting fish to the ground
nasty-tasting
In front of him a van.
Not sure if this is for effect or a typo.
She also explained to him of her soon leave.
Soon is an adverb, not an adjective.
What I liked: how you showed the man being swept along in the currents of his life. In particular how he didn't seem to even make any decision about whether or not he wants the cats around - to me he seemed to just go through the motions and do whatever. Kick them? Feed them? Get them removed? Whatever. (I didn't feel like anyone or anything made the decision for him, but like he just went with his gut.)
What I didn't like: the "I want just one more minute" moments didn't seem like he this-is-important-to-me-wanted it, but rather like he only it'd-be-nice-but-whatever-wanted it. Guess that's the flip side of the man appearing so indifferent.
Also what Dolfus Doseux said.
What I didn't like: the "I want just one more minute" moments didn't seem like he this-is-important-to-me-wanted it, but rather like he only it'd-be-nice-but-whatever-wanted it. Guess that's the flip side of the man appearing so indifferent.
Also what Dolfus Doseux said.
This is... fine. I feel like the thread of the MC is a bit iffy though, particularly in regards to the animal services stuff.
This might not be intentional, but calling animal control in this case is arguably a bit of a negative/aggressive act considering that I believe the majority of city shelters are still kill shelters. Of all the stray animals, cats are pretty good at surviving on their own, so calling animal control feels a bit like attempting to get rid of them.
Considering the core of the story is really about the man's interactions with the cat, the car scene is fairly out of place and should probably be removed/replaced as it disrupts the flow.
This might not be intentional, but calling animal control in this case is arguably a bit of a negative/aggressive act considering that I believe the majority of city shelters are still kill shelters. Of all the stray animals, cats are pretty good at surviving on their own, so calling animal control feels a bit like attempting to get rid of them.
Considering the core of the story is really about the man's interactions with the cat, the car scene is fairly out of place and should probably be removed/replaced as it disrupts the flow.
Unfortunately, the grammatical errors in this piece were frequent enough to interfere with my reading experience. There's not much to be said about that other than keep learning, keep trying, and solicit a prereader or more in-depth assistance after the round. Kinda reads like English is not the author's first language, in which case, serious congratulations for the courage to participate anyway!
As to the story, I felt like I didn't learn enough about the protagonist to understand the meaning behind it. Too many important details are missing. Who is screaming, why is his name being called? What are the pills? Is he calling animal control to take care of the cats, or get rid of them? Who is in the hospital? What does he want one more minute for? And so on.
Overall this didn't land with me, but thank you for writing, and best of luck next time!
As to the story, I felt like I didn't learn enough about the protagonist to understand the meaning behind it. Too many important details are missing. Who is screaming, why is his name being called? What are the pills? Is he calling animal control to take care of the cats, or get rid of them? Who is in the hospital? What does he want one more minute for? And so on.
Overall this didn't land with me, but thank you for writing, and best of luck next time!
I’m with Ran here. The clunky sentences and occasional grammar blunders threw me off. Also, the story doesn’t really click with me. I don’t see what the conflict is, and why the guy suddenly wants to adopt the cat. There are, as Ran said, too many important pieces left out for me to put them back together and complete the jigsaw.
Sorry. But take heart. And be sure it won’t land at the bottom of my slate.
Sorry. But take heart. And be sure it won’t land at the bottom of my slate.
There are a lot of typos, misused words, and strange phrasing in this which kept throwing me out of the stream of thought.
Beyond that, I'm not sure what to take away from this. We have no idea what the man does, and the scene changes seem to make no sense. Things (like the advertising on the van) are called out clearly, but never shown/explained.
Overall, as others have said, this just doesn't do much for me.
Beyond that, I'm not sure what to take away from this. We have no idea what the man does, and the scene changes seem to make no sense. Things (like the advertising on the van) are called out clearly, but never shown/explained.
Overall, as others have said, this just doesn't do much for me.
I really like the idea of the story: a dying man interacts with the stray cats around his house and looks at everything in his world through a hypersensitive lens. The story also does a good job in showing the dullness that slowly dying often entails, instead of the melodramatic pressure other stories try to create. I especially enjoyed the story ending before his death; the theme was already clear, and ending with him in the bed seemed like a fitting conclusion in a story that involved lots of walking and driving.
However, I think the story as a whole doesn’t entirely work. The narrator doesn’t really grab my attention, since everything we see involves him interacting with the cats and animal control. These events certainly reveal a few things about him, but not enough to where I really got invested in his oncoming demise. I also thought the scarred cat showing back up didn’t really work as a bookend, considering that the cat appeared in the section right before that. There wasn’t enough time to form much of an emotional resonance with him, unlike the Mama Cat he sees multiple times. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to see her again? It’s a small detail, but it’s one that I think really affects how readers interpret the final scene.
A story with a good tone, but needing a little expansion in everything else.
However, I think the story as a whole doesn’t entirely work. The narrator doesn’t really grab my attention, since everything we see involves him interacting with the cats and animal control. These events certainly reveal a few things about him, but not enough to where I really got invested in his oncoming demise. I also thought the scarred cat showing back up didn’t really work as a bookend, considering that the cat appeared in the section right before that. There wasn’t enough time to form much of an emotional resonance with him, unlike the Mama Cat he sees multiple times. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to see her again? It’s a small detail, but it’s one that I think really affects how readers interpret the final scene.
A story with a good tone, but needing a little expansion in everything else.