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The Thanatometer
I banged at Naoki’s door. The youngest offspring of a wealthy Japanese family, my friend had always been a sort of crackpot, the crazy scientist guy you find in comics. He had transformed his spacious condominium in downtown New York into a laboratory populated with strange contraptions, buzzing measuring instruments and heaps of arcane physics books. Kooky maybe, but level-headed. I looked again at my phone. “Come here at once, I need to talk to you.” his text said. This was no good omen.
The door cracked open and Naoki motioned me inside. As soon as I entered, he put a strange device, like a metallic pear with a small protruding tube, in my hand. I looked down at it then up at him. His face was ashen.
“Press that switch,” he said in a quavering voice, pointing to a small nub on the device.
I did. A red LED blinked. Nothing else happened.
“You saw it, eh? The blinking red light?” he asked.
”Yeah, I did. So what?” I replied.
“Turn it around and try it on you.”
I spun the device in my hand. When the tiny tube faced me, I pressed the switch. A green LED lit up.
Naoki cast a triumphant glance at me. “See?”
“I don’t understand.”
“I can’t really elaborate. This device,” he began, “is a thanatometer. It—”
“A what now?!”
“A thanatometer. It measures the time the person you aim it at still has to live, and displays the result in colors from green to red. Blinking red means terminal.”
He paused, looked down, then back up to me. “I’m sorry to break it to you,” he slowly said, as if stressing each word, “but I have only a few more hours left in this vale of tears.”
“What?!” I exclaimed. “This is complete nonsense! How could such a device exist?”
“I have worked the theory out, and you’ll find the papers in my safe, if you’re interested. The idea is simple: you know we live in a four dimension world, right? Spacetime, as brainiacs call it. Well, this device probes into spacetime and measures your extension in all the four dimensions, time included. From that, it computes your lifespan, thus the time you still have to live.”
I looked at the widget I held in my hand in horror. Could it be true? Yet, it was well within Naoki’s unmatched abilities to create such a dreadful toy.
“You know how wicked human nature is, right?” he continued. “After I rigged it up, I often took it for a stroll, pointing it discreetly at random people in the streets. Sometimes I made striking discoveries: Ferrari, Corvette or other sport cars’ drivers, bike riders, simple pedestrians in their thirties, teens, children and even now and then babies in their carriages, all blinking red. Who could’ve imagined?
“But it was a sort of seedy game, and I quickly got bored of it. So I tossed the thanatometer away in my safe, and took to using it only on me. Every year at first, then every other, then, you know, as I grew overconfident, every five years or so, like a routine checkup. Until this morning. Boom! Torpedoed and sunk. There’s no denying it, I’m done for.”
“But… But do you feel bad? Out of sorts? Anything wrong?” I asked.
“Not at all,” he answered, and a faint smile played on his lips. “Never felt better! I could even swim the seven seas if you asked me. Yet somehow I’m at death’s door. And now if you’d excuse me…”
He sidled past me, opened the door and went out to call the elevator. When he came back he nudged me outside. “…I still have a few chores to look after in private. Farewell, my friend!” he concluded, before shutting the door behind me.
I was too befuddled to react immediately as I should have. Instead, I tottered into the elevator and pushed the ground level button.
I was halfway down when the gun went off.
The door cracked open and Naoki motioned me inside. As soon as I entered, he put a strange device, like a metallic pear with a small protruding tube, in my hand. I looked down at it then up at him. His face was ashen.
“Press that switch,” he said in a quavering voice, pointing to a small nub on the device.
I did. A red LED blinked. Nothing else happened.
“You saw it, eh? The blinking red light?” he asked.
”Yeah, I did. So what?” I replied.
“Turn it around and try it on you.”
I spun the device in my hand. When the tiny tube faced me, I pressed the switch. A green LED lit up.
Naoki cast a triumphant glance at me. “See?”
“I don’t understand.”
“I can’t really elaborate. This device,” he began, “is a thanatometer. It—”
“A what now?!”
“A thanatometer. It measures the time the person you aim it at still has to live, and displays the result in colors from green to red. Blinking red means terminal.”
He paused, looked down, then back up to me. “I’m sorry to break it to you,” he slowly said, as if stressing each word, “but I have only a few more hours left in this vale of tears.”
“What?!” I exclaimed. “This is complete nonsense! How could such a device exist?”
“I have worked the theory out, and you’ll find the papers in my safe, if you’re interested. The idea is simple: you know we live in a four dimension world, right? Spacetime, as brainiacs call it. Well, this device probes into spacetime and measures your extension in all the four dimensions, time included. From that, it computes your lifespan, thus the time you still have to live.”
I looked at the widget I held in my hand in horror. Could it be true? Yet, it was well within Naoki’s unmatched abilities to create such a dreadful toy.
“You know how wicked human nature is, right?” he continued. “After I rigged it up, I often took it for a stroll, pointing it discreetly at random people in the streets. Sometimes I made striking discoveries: Ferrari, Corvette or other sport cars’ drivers, bike riders, simple pedestrians in their thirties, teens, children and even now and then babies in their carriages, all blinking red. Who could’ve imagined?
“But it was a sort of seedy game, and I quickly got bored of it. So I tossed the thanatometer away in my safe, and took to using it only on me. Every year at first, then every other, then, you know, as I grew overconfident, every five years or so, like a routine checkup. Until this morning. Boom! Torpedoed and sunk. There’s no denying it, I’m done for.”
“But… But do you feel bad? Out of sorts? Anything wrong?” I asked.
“Not at all,” he answered, and a faint smile played on his lips. “Never felt better! I could even swim the seven seas if you asked me. Yet somehow I’m at death’s door. And now if you’d excuse me…”
He sidled past me, opened the door and went out to call the elevator. When he came back he nudged me outside. “…I still have a few chores to look after in private. Farewell, my friend!” he concluded, before shutting the door behind me.
I was too befuddled to react immediately as I should have. Instead, I tottered into the elevator and pushed the ground level button.
I was halfway down when the gun went off.
Interesting premise, but the ending is devoid of logic and falls flat, rather than the powerful twist it was intended to be. The dialogue feels somewhat forced and a bit dramatic:
It doesn't flow well and somewhat mutes the urgency of what's actually at stake. The prose itself is competent, but overall it doesn't quite work for me.
this vale of tears
After I rigged it up, I often took it for a stroll, pointing it discreetly at random people in the streets.
It doesn't flow well and somewhat mutes the urgency of what's actually at stake. The prose itself is competent, but overall it doesn't quite work for me.
The concept of a device to tell when you will die is an explored gimmick in SF, to say the least (It’s the theme of Heinlein’s first published story, for example). The obvious thing to do with the idea is to hoist the inventor by his own petard, which is all that really happens in this story. Just coming up with a gadget or gimmick isn’t enough; what really makes a SF story shine is the non-obvious effects the gimmick has upon the world around it. For instance, what would society be like if this device were common knowledge and had been in use for a generation? How would it affect the insurance companies, legal system, hospitals, politics? I grant that minific rounds don’t have a lot of room for playing with ideas, and I know that coming up with original ideas is very hard! But when writing SF, you have to keep pushing the envelope.
As to the prose, it does what it needs to do in presenting the idea, but doesn’t step far beyond that. Sparkling prose can save a story with a basic idea by taking a different track to entertain or instruct the reader. We don’t get any deeper insight into why Naoki chose to presumably self-fulfill his own prophecy. It just happens offscreen. Watching a man wrestle with an inevitable death can be compelling if it gives us an insight into his character, and this is another approach you can take on expanding this story.
In all, I will class this as mid tier. Please don’t be discouraged, Author. The easy ground has long been covered in SF, but there’s still room to find a fresh angle on things.
As to the prose, it does what it needs to do in presenting the idea, but doesn’t step far beyond that. Sparkling prose can save a story with a basic idea by taking a different track to entertain or instruct the reader. We don’t get any deeper insight into why Naoki chose to presumably self-fulfill his own prophecy. It just happens offscreen. Watching a man wrestle with an inevitable death can be compelling if it gives us an insight into his character, and this is another approach you can take on expanding this story.
In all, I will class this as mid tier. Please don’t be discouraged, Author. The easy ground has long been covered in SF, but there’s still room to find a fresh angle on things.
Ever since Syeekoh's Thanatosian stories, I have had the etymology of "Thanato–" burned into my mind so that I don't end up researching it again, mostly because I felt stupid for having to look it up in the first place despite having played as Thanatos in Smite. Unfortunately, this means that the general idea of this story was blindingly obvious from it's title. Sorry author: probably not your fault, but that certainly didn't help me enjoy any tension or suspense that might have been here. Perhaps a different title would be a good plan?
Still, despite their predictability, I certainly enjoyed the ideas on display here enough. This was the kind of approach to dark topics that I enjoy: characters treating death as if it's a casual conversation piece is something I generally like, and it was good to see that here. And your ending? I certainly didn't see that coming, and though it might not have been the most tactful take on the subject, I thought it was an interesting twist that recontextualised some earlier prose in just the way a good twist should. I only wish there were more for it to recontextualise!
Prose-wise, though... I'm not so sold. There are some really strange word choices (is "befuddled" in that penultimate paragraph really a better choice than "confused"? Is the contrast and juxtaposition of images inherent in the phrase "dreadful toy" really the effect you wanted to achieve there, rather than repulsion?) and the dialogue comes across as stilted and uncomfortable—a fantastic choice for Naoki, since it builds that "reclusive weirdo" character well, but only if you can contrast it with natural and colloquial dialogue from the narrator.
And yet, with a bit of editing, I think this could be pretty interesting. Tidy up the prose and dialogue, aim for consistent characterisation (Naoki is ashen and speaking with a quavering voice to begin with, but shortly after is triumphant and becomes almost excited and enthused in explaining the project? Cut that first description, I think, and it would feel more consistent—and give that ending all the more punch!), and this will certainly be an engaging read. As it is? I think you need to Keep Developing this one.
(Horse? HHHOOOOORRSSSSEEEEEE)
Still, despite their predictability, I certainly enjoyed the ideas on display here enough. This was the kind of approach to dark topics that I enjoy: characters treating death as if it's a casual conversation piece is something I generally like, and it was good to see that here. And your ending? I certainly didn't see that coming, and though it might not have been the most tactful take on the subject, I thought it was an interesting twist that recontextualised some earlier prose in just the way a good twist should. I only wish there were more for it to recontextualise!
Prose-wise, though... I'm not so sold. There are some really strange word choices (is "befuddled" in that penultimate paragraph really a better choice than "confused"? Is the contrast and juxtaposition of images inherent in the phrase "dreadful toy" really the effect you wanted to achieve there, rather than repulsion?) and the dialogue comes across as stilted and uncomfortable—a fantastic choice for Naoki, since it builds that "reclusive weirdo" character well, but only if you can contrast it with natural and colloquial dialogue from the narrator.
And yet, with a bit of editing, I think this could be pretty interesting. Tidy up the prose and dialogue, aim for consistent characterisation (Naoki is ashen and speaking with a quavering voice to begin with, but shortly after is triumphant and becomes almost excited and enthused in explaining the project? Cut that first description, I think, and it would feel more consistent—and give that ending all the more punch!), and this will certainly be an engaging read. As it is? I think you need to Keep Developing this one.
(Horse? HHHOOOOORRSSSSEEEEEE)
Like a lot of stories in this round, the most admirable feature of this tale is its concept. Using a scientific instrument to determine when one will die is certainly a different twist than the normally supernatural ways people find out about their deaths. I also liked the idea that Naoki tested it on other people out of a perverse curiosity. By making him do something so extraordinarily creepy, it makes him seem as mysterious and off-putting as the narrator sees him.
The biggest problem here is the ending. Even if we work with the logic that the thanatometer can predict death by unnatural causes, it still doesn’t make any narrative sense for Naoki to kill himself. Sure, he was ashamed of what he did with the thanatometer initially, but the dialogue builds it up to be that he legitimately doesn’t know what’s going to kill him and that he doesn’t want his death to happen. This makes no sense if he’s already planned to kill himself. The only way it’d work is if he decided to off himself before the death the thanatometer predicted happened, but there’s nothing in the story to show this shift of mind. It really feels like the concept and ending were written first, while the rest of the story was filled in to make it to that endpoint. Maybe the twist could’ve worked if the story had better build-up, but as is, it just feels like a needless last minute shock.
A good concept, but a faulty execution.
The biggest problem here is the ending. Even if we work with the logic that the thanatometer can predict death by unnatural causes, it still doesn’t make any narrative sense for Naoki to kill himself. Sure, he was ashamed of what he did with the thanatometer initially, but the dialogue builds it up to be that he legitimately doesn’t know what’s going to kill him and that he doesn’t want his death to happen. This makes no sense if he’s already planned to kill himself. The only way it’d work is if he decided to off himself before the death the thanatometer predicted happened, but there’s nothing in the story to show this shift of mind. It really feels like the concept and ending were written first, while the rest of the story was filled in to make it to that endpoint. Maybe the twist could’ve worked if the story had better build-up, but as is, it just feels like a needless last minute shock.
A good concept, but a faulty execution.
I liked just about everything here except the ending. It felt very old-school scifi, which I like, but it just kinda fizzled out.
My first read on this was that Naoki was lying about the whole thing for some reason, which felt a bit odd. Then I thought that maybe someone else had shot him, which didn't make much sense at all. Then I realized he was probably supposed to have committed suicide, which makes some sense, but didn't really seem to be foreshadowed at all in his character.
You know, I think this might work better if the MC offs Naoki. That would make for a pretty satisfying twist, I think. You'd have to build up to it nice and slow, but it might work well.
My first read on this was that Naoki was lying about the whole thing for some reason, which felt a bit odd. Then I thought that maybe someone else had shot him, which didn't make much sense at all. Then I realized he was probably supposed to have committed suicide, which makes some sense, but didn't really seem to be foreshadowed at all in his character.
You know, I think this might work better if the MC offs Naoki. That would make for a pretty satisfying twist, I think. You'd have to build up to it nice and slow, but it might work well.
Well, I like the idea of a device probing into spacetime, even though that’s very far away from how spacetime really works.
The problem here is not so much the idea or its execution, rather that the story lacks a steady grounding to give the reader a reason to care about what’s going on. Aside from some scant details about Naoki, we – the audience – know nothing about the characters and have no reason to care about Naoki's decision to end his life, (if he indeed commits suicide). As such, it lacks the emotional punch it aimed for. The stakes are never really established, and instead we're treated with the majority of the story being devoted to explaining the device—which could have been accomplished in a sentence or two.
Also never end with a gun being fired and cutting to black in the last act. That's just poor form, author.
Decent prose and idea, just lacking in execution.
The problem here is not so much the idea or its execution, rather that the story lacks a steady grounding to give the reader a reason to care about what’s going on. Aside from some scant details about Naoki, we – the audience – know nothing about the characters and have no reason to care about Naoki's decision to end his life, (if he indeed commits suicide). As such, it lacks the emotional punch it aimed for. The stakes are never really established, and instead we're treated with the majority of the story being devoted to explaining the device—which could have been accomplished in a sentence or two.
Also never end with a gun being fired and cutting to black in the last act. That's just poor form, author.
Decent prose and idea, just lacking in execution.
Machines of Death?
Okay, not quite, this tells "time left" not "cause of death" like the famous anthology. Still, good hook. But I feel the story kind of lags in the middle. Naoki's story about randomly peeking at other people and stuff does nothing to advance the tale.
My brain also couldn't help but recoil from the simple explanation of measuring the fourth dimension of a "person" as that requires some heavy philosophical decisions about what "identity" is in a temporal sense. Overlooking that...
The ending doesn't work for me. First, why would Naoki go out and push the elevator button, then shove the other guy out? Surely he can push the button himself. Weird and distracting thing to do. Secondly though, he shoots himself? Or someone was hiding, holding him hostage and about to shoot him (which is why he called his friend?) We really, really need to understand Naoki's (probably twisted) logic. Otherwise it's just a non-sequitur event that doesn't offer any resolution to the story.
For example, if he'd become convinced he must shoot himself, or else it'd mean the device was wrong (and he was a bad inventor) or something. Or maybe he'd done bad things based on readings (like steal from someone about to die, because it wouldn't matter) and now, if it was wrong, he was guilty.
But yeah, without that, this ending is unsatisfying.
Okay, not quite, this tells "time left" not "cause of death" like the famous anthology. Still, good hook. But I feel the story kind of lags in the middle. Naoki's story about randomly peeking at other people and stuff does nothing to advance the tale.
My brain also couldn't help but recoil from the simple explanation of measuring the fourth dimension of a "person" as that requires some heavy philosophical decisions about what "identity" is in a temporal sense. Overlooking that...
The ending doesn't work for me. First, why would Naoki go out and push the elevator button, then shove the other guy out? Surely he can push the button himself. Weird and distracting thing to do. Secondly though, he shoots himself? Or someone was hiding, holding him hostage and about to shoot him (which is why he called his friend?) We really, really need to understand Naoki's (probably twisted) logic. Otherwise it's just a non-sequitur event that doesn't offer any resolution to the story.
For example, if he'd become convinced he must shoot himself, or else it'd mean the device was wrong (and he was a bad inventor) or something. Or maybe he'd done bad things based on readings (like steal from someone about to die, because it wouldn't matter) and now, if it was wrong, he was guilty.
But yeah, without that, this ending is unsatisfying.
“Come here at once, I need to talk to you.” his text said.
Nice.
As to the story, >>GroaningGreyAgony covers my thoughts more or less exactly. I've seen this idea, I've seen similar ideas (Machine of Death as >>Xepher says), and since this is just a "present a neat SFF concept, explain it and have a punchline" piece, there's not a lot of wiggle room or new ground to cover.
Honestly, this sort of thing comes up very often in minis (Last Minutes --20$ and Sparking Skies on my slate already, and they probably won't be the last) and while I understand the temptation and difficulty in writing to the format, well... that's the challenge. You have to push beyond just "here's a cool concept," and tell a story using that concept as your starting point to get the bigtime scores and make readers really get invested in the ideas you're putting forth.
This is still looking fine relative to the field this round. Technicals are very sound, there's a lot of little details I love here, like the line I called out and the "wickedness of human nature" bit. Enjoy the praise, learn from the feedback here, and think about ways to push for more! Thanks for writing!
The Thanatometer
>>FloydienSlip
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>QuillScratch
>>libertydude
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Xepher
>>Ranmilia
Thanks to y’all for commenting! Much appreciated :)
This story is the 750-word digest of a longer story written by the Italian author Dino Buzzati under the title I Vecchi Clandestini (The Concealed Elders). The original story doesn’t revolve around a device capable of measuring how long anyone’s lifespan is, but rather around magical glasses which, when put, allow the wearer to see people’s “true age”, true age being time left before death.
Basically, I didn’t change much of the drama. The character finds the glasses, piddles a bit around with them, then grows weary of the game. He decides to only try the glasses on him every so often, looking at his reflection in a mirror, until one day he discovers his reflection looks like a ghoul. Then he summons his friend, tells him the whole story, and when it’s done, pushes him outside and the story ends on the same line “The cab was halfway down when the shot detonated.” The final ambiguity is not solved, but it’s obvious the guy commits suicide, leaving the reader with a sort of self-fulfilled prophecy.
I wasn’t aware that gimmick had been used elsewhere, but thinking of it, this is quite natural.
Obviously, not being constrained by the 750-word limit, the original story elaborates on the Japanese character, gives a bit of background and details how the guy finds the glasses. I took the idea and the backbone of the story, and re-fleshed it my way to have it fit into the smaller format. It might not have been the best of ideas, it was a sort of cheesy endeavour, but I was curious to know how you folks would welcome the idea.
So yeah, that was sort of an experiment, and the lesson to be learnt here is: always write your own ideas rather than reformulate others’!
Thanks again y’all and good luck to the finalists!
>>FloydienSlip
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>QuillScratch
>>libertydude
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Xepher
>>Ranmilia
Thanks to y’all for commenting! Much appreciated :)
This story is the 750-word digest of a longer story written by the Italian author Dino Buzzati under the title I Vecchi Clandestini (The Concealed Elders). The original story doesn’t revolve around a device capable of measuring how long anyone’s lifespan is, but rather around magical glasses which, when put, allow the wearer to see people’s “true age”, true age being time left before death.
Basically, I didn’t change much of the drama. The character finds the glasses, piddles a bit around with them, then grows weary of the game. He decides to only try the glasses on him every so often, looking at his reflection in a mirror, until one day he discovers his reflection looks like a ghoul. Then he summons his friend, tells him the whole story, and when it’s done, pushes him outside and the story ends on the same line “The cab was halfway down when the shot detonated.” The final ambiguity is not solved, but it’s obvious the guy commits suicide, leaving the reader with a sort of self-fulfilled prophecy.
I wasn’t aware that gimmick had been used elsewhere, but thinking of it, this is quite natural.
Obviously, not being constrained by the 750-word limit, the original story elaborates on the Japanese character, gives a bit of background and details how the guy finds the glasses. I took the idea and the backbone of the story, and re-fleshed it my way to have it fit into the smaller format. It might not have been the best of ideas, it was a sort of cheesy endeavour, but I was curious to know how you folks would welcome the idea.
So yeah, that was sort of an experiment, and the lesson to be learnt here is: always write your own ideas rather than reformulate others’!
Thanks again y’all and good luck to the finalists!