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This is a straightforward emotion-driven piece, somewhat to a fault. It comes on too strong, or perhaps to be more precise, tries to invoke emotion more strongly than it has really earned with the substance it presents.
Part of this is down to terseness. The story is only one scene. We see the conversation, but not the inciting event(s) leading to that conversation. We don't know for ourselves why the emotional distress is warranted; we're just told that it is. On the plus side, it's a natural conveyance of information one character legit doesn't know, and not in the form of a contrived "As you know, Bob..." exchange of dialogue, but even when done right it still makes for a conflict based on telling and not showing. Those kinds of constructs are almost inevitably weak as main conflicts that are supposed to be the source of what this story pretty clearly intends as its purpose, indulging in pathos for a character.
Another part of the issue here is point-of-view. Is this in third person omniscient? Technically yes. Should it be? I'm not sure, not in a story like this. And in some ways, for lack of a better way to describe how it comes across to me, it feels like it doesn't want to be. It wants Applebloom's emotions to be the driver of a vicarious or sympathetic emotional experience for the reader, but the focus doesn't stick to a more third person limited perspective on Applebloom. It wants to be there, but then pinballs back and forth over to Applejack, making the experience fragmented and a bit whiplashed instead of emotionally cohesive and carrying readers more naturally in a transition from pain to soothing to resolution.
So to summarize, two mains steps to strengthen this story:
1. Show, don't tell, by writing at least one more scene in which we see what happened to Applebloom.
2. Tighten the focus to be on Applebloom.
Bonus points for cutting affirmational statements like "The Apple Family truly was cut from strong cloth" as well. Those should be perspectives coming from the Apples, not narrative dictates coming from the third person. Don't just... tell me how to see the Apples, apropos of nothing. Show me how they see things and how they feel, and why they've earned it.
Part of this is down to terseness. The story is only one scene. We see the conversation, but not the inciting event(s) leading to that conversation. We don't know for ourselves why the emotional distress is warranted; we're just told that it is. On the plus side, it's a natural conveyance of information one character legit doesn't know, and not in the form of a contrived "As you know, Bob..." exchange of dialogue, but even when done right it still makes for a conflict based on telling and not showing. Those kinds of constructs are almost inevitably weak as main conflicts that are supposed to be the source of what this story pretty clearly intends as its purpose, indulging in pathos for a character.
Another part of the issue here is point-of-view. Is this in third person omniscient? Technically yes. Should it be? I'm not sure, not in a story like this. And in some ways, for lack of a better way to describe how it comes across to me, it feels like it doesn't want to be. It wants Applebloom's emotions to be the driver of a vicarious or sympathetic emotional experience for the reader, but the focus doesn't stick to a more third person limited perspective on Applebloom. It wants to be there, but then pinballs back and forth over to Applejack, making the experience fragmented and a bit whiplashed instead of emotionally cohesive and carrying readers more naturally in a transition from pain to soothing to resolution.
So to summarize, two mains steps to strengthen this story:
1. Show, don't tell, by writing at least one more scene in which we see what happened to Applebloom.
2. Tighten the focus to be on Applebloom.
Bonus points for cutting affirmational statements like "The Apple Family truly was cut from strong cloth" as well. Those should be perspectives coming from the Apples, not narrative dictates coming from the third person. Don't just... tell me how to see the Apples, apropos of nothing. Show me how they see things and how they feel, and why they've earned it.
Not the first thing I want to focus on in a review, but the mechanical problems hit me pretty quick in this one: inconsistent spelling, tense changes, just these spots of roughness that keep coming through. I know it's tough when time is short in a writeoff, so I won't dwell a lot on it. Polishing these up is pretty straightforward, anyway, so I don't think you need a lot of commentary harping on the particulars.
Another difficulty for me is that I feel like there's references here that are going a little over my head. It's hard to judge, though, because if it's actually a reference I don't know, then by definition I wouldn't know if it's actually there or not.
Overall, what this story calls to mind for me is a sort of The Graduate feel (minus Mrs. Robinson), an aimless drifting intermezzo in the life of a young pony who would like to be principled but isn't really sure what that means or whether there's really much value in committing to it. So instead he ends up driven around by the way the moment pushes him this way and that, running heedless toward what he likes, then away from what he fears. I think some of the streaming from one thing to another qualities of how the writing conveys the narrative of events serves this well, lending it a sort of ongoing-dream quality that captures and conveys the experience of the protagonist.
The idea is there. Just clean it up, and I think it'll polish into something really nice.
Another difficulty for me is that I feel like there's references here that are going a little over my head. It's hard to judge, though, because if it's actually a reference I don't know, then by definition I wouldn't know if it's actually there or not.
Overall, what this story calls to mind for me is a sort of The Graduate feel (minus Mrs. Robinson), an aimless drifting intermezzo in the life of a young pony who would like to be principled but isn't really sure what that means or whether there's really much value in committing to it. So instead he ends up driven around by the way the moment pushes him this way and that, running heedless toward what he likes, then away from what he fears. I think some of the streaming from one thing to another qualities of how the writing conveys the narrative of events serves this well, lending it a sort of ongoing-dream quality that captures and conveys the experience of the protagonist.
The idea is there. Just clean it up, and I think it'll polish into something really nice.
I want to like this one. This thing is trying so hard to be all the lighter, sweeter parts of slice-of-life, and a story that shows us some positivity and joy is a really important thing sometimes. It's a valiant effort. Unfortunately, I think that in trying to be such a pure slice-of-life as it is, it loses something. A story needs to have a conflict. Does this story have conflicts? it does, but only mundane, internal ones concerning abstract decisions about personal growth. None of them are enough to jump to the foreground. None of them are really solved or addressed, other than the characters either still feeling them out or professing to have a plan, and that's... not really a story. It's a setup to a story, and you could make a story about any of a number of things mentioned here. Explore some of these more deeply. Focus in the challenge that a character faces, their decision process, and how they solve it.
Another big issue is that so much of this is told through dialogue. Sometimes that's fine, when it's natural dialogue in natural amounts. I get it, easy way to make the reader a fly on the wall and give them a good way to observe the same stream of information that the characters might realistically have about some things. It's not so good when that becomes a crutch to get *too much* across, and the prevalence of dialogue starts to cut into the space that's left for character actions and insight into their internal perceptions. Particularly distracting is when dialogue ends up restating information we'd already gotten in some other way, or it ends up being unnatural sounding, which both happen here and they both broke my immersion.
Mechanically, there's also some spelling and grammar errors. Normally I don't get too bothered and I have a lot of leeway for those in a writeoff because of the time limit thing, but at a certain point they really start to hurt how well I can stay inside the story.
Overall - there's several potentially interesting threads to pull on here that are probably worth the time. Pick at some of 'em, pull them, see what unravels, and use what comes out to weave some stronger stories that centralize a specific conflict and resolution.
Another big issue is that so much of this is told through dialogue. Sometimes that's fine, when it's natural dialogue in natural amounts. I get it, easy way to make the reader a fly on the wall and give them a good way to observe the same stream of information that the characters might realistically have about some things. It's not so good when that becomes a crutch to get *too much* across, and the prevalence of dialogue starts to cut into the space that's left for character actions and insight into their internal perceptions. Particularly distracting is when dialogue ends up restating information we'd already gotten in some other way, or it ends up being unnatural sounding, which both happen here and they both broke my immersion.
Mechanically, there's also some spelling and grammar errors. Normally I don't get too bothered and I have a lot of leeway for those in a writeoff because of the time limit thing, but at a certain point they really start to hurt how well I can stay inside the story.
Overall - there's several potentially interesting threads to pull on here that are probably worth the time. Pick at some of 'em, pull them, see what unravels, and use what comes out to weave some stronger stories that centralize a specific conflict and resolution.
Thick with metaphors and symbols, this one feels mostly there. Mostly. Like 95%. Certain spots could use just that little bit of next-level polish to really finish it off proper and have a cleaner, clearer gem. Notably it feels like the ending might have been written a bit faster than the opening and middle parts, but I'm not totally sure. I get that these things have a time limit, so there's some room for forgiveness on that front, at least in my way of seeing it.
I'm not a fan of the "Celestia likes her cake" trope, but that's just personal taste. It's been done worse and for less actual relevance or reason to the story, though, so I can't knock it very hard.
On the plus side, I'm a sucker for a good tale of soul-searching, so thanks for this one.
I'm not a fan of the "Celestia likes her cake" trope, but that's just personal taste. It's been done worse and for less actual relevance or reason to the story, though, so I can't knock it very hard.
On the plus side, I'm a sucker for a good tale of soul-searching, so thanks for this one.
Had an idea that I think has potential in some form, but between work and various goings-on I just haven't had the time to develop it to the point of being as solid as it deserves to become a real story, or get enough words down to be a worthy writeoff entry.
Oh well... at least it's not entirely a waste, I think I can use what I was able to start of it as the basis for something that might find its way to FimFic eventually once it's had enough time to get worked on.
Oh well... at least it's not entirely a waste, I think I can use what I was able to start of it as the basis for something that might find its way to FimFic eventually once it's had enough time to get worked on.
First surface impressions: the prose feels a little spotty at times. There are long sentences that meander on, making them (and consequently the ideas they're meant to convey) feel unfocused, dulling their impact.
Digging into theme, or more exactly the idea of how theme is conveyed, I think this story suffers a lot from being so dialogue-heavy. Bring a single scene without much action and mostly just characters talking to each other makes it difficult to show what the themes or ideas of this story are supposed to be without resorting to the characters just saying them more or less outright, and coming across as either too on-the-nose or too fourth wall breaking.
As it is, I'm left without a strong sense of what the theme is supposed to be, exactly. I get a sense that the story is exploring boredom in conflict with the potential for great power, and the need for an outlet lest the old saying about idle hands (hooves?) being the devil's tools be validated. But I'm not sure what the more significant conclusion or takeaway (if any) is supposed to be from that.
Digging into theme, or more exactly the idea of how theme is conveyed, I think this story suffers a lot from being so dialogue-heavy. Bring a single scene without much action and mostly just characters talking to each other makes it difficult to show what the themes or ideas of this story are supposed to be without resorting to the characters just saying them more or less outright, and coming across as either too on-the-nose or too fourth wall breaking.
As it is, I'm left without a strong sense of what the theme is supposed to be, exactly. I get a sense that the story is exploring boredom in conflict with the potential for great power, and the need for an outlet lest the old saying about idle hands (hooves?) being the devil's tools be validated. But I'm not sure what the more significant conclusion or takeaway (if any) is supposed to be from that.
Almost perfect; my gripe with this one is the title. Because of the title, I saw where this was going immediately and any suspense felt deflated.
Other than that, the prose and the interaction between the characters are all excellent.
Other than that, the prose and the interaction between the characters are all excellent.
Overtrod conceptual ground (by a wide margin, everybody does a genie story eventually), so execution rather than originality is the only thing that's relevant to grade on here.
And the execution is fun, so fair enough.
The one big 'thing' that got me is that this doesn't feel like Twilight.
It feels like, I dunno, Starlight. Or Trixie (if Trixie was this clever, but I have trouble reading her that way).
Feeling like this is the wrong main character really hurts the story, IMO. But the good news is that it's a super easy revision to make - you're one find-and-replace away from achieving a great success of execution on a familiar, well-explored trope.
And the execution is fun, so fair enough.
The one big 'thing' that got me is that this doesn't feel like Twilight.
It feels like, I dunno, Starlight. Or Trixie (if Trixie was this clever, but I have trouble reading her that way).
Feeling like this is the wrong main character really hurts the story, IMO. But the good news is that it's a super easy revision to make - you're one find-and-replace away from achieving a great success of execution on a familiar, well-explored trope.
Tied for winner, for me, with "The Mistake."
I love the premise of this one, and I love the alt-universe take on Rarity. Those give it a major edge, to me.
The flaws lie in how hard it is to do a story like this in what is simply the insufficient space of the format. There's a lot of exposition-dump, out of necessity. Hard to get around, but also less satisfying than other options that take longer.
I like the open-ended nature of this one. It leaves me with a sense of mystery. I think that works because the story is not really about a personal conflict Rarity faces, so with my primary investment being in her, it doesn't feel like anything particularly needs closing with regard to the events in the plot - on the other hand, had the themes of time and stasis, or of being held captive in a place that's wrong somehow been applied to Rarity herself, then a lack of resolution might have been distressing, and I do feel that the story misses some cues and is a little weaker by not making those thematic relations to the protagonist. So it's kind of a win-some, lose-some situation there.
Very strong candidate, though, in summary.
I love the premise of this one, and I love the alt-universe take on Rarity. Those give it a major edge, to me.
The flaws lie in how hard it is to do a story like this in what is simply the insufficient space of the format. There's a lot of exposition-dump, out of necessity. Hard to get around, but also less satisfying than other options that take longer.
I like the open-ended nature of this one. It leaves me with a sense of mystery. I think that works because the story is not really about a personal conflict Rarity faces, so with my primary investment being in her, it doesn't feel like anything particularly needs closing with regard to the events in the plot - on the other hand, had the themes of time and stasis, or of being held captive in a place that's wrong somehow been applied to Rarity herself, then a lack of resolution might have been distressing, and I do feel that the story misses some cues and is a little weaker by not making those thematic relations to the protagonist. So it's kind of a win-some, lose-some situation there.
Very strong candidate, though, in summary.
Okay, I think this is a winner. The premise is good, the drama strikes balance with the comedy, and the characters are good.
That said, I'm always a little skeptical of "Twilight melts down, drastic response happens" stories. I think this one pulled it off, but it's tricky - there needs to be good justification to make me believe it. I'm not sure sending the wrong scroll, even an embarrassing one, is quite enough, but in the format of a story so short, I can kinda let it slide. It could be improved in revision by taking more time to set up Twilight's descent into such a desperate measure, though.
That said, I'm always a little skeptical of "Twilight melts down, drastic response happens" stories. I think this one pulled it off, but it's tricky - there needs to be good justification to make me believe it. I'm not sure sending the wrong scroll, even an embarrassing one, is quite enough, but in the format of a story so short, I can kinda let it slide. It could be improved in revision by taking more time to set up Twilight's descent into such a desperate measure, though.
This one's hard to grade fairly. I'm not a fan of the 'displaced' thing. A good execution on the concept with a more nuanced take than falling into one of two diametrically opposed modalities (wish-fulfillment indulgence or castigating displaced humans as sexual molesters) could change that, I suppose, but I find myself unable to enjoy this one since the entire premise is indeed based on one of the two.
Ultimately, though, it's a comedy. Not hitting with me is a subjective problem, as all comedy is subjective and situational. I think this story will have its audience, in the people who do like these kinds of things.
Ultimately, though, it's a comedy. Not hitting with me is a subjective problem, as all comedy is subjective and situational. I think this story will have its audience, in the people who do like these kinds of things.
Premise: Pinkie Pie is the new Tony Montana, but, like, accidentally
This one had a lot of technical rough edges that distracted me. I imagine that would get better if there was more time to edit, though, so moving on...
The big problem is that this just can't be long enough for everything the story wants to touch one. There's a big noodle incident that causes a sugar ban for some reason, which could be compelling if it was explored, but when it's just rushed in to create an excuse for the story's main premise to get set up, well, that's exactly what it ends up feeling like - an excuse for the story's main premise to get set up. It feels like contrivance for the sake of plot, rather than being organically part of the plot.
The main plot thread of the story suffers similar pacing problems. It's just too fast, which, again, is a function of needing to do more than the short-shorts format has time to do for a story like this. The good news is, that's not an inherent problem with the story itself as a concept; the pacing just needs to be worked and the narrative expanded in the next draft.
This one had a lot of technical rough edges that distracted me. I imagine that would get better if there was more time to edit, though, so moving on...
The big problem is that this just can't be long enough for everything the story wants to touch one. There's a big noodle incident that causes a sugar ban for some reason, which could be compelling if it was explored, but when it's just rushed in to create an excuse for the story's main premise to get set up, well, that's exactly what it ends up feeling like - an excuse for the story's main premise to get set up. It feels like contrivance for the sake of plot, rather than being organically part of the plot.
The main plot thread of the story suffers similar pacing problems. It's just too fast, which, again, is a function of needing to do more than the short-shorts format has time to do for a story like this. The good news is, that's not an inherent problem with the story itself as a concept; the pacing just needs to be worked and the narrative expanded in the next draft.
That first paragraph started out feeling like the prose would be rather on the purple side, but fortunately it got better quickly. I don't really see any distracting flaws in the writing mechanics or style, so good on you for that.
I like the juxtaposition of Rarity and Rainbow Dash that runs through this story. They're just so opposite, yet go together in such a cute way - for the time they have together, at least, which is short but feels even more sweet for its brevity, somehow.
I wouldn't say I'm left unsatisfied, but I am left thinking that while what's here is sufficient for the length this seems like it was trying to hit, there's also potentially bigger story here, or at least one that's more fleshed-out with one or two more scenes added to show rather than tell some of the stuff that was relegated to being exposition through dialogue. That'd be my big recommendation for revising this one - keep doing the things right, just more.
Overall, quite nice. It does pretty much exactly the story that feels obvious for the given prompt, instead of seeking to subvert it with surprise take on the meaning of the phrase, but that's definitely not a bad thing in this case.
I like the juxtaposition of Rarity and Rainbow Dash that runs through this story. They're just so opposite, yet go together in such a cute way - for the time they have together, at least, which is short but feels even more sweet for its brevity, somehow.
I wouldn't say I'm left unsatisfied, but I am left thinking that while what's here is sufficient for the length this seems like it was trying to hit, there's also potentially bigger story here, or at least one that's more fleshed-out with one or two more scenes added to show rather than tell some of the stuff that was relegated to being exposition through dialogue. That'd be my big recommendation for revising this one - keep doing the things right, just more.
Overall, quite nice. It does pretty much exactly the story that feels obvious for the given prompt, instead of seeking to subvert it with surprise take on the meaning of the phrase, but that's definitely not a bad thing in this case.
Cool idea!
The first issue that jumped at me was the change in perspective during the two halves of the story: it begins in first person perspective, but then shifts to third person. There's also a tense shift from past tense to present tense somewhere in the first person segment.
That said, I like how the first segment is written like, well... like a fanfic that someone might have written to entertain themselves, which is apt because it is essentially Luna's 'fanfic' of her own experiences. It strikes me as a neat little piece of meta. Whether it was intentional or not isn't completely clear, but I'll give it to you, author.
The second half is kinda where things fall apart. The logic feels a little rushed and incoherent; surely Luna would have realized the possibility of what's happened? It just seems very hard for me to buy that this hasn't occurred to her. This, unfortunately, further sets up a domino effect that knocks flat the impact of the "ethical dilemma" at the end. it doesn't feel real because the foundational circumstance of Luna only just thinking of this now just doesn't feel sensible.
The first issue that jumped at me was the change in perspective during the two halves of the story: it begins in first person perspective, but then shifts to third person. There's also a tense shift from past tense to present tense somewhere in the first person segment.
That said, I like how the first segment is written like, well... like a fanfic that someone might have written to entertain themselves, which is apt because it is essentially Luna's 'fanfic' of her own experiences. It strikes me as a neat little piece of meta. Whether it was intentional or not isn't completely clear, but I'll give it to you, author.
The second half is kinda where things fall apart. The logic feels a little rushed and incoherent; surely Luna would have realized the possibility of what's happened? It just seems very hard for me to buy that this hasn't occurred to her. This, unfortunately, further sets up a domino effect that knocks flat the impact of the "ethical dilemma" at the end. it doesn't feel real because the foundational circumstance of Luna only just thinking of this now just doesn't feel sensible.
Interesting take on Flurry Heart being an athlete far more than a student.
Unfortunately, I have to echo the previous reviews. There's a lot of, to be honest, ham-fisted writing in this draft. Some of it is in the purely technical aspects (grammar, spelling, general proof-reading issues). Some of it is in the way the characters are handled. The best way I think I can describe the negatives in that regard is that I get a sense of laying it on too thick and single-dimensionally. Sure, Flurry is scared, I get it. That certainly needs to be the focus, but it goes perhaps too far when it feels like that fear is all there is to her in this story. It just feels a little overdriven.
On the other hand, I like Twilight as the "cool" aunt. That's the real prize of the story for me, so I appreciate that aspect being so central. Most of their interaction, I feel, does pretty much everything right. If you plan to revise this story, take that core piece, maybe expand on it, and as Baal Bunny says, add some additional agency to Flurry's character. One possible way to start toward this would be to have a more real-world take on the education system - usually student information like grades (or disciplinary issues, importantly for this story) can't be released to anyone who's not the student or a guardian. Twilight probably wouldn't have any way of knowing that Flurry cheated, so Flurry would have to make the choice to tell Twilight of her own volition.
Unfortunately, I have to echo the previous reviews. There's a lot of, to be honest, ham-fisted writing in this draft. Some of it is in the purely technical aspects (grammar, spelling, general proof-reading issues). Some of it is in the way the characters are handled. The best way I think I can describe the negatives in that regard is that I get a sense of laying it on too thick and single-dimensionally. Sure, Flurry is scared, I get it. That certainly needs to be the focus, but it goes perhaps too far when it feels like that fear is all there is to her in this story. It just feels a little overdriven.
On the other hand, I like Twilight as the "cool" aunt. That's the real prize of the story for me, so I appreciate that aspect being so central. Most of their interaction, I feel, does pretty much everything right. If you plan to revise this story, take that core piece, maybe expand on it, and as Baal Bunny says, add some additional agency to Flurry's character. One possible way to start toward this would be to have a more real-world take on the education system - usually student information like grades (or disciplinary issues, importantly for this story) can't be released to anyone who's not the student or a guardian. Twilight probably wouldn't have any way of knowing that Flurry cheated, so Flurry would have to make the choice to tell Twilight of her own volition.
I have to say that I think this is the weakest offering. I hope that there are no hard feelings over it, author. It's not bad, so don't feel bad; the other two stories are just stronger to me. There are two main reasons: the first is that I have difficulty buying the premise in this one, and the second is that there isn't really a story being told to completion here.
The premise that Celestia will just zap everypony into alicorns isn't something I find credible. Maybe that's just me, but for a variety of reasons I just don't see it. I also have difficulty buying into the motivation for this, that she just doesn't want to see any more ponies die. She's been doing that for at least a thousand years, without cracking or budging on the issue before now. I can't help but think she's comfortable with it as a necessity.
There also isn't a complete story being told. Celestia and Luna talk about the story at hand (hoof?), and... that's it. Ran out of words. Can't really blame you for not having a lot to work with, given the constraints of the minific format, but it might have been much more compelling to do a concisely focused story about the results of Celestia's imminent actions, rather than a dialogue about the debate over it before anything actually happens.
The premise that Celestia will just zap everypony into alicorns isn't something I find credible. Maybe that's just me, but for a variety of reasons I just don't see it. I also have difficulty buying into the motivation for this, that she just doesn't want to see any more ponies die. She's been doing that for at least a thousand years, without cracking or budging on the issue before now. I can't help but think she's comfortable with it as a necessity.
There also isn't a complete story being told. Celestia and Luna talk about the story at hand (hoof?), and... that's it. Ran out of words. Can't really blame you for not having a lot to work with, given the constraints of the minific format, but it might have been much more compelling to do a concisely focused story about the results of Celestia's imminent actions, rather than a dialogue about the debate over it before anything actually happens.
This story suffers from a common problem of minifics: it chooses to try to take on a story that is hard to do within the length constraints of the minific format. Grief is a complex process that takes many people, especially people who are emotionally closed-off like Applejack, a long time and circuitous route to fully deal with.
It's a good thing that the story doesn't try to cover the whole of Applejack's process, but just the most significant moments in "breaking the wall." Even just that needs, I feel, a little more length than was possible. Some of the prose feels a little thin, perhaps out of necessity. This one uses the full 750 words, and uses them well enough, but still feels slightly bare. Maybe three scenes is just too much for any minific to really hack, at least without some extreme finesse.
Still, the emotion that was intended comes across to me, so points for that.
It's a good thing that the story doesn't try to cover the whole of Applejack's process, but just the most significant moments in "breaking the wall." Even just that needs, I feel, a little more length than was possible. Some of the prose feels a little thin, perhaps out of necessity. This one uses the full 750 words, and uses them well enough, but still feels slightly bare. Maybe three scenes is just too much for any minific to really hack, at least without some extreme finesse.
Still, the emotion that was intended comes across to me, so points for that.
I like that this story has focus. That's probably the greatest strength any story can have in the minific format; to choose something that can be accomplished in the appropriate length and just do that one thing. The quality of the prose isn't compromised, even in not using the full 750 words.
Still, I can't help feeling that the standard problems of minifics are present underneath, if well-hidden: the wider story leading to this scene is far too long to ever fit in a minific and can only be hinted at through character dialogue, and while we get a pretty good sketch of that larger story, it's a little frustrating to know that there's so much more that can't possibly fit into being seen. I really can't hold that against the author, given the constraints. But it does color some of the enjoyment of some parts of the story, and I can't do much about that.
Still, I can't help feeling that the standard problems of minifics are present underneath, if well-hidden: the wider story leading to this scene is far too long to ever fit in a minific and can only be hinted at through character dialogue, and while we get a pretty good sketch of that larger story, it's a little frustrating to know that there's so much more that can't possibly fit into being seen. I really can't hold that against the author, given the constraints. But it does color some of the enjoyment of some parts of the story, and I can't do much about that.
Premise: Luna's in the closet and won't come out.
Literally. Or maybe the closet's a metaphor. Or both! It can be two things.
Now, the real question is, when do we get to find out?
I say that's the real question because the point at which we find this out is the point at which the central conflict of the story goes (or would have gone) from superficial to substantial, and the meaning here goes from ambiguous to tangible.
But unfortunately, we don't get there. The conflict is just left at "Luna is in a closet."
And, okay, maybe that ambiguity, the puzzle of the meaning to the literal situation, is the point. There's things to examine about how Celestia faces that literal situation and tries to solve it without many clues, and that can be good character exploration. This could be a good impetus for a character-driven piece... but the issue is, in this minific format, it seems that ends up being all there's room for. We get a good look at Celestia, but it feels so zoomed in on her that we don't get to see what (if any) greater depth exists to the conflict, and we don't get far toward a resolution to that conflict. Because of this, it feels more like a scene than a story. We get those last few paragraphs at the end, but that comes across more like a stub holding the place of a conclusion than an actual resolution. It needs a real sense of completion to be, well, complete.
My take-away? I like this one, actually. What's there is good, it just needs more. Keep going, build it out, finish telling the story.
Literally. Or maybe the closet's a metaphor. Or both! It can be two things.
Now, the real question is, when do we get to find out?
I say that's the real question because the point at which we find this out is the point at which the central conflict of the story goes (or would have gone) from superficial to substantial, and the meaning here goes from ambiguous to tangible.
But unfortunately, we don't get there. The conflict is just left at "Luna is in a closet."
And, okay, maybe that ambiguity, the puzzle of the meaning to the literal situation, is the point. There's things to examine about how Celestia faces that literal situation and tries to solve it without many clues, and that can be good character exploration. This could be a good impetus for a character-driven piece... but the issue is, in this minific format, it seems that ends up being all there's room for. We get a good look at Celestia, but it feels so zoomed in on her that we don't get to see what (if any) greater depth exists to the conflict, and we don't get far toward a resolution to that conflict. Because of this, it feels more like a scene than a story. We get those last few paragraphs at the end, but that comes across more like a stub holding the place of a conclusion than an actual resolution. It needs a real sense of completion to be, well, complete.
My take-away? I like this one, actually. What's there is good, it just needs more. Keep going, build it out, finish telling the story.
Premise: "Fluttershy, I'm depressed. Gonna need you to off me."
"Uhh... how about some cherries instead?"
"Oh, yeah. Okay."
...That's flippant, I know. Sorry. But that's a pretty honest reflection of how the story strikes me, I regret to say. It's just sort of how these things come off when the space available isn't conducive to conveying the whole heft of the concept. That's the fatal flaw of this one, at least as it is within the constraints of the minific format. I think Xepher has that covered in his review above.
Unlike Xepher, though, I'm not convinced that this story works in a longer form, because I'm also truthfully a little (maybe a lot) uncomfortable with cliched tropes of the "warrior" longing for a "soldier's death" and other such pretensions about there being something honorable in a mentality of disregarding one's own life. That's a subjective personal thing, though, so maybe I'm just not the audience this story is for and my finding it disagreeable can be safely ignored if characters in that mold are your thing. Maybe there's something there for people to explore, in a story format with more space.
"Uhh... how about some cherries instead?"
"Oh, yeah. Okay."
...That's flippant, I know. Sorry. But that's a pretty honest reflection of how the story strikes me, I regret to say. It's just sort of how these things come off when the space available isn't conducive to conveying the whole heft of the concept. That's the fatal flaw of this one, at least as it is within the constraints of the minific format. I think Xepher has that covered in his review above.
Unlike Xepher, though, I'm not convinced that this story works in a longer form, because I'm also truthfully a little (maybe a lot) uncomfortable with cliched tropes of the "warrior" longing for a "soldier's death" and other such pretensions about there being something honorable in a mentality of disregarding one's own life. That's a subjective personal thing, though, so maybe I'm just not the audience this story is for and my finding it disagreeable can be safely ignored if characters in that mold are your thing. Maybe there's something there for people to explore, in a story format with more space.
Premise: Dash wants to break up drop Pinkie Pie from the Rainbooms but stay friends.
What the story accomplishes: it gets through the messy "fire Pinkie Pie" part, and does it pretty well. Lots of good visuals. This is very Pinkie Pie in a good way. Maybe a touch heavy on the Pinkemina Diane Pie, but Pinkie's always kinda over the top with both her highs and lows, so. Works for me.
What it doesn't accomplish: the "but stay friends" part. It's a shame we don't get to see the resolution to whether or not that works out, because that's the big emotional stake that the story has set up quite well in the time it has. With the important question going unanswered, though, this is left feeling more like a scene than a story.
My big take-away: to fulfill its potential and become a real story, this one needs either more space to allow the story to accomplish its resolution, or to focus the space it has on a different scene instead, namely the one in which Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie resolve their friendship question.
What the story accomplishes: it gets through the messy "fire Pinkie Pie" part, and does it pretty well. Lots of good visuals. This is very Pinkie Pie in a good way. Maybe a touch heavy on the Pinkemina Diane Pie, but Pinkie's always kinda over the top with both her highs and lows, so. Works for me.
What it doesn't accomplish: the "but stay friends" part. It's a shame we don't get to see the resolution to whether or not that works out, because that's the big emotional stake that the story has set up quite well in the time it has. With the important question going unanswered, though, this is left feeling more like a scene than a story.
My big take-away: to fulfill its potential and become a real story, this one needs either more space to allow the story to accomplish its resolution, or to focus the space it has on a different scene instead, namely the one in which Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie resolve their friendship question.
This story is very sweet, but feels like it makes sacrifices in the narrative to achieve that sweetness artificially - and like most artificial sweeteners, the taste comes out a bit off. Sandbar feels like kind of a doofus here, not knowing things he should probably know about Yona. Other people have touched on this, so I won't harp on it.
More importantly to me, the central conflict to this story feels like it lacks gravity by virtue of being solved too... well, conveniently. It just sort of turns out that Yona knew what she was doing all along, reducing the problem to a mere kerfuffle of miscommunication (or simply missed communication). Many great stories have been built on these, of course, but here it's just sort of played for fluffiness instead of setting the characters down a real path to some clash of perspectives or methodology in pursuing their goals.
Does it need to be a tragedy? No. But it does need at least a bit of something more substantial, IMO, to get it somewhere beyond just sweet fluff, which is a nice place to be but not always the most engaging.
More importantly to me, the central conflict to this story feels like it lacks gravity by virtue of being solved too... well, conveniently. It just sort of turns out that Yona knew what she was doing all along, reducing the problem to a mere kerfuffle of miscommunication (or simply missed communication). Many great stories have been built on these, of course, but here it's just sort of played for fluffiness instead of setting the characters down a real path to some clash of perspectives or methodology in pursuing their goals.
Does it need to be a tragedy? No. But it does need at least a bit of something more substantial, IMO, to get it somewhere beyond just sweet fluff, which is a nice place to be but not always the most engaging.
Mostly pretty good. Technically proficient, no complaints at all about style or mechanics.
The visuals felt a bit rough for me, though. Or, perhaps not rough, so much as not fully finished. Baal mentioned the thing about Rarity falling asleep looking at her cutie mark. This seems like an odd choice of position, without being justified by further explanation.
Also:
"There they were, in the hundreds of thousands, tiny dots milling amidst the landscape."
The landscape just seems to be referenced out of nowhere. I pieced it together, but this doesn't feel like a thing readers are intended to be piecing together on their own. Try more clearly describing how it is that Rarity sees a landscape.
Similarly, I pieced together what (I think) happens at the end, and it makes sense - but again, this seems like something too subtle, not fully formed. The two commenters above me seem to have gone past it without picking it up, which is a pretty good indication that more elaboration is required. Now, I think this should be on the subtle side to work most effectively as a dark turn to end on, so just a touch more, don't beat it over the head or anything - but it does need something, because as it is, it seems to be coming off to other readers as a sudden, unhinted twist that's clashing the rest of the tone rather than as the foreshadowed and successfully blended-in sinister turn I think it's meant to be.
The visuals felt a bit rough for me, though. Or, perhaps not rough, so much as not fully finished. Baal mentioned the thing about Rarity falling asleep looking at her cutie mark. This seems like an odd choice of position, without being justified by further explanation.
Also:
"There they were, in the hundreds of thousands, tiny dots milling amidst the landscape."
The landscape just seems to be referenced out of nowhere. I pieced it together, but this doesn't feel like a thing readers are intended to be piecing together on their own. Try more clearly describing how it is that Rarity sees a landscape.
Similarly, I pieced together what (I think) happens at the end, and it makes sense - but again, this seems like something too subtle, not fully formed. The two commenters above me seem to have gone past it without picking it up, which is a pretty good indication that more elaboration is required. Now, I think this should be on the subtle side to work most effectively as a dark turn to end on, so just a touch more, don't beat it over the head or anything - but it does need something, because as it is, it seems to be coming off to other readers as a sudden, unhinted twist that's clashing the rest of the tone rather than as the foreshadowed and successfully blended-in sinister turn I think it's meant to be.
Paging WIP