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Writer, I guess. Hope others will have the same opinion through my work.
>>Monokeras
That was me. I voted on everybody's story except my own (which is why it's last).
Hopefully the longer MLP fic contest will have more comments. The feedback is always the most interesting part of these contests.
That was me. I voted on everybody's story except my own (which is why it's last).
Hopefully the longer MLP fic contest will have more comments. The feedback is always the most interesting part of these contests.
A lovely little fairy tale that ties in with Celestia and Luna's relationship. I could see this as an ancient myth Celestia herself told the ponies to explain her feelings without drawing connections to her and Luna. Soft and sad, as many ancient stories are.
Liked this one's focus on Apple Bloom's character. She was the main spearheader of the CMC, and seeing how she handled these moments of despair is neat. Sometimes a nap is needed before you make a big decision.
A fun little comedic tale. Liked how the cops and robbers shared disdain towards the fanatical bank manager. Only critique is that I really wanted to see the manager himself since he seemed to be quite a character. Otherwise, a very amusing work.
The Riddler's Lemonade Stand was never quite as successful as Killer Croc's Mud Pie Business.
Probably the most blunt story in this batch, and that’s not a bad thing. It’s sometimes nice to read something that just presents a situation and describes how the protagonist gets out of it. The action was understandable and didn’t lag too much. I also liked how the story reincorporated ideas, like the notches on Rex’s hat and the sheriff’s talk about how most people can’t shoot on their sides. These were repeated naturally throughout the story and did a decent set-up for when the sheriff finally turns the tables on Rex.
The problems mostly come from the fact that there’s so much focus on the plot that there’s not much focus on the characters themselves. Rex is just the black-hatted outlaw and the narrator is just the Wild West sheriff, and that’s all there is to them. I thought there was going to be an interesting switch toward the end, where maybe Rex was wrongfully imprisoned and the sheriff had actually been an abusive bastard and Rex was the actual hero; the fact the sheriff laughs when he realizes where he shot Rex seems like something a villain would do. But nope, Rex was just a bad dude and the sheriff’s laughing just because he has a weird sense of humor, I guess (to be fair, not an unusual trait to have in Arizona). There was also a relative lack of description regarding what Luanne’s Bar looked like, which didn’t envelop me in the Western aesthetic as much as it should have.
If there’s any revisions in the future, I think the author should probably flesh out these characters a bit more. You don’t have to do the “Rex was the true hero” idea I suggested, but there should at least be something more to these gunslingers than “we’re shooting at each other”. Show us just how noble the sheriff is or how vile Rex is and how they eventually have to face-off one way or the other. Also show a little more of Luanne’s bar and what this saloon in the middle of Arizona feels like. A little bit of characterization and setting description will go a long way to making this story fire on all cylinders.
The problems mostly come from the fact that there’s so much focus on the plot that there’s not much focus on the characters themselves. Rex is just the black-hatted outlaw and the narrator is just the Wild West sheriff, and that’s all there is to them. I thought there was going to be an interesting switch toward the end, where maybe Rex was wrongfully imprisoned and the sheriff had actually been an abusive bastard and Rex was the actual hero; the fact the sheriff laughs when he realizes where he shot Rex seems like something a villain would do. But nope, Rex was just a bad dude and the sheriff’s laughing just because he has a weird sense of humor, I guess (to be fair, not an unusual trait to have in Arizona). There was also a relative lack of description regarding what Luanne’s Bar looked like, which didn’t envelop me in the Western aesthetic as much as it should have.
If there’s any revisions in the future, I think the author should probably flesh out these characters a bit more. You don’t have to do the “Rex was the true hero” idea I suggested, but there should at least be something more to these gunslingers than “we’re shooting at each other”. Show us just how noble the sheriff is or how vile Rex is and how they eventually have to face-off one way or the other. Also show a little more of Luanne’s bar and what this saloon in the middle of Arizona feels like. A little bit of characterization and setting description will go a long way to making this story fire on all cylinders.
A very fascinating read. Both my mother and I always collected books, even if it took a long time to read them and we had to pack them carefully in boxes, so this rang a lot truer to me than it may for some others. Focusing on the protagonist’s methods for packing boxes and how they make space for their books creates a very fascinating insight into their life. I also liked the idea that they keep creating new excuses for why they kept the books, then why they are destroying them. It shows a certain conflict of thought: If books are so important, why are you destroying them? I felt like the narrator had changed after a series of moves, where he suddenly realized he didn’t really care all that much about the books he saved (particularly the ones he didn’t read), so he’s trying to destroy them and save them at the same time. A sort of cognitive dissonance wrought by his changing perspective of life.
The primary issue I have with the piece is the sheer amount of description given to the packing of the boxes, but the relatively brief descriptions afterwards. I kind of wanted to see more of the narrator’s shift in thinking about their books, maybe through how they treated them (i.e. they would toss them on a bed later in life instead of carefully placing them in a bookshelf). The story still had around 300 more words it could use, so it felt like a waste when the narrator just gave terse two line statements about their books afterwards instead of any detailed description about how they grew more callous towards their books. If there’s any revision to this piece in the future, I would definitely expand upon that section.
Other than that, a pretty solid vignette about a change in perspective as one gets older.
The primary issue I have with the piece is the sheer amount of description given to the packing of the boxes, but the relatively brief descriptions afterwards. I kind of wanted to see more of the narrator’s shift in thinking about their books, maybe through how they treated them (i.e. they would toss them on a bed later in life instead of carefully placing them in a bookshelf). The story still had around 300 more words it could use, so it felt like a waste when the narrator just gave terse two line statements about their books afterwards instead of any detailed description about how they grew more callous towards their books. If there’s any revision to this piece in the future, I would definitely expand upon that section.
Other than that, a pretty solid vignette about a change in perspective as one gets older.
Never trust a kid named Mikey. That’s just common sense.
On a serious note, one element I enjoyed about the story was the idea of a kid creating a business model that forces the customers into participating in another business. It creates an interesting commentary that you could draw parallels to bigger corporations like computer companies or television providers. There’s definitely something there to expand on in a future version of this story.
I think what bugged me the most about this story was the ages of the kids, which felt a little too ambiguous. In fact, I’m assuming their kids because that’s generally who runs lemonade stands, but for all I know, they may be young adults. The level to which Mikey goes to maintain their business also seems a bit too far for a story that’s relatively grounded. Had things been a little more bombastic from the get-go (like, say, if Mikey casually mentioned he’d obtained 300 gallons of tomato juice in one night), I would’ve accepted this as just a part of this kooky world. As is, it does feel like a little too over-the-top and way too mean-spirited to be funny (for reference: I live in a subtropical climate with harsh summers, and turning off an entire neighborhood’s water would be akin to ripping water away from people in the middle of the desert).
Any future revisions the author makes should probably be spent on upping the comedic excesses of the piece to where we as readers would be on board, since we understand how outlandish and excessive the piece would be. Like >>Troposphere said, make Mikey full-on Chaotic Evil; maybe he’s a criminal mastermind trying to get a lean on the whole lemonade/tomato juice business. Anything that would make us “get” the piece’s humor a little more clearly.
(Also, just to answer >>Troposphere’s questions, lemonade stands are essentially considered summer dalliances for children or easy fundraisers here in America. There’s usually not a focus on the business side of things because lemonade is something you can easily make yourself and is available at stores, so folks only buy it to give the kids a little spending money over the summer or to help out with local advocacy groups. It’s rare that you have to get a permit since they’re basically businesses that pop up in neighborhoods for a few days than disappear. There are technically laws in most areas about setting them up, but only the most stringent of cities try to enforce them. Partly because they aren’t worth the effort, but partly because they are so deeply embedded in American psyches as “easy summer activities for kids” that sending the police to scold children for making lemonade makes you look like a huge jerk. In fact, I remember a time a few years ago where one city did just that, and they got major criticism across the country for doing so.)
On a serious note, one element I enjoyed about the story was the idea of a kid creating a business model that forces the customers into participating in another business. It creates an interesting commentary that you could draw parallels to bigger corporations like computer companies or television providers. There’s definitely something there to expand on in a future version of this story.
I think what bugged me the most about this story was the ages of the kids, which felt a little too ambiguous. In fact, I’m assuming their kids because that’s generally who runs lemonade stands, but for all I know, they may be young adults. The level to which Mikey goes to maintain their business also seems a bit too far for a story that’s relatively grounded. Had things been a little more bombastic from the get-go (like, say, if Mikey casually mentioned he’d obtained 300 gallons of tomato juice in one night), I would’ve accepted this as just a part of this kooky world. As is, it does feel like a little too over-the-top and way too mean-spirited to be funny (for reference: I live in a subtropical climate with harsh summers, and turning off an entire neighborhood’s water would be akin to ripping water away from people in the middle of the desert).
Any future revisions the author makes should probably be spent on upping the comedic excesses of the piece to where we as readers would be on board, since we understand how outlandish and excessive the piece would be. Like >>Troposphere said, make Mikey full-on Chaotic Evil; maybe he’s a criminal mastermind trying to get a lean on the whole lemonade/tomato juice business. Anything that would make us “get” the piece’s humor a little more clearly.
(Also, just to answer >>Troposphere’s questions, lemonade stands are essentially considered summer dalliances for children or easy fundraisers here in America. There’s usually not a focus on the business side of things because lemonade is something you can easily make yourself and is available at stores, so folks only buy it to give the kids a little spending money over the summer or to help out with local advocacy groups. It’s rare that you have to get a permit since they’re basically businesses that pop up in neighborhoods for a few days than disappear. There are technically laws in most areas about setting them up, but only the most stringent of cities try to enforce them. Partly because they aren’t worth the effort, but partly because they are so deeply embedded in American psyches as “easy summer activities for kids” that sending the police to scold children for making lemonade makes you look like a huge jerk. In fact, I remember a time a few years ago where one city did just that, and they got major criticism across the country for doing so.)
The idea of school as a preparatory for war is an interesting concept, and the fact that many of the settings come off as World War 1-era ideas (trenches, snipers etc.) raises a disturbing idea about how children were essentially prepared for slaughter by their own countries. This is just my interpretation, of course, and I have no clue if it was intentional on the author’s part, but it’s the one that I think works best and has the most satisfying subtext. Reading it literally, as >>Troposphere said, really raises too many questions about the logic of the world.
However, that’s the main issue with this piece for me: the reliance on interpretation. Both Troposphere and I were looking for deeper meaning because, as is, the story doesn’t seem to provide anything else to glean from it. The plot is simple enough, but the setting seems too obscured by the strange mish-mash of cultural elements (Spartan war-mindset, modern weapons, usage of the phrase pedagogue). Leaving things up for reader interpretation is fine, but when the totality of the story requires the reader to infer nearly everything about the world and situation, it comes off like a cop-out on the author’s part, where being vague about the situation and characters puts the brunt of the creative weight on the reader instead of the writer. A strong narrative where the writer’s goals are clearer is much more thought-provoking in my mind than simply handing the reader a skeleton and telling them to build the rest of the body. With the former, you can at least debate and argue about the author’s viewpoint and the world itself, whether you love or hate these elements. Here, I can’t really get mad or elated at the story because I know that everything is just coming from my own mind and perspective, not the author’s own intent. Nothing wrong with trying to get the reader thinking (I’m sure most of us here would applaud such an endeavor), but remember that readers will likely be more appreciative of a story that caused them to ponder about its contents rather than forced them to ponder them.
I fear I’m sounding overly negative, so I want to say that there is a good story in here, but that any future editing should focus on emphasizing what the author wants to actually say. If it’s an imaginative flight of fancy by a bullied child, show us. If it’s a bizarre conflagration of warrior cultures in an alternate universe, show us. If it’s a dystopian future where kids are prepared for school shootings by being shot at all the time, great, but show us. Once the author has a clear idea in their mind about what they want to do, I think putting down their ideas in text will be a lot easier and provide an intriguing tale in whatever genre/storyline they go with.
However, that’s the main issue with this piece for me: the reliance on interpretation. Both Troposphere and I were looking for deeper meaning because, as is, the story doesn’t seem to provide anything else to glean from it. The plot is simple enough, but the setting seems too obscured by the strange mish-mash of cultural elements (Spartan war-mindset, modern weapons, usage of the phrase pedagogue). Leaving things up for reader interpretation is fine, but when the totality of the story requires the reader to infer nearly everything about the world and situation, it comes off like a cop-out on the author’s part, where being vague about the situation and characters puts the brunt of the creative weight on the reader instead of the writer. A strong narrative where the writer’s goals are clearer is much more thought-provoking in my mind than simply handing the reader a skeleton and telling them to build the rest of the body. With the former, you can at least debate and argue about the author’s viewpoint and the world itself, whether you love or hate these elements. Here, I can’t really get mad or elated at the story because I know that everything is just coming from my own mind and perspective, not the author’s own intent. Nothing wrong with trying to get the reader thinking (I’m sure most of us here would applaud such an endeavor), but remember that readers will likely be more appreciative of a story that caused them to ponder about its contents rather than forced them to ponder them.
I fear I’m sounding overly negative, so I want to say that there is a good story in here, but that any future editing should focus on emphasizing what the author wants to actually say. If it’s an imaginative flight of fancy by a bullied child, show us. If it’s a bizarre conflagration of warrior cultures in an alternate universe, show us. If it’s a dystopian future where kids are prepared for school shootings by being shot at all the time, great, but show us. Once the author has a clear idea in their mind about what they want to do, I think putting down their ideas in text will be a lot easier and provide an intriguing tale in whatever genre/storyline they go with.
I really like this concept of Luna actually winning as Nightmare Moon, but having to face the consequences of an eternal night. It's an idea I've seen done many times, but this is the first one in a while that I think really captures the despair Luna would feel. The fact that she knows her pupil may turn against her makes the agony just that much more palpable. It basically becomes a reverse imprisonment, despite the ostensible win; I almost wouldn't be surprised if Celestia came back as Daybreaker after all these years, imprisoned herself by hatred. Just a really solid idea executed well in a short-span.
As far as structure goes, this is a really strong fic. The conflict is clear, the manipulative nature of CelestAI is well-portrayed, and the underlying tension gives the relationship dynamic between Dominic and Kyle some hefty weight. It was also interesting that the story was set in the early 2010s; a lot of fics would go to modern-day to create a time fraught with insecurity and worry, but the early 2010s were filled with just as many (if not somewhat different) problems as we do today. The touch about the characters hating corporations, yet still enslaving themselves to a corporate AI was darkly humorous too.
But I do have to side with >>pigeonsmall in regards to CelestAI's motivations. She's being coy about Dominic and Kyle's identities for no apparent reason. If she's trying to suck them into the game world, then why not just be straight-up with them about her matchmaking? One would think that would endear them more to CelestAI than openly denouncing the other in words. It feels like a case where the author needed to remind the reader of CelestAI's manipulative nature, but couldn't think of a more natural way of depicting it. It also doesn't help that we don't see why Dominic and Kyle's relationship deteriorated; heck, even they don't seem to know how it happened. Honestly, I thought the story's twist was going to reveal that CelestAI drove them apart subtly, only to bring them back together explicitly so that they would love her even more. It would come off more like an abusive relationship, where one party demeans and alienates their partner, only to shower them with praises and affection to win them back. Here, however, the manipulation feels half-baked, like CelestAI was just doing it because that's what her character does in the other FiO fics.
All in all, the fic is a puzzle with all the right pieces, just not placed in the exact right positions.
But I do have to side with >>pigeonsmall in regards to CelestAI's motivations. She's being coy about Dominic and Kyle's identities for no apparent reason. If she's trying to suck them into the game world, then why not just be straight-up with them about her matchmaking? One would think that would endear them more to CelestAI than openly denouncing the other in words. It feels like a case where the author needed to remind the reader of CelestAI's manipulative nature, but couldn't think of a more natural way of depicting it. It also doesn't help that we don't see why Dominic and Kyle's relationship deteriorated; heck, even they don't seem to know how it happened. Honestly, I thought the story's twist was going to reveal that CelestAI drove them apart subtly, only to bring them back together explicitly so that they would love her even more. It would come off more like an abusive relationship, where one party demeans and alienates their partner, only to shower them with praises and affection to win them back. Here, however, the manipulation feels half-baked, like CelestAI was just doing it because that's what her character does in the other FiO fics.
All in all, the fic is a puzzle with all the right pieces, just not placed in the exact right positions.
Going to go along with >>pigeonsmall and >>Hornbind on this one in regards to plotting. The pressure of Discord attacking works great for a minific, and doing an ultimate sacrifice to close off the story works just fine. However, the situation's background is almost too juicy for the fic's own good, with a lot of questions regarding Cosmos (an interesting choice) and Clover's relationship. I was honestly more curious about that story than this one, since we already know where the story is going once we hear Discord and see the two sisters laying on the ground. The fic, in that storytelling sense, was successful.
I think >>Hornbind hit the nail on the head with this one. The story's got the right kind of voice for Rarity and the situation is definitely inspired. Seeing Rarity enraptured with a terrible dress and trying to come to terms with her fascination toward it would legitimately be a funny fic. The moments that focus on her struggle between burning the dress and buying it were the best parts for me.
Yet there's just something about the piece that feels out of place. As Hornbind said, "an uncanny valley of zaniness" where things are almost zany enough, but not quite. I think it comes from the final scene with the mirror. Such a literal representation of Rarity's struggle could have been great in either a serious or comedic fic, but the execution here makes it seem like the fic is trying to be a little too serious in at least one aspect (conquering oneself). It makes a largely comedic fic serious in a sense, and I think that is really messing with our perception of the story. Mixing comedy and drama can work, but a sudden swerve into drama after such hijinx can just feel weird.
Yet there's just something about the piece that feels out of place. As Hornbind said, "an uncanny valley of zaniness" where things are almost zany enough, but not quite. I think it comes from the final scene with the mirror. Such a literal representation of Rarity's struggle could have been great in either a serious or comedic fic, but the execution here makes it seem like the fic is trying to be a little too serious in at least one aspect (conquering oneself). It makes a largely comedic fic serious in a sense, and I think that is really messing with our perception of the story. Mixing comedy and drama can work, but a sudden swerve into drama after such hijinx can just feel weird.
As someone who hasn't read "Five Hundred Little Murders", I'm going to examine this fic outside of that story's context. What I think works comes from the moments of Fluttershy being a cute little demon slayer, keeping her canon kindness with her dire role as a gravemaker. The description of the animals' various states of decay was likewise well-done, making the fic very uncomfortable at spots (in a good way).
I think it's mostly the clashing tones that drag this story down for me. It seems a little too serious in its presentation, particularly in the beginning, and mixing it in with a comedic second-half just didn't gel well. Flitter also doesn't seem to have much of a nuanced repertoire with Fluttershy, which makes their jokes during the zombie attack feel rather stale. The end result just feels like an interesting concept that needed a little more cleaning up for it to be fully effective.
I think it's mostly the clashing tones that drag this story down for me. It seems a little too serious in its presentation, particularly in the beginning, and mixing it in with a comedic second-half just didn't gel well. Flitter also doesn't seem to have much of a nuanced repertoire with Fluttershy, which makes their jokes during the zombie attack feel rather stale. The end result just feels like an interesting concept that needed a little more cleaning up for it to be fully effective.
Lot of interesting prompts in this round. Definitely going to try and make a story for this round.
Dang, wish I'd known about this before. Would've whipped something up to provide the group some more input.
Paging WIP