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Thanks everyone for commenting! This is the first time I've contributed to an art round, and also the first time I did photo editing for artistic purposes (only been doing insurance fraud until now... just kidding).
Found this tree while taking a walk through my local nature reserve. It stood out like a sore thumb, the only dead thing in sight and towering like a single pillar in a sea for weeds and reed. I took a photo with my smartphone, cropped it in irfanview, isolated tree, background vegetation, and sky in photoshop and fiddled around with saturation, contrast, and brightness until I was satisfied.
Then I thought: Hmm... this is a bit low effort. Also, another layer of meaning would be nice so people with an eye for detail get rewarded. Normal letters didn't sit right with me, because round shapes would disturb the grain of the tree and stick out too much... so Elder Futhark it was. Of course, it'd need to be in the appropriate language, so it'd have to be in Old High German.
Then it struck me: I'd already decided on a very cryptic way to put some message in this black and white picture, and I had no idea what it was gonna be. I remembered Bad Horse saying in a blogpost that one major problem in modern literary writing was people trying to be cryptic without good reason, muddying the trivial instead of tackling issues that demand a more subtle approach. Wasn't I doing something similar?
At first, I felt like a prick. Then, I chuckled, and slapped the word "tree", the most obvious thing I could think of, in Elder Futhark and Old High German on this thing and called it wisdom in the title to make fun of it. A sort of meta joke, I guess?
Nobody picked up on it, and that's probably for the better. It might have killed the mood of the piece, and that certainly seemed to have an effect on people. I'm not sorry I used the runes, though, because they play a role in 3 of the associated stories, and at least for No Sun Sought, No Saex Stone Scarred, I think they were a vital part of the inspiration.
I must say, this has been a very enjoyable experience. I'm glad I could contribute something that inspired people to write, and seeing elements of it emerge in stories is even a bit of a thrill. I can't draw to save my life to be honest, but if I can take a photo of something that fits a prompt and do artsy stuff with it in the future, I'll be sure to take part again. I'll be looking forward to future art rounds.
Found this tree while taking a walk through my local nature reserve. It stood out like a sore thumb, the only dead thing in sight and towering like a single pillar in a sea for weeds and reed. I took a photo with my smartphone, cropped it in irfanview, isolated tree, background vegetation, and sky in photoshop and fiddled around with saturation, contrast, and brightness until I was satisfied.
Then I thought: Hmm... this is a bit low effort. Also, another layer of meaning would be nice so people with an eye for detail get rewarded. Normal letters didn't sit right with me, because round shapes would disturb the grain of the tree and stick out too much... so Elder Futhark it was. Of course, it'd need to be in the appropriate language, so it'd have to be in Old High German.
Then it struck me: I'd already decided on a very cryptic way to put some message in this black and white picture, and I had no idea what it was gonna be. I remembered Bad Horse saying in a blogpost that one major problem in modern literary writing was people trying to be cryptic without good reason, muddying the trivial instead of tackling issues that demand a more subtle approach. Wasn't I doing something similar?
At first, I felt like a prick. Then, I chuckled, and slapped the word "tree", the most obvious thing I could think of, in Elder Futhark and Old High German on this thing and called it wisdom in the title to make fun of it. A sort of meta joke, I guess?
Nobody picked up on it, and that's probably for the better. It might have killed the mood of the piece, and that certainly seemed to have an effect on people. I'm not sorry I used the runes, though, because they play a role in 3 of the associated stories, and at least for No Sun Sought, No Saex Stone Scarred, I think they were a vital part of the inspiration.
I must say, this has been a very enjoyable experience. I'm glad I could contribute something that inspired people to write, and seeing elements of it emerge in stories is even a bit of a thrill. I can't draw to save my life to be honest, but if I can take a photo of something that fits a prompt and do artsy stuff with it in the future, I'll be sure to take part again. I'll be looking forward to future art rounds.
Hey guys, long time no see I guess (for those who still know me!). I've kept busy and am currently in the process of moving to another country, and [insert more perfectly valid reasons for being a bum without entry even though I contributed art]. Had a few ideas, but didn't flesh any of them out. I'm quite interested in seeing what you guys came up with though. Might be doing some reviewing!
>>TitaniumDragon
Actually, the representation is very, very accurate. Blood is about this color when it's fresh from an aterial wound, since there's oxidized heme in the blood. You can't compare it to the stuff they take from your arm for blood testing, because that's from veins and has reduced heme. Even non-aterial blood will turn this color if it's exposed to air for a while, because the heme in it will take up the oxygen as it would usually in the lungs.
The 'dark blood' is acutally one of the main immersion breakers for me in movies. Someone gets their throat slit, or shot, and out comes dark cherry juice... it always makes me laugh.
It turns dark when it coagulates, which is accurately represented here by the text gradually shifting from dark to bright red.
Edit: If you're curious, here's a nice comparison between aterial and venous blood color.
Actually, the representation is very, very accurate. Blood is about this color when it's fresh from an aterial wound, since there's oxidized heme in the blood. You can't compare it to the stuff they take from your arm for blood testing, because that's from veins and has reduced heme. Even non-aterial blood will turn this color if it's exposed to air for a while, because the heme in it will take up the oxygen as it would usually in the lungs.
The 'dark blood' is acutally one of the main immersion breakers for me in movies. Someone gets their throat slit, or shot, and out comes dark cherry juice... it always makes me laugh.
It turns dark when it coagulates, which is accurately represented here by the text gradually shifting from dark to bright red.
Edit: If you're curious, here's a nice comparison between aterial and venous blood color.
>>RogerDodger
Yeah but although the first 3 frames share nothing but the colors, the last 3 all share similarities with the 3rd. That's an odd break IMO.
Yeah but although the first 3 frames share nothing but the colors, the last 3 all share similarities with the 3rd. That's an odd break IMO.
>>Fenton
Wow, please take a step back and cool off. I think that tone is really uncalled for.
As for the picture, maybe it's a descent into chaos? I can certainly see a progression from bilateral, round shapes (biological), to multi-symmetric with straight lines (maybe mechanical?), to very abstract (maybe digital?). I don't get the last 3 frames, though.
Wow, please take a step back and cool off. I think that tone is really uncalled for.
As for the picture, maybe it's a descent into chaos? I can certainly see a progression from bilateral, round shapes (biological), to multi-symmetric with straight lines (maybe mechanical?), to very abstract (maybe digital?). I don't get the last 3 frames, though.
>>Scramblers and Shadows
The art. You can mark one or several of the pieces of art that inspired your story in the submission form.
The art. You can mark one or several of the pieces of art that inspired your story in the submission form.
>>Haze
Which one besides Bonfire Lit and Pyrotechnics? I chose top 7 because that makes the top 5 from unique artists. Looking at all of them and counting was too much of a hazzle for the argument I was making TBH.
*sigh*
Haze. Dear Haze. I did not mean to insult you. I respect you as an artist, a writer, an individual. What we have here is something I've encountered more than I'd like, and I think it's a cultural difference thing.
You see, there's this American saying that goes something like "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all," right? That concept is absolutely alien to me. I grew up in an environment that went by the maxims "who's right has to start the argument", and "many enemies, much honor." These may sound like taken from Klingon to you, but they're actually German sayings.
When I come here then, I turn my confrontational and blunt ways down to about 30%. I have to turn it down so much, I sometimes just say nothing because I don't know how to sugarcoat my opinion sufficiently. This is very tiresome, and sometimes things slip past my filter.
"I wonder why you seem to think writers are the original bunch here and artists aren't." is maybe up to 70%. "Wondering" means it is wondrous, i.e. something I would not expect you to think. "Seem" emphasizes that by adding ambiguity, and I used "think" as apposed to "said" because I cannot possibly know what you think, which means that all I'm saying is speculation on my part.
What I actually thought was "Haze just said XY. WTF? That's wrong!", and were I someplace else, that's just the way I'd said it.
So when you still manage to take offense to what I actually wrote, I feel like flinging my laptop through the window and calling it quits. It can feel insulting to have people imply you're trying to insult them when you're actually trying to avoid it, see? So thank you for editing your answer, I hate being capslocked at.
See, I always thought it was more about just doing non-MLP things. Your words actually made me see though how the far greater freedom of the original round might be hampered by even vague art. But, like I said, I think this is more a problem for people that go into rounds with an idea already in place. If that's what the original rounds are for, why not get rid of the prompt altogether?
I'm not an artist, so I don't know if the freedom getting passed onto them would make them happy or not.
That this would shift the purpose of the round towards artists doing original art is a given. I wonder if that's bad, though? Right now, this group is more-or-less a pure writing group, with a few also doing art. If the group wants to stay like this, I can understand not wanting to give away the 'power' to the artists, but would be a fair thing if there were more artists without an interest in writing themselves to join in the future.
That is a fair point and I think I haven't thought this through thoroughly. Having a piece of art basically represent everything that would be possible to be expressed in a minific does restrict a hellova lot. Hmm... might still try it, but I see now why it might be problematic.
3 of them. But why stop at 7 specifically? Why not poor #8? Or all of them, regardless of rank? The ranking didn't determine which stories were produced.
Which one besides Bonfire Lit and Pyrotechnics? I chose top 7 because that makes the top 5 from unique artists. Looking at all of them and counting was too much of a hazzle for the argument I was making TBH.
I wonder why you seem to think writers are the original bunch here and artists aren't.
I wonder why you're putting words in my mouth. I found this pretty insulting.
*sigh*
Haze. Dear Haze. I did not mean to insult you. I respect you as an artist, a writer, an individual. What we have here is something I've encountered more than I'd like, and I think it's a cultural difference thing.
You see, there's this American saying that goes something like "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all," right? That concept is absolutely alien to me. I grew up in an environment that went by the maxims "who's right has to start the argument", and "many enemies, much honor." These may sound like taken from Klingon to you, but they're actually German sayings.
When I come here then, I turn my confrontational and blunt ways down to about 30%. I have to turn it down so much, I sometimes just say nothing because I don't know how to sugarcoat my opinion sufficiently. This is very tiresome, and sometimes things slip past my filter.
"I wonder why you seem to think writers are the original bunch here and artists aren't." is maybe up to 70%. "Wondering" means it is wondrous, i.e. something I would not expect you to think. "Seem" emphasizes that by adding ambiguity, and I used "think" as apposed to "said" because I cannot possibly know what you think, which means that all I'm saying is speculation on my part.
What I actually thought was "Haze just said XY. WTF? That's wrong!", and were I someplace else, that's just the way I'd said it.
So when you still manage to take offense to what I actually wrote, I feel like flinging my laptop through the window and calling it quits. It can feel insulting to have people imply you're trying to insult them when you're actually trying to avoid it, see? So thank you for editing your answer, I hate being capslocked at.
The conflict I see here is that the original rounds were created to go "hey now you have to write something that's not based on someone else's idea"[...]
See, I always thought it was more about just doing non-MLP things. Your words actually made me see though how the far greater freedom of the original round might be hampered by even vague art. But, like I said, I think this is more a problem for people that go into rounds with an idea already in place. If that's what the original rounds are for, why not get rid of the prompt altogether?
I'm not an artist, so I don't know if the freedom getting passed onto them would make them happy or not.
That this would shift the purpose of the round towards artists doing original art is a given. I wonder if that's bad, though? Right now, this group is more-or-less a pure writing group, with a few also doing art. If the group wants to stay like this, I can understand not wanting to give away the 'power' to the artists, but would be a fair thing if there were more artists without an interest in writing themselves to join in the future.
to clarify what I mean about complicating the writing: the artwork becomes that one good scene. in the short stories.
That is a fair point and I think I haven't thought this through thoroughly. Having a piece of art basically represent everything that would be possible to be expressed in a minific does restrict a hellova lot. Hmm... might still try it, but I see now why it might be problematic.
>>CoffeeMinion
I believe the "art might not really work for original rounds" hypothesis is something that deserves at least 1 experiment to get some empirical data. If we look at the top 7 of the art round this time, only 2 really use known characters from MLP. I'm with >>shinygiratinaz on this one.
>>Haze
I wonder why you seem to think writers are the original bunch here and artists aren't. Original art is a thing, and although I agree that there might be more vague pieces, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing as shown by the voting turnout.
Also, is art really restricting the creative process of writers, or is it propelling it? I assume having art would lead to trouble for writers that use writeoffs to turn already existing story ideas they have into actual writing, but for me who tries to come up with something fresh each time, it worked wonders. Hadn't it been for Automating Friendship, I never would've come up with the idea of connecting something futuristic/robotic with the Rising From the Ashes prompt.
I guess hard evidence whether having an additional step of abstraction going from prompt -> art -> story instead of going from prompt to story directly will lead to a larger variety or a preselection of ideas is hard to come by. I think though that it is largely dependent on a lot of factors, like art turnout and artwork specificity concerning characters and setting. That is mostly dependent on the artists participating.
As I see it now, the people that submited art were all (except for 1 and maybe a few others disguising as anonymous) people that usually participated in writing. If it were possible to get more artists on here that actually come for the art rounds (instead of taking it as an extra), there might be bigger turnouts and more artist variety as well.
I think it turned out great this round, and I think it can with original rounds as well. I certainly wouldn't knock it down without trying.
I... don't really get that. I actually think minifics share a lot of similarities with art. The medium doesn't allow for traditional storytelling formats, and it's hard to get in more than one fleshed-out scene... just like with art, unless you count comic panels. Like with art, minifics are about condensing an idea or a concept into something that is expressive at a glance. I don't see why joining the two should fail.
But again, I think the theoretical discussion might be interesting, but won't replace the epmirical data of just giving it a go.
I believe the "art might not really work for original rounds" hypothesis is something that deserves at least 1 experiment to get some empirical data. If we look at the top 7 of the art round this time, only 2 really use known characters from MLP. I'm with >>shinygiratinaz on this one.
>>Haze
Authors can write about anything they choose (potentially for publishing), and using artwork will unnecessarily restrict that. On the other side, artists would have too little restriction, since they can't draw fanart of recognizable characters. The art might become more vague or even abstract. I suspect it would be less fun than it was here.
I wonder why you seem to think writers are the original bunch here and artists aren't. Original art is a thing, and although I agree that there might be more vague pieces, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing as shown by the voting turnout.
Also, is art really restricting the creative process of writers, or is it propelling it? I assume having art would lead to trouble for writers that use writeoffs to turn already existing story ideas they have into actual writing, but for me who tries to come up with something fresh each time, it worked wonders. Hadn't it been for Automating Friendship, I never would've come up with the idea of connecting something futuristic/robotic with the Rising From the Ashes prompt.
I guess hard evidence whether having an additional step of abstraction going from prompt -> art -> story instead of going from prompt to story directly will lead to a larger variety or a preselection of ideas is hard to come by. I think though that it is largely dependent on a lot of factors, like art turnout and artwork specificity concerning characters and setting. That is mostly dependent on the artists participating.
As I see it now, the people that submited art were all (except for 1 and maybe a few others disguising as anonymous) people that usually participated in writing. If it were possible to get more artists on here that actually come for the art rounds (instead of taking it as an extra), there might be bigger turnouts and more artist variety as well.
I think it turned out great this round, and I think it can with original rounds as well. I certainly wouldn't knock it down without trying.
Minifics work better with minimalism. Artwork complicates that.
I... don't really get that. I actually think minifics share a lot of similarities with art. The medium doesn't allow for traditional storytelling formats, and it's hard to get in more than one fleshed-out scene... just like with art, unless you count comic panels. Like with art, minifics are about condensing an idea or a concept into something that is expressive at a glance. I don't see why joining the two should fail.
But again, I think the theoretical discussion might be interesting, but won't replace the epmirical data of just giving it a go.
>>RogerDodger
I didn't participate in the art part, so just the first question for me:
Should we do this again? If so, how often?
I would really like this to become a regular thing. Every other round seems like a good measure, but I think it can be turned down a bit if people get burned out (I expect this to be much more taxing on people that want to participate in both arting and writing).
For me, having more to go by than a simple sentence really helped getting creative. Trying to come up with an idea from a regular prompt sometimes feels like beating my head against a wall, but I think I could've written several stories based on the various art pieces given enough time.
I didn't participate in the art part, so just the first question for me:
Should we do this again? If so, how often?
I would really like this to become a regular thing. Every other round seems like a good measure, but I think it can be turned down a bit if people get burned out (I expect this to be much more taxing on people that want to participate in both arting and writing).
For me, having more to go by than a simple sentence really helped getting creative. Trying to come up with an idea from a regular prompt sometimes feels like beating my head against a wall, but I think I could've written several stories based on the various art pieces given enough time.
>>Novel_Idea
This was the first line that heralded some meaningful conflict.
“We cannot allow you to follow the Path any longer, Weaver,” said the stallion. “Your actions would destroy us all.”
This was the first line that heralded some meaningful conflict.
>>Novel_Idea >>Kritten >>Fenton >>Posh >>Rao >>horizon >>Cold in Gardez >>CoffeeMinion
Thank you for all of your input. I really only managed to wrap my head around the idea Saturday evening, and wrote it down in one big top-to-bottom chunk on Sunday. Considering this, I'm quite happy how it turned out, but I apologize for any nightmares my story may have caused.
Novel_Idea:
The thing is that it doesn't start out as an action scene... at least that was my intent. Cadence got dropped into reality and is being accelerated towards the ground by gravity, but she's so far in her head that she fails to take action for a bit, before her instincts kick in. I'll try to rework the beginning to make that clearer. Your observations about my writing may very well stem from me being a bit rusty and just getting back into the groove of things as I was writing. Like I said, it was one big 11 hour sitting I wrote this in, and I went for an instant editing pass, but those usually don't yield much improvement... having a week or so between writing and editing yields the best results in my experience.
Kritten:
I could be snarky about this and say that everything can be summarized in a quick sentence or two, but I get where you're coming from. Since this is a very strange story in that it lacks a real plot or character development though, I feel that it needs the setup to turn the concept into a blow. Otherwise I could just as well write the summary and be done with it. "Cadence cast a spell that turned love into hate, Twilight cured it by accidentally getting rid of all emotions, ponykind went extinct and Equestria is now populated by robots." /story
Even in stories that have plot and character arcs, there are passages that don't directly contribute to either. In e.g. LotR, one of the most memorable bits and mystical passages for me was the part in the Old Forest and Tom Bombadil. They cut that one in the films completely, because, like I said, they don't contribute to the main meat of the story.
In this day and age, most things are streamlined to perform a certain task, and people don't move unless they have a destination. This translates into fiction as well, but I don't think it necessarily should.
I'm sorry it didn't work for you, but I don't think I'll be changing a whole lot of the pacing.
Fenton:
That's valuable feedback, and I see the weakness, too. I'll try to up the quality of the prose and, like you said, make it closer to Cadence's POV to remedy that. I have a very easy time writing first person, but in third limited, I still struggle a lot to stick to a certain character proximity in POV, and it shows in this entry.
Posh:
I tried to have her more formal since the last time she's met Celestia and Twilight, they were in all-out confrontation. I think it would feel unnatural to go back to chummy dialogue, and not being overtly emotional is also a way of being polite in my eyes. I'll have a lookout and re-asses line for line during editing, though.
Yeah, I dropped a hint but didn't really expand enough to have enough information in the story to let readers guess. My head-canon was that Twilight had taken in Flurry as a student, which meant moving to Ponyville, spending less time with her mother, and also having someone else to look up to. Shining Armor could've started spending more time with Twilight as well, the brother-sister bond gaining more importance as the marriage with Cadence grew older. In short, emotional attachment turning love into hate through jealousy. Maybe I can work this in more clearly.
As for Smarty Pants, I just wanted the image of a filly starting to cry without her plush toy to contrast it against the emotional numbness. Just like with Celestia, it was also to show that, while they don't feel it consciously, their bodies still express signs of distress.
Rao: Thank you for the comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
horizon: Thank you for the encouraging words. I'm really glad the story and the slow setup worked so well for you... really gives me the confidence to stick to the pacing.
Yeah, I mostly turned the night deathly silent to imply that the autmatons populating the city shut off all at once instead of petering out, that's why I mentioned the bustling city a few times before. The bird was just something I came up with on the spot and went with without giving it thorough thought. I guess I'll scratch it during editing.
Also, thank you for all the other nitpicks, they'll come in very handy.
(BTW, I don't have a story in the RCL yet, but Horse Voice recommended one of my stories a few weeks back. I don't know how quick your process is, but you might want to hold back on judging it then and see which, if any, of the stories is worthy.)
Cold in Gardez:
Thank you for your well-meant critique. I was aware I was pulling a bit of an M. Night Shyamalan move with this story. I had planned for Cadence to come from her banishment un-reformed first, and trying to unleash revenge with her emotion-based magic once more, only to find it utterly ineffective, and developing her from there to where she's at the end of the story.
I decided against it though: A) because I didn't know if I could pull it off in the time frame I had for writing, and B) because I didn't know if I could pull if off convincingly at all. It would've meant Cadence trying to do a whole lot of things to no effect, and I'd have to address the changed nature of the pony population much earlier or find ways to distract from it, compared to if she'd come back trying to fit back in. I think that's the idiot ball issues horizon spoke of in his answer to your review.
I'm not saying it cannot be done, though. Just probably not by me.
CoffeeMinion: Thank you for mentioning all the things you liked about it. Although critical feedback is good to improve, feedback such as your's is also very valuable so I know what not to cut! :)
I definitely see the merit in that. I'll try rework the last scene a bit to move it further back!
AndrewRogue:
I see what you mean, I found that "the thing we've lost" business a bit grating, too, when I re-read it the next day. I'll have to think of a way to hide that a bit, but I still think having her address "meaning" as the thing that was worst losing is important. She and Celestia struggle with it, but they've found a way to deal with the loss of emotions.
Additional Thanks to Cassius: I don't think I'd been able to come up with this concept if it weren't for the Automating Friendship artwork. I've really loved this "prompt begets art begets stories" experiment, and hope it'll become a regular thing.
Thank you for all of your input. I really only managed to wrap my head around the idea Saturday evening, and wrote it down in one big top-to-bottom chunk on Sunday. Considering this, I'm quite happy how it turned out, but I apologize for any nightmares my story may have caused.
Novel_Idea:
The beginning of this story felt… too thick, I guess is the best explanation. Especially considering that this is an action scene, the sentences are simply too long. In fact, I’m not even sure the first paragraph is needed, because the second has the appropriate feeling of an action scene. And the further I get in… it almost seems as if it was done by another author entirely.
The thing is that it doesn't start out as an action scene... at least that was my intent. Cadence got dropped into reality and is being accelerated towards the ground by gravity, but she's so far in her head that she fails to take action for a bit, before her instincts kick in. I'll try to rework the beginning to make that clearer. Your observations about my writing may very well stem from me being a bit rusty and just getting back into the groove of things as I was writing. Like I said, it was one big 11 hour sitting I wrote this in, and I went for an instant editing pass, but those usually don't yield much improvement... having a week or so between writing and editing yields the best results in my experience.
Kritten:
If you have a really good concept for the story, you shouldn't force your audience to read through things that can be summarized with a quick sentence or two, or better yet, not at all. The entire beginning part could've been skipped, alongside a couple events here and there.
I could be snarky about this and say that everything can be summarized in a quick sentence or two, but I get where you're coming from. Since this is a very strange story in that it lacks a real plot or character development though, I feel that it needs the setup to turn the concept into a blow. Otherwise I could just as well write the summary and be done with it. "Cadence cast a spell that turned love into hate, Twilight cured it by accidentally getting rid of all emotions, ponykind went extinct and Equestria is now populated by robots." /story
Even in stories that have plot and character arcs, there are passages that don't directly contribute to either. In e.g. LotR, one of the most memorable bits and mystical passages for me was the part in the Old Forest and Tom Bombadil. They cut that one in the films completely, because, like I said, they don't contribute to the main meat of the story.
In this day and age, most things are streamlined to perform a certain task, and people don't move unless they have a destination. This translates into fiction as well, but I don't think it necessarily should.
I'm sorry it didn't work for you, but I don't think I'll be changing a whole lot of the pacing.
Fenton:
It seems you wanted to arrive as soon as possible at the moment with Cadence and Twilight but you still wrote two big scenes. The scenes felt weak and rushed. [...] Moreover, even if the story is from Cadence's POV, I think you should stick closer to her. Sometimes it seems like you were going away from her eyes and it didn't help to feel her pain and sadness.
That's valuable feedback, and I see the weakness, too. I'll try to up the quality of the prose and, like you said, make it closer to Cadence's POV to remedy that. I have a very easy time writing first person, but in third limited, I still struggle a lot to stick to a certain character proximity in POV, and it shows in this entry.
Posh:
I'll mention that Cadance's dialogue feels unusually stilted and unemotional [...]
I tried to have her more formal since the last time she's met Celestia and Twilight, they were in all-out confrontation. I think it would feel unnatural to go back to chummy dialogue, and not being overtly emotional is also a way of being polite in my eyes. I'll have a lookout and re-asses line for line during editing, though.
What she did is apparent. Why she did it... I don't really grasp that. Nor do I fully understand the significance of Smarty Pants.
Yeah, I dropped a hint but didn't really expand enough to have enough information in the story to let readers guess. My head-canon was that Twilight had taken in Flurry as a student, which meant moving to Ponyville, spending less time with her mother, and also having someone else to look up to. Shining Armor could've started spending more time with Twilight as well, the brother-sister bond gaining more importance as the marriage with Cadence grew older. In short, emotional attachment turning love into hate through jealousy. Maybe I can work this in more clearly.
As for Smarty Pants, I just wanted the image of a filly starting to cry without her plush toy to contrast it against the emotional numbness. Just like with Celestia, it was also to show that, while they don't feel it consciously, their bodies still express signs of distress.
Rao: Thank you for the comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
horizon: Thank you for the encouraging words. I'm really glad the story and the slow setup worked so well for you... really gives me the confidence to stick to the pacing.
She's woken up by a bird in the morning, but the night is deathly silent? Where are the night animals?
Yeah, I mostly turned the night deathly silent to imply that the autmatons populating the city shut off all at once instead of petering out, that's why I mentioned the bustling city a few times before. The bird was just something I came up with on the spot and went with without giving it thorough thought. I guess I'll scratch it during editing.
Also, thank you for all the other nitpicks, they'll come in very handy.
(BTW, I don't have a story in the RCL yet, but Horse Voice recommended one of my stories a few weeks back. I don't know how quick your process is, but you might want to hold back on judging it then and see which, if any, of the stories is worthy.)
Cold in Gardez:
Thank you for your well-meant critique. I was aware I was pulling a bit of an M. Night Shyamalan move with this story. I had planned for Cadence to come from her banishment un-reformed first, and trying to unleash revenge with her emotion-based magic once more, only to find it utterly ineffective, and developing her from there to where she's at the end of the story.
I decided against it though: A) because I didn't know if I could pull it off in the time frame I had for writing, and B) because I didn't know if I could pull if off convincingly at all. It would've meant Cadence trying to do a whole lot of things to no effect, and I'd have to address the changed nature of the pony population much earlier or find ways to distract from it, compared to if she'd come back trying to fit back in. I think that's the idiot ball issues horizon spoke of in his answer to your review.
I'm not saying it cannot be done, though. Just probably not by me.
CoffeeMinion: Thank you for mentioning all the things you liked about it. Although critical feedback is good to improve, feedback such as your's is also very valuable so I know what not to cut! :)
So actually I feel like the reveal could be a lot stronger if we got the part about synthetics right at the end.
I definitely see the merit in that. I'll try rework the last scene a bit to move it further back!
AndrewRogue:
I also run into a bit of a logistical issue in that it feels... wrong for Twilight to have forgotten what emotions are, if that makes? I mean, of course, it is difficult to imagine having no emotions at all (or lacking them for a thousand years), but her reactions just don't quite click right with me
I see what you mean, I found that "the thing we've lost" business a bit grating, too, when I re-read it the next day. I'll have to think of a way to hide that a bit, but I still think having her address "meaning" as the thing that was worst losing is important. She and Celestia struggle with it, but they've found a way to deal with the loss of emotions.
Additional Thanks to Cassius: I don't think I'd been able to come up with this concept if it weren't for the Automating Friendship artwork. I've really loved this "prompt begets art begets stories" experiment, and hope it'll become a regular thing.
There's nothing I cannot love about this story. The POV was great, as were all other technical aspects of writing. I liked the bit of shipping, the mystery, the action sequences... yeah, basically everything. Also, Chrysalis learning the hard way that ponies (or people, or changelings for that matter) have a tendency to want things that, ultimately, only increase their misery.
To the top it goes.
To the top it goes.
This looks very polished, and is very strong in all aspects of craft. Unlike horizon, I don't think the scene with minitiature Pinkie was a bad choice. It went a long way to illustrate the hopeless situation and state Twilight was in.
I do agree that the ending overstays its welcome, though. Don't get me wrong, I'd totally read that story, but I think it'd best be told seperately.
I do agree that the ending overstays its welcome, though. Don't get me wrong, I'd totally read that story, but I think it'd best be told seperately.
I think the beginning is brilliant, but it tuned down pretty quickly. I guess it comes down to the necessary tightening that's been mentioned several times in the comments now. I really loved the references to other universes, though, like Wormdeath (LotR) and Thestralcorn (HP). Very fun stuff, just stretched a bit too thin over the story's bones.
This is pretty unpolished, but other than that, I feel as though the off-screen development of Lyra's problem, whose mental health and Celestia's responsibility for its poor state seemed to be one of the main sources of conflict, was just cheating. The 'meat of the story' was pretty much backstory exploration, and I fear these exercises always failed to engage me.
The first person narration was handled pretty well, but especially twoards the end of the dialogue, it could use some more I think. Felt as though the inner monologue that first person narration usually represents just got too quite, dwindling to little more than dialogue attributions.
The first person narration was handled pretty well, but especially twoards the end of the dialogue, it could use some more I think. Felt as though the inner monologue that first person narration usually represents just got too quite, dwindling to little more than dialogue attributions.
I can't say much, other than that I felt as though the story was trying too hard to go for something artsy, and paid for it on the entertaining front. The dialogue between the zebras was fine, but as the first thing that actually engaged me, came very late in the story.
I would like to add though that 'dialogue only' and poetry are pet peeves of mine.
This was really cute, though.
I would like to add though that 'dialogue only' and poetry are pet peeves of mine.
“Eee? Core? Ah?”
This was really cute, though.
The hook is brilliant as was already pointed out, and the concept of a bearer of death is interesting.
In the end though, the story didn't do much for me. Spike is too immature, and the problems presented don't feel like the actual problems ponies (or people for that matter) would have with immortality. E.g.:
That's just describing immature relationships IMO. If being alive would cause me more pain than it brought me joy, I'm certain all of my friends and family would understand if I were to commit suicide. This isn't really raising issues of immortality, but of euthanasia. I don't see why they would have such a problem with being in control of the time of their deaths.
I think there would be a lot to explore if all of ponykind were to become immortal at some point, but they would probably manifest later than 30 years from then, and I feel like none of them are even touched in this story.
In the end though, the story didn't do much for me. Spike is too immature, and the problems presented don't feel like the actual problems ponies (or people for that matter) would have with immortality. E.g.:
And those that want to die, but have too many relationships, can't do so easily. It's more painful for them to be alive, but their absence would cause more pain if they left. There's no happy ending for them anymore. They can only endure forever without hope of an end
That's just describing immature relationships IMO. If being alive would cause me more pain than it brought me joy, I'm certain all of my friends and family would understand if I were to commit suicide. This isn't really raising issues of immortality, but of euthanasia. I don't see why they would have such a problem with being in control of the time of their deaths.
I think there would be a lot to explore if all of ponykind were to become immortal at some point, but they would probably manifest later than 30 years from then, and I feel like none of them are even touched in this story.
>>FairyRave
You're very welcome, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I didn't know of your block, but it makes me even happier that this might have helped with breaking free from it. I've also found these contests a great way of breaking inactivity streaks: the high-quality feedback is great motivation to participate, and the short deadlines eliminate all possibility for procrastination.
I don't know how regular rounds with art will be, and there is no feature (yet?) to just be notified of art rounds, so if you want, I can let you know when the next one is. Although, if you want to improve your writing, and add MLP and/or original fiction to the HP and Sherlock fanfics, you might just as well get all the e-mail notifications and wait for a prompt to spark your creativity ;-)
You're very welcome, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I didn't know of your block, but it makes me even happier that this might have helped with breaking free from it. I've also found these contests a great way of breaking inactivity streaks: the high-quality feedback is great motivation to participate, and the short deadlines eliminate all possibility for procrastination.
I don't know how regular rounds with art will be, and there is no feature (yet?) to just be notified of art rounds, so if you want, I can let you know when the next one is. Although, if you want to improve your writing, and add MLP and/or original fiction to the HP and Sherlock fanfics, you might just as well get all the e-mail notifications and wait for a prompt to spark your creativity ;-)
The face made me think "Robocop!", but the colors made me think "Tron". There's a lot of inspiration to be found here, though I don't really get the pose.
I feel as though the pony skeleton's arm is missing a few bones to make it complete. Probably intentional, but it's taking a lot of my focus.
Craft-wise, I think this is spectacular. The proportions are perfect, and the vertebrae look super realistic. I don't know if I'm a fan of the background and symmetric composition though, but that's just personal preference of course.
Craft-wise, I think this is spectacular. The proportions are perfect, and the vertebrae look super realistic. I don't know if I'm a fan of the background and symmetric composition though, but that's just personal preference of course.
Paging WIP