Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
I now have twins and sleep is basically a distant memory, but man, do I miss reading/writing horsefics...
This one was the first story I picked up, and it was a great intro to this Writeoff.
There are certain moments in fiction that instill a sense of reality. Reading this, it felt like the genuine experience of working on the fields, even though in reality it's not quite that. Being able to instill that in a reader unfamiliar with a given profession is a great achievement, and I commend the writer for it.
That said, the actual contents of the story just didn't pique my interest. It's a solemn little vignette, but it lacks a strong emotional arc.
Prose was good, I don't have any particular comments.
Thank you for writing!
There are certain moments in fiction that instill a sense of reality. Reading this, it felt like the genuine experience of working on the fields, even though in reality it's not quite that. Being able to instill that in a reader unfamiliar with a given profession is a great achievement, and I commend the writer for it.
That said, the actual contents of the story just didn't pique my interest. It's a solemn little vignette, but it lacks a strong emotional arc.
Prose was good, I don't have any particular comments.
Thank you for writing!
I found this story a bit lacking in its ability to engage me emotionally.
The initial setup has several leads that seem to indicate a deeper backstory, but with no time to explore them they feel a little vestigial.
The transformation also feels a bit... distant. It didn't feel like I as the reader was going on this journey. This might sound harsh, but I felt as if I was peeking on the make-believe diary of an otherkin, rather than feel myself engage and identify with the events. This leaves the story feeling kind of weird for me - it's almost as if it wasn't meant for me to read, but instead I'm intruding on someone else's personal fantasy. I'm not saying that this is the actual case, just what I felt like when reading.
The writing itself flowed well, easily the best in the Writeoff. I think this is one of the main strengths of this story - the prose itself just reads very naturally.
Thank you for writing!
The initial setup has several leads that seem to indicate a deeper backstory, but with no time to explore them they feel a little vestigial.
The transformation also feels a bit... distant. It didn't feel like I as the reader was going on this journey. This might sound harsh, but I felt as if I was peeking on the make-believe diary of an otherkin, rather than feel myself engage and identify with the events. This leaves the story feeling kind of weird for me - it's almost as if it wasn't meant for me to read, but instead I'm intruding on someone else's personal fantasy. I'm not saying that this is the actual case, just what I felt like when reading.
The writing itself flowed well, easily the best in the Writeoff. I think this is one of the main strengths of this story - the prose itself just reads very naturally.
Thank you for writing!
I absolutely adore this pic!
The elements are chosen perfectly and the overall composition and feel are super strong. I would be proud to have this as a cover for the story (and would feel a little guilty too, as the picture is much better than the story itself).
Might be my bias, but this is absolutely my slate topper.
Edit: Would love to learn about how you found the right clip art and how you created this.
The elements are chosen perfectly and the overall composition and feel are super strong. I would be proud to have this as a cover for the story (and would feel a little guilty too, as the picture is much better than the story itself).
Might be my bias, but this is absolutely my slate topper.
Edit: Would love to learn about how you found the right clip art and how you created this.
From the stories in the Writeoff, this one the most straight-forward, I think to its detriment.
It was immediately obvious where it was going, which meant there wasn't much to hold the attention throughout. The dialog was well crafted and especially in the first half flowed effortlessly. In the second half, there were a tad too many red flags for James to not figure out something was up; him realizing partway through that something bad was about to happen might have made the encounter more personal and intensive.
The writing was technically very competent, I don't think I can give any pointers there.
Than you for writing!
It was immediately obvious where it was going, which meant there wasn't much to hold the attention throughout. The dialog was well crafted and especially in the first half flowed effortlessly. In the second half, there were a tad too many red flags for James to not figure out something was up; him realizing partway through that something bad was about to happen might have made the encounter more personal and intensive.
The writing was technically very competent, I don't think I can give any pointers there.
Than you for writing!
Retrospective.
I am humbled and extremely thankful for the amazing reception this got.
I really hadn't written anything in years, and that always pained me. I would see Writeoff after Writeoff show up in my email box, and would lie to myself with "maybe next time."
A month ago, I decided to try to force myself into a simple habit: Write two sentences a day.
Some days I would write a bit more, but a lot of days it really was just two sentences.
I would write only short vignettes, without any connecting story. Still, I was happy to be doing even this much.
When this Writeoff showed up, I got the idea of Twilight doing some silly mistake, going back in time, only for the mistake to not be truly erased. I wrote as much on the first day of the Writeoff, maybe three sentences.
The next two days, I had to travel for work. I still only wrote about a sentence or two, figured out what the ending would be, but still had less than 200 words in total.
It wasn't until the last day of the Writeoff, at midnight (GMT+3), 6 hours before the deadline, that I seriously sat down to finish the story. With the limited time I had, I wasn't going to craft especially good prose. What really helped me was that at that point I had a really solid idea of the exact story beats I wanted to hit were, and I knew the exact note I wanted to end on. So, guided by function, I managed to finish it in time.
The part that I'm least satisfied with is the corridor of time. I think I did a somewhat poor job articulating my idea of how this time travel works. Still, it's a good contrast with the ending and works well enough. Definitely want to revise it a bit if I publish to fimfic.
>>WritingSpirit
Slice-of-life whimsey is kind of my jam. I'm very drawn to stories that manage to be both grounded and to also have fun.
I hadn't considered that the first part needed buffing up, but upon rereading I think you are correct. I'll definitely try to improve it!
Thank you for reading!
>>Winston
Another advice to buff up the first part. Getting this outside perspective is immensely helpful!
I realize that Twilight-melts-down is a bit overdone. Indeed, it probably wouldn't work outside of a short story. Something that I wanted to do was to have a super-serious super-magical "tamper with the natural laws of the world, but in a grounded manner" solution applied to a somewhat mundane problem, and then have even that fail for mild comedic effect. Celestia playfully rimming Twilight over it felt like the exact right amount of comeuppance.
Thank you for reading!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Twilestia where they're more equal is something that didn't exist back in 2013 when I was reading fanfics - there was always a teacher-student, age-difference thing going on that wasn't to my liking.
Now that they're on more equal footing, I think it feels much better. I wonder what good stories are out there for me to find?
Thank you for reading!
>>pigeonsmall
Twilight really would stop at nothing once she decides she knows what's best, huh?
Thank you for reading!
>>CoffeeMinion
Wow, your review is /exactly/ what I was hoping to achieve! Thank you for the kind words!
And thank you for reading!
PS. What even is the proper way to relay someone reading a letter, stylistically? Is multi-paragraph dialog even the right tool?
I am humbled and extremely thankful for the amazing reception this got.
I really hadn't written anything in years, and that always pained me. I would see Writeoff after Writeoff show up in my email box, and would lie to myself with "maybe next time."
A month ago, I decided to try to force myself into a simple habit: Write two sentences a day.
Some days I would write a bit more, but a lot of days it really was just two sentences.
I would write only short vignettes, without any connecting story. Still, I was happy to be doing even this much.
When this Writeoff showed up, I got the idea of Twilight doing some silly mistake, going back in time, only for the mistake to not be truly erased. I wrote as much on the first day of the Writeoff, maybe three sentences.
The next two days, I had to travel for work. I still only wrote about a sentence or two, figured out what the ending would be, but still had less than 200 words in total.
It wasn't until the last day of the Writeoff, at midnight (GMT+3), 6 hours before the deadline, that I seriously sat down to finish the story. With the limited time I had, I wasn't going to craft especially good prose. What really helped me was that at that point I had a really solid idea of the exact story beats I wanted to hit were, and I knew the exact note I wanted to end on. So, guided by function, I managed to finish it in time.
The part that I'm least satisfied with is the corridor of time. I think I did a somewhat poor job articulating my idea of how this time travel works. Still, it's a good contrast with the ending and works well enough. Definitely want to revise it a bit if I publish to fimfic.
>>WritingSpirit
Slice-of-life whimsey is kind of my jam. I'm very drawn to stories that manage to be both grounded and to also have fun.
I hadn't considered that the first part needed buffing up, but upon rereading I think you are correct. I'll definitely try to improve it!
Thank you for reading!
>>Winston
Another advice to buff up the first part. Getting this outside perspective is immensely helpful!
I realize that Twilight-melts-down is a bit overdone. Indeed, it probably wouldn't work outside of a short story. Something that I wanted to do was to have a super-serious super-magical "tamper with the natural laws of the world, but in a grounded manner" solution applied to a somewhat mundane problem, and then have even that fail for mild comedic effect. Celestia playfully rimming Twilight over it felt like the exact right amount of comeuppance.
Thank you for reading!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Twilestia where they're more equal is something that didn't exist back in 2013 when I was reading fanfics - there was always a teacher-student, age-difference thing going on that wasn't to my liking.
Now that they're on more equal footing, I think it feels much better. I wonder what good stories are out there for me to find?
Thank you for reading!
>>pigeonsmall
Twilight really would stop at nothing once she decides she knows what's best, huh?
Thank you for reading!
>>CoffeeMinion
Wow, your review is /exactly/ what I was hoping to achieve! Thank you for the kind words!
And thank you for reading!
PS. What even is the proper way to relay someone reading a letter, stylistically? Is multi-paragraph dialog even the right tool?
I really love how this combines every fic.
It was a Twilight-heavy writeoff, sure, but thematically this ends up uncannily close to my idea about how time travel works in The Mistake. I think you captured that thousand-yard stare just perfectly.
(Also, love the little marsh marrow on top. I guess it was a late addition, seeing as it's digital?)
It was a Twilight-heavy writeoff, sure, but thematically this ends up uncannily close to my idea about how time travel works in The Mistake. I think you captured that thousand-yard stare just perfectly.
(Also, love the little marsh marrow on top. I guess it was a late addition, seeing as it's digital?)
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Hey, for what it's worth, I wanted to draw something very similar to your submission, but am positive it wouldn't have been as good.
Hey, for what it's worth, I wanted to draw something very similar to your submission, but am positive it wouldn't have been as good.
This story was unsatisfying for me. I wanted to learn what happened that imposed the sugar ban to begin with, but after the setup it never comes up again. I think that with such short stories, there shouldn't be plot points that are brought up and never addressed. The story would be unchanged if it directly started with: "The Cakes ran out of sugar for the party, Pinkie remembered there was `special sugar` at the rock farm and zipped there and back with some."
Opening with an incident that necessitated a country-wide sugar ban and never exploring it seems like a wasted opportunity, as that honestly feels like a funnier idea than "oops, accidental crack cocaine."
With that said, as a "Pinkie Pie accidentally reveals her family's crack operation" story, I think the fic delivers. I did think it was a bit too easy to see it was going there, though. I was hoping for something to up the ante towards the end, but I feel we never quite got that. Nevertheless, I thought that the characterization was consistent and solid throughout.
There were several technical issues that can be easily remedied:
- You should never have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. (https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Dialogue)
- You have some run-on sentences. In most cases, you would've been fine with just using a full stop earlier. Reading the fic aloud really helps with catching such issues.
- I feel like you needed a scene transition mark for the coke baking.
Thank you for the story!
Opening with an incident that necessitated a country-wide sugar ban and never exploring it seems like a wasted opportunity, as that honestly feels like a funnier idea than "oops, accidental crack cocaine."
With that said, as a "Pinkie Pie accidentally reveals her family's crack operation" story, I think the fic delivers. I did think it was a bit too easy to see it was going there, though. I was hoping for something to up the ante towards the end, but I feel we never quite got that. Nevertheless, I thought that the characterization was consistent and solid throughout.
There were several technical issues that can be easily remedied:
- You should never have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. (https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Dialogue)
- You have some run-on sentences. In most cases, you would've been fine with just using a full stop earlier. Reading the fic aloud really helps with catching such issues.
- I feel like you needed a scene transition mark for the coke baking.
Thank you for the story!
Comedy is subjective, and I subjectively could not get into this one. Meta-fics are not my cup of tea either, and it feels like this one won't be the one to sway me.
That said, there were some funny lines (In. Confidence.) The dialog flowed well, and the back and forth felt organic. There were no notable writing issues, although I did get lost about who was speaking at one point.
The fic does lack escalation though, which I thought was necessary for the more absurdist tone employed here. Instead of building to a crescendo of worse and worse ideas, it kind of just fizzles out. It seems like it didn't make the most of its starting premise.
>>WritingSpirit mentioned that this is making fun of an established series, which I was completely unfamiliar with. So, there are probably some subtleties that were lost on me.
That said, there were some funny lines (In. Confidence.) The dialog flowed well, and the back and forth felt organic. There were no notable writing issues, although I did get lost about who was speaking at one point.
The fic does lack escalation though, which I thought was necessary for the more absurdist tone employed here. Instead of building to a crescendo of worse and worse ideas, it kind of just fizzles out. It seems like it didn't make the most of its starting premise.
>>WritingSpirit mentioned that this is making fun of an established series, which I was completely unfamiliar with. So, there are probably some subtleties that were lost on me.
You know what, this is cute.
There were some punctuation mistakes here and there, but nothing too distracting. The prose was simple, without much flourish, but quite functional. I feel like it could be puffed up a bit, especially in the final third.
Not much to say here, just a cute little story.
There were some punctuation mistakes here and there, but nothing too distracting. The prose was simple, without much flourish, but quite functional. I feel like it could be puffed up a bit, especially in the final third.
Not much to say here, just a cute little story.
I have to admit, reading this story on 5 hours sleep was not a great idea. That said, even rereading it now with fresh eyes, it still feels a bit dense at times.
Still, it's a strong story.
The writing, while a bit challenging at moments, was evocative and flowed well, and there was a certain sense of "quality" about it. The theme also feels very appropriate to the prompt.
I do think that the Queen's dialogue was a bit too exposition-y. Also, it was very hard to grasp what this passage meant - "A gentle deep blue light, the color of the sky." To me this sounds like daytime blue skies, not like nighttime darkness. Moonlight tends to be pale and cold, and night skies are…. well… black? This description made me imagine something completely different from what was probably intended, which was confusing with the later passages in mind.
The reveal was strong, but I felt like the ending was not. I was left with a sense of incompleteness and aimlessness. The ending, as written, gives zero indication on how this world might turn out. We also have very little sense of how this Rarity feels about the world. It left me frustrated.
All in all, a very strong entry.
Still, it's a strong story.
The writing, while a bit challenging at moments, was evocative and flowed well, and there was a certain sense of "quality" about it. The theme also feels very appropriate to the prompt.
I do think that the Queen's dialogue was a bit too exposition-y. Also, it was very hard to grasp what this passage meant - "A gentle deep blue light, the color of the sky." To me this sounds like daytime blue skies, not like nighttime darkness. Moonlight tends to be pale and cold, and night skies are…. well… black? This description made me imagine something completely different from what was probably intended, which was confusing with the later passages in mind.
The reveal was strong, but I felt like the ending was not. I was left with a sense of incompleteness and aimlessness. The ending, as written, gives zero indication on how this world might turn out. We also have very little sense of how this Rarity feels about the world. It left me frustrated.
All in all, a very strong entry.
For me, this was a perfectly middle-of-the-road story.
The writing was good, the characterization solid, the premise... well-trodden.
I was hoping for a double-cross by Twilight. Maybe she deals with the monkey-paw-esque djinn in a clever way? Or things get really bad, and only then does she learn the lesson about wanting to cheat fate? The ending we get in the fic is kind of in that direction, but it seems like something much more drastic than a little explosion would be needed to dissuade Twilight.
I was surprised Twilight didn't see how the undo button would immediately misfire. At that point, I started wondering if choosing a different character than might have worked better, someone more prone to getting tangled in their own web. Maybe Starlight Glimmer, maybe Trixie?
On the writing front, I think the story did very well technically and structurally. There were some run-on sentences (esp that first paragraph, eesh) but nothing too distracting.
The writing was good, the characterization solid, the premise... well-trodden.
I was hoping for a double-cross by Twilight. Maybe she deals with the monkey-paw-esque djinn in a clever way? Or things get really bad, and only then does she learn the lesson about wanting to cheat fate? The ending we get in the fic is kind of in that direction, but it seems like something much more drastic than a little explosion would be needed to dissuade Twilight.
I was surprised Twilight didn't see how the undo button would immediately misfire. At that point, I started wondering if choosing a different character than might have worked better, someone more prone to getting tangled in their own web. Maybe Starlight Glimmer, maybe Trixie?
On the writing front, I think the story did very well technically and structurally. There were some run-on sentences (esp that first paragraph, eesh) but nothing too distracting.
Thanks. I have been away from writeoffs for years, so I'm a bit out of the loop.
It feels like these treads used to be more active in the past.
However, I had to manually add myself to this group - I did not get notifications for it until I did. Since it seems to be a newer word-count category, maybe it just isn't popular yet?
(tangentially, is there a way to setup email notifications for responses here?)
It feels like these treads used to be more active in the past.
However, I had to manually add myself to this group - I did not get notifications for it until I did. Since it seems to be a newer word-count category, maybe it just isn't popular yet?
(tangentially, is there a way to setup email notifications for responses here?)
So, uh, what's the etiquette on posting reviews?
Do we post them after the voting ends?
If we post reviews now, should we post a fake review for our own story as to not make it obvious which one it is by omission?
Do we post them after the voting ends?
If we post reviews now, should we post a fake review for our own story as to not make it obvious which one it is by omission?
With only a few hours left until the next Writeoff, this retrospective is much later than I would've liked it to be.
Before everything else, a great big THANK YOU to everyone who shared their opinion on this story. Your insights were invaluable! I hope to be able to put what I learned here to good use in future works.
Thank you again :)
So, few words about this story. It was indeed inspired by a Daft Punk song, as Ranmilia pointed out. On the day of the Writeoff, I was working. I ended up driving through almost the entirety of my little country that night. I had read the prompt, and was trying to come up with a story idea on the way. It was Daft Punk's Touch that gave me the idea.
Alas, I could not stop to write on the road. By the time I got home, I barely had the strength to keep my eyes open.
So I went to sleep.
On the next day, I awoke with less than 2 hours left before the Writeoff's deadline. At that point I was convinced that I won't be able to finish a story in time, but still, I sat down to give it a shot. And, with only 3 minutes to spare before the deadline, this is what I managed to write. For what it's worth, I was happy with the result. Making finals was also a great honor.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you. Unfortunately, I don't think I will end up expanding the story. While it can definitely use more breathing room, I doubt my ability to get it to 1000 words without it overstaying its welcome. And yes, the backronym was very tortured :)
>>Orbiting_kettle >>SPark
Thank you!
>>Zaid Val'Roa
You bring a very good point about the dissonance of the probe's thoughts. While it was intended, maybe it was not handled in the best possible way. My aim was to portray a mind that is emotional, but that funnels those emotions through an "artificial" worldview. The idea was, what if a mind that is extremely analytical by nature was also emotional by circumstance. Still, as you say, could've been handled better.
>>Kami
Your well thought out and reasoned negative critique wa just a joy to read. Very good points. You're right in saying that it could have been anyone's personality. My focus was not exactly on who the probe was. Instead it was about what existence is like for an emotional, intelligent being, locked in a prison of time. It is indeed a feels grab. My sole motivation in writing it was to explore a feeling of loss, loneliness and despair.
I can't comment on prompt appropriateness. I thought the sci-fi element was close enough in spirit, but that's about that.
Thank you for your thoughts.
>>Exuno
"It mostly just makes me go :("
Mission accomplished!
>>Ritsuko
Indeed, there was a missing comma in this that bugged me to no end. My own fault for not budgeting writing time appropriately.
>>CoffeeMinion
I actually have some ideas about how the particular situation came to be, but it was never the focus of the story. Ultimately, it really is just a slice of sadness. Thanks for the thoughts!
>>Xepher
Great points!
I was wondering about how this situation can come into place. For the most part, my thoughts are that the probe had to be rushed to launch. This left many necessary avenues unexplored. There were some implications to the design that had not been understood at the time. I also speculated that the probe self-improved over time, which resulted in constantly raising processing power. So, she self improved, but that lead to her perceiving time slower and slower, because her thoughts were getting faster and faster. The prison of her mind ended up only shrinking. And, in the vast voids of time between anything happening, all she had to hold on to were Twilight's memories. She relives them, and in reality they /are/ the only thing keeping her sane. But the cost is unimaginable loneliness.
There are obvious solutions to the probe's anguish. For example, it could build its own virtual reality, and relive the memories there, "experiencing" touch. For the purposes of this story though, I went with no such solution.
>>Morning Sun
I had initially considered if it should be Twilight herself, or an AGI with her memories. Ultimately, I went with the AGI. I thought that putting Twilight in that torture box was too much, even for me.
Then again, if an artificial consciousness feels pain, is it any less deserving of sympathy?
>>Ranmilia
Tough beats indeed!
The song was very much what inspired the story. The italics were meant to represent the duality of the intelligence on board of the probe. They are the unbidden thoughts, the deep longings, stuff that is beyond its control. I do think that using those next to more reasoned (even at times machine-like) thoughts makes for a nice contrast, and it was one of my goals. Though it did not work perfectly, I want to stand by it.
Thanks!
>>Not_A_Hat >>QuillScratch
And last but by no means least, the podcast folk! Thank you both for talking about my story!
Ah, that second to last line. I thought it would be readable, but turns out not. That's an ISO8601 date code, for the year 3271. It was only meant to indicate a far future point, and to be the reason why the probe basically knows how much time has passed. It's basically a computer's version of something like "I looked back at the clock. Only thirty seconds had passed."
Making the assumption that people would read it that way was entirely wrong, though.
"At that point in the structure there should be something revealed, and a backronym is not gonna cut it." - 100% right. I messed up on that.
The 300ms time passage was indeed just a zinger (I was actually gonna try and calculate the time it would take to cross through a solar flare at relativistic speeds and put that there, but ended up just putting in something that sounded about reasonable, without much thought). It's unfortunate that it ended up attracting attention, but I should be more mindful that people are going to pay close attention when there are this few words on the page.
I had not read Hammerfall, btw. Indeed some very similar ideas going on, as far as time perception, but that one is even faster.
And indeed, Exuno was right that the point was that these thoughts go through her head over and over and over again. The story is very much a "meditation on loneliness," as Xepher put it :)
Till next time, folks!
Before everything else, a great big THANK YOU to everyone who shared their opinion on this story. Your insights were invaluable! I hope to be able to put what I learned here to good use in future works.
Thank you again :)
So, few words about this story. It was indeed inspired by a Daft Punk song, as Ranmilia pointed out. On the day of the Writeoff, I was working. I ended up driving through almost the entirety of my little country that night. I had read the prompt, and was trying to come up with a story idea on the way. It was Daft Punk's Touch that gave me the idea.
Alas, I could not stop to write on the road. By the time I got home, I barely had the strength to keep my eyes open.
So I went to sleep.
On the next day, I awoke with less than 2 hours left before the Writeoff's deadline. At that point I was convinced that I won't be able to finish a story in time, but still, I sat down to give it a shot. And, with only 3 minutes to spare before the deadline, this is what I managed to write. For what it's worth, I was happy with the result. Making finals was also a great honor.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you. Unfortunately, I don't think I will end up expanding the story. While it can definitely use more breathing room, I doubt my ability to get it to 1000 words without it overstaying its welcome. And yes, the backronym was very tortured :)
>>Orbiting_kettle >>SPark
Thank you!
>>Zaid Val'Roa
You bring a very good point about the dissonance of the probe's thoughts. While it was intended, maybe it was not handled in the best possible way. My aim was to portray a mind that is emotional, but that funnels those emotions through an "artificial" worldview. The idea was, what if a mind that is extremely analytical by nature was also emotional by circumstance. Still, as you say, could've been handled better.
>>Kami
Your well thought out and reasoned negative critique wa just a joy to read. Very good points. You're right in saying that it could have been anyone's personality. My focus was not exactly on who the probe was. Instead it was about what existence is like for an emotional, intelligent being, locked in a prison of time. It is indeed a feels grab. My sole motivation in writing it was to explore a feeling of loss, loneliness and despair.
I can't comment on prompt appropriateness. I thought the sci-fi element was close enough in spirit, but that's about that.
Thank you for your thoughts.
>>Exuno
"It mostly just makes me go :("
Mission accomplished!
>>Ritsuko
Indeed, there was a missing comma in this that bugged me to no end. My own fault for not budgeting writing time appropriately.
>>CoffeeMinion
I actually have some ideas about how the particular situation came to be, but it was never the focus of the story. Ultimately, it really is just a slice of sadness. Thanks for the thoughts!
>>Xepher
Great points!
I was wondering about how this situation can come into place. For the most part, my thoughts are that the probe had to be rushed to launch. This left many necessary avenues unexplored. There were some implications to the design that had not been understood at the time. I also speculated that the probe self-improved over time, which resulted in constantly raising processing power. So, she self improved, but that lead to her perceiving time slower and slower, because her thoughts were getting faster and faster. The prison of her mind ended up only shrinking. And, in the vast voids of time between anything happening, all she had to hold on to were Twilight's memories. She relives them, and in reality they /are/ the only thing keeping her sane. But the cost is unimaginable loneliness.
There are obvious solutions to the probe's anguish. For example, it could build its own virtual reality, and relive the memories there, "experiencing" touch. For the purposes of this story though, I went with no such solution.
>>Morning Sun
I had initially considered if it should be Twilight herself, or an AGI with her memories. Ultimately, I went with the AGI. I thought that putting Twilight in that torture box was too much, even for me.
Then again, if an artificial consciousness feels pain, is it any less deserving of sympathy?
>>Ranmilia
Tough beats indeed!
The song was very much what inspired the story. The italics were meant to represent the duality of the intelligence on board of the probe. They are the unbidden thoughts, the deep longings, stuff that is beyond its control. I do think that using those next to more reasoned (even at times machine-like) thoughts makes for a nice contrast, and it was one of my goals. Though it did not work perfectly, I want to stand by it.
Thanks!
>>Not_A_Hat >>QuillScratch
And last but by no means least, the podcast folk! Thank you both for talking about my story!
Ah, that second to last line. I thought it would be readable, but turns out not. That's an ISO8601 date code, for the year 3271. It was only meant to indicate a far future point, and to be the reason why the probe basically knows how much time has passed. It's basically a computer's version of something like "I looked back at the clock. Only thirty seconds had passed."
Making the assumption that people would read it that way was entirely wrong, though.
"At that point in the structure there should be something revealed, and a backronym is not gonna cut it." - 100% right. I messed up on that.
The 300ms time passage was indeed just a zinger (I was actually gonna try and calculate the time it would take to cross through a solar flare at relativistic speeds and put that there, but ended up just putting in something that sounded about reasonable, without much thought). It's unfortunate that it ended up attracting attention, but I should be more mindful that people are going to pay close attention when there are this few words on the page.
I had not read Hammerfall, btw. Indeed some very similar ideas going on, as far as time perception, but that one is even faster.
And indeed, Exuno was right that the point was that these thoughts go through her head over and over and over again. The story is very much a "meditation on loneliness," as Xepher put it :)
Till next time, folks!
Paging WIP