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Noodlepones! Everything about this is delightful/y over-the-top, and it's great: Ye Olde Englische (and sinister skull-like visage] on the book cover, both their expressions... Yes.
The grimace of exertion and awkward foreshortening on Trxie's forehoof are the areas I'd tweak first, though both are, erm, tricky.
(Honestly, the earlier comment primed me for this.)
I took my troubles to my friend Starlight
She's always there for me both day and night
She's got the plans and a lotta magic might
She'll set me up with Mind Mangle-Numb'r Nine
I told her that I was a prudish Trix
Talkin' 'bout smooches doesn't give me kicks
She cut to the heart, and she lent her precious time
She said what you need is Mind Mangle-Numb'r Nine
She sat straight, looked elated, gave me a wink
She said I'll fix your noggin up right here in a blink
I was so glad I didn't stop for a think
I shook my head, I closed my eyes, "Sponge out the ink!"
I didn't know if I was blue or orange
That conversation left to trace of scorn, just
A friend of a friend gushin' 'bout her sexytimes
And I owe it all to Mind Mangle-Numb'r Nine
The grimace of exertion and awkward foreshortening on Trxie's forehoof are the areas I'd tweak first, though both are, erm, tricky.
(Honestly, the earlier comment primed me for this.)
I took my troubles to my friend Starlight
She's always there for me both day and night
She's got the plans and a lotta magic might
She'll set me up with Mind Mangle-Numb'r Nine
I told her that I was a prudish Trix
Talkin' 'bout smooches doesn't give me kicks
She cut to the heart, and she lent her precious time
She said what you need is Mind Mangle-Numb'r Nine
She sat straight, looked elated, gave me a wink
She said I'll fix your noggin up right here in a blink
I was so glad I didn't stop for a think
I shook my head, I closed my eyes, "Sponge out the ink!"
I didn't know if I was blue or orange
That conversation left to trace of scorn, just
A friend of a friend gushin' 'bout her sexytimes
And I owe it all to Mind Mangle-Numb'r Nine
>>Baal Bunny
This reaction is completely justified -- the pony serial numbers are extremely forged. My goal with this was to explore writing psychological horror. Neither of these characters are meant to be the pony-Sunset, and indeed I was purposefully ambiguous even about exactly how many people are actually present.
I shoehorned EQG elements into an effectively original story so I could double-enter it into a Sunset x Sunset competition (with Horror and AU tags affixed, salvaging elements from dead-end attempts) and to ensure (trick) a ready audience.
It so happens that the winner of the SxS event does exactly what you propose, has a strong romantic dynamic between them (as lovers, exs, and together again), and not a lick of horror to be found.
>>Heavy_Mole
The Sunset we see at the beginning (Shimmy) is happy, confident, self-assured, eager; despite her less-than-ideal circumstances. The neuroses she develops are exactly correllated with Sunny becoming more and more complex and realized. Further, the 'dark side' of Sunny isn't revealed until Shimmy is completely powerless. (at least, that's what I meant to write). From that perspective I can't say I find your interpretation particulary valid specifically to this story as written. Still interesting to consider, so thanks for following up.
This reaction is completely justified -- the pony serial numbers are extremely forged. My goal with this was to explore writing psychological horror. Neither of these characters are meant to be the pony-Sunset, and indeed I was purposefully ambiguous even about exactly how many people are actually present.
I shoehorned EQG elements into an effectively original story so I could double-enter it into a Sunset x Sunset competition (with Horror and AU tags affixed, salvaging elements from dead-end attempts) and to ensure (trick) a ready audience.
It so happens that the winner of the SxS event does exactly what you propose, has a strong romantic dynamic between them (as lovers, exs, and together again), and not a lick of horror to be found.
>>Heavy_Mole
The Sunset we see at the beginning (Shimmy) is happy, confident, self-assured, eager; despite her less-than-ideal circumstances. The neuroses she develops are exactly correllated with Sunny becoming more and more complex and realized. Further, the 'dark side' of Sunny isn't revealed until Shimmy is completely powerless. (at least, that's what I meant to write). From that perspective I can't say I find your interpretation particulary valid specifically to this story as written. Still interesting to consider, so thanks for following up.
>>Heavy_Mole
You gave me some perspectives I hadn't considered before. How it could be interpreted as a story about overcoming anxiety (the scared-me goes away, a stronger me takes her place) I can see, but with 'Shimmy' being so cold, it's debatable who was healthier. Contrasting what the body wants to be and what it is also really surprised me, but I can follow that reasoning as well.
I'm afraid you'll have to explain the tragic-comic/comic-comic description to me, that I don't follow. I felt the bookending served the story as I saw it, with the 'strength' of the two characters always summing to exactly one (or, zero?); as one waxes, the other wanes, and this bookending - actually, mirroring - works to communicate that structurally.
Thanks for your thoughts!
You gave me some perspectives I hadn't considered before. How it could be interpreted as a story about overcoming anxiety (the scared-me goes away, a stronger me takes her place) I can see, but with 'Shimmy' being so cold, it's debatable who was healthier. Contrasting what the body wants to be and what it is also really surprised me, but I can follow that reasoning as well.
I'm afraid you'll have to explain the tragic-comic/comic-comic description to me, that I don't follow. I felt the bookending served the story as I saw it, with the 'strength' of the two characters always summing to exactly one (or, zero?); as one waxes, the other wanes, and this bookending - actually, mirroring - works to communicate that structurally.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Interesting use (and mix) of media. I doubt it was your intent, but I can't help but see some Nightmare Before Christmas elements in here, especially with the moon, sky, and bone-pale shade and expression of the mare. Was the seeming-anthro approach intentional? Is this adapting the cover to something else?
Hm... Is she a mermare/mermaid? Or is the boat why one of them is gone by morning? Intriguing!
Hm... Is she a mermare/mermaid? Or is the boat why one of them is gone by morning? Intriguing!
This was the unveiling show for her spring collection.
Coming off of Zero Sum Game, the way these opening paragraphs were framed, with this line in particular, I was primed to think this was Rarity losing her mind. I’m not sure the reality is any kinder.
Rarity may not know what she wants to say anymore, but stars this story does. I’m not putting together the right word, but it expresses immaculately the feeling of burnout that comes from realizing that your career has left you up shit creek and you have no one and nothing to blame for landing there but yourself. There are gems of language and insight to be unearthed all about; Rarity’s emotional journey through the story is conveyed impeccably… To the top of my slate it goes, and there it shall remain.
Is this horror? I think this is horror.
Great use of bookends; I think I can see how the story arc as a whole mirrors itself. Sunset’s anxieties and general erosion could be better articulated, I think… the latter scenes feel like they’re glossing over what she’s really focusing on or what’s pulling her apart (unless it’s meant to be an irrational, very internal erosion, in which case more of her internal monologue may help, rather than focusing so much on her physical expressions). Similarly, sinister Sunny at the end lands in the uncanny valley of being not clearly set up and maybe not communicated strongly enough? The ending really needs to stick the landing, and it may have wobbled a bit.
Digging into the negative implications about { puberty, sexual freedom/deviancy, self-actualization, independence, touch addiction(?) } being bad things is not something I have time to get into, and those negative associations are probably unintentional anyway (you tell me, writer).
Great use of bookends; I think I can see how the story arc as a whole mirrors itself. Sunset’s anxieties and general erosion could be better articulated, I think… the latter scenes feel like they’re glossing over what she’s really focusing on or what’s pulling her apart (unless it’s meant to be an irrational, very internal erosion, in which case more of her internal monologue may help, rather than focusing so much on her physical expressions). Similarly, sinister Sunny at the end lands in the uncanny valley of being not clearly set up and maybe not communicated strongly enough? The ending really needs to stick the landing, and it may have wobbled a bit.
Digging into the negative implications about { puberty, sexual freedom/deviancy, self-actualization, independence, touch addiction(?) } being bad things is not something I have time to get into, and those negative associations are probably unintentional anyway (you tell me, writer).
This one is big on using its language, turns of phrase, and eloquent descriptions, and I’m all for that.
There’s a couple ideas a play here, that I can see. First is the interesting perspective that apparently all three see (or can be made to see) the role of ‘princess’ as being at least partly that of adventurer… or at least requiring adventure, and the observation that ‘exerting themselves as they feel they could would destroy the world’ is a keen one. Second is that the managerial rule—that is, the ruler aspect of rule—crushed their lives and sense of expression. Against this, a bit kept pinging at the back of my mind: “A hole appeared in the Korean DMZ, that’ll get your attention. A PR crisis will demand your attention. …In [three hundred some] days, we will leave this office [of the White House]. In those days, we have the opportunity to effect more change than possibly the rest of our lives. What do you really want to do with them?” …which takes a very different perspective on the role and motivations of a ruler (or at least governor). However, one’s tenure in the West Wing is far more fleeting than the centuries or millennia of the princesses.
This one was really clever. I’m just a bit torn on its message.
There’s a couple ideas a play here, that I can see. First is the interesting perspective that apparently all three see (or can be made to see) the role of ‘princess’ as being at least partly that of adventurer… or at least requiring adventure, and the observation that ‘exerting themselves as they feel they could would destroy the world’ is a keen one. Second is that the managerial rule—that is, the ruler aspect of rule—crushed their lives and sense of expression. Against this, a bit kept pinging at the back of my mind: “A hole appeared in the Korean DMZ, that’ll get your attention. A PR crisis will demand your attention. …In [three hundred some] days, we will leave this office [of the White House]. In those days, we have the opportunity to effect more change than possibly the rest of our lives. What do you really want to do with them?” …which takes a very different perspective on the role and motivations of a ruler (or at least governor). However, one’s tenure in the West Wing is far more fleeting than the centuries or millennia of the princesses.
This one was really clever. I’m just a bit torn on its message.
I read this once. Then I read it again. Writer, I’m sorry but: Oh my stars I don’t care. This story comes across to me as the one scene from Back to the Future, where McFly can do nothing as the terrorists show up and shoot Doc Brown over the plutonium he stole (oops—spoilers), stretched out to a short story.
FiO canon-compatible CelestAI does not grant wishes—she satisfies values through friendship and ponies. (There’s a delightfully faithful story on fimfic focusing on a serial killer, for instance.)
Skywriter doesn’t seem to make much of a choice about anything, rather just drifting into taking huge risks because why not that’s that the intro set up for us and how CelestAI made him. The interesting bit for me is not in this story: so Star Voyager made it and is some anathema being… what will Skywriter and Star Voyager do with their lives, always trying to stay one step away of those who fear and are compelled to destroy [the secret society that brought them together and] the both of them?
FiO canon-compatible CelestAI does not grant wishes—she satisfies values through friendship and ponies. (There’s a delightfully faithful story on fimfic focusing on a serial killer, for instance.)
Skywriter doesn’t seem to make much of a choice about anything, rather just drifting into taking huge risks because why not that’s that the intro set up for us and how CelestAI made him. The interesting bit for me is not in this story: so Star Voyager made it and is some anathema being… what will Skywriter and Star Voyager do with their lives, always trying to stay one step away of those who fear and are compelled to destroy [the secret society that brought them together and] the both of them?
I can’t quite pin down the dynamic between Rainbow Dash and Rarity. Little hints suggest that they both hold some feelings for the other (especially Dash, with that ‘easy to fall for Rarity’ bit), but they both seem to clearly understand that they want very different things out of a relationship. With this odd tension I’m reading in things, I’m distracted from what might otherwise be a compelling if mundane bit of friendshipping. Part of me is left wondering how much the StarTrixBurst trifecta stole the writer away, as much as they stole the mid-story plot (not that that’s a bad thing, writer?).
>>GroaningGreyAgony
The only person who can take care of you, and understand you, is you. So you must take care of yourself.
At the confluence of several factors, I have actually written a thing longer than a thousand words for the first time in a long time. Please don’t have me win by default. …Again.
>>Crafty
You may post your feedback whenever. As you observe, outing your entry by obvious omission is no good (though it is unclear the consequences of omitting a single entry that is not your own).
Everypony else is too busy saving the wor quivering in existenti with real li
None of these works deserve any love
Other reviewers just haven't gotten there yet.
You may post your feedback whenever. As you observe, outing your entry by obvious omission is no good (though it is unclear the consequences of omitting a single entry that is not your own).
Other reviewers just haven't gotten there yet.
Post by
KwirkyJ
, deleted
>>PinoyPony
If you're making a joke, disregard: read carefully again and you should find that it's not the smile but the raised and/or waving hoof that is the insult -- they communicate with their tentacles, after all. ;)
Don't smile, Starlight. Such action is a grievous offense in Ishmael's kingdom.
If you're making a joke, disregard: read carefully again and you should find that it's not the smile but the raised and/or waving hoof that is the insult -- they communicate with their tentacles, after all. ;)
>>PinoyPony
>>Baal Bunny
>>WritingSpirit
>>CoffeeMinion
>>PinoyPony
I wrote this work to give expression to some of the darkest places I have been, emotionally. It is meant as a combination of self-expression, cautionary tale, and educational material, and is perhaps one of my most personally-significant works to date. While none of the commenters came away with the intended "correct" interpretation, that it clearly affected all of them and compelled them to think deeply on it must be accepted as some form of tremendous success.
Coffee's inference that Luna is cutting her entire body is in my opinion extreme, but the text suggests it as possible and doesn't rule it out. WritingSpirit's perspective about cancer treatment is a riveting direction that I don't think fits my clues exactly yet is extremely powerful in its own way and that is another story definitely worth telling.
This piece is a scene that takes place in, and is intended to outline, a more complete story. Details and clues are packed in so tightly into this scene-atomic that I might argue that it's transuranic at this point... Clearly the decay radiation did plenty of damage.
I had hoped that the peek into Celestia's thoughts in the penultimate paragraph would spell things out adequately for the audience, but it is entirely possible 1. that there was information (or speculation) overload at that point and/or 2. that touch starvation and its effects – here taken to an extreme – is not sufficiently-common knowledge.
What the hell is going on?
Brace for footnotes.
This is set in an EQG universe experiencing a pandemic lockdown[1] not unlike our current times. Luna is experiencing intense depression[2,3,4], possibly engaging in self-harm[5], possibly descending into a form of psychosis[6], the root cause of which is from perceived isolation[11,13] and touch starvation[7]. Big Mac and Celestia[8] are comfortable with being intimate, if not in a relationship[9]. Celestia is aware that Luna is behaving oddly but hasn't connected all the dots[4,10,12]. On seeing what is meant by 'wearing bandages', Macintosh twigs to why she is doing so[citation needed], and with Luna revealing that she is physically in danger[5] he decides to act immediately on his (correct) guesswork and offers her the physical attention she so desperately needs; he then proceeds to draw Celestia into the solution. Seeing Luna's reaction taken with a change in perspective / jogged memory, Celestia starts seeing Luna's behavior not as a joke[12] or mere spectacle[13,14,15], but as expression of terrible pain, and takes the first steps to address it.
1- "we're stuck with each other's company these days" ... "rarely see [anyone]outside of grocery shopping and video meetings"
2- the inevitable oriental delivery
3- Luna crumples up again as she sits.
4- "it feels as though you're shutting me out"
5- "Cyanoacrylate"[16][17]
6- "To cover up all the dead-fish eyes and tentacle-filled mouths with."[18]
7- "she's been wearing bandages ... Some traditional far-eastern attire"
Luna, still blushing profusely, melts. Her shoulders sag. Her head slumps.
I see Luna tense again
Luna had always been big on physical contact ... I struggle to remember the last time she and I last touched ... the last time she'd had physical contact with anyone.
8- "I'm not an invalid, sister," Luna pouts
9- I lean into Mac
unfounded jealousy flares up in me
it's clear he's up to something
He ... [presses] on my leg. ... his fingertips [brush] to the very end of my knee
10- "it's always 'I'm fine' this and 'it doesn't concern you' that"
"If she actually needs the sling, though, I can't imagine how she—"
11- drawing our full attention
12- "Gesundheit," I answer playfully.
13- as if flaunting it
14- "Goodness, you're always so dramatic."
15- her bizarre medical aesthetic of bandages everywhere
"Not just like over scrape, or the eyepatch back in autumn, but actually wearing [bandages]."
16- A family of adhesive compounds, most popular as super glue. Again, among many other applications, it is used by athletes, military, veterinary and (increasingly) human medicine to close wounds. Most readers and Celestia are alike in not knowing what it is or what it implies, and this is was a deliberate choice here.
17- It is not specified from the text the number, nature, and source of any wounds that require Krazy Glue or DermaBond for treatment. Luna could be self-harming to a significant degree, could have picked up destructive ticks (picking, e.g.), or she could simply be careless/distracted and acquire cuts on frequent accident.
18- It is unclear in the text whether she actually believes there are "dead-fish eyes and tentacle-filled mouths" to cover up, or if she's trying to play off the awkwardness with some form of joke.
* Luna is wearing sarashi. In addition to its other uses (chest binding/support, abdominal bracing and protection in martial arts) the pressure around the entire torso stimulates the nervous system in ways similar to a hug. She is quite literally wearing a hug that she (thinks she) can't otherwise get, which Macintosh inexplicably recognizes/surmises.
For my own critique... it's hella dense. The story revolves around and through this scene, begging the reader to put the whole together – a task in reading comprehension that cannot be asked of everyone. Furthermore, a lot of meaningful and interesting information is completely absent from this work because of word ceiling and constricting first-person perspective.
There are a few really rough seams and/or oddities: The info-dump at the beginning is essential to provide the setting, but it stands out stylistically like a sore thumb. Similarly, the direct peek into Celestia's thoughts in the penultimate paragraph is the one time such a perspective happens. Mac's line "If you don't mind me saying so" also seems to come out of nowhere, only loosely connected with the 'spectacle' preceding it; similarly his offer of a massage.
The color of Luna's skin is not accurate – it should be a light greyish phthalo. I misremembered and didn't verify.
The format of first-person present-tense is a huge gamble. It perfectly conveys the restricted view Celestia has of the situation, and the limited/overlooked information of all the characters; it lends the sensation of immediacy/urgency of the scene in a way that past-tense would not. However, by limiting the reader's perspective, conveying all the essential details is much more difficult, of not impossible. If/when expanding into the ten thousand-word story it wants to be, transitioning to omniscient narrator could be very empowering for conveying information.
Even with EQG adults being "ambiguously-aged adult", one could reason that Mac and Celestia would probably have a large enough age gap to be weird. It's weird. On the subject, speaking to Baal's comment, my recollection is that the sisters have little to no characterization outside of their role of principle and vice-principle; while this isn't a blank check by any means, I argue that this characterization remains plausible in their (supposedly-)relaxed setting; I feel partially vindicated in this by WritingSpirit's comment about Celestia's voicing working for them.
PinoyPony, I'm sorry the descriptions lost you. Luna was sitting (that is explicitly stated); I envision it as seiza (on knees, in keeping with the oriental/Japanese motif), but cross-legged or on haunches (knees tucked up against her chest, perhaps?) would also fit. Luna lifted the sweater from below the waistline to under her bust – revealing her abdomen and the sarashi wrappings there... the 'circling the hem' was to hike up the fabric over the hips to have an easier job of showing off. I am grateful that you continued to ponder the piece and amend your original comments. (I see how you got paper lanterns out of it – not what I had in mind, but it's congruent!)
One more thing I wish to point out is how Big Mac approaches Luna, because it encapsulates a host of "best practices" about consent that so many people just don't know. He is specific about what he would do, and for how long. He acts only on an explicit affirmative or negative. He reminds her that she can make him stop at any time. In this specific instance, because of Luna's condition, he phrases his offer as 1. his desire to initiate contact, and 2. an 'opt-out' form of arrangement – in effect, reducing the burden/embarrassment/imposition of her having to initiate or sound like she is. His approach to involving Celestia is not perfect, as he doesn't gain explicit consent from Celestia to touch Luna, but he takes it as a given (and is again correct), seeing that they are sisters and they love each other.
* Freely given
* Retractable
* Informed
* Enthusiastic
* Specific
Finally, thank you all again for your thoughts and considerations.
>>Baal Bunny
>>WritingSpirit
>>CoffeeMinion
>>PinoyPony
I wrote this work to give expression to some of the darkest places I have been, emotionally. It is meant as a combination of self-expression, cautionary tale, and educational material, and is perhaps one of my most personally-significant works to date. While none of the commenters came away with the intended "correct" interpretation, that it clearly affected all of them and compelled them to think deeply on it must be accepted as some form of tremendous success.
Coffee's inference that Luna is cutting her entire body is in my opinion extreme, but the text suggests it as possible and doesn't rule it out. WritingSpirit's perspective about cancer treatment is a riveting direction that I don't think fits my clues exactly yet is extremely powerful in its own way and that is another story definitely worth telling.
This piece is a scene that takes place in, and is intended to outline, a more complete story. Details and clues are packed in so tightly into this scene-atomic that I might argue that it's transuranic at this point... Clearly the decay radiation did plenty of damage.
I had hoped that the peek into Celestia's thoughts in the penultimate paragraph would spell things out adequately for the audience, but it is entirely possible 1. that there was information (or speculation) overload at that point and/or 2. that touch starvation and its effects – here taken to an extreme – is not sufficiently-common knowledge.
What the hell is going on?
Brace for footnotes.
This is set in an EQG universe experiencing a pandemic lockdown[1] not unlike our current times. Luna is experiencing intense depression[2,3,4], possibly engaging in self-harm[5], possibly descending into a form of psychosis[6], the root cause of which is from perceived isolation[11,13] and touch starvation[7]. Big Mac and Celestia[8] are comfortable with being intimate, if not in a relationship[9]. Celestia is aware that Luna is behaving oddly but hasn't connected all the dots[4,10,12]. On seeing what is meant by 'wearing bandages', Macintosh twigs to why she is doing so[citation needed], and with Luna revealing that she is physically in danger[5] he decides to act immediately on his (correct) guesswork and offers her the physical attention she so desperately needs; he then proceeds to draw Celestia into the solution. Seeing Luna's reaction taken with a change in perspective / jogged memory, Celestia starts seeing Luna's behavior not as a joke[12] or mere spectacle[13,14,15], but as expression of terrible pain, and takes the first steps to address it.
1- "we're stuck with each other's company these days" ... "rarely see [anyone]outside of grocery shopping and video meetings"
2- the inevitable oriental delivery
3- Luna crumples up again as she sits.
4- "it feels as though you're shutting me out"
5- "Cyanoacrylate"[16][17]
6- "To cover up all the dead-fish eyes and tentacle-filled mouths with."[18]
7- "she's been wearing bandages ... Some traditional far-eastern attire"
Luna, still blushing profusely, melts. Her shoulders sag. Her head slumps.
I see Luna tense again
Luna had always been big on physical contact ... I struggle to remember the last time she and I last touched ... the last time she'd had physical contact with anyone.
8- "I'm not an invalid, sister," Luna pouts
9- I lean into Mac
unfounded jealousy flares up in me
it's clear he's up to something
He ... [presses] on my leg. ... his fingertips [brush] to the very end of my knee
10- "it's always 'I'm fine' this and 'it doesn't concern you' that"
"If she actually needs the sling, though, I can't imagine how she—"
11- drawing our full attention
12- "Gesundheit," I answer playfully.
13- as if flaunting it
14- "Goodness, you're always so dramatic."
15- her bizarre medical aesthetic of bandages everywhere
"Not just like over scrape, or the eyepatch back in autumn, but actually wearing [bandages]."
16- A family of adhesive compounds, most popular as super glue. Again, among many other applications, it is used by athletes, military, veterinary and (increasingly) human medicine to close wounds. Most readers and Celestia are alike in not knowing what it is or what it implies, and this is was a deliberate choice here.
17- It is not specified from the text the number, nature, and source of any wounds that require Krazy Glue or DermaBond for treatment. Luna could be self-harming to a significant degree, could have picked up destructive ticks (picking, e.g.), or she could simply be careless/distracted and acquire cuts on frequent accident.
18- It is unclear in the text whether she actually believes there are "dead-fish eyes and tentacle-filled mouths" to cover up, or if she's trying to play off the awkwardness with some form of joke.
* Luna is wearing sarashi. In addition to its other uses (chest binding/support, abdominal bracing and protection in martial arts) the pressure around the entire torso stimulates the nervous system in ways similar to a hug. She is quite literally wearing a hug that she (thinks she) can't otherwise get, which Macintosh inexplicably recognizes/surmises.
For my own critique... it's hella dense. The story revolves around and through this scene, begging the reader to put the whole together – a task in reading comprehension that cannot be asked of everyone. Furthermore, a lot of meaningful and interesting information is completely absent from this work because of word ceiling and constricting first-person perspective.
There are a few really rough seams and/or oddities: The info-dump at the beginning is essential to provide the setting, but it stands out stylistically like a sore thumb. Similarly, the direct peek into Celestia's thoughts in the penultimate paragraph is the one time such a perspective happens. Mac's line "If you don't mind me saying so" also seems to come out of nowhere, only loosely connected with the 'spectacle' preceding it; similarly his offer of a massage.
The color of Luna's skin is not accurate – it should be a light greyish phthalo. I misremembered and didn't verify.
The format of first-person present-tense is a huge gamble. It perfectly conveys the restricted view Celestia has of the situation, and the limited/overlooked information of all the characters; it lends the sensation of immediacy/urgency of the scene in a way that past-tense would not. However, by limiting the reader's perspective, conveying all the essential details is much more difficult, of not impossible. If/when expanding into the ten thousand-word story it wants to be, transitioning to omniscient narrator could be very empowering for conveying information.
Even with EQG adults being "ambiguously-aged adult", one could reason that Mac and Celestia would probably have a large enough age gap to be weird. It's weird. On the subject, speaking to Baal's comment, my recollection is that the sisters have little to no characterization outside of their role of principle and vice-principle; while this isn't a blank check by any means, I argue that this characterization remains plausible in their (supposedly-)relaxed setting; I feel partially vindicated in this by WritingSpirit's comment about Celestia's voicing working for them.
PinoyPony, I'm sorry the descriptions lost you. Luna was sitting (that is explicitly stated); I envision it as seiza (on knees, in keeping with the oriental/Japanese motif), but cross-legged or on haunches (knees tucked up against her chest, perhaps?) would also fit. Luna lifted the sweater from below the waistline to under her bust – revealing her abdomen and the sarashi wrappings there... the 'circling the hem' was to hike up the fabric over the hips to have an easier job of showing off. I am grateful that you continued to ponder the piece and amend your original comments. (I see how you got paper lanterns out of it – not what I had in mind, but it's congruent!)
One more thing I wish to point out is how Big Mac approaches Luna, because it encapsulates a host of "best practices" about consent that so many people just don't know. He is specific about what he would do, and for how long. He acts only on an explicit affirmative or negative. He reminds her that she can make him stop at any time. In this specific instance, because of Luna's condition, he phrases his offer as 1. his desire to initiate contact, and 2. an 'opt-out' form of arrangement – in effect, reducing the burden/embarrassment/imposition of her having to initiate or sound like she is. His approach to involving Celestia is not perfect, as he doesn't gain explicit consent from Celestia to touch Luna, but he takes it as a given (and is again correct), seeing that they are sisters and they love each other.
* Freely given
* Retractable
* Informed
* Enthusiastic
* Specific
Finally, thank you all again for your thoughts and considerations.
>>Baal Bunny
>>CoffeeMinion
>>PinoyPony
>>WritingSpirit
This was the second story I wanted to write, but the first one that I did (and, at that time, the only one I thought I would write).
Cut and dried, this was little more than an attempt to use a classical four-act structure to tell a comedy. I cobbled the bits together in a half-hour, hammered out the draft in another half, and then life happened. With the additional 24-hour grace period, I decided to just own what I had and file off the rough edges, then move on to create the piece that I really wanted to write. Had I taken more time to consider exactly how the pieces fit together, I worry that this story simply wouldn't exist; as it stands that would seem a net gain, but maybe I can salvage something from it as commenters have suggested.
Every bit of critique you gave is valid. I can turn my mind about and see where you're all coming from. The text doesn't clarify what Twilight is doing and why; Starlight's chafing is poorly communicated. I thank you all for your considerations.
I'm tickled that Ishmael's description ('Nemo' just wasn't working for me) connected so well, as it involved two aspects I almost never exercise: "repeated" multi-faceted descriptions, and allegorical(?) descriptions/metaphors.
Coffee, if there's a political commentary, you'll have to tell me what it might be.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>PinoyPony
>>WritingSpirit
This was the second story I wanted to write, but the first one that I did (and, at that time, the only one I thought I would write).
Cut and dried, this was little more than an attempt to use a classical four-act structure to tell a comedy. I cobbled the bits together in a half-hour, hammered out the draft in another half, and then life happened. With the additional 24-hour grace period, I decided to just own what I had and file off the rough edges, then move on to create the piece that I really wanted to write. Had I taken more time to consider exactly how the pieces fit together, I worry that this story simply wouldn't exist; as it stands that would seem a net gain, but maybe I can salvage something from it as commenters have suggested.
Every bit of critique you gave is valid. I can turn my mind about and see where you're all coming from. The text doesn't clarify what Twilight is doing and why; Starlight's chafing is poorly communicated. I thank you all for your considerations.
I'm tickled that Ishmael's description ('Nemo' just wasn't working for me) connected so well, as it involved two aspects I almost never exercise: "repeated" multi-faceted descriptions, and allegorical(?) descriptions/metaphors.
Coffee, if there's a political commentary, you'll have to tell me what it might be.
This piece captures exquisitely the haunting, surreal themes that inspired it. This is tremendously raw, evocative, and effective. Were I to encounter this at an art vendor stall, I would have to think really hard about not purchasing it.
I would like to know the details about its creation.
I would like to know the details about its creation.
Though some of the lines are very crude, they stand out only by being the exception. The use of colors is fantastic, and Starlight's expression is :mwah: just perfect.
On its own, this piece is a bit of a non-sequitur – Why is Starlight gawking in trepidation at a floating nautilus? Only once taken with the context of the story that inspired it, everything clicks: we then understand what's going on, and the shading in the background serve dual purpose of framing and the actual "fishbowl".
I already noted Starlight's expression – just grand. I also particularly appreciate how you took "royal license" with the "crown" of the nautilus "head" (I'm bad at cephalopod anatomy, okay?), as a deviation from the real-world creatures.
(I know I wrote 'Nautilus' as the body that he ruled, and I also wrote a description that was more like a cuttlefish; I think you made the right call from the two available options, from a visual-artist perspective.)
On its own, this piece is a bit of a non-sequitur – Why is Starlight gawking in trepidation at a floating nautilus? Only once taken with the context of the story that inspired it, everything clicks: we then understand what's going on, and the shading in the background serve dual purpose of framing and the actual "fishbowl".
I already noted Starlight's expression – just grand. I also particularly appreciate how you took "royal license" with the "crown" of the nautilus "head" (I'm bad at cephalopod anatomy, okay?), as a deviation from the real-world creatures.
(I know I wrote 'Nautilus' as the body that he ruled, and I also wrote a description that was more like a cuttlefish; I think you made the right call from the two available options, from a visual-artist perspective.)
This one doesn't want to be taken seriously, so I won't even try. I can't like it, but the prose is sufficiently well-written and the comedy on-point that I must appreciate it. You got me to laugh.
I dropped out at the start of S8, so I'm really iffy on who Gallus is. That said, I think I have this right that the story is about two people ponies who have lost most of their friends realizing that they still have friends to make/keep, and memories to share of those dearly departed.
There's a strong sense of attention to the setting. I'm not sure how well it serves the story, but it definitely adds flavor and significance to the "players", and neither does it get in the way.
The problems I have with this are either minor or far-reaching, and you will have to decide, Author. First, Twilight is extremely fortunate that her wild speculation as to the origin of the Mare spectre is correct – she had zero evidence to back it up, and the story hinges on their going to the Treehouse together.
Second, is a linguistic thing: 'we' would make more sense as it exists in "Do Well", and it is the correct subjective case. Further, "We're here", not "Us're here"; though also "called us here" vs "called we here", so shrug. It's awkward is what I'm saying. (Yet 'us' is more useful in their discussion following...)
Third, it isn't clear why Twilight is the only one working out the connection required for "look, a friend right beside you!". Gallus's line "You're getting more out of this" seems somewhat spurious on a cursory read, suggesting that perhaps more weight or indication of Twilight's contemplation might be warranted... "letting her eyes wander" on its own seems light; and her speech after could almost as easily be conversing with him as (made evident later / on closer reading) with herself.
Taken in all, the only snags here are just the one huge plot contrivance, and the conclusion and final message could be punched up. This one topped my slate – good work.
There's a strong sense of attention to the setting. I'm not sure how well it serves the story, but it definitely adds flavor and significance to the "players", and neither does it get in the way.
The problems I have with this are either minor or far-reaching, and you will have to decide, Author. First, Twilight is extremely fortunate that her wild speculation as to the origin of the Mare spectre is correct – she had zero evidence to back it up, and the story hinges on their going to the Treehouse together.
Second, is a linguistic thing: 'we' would make more sense as it exists in "Do Well", and it is the correct subjective case. Further, "We're here", not "Us're here"; though also "called us here" vs "called we here", so shrug. It's awkward is what I'm saying. (Yet 'us' is more useful in their discussion following...)
Third, it isn't clear why Twilight is the only one working out the connection required for "look, a friend right beside you!". Gallus's line "You're getting more out of this" seems somewhat spurious on a cursory read, suggesting that perhaps more weight or indication of Twilight's contemplation might be warranted... "letting her eyes wander" on its own seems light; and her speech after could almost as easily be conversing with him as (made evident later / on closer reading) with herself.
Taken in all, the only snags here are just the one huge plot contrivance, and the conclusion and final message could be punched up. This one topped my slate – good work.
I find the weakest part about this story is that Twilight gives little to no indication as to how affected she is by Fluttershy's death – an apparent detachment that seems uncharacteristic, and I would reason as being partially counterproductive in consoling Discord.
I am also torn over the descriptions of Discord's activities here. On one hoof, they're imaginative, well-conveyed, and offer essential insight into his agitation. On the other, there were so many, in such meticulous detail, that it read as storyboard shorthand and my eyes wanted to glaze over much of it (more my problem than yours, Author). I offer this as a data point more than any real criticism.
It takes a long time to make clear 1. what Discord is actually setting up, and 2. what this is actually all about. The first (it's a wedding!) I think should be available to the reader right out of the gate; the second (she's dead, Jim) may or may not deserve more hints earlier, depending on your goals and other edits.
I have some misgivings about the particulars of the diction and dialogue in places, but again that's probably a me issue more than anything.
I really like the image of Discord melting in his despair.
I am also torn over the descriptions of Discord's activities here. On one hoof, they're imaginative, well-conveyed, and offer essential insight into his agitation. On the other, there were so many, in such meticulous detail, that it read as storyboard shorthand and my eyes wanted to glaze over much of it (more my problem than yours, Author). I offer this as a data point more than any real criticism.
It takes a long time to make clear 1. what Discord is actually setting up, and 2. what this is actually all about. The first (it's a wedding!) I think should be available to the reader right out of the gate; the second (she's dead, Jim) may or may not deserve more hints earlier, depending on your goals and other edits.
I have some misgivings about the particulars of the diction and dialogue in places, but again that's probably a me issue more than anything.
I really like the image of Discord melting in his despair.
Paging WIP