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>>eusocialdragon
If one ignores their imaginary friend, they will go away. That's what happened to Minstrel's.
If one ignores their imaginary friend, they will go away. That's what happened to Minstrel's.
So, I think what would help balance this story out a bit would be if the first section were shorter. It kinda goes around in circles as it is. Not terribly so, mind you, but it can safely be trimmed away without losing too much.
My big question here is, what did Princess Luna do that makes her to blame? If it were simply a guard dying in the line of duty, wouldn't both Princesses be to blame?
As a side note, one of the many things I enjoyed was how the timeskip was revealed. It's like,
My big question here is, what did Princess Luna do that makes her to blame? If it were simply a guard dying in the line of duty, wouldn't both Princesses be to blame?
As a side note, one of the many things I enjoyed was how the timeskip was revealed. It's like,
Celestia: "Luna, that was thousands of years ago."
Luna: "Really? Feels like just yesterday."
Limestone's hostility feels rather unwarranted. In Hearthbreakers, she doesn't seem to foster any resentment for Pinkie Pie. Limestone is certainly a... grumpy pony, but it doesn't feel like Pinkie is a particular target.
But let's allow that this is a filly lashing out. Claiming that Pinkie Pie "never liked them" also feels unsupported. In Cutie Mark Chronicles, Pinkie Pie goes through the trouble of throwing a party for her family (sisters included), and everypony has a great time together. This story almost certainly takes place after these events, given that Pinkie is described as "overflowing with spirit and joy".
In the end, it feels like Limestone has been characterized as hostile simply for the sake of being hostile. If she means the things she says, then it seems unjustified. And if she's just saying these things to mask how she truly feels, then it needs to be a bit more apparent. As it is, it feels pretty genuine.
But let's allow that this is a filly lashing out. Claiming that Pinkie Pie "never liked them" also feels unsupported. In Cutie Mark Chronicles, Pinkie Pie goes through the trouble of throwing a party for her family (sisters included), and everypony has a great time together. This story almost certainly takes place after these events, given that Pinkie is described as "overflowing with spirit and joy".
In the end, it feels like Limestone has been characterized as hostile simply for the sake of being hostile. If she means the things she says, then it seems unjustified. And if she's just saying these things to mask how she truly feels, then it needs to be a bit more apparent. As it is, it feels pretty genuine.
Twilight squared her shoulders. “As long as I have a dictionary to look up any words I don’t know, I can read anything.”
Okay, I loved this bit. This is an excellent piece of characterization for filly-Twilight, and it's adorable, too.
On a more serious note, my takeaway from the ending is that Princess Celestia wants to ignore these motherly impulses she's having around Twilight. This leads me to two conclusions: mentioning Princess Luna muddies this idea, and that Princess Celestia is worried about coddling her. If the second point is correct, then Princess Luna actually needs a little more attention. Princess Celestia needs to wrestle with the consequences of coddling Twilight, knowing the trials her student will someday face.
Point is, Princess Celestia is struggling with her emotions at the end of this story. Take the next logical step and illustrate why she's struggling with them and how much of a struggle it is.
Complete uncontrollable wrath is what they possessed.
Just a note, real quick: this is what's known as "passive voice," and it's generally advised not to use it.
>>CoffeeMinion
What's this I hear about cute things? Something cute appeared and no one brought it to my attention?
Edit: Oh, now I see it.
What's this I hear about cute things? Something cute appeared and no one brought it to my attention?
Edit: Oh, now I see it.
So, Sunset Shimmer is actually from over a thousand years in the past, but travelling to the world of Equestria Girls thrust her into what we know as the present, just like it did with the Dazzlings.
Okay, cool.
As others have mentioned, the fact that whatever Princess Celestia was up to before Sunset's arrival is never revisited is a glaring issue, but other than that, I found this to be quite enjoyable. Unless there's some significance that we're missing or has simply been misplaced, I'd suggesting doing away with that part entirely and focusing on the story presented here. I'd definitely find it to be a worthwhile read.
Okay, cool.
As others have mentioned, the fact that whatever Princess Celestia was up to before Sunset's arrival is never revisited is a glaring issue, but other than that, I found this to be quite enjoyable. Unless there's some significance that we're missing or has simply been misplaced, I'd suggesting doing away with that part entirely and focusing on the story presented here. I'd definitely find it to be a worthwhile read.
I'm just going to say this since no one else has:
I love your filly-Pinkie Pie. She was great and cute and amazing and...
Anyway, it'd be great to see this expanded so the story can grow, and because it'd likely mean we'd get more of your filly-Pinkie Pie.
I love your filly-Pinkie Pie. She was great and cute and amazing and...
Anyway, it'd be great to see this expanded so the story can grow, and because it'd likely mean we'd get more of your filly-Pinkie Pie.
She is allowed to touch Holder’s Boulder.
Suspension of disbelief has been broken. Sorry, that's too unrealistic.
In all, this was amusing.
For the first time in quite a while, I am in, and I am so glad to be able to say that.
It feels so good to have written something again.
It feels so good to have written something again.
>>ZaidValRoa
Perhaps, rather than rid yourself of so much, you could keep it for publication?
If you want it to be part of the writeoff, I'd at least recommend not permanently deleting those additional words. Keep them for reference.
Perhaps, rather than rid yourself of so much, you could keep it for publication?
If you want it to be part of the writeoff, I'd at least recommend not permanently deleting those additional words. Keep them for reference.
There's a lot going on here. A little too much for a minific, unfortunately.
Still, it was an intriguing read. I encourage you to expand this and explore the ideas here. I particularly like the idea of dream-espionage and measures taken to try and counter it. The idea of Moondancer being the group's "leader" also catches my interest.
So, again, expand on this. It definitely deserves it.
Still, it was an intriguing read. I encourage you to expand this and explore the ideas here. I particularly like the idea of dream-espionage and measures taken to try and counter it. The idea of Moondancer being the group's "leader" also catches my interest.
So, again, expand on this. It definitely deserves it.
I like this a lot.
This story makes excellent use of the word-limit. It manages to emphasize a feeling of loneliness without overdoing it (which is very easy to do). There was a nice progression for our protagonist. And of course, the ending is crafted very well.
Nice work. Thank you for writing.
This story makes excellent use of the word-limit. It manages to emphasize a feeling of loneliness without overdoing it (which is very easy to do). There was a nice progression for our protagonist. And of course, the ending is crafted very well.
Nice work. Thank you for writing.
Upon completion of Chapter One: "Uh, what?"
Chapter Two: "Okay, I think I understand what's going on here..."
Chapter Three: "Um, maybe not."
Well, I finished, and somehow I ended up more confused than before. I detect elements of irony and satire, but... what was the point of this?
I suppose if there's anything for me to say, it's that Pinkie Pie's chapter was the my favorite.
Chapter Two: "Okay, I think I understand what's going on here..."
Chapter Three: "Um, maybe not."
Well, I finished, and somehow I ended up more confused than before. I detect elements of irony and satire, but... what was the point of this?
I suppose if there's anything for me to say, it's that Pinkie Pie's chapter was the my favorite.
Well, little filly-Twilight always gets a smile from me. This is no exception.
There are a lot of nuanced things to appreciate here--little pieces of characterization that really enhance the story.
I really expected a greater significance to the "Yes, your highness" line. I thought he'd end up repeating the line to Flurry Heart. This would mean he's the type of father who would spoil his daughter, just like how he's apparently the type of brother to spoil his sister.
In any case, I enjoyed this. The writing flowed well, overall, though I feel like the beginning drags for a little too long. Like I said, my favorite parts are the little bits of characterization for Shining Armor and Twilight.
There are a lot of nuanced things to appreciate here--little pieces of characterization that really enhance the story.
I really expected a greater significance to the "Yes, your highness" line. I thought he'd end up repeating the line to Flurry Heart. This would mean he's the type of father who would spoil his daughter, just like how he's apparently the type of brother to spoil his sister.
In any case, I enjoyed this. The writing flowed well, overall, though I feel like the beginning drags for a little too long. Like I said, my favorite parts are the little bits of characterization for Shining Armor and Twilight.
Paging WIP