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The Circle and the Cross Retrospective
Hey, so, I've been meaning to do this for almost a week, but despite the Coronavirus closing everything, I've been kept really busy with my work. Turns out that when you're a teacher and your school's not set up for e-learning, a sudden shift to "actually, why don't you all go figure out how to teach your classes online now, kay?" comes with some hiccups. Who knew?
Anyway, this story! I actually started with a completely different idea for this event, but after I wrote 3000-odd words of it and slept on it, I realized it was a wandering, pointless thing, and started over. My second idea I got about 1200 words into before I came to the sad conclusion that I had kind of a fun gimmick, but not actually a story. So I trashed that, too.
This was attempt number three.
As I said in my dummy review, I felt like the biggest weakness here was that it was a x-is-a-changeling fic, at its core: Rarity isn't a pony, reveals she isn't a pony, her friends are some degree of welcoming/understanding, the end. The fact that there's a 5000-word bait-and-switch at the start, where it looks like the mystery is something else entirely, doesn't really change that fact, IMO. Still, lots of people like those stories, even if they have been done to death! Maybe that's something. I dunno, I'm honestly still deciding how I feel about this fic. If nothing else, it was fun to write Rarity this way (even if I didn't nail her voice everywhere), and to see how much I could cover up with her narrative style.
On to specific replies:
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you! Nice to hear that landed.
>>Baal Bunny
I had the idea when I was writing this story that the protagonist's identity could be a sort of "opening mystery" to get the reader drawn in. With the benefit of hindsight, I'm not seeing a lot of value to that, though, so... yeah, you're right. I'll make it clear earlier if I put this on FiMFic, or if nothing else, use the story's description to give the reader that much.
>>Chris
ur dum :P
>>Comma Typer
Glad you liked it! Very glad you and others didn't think the distractions were too cheap; I was worried about that, but it sounds like I hit a reasonably good balance.
>>Bachiavellian
See, these were the kind of concerns I was expecting more of in the reviews. I agree that the core of this fic isn't particularly original, but the big problem I'm beating my head against is that the things you're suggesting to build out (how this works logically, family relations, etc.) lean into the least original parts of the story! So I'm worried that following those threads just makes this more of an x-is-a-changeling fic, if you get me. I dunno, I'm still thinking about it. Glad you mostly liked the narration though, and if I find a way to beat this into shape, I'll definitely be cognizant of the blocks of description!
>>Rao
If you really want to know who: the rest are all ponies. The flash is Twilight casting a disintegration spell on the evil monster, and the fic ends with Rarity's death, the last thing she ever sees a flash of light from Twilight's horn.
Okay, that's probably not it. Glad I could get your juices flowing, though, and thanks for the comments!
Hey, so, I've been meaning to do this for almost a week, but despite the Coronavirus closing everything, I've been kept really busy with my work. Turns out that when you're a teacher and your school's not set up for e-learning, a sudden shift to "actually, why don't you all go figure out how to teach your classes online now, kay?" comes with some hiccups. Who knew?
Anyway, this story! I actually started with a completely different idea for this event, but after I wrote 3000-odd words of it and slept on it, I realized it was a wandering, pointless thing, and started over. My second idea I got about 1200 words into before I came to the sad conclusion that I had kind of a fun gimmick, but not actually a story. So I trashed that, too.
This was attempt number three.
As I said in my dummy review, I felt like the biggest weakness here was that it was a x-is-a-changeling fic, at its core: Rarity isn't a pony, reveals she isn't a pony, her friends are some degree of welcoming/understanding, the end. The fact that there's a 5000-word bait-and-switch at the start, where it looks like the mystery is something else entirely, doesn't really change that fact, IMO. Still, lots of people like those stories, even if they have been done to death! Maybe that's something. I dunno, I'm honestly still deciding how I feel about this fic. If nothing else, it was fun to write Rarity this way (even if I didn't nail her voice everywhere), and to see how much I could cover up with her narrative style.
On to specific replies:
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you! Nice to hear that landed.
>>Baal Bunny
I had the idea when I was writing this story that the protagonist's identity could be a sort of "opening mystery" to get the reader drawn in. With the benefit of hindsight, I'm not seeing a lot of value to that, though, so... yeah, you're right. I'll make it clear earlier if I put this on FiMFic, or if nothing else, use the story's description to give the reader that much.
>>Chris
ur dum :P
>>Comma Typer
Glad you liked it! Very glad you and others didn't think the distractions were too cheap; I was worried about that, but it sounds like I hit a reasonably good balance.
>>Bachiavellian
See, these were the kind of concerns I was expecting more of in the reviews. I agree that the core of this fic isn't particularly original, but the big problem I'm beating my head against is that the things you're suggesting to build out (how this works logically, family relations, etc.) lean into the least original parts of the story! So I'm worried that following those threads just makes this more of an x-is-a-changeling fic, if you get me. I dunno, I'm still thinking about it. Glad you mostly liked the narration though, and if I find a way to beat this into shape, I'll definitely be cognizant of the blocks of description!
>>Rao
If you really want to know who: the rest are all ponies. The flash is Twilight casting a disintegration spell on the evil monster, and the fic ends with Rarity's death, the last thing she ever sees a flash of light from Twilight's horn.
Okay, that's probably not it. Glad I could get your juices flowing, though, and thanks for the comments!
So, I’m all done reviewing/ranking/author guessing now! But I thought I’d do one more thing, here.
See, I’m a big believer in the importance of beginnings and endings. A good first line hooks the reader right into your world, and sets them up for what’s to come. A good last line cements a story in the reader’s mind, and ensures they won’t forget your fic ten minutes after they’ve read it. So I’m gonna go through every story’s opening sentence or three (as decided by me, what constitutes the “first line”), and their closing sentence or three (ditto), and tell you what I think of them. I’ll spoiler-text the last last lines, and anything else that feels spoilery, and we’ll see what I have to say. As with my regular reviews, feel free to disagree and/or ignore; openings and closings can be such personal things, that peoples' opinions are bound to differ.
So, in the order I reviewed them:
Well It Starts As A Joke…
It's very catchy and hook-y, but I don't know that it sets up the tone or narrator well. Because Scootaloo's voicing is all over the place in the fic, this isn't able to "set" her voice for me. And since it doesn't sound like Scoots from the show, it doesn't build character right away. If Scoots' voicing was more consistent throughout your fic (something for when you edit!), this would be a lot stronger, but even now, it's got a lot going for it in the drag-the-reader-in category.
I didn't remember this was how the fic ended until I re-read it just now, so, not a great sign for memorability there :( Problem is, you've got one nice joke in the reveal that Scoot's isn't talking to the Pink Pony we might guess she is, but that doesn't have much to do with the plot, it doesn't tie anything together (how they got the bottle was such a tangential bit to begin with), and then the bean joke and the nothingburger of a last word just do nothing. If you made Ruby more important to the story, you could still end on that note with this kind of structure, but I'd definitely rethink the content of this closer, if I was you.
Daring Do and the Greatest Adventure
The significance of those last two lines is lost on the reader at the time, most likely, but they'll pay dividends in a bit. That's mostly how I'd describe this opening; it doesn't draw me in, but it feels very appropriate in hindsight. In that sense, you're setting up the reader well, but maybe not hooking them as strongly as you could.
I love that reveal, and how it takes some of the sting out of Daring's decision. She still has to give up some things, but not everything, you know? And of course, it's sweet in the same way the rest of the fic is. Good thematic reinforcement, while offering juuust enough of a twist to feel playful.
Kill All Bugs
The first quote does some nice work; it sets up the pastiche and preps us for changelings. But the actual content feels strangely irrelevant? If this story was in some way about the importance of generalization, or if there was something in your backstory/setup that made the weakness of a non-hybridized army a point, I'd get it more. Here, it feels like you just picked it because it was from the right book and had the right animal, which is pretty surface-level; whether it's adaptring the story to the quote or finding a better quote for the story, I wonder if you can make this set up your fic even better.
Great whammy line, and closing on the prompt is never a terrible idea. The only question I have with it is that it feels so anti-war in a story that doesn't really have any anti-war themes (or pro-war, particularly. Like I said in my review, theme this baby up!). This whole story is about a raid on a semi-neutral third party for purely political purposes. That Moondancer died fighting someone at least two, maybe three degrees separated from Equestria's war, all because someone upstairs thought it might help with negotiations, is much more Forever War than it is Starship Troopers. And if that's where this story ends up going, that's an amazing ending. But if you aren't going for anti-war-from-ground-level, then this isn't the way to finish out. All depends on what you see this story as meaning, really.
The Lizard of Ot
My only problem with this is that ("unshaven" notwithstanding"), those first two words feel like one of the FlimFlam brothers talking. Love Spike's response though, and love the humor of the narration; it sets up the kind of humor you gird the story with well.
This would be a stronger ending if we'd built up at all to Spike being "always on." That's something you could work into the story in a couple of places with minimal effort when you edit; I'd definitely consider setting up how Twi's promotion keeps him busy with this sort of thing. Other than that, this does feel anticlimactic because of how quickly the story resolves ahead of it, but like I said in my review, I also think that's appropriate to the story you're telling.
Belshazzar
I can't tell if the lack of period is deliberate, to create more of a stream-of-consciousness feel, or if it's just an accident. Since you don't seem to do it elsewhere, it leads me to suspect the latter (and if not, the failure to do it elsewhere still makes it a bad idea IMO). Either way, as an opening, it doesn't tell me what to expect, which I tend to feel is not the way to start a fic-opening dream sequence. I'd rather you gave me something more solid, then subverted it; that lets me know that things aren't as they seem while still hooking me in, instead of having me open by questioning whether you're doing this because you're clever or because you're a bad writer.
To be clear, you're not a bad writer :) All I'm saying is, don't let your opening give me an excuse to wonder if you are!
I hesitate to say too much about this ending, because the fact that it doesn't pack much punch to me is mostly to do with the rest of the story, rather than the ending itself. You're closing on potentially tragic imagery, but you just gave me 8000 other words of potentially tragic imagery, most of which was imaginary, and that weakens this ending. And because your writing style doesn't change, you end up implying by construction that everything after Twi wakes up is also imaginary, Inception-style, which takes even more of the punch out of it. In a slightly different context, this could be deliciously tragic, but right now, it's overwhelmed by what comes before. So that's where I'd start tinkering, not here.
The Circle and the Cross
As I said in my review, super meta. I like it, but I also wonder if it's a good setup for your fic, which is mostly drama, when it leads the reader to expect something more silly. Also, this probably won't land so well outside of a contest context; something to consider when you're editing this for elewhere.
Syrupy-sweet, as you no doubt intended. After all that suspense, it feels good to end on something wholesome. I wish you told us who and what, but that's a wish you're absolutely right not to grant, so... yeah! A pleasant way to end, that ties right back into the prompt.
Wotchmen
See, that's just funny, and I love it. Doesn't tell us much about the setting or plot, no, but it's very hook-y, and clever in a way that's immediately appreciable. Plus, it does set up the tone, albeit in ways that aren't immediately obvious. I like this one.
As I alluded to in my review, this would be a lot stronger if it had anything to do with Ot, since we were just introduced to the idea that Ot needs a friend and all. But instead, it feels to me like it's applying the right lesson in the wrong place, so to speak. Poly feeling uncertain about her friend-level based on her backstor is something you only really started setting up a few paragraphs beforehand; addressing that at the end doesn't feel like a resolution to either the emotional or the event-level stuff this fic was all about.
Overtime
Never a bad idea to start with an open-ended question. It basically forces the reader on for a couple more paragraphs, which gives you time to introduce a character or event and give me something to care about. It's a pretty generic opening, but that doesn't mean it's not perfectly fine for what it is. This is a solid single, rather than a homerun, but there's a lot of value to hitting a single when you're leading off.
It's a nice, jokey line to end on after the higher drama of the standoff, so tone-wise this is good. The fact that it calls back to her not getting paid makes it almost feel like that's an important plot point instead of a throwaway, though, and if it's an important plot point then I admit that that sailed right over my head. Readers assume that whatever you're ending on carries particular weight, even if you don't necessarily mean for it to!
Obsolete Thaumatology
It's 99% great, so I'm only going to mention the one part I'd change; "Uh," sounds to me like a "duh" opening, i.e. casual insulting. I feel like SS should be more prickly/bristly, or at least less casual, based on the rest of your fic. It's tough to communicate tone in your very first words, so I'd play around with that if I were you. But beyond that, nice little bit of conversational humor to open on!
I already said everything I had to say about the last line in my review, so... go re-read that, I guess!
The Odd Testament
It's a great opening... as long as the tone of your fic stays irreverent and crass (ties in with my "this'd be a great minific" thoughts, FWIW). It sets a tone immediately, and the internal contrast between biblical and swearing may be shooting fish in a barrel, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work!
By contrast, I feel this isn't nearly as strong as your first line, because setting up Satan as a chess-master-y manipulator doesn't match what you've been doing with most of the rest of the fic. It doesn't have a lot of payoff; though you could read that ending as a joke, the more serious way you've portrayed him makes it feel almost serious--at least, in contrast to the rest of the fic, and that's what matters. I've already talked about where I'd end the story, but regardless, I think you want to close on a "incompetent deities +curse words" note, because that's your schtick here.
See, I’m a big believer in the importance of beginnings and endings. A good first line hooks the reader right into your world, and sets them up for what’s to come. A good last line cements a story in the reader’s mind, and ensures they won’t forget your fic ten minutes after they’ve read it. So I’m gonna go through every story’s opening sentence or three (as decided by me, what constitutes the “first line”), and their closing sentence or three (ditto), and tell you what I think of them. I’ll spoiler-text the last last lines, and anything else that feels spoilery, and we’ll see what I have to say. As with my regular reviews, feel free to disagree and/or ignore; openings and closings can be such personal things, that peoples' opinions are bound to differ.
So, in the order I reviewed them:
Well It Starts As A Joke…
Right, so this is the story of that one time me and the girls got absolutely clobbered.
It's very catchy and hook-y, but I don't know that it sets up the tone or narrator well. Because Scootaloo's voicing is all over the place in the fic, this isn't able to "set" her voice for me. And since it doesn't sound like Scoots from the show, it doesn't build character right away. If Scoots' voicing was more consistent throughout your fic (something for when you edit!), this would be a lot stronger, but even now, it's got a lot going for it in the drag-the-reader-in category.
“And that,” she said to the snoring mare next to her, “is why I’m in your house Ms. Punch.” She shifted slightly, getting comfortable. “And why I owe your daughter a kidney.”
She frowned, glancing up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Not sure why she wants one bean so bad but, well,” she shrugs and closes her eyes.
“Whatever.”
I didn't remember this was how the fic ended until I re-read it just now, so, not a great sign for memorability there :( Problem is, you've got one nice joke in the reveal that Scoot's isn't talking to the Pink Pony we might guess she is, but that doesn't have much to do with the plot, it doesn't tie anything together (how they got the bottle was such a tangential bit to begin with), and then the bean joke and the nothingburger of a last word just do nothing. If you made Ruby more important to the story, you could still end on that note with this kind of structure, but I'd definitely rethink the content of this closer, if I was you.
Daring Do and the Greatest Adventure
Daring Do pored over the ancient codex. It was a secondhoof copy of a thirdhoof account, but she'd worked with far worse and still uncovered more than one ancient treasure that could've spelled the end of the world. Compared to the Voyneigh Manuscript, this was foal's—
She winced. Okay, bad phrasing, but the point stood.
The significance of those last two lines is lost on the reader at the time, most likely, but they'll pay dividends in a bit. That's mostly how I'd describe this opening; it doesn't draw me in, but it feels very appropriate in hindsight. In that sense, you're setting up the reader well, but maybe not hooking them as strongly as you could.
She grinned, then considered the Diadem of Pansy in one corner. Retrieving it had nearly made her miss Last's third birthday party. "Don't I know it."
I love that reveal, and how it takes some of the sting out of Daring's decision. She still has to give up some things, but not everything, you know? And of course, it's sweet in the same way the rest of the fic is. Good thematic reinforcement, while offering juuust enough of a twist to feel playful.
Kill All Bugs
“Specialization is for insects.”
— Robert A. Heinlein
The first quote does some nice work; it sets up the pastiche and preps us for changelings. But the actual content feels strangely irrelevant? If this story was in some way about the importance of generalization, or if there was something in your backstory/setup that made the weakness of a non-hybridized army a point, I'd get it more. Here, it feels like you just picked it because it was from the right book and had the right animal, which is pretty surface-level; whether it's adaptring the story to the quote or finding a better quote for the story, I wonder if you can make this set up your fic even better.
Moondancer died on the way up.
Optrunco Thysanoptera.
Great whammy line, and closing on the prompt is never a terrible idea. The only question I have with it is that it feels so anti-war in a story that doesn't really have any anti-war themes (or pro-war, particularly. Like I said in my review, theme this baby up!). This whole story is about a raid on a semi-neutral third party for purely political purposes. That Moondancer died fighting someone at least two, maybe three degrees separated from Equestria's war, all because someone upstairs thought it might help with negotiations, is much more Forever War than it is Starship Troopers. And if that's where this story ends up going, that's an amazing ending. But if you aren't going for anti-war-from-ground-level, then this isn't the way to finish out. All depends on what you see this story as meaning, really.
The Lizard of Ot
"Treasures unfathomable!" the unshaven stallion peering from the shadowy alleyway hissed.
"Really." Spike didn't even bother putting a question mark at the end.
My only problem with this is that ("unshaven" notwithstanding"), those first two words feel like one of the FlimFlam brothers talking. Love Spike's response though, and love the humor of the narration; it sets up the kind of humor you gird the story with well.
"Be right back," Spike said, and started out.
A Friendship Ambassador's duties were never done...
This would be a stronger ending if we'd built up at all to Spike being "always on." That's something you could work into the story in a couple of places with minimal effort when you edit; I'd definitely consider setting up how Twi's promotion keeps him busy with this sort of thing. Other than that, this does feel anticlimactic because of how quickly the story resolves ahead of it, but like I said in my review, I also think that's appropriate to the story you're telling.
Belshazzar
Her eyes squeeze, closed the whole time
I can't tell if the lack of period is deliberate, to create more of a stream-of-consciousness feel, or if it's just an accident. Since you don't seem to do it elsewhere, it leads me to suspect the latter (and if not, the failure to do it elsewhere still makes it a bad idea IMO). Either way, as an opening, it doesn't tell me what to expect, which I tend to feel is not the way to start a fic-opening dream sequence. I'd rather you gave me something more solid, then subverted it; that lets me know that things aren't as they seem while still hooking me in, instead of having me open by questioning whether you're doing this because you're clever or because you're a bad writer.
To be clear, you're not a bad writer :) All I'm saying is, don't let your opening give me an excuse to wonder if you are!
Twilight keeps falling.
The last thing they hear before the unbridgeable chasm closes is one last cry.
I hesitate to say too much about this ending, because the fact that it doesn't pack much punch to me is mostly to do with the rest of the story, rather than the ending itself. You're closing on potentially tragic imagery, but you just gave me 8000 other words of potentially tragic imagery, most of which was imaginary, and that weakens this ending. And because your writing style doesn't change, you end up implying by construction that everything after Twi wakes up is also imaginary, Inception-style, which takes even more of the punch out of it. In a slightly different context, this could be deliciously tragic, but right now, it's overwhelmed by what comes before. So that's where I'd start tinkering, not here.
The Circle and the Cross
This isn’t a story of distant shores. It isn’t a story of far-flung lands, nor of exotic locales. This isn’t a story of the places that lie at the edge of the map. It’s not even a story about coming home, and leaving those faraway lands behind.
This is a story about a circle and a cross.
As I said in my review, super meta. I like it, but I also wonder if it's a good setup for your fic, which is mostly drama, when it leads the reader to expect something more silly. Also, this probably won't land so well outside of a contest context; something to consider when you're editing this for elewhere.
For a long moment, we look at each other in silence.
And then, to my joy, I’m blinded by a flash of light.
Syrupy-sweet, as you no doubt intended. After all that suspense, it feels good to end on something wholesome. I wish you told us who and what, but that's a wish you're absolutely right not to grant, so... yeah! A pleasant way to end, that ties right back into the prompt.
Wotchmen
Ot all started with a typo.
See, that's just funny, and I love it. Doesn't tell us much about the setting or plot, no, but it's very hook-y, and clever in a way that's immediately appreciable. Plus, it does set up the tone, albeit in ways that aren't immediately obvious. I like this one.
"Well," he whispered back, "what else are friends for?"
As I alluded to in my review, this would be a lot stronger if it had anything to do with Ot, since we were just introduced to the idea that Ot needs a friend and all. But instead, it feels to me like it's applying the right lesson in the wrong place, so to speak. Poly feeling uncertain about her friend-level based on her backstor is something you only really started setting up a few paragraphs beforehand; addressing that at the end doesn't feel like a resolution to either the emotional or the event-level stuff this fic was all about.
Overtime
Why was she doing this?
Never a bad idea to start with an open-ended question. It basically forces the reader on for a couple more paragraphs, which gives you time to introduce a character or event and give me something to care about. It's a pretty generic opening, but that doesn't mean it's not perfectly fine for what it is. This is a solid single, rather than a homerun, but there's a lot of value to hitting a single when you're leading off.
“Well, you’re the one that wanted OT,” joked the sergeant.
“Yeah. I guess I did. I’m getting paid for this, right?”
It's a nice, jokey line to end on after the higher drama of the standoff, so tone-wise this is good. The fact that it calls back to her not getting paid makes it almost feel like that's an important plot point instead of a throwaway, though, and if it's an important plot point then I admit that that sailed right over my head. Readers assume that whatever you're ending on carries particular weight, even if you don't necessarily mean for it to!
Obsolete Thaumatology
“Last name?” asked the disinterested-looking receptionist.
“Uh, how about, ‘the Bearded?’”
It's 99% great, so I'm only going to mention the one part I'd change; "Uh," sounds to me like a "duh" opening, i.e. casual insulting. I feel like SS should be more prickly/bristly, or at least less casual, based on the rest of your fic. It's tough to communicate tone in your very first words, so I'd play around with that if I were you. But beyond that, nice little bit of conversational humor to open on!
“That sounds delightful,” said Star Swirl.
And for the rest of the afternoon, he thoroughly forgot all about spells and research and studying.
I already said everything I had to say about the last line in my review, so... go re-read that, I guess!
The Odd Testament
In the beginning was the Word. And the word was “FUCK!”
It's a great opening... as long as the tone of your fic stays irreverent and crass (ties in with my "this'd be a great minific" thoughts, FWIW). It sets a tone immediately, and the internal contrast between biblical and swearing may be shooting fish in a barrel, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work!
And when the glorious and terrible end finally came for this Cosmos, he was sure it would be riding both a pale and a dark horse.
By contrast, I feel this isn't nearly as strong as your first line, because setting up Satan as a chess-master-y manipulator doesn't match what you've been doing with most of the rest of the fic. It doesn't have a lot of payoff; though you could read that ending as a joke, the more serious way you've portrayed him makes it feel almost serious--at least, in contrast to the rest of the fic, and that's what matters. I've already talked about where I'd end the story, but regardless, I think you want to close on a "incompetent deities +curse words" note, because that's your schtick here.
Honestly, this feels like it would work best as a minific. You could end it at the first soft break, and have a complete comedic arc. Everything after that... don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about it, but it seems to me you're mostly doing two things. First, extending the original joke of C&L being stuck making the best of our absentee deity's half-cocked plans, which isn't terrible, but does get a little repetitive. And second, doing the whole "Satan" thing, which isn't bad in a vacuum, but feels to me like it pulls against the original joke.
Because that joke is how C&L are much more competent than Y, and how his universe is a poorly-designed murder-sex-monkey dystopia. But then everything with Satan is about how C&L are actually super incompetent themselves, which undermines the joking about the setup of this universe that Y left them.
You could expand that into more of a "all gods are incompetent" idea, if you wanted. But honestly, I feel like you've got a great, punchy minific on your hands, and that you'd be better served making your first joke land and land hard than on expanding the backend. Whether you agree or not, though, there's certainly no question that you've got some fun ideas here!
Because that joke is how C&L are much more competent than Y, and how his universe is a poorly-designed murder-sex-monkey dystopia. But then everything with Satan is about how C&L are actually super incompetent themselves, which undermines the joking about the setup of this universe that Y left them.
You could expand that into more of a "all gods are incompetent" idea, if you wanted. But honestly, I feel like you've got a great, punchy minific on your hands, and that you'd be better served making your first joke land and land hard than on expanding the backend. Whether you agree or not, though, there's certainly no question that you've got some fun ideas here!
What a sweet little fic! It's clever how you turn stasis into a crisis from an angle I haven't seen before, and yet it also feels relatable; at least in my profession, that feeling of giving(/trying to give) someone the tools to succeed and seeing them do nothing with them is a common one. Here, it's writ large, and with it that question that always follows: is it they who aren't using the tools? Or is it me who didn't actually give them what they needed? That's heavy stuff, but the SoL tone serves you well here, keeping this from getting maudlin.
As a nitpick, I think the last line almost works, but is just slightly off; it's trying to tie back that SS being forgotten is a good thing, I get that, but since we specifically brought up the examples of the inventors of important base elements (wheels and whatnot), and since the line references base elements, it comes off to me as trying to bury the important of those elements, rather than their inventors. The wheel's still important, you know? It's just that we do so much more interesting stuff with it now, that the "wheel" part doesn't excite any more. Likewise, SS's contributions are still important--they should just be so basic as to barely be worth mentioning. Maybe something to fiddle with, to tie the bow up that much neater at the end.
But as I say, that's getting kinda nitpicky. Overall, I really enjoyed this story, both its idea and its tone.
As a nitpick, I think the last line almost works, but is just slightly off; it's trying to tie back that SS being forgotten is a good thing, I get that, but since we specifically brought up the examples of the inventors of important base elements (wheels and whatnot), and since the line references base elements, it comes off to me as trying to bury the important of those elements, rather than their inventors. The wheel's still important, you know? It's just that we do so much more interesting stuff with it now, that the "wheel" part doesn't excite any more. Likewise, SS's contributions are still important--they should just be so basic as to barely be worth mentioning. Maybe something to fiddle with, to tie the bow up that much neater at the end.
But as I say, that's getting kinda nitpicky. Overall, I really enjoyed this story, both its idea and its tone.
Put me in the same "not pony" category as everyone else. So instead of that, I want to talk about something else: message.
What am I supposed to take out of this story? Is it about Whitey? Because right now I feel bad for her, but you aren't placing her for me. She's broke, but do you want me to feel like this is suffering that she rises above? Do you want me to be angry at the injustice of unpaid/underpaid cops in general, with her representing their plight? Do you want me to think that she's made bad decisions in the past that have put her here, and see this episode as a/the moment that she rises above her history and starts moving forward?
Or is this a story about rural life? Should I be thinking about Lucky and how the way impoverished people in distant communities don't have the resources to get aid, and resort to drugs and violence in a vicious cycle? Should I be thinking about the nameless mother, and how non-urban domestic abuse victims often have nowhere to go? Is this a story where Whitey is a camera to show us the desperation of life in a region that feels it's been forgotten by the rest of the world?
Whatever it is, right now I'm not getting it. And as a result, this "just" feels like a generic cop drama, and not a meaningful episode. It's engaging generic cop drama, but what I'm saying is that if you give me an angle to approach this from, it'll resonate with me that much more strongly. But hey, you've already got the drama down; now it's just a matter of putting it to use!
What am I supposed to take out of this story? Is it about Whitey? Because right now I feel bad for her, but you aren't placing her for me. She's broke, but do you want me to feel like this is suffering that she rises above? Do you want me to be angry at the injustice of unpaid/underpaid cops in general, with her representing their plight? Do you want me to think that she's made bad decisions in the past that have put her here, and see this episode as a/the moment that she rises above her history and starts moving forward?
Or is this a story about rural life? Should I be thinking about Lucky and how the way impoverished people in distant communities don't have the resources to get aid, and resort to drugs and violence in a vicious cycle? Should I be thinking about the nameless mother, and how non-urban domestic abuse victims often have nowhere to go? Is this a story where Whitey is a camera to show us the desperation of life in a region that feels it's been forgotten by the rest of the world?
Whatever it is, right now I'm not getting it. And as a result, this "just" feels like a generic cop drama, and not a meaningful episode. It's engaging generic cop drama, but what I'm saying is that if you give me an angle to approach this from, it'll resonate with me that much more strongly. But hey, you've already got the drama down; now it's just a matter of putting it to use!
I liked everything about this story except two of its core features. So, let's start with those.
First, the setting. I am just completely baffled by it. It's... it's 20 years in the future, except it's set in a world where humanity has expanded to the stars, but also it's MLP-world, and also it's maybe a Superhero RPG where everyone's aware they're characters and know their level/tier the same way they know their GPA? None of this makes sense to me, and the combination of it makes no sense to me, and I'm just completely bouncing off whatever you're trying to do here because I can't figure out what it is you're trying to do here.
Second, the ending I notice you're up near 8000 words. Did you run out of room and cut this short? Because you spend a bunch of the fic setting up this whole thing with Ot having a personality, then we get the big reveal that it's lonely... and then instead of dealing with that in any way, you just shunt Ot to the side and end on Apocolyptica's suicide-but-not-really-because-she's-just-deleting-a-backup-file, while she comforts maybe the fourth most-important character in the fic. It feels like you forgot what your story was about, but I wonder if you were just rushing to put a bow on something that was sprawling on you. Either way, it didn't land for me, because it felt like you ended on a sidelight to the story, without ever getting to an actual conclusion.
So, that's two big paragraphs of "I didn't like it." But basically everything else was great! The individual pieces of worldbuilding were fantastic, and when I stopped trying to fit them into a coherent or comprehensible setting, things like Apocalyptica's backstory or Stella's Ot-testing were super-enjoyable. You managed to make both Polly (totally what the ponies would start calling her, don't you dare disagree) and Mikhael highly memorable (and the latter highly entertaining) in few words. And if I find the setting and worldbuilding incomprehensible, I found the aesthetic and tone both immediately graspable and very appealing.
So even though I have no idea what this world even is or what you were going for at the end, I still enjoyed this. And that, I think, is high praise indeed.
First, the setting. I am just completely baffled by it. It's... it's 20 years in the future, except it's set in a world where humanity has expanded to the stars, but also it's MLP-world, and also it's maybe a Superhero RPG where everyone's aware they're characters and know their level/tier the same way they know their GPA? None of this makes sense to me, and the combination of it makes no sense to me, and I'm just completely bouncing off whatever you're trying to do here because I can't figure out what it is you're trying to do here.
Second, the ending I notice you're up near 8000 words. Did you run out of room and cut this short? Because you spend a bunch of the fic setting up this whole thing with Ot having a personality, then we get the big reveal that it's lonely... and then instead of dealing with that in any way, you just shunt Ot to the side and end on Apocolyptica's suicide-but-not-really-because-she's-just-deleting-a-backup-file, while she comforts maybe the fourth most-important character in the fic. It feels like you forgot what your story was about, but I wonder if you were just rushing to put a bow on something that was sprawling on you. Either way, it didn't land for me, because it felt like you ended on a sidelight to the story, without ever getting to an actual conclusion.
So, that's two big paragraphs of "I didn't like it." But basically everything else was great! The individual pieces of worldbuilding were fantastic, and when I stopped trying to fit them into a coherent or comprehensible setting, things like Apocalyptica's backstory or Stella's Ot-testing were super-enjoyable. You managed to make both Polly (totally what the ponies would start calling her, don't you dare disagree) and Mikhael highly memorable (and the latter highly entertaining) in few words. And if I find the setting and worldbuilding incomprehensible, I found the aesthetic and tone both immediately graspable and very appealing.
So even though I have no idea what this world even is or what you were going for at the end, I still enjoyed this. And that, I think, is high praise indeed.
This isn’t a story of distant shores.
And the award for "Most meta first sentence" goes to... (Seriously, though, I'm better than 70% sure I know who wrote this just from the opening few paragraphs, what with how they're booping the prompt around like that)
Anyway! I think the thing I like best about this story is how I've read it a bunch of times before, but from a different perspective. There are a lot of horror stories that would write this from Forbes's PoV, where he's an explorer who encounters a mysterious stranger while out in the middle of nowhere, then slowly discovers more and more disconcerting things about her until he pieces together that she's something that's liable to eat him. It's even got the attempted flight and final confrontation of the truth! This story goes in a rather different direction from there, of course, but my point is that by telling it from her perspective instead of his, it feels fresh. On the other hand, the biggest weakness here is how I've read this story a bunch of times before. I can't help feeling that this is another "X is a changeling" fic in a clever disguise.
Nice work!
I think, in the end, that most of what I could/would say about this story has already been said (especial hat tip to >>FanOfMostEverything, who fit more good advice in that first paragraph of his than I can into three). I was along for the ride at first, but the narrative just stays dreamlike, to the point where I found it incredibly difficult not to start skimming--doubly so because I found my enjoyment actually increased when I was skimming, and just taking in the general tone and major events rather than trying to suss out anything more. There's nothing wrong with writing skim-worthy material, of course... but I very much get the impression that that wasn't what you were going for.
There are some things here, especially once we get to Discord and stakes and that whole area of the fic, that could make for powerful moments, if they didn't feel like just another hazy event in a line of hazy events. Honestly, you've already got a lot of good advice from the previous commenters, so I'm just going to point upthread, and tell you that there's some great suggestions there for how to take this from "evocative but ephemeral" to "arresting and thought-provoking." You're on the right track; keep going!
There are some things here, especially once we get to Discord and stakes and that whole area of the fic, that could make for powerful moments, if they didn't feel like just another hazy event in a line of hazy events. Honestly, you've already got a lot of good advice from the previous commenters, so I'm just going to point upthread, and tell you that there's some great suggestions there for how to take this from "evocative but ephemeral" to "arresting and thought-provoking." You're on the right track; keep going!
As the folks above me alluded to, this is a charming, wholesome story that makes me feel good for having read it. And I like feeling good. So... good!
There's a lot of nice humor around the edges here (that question mark calling-back is just my kind of humor), and I actually didn't mind Twi's essential assumptions of good will/fangirling overriding her common sense, but I wish we'd gotten more Spike/Cabby interactions. You could have given us some of those Ot stories, for example, and actually shown Spike coming to marginally appreciate Cabby's company, rather than just telling us they worked together. The ending with the Lizard is also rather short, but in that case, I think that gives it a very appropriate feeling of anticlimax, so I ended up appreciating that choice.
All in all, a sweet little bit of writing. Good stuff.
There's a lot of nice humor around the edges here (that question mark calling-back is just my kind of humor), and I actually didn't mind Twi's essential assumptions of good will/fangirling overriding her common sense, but I wish we'd gotten more Spike/Cabby interactions. You could have given us some of those Ot stories, for example, and actually shown Spike coming to marginally appreciate Cabby's company, rather than just telling us they worked together. The ending with the Lizard is also rather short, but in that case, I think that gives it a very appropriate feeling of anticlimax, so I ended up appreciating that choice.
All in all, a sweet little bit of writing. Good stuff.
So, writing-wise, this is great. A strong Heinlein pastiche, without just mindlessly aping the style. Not my favorite style, personally, but that's pure individual preference, and I'm giving you full points for the writing accomplishments. But once I get past the surface appeal, I'm struggling.
Because, say what you want about Heinlein's politics (and I've got plenty to say about that), there was never any question what the message of his writing was. Starship Troopers is a polemic, of course, but even in his less strident stories, the themes of libertarianism and individual social obligation are right there. Here, I got nothing. You took a fight scene, and gave me the event-context to understand why the ponies are attacking, but didn't give me the idea-context I'd need to take anything away from that.
I'm also having trouble with the point of writing it as FiM-fiction. It's not for the setting, since you're basically just using Troopers's. It's not the themes, since as mentioned, you don't really seem to have any. It's not the characters either, as far as I can tell; recasting Moondancer as drill-sergeant-style taskmaster and Twilight as a faceless grunt whose defining characteristic appears to be her horniness... that's fine as far as it goes, but it makes me wonder: if you're not using pony characters, and you're not using pony setting, and you're not using pony themes, what are you using?
Maybe I'm missing something obvious. I have definitely been known to do that sometimes! But right now, I'm looking at this as a very well-written scene that doesn't do anything, and that doesn't take advantage of the strongest pieces of either of its sources material.
Because, say what you want about Heinlein's politics (and I've got plenty to say about that), there was never any question what the message of his writing was. Starship Troopers is a polemic, of course, but even in his less strident stories, the themes of libertarianism and individual social obligation are right there. Here, I got nothing. You took a fight scene, and gave me the event-context to understand why the ponies are attacking, but didn't give me the idea-context I'd need to take anything away from that.
I'm also having trouble with the point of writing it as FiM-fiction. It's not for the setting, since you're basically just using Troopers's. It's not the themes, since as mentioned, you don't really seem to have any. It's not the characters either, as far as I can tell; recasting Moondancer as drill-sergeant-style taskmaster and Twilight as a faceless grunt whose defining characteristic appears to be her horniness... that's fine as far as it goes, but it makes me wonder: if you're not using pony characters, and you're not using pony setting, and you're not using pony themes, what are you using?
Maybe I'm missing something obvious. I have definitely been known to do that sometimes! But right now, I'm looking at this as a very well-written scene that doesn't do anything, and that doesn't take advantage of the strongest pieces of either of its sources material.
A lovely little story about how expanding one's responsibilities may mean giving some things up, but doesn't mean we lose what's important to us. Having a child is a big responsibility, and sometimes it might mean that you aren't able to do something nobody else can. Good thing you're wrong about that, eh? You manage to make being replaceable uplifting in this fic; good job there!
The husband-wife banter did feel a little artificial in places; I'm not entirely sure what was nagging at me, but I think it's that the conversation felt a little too long to be read as anything but genuine conversation (i.e. it wasn't to-the-point enough to feel like something I should pass off as dramatic license), but didn't really have the kind of digressions that a real conversation would have; even the sidebars end up feeding into the larger narrative. Does that make sense?
Regardless, I still enjoyed the message, and the chemistry. Nice work!
The husband-wife banter did feel a little artificial in places; I'm not entirely sure what was nagging at me, but I think it's that the conversation felt a little too long to be read as anything but genuine conversation (i.e. it wasn't to-the-point enough to feel like something I should pass off as dramatic license), but didn't really have the kind of digressions that a real conversation would have; even the sidebars end up feeding into the larger narrative. Does that make sense?
Regardless, I still enjoyed the message, and the chemistry. Nice work!
So! I can only assume this story was written specifically for me, what with the Carrot Top cameo and all. Best pony is still best, even when she's getting stabbed by cat-murdering unicorn fillies.
But as for the rest of the story... well, it's got some great bits. There are laugh-out-loud moments here, and I'm generally inclined to judge a comedy by its highs rather than its lows. But everything here feels tonally disjointed. From language (Scootaloo apparently has the voice of a dapper englishmare, except when she's dropping f-bombs) to setting (if you're going to make a joke about how nobody at the market notices a bunch of screaming and an alcohol fire ten feet away from them, best not to undermine it by making the impassibility of the market a plot point right afterwards) to level of psychopathy (which vacillates from "kids are dumb" to "these are actual literal psychopaths")... I'm just wishing this story would pick a lane and ride it. Right now, it feels like you've got a brutal dark comedy in mind, but you're continually undermining it to try to make it feel more FiM-ish. And the effect is neither rather than both. If you want to go full dark, go full dark. Make no apologies, punch me in the face from the word go, let me know "this is a completely brutal story that uses a few canon personalities to poke fun at an edgefest," and dare me not to go along with it!
Or, if you worry that too many readers can't/won't take you up on that dare, go the other way and give this the full R-to-PG-13 conversion treatment--no swearing, no actual death or permanent disfigurement, more emphasis on matching up the character dialogue and tone (though not story events, obs) with canon. Either way could work! But definitely take this one direction or the other, because right now you're pulling back just enough to make your darkest moments and most out-of-character actions and dialogue feel like tonal mistakes instead of like a concerted effort by the entire fic to push the envelope.
There's a fair bit of work to be done on this one, I think--but you've already got some brutally funny bits, and if you can get this story all pulling in the same direction instead of fighting against itself, I think you'll really have something.
But as for the rest of the story... well, it's got some great bits. There are laugh-out-loud moments here, and I'm generally inclined to judge a comedy by its highs rather than its lows. But everything here feels tonally disjointed. From language (Scootaloo apparently has the voice of a dapper englishmare, except when she's dropping f-bombs) to setting (if you're going to make a joke about how nobody at the market notices a bunch of screaming and an alcohol fire ten feet away from them, best not to undermine it by making the impassibility of the market a plot point right afterwards) to level of psychopathy (which vacillates from "kids are dumb" to "these are actual literal psychopaths")... I'm just wishing this story would pick a lane and ride it. Right now, it feels like you've got a brutal dark comedy in mind, but you're continually undermining it to try to make it feel more FiM-ish. And the effect is neither rather than both. If you want to go full dark, go full dark. Make no apologies, punch me in the face from the word go, let me know "this is a completely brutal story that uses a few canon personalities to poke fun at an edgefest," and dare me not to go along with it!
Or, if you worry that too many readers can't/won't take you up on that dare, go the other way and give this the full R-to-PG-13 conversion treatment--no swearing, no actual death or permanent disfigurement, more emphasis on matching up the character dialogue and tone (though not story events, obs) with canon. Either way could work! But definitely take this one direction or the other, because right now you're pulling back just enough to make your darkest moments and most out-of-character actions and dialogue feel like tonal mistakes instead of like a concerted effort by the entire fic to push the envelope.
There's a fair bit of work to be done on this one, I think--but you've already got some brutally funny bits, and if you can get this story all pulling in the same direction instead of fighting against itself, I think you'll really have something.
>>alarajrogers
Betcha I can write something stupider!
...Granted, I don't have an idea yet, but I bet I can come up with a stupid one!
UPDATE: I have officially passed the 2000 word mark, so as long as I can get to the end of this thing and edit it up in the next couple of days, I expect I'll have an entry. Out of respect for anonymity, I will neither confirm nor deny the stupidity of my idea. It's totally stupider than alararogers', tho
UPDATE II (Saturday night): JUST DELETED 3800 WORDS CAUSE THEY SUCKED HERE WE GO BOYS
UPDATE III (Sunday night): Got a finished story! It doesn't have things like "editing" or "cohesion" yet, but hopefully I can get that done after work tomorrow. BUCKLE YOUR BUTTS
UPDATE IV: Turns out Alarajrogers didn't submit a fic (boo! hiss!) so I'mma claim victory in the stupidest prompt interpretation battle by forfeit. Woo!
Betcha I can write something stupider!
...Granted, I don't have an idea yet, but I bet I can come up with a stupid one!
UPDATE: I have officially passed the 2000 word mark, so as long as I can get to the end of this thing and edit it up in the next couple of days, I expect I'll have an entry. Out of respect for anonymity, I will neither confirm nor deny the stupidity of my idea. It's totally stupider than alararogers', tho
UPDATE II (Saturday night): JUST DELETED 3800 WORDS CAUSE THEY SUCKED HERE WE GO BOYS
UPDATE III (Sunday night): Got a finished story! It doesn't have things like "editing" or "cohesion" yet, but hopefully I can get that done after work tomorrow. BUCKLE YOUR BUTTS
UPDATE IV: Turns out Alarajrogers didn't submit a fic (boo! hiss!) so I'mma claim victory in the stupidest prompt interpretation battle by forfeit. Woo!
The moral of the story is that kids are terrible and the last line is the Stockholm Syndrome speaking, right?
I kid, I kid. I work with elementary students for a living (though, in my defence, I get paid to do it).
Anyway, I agree with BB that I'm getting a really solid image of two-thirds of this household, and it'd help me if I knew a little better how part three fit in. Specifically, I can't tell right now if dad is sort of annoyed with her but also sympathetic, recognizing that they're both working full-time and all, or if he's fully disillusioned with her (and of course, I have no idea at all how accurate either set of feelings would be, from the text as presented). It's a big difference between the two, and the text doesn't resolve onto one or the other.
But that image of a little tyke charging up, zeroing in on the only dirty thing in the house, stealing food and immediately spoiling it... this all has the ring of truth to it, so to speak. You did a great job of making this scene feel real, and joking aside, I loved the last line. Kudos!
I kid, I kid. I work with elementary students for a living (though, in my defence, I get paid to do it).
Anyway, I agree with BB that I'm getting a really solid image of two-thirds of this household, and it'd help me if I knew a little better how part three fit in. Specifically, I can't tell right now if dad is sort of annoyed with her but also sympathetic, recognizing that they're both working full-time and all, or if he's fully disillusioned with her (and of course, I have no idea at all how accurate either set of feelings would be, from the text as presented). It's a big difference between the two, and the text doesn't resolve onto one or the other.
But that image of a little tyke charging up, zeroing in on the only dirty thing in the house, stealing food and immediately spoiling it... this all has the ring of truth to it, so to speak. You did a great job of making this scene feel real, and joking aside, I loved the last line. Kudos!
I have a rule of thumb which, like all rules of thumb, can sometimes be wrong, but which I think is right often enough to make it worth having around. That rule is: the reward your reader gets for figuring out your obtuseness should be proportional to how in-your-face the obtuseness is. So for example, as a reader I don't expect (or at least, don't need) a great revelation or brilliant easter egg to accompany my figuring out some tangential writing on an ancient wall you're describing. But when I'm parsing the main dialogue of a story, and when you've deliberately rendered it like this, I expect... well, to be rewarded.
And here, I don't feel like I am. I could be mistaken, or I could just be being a sourpuss, but this feels like it's opaque for the sake of opaquicity. I don't feel like the time I spent parsing any of this was rewarded, you get me? And that's not a great feeling for a reader to have.
Anyway, I'll repeat that this might be a personal reaction, and I encourage you to get more feedback before taking it entirely to heart. But for what it's worth, I was a little disappointed that you put me through some mental juggling, and it didn't seem to earn me anything.
And here, I don't feel like I am. I could be mistaken, or I could just be being a sourpuss, but this feels like it's opaque for the sake of opaquicity. I don't feel like the time I spent parsing any of this was rewarded, you get me? And that's not a great feeling for a reader to have.
Anyway, I'll repeat that this might be a personal reaction, and I encourage you to get more feedback before taking it entirely to heart. But for what it's worth, I was a little disappointed that you put me through some mental juggling, and it didn't seem to earn me anything.
Fair Queen Titania’s cousin’s sis’s
Daughter’s friend, who from abysses
Oh, you're getting cute here. Well, it's a wonderfully whimsical poem, and one I enjoyed reading immensely. I agree with BB entirely (again) that getting a little more sense of the narrator's life--or at least, his feelings about his life--pre-adventure would set up a nice dovetail with Jaine's reveal that she left because of T's... boring-ness.
Beyond that, this was simply fun to read, and I appreciate that greatly. A great use of vocabulary to set tone throughout, and even if the poetic style is, as BB points out, not quite perfect in every location, it's certainly entirely respectable for a 24 hour minific entry. Nice work.
I've seen this kind of idea explored before in short stories, and I think it's an idea that can be got across well enough in a minific. Plus, the Area 51 grounding let's me quickly and completely picture the larger scene without you having to describe much of anything. So, concept-wise, I think this is great.
Where I'm tripping up a little is in how you get to the impasse itself. Like, why is the scientist so hung up on the alien's home planet? It seems to me that a normal response, whether from a trained interrogator or just from a basically curious person, to "I'll kill myself if you push at that question" would be to say "Okay, then can you tell me about this other thing instead?" and to try to find some safer ground to build a rapport and satisfy scientific curiosity. You know, tell me about your species' biology, are there other intelligent alien races... at least try to find something important that the alien might be willing to share, and to get a dialogue going (whether the alien would share is another matter, of course; I'm just hung up on the scientist's latching on to "where are you from?" to the exclusion of all else). And then at the end we go straight into the whole Dark Forest theory without ever explaining why it can't be solved for this particular contact. Because, you know, contact has already happened, so the dark forest doesn't really apply anymore; this is two species side-eyeing one another in the shadows, each (well, at least one) trying to decide if the other is an apex predator. Which isn't to say that the larger circumstance can't tie into the theory, but that it's more tangential to the question (especially considering, again, the arbitrariness of focusing on "where are you from?" in the first place) than you're presenting this as.
Anyway, that was a whole lot of words to say "if you tie the conversation to the dilemma a little more cleanly, I think it'd land even better." This is still an enjoyable little bit of back-and-forth, and one I enjoyed reading!
Where I'm tripping up a little is in how you get to the impasse itself. Like, why is the scientist so hung up on the alien's home planet? It seems to me that a normal response, whether from a trained interrogator or just from a basically curious person, to "I'll kill myself if you push at that question" would be to say "Okay, then can you tell me about this other thing instead?" and to try to find some safer ground to build a rapport and satisfy scientific curiosity. You know, tell me about your species' biology, are there other intelligent alien races... at least try to find something important that the alien might be willing to share, and to get a dialogue going (whether the alien would share is another matter, of course; I'm just hung up on the scientist's latching on to "where are you from?" to the exclusion of all else). And then at the end we go straight into the whole Dark Forest theory without ever explaining why it can't be solved for this particular contact. Because, you know, contact has already happened, so the dark forest doesn't really apply anymore; this is two species side-eyeing one another in the shadows, each (well, at least one) trying to decide if the other is an apex predator. Which isn't to say that the larger circumstance can't tie into the theory, but that it's more tangential to the question (especially considering, again, the arbitrariness of focusing on "where are you from?" in the first place) than you're presenting this as.
Anyway, that was a whole lot of words to say "if you tie the conversation to the dilemma a little more cleanly, I think it'd land even better." This is still an enjoyable little bit of back-and-forth, and one I enjoyed reading!
Okay, I giggled at the last two e-mails. This is an awfully insubstantial "story," which I suppose I should have expected from the title, but I do wish that you'd done more with the middle section; if @ukr could drag @gmail along for a few more messages, slowly drawing out this whole tragic story, before springing the twist, that'd make said twist even more of a groaner. As long as I'm on the subject, this feels realistic enough that I wonder if it's not far-fetched enough; I could almost see this exchange actually happening, which is simultaneously great for your sense of verisimilitude, but also leaves the comedy feeling a little lighter than it's probably meant to be.
But again, the end made me laugh, and that's clearly what you were going for. More broadly, this may be a story of rather simple goals, but I think it's fair to say it accomplishes them. So in that vein: mission accomplished!
But again, the end made me laugh, and that's clearly what you were going for. More broadly, this may be a story of rather simple goals, but I think it's fair to say it accomplishes them. So in that vein: mission accomplished!
I thought this was a really nice first two-thirds of a story. There's some nice descriptive touches ("even after he had survived his bout with puberty" really tells us a lot, doesn't it?), and I get a good sense of the narrator's attitude from the way he dismisses cliche even as he indulges in the cliche that "words can't describe what I'm feeling."
But then... well, BB beat me to it again: I'm not sure what this story's about, either. Or rather, I'm not sure what you want me to take away from that last line. Because obviously Tetsuo isn't "just another boy" to the narrator after that; that's not how feelings work, even if your excellent work in the first part of the story sets up that the narrator might try to convince himself of that. But if we're supposed to understand that the narrator is lying to themself at the end... then to what purpose? To what narrative purpose, I mean. You set this up in a clear puppy-love way, so it's too low-stakes to feel tragic. It also doesn't feel like a rejection of self, because it's not really presented as a fear of coming out so much as a more generic fear of wrecking a friendship. I'm lacking a message, and not in a deliberate sort of "this story doesn't have any meaning on purpose" way, but in a "I stopped at the turning point of the fic, but before we actually got to see the turn" way.
I think there are two ways to address this. First, you could develop how to give the narrator's decision is a rejection of self/rejection of childhood's aggression in favor of adulthood's hesitance/whatever you want it to be, and focus on adding that to the earlier part of the story so that the ending means something. Second, you could build out the back end; show us what this decision means to the narrator, and what becomes of him and/or Tetsuo. Let that last line be the conflict that sets up the climax, rather than being the climax itself. Either way, you've got a great setup--now it's just a matter of helping me and BB understand what you're trying to tell us!
But then... well, BB beat me to it again: I'm not sure what this story's about, either. Or rather, I'm not sure what you want me to take away from that last line. Because obviously Tetsuo isn't "just another boy" to the narrator after that; that's not how feelings work, even if your excellent work in the first part of the story sets up that the narrator might try to convince himself of that. But if we're supposed to understand that the narrator is lying to themself at the end... then to what purpose? To what narrative purpose, I mean. You set this up in a clear puppy-love way, so it's too low-stakes to feel tragic. It also doesn't feel like a rejection of self, because it's not really presented as a fear of coming out so much as a more generic fear of wrecking a friendship. I'm lacking a message, and not in a deliberate sort of "this story doesn't have any meaning on purpose" way, but in a "I stopped at the turning point of the fic, but before we actually got to see the turn" way.
I think there are two ways to address this. First, you could develop how to give the narrator's decision is a rejection of self/rejection of childhood's aggression in favor of adulthood's hesitance/whatever you want it to be, and focus on adding that to the earlier part of the story so that the ending means something. Second, you could build out the back end; show us what this decision means to the narrator, and what becomes of him and/or Tetsuo. Let that last line be the conflict that sets up the climax, rather than being the climax itself. Either way, you've got a great setup--now it's just a matter of helping me and BB understand what you're trying to tell us!
Okay, second review, and this time BB's already jumped in and said what I was gonna say :( Listen to him about editing, size constraints, and lack of buildup to the fear at the end; I entirely echo his comments.
Unlike him, I was able to breeze past the limited techno-babble, but I found myself hung up on the character assumptions; why does the narrator immediately assume that the gummy bears aren't coming out of the box because there's gummy bears in there? Why is there "no question of telling the press" or of publishing, when that's what any normal scientist would do? It's not that either of these things can't be explained, mind; it's just that they're contrary to my expectations, and they are glossed over as if they should be taken for granted. When you edit this into what I assume will be a significantly longer form, think about how to show the ways in which our viewpoint character is more than just an everyman scientist, and to justify some of his less obvious assumptions. I think this is a plot that will grow nicely with a few more words and a bit of elbow grease.
Unlike him, I was able to breeze past the limited techno-babble, but I found myself hung up on the character assumptions; why does the narrator immediately assume that the gummy bears aren't coming out of the box because there's gummy bears in there? Why is there "no question of telling the press" or of publishing, when that's what any normal scientist would do? It's not that either of these things can't be explained, mind; it's just that they're contrary to my expectations, and they are glossed over as if they should be taken for granted. When you edit this into what I assume will be a significantly longer form, think about how to show the ways in which our viewpoint character is more than just an everyman scientist, and to justify some of his less obvious assumptions. I think this is a plot that will grow nicely with a few more words and a bit of elbow grease.
Alright, I know I'm a little behind the ball when it comes to reviews this round, but I hope everyone else hasn't already gotten their two cents in and robbed me of anything new to... wait, what? It's just BB so far, and he's only hit up a few fics? Hallelujah, I'm not too late!
Okay, so, this fic: the ending was cute, and the fact that the whole story is aggressively whimsical is a great way to set the tone here; David isn't supposed to be whimsical, we're told, but he very definitely is, and the narrative style supports that. This is a cute little thing, and one I enjoyed reading. My only real criticism is that the writing style, especially in the first three or four paragraphs where you're clearly trying to set that tone, sometimes overshoots. I'm getting more twee than whimsy from the amount of detail you're putting into that first narrative sentence, for example.
But this is really a nitpick; what I'm saying is that I like the shade of blue you painted your sky, but that I wish it was maybe a bit less bright. And the overall tone of the piece is one I really like, wrapped around a cute little piece of PG forbidden romance. This is the first story on my ballot, but I expect I'll end up rating it highly.
Okay, so, this fic: the ending was cute, and the fact that the whole story is aggressively whimsical is a great way to set the tone here; David isn't supposed to be whimsical, we're told, but he very definitely is, and the narrative style supports that. This is a cute little thing, and one I enjoyed reading. My only real criticism is that the writing style, especially in the first three or four paragraphs where you're clearly trying to set that tone, sometimes overshoots. I'm getting more twee than whimsy from the amount of detail you're putting into that first narrative sentence, for example.
But this is really a nitpick; what I'm saying is that I like the shade of blue you painted your sky, but that I wish it was maybe a bit less bright. And the overall tone of the piece is one I really like, wrapped around a cute little piece of PG forbidden romance. This is the first story on my ballot, but I expect I'll end up rating it highly.
>>Miller Minus
Okay, so, unless that's all from the most recent season (which I haven't watched), then I legit don't remember that stuff.
And if it is from the most recent season... well, ignore the idiot who doesn't keep up with the show, I guess!
Not gonna be at Bronycon, but have fun! And buy my book, if you wanna :p
Okay, so, unless that's all from the most recent season (which I haven't watched), then I legit don't remember that stuff.
And if it is from the most recent season... well, ignore the idiot who doesn't keep up with the show, I guess!
A'ight, retrospective time for...
Demise Reprise
So, like many people clearly did, my first thought when I read the words Through Flames was of crossing between life and death. So I wrote a story about doing that over and over again--even when your friends really wish you'd pick a side and stay on it (hint: there is a correct side).
My original thought was to have most of the story be about Twilight getting her exasperated/annoyed friends together, but as I started writing I felt like that was stretching on too much and getting same-y, so I cut it down to just AJ and Fluttershy, and instead of having "okay everypony, time to go get Dash again" the endpoint, decided to dive into Dash's psyche. Unfortunately, it's kind of a shallow pool.
(Honest, RD is my favorite of the main six!)
Anyway, there seems to be a consensus that the outside-Tartarus stuff dragged a bit, or at least was a little wheel-spinny, so when I edit this I'll see if I can give it some more forward push without losing the weary dark humor I was aiming for. That bit seemed to come through, at least, which I was glad to see; character-twisting dark comedy isn't something I've really tried before, so I was glad the humor of it seemed to land. Thank you all for the comments; you've given me plenty to work with when I edit. And congrats to our winners, and to everyone who entered.
Specific comments:
>>TerrusStokkr
Thanks for the comments, and welcome to the Writeoff! "I hope to read more stories like this" is a great compliment, and I appreciate it.
>>Miller Minus
Point taken on the quipping; there are a few bits that are literally "here's a sentence of moving the plot forward. Here's three reactions. Here's another sentence moving the plot forward. Here's two more reactions. Here's..." I'll keep on eye on that going forward. Thanks for pointing that out!
>>Bachiavellian
I totally get what you mean about wrapping it around to the show themes. I think I need to workshop the ending a little bit (the current one is funny, but it's not really thematic) and look at giving this more of a through-line in that regard. Thanks for the comments!
>>Rao
Glad you enjoyed!
>>Anonymous Potato
Thanks for the suggestions, and especially good call on the Dash line. I appreciate it!
>>Posh
Hey, high praise! I think that giving this a little more thematic focus and maybe shortening it a bit will address your criticisms, so, I'mma do that.
Also! specific comments on other stories:
>>Miller Minus
Well, it's pretty clearly low-effort for the teachers; despite the main six being the principal teachers, it doesn't seem to interfere with AJ's ability to run a farm with only her brother for support, with Rarity's ability to manage a small business franchise, etc. And from the students perspective... well, their studies don't seem to take up much on-screen time too, but unlike the main six, they don't have extensive, complicated lives that we know aren't being interfered with. I guess that's more into personal opinion than canon fact, then, but the lessons we've seen them learning are how to share sweets, how to hug... real kindergarten-level stuff.
Anyway, I'm not saying that a story about the academic rigours of Friendship Community and Technical College can't exist, but without addressing that in any way... well, to me at least, it doesn't jive with what we've been shown.
>>Posh
Well... I disagree. About being able to assume the author knows that, that is. A lot of people don't find contemporary-age Twilestia problematic, and I don't assume that they're all able to somehow intuit exactly what about a particular portrayal of Twilestia is or is not likely to cross someone else's ethical third rail. That's kind of moot, though, because the reason I mentioned it (which I thought was clear in context; I apologize that it wasn't!) was because it's a disclaimer. Like, that footnote is me saying "when I say this about your story, I am quite confident I'm speaking for a significant group of readers, but they aren't your readers for this fic." As a writer, I would consider that useful information to know about my story, and if possible, would want a reviewer to make clear who they might reasonably be talking for, and to what extent that group overlaps with my target readership. I'm sorry I didn't convey that well!
Demise Reprise
So, like many people clearly did, my first thought when I read the words Through Flames was of crossing between life and death. So I wrote a story about doing that over and over again--even when your friends really wish you'd pick a side and stay on it (hint: there is a correct side).
My original thought was to have most of the story be about Twilight getting her exasperated/annoyed friends together, but as I started writing I felt like that was stretching on too much and getting same-y, so I cut it down to just AJ and Fluttershy, and instead of having "okay everypony, time to go get Dash again" the endpoint, decided to dive into Dash's psyche. Unfortunately, it's kind of a shallow pool.
(Honest, RD is my favorite of the main six!)
Anyway, there seems to be a consensus that the outside-Tartarus stuff dragged a bit, or at least was a little wheel-spinny, so when I edit this I'll see if I can give it some more forward push without losing the weary dark humor I was aiming for. That bit seemed to come through, at least, which I was glad to see; character-twisting dark comedy isn't something I've really tried before, so I was glad the humor of it seemed to land. Thank you all for the comments; you've given me plenty to work with when I edit. And congrats to our winners, and to everyone who entered.
Specific comments:
>>TerrusStokkr
Thanks for the comments, and welcome to the Writeoff! "I hope to read more stories like this" is a great compliment, and I appreciate it.
>>Miller Minus
Point taken on the quipping; there are a few bits that are literally "here's a sentence of moving the plot forward. Here's three reactions. Here's another sentence moving the plot forward. Here's two more reactions. Here's..." I'll keep on eye on that going forward. Thanks for pointing that out!
>>Bachiavellian
I totally get what you mean about wrapping it around to the show themes. I think I need to workshop the ending a little bit (the current one is funny, but it's not really thematic) and look at giving this more of a through-line in that regard. Thanks for the comments!
>>Rao
Glad you enjoyed!
>>Anonymous Potato
Thanks for the suggestions, and especially good call on the Dash line. I appreciate it!
>>Posh
Hey, high praise! I think that giving this a little more thematic focus and maybe shortening it a bit will address your criticisms, so, I'mma do that.
Also! specific comments on other stories:
>>Miller Minus
I've seen most of the school episodes and I don't remember it being implied to be zero-effort for either party.
Well, it's pretty clearly low-effort for the teachers; despite the main six being the principal teachers, it doesn't seem to interfere with AJ's ability to run a farm with only her brother for support, with Rarity's ability to manage a small business franchise, etc. And from the students perspective... well, their studies don't seem to take up much on-screen time too, but unlike the main six, they don't have extensive, complicated lives that we know aren't being interfered with. I guess that's more into personal opinion than canon fact, then, but the lessons we've seen them learning are how to share sweets, how to hug... real kindergarten-level stuff.
Anyway, I'm not saying that a story about the academic rigours of Friendship Community and Technical College can't exist, but without addressing that in any way... well, to me at least, it doesn't jive with what we've been shown.
>>Posh
I'm just saying, what you've presented in this story is something that I, and plenty of other readers, can and will 100% read as statutory rape.
I'm sure the author knows that already, and I don't see why you brought it up in the first place, beyond just providing the disclaimer that you don't care for the ship.
Well... I disagree. About being able to assume the author knows that, that is. A lot of people don't find contemporary-age Twilestia problematic, and I don't assume that they're all able to somehow intuit exactly what about a particular portrayal of Twilestia is or is not likely to cross someone else's ethical third rail. That's kind of moot, though, because the reason I mentioned it (which I thought was clear in context; I apologize that it wasn't!) was because it's a disclaimer. Like, that footnote is me saying "when I say this about your story, I am quite confident I'm speaking for a significant group of readers, but they aren't your readers for this fic." As a writer, I would consider that useful information to know about my story, and if possible, would want a reviewer to make clear who they might reasonably be talking for, and to what extent that group overlaps with my target readership. I'm sorry I didn't convey that well!
So, I'm leaving for a weekend at the cabin in an hour, and I won't be back until around the time scores are final, but I wanted to come back to this story and talk to the author directly.
Author, I'm making the assumption that you're relatively new here. With that in mind, I want to talk about scoring. Specifically, I want to tell you that I've finished putting my ballot together, and I have your story in dead last.
Why am I telling you this?
Because you shouldn't care.
>>Miller Minus said something important about how just submitting something is an achievement in and of itself. And it's true! Just writing a few thousand coherent words in 72 hours is more than most people can do! But more than that, you should look at the context into which you're submitting this story: it's being compared against a very small sample of other writings, all by people who've decided they have a vested interest in seeking out criticism and working to improve their writing. In other words, the people you're competing against aren't a random sample of people, or even a random sample of fanfic writers.
And that's important because if this story scores low on other peoples' ballots as well as on mine, then in a few days you're going to log on and see that rating, and the natural first thing to think is "oh, well, they hated my story." This is not true. People are reacting to a first draft of your story, which they are comparing against a small sampling of other stories by folks, many of whom have done a bunch of writeoffs before and learned a lot of tricks, not just about writing in general, but about writing to this particular audience and timeframe. Heck, some of the stories here are written by professionally published authors!
It's with that context in mind that I want to make sure you (and anyone else who might end up near the bottom of the voting results!) realize that a low score does not mean you did something bad, or shouldn't have submitted your story, or that you should be embarrassed. A quick look at the other comments shows that nobody hated your story, and none of us were anything but happy to read and critique it; we like stories, and we like trying to be helpful! Even if you do end up at or near the bottom of scoring, you shouldn't care. You wrote a story, you've hopefully gotten some useful critique out of the deal... everything's roses.
I suppose, having said all of that, that if my story ends up being the one at the bottom of the voting, I'm going to have a lot of egg on my face. But on the bright side, I'll be able to re-read this pep talk, and it will all be just as true about me and the story I submitted as it would've been about you and yours. We're all in the same boat, here.
So, that said, I hope you enjoy the next few days as much as I'm about to enjoy my cabin weekend, and remember: no matter what the score says, everyone's happy to see you here, and we're eager to see what you do next!
Author, I'm making the assumption that you're relatively new here. With that in mind, I want to talk about scoring. Specifically, I want to tell you that I've finished putting my ballot together, and I have your story in dead last.
Why am I telling you this?
Because you shouldn't care.
>>Miller Minus said something important about how just submitting something is an achievement in and of itself. And it's true! Just writing a few thousand coherent words in 72 hours is more than most people can do! But more than that, you should look at the context into which you're submitting this story: it's being compared against a very small sample of other writings, all by people who've decided they have a vested interest in seeking out criticism and working to improve their writing. In other words, the people you're competing against aren't a random sample of people, or even a random sample of fanfic writers.
And that's important because if this story scores low on other peoples' ballots as well as on mine, then in a few days you're going to log on and see that rating, and the natural first thing to think is "oh, well, they hated my story." This is not true. People are reacting to a first draft of your story, which they are comparing against a small sampling of other stories by folks, many of whom have done a bunch of writeoffs before and learned a lot of tricks, not just about writing in general, but about writing to this particular audience and timeframe. Heck, some of the stories here are written by professionally published authors!
It's with that context in mind that I want to make sure you (and anyone else who might end up near the bottom of the voting results!) realize that a low score does not mean you did something bad, or shouldn't have submitted your story, or that you should be embarrassed. A quick look at the other comments shows that nobody hated your story, and none of us were anything but happy to read and critique it; we like stories, and we like trying to be helpful! Even if you do end up at or near the bottom of scoring, you shouldn't care. You wrote a story, you've hopefully gotten some useful critique out of the deal... everything's roses.
I suppose, having said all of that, that if my story ends up being the one at the bottom of the voting, I'm going to have a lot of egg on my face. But on the bright side, I'll be able to re-read this pep talk, and it will all be just as true about me and the story I submitted as it would've been about you and yours. We're all in the same boat, here.
So, that said, I hope you enjoy the next few days as much as I'm about to enjoy my cabin weekend, and remember: no matter what the score says, everyone's happy to see you here, and we're eager to see what you do next!
Okay, so, I really didn't like this. And a big part of that is that my reaction to show-contemporary Twilestia shipping is a big NO. That's not exactly your fault, author, though you sure could have done more to make it palatable ("she's not technically your student anymore, so there's no ethical problems here whatsoever!" is... really, really missing the point). But anyway, I'm sure you can see how, for the not-insignificant portion of the general readership which I'm presuming to speak for, "Celestia goes to get purified of sin" and "Celestia's gonna go be a statutory rapist after this"* are incompatible.
But, good news: when you post this on FiMFiction, it'll have the "Celestia," "Twilight," and "Shipping" tags, and most of us who feel that way will be smart enough to avoid it. So, that's probably more than enough time talking about that.
Even past the whole premise, though, that transition to Chastity was so far out of left field, I honestly couldn't tell what that it wasn't meant to be Celestia pretending she wanted to bang Twilight in order to tease her friend until I got to the end of the fic. The story could really benefit from seeding her feelings a lot earlier, and more strongly ("Celestia talking about Twi" is not, in itself, something I'd consider sufficient seeding; we already know they have a relationship, it's the nature of Celestia's feelings that needs seeding). I'd also try to establish some anxiety on Celestia's part going in; right now, the casual joviality with which she treats all the other friends, and the lack of any sign that there's a more important-to-her trial coming up, are guiding me strongly away from reading her talk with Chastity as serious. This wouldn't require big changes; I'm not saying Celestia needs to be spouting her doom every page. But I think it would be to the fic's benefit to have it establish at some point, and probably to lightly reinforce a time or two, that there is an upcoming trial/purification that Celestia dreads/desires, and a "friend" who she's not quite so excited to see.
I will say, I enjoyed the way you balanced purification of suffering and casual, glad dialogue in the first three-quarters or so of the fic. It was fun, and surprisingly breezy, and I very much enjoyed that part of the reading experience. Please don't take my "this story makes me feel disgusted" as any sort of criticism of its writing (or for that matter, of you as a person; in no way am I trying to pass judgement on any author or reader who likes this stuff!). If you smooth out the move to Chastity, I think you'll have a story that a lot of readers will really enjoy, and that the rest of us, well, won't be your audience for. So... ignore us, and keep doing what makes you happy!
*I'm not asking you to agree that she is; I'm just saying, what you've presented in this story is something that I, and plenty of other readers, can and will 100% read as statutory rape.
But, good news: when you post this on FiMFiction, it'll have the "Celestia," "Twilight," and "Shipping" tags, and most of us who feel that way will be smart enough to avoid it. So, that's probably more than enough time talking about that.
Even past the whole premise, though, that transition to Chastity was so far out of left field, I honestly couldn't tell what that it wasn't meant to be Celestia pretending she wanted to bang Twilight in order to tease her friend until I got to the end of the fic. The story could really benefit from seeding her feelings a lot earlier, and more strongly ("Celestia talking about Twi" is not, in itself, something I'd consider sufficient seeding; we already know they have a relationship, it's the nature of Celestia's feelings that needs seeding). I'd also try to establish some anxiety on Celestia's part going in; right now, the casual joviality with which she treats all the other friends, and the lack of any sign that there's a more important-to-her trial coming up, are guiding me strongly away from reading her talk with Chastity as serious. This wouldn't require big changes; I'm not saying Celestia needs to be spouting her doom every page. But I think it would be to the fic's benefit to have it establish at some point, and probably to lightly reinforce a time or two, that there is an upcoming trial/purification that Celestia dreads/desires, and a "friend" who she's not quite so excited to see.
I will say, I enjoyed the way you balanced purification of suffering and casual, glad dialogue in the first three-quarters or so of the fic. It was fun, and surprisingly breezy, and I very much enjoyed that part of the reading experience. Please don't take my "this story makes me feel disgusted" as any sort of criticism of its writing (or for that matter, of you as a person; in no way am I trying to pass judgement on any author or reader who likes this stuff!). If you smooth out the move to Chastity, I think you'll have a story that a lot of readers will really enjoy, and that the rest of us, well, won't be your audience for. So... ignore us, and keep doing what makes you happy!
*I'm not asking you to agree that she is; I'm just saying, what you've presented in this story is something that I, and plenty of other readers, can and will 100% read as statutory rape.
Paging WIP