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>>Baal Bunny
>>Rubidium
>>Heavy_Mole
Thank you all for the thoughtful comments. I haven't been doing much writing this past year, and I do almost no ponyfic these days, so it's nice to hop back in like this. I'm glad the voicing came through, sorry about the tense stuff (it was a product of the wordlimit; there was a longer intro that was less ambiguous about us being present-tense in the first draft, but it was one of the things that got trimmed to get to 750, and when I thought about just switching to past, I realized that both I liked this fic better in present, and switching would add another ~50 words anyway), and my intention with the timing at the start was that AJ heard Winona run off barking a couple hours ago and was just now going to see where she'd gotten off to, not that AJ'd been listening to continuous barking for hours. Anyway, good and right criticisms, and stuff that'll be easy enough to clean up, I think, so thank you! I'll also certainly poke at the ending and keep an eye on repetitive phrasing; to repeat myself, a lot of ideas and suggestions up here that I feel are really useful and accurate.
So thank you all again, congrats to the other medalists, and thank you to everyone who entered a piece. It was fun to come back to this, and even though I'm probably going to continue to be occasional-at-best with participation, I love that the writeoff exists and that you all are just so generally great.
>>Rubidium
>>Heavy_Mole
Thank you all for the thoughtful comments. I haven't been doing much writing this past year, and I do almost no ponyfic these days, so it's nice to hop back in like this. I'm glad the voicing came through, sorry about the tense stuff (it was a product of the wordlimit; there was a longer intro that was less ambiguous about us being present-tense in the first draft, but it was one of the things that got trimmed to get to 750, and when I thought about just switching to past, I realized that both I liked this fic better in present, and switching would add another ~50 words anyway), and my intention with the timing at the start was that AJ heard Winona run off barking a couple hours ago and was just now going to see where she'd gotten off to, not that AJ'd been listening to continuous barking for hours. Anyway, good and right criticisms, and stuff that'll be easy enough to clean up, I think, so thank you! I'll also certainly poke at the ending and keep an eye on repetitive phrasing; to repeat myself, a lot of ideas and suggestions up here that I feel are really useful and accurate.
So thank you all again, congrats to the other medalists, and thank you to everyone who entered a piece. It was fun to come back to this, and even though I'm probably going to continue to be occasional-at-best with participation, I love that the writeoff exists and that you all are just so generally great.
Thanks for all the arts, but mostly for this one, because I love the visual of Dash's tail hanging so tantalizingly close yet out of reach. Just an excellent visual that represents my story in a very literal way, but also captures the spirit of the whole thing <3
>>Rubidium
That would be https://writeoff.me/event/32-All-In, in which both PresentPerfect and Pascoite submitted poop-themed fics (apparently based on a prior conversation they'd had, but neither knowing the other also intended to write one). Also, both fics were right near the top of the randomly-ordered list along with a booger story PP also wrote, so a bunch of reviewers who were just reading everything in gallery order got three kinda gross-premised stories in their first half-dozen or so reviews. Good times!
That would be https://writeoff.me/event/32-All-In, in which both PresentPerfect and Pascoite submitted poop-themed fics (apparently based on a prior conversation they'd had, but neither knowing the other also intended to write one). Also, both fics were right near the top of the randomly-ordered list along with a booger story PP also wrote, so a bunch of reviewers who were just reading everything in gallery order got three kinda gross-premised stories in their first half-dozen or so reviews. Good times!
It occurs to me that, in the interest of providing the most complete possible reviews, there's one more thing I should add:
What >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny said :)
(And thank you, Augie, for reminding me of the poopfic-off. Truly, one of the writeoffs of our times...)
What >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny said :)
(And thank you, Augie, for reminding me of the poopfic-off. Truly, one of the writeoffs of our times...)
Uuuuuuuugh.
That's not a criticism; that's exactly the reaction this story was going for at the end, and you got it. Uuuuuuuuugh.
Okay, so: I like that you start heavily dramatic, the better to be undermined later, but I'd take another look at some of your choices there; "the steady step of the condemned prisoner facing the gallows" doesn't really jive with Equestria, for example, and could be easily enough replaced without changing the overall tone. But in fact, I would change the tone in an important way: I'd keep this entire story from Fluttershy's PoV, rather than start with Rarity and shift over for the punchline. Because you need Fluttershy's PoV for the last line, but you could keep pretty much the same beats by staying there the whole way. And as a bonus, you could get an earlier fake-out on the reader by making the early going really sound like Flutter is a werewolf, then pulling that rug out on us as soon as Rarity starts talking!
But now I'm getting dangerously close to telling you how I'd write your story, rather than just what worked and didn't. As-is, this was a funny little idea, way to write an "I'd like to be a tree" story in the year of our lord 2024, and uuuuuuuuuuugh.
That's not a criticism; that's exactly the reaction this story was going for at the end, and you got it. Uuuuuuuuugh.
Okay, so: I like that you start heavily dramatic, the better to be undermined later, but I'd take another look at some of your choices there; "the steady step of the condemned prisoner facing the gallows" doesn't really jive with Equestria, for example, and could be easily enough replaced without changing the overall tone. But in fact, I would change the tone in an important way: I'd keep this entire story from Fluttershy's PoV, rather than start with Rarity and shift over for the punchline. Because you need Fluttershy's PoV for the last line, but you could keep pretty much the same beats by staying there the whole way. And as a bonus, you could get an earlier fake-out on the reader by making the early going really sound like Flutter is a werewolf, then pulling that rug out on us as soon as Rarity starts talking!
But now I'm getting dangerously close to telling you how I'd write your story, rather than just what worked and didn't. As-is, this was a funny little idea, way to write an "I'd like to be a tree" story in the year of our lord 2024, and uuuuuuuuuuugh.
Cute idea; it feels like something that could have come from certain seasons of the show (albeit with a more slapsticky/less wistful tone). It does feel like the ending lacks some oomph--it's no letter to Celestia, natch--but it's a fine lesson nonetheless.
I think the tense choice might have been a mistake. Not that there's anything wrong with having your story be in present tense, but in this particular case, you start off by having AJ remembering something, so it feels confused for the first couple of paragraphs, until you've got enough of the same verbs in a row that it's clear what you're doing. This is one of those "you're not wrong, but you're not making it easy for people to tell you're right" situations: think about the reader's first impressions, especially given that a fanfic reader can absolutely be excused for suspecting unclear tense in a story is a result of authorial incompetence rather than the result of a grammatically correct but potentially misleading decision.
Beyond that, though, I thought this was exactly the kind of stupid/pointless thing Dash would do, and that kind of hitting characterization hard in a short space is always nice. All three come through clearly, even with Winona not having much character beyond "farm dog"--nice job there!
I think the tense choice might have been a mistake. Not that there's anything wrong with having your story be in present tense, but in this particular case, you start off by having AJ remembering something, so it feels confused for the first couple of paragraphs, until you've got enough of the same verbs in a row that it's clear what you're doing. This is one of those "you're not wrong, but you're not making it easy for people to tell you're right" situations: think about the reader's first impressions, especially given that a fanfic reader can absolutely be excused for suspecting unclear tense in a story is a result of authorial incompetence rather than the result of a grammatically correct but potentially misleading decision.
Beyond that, though, I thought this was exactly the kind of stupid/pointless thing Dash would do, and that kind of hitting characterization hard in a short space is always nice. All three come through clearly, even with Winona not having much character beyond "farm dog"--nice job there!
What a brutal last line. I felt miserable in a kicked-in-the-solar-plexus way when I read that, which is exactly as intended; you set everything up for that conclusion in a way that immediately made sense upon reading it without being obvious along the way that that was the emotional beat you were building to. Excellent work, there.
I feel like this story needs to be slightly longer; the second scene could give us a little more of Celly's thoughts/impressions/how she's figuring, but I realize you're right up at the wordlimit, and you got enough in there for everything to make sense. I just think the flow would be better, and fit the first and third sections better, if it wasn't almost pure dialogue with no internal thoughts/impressions.
But even beyond that gut punch at the end, I really enjoyed this fic. We got off to a great start with a dry-humorous glimpse of SS's critique, and even as that tone became increasingly serious, it never felt anything less than cohesive. Nice job!
I feel like this story needs to be slightly longer; the second scene could give us a little more of Celly's thoughts/impressions/how she's figuring, but I realize you're right up at the wordlimit, and you got enough in there for everything to make sense. I just think the flow would be better, and fit the first and third sections better, if it wasn't almost pure dialogue with no internal thoughts/impressions.
But even beyond that gut punch at the end, I really enjoyed this fic. We got off to a great start with a dry-humorous glimpse of SS's critique, and even as that tone became increasingly serious, it never felt anything less than cohesive. Nice job!
Okay, I love the penultimate paragraph, but I find the very last one a bridge too far. Yes, yes, bitch as in female dog, I get it. In a longer story, that could be worked in in a way that's funny, but I think that here it undercuts the largely sweet humor of the rest of the fic because it's so short; it makes it feel like you wrote this specifically to make a bitch joke, which is kind of a different tone of intent than I was getting from the first 730 words.
Past that, though? It's a cute idea, and I enjoyed reading it. I think you could really pump up the name puns/sound-alikes--I'd aim for every single changed name to be at least two of dog pun, FiM soundalike, and different word/identical meaning--but it's very respectable work for 24 hours. It's an insubstantial little story in the end, but that's fine: not everything needs to have a deep message, especially not in 750 words or less. I think you found something here that's a good fit for the length, and I appreciate that in a story.
As a nitpick, I'm not sure why you had Dash/Lash being the one to argue against cool adventures; that sounds like more of an AJ attitude to me, or maybe Twi, or Rarity, or... well, any of the other main six but Dash, really. One could chalk it up to the AU, but since Pinkie/Vera is explicitly playing to type, it seems odd to have Dash/Lash play against it.
But all in all, this one got a few smiles out of me, and that's never something I'm going to complain about!
Past that, though? It's a cute idea, and I enjoyed reading it. I think you could really pump up the name puns/sound-alikes--I'd aim for every single changed name to be at least two of dog pun, FiM soundalike, and different word/identical meaning--but it's very respectable work for 24 hours. It's an insubstantial little story in the end, but that's fine: not everything needs to have a deep message, especially not in 750 words or less. I think you found something here that's a good fit for the length, and I appreciate that in a story.
As a nitpick, I'm not sure why you had Dash/Lash being the one to argue against cool adventures; that sounds like more of an AJ attitude to me, or maybe Twi, or Rarity, or... well, any of the other main six but Dash, really. One could chalk it up to the AU, but since Pinkie/Vera is explicitly playing to type, it seems odd to have Dash/Lash play against it.
But all in all, this one got a few smiles out of me, and that's never something I'm going to complain about!
This is going to come out harsher than I intend it to be, but the fact is that my immediate reaction upon finishing this story was: so what? Like, the three diamond dogs are wandering around and hungry, they snatch a gem from some (cultist?) ponies, and something goes wrong for said ponies because of the switch. But so what? I don't know what the stakes are, I don't know what this ruby is, I don't know if the Doggos just accidentally saved Equestria, accidentally doomed the universe, or accidentally did something largely inconsequential! No, you certainly don't need to explain everything in a fic, but I don't feel like you gave me nearly enough pieces to even try to construct the narrative.
Truth be told, this feels like the setup to a story, not a story itself. Oh sure, you could change the focus a bit so that it's a story that tells us something about the dogs (one where them taking the gem and its negative consequences for the ponies thematically reinforces their in-show distain for how their actions affect others, perhaps, or one where their theft redounds against them at the end in an echo of how kidnapping Rarity cost them their home at the start), but my guess is that you'll be happier theming this baby up by adding to the backend rather than by trying to insert/intersperse.
Right now, I read this as some post-Dog and Pony Show blank-filling that doesn't serve any larger purpose. And that means that I'm looking for meaning in your waypoints and coming up empty. Rather than just being able to enjoy, for example, some very nice survival concern imagery, I'm trying to figure out what that's supposed to tell me; I'm looking at it for meaning instead of for/as setup, because I can't find the meaning. Once I have that purpose, that meaning--what are you telling me about these dogs, about Equestria, etc. that I don't already know?--then I think a lot of my ennui about this fic will resolve itself.
Truth be told, this feels like the setup to a story, not a story itself. Oh sure, you could change the focus a bit so that it's a story that tells us something about the dogs (one where them taking the gem and its negative consequences for the ponies thematically reinforces their in-show distain for how their actions affect others, perhaps, or one where their theft redounds against them at the end in an echo of how kidnapping Rarity cost them their home at the start), but my guess is that you'll be happier theming this baby up by adding to the backend rather than by trying to insert/intersperse.
Right now, I read this as some post-Dog and Pony Show blank-filling that doesn't serve any larger purpose. And that means that I'm looking for meaning in your waypoints and coming up empty. Rather than just being able to enjoy, for example, some very nice survival concern imagery, I'm trying to figure out what that's supposed to tell me; I'm looking at it for meaning instead of for/as setup, because I can't find the meaning. Once I have that purpose, that meaning--what are you telling me about these dogs, about Equestria, etc. that I don't already know?--then I think a lot of my ennui about this fic will resolve itself.
I decided to do reviews this round in alphabetical order, and this story is immediately making me regret that decision, because I'm finding it very difficult to make a useful review of this one.
So, let's start simple: there's plenty of editing work to be done here. From stuff like wrong word/wrong tense ("He reached over and pet her wrist"), oddly-constructed sentences (you like long, flowing sentences, which is fine, but sometimes that leads to an irrelevant aside thrown into an otherwise-coherent thought where it really ought to be separated out), word repetition, and a pervasive telliness (probably at least partly a result of wordcount limit, but take a look at paragraph #8: that could be multiple fun scenes, or at least a nice band of dialogue that feels more like part of a story and less like a summary) are all things that could be improved without altering the style or tone you're aiming for.
But more broadly, I must admit that this story leaves me confused as to its broader purpose. Sometimes, this is because the reviewer is dumb or not reading carefully and misses obvious stuff. And sometimes, that reviewer is me! But even if that does turn out the be the case, I think there's value in seeing what seemingly obvious things a reader managed to miss, so let's go:
As far as I can tell, the literal plot is, "Cranky is feeling less grumpy now he's married, so he decides to find his long-lost son so said son can do chores for him and his wife, but said son can for unclear reasons only be found by having someone who makes Cranky miserable bring him back, but when he finally finds somepony he despises, she just brings him Fluttershy and tries to hawk him some candles." Obviously, that's incoherent. Or rather, it's obvious that the sentence I just typed describes an incoherent plot, not that that's your plot, because I'm assuming this is a metaphor. It's just... I can't figure out the metaphor. Is Cranky yearning for his youthful vigor/having a mid-life crisis? That would explain how "Roofus" (his younger self, metaphorically) would help give him the energy to spruce up the house and how he could be brought back by re-creating the feelings of misery that he associates with that period of his life, I guess. But the ending feels totally nonsensical with that interpretation; Cranky getting hung up on Fluttershy's gender, or the story closing on the candle angle, don't make any sense with that interpretation. Is there some other interpretation I'm missing? Probably, but, well, I'm missing it.
So in the end, I'm kind of baffled about what this story is supposed to be about, and that makes it hard for me to speak intelligently about what would improve it. What I can say, though, is that there's some great humor in the way you mix love and hate with contrasts like "Cranky became more and more convinced that he hadn’t met a pony with whom he shared so little in common, and whose presence he detested so indubitably. At the end of their conversation, he was nearly in tears of gratitude for her appearance," and that (ignoring for a moment the stuff I mentioned in the first paragraph) your narration has a pleasantly languid yet evocative quality, even if I'm often not quite sure what it's evoking. There are plenty of good things here to build on, is my point, even if I'm not sure exactly how to help you stack them into the building you're trying to make.
So, let's start simple: there's plenty of editing work to be done here. From stuff like wrong word/wrong tense ("He reached over and pet her wrist"), oddly-constructed sentences (you like long, flowing sentences, which is fine, but sometimes that leads to an irrelevant aside thrown into an otherwise-coherent thought where it really ought to be separated out), word repetition, and a pervasive telliness (probably at least partly a result of wordcount limit, but take a look at paragraph #8: that could be multiple fun scenes, or at least a nice band of dialogue that feels more like part of a story and less like a summary) are all things that could be improved without altering the style or tone you're aiming for.
But more broadly, I must admit that this story leaves me confused as to its broader purpose. Sometimes, this is because the reviewer is dumb or not reading carefully and misses obvious stuff. And sometimes, that reviewer is me! But even if that does turn out the be the case, I think there's value in seeing what seemingly obvious things a reader managed to miss, so let's go:
As far as I can tell, the literal plot is, "Cranky is feeling less grumpy now he's married, so he decides to find his long-lost son so said son can do chores for him and his wife, but said son can for unclear reasons only be found by having someone who makes Cranky miserable bring him back, but when he finally finds somepony he despises, she just brings him Fluttershy and tries to hawk him some candles." Obviously, that's incoherent. Or rather, it's obvious that the sentence I just typed describes an incoherent plot, not that that's your plot, because I'm assuming this is a metaphor. It's just... I can't figure out the metaphor. Is Cranky yearning for his youthful vigor/having a mid-life crisis? That would explain how "Roofus" (his younger self, metaphorically) would help give him the energy to spruce up the house and how he could be brought back by re-creating the feelings of misery that he associates with that period of his life, I guess. But the ending feels totally nonsensical with that interpretation; Cranky getting hung up on Fluttershy's gender, or the story closing on the candle angle, don't make any sense with that interpretation. Is there some other interpretation I'm missing? Probably, but, well, I'm missing it.
So in the end, I'm kind of baffled about what this story is supposed to be about, and that makes it hard for me to speak intelligently about what would improve it. What I can say, though, is that there's some great humor in the way you mix love and hate with contrasts like "Cranky became more and more convinced that he hadn’t met a pony with whom he shared so little in common, and whose presence he detested so indubitably. At the end of their conversation, he was nearly in tears of gratitude for her appearance," and that (ignoring for a moment the stuff I mentioned in the first paragraph) your narration has a pleasantly languid yet evocative quality, even if I'm often not quite sure what it's evoking. There are plenty of good things here to build on, is my point, even if I'm not sure exactly how to help you stack them into the building you're trying to make.
This post is a public commitment to write something, and critique/review any other writers' somethings. Because if I don't force myself to be publicly accountable, I will slack.
SO NOW YOU CAN'T SLACK, FUTURE CHRIS. GOOD LUCK BUDDY-BOY.
Also I won't actually offer meaningful critique of any art that's made because I don't know enough to speak intelligently about it, but I will ooh and ahh appreciatively at any pictures that get drawn.
SO NOW YOU CAN'T SLACK, FUTURE CHRIS. GOOD LUCK BUDDY-BOY.
Also I won't actually offer meaningful critique of any art that's made because I don't know enough to speak intelligently about it, but I will ooh and ahh appreciatively at any pictures that get drawn.
The Circle and the Cross Retrospective
Hey, so, I've been meaning to do this for almost a week, but despite the Coronavirus closing everything, I've been kept really busy with my work. Turns out that when you're a teacher and your school's not set up for e-learning, a sudden shift to "actually, why don't you all go figure out how to teach your classes online now, kay?" comes with some hiccups. Who knew?
Anyway, this story! I actually started with a completely different idea for this event, but after I wrote 3000-odd words of it and slept on it, I realized it was a wandering, pointless thing, and started over. My second idea I got about 1200 words into before I came to the sad conclusion that I had kind of a fun gimmick, but not actually a story. So I trashed that, too.
This was attempt number three.
As I said in my dummy review, I felt like the biggest weakness here was that it was a x-is-a-changeling fic, at its core: Rarity isn't a pony, reveals she isn't a pony, her friends are some degree of welcoming/understanding, the end. The fact that there's a 5000-word bait-and-switch at the start, where it looks like the mystery is something else entirely, doesn't really change that fact, IMO. Still, lots of people like those stories, even if they have been done to death! Maybe that's something. I dunno, I'm honestly still deciding how I feel about this fic. If nothing else, it was fun to write Rarity this way (even if I didn't nail her voice everywhere), and to see how much I could cover up with her narrative style.
On to specific replies:
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you! Nice to hear that landed.
>>Baal Bunny
I had the idea when I was writing this story that the protagonist's identity could be a sort of "opening mystery" to get the reader drawn in. With the benefit of hindsight, I'm not seeing a lot of value to that, though, so... yeah, you're right. I'll make it clear earlier if I put this on FiMFic, or if nothing else, use the story's description to give the reader that much.
>>Chris
ur dum :P
>>Comma Typer
Glad you liked it! Very glad you and others didn't think the distractions were too cheap; I was worried about that, but it sounds like I hit a reasonably good balance.
>>Bachiavellian
See, these were the kind of concerns I was expecting more of in the reviews. I agree that the core of this fic isn't particularly original, but the big problem I'm beating my head against is that the things you're suggesting to build out (how this works logically, family relations, etc.) lean into the least original parts of the story! So I'm worried that following those threads just makes this more of an x-is-a-changeling fic, if you get me. I dunno, I'm still thinking about it. Glad you mostly liked the narration though, and if I find a way to beat this into shape, I'll definitely be cognizant of the blocks of description!
>>Rao
If you really want to know who: the rest are all ponies. The flash is Twilight casting a disintegration spell on the evil monster, and the fic ends with Rarity's death, the last thing she ever sees a flash of light from Twilight's horn.
Okay, that's probably not it. Glad I could get your juices flowing, though, and thanks for the comments!
Hey, so, I've been meaning to do this for almost a week, but despite the Coronavirus closing everything, I've been kept really busy with my work. Turns out that when you're a teacher and your school's not set up for e-learning, a sudden shift to "actually, why don't you all go figure out how to teach your classes online now, kay?" comes with some hiccups. Who knew?
Anyway, this story! I actually started with a completely different idea for this event, but after I wrote 3000-odd words of it and slept on it, I realized it was a wandering, pointless thing, and started over. My second idea I got about 1200 words into before I came to the sad conclusion that I had kind of a fun gimmick, but not actually a story. So I trashed that, too.
This was attempt number three.
As I said in my dummy review, I felt like the biggest weakness here was that it was a x-is-a-changeling fic, at its core: Rarity isn't a pony, reveals she isn't a pony, her friends are some degree of welcoming/understanding, the end. The fact that there's a 5000-word bait-and-switch at the start, where it looks like the mystery is something else entirely, doesn't really change that fact, IMO. Still, lots of people like those stories, even if they have been done to death! Maybe that's something. I dunno, I'm honestly still deciding how I feel about this fic. If nothing else, it was fun to write Rarity this way (even if I didn't nail her voice everywhere), and to see how much I could cover up with her narrative style.
On to specific replies:
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you! Nice to hear that landed.
>>Baal Bunny
I had the idea when I was writing this story that the protagonist's identity could be a sort of "opening mystery" to get the reader drawn in. With the benefit of hindsight, I'm not seeing a lot of value to that, though, so... yeah, you're right. I'll make it clear earlier if I put this on FiMFic, or if nothing else, use the story's description to give the reader that much.
>>Chris
ur dum :P
>>Comma Typer
Glad you liked it! Very glad you and others didn't think the distractions were too cheap; I was worried about that, but it sounds like I hit a reasonably good balance.
>>Bachiavellian
See, these were the kind of concerns I was expecting more of in the reviews. I agree that the core of this fic isn't particularly original, but the big problem I'm beating my head against is that the things you're suggesting to build out (how this works logically, family relations, etc.) lean into the least original parts of the story! So I'm worried that following those threads just makes this more of an x-is-a-changeling fic, if you get me. I dunno, I'm still thinking about it. Glad you mostly liked the narration though, and if I find a way to beat this into shape, I'll definitely be cognizant of the blocks of description!
>>Rao
If you really want to know who: the rest are all ponies. The flash is Twilight casting a disintegration spell on the evil monster, and the fic ends with Rarity's death, the last thing she ever sees a flash of light from Twilight's horn.
Okay, that's probably not it. Glad I could get your juices flowing, though, and thanks for the comments!
So, I’m all done reviewing/ranking/author guessing now! But I thought I’d do one more thing, here.
See, I’m a big believer in the importance of beginnings and endings. A good first line hooks the reader right into your world, and sets them up for what’s to come. A good last line cements a story in the reader’s mind, and ensures they won’t forget your fic ten minutes after they’ve read it. So I’m gonna go through every story’s opening sentence or three (as decided by me, what constitutes the “first line”), and their closing sentence or three (ditto), and tell you what I think of them. I’ll spoiler-text the last last lines, and anything else that feels spoilery, and we’ll see what I have to say. As with my regular reviews, feel free to disagree and/or ignore; openings and closings can be such personal things, that peoples' opinions are bound to differ.
So, in the order I reviewed them:
Well It Starts As A Joke…
It's very catchy and hook-y, but I don't know that it sets up the tone or narrator well. Because Scootaloo's voicing is all over the place in the fic, this isn't able to "set" her voice for me. And since it doesn't sound like Scoots from the show, it doesn't build character right away. If Scoots' voicing was more consistent throughout your fic (something for when you edit!), this would be a lot stronger, but even now, it's got a lot going for it in the drag-the-reader-in category.
I didn't remember this was how the fic ended until I re-read it just now, so, not a great sign for memorability there :( Problem is, you've got one nice joke in the reveal that Scoot's isn't talking to the Pink Pony we might guess she is, but that doesn't have much to do with the plot, it doesn't tie anything together (how they got the bottle was such a tangential bit to begin with), and then the bean joke and the nothingburger of a last word just do nothing. If you made Ruby more important to the story, you could still end on that note with this kind of structure, but I'd definitely rethink the content of this closer, if I was you.
Daring Do and the Greatest Adventure
The significance of those last two lines is lost on the reader at the time, most likely, but they'll pay dividends in a bit. That's mostly how I'd describe this opening; it doesn't draw me in, but it feels very appropriate in hindsight. In that sense, you're setting up the reader well, but maybe not hooking them as strongly as you could.
I love that reveal, and how it takes some of the sting out of Daring's decision. She still has to give up some things, but not everything, you know? And of course, it's sweet in the same way the rest of the fic is. Good thematic reinforcement, while offering juuust enough of a twist to feel playful.
Kill All Bugs
The first quote does some nice work; it sets up the pastiche and preps us for changelings. But the actual content feels strangely irrelevant? If this story was in some way about the importance of generalization, or if there was something in your backstory/setup that made the weakness of a non-hybridized army a point, I'd get it more. Here, it feels like you just picked it because it was from the right book and had the right animal, which is pretty surface-level; whether it's adaptring the story to the quote or finding a better quote for the story, I wonder if you can make this set up your fic even better.
Great whammy line, and closing on the prompt is never a terrible idea. The only question I have with it is that it feels so anti-war in a story that doesn't really have any anti-war themes (or pro-war, particularly. Like I said in my review, theme this baby up!). This whole story is about a raid on a semi-neutral third party for purely political purposes. That Moondancer died fighting someone at least two, maybe three degrees separated from Equestria's war, all because someone upstairs thought it might help with negotiations, is much more Forever War than it is Starship Troopers. And if that's where this story ends up going, that's an amazing ending. But if you aren't going for anti-war-from-ground-level, then this isn't the way to finish out. All depends on what you see this story as meaning, really.
The Lizard of Ot
My only problem with this is that ("unshaven" notwithstanding"), those first two words feel like one of the FlimFlam brothers talking. Love Spike's response though, and love the humor of the narration; it sets up the kind of humor you gird the story with well.
This would be a stronger ending if we'd built up at all to Spike being "always on." That's something you could work into the story in a couple of places with minimal effort when you edit; I'd definitely consider setting up how Twi's promotion keeps him busy with this sort of thing. Other than that, this does feel anticlimactic because of how quickly the story resolves ahead of it, but like I said in my review, I also think that's appropriate to the story you're telling.
Belshazzar
I can't tell if the lack of period is deliberate, to create more of a stream-of-consciousness feel, or if it's just an accident. Since you don't seem to do it elsewhere, it leads me to suspect the latter (and if not, the failure to do it elsewhere still makes it a bad idea IMO). Either way, as an opening, it doesn't tell me what to expect, which I tend to feel is not the way to start a fic-opening dream sequence. I'd rather you gave me something more solid, then subverted it; that lets me know that things aren't as they seem while still hooking me in, instead of having me open by questioning whether you're doing this because you're clever or because you're a bad writer.
To be clear, you're not a bad writer :) All I'm saying is, don't let your opening give me an excuse to wonder if you are!
I hesitate to say too much about this ending, because the fact that it doesn't pack much punch to me is mostly to do with the rest of the story, rather than the ending itself. You're closing on potentially tragic imagery, but you just gave me 8000 other words of potentially tragic imagery, most of which was imaginary, and that weakens this ending. And because your writing style doesn't change, you end up implying by construction that everything after Twi wakes up is also imaginary, Inception-style, which takes even more of the punch out of it. In a slightly different context, this could be deliciously tragic, but right now, it's overwhelmed by what comes before. So that's where I'd start tinkering, not here.
The Circle and the Cross
As I said in my review, super meta. I like it, but I also wonder if it's a good setup for your fic, which is mostly drama, when it leads the reader to expect something more silly. Also, this probably won't land so well outside of a contest context; something to consider when you're editing this for elewhere.
Syrupy-sweet, as you no doubt intended. After all that suspense, it feels good to end on something wholesome. I wish you told us who and what, but that's a wish you're absolutely right not to grant, so... yeah! A pleasant way to end, that ties right back into the prompt.
Wotchmen
See, that's just funny, and I love it. Doesn't tell us much about the setting or plot, no, but it's very hook-y, and clever in a way that's immediately appreciable. Plus, it does set up the tone, albeit in ways that aren't immediately obvious. I like this one.
As I alluded to in my review, this would be a lot stronger if it had anything to do with Ot, since we were just introduced to the idea that Ot needs a friend and all. But instead, it feels to me like it's applying the right lesson in the wrong place, so to speak. Poly feeling uncertain about her friend-level based on her backstor is something you only really started setting up a few paragraphs beforehand; addressing that at the end doesn't feel like a resolution to either the emotional or the event-level stuff this fic was all about.
Overtime
Never a bad idea to start with an open-ended question. It basically forces the reader on for a couple more paragraphs, which gives you time to introduce a character or event and give me something to care about. It's a pretty generic opening, but that doesn't mean it's not perfectly fine for what it is. This is a solid single, rather than a homerun, but there's a lot of value to hitting a single when you're leading off.
It's a nice, jokey line to end on after the higher drama of the standoff, so tone-wise this is good. The fact that it calls back to her not getting paid makes it almost feel like that's an important plot point instead of a throwaway, though, and if it's an important plot point then I admit that that sailed right over my head. Readers assume that whatever you're ending on carries particular weight, even if you don't necessarily mean for it to!
Obsolete Thaumatology
It's 99% great, so I'm only going to mention the one part I'd change; "Uh," sounds to me like a "duh" opening, i.e. casual insulting. I feel like SS should be more prickly/bristly, or at least less casual, based on the rest of your fic. It's tough to communicate tone in your very first words, so I'd play around with that if I were you. But beyond that, nice little bit of conversational humor to open on!
I already said everything I had to say about the last line in my review, so... go re-read that, I guess!
The Odd Testament
It's a great opening... as long as the tone of your fic stays irreverent and crass (ties in with my "this'd be a great minific" thoughts, FWIW). It sets a tone immediately, and the internal contrast between biblical and swearing may be shooting fish in a barrel, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work!
By contrast, I feel this isn't nearly as strong as your first line, because setting up Satan as a chess-master-y manipulator doesn't match what you've been doing with most of the rest of the fic. It doesn't have a lot of payoff; though you could read that ending as a joke, the more serious way you've portrayed him makes it feel almost serious--at least, in contrast to the rest of the fic, and that's what matters. I've already talked about where I'd end the story, but regardless, I think you want to close on a "incompetent deities +curse words" note, because that's your schtick here.
See, I’m a big believer in the importance of beginnings and endings. A good first line hooks the reader right into your world, and sets them up for what’s to come. A good last line cements a story in the reader’s mind, and ensures they won’t forget your fic ten minutes after they’ve read it. So I’m gonna go through every story’s opening sentence or three (as decided by me, what constitutes the “first line”), and their closing sentence or three (ditto), and tell you what I think of them. I’ll spoiler-text the last last lines, and anything else that feels spoilery, and we’ll see what I have to say. As with my regular reviews, feel free to disagree and/or ignore; openings and closings can be such personal things, that peoples' opinions are bound to differ.
So, in the order I reviewed them:
Well It Starts As A Joke…
Right, so this is the story of that one time me and the girls got absolutely clobbered.
It's very catchy and hook-y, but I don't know that it sets up the tone or narrator well. Because Scootaloo's voicing is all over the place in the fic, this isn't able to "set" her voice for me. And since it doesn't sound like Scoots from the show, it doesn't build character right away. If Scoots' voicing was more consistent throughout your fic (something for when you edit!), this would be a lot stronger, but even now, it's got a lot going for it in the drag-the-reader-in category.
“And that,” she said to the snoring mare next to her, “is why I’m in your house Ms. Punch.” She shifted slightly, getting comfortable. “And why I owe your daughter a kidney.”
She frowned, glancing up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Not sure why she wants one bean so bad but, well,” she shrugs and closes her eyes.
“Whatever.”
I didn't remember this was how the fic ended until I re-read it just now, so, not a great sign for memorability there :( Problem is, you've got one nice joke in the reveal that Scoot's isn't talking to the Pink Pony we might guess she is, but that doesn't have much to do with the plot, it doesn't tie anything together (how they got the bottle was such a tangential bit to begin with), and then the bean joke and the nothingburger of a last word just do nothing. If you made Ruby more important to the story, you could still end on that note with this kind of structure, but I'd definitely rethink the content of this closer, if I was you.
Daring Do and the Greatest Adventure
Daring Do pored over the ancient codex. It was a secondhoof copy of a thirdhoof account, but she'd worked with far worse and still uncovered more than one ancient treasure that could've spelled the end of the world. Compared to the Voyneigh Manuscript, this was foal's—
She winced. Okay, bad phrasing, but the point stood.
The significance of those last two lines is lost on the reader at the time, most likely, but they'll pay dividends in a bit. That's mostly how I'd describe this opening; it doesn't draw me in, but it feels very appropriate in hindsight. In that sense, you're setting up the reader well, but maybe not hooking them as strongly as you could.
She grinned, then considered the Diadem of Pansy in one corner. Retrieving it had nearly made her miss Last's third birthday party. "Don't I know it."
I love that reveal, and how it takes some of the sting out of Daring's decision. She still has to give up some things, but not everything, you know? And of course, it's sweet in the same way the rest of the fic is. Good thematic reinforcement, while offering juuust enough of a twist to feel playful.
Kill All Bugs
“Specialization is for insects.”
— Robert A. Heinlein
The first quote does some nice work; it sets up the pastiche and preps us for changelings. But the actual content feels strangely irrelevant? If this story was in some way about the importance of generalization, or if there was something in your backstory/setup that made the weakness of a non-hybridized army a point, I'd get it more. Here, it feels like you just picked it because it was from the right book and had the right animal, which is pretty surface-level; whether it's adaptring the story to the quote or finding a better quote for the story, I wonder if you can make this set up your fic even better.
Moondancer died on the way up.
Optrunco Thysanoptera.
Great whammy line, and closing on the prompt is never a terrible idea. The only question I have with it is that it feels so anti-war in a story that doesn't really have any anti-war themes (or pro-war, particularly. Like I said in my review, theme this baby up!). This whole story is about a raid on a semi-neutral third party for purely political purposes. That Moondancer died fighting someone at least two, maybe three degrees separated from Equestria's war, all because someone upstairs thought it might help with negotiations, is much more Forever War than it is Starship Troopers. And if that's where this story ends up going, that's an amazing ending. But if you aren't going for anti-war-from-ground-level, then this isn't the way to finish out. All depends on what you see this story as meaning, really.
The Lizard of Ot
"Treasures unfathomable!" the unshaven stallion peering from the shadowy alleyway hissed.
"Really." Spike didn't even bother putting a question mark at the end.
My only problem with this is that ("unshaven" notwithstanding"), those first two words feel like one of the FlimFlam brothers talking. Love Spike's response though, and love the humor of the narration; it sets up the kind of humor you gird the story with well.
"Be right back," Spike said, and started out.
A Friendship Ambassador's duties were never done...
This would be a stronger ending if we'd built up at all to Spike being "always on." That's something you could work into the story in a couple of places with minimal effort when you edit; I'd definitely consider setting up how Twi's promotion keeps him busy with this sort of thing. Other than that, this does feel anticlimactic because of how quickly the story resolves ahead of it, but like I said in my review, I also think that's appropriate to the story you're telling.
Belshazzar
Her eyes squeeze, closed the whole time
I can't tell if the lack of period is deliberate, to create more of a stream-of-consciousness feel, or if it's just an accident. Since you don't seem to do it elsewhere, it leads me to suspect the latter (and if not, the failure to do it elsewhere still makes it a bad idea IMO). Either way, as an opening, it doesn't tell me what to expect, which I tend to feel is not the way to start a fic-opening dream sequence. I'd rather you gave me something more solid, then subverted it; that lets me know that things aren't as they seem while still hooking me in, instead of having me open by questioning whether you're doing this because you're clever or because you're a bad writer.
To be clear, you're not a bad writer :) All I'm saying is, don't let your opening give me an excuse to wonder if you are!
Twilight keeps falling.
The last thing they hear before the unbridgeable chasm closes is one last cry.
I hesitate to say too much about this ending, because the fact that it doesn't pack much punch to me is mostly to do with the rest of the story, rather than the ending itself. You're closing on potentially tragic imagery, but you just gave me 8000 other words of potentially tragic imagery, most of which was imaginary, and that weakens this ending. And because your writing style doesn't change, you end up implying by construction that everything after Twi wakes up is also imaginary, Inception-style, which takes even more of the punch out of it. In a slightly different context, this could be deliciously tragic, but right now, it's overwhelmed by what comes before. So that's where I'd start tinkering, not here.
The Circle and the Cross
This isn’t a story of distant shores. It isn’t a story of far-flung lands, nor of exotic locales. This isn’t a story of the places that lie at the edge of the map. It’s not even a story about coming home, and leaving those faraway lands behind.
This is a story about a circle and a cross.
As I said in my review, super meta. I like it, but I also wonder if it's a good setup for your fic, which is mostly drama, when it leads the reader to expect something more silly. Also, this probably won't land so well outside of a contest context; something to consider when you're editing this for elewhere.
For a long moment, we look at each other in silence.
And then, to my joy, I’m blinded by a flash of light.
Syrupy-sweet, as you no doubt intended. After all that suspense, it feels good to end on something wholesome. I wish you told us who and what, but that's a wish you're absolutely right not to grant, so... yeah! A pleasant way to end, that ties right back into the prompt.
Wotchmen
Ot all started with a typo.
See, that's just funny, and I love it. Doesn't tell us much about the setting or plot, no, but it's very hook-y, and clever in a way that's immediately appreciable. Plus, it does set up the tone, albeit in ways that aren't immediately obvious. I like this one.
"Well," he whispered back, "what else are friends for?"
As I alluded to in my review, this would be a lot stronger if it had anything to do with Ot, since we were just introduced to the idea that Ot needs a friend and all. But instead, it feels to me like it's applying the right lesson in the wrong place, so to speak. Poly feeling uncertain about her friend-level based on her backstor is something you only really started setting up a few paragraphs beforehand; addressing that at the end doesn't feel like a resolution to either the emotional or the event-level stuff this fic was all about.
Overtime
Why was she doing this?
Never a bad idea to start with an open-ended question. It basically forces the reader on for a couple more paragraphs, which gives you time to introduce a character or event and give me something to care about. It's a pretty generic opening, but that doesn't mean it's not perfectly fine for what it is. This is a solid single, rather than a homerun, but there's a lot of value to hitting a single when you're leading off.
“Well, you’re the one that wanted OT,” joked the sergeant.
“Yeah. I guess I did. I’m getting paid for this, right?”
It's a nice, jokey line to end on after the higher drama of the standoff, so tone-wise this is good. The fact that it calls back to her not getting paid makes it almost feel like that's an important plot point instead of a throwaway, though, and if it's an important plot point then I admit that that sailed right over my head. Readers assume that whatever you're ending on carries particular weight, even if you don't necessarily mean for it to!
Obsolete Thaumatology
“Last name?” asked the disinterested-looking receptionist.
“Uh, how about, ‘the Bearded?’”
It's 99% great, so I'm only going to mention the one part I'd change; "Uh," sounds to me like a "duh" opening, i.e. casual insulting. I feel like SS should be more prickly/bristly, or at least less casual, based on the rest of your fic. It's tough to communicate tone in your very first words, so I'd play around with that if I were you. But beyond that, nice little bit of conversational humor to open on!
“That sounds delightful,” said Star Swirl.
And for the rest of the afternoon, he thoroughly forgot all about spells and research and studying.
I already said everything I had to say about the last line in my review, so... go re-read that, I guess!
The Odd Testament
In the beginning was the Word. And the word was “FUCK!”
It's a great opening... as long as the tone of your fic stays irreverent and crass (ties in with my "this'd be a great minific" thoughts, FWIW). It sets a tone immediately, and the internal contrast between biblical and swearing may be shooting fish in a barrel, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work!
And when the glorious and terrible end finally came for this Cosmos, he was sure it would be riding both a pale and a dark horse.
By contrast, I feel this isn't nearly as strong as your first line, because setting up Satan as a chess-master-y manipulator doesn't match what you've been doing with most of the rest of the fic. It doesn't have a lot of payoff; though you could read that ending as a joke, the more serious way you've portrayed him makes it feel almost serious--at least, in contrast to the rest of the fic, and that's what matters. I've already talked about where I'd end the story, but regardless, I think you want to close on a "incompetent deities +curse words" note, because that's your schtick here.
Honestly, this feels like it would work best as a minific. You could end it at the first soft break, and have a complete comedic arc. Everything after that... don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about it, but it seems to me you're mostly doing two things. First, extending the original joke of C&L being stuck making the best of our absentee deity's half-cocked plans, which isn't terrible, but does get a little repetitive. And second, doing the whole "Satan" thing, which isn't bad in a vacuum, but feels to me like it pulls against the original joke.
Because that joke is how C&L are much more competent than Y, and how his universe is a poorly-designed murder-sex-monkey dystopia. But then everything with Satan is about how C&L are actually super incompetent themselves, which undermines the joking about the setup of this universe that Y left them.
You could expand that into more of a "all gods are incompetent" idea, if you wanted. But honestly, I feel like you've got a great, punchy minific on your hands, and that you'd be better served making your first joke land and land hard than on expanding the backend. Whether you agree or not, though, there's certainly no question that you've got some fun ideas here!
Because that joke is how C&L are much more competent than Y, and how his universe is a poorly-designed murder-sex-monkey dystopia. But then everything with Satan is about how C&L are actually super incompetent themselves, which undermines the joking about the setup of this universe that Y left them.
You could expand that into more of a "all gods are incompetent" idea, if you wanted. But honestly, I feel like you've got a great, punchy minific on your hands, and that you'd be better served making your first joke land and land hard than on expanding the backend. Whether you agree or not, though, there's certainly no question that you've got some fun ideas here!
What a sweet little fic! It's clever how you turn stasis into a crisis from an angle I haven't seen before, and yet it also feels relatable; at least in my profession, that feeling of giving(/trying to give) someone the tools to succeed and seeing them do nothing with them is a common one. Here, it's writ large, and with it that question that always follows: is it they who aren't using the tools? Or is it me who didn't actually give them what they needed? That's heavy stuff, but the SoL tone serves you well here, keeping this from getting maudlin.
As a nitpick, I think the last line almost works, but is just slightly off; it's trying to tie back that SS being forgotten is a good thing, I get that, but since we specifically brought up the examples of the inventors of important base elements (wheels and whatnot), and since the line references base elements, it comes off to me as trying to bury the important of those elements, rather than their inventors. The wheel's still important, you know? It's just that we do so much more interesting stuff with it now, that the "wheel" part doesn't excite any more. Likewise, SS's contributions are still important--they should just be so basic as to barely be worth mentioning. Maybe something to fiddle with, to tie the bow up that much neater at the end.
But as I say, that's getting kinda nitpicky. Overall, I really enjoyed this story, both its idea and its tone.
As a nitpick, I think the last line almost works, but is just slightly off; it's trying to tie back that SS being forgotten is a good thing, I get that, but since we specifically brought up the examples of the inventors of important base elements (wheels and whatnot), and since the line references base elements, it comes off to me as trying to bury the important of those elements, rather than their inventors. The wheel's still important, you know? It's just that we do so much more interesting stuff with it now, that the "wheel" part doesn't excite any more. Likewise, SS's contributions are still important--they should just be so basic as to barely be worth mentioning. Maybe something to fiddle with, to tie the bow up that much neater at the end.
But as I say, that's getting kinda nitpicky. Overall, I really enjoyed this story, both its idea and its tone.
Put me in the same "not pony" category as everyone else. So instead of that, I want to talk about something else: message.
What am I supposed to take out of this story? Is it about Whitey? Because right now I feel bad for her, but you aren't placing her for me. She's broke, but do you want me to feel like this is suffering that she rises above? Do you want me to be angry at the injustice of unpaid/underpaid cops in general, with her representing their plight? Do you want me to think that she's made bad decisions in the past that have put her here, and see this episode as a/the moment that she rises above her history and starts moving forward?
Or is this a story about rural life? Should I be thinking about Lucky and how the way impoverished people in distant communities don't have the resources to get aid, and resort to drugs and violence in a vicious cycle? Should I be thinking about the nameless mother, and how non-urban domestic abuse victims often have nowhere to go? Is this a story where Whitey is a camera to show us the desperation of life in a region that feels it's been forgotten by the rest of the world?
Whatever it is, right now I'm not getting it. And as a result, this "just" feels like a generic cop drama, and not a meaningful episode. It's engaging generic cop drama, but what I'm saying is that if you give me an angle to approach this from, it'll resonate with me that much more strongly. But hey, you've already got the drama down; now it's just a matter of putting it to use!
What am I supposed to take out of this story? Is it about Whitey? Because right now I feel bad for her, but you aren't placing her for me. She's broke, but do you want me to feel like this is suffering that she rises above? Do you want me to be angry at the injustice of unpaid/underpaid cops in general, with her representing their plight? Do you want me to think that she's made bad decisions in the past that have put her here, and see this episode as a/the moment that she rises above her history and starts moving forward?
Or is this a story about rural life? Should I be thinking about Lucky and how the way impoverished people in distant communities don't have the resources to get aid, and resort to drugs and violence in a vicious cycle? Should I be thinking about the nameless mother, and how non-urban domestic abuse victims often have nowhere to go? Is this a story where Whitey is a camera to show us the desperation of life in a region that feels it's been forgotten by the rest of the world?
Whatever it is, right now I'm not getting it. And as a result, this "just" feels like a generic cop drama, and not a meaningful episode. It's engaging generic cop drama, but what I'm saying is that if you give me an angle to approach this from, it'll resonate with me that much more strongly. But hey, you've already got the drama down; now it's just a matter of putting it to use!
I liked everything about this story except two of its core features. So, let's start with those.
First, the setting. I am just completely baffled by it. It's... it's 20 years in the future, except it's set in a world where humanity has expanded to the stars, but also it's MLP-world, and also it's maybe a Superhero RPG where everyone's aware they're characters and know their level/tier the same way they know their GPA? None of this makes sense to me, and the combination of it makes no sense to me, and I'm just completely bouncing off whatever you're trying to do here because I can't figure out what it is you're trying to do here.
Second, the ending I notice you're up near 8000 words. Did you run out of room and cut this short? Because you spend a bunch of the fic setting up this whole thing with Ot having a personality, then we get the big reveal that it's lonely... and then instead of dealing with that in any way, you just shunt Ot to the side and end on Apocolyptica's suicide-but-not-really-because-she's-just-deleting-a-backup-file, while she comforts maybe the fourth most-important character in the fic. It feels like you forgot what your story was about, but I wonder if you were just rushing to put a bow on something that was sprawling on you. Either way, it didn't land for me, because it felt like you ended on a sidelight to the story, without ever getting to an actual conclusion.
So, that's two big paragraphs of "I didn't like it." But basically everything else was great! The individual pieces of worldbuilding were fantastic, and when I stopped trying to fit them into a coherent or comprehensible setting, things like Apocalyptica's backstory or Stella's Ot-testing were super-enjoyable. You managed to make both Polly (totally what the ponies would start calling her, don't you dare disagree) and Mikhael highly memorable (and the latter highly entertaining) in few words. And if I find the setting and worldbuilding incomprehensible, I found the aesthetic and tone both immediately graspable and very appealing.
So even though I have no idea what this world even is or what you were going for at the end, I still enjoyed this. And that, I think, is high praise indeed.
First, the setting. I am just completely baffled by it. It's... it's 20 years in the future, except it's set in a world where humanity has expanded to the stars, but also it's MLP-world, and also it's maybe a Superhero RPG where everyone's aware they're characters and know their level/tier the same way they know their GPA? None of this makes sense to me, and the combination of it makes no sense to me, and I'm just completely bouncing off whatever you're trying to do here because I can't figure out what it is you're trying to do here.
Second, the ending I notice you're up near 8000 words. Did you run out of room and cut this short? Because you spend a bunch of the fic setting up this whole thing with Ot having a personality, then we get the big reveal that it's lonely... and then instead of dealing with that in any way, you just shunt Ot to the side and end on Apocolyptica's suicide-but-not-really-because-she's-just-deleting-a-backup-file, while she comforts maybe the fourth most-important character in the fic. It feels like you forgot what your story was about, but I wonder if you were just rushing to put a bow on something that was sprawling on you. Either way, it didn't land for me, because it felt like you ended on a sidelight to the story, without ever getting to an actual conclusion.
So, that's two big paragraphs of "I didn't like it." But basically everything else was great! The individual pieces of worldbuilding were fantastic, and when I stopped trying to fit them into a coherent or comprehensible setting, things like Apocalyptica's backstory or Stella's Ot-testing were super-enjoyable. You managed to make both Polly (totally what the ponies would start calling her, don't you dare disagree) and Mikhael highly memorable (and the latter highly entertaining) in few words. And if I find the setting and worldbuilding incomprehensible, I found the aesthetic and tone both immediately graspable and very appealing.
So even though I have no idea what this world even is or what you were going for at the end, I still enjoyed this. And that, I think, is high praise indeed.
This isn’t a story of distant shores.
And the award for "Most meta first sentence" goes to... (Seriously, though, I'm better than 70% sure I know who wrote this just from the opening few paragraphs, what with how they're booping the prompt around like that)
Anyway! I think the thing I like best about this story is how I've read it a bunch of times before, but from a different perspective. There are a lot of horror stories that would write this from Forbes's PoV, where he's an explorer who encounters a mysterious stranger while out in the middle of nowhere, then slowly discovers more and more disconcerting things about her until he pieces together that she's something that's liable to eat him. It's even got the attempted flight and final confrontation of the truth! This story goes in a rather different direction from there, of course, but my point is that by telling it from her perspective instead of his, it feels fresh. On the other hand, the biggest weakness here is how I've read this story a bunch of times before. I can't help feeling that this is another "X is a changeling" fic in a clever disguise.
Nice work!
I think, in the end, that most of what I could/would say about this story has already been said (especial hat tip to >>FanOfMostEverything, who fit more good advice in that first paragraph of his than I can into three). I was along for the ride at first, but the narrative just stays dreamlike, to the point where I found it incredibly difficult not to start skimming--doubly so because I found my enjoyment actually increased when I was skimming, and just taking in the general tone and major events rather than trying to suss out anything more. There's nothing wrong with writing skim-worthy material, of course... but I very much get the impression that that wasn't what you were going for.
There are some things here, especially once we get to Discord and stakes and that whole area of the fic, that could make for powerful moments, if they didn't feel like just another hazy event in a line of hazy events. Honestly, you've already got a lot of good advice from the previous commenters, so I'm just going to point upthread, and tell you that there's some great suggestions there for how to take this from "evocative but ephemeral" to "arresting and thought-provoking." You're on the right track; keep going!
There are some things here, especially once we get to Discord and stakes and that whole area of the fic, that could make for powerful moments, if they didn't feel like just another hazy event in a line of hazy events. Honestly, you've already got a lot of good advice from the previous commenters, so I'm just going to point upthread, and tell you that there's some great suggestions there for how to take this from "evocative but ephemeral" to "arresting and thought-provoking." You're on the right track; keep going!
As the folks above me alluded to, this is a charming, wholesome story that makes me feel good for having read it. And I like feeling good. So... good!
There's a lot of nice humor around the edges here (that question mark calling-back is just my kind of humor), and I actually didn't mind Twi's essential assumptions of good will/fangirling overriding her common sense, but I wish we'd gotten more Spike/Cabby interactions. You could have given us some of those Ot stories, for example, and actually shown Spike coming to marginally appreciate Cabby's company, rather than just telling us they worked together. The ending with the Lizard is also rather short, but in that case, I think that gives it a very appropriate feeling of anticlimax, so I ended up appreciating that choice.
All in all, a sweet little bit of writing. Good stuff.
There's a lot of nice humor around the edges here (that question mark calling-back is just my kind of humor), and I actually didn't mind Twi's essential assumptions of good will/fangirling overriding her common sense, but I wish we'd gotten more Spike/Cabby interactions. You could have given us some of those Ot stories, for example, and actually shown Spike coming to marginally appreciate Cabby's company, rather than just telling us they worked together. The ending with the Lizard is also rather short, but in that case, I think that gives it a very appropriate feeling of anticlimax, so I ended up appreciating that choice.
All in all, a sweet little bit of writing. Good stuff.
So, writing-wise, this is great. A strong Heinlein pastiche, without just mindlessly aping the style. Not my favorite style, personally, but that's pure individual preference, and I'm giving you full points for the writing accomplishments. But once I get past the surface appeal, I'm struggling.
Because, say what you want about Heinlein's politics (and I've got plenty to say about that), there was never any question what the message of his writing was. Starship Troopers is a polemic, of course, but even in his less strident stories, the themes of libertarianism and individual social obligation are right there. Here, I got nothing. You took a fight scene, and gave me the event-context to understand why the ponies are attacking, but didn't give me the idea-context I'd need to take anything away from that.
I'm also having trouble with the point of writing it as FiM-fiction. It's not for the setting, since you're basically just using Troopers's. It's not the themes, since as mentioned, you don't really seem to have any. It's not the characters either, as far as I can tell; recasting Moondancer as drill-sergeant-style taskmaster and Twilight as a faceless grunt whose defining characteristic appears to be her horniness... that's fine as far as it goes, but it makes me wonder: if you're not using pony characters, and you're not using pony setting, and you're not using pony themes, what are you using?
Maybe I'm missing something obvious. I have definitely been known to do that sometimes! But right now, I'm looking at this as a very well-written scene that doesn't do anything, and that doesn't take advantage of the strongest pieces of either of its sources material.
Because, say what you want about Heinlein's politics (and I've got plenty to say about that), there was never any question what the message of his writing was. Starship Troopers is a polemic, of course, but even in his less strident stories, the themes of libertarianism and individual social obligation are right there. Here, I got nothing. You took a fight scene, and gave me the event-context to understand why the ponies are attacking, but didn't give me the idea-context I'd need to take anything away from that.
I'm also having trouble with the point of writing it as FiM-fiction. It's not for the setting, since you're basically just using Troopers's. It's not the themes, since as mentioned, you don't really seem to have any. It's not the characters either, as far as I can tell; recasting Moondancer as drill-sergeant-style taskmaster and Twilight as a faceless grunt whose defining characteristic appears to be her horniness... that's fine as far as it goes, but it makes me wonder: if you're not using pony characters, and you're not using pony setting, and you're not using pony themes, what are you using?
Maybe I'm missing something obvious. I have definitely been known to do that sometimes! But right now, I'm looking at this as a very well-written scene that doesn't do anything, and that doesn't take advantage of the strongest pieces of either of its sources material.
A lovely little story about how expanding one's responsibilities may mean giving some things up, but doesn't mean we lose what's important to us. Having a child is a big responsibility, and sometimes it might mean that you aren't able to do something nobody else can. Good thing you're wrong about that, eh? You manage to make being replaceable uplifting in this fic; good job there!
The husband-wife banter did feel a little artificial in places; I'm not entirely sure what was nagging at me, but I think it's that the conversation felt a little too long to be read as anything but genuine conversation (i.e. it wasn't to-the-point enough to feel like something I should pass off as dramatic license), but didn't really have the kind of digressions that a real conversation would have; even the sidebars end up feeding into the larger narrative. Does that make sense?
Regardless, I still enjoyed the message, and the chemistry. Nice work!
The husband-wife banter did feel a little artificial in places; I'm not entirely sure what was nagging at me, but I think it's that the conversation felt a little too long to be read as anything but genuine conversation (i.e. it wasn't to-the-point enough to feel like something I should pass off as dramatic license), but didn't really have the kind of digressions that a real conversation would have; even the sidebars end up feeding into the larger narrative. Does that make sense?
Regardless, I still enjoyed the message, and the chemistry. Nice work!
So! I can only assume this story was written specifically for me, what with the Carrot Top cameo and all. Best pony is still best, even when she's getting stabbed by cat-murdering unicorn fillies.
But as for the rest of the story... well, it's got some great bits. There are laugh-out-loud moments here, and I'm generally inclined to judge a comedy by its highs rather than its lows. But everything here feels tonally disjointed. From language (Scootaloo apparently has the voice of a dapper englishmare, except when she's dropping f-bombs) to setting (if you're going to make a joke about how nobody at the market notices a bunch of screaming and an alcohol fire ten feet away from them, best not to undermine it by making the impassibility of the market a plot point right afterwards) to level of psychopathy (which vacillates from "kids are dumb" to "these are actual literal psychopaths")... I'm just wishing this story would pick a lane and ride it. Right now, it feels like you've got a brutal dark comedy in mind, but you're continually undermining it to try to make it feel more FiM-ish. And the effect is neither rather than both. If you want to go full dark, go full dark. Make no apologies, punch me in the face from the word go, let me know "this is a completely brutal story that uses a few canon personalities to poke fun at an edgefest," and dare me not to go along with it!
Or, if you worry that too many readers can't/won't take you up on that dare, go the other way and give this the full R-to-PG-13 conversion treatment--no swearing, no actual death or permanent disfigurement, more emphasis on matching up the character dialogue and tone (though not story events, obs) with canon. Either way could work! But definitely take this one direction or the other, because right now you're pulling back just enough to make your darkest moments and most out-of-character actions and dialogue feel like tonal mistakes instead of like a concerted effort by the entire fic to push the envelope.
There's a fair bit of work to be done on this one, I think--but you've already got some brutally funny bits, and if you can get this story all pulling in the same direction instead of fighting against itself, I think you'll really have something.
But as for the rest of the story... well, it's got some great bits. There are laugh-out-loud moments here, and I'm generally inclined to judge a comedy by its highs rather than its lows. But everything here feels tonally disjointed. From language (Scootaloo apparently has the voice of a dapper englishmare, except when she's dropping f-bombs) to setting (if you're going to make a joke about how nobody at the market notices a bunch of screaming and an alcohol fire ten feet away from them, best not to undermine it by making the impassibility of the market a plot point right afterwards) to level of psychopathy (which vacillates from "kids are dumb" to "these are actual literal psychopaths")... I'm just wishing this story would pick a lane and ride it. Right now, it feels like you've got a brutal dark comedy in mind, but you're continually undermining it to try to make it feel more FiM-ish. And the effect is neither rather than both. If you want to go full dark, go full dark. Make no apologies, punch me in the face from the word go, let me know "this is a completely brutal story that uses a few canon personalities to poke fun at an edgefest," and dare me not to go along with it!
Or, if you worry that too many readers can't/won't take you up on that dare, go the other way and give this the full R-to-PG-13 conversion treatment--no swearing, no actual death or permanent disfigurement, more emphasis on matching up the character dialogue and tone (though not story events, obs) with canon. Either way could work! But definitely take this one direction or the other, because right now you're pulling back just enough to make your darkest moments and most out-of-character actions and dialogue feel like tonal mistakes instead of like a concerted effort by the entire fic to push the envelope.
There's a fair bit of work to be done on this one, I think--but you've already got some brutally funny bits, and if you can get this story all pulling in the same direction instead of fighting against itself, I think you'll really have something.
>>alarajrogers
Betcha I can write something stupider!
...Granted, I don't have an idea yet, but I bet I can come up with a stupid one!
UPDATE: I have officially passed the 2000 word mark, so as long as I can get to the end of this thing and edit it up in the next couple of days, I expect I'll have an entry. Out of respect for anonymity, I will neither confirm nor deny the stupidity of my idea. It's totally stupider than alararogers', tho
UPDATE II (Saturday night): JUST DELETED 3800 WORDS CAUSE THEY SUCKED HERE WE GO BOYS
UPDATE III (Sunday night): Got a finished story! It doesn't have things like "editing" or "cohesion" yet, but hopefully I can get that done after work tomorrow. BUCKLE YOUR BUTTS
UPDATE IV: Turns out Alarajrogers didn't submit a fic (boo! hiss!) so I'mma claim victory in the stupidest prompt interpretation battle by forfeit. Woo!
Betcha I can write something stupider!
...Granted, I don't have an idea yet, but I bet I can come up with a stupid one!
UPDATE: I have officially passed the 2000 word mark, so as long as I can get to the end of this thing and edit it up in the next couple of days, I expect I'll have an entry. Out of respect for anonymity, I will neither confirm nor deny the stupidity of my idea. It's totally stupider than alararogers', tho
UPDATE II (Saturday night): JUST DELETED 3800 WORDS CAUSE THEY SUCKED HERE WE GO BOYS
UPDATE III (Sunday night): Got a finished story! It doesn't have things like "editing" or "cohesion" yet, but hopefully I can get that done after work tomorrow. BUCKLE YOUR BUTTS
UPDATE IV: Turns out Alarajrogers didn't submit a fic (boo! hiss!) so I'mma claim victory in the stupidest prompt interpretation battle by forfeit. Woo!
The moral of the story is that kids are terrible and the last line is the Stockholm Syndrome speaking, right?
I kid, I kid. I work with elementary students for a living (though, in my defence, I get paid to do it).
Anyway, I agree with BB that I'm getting a really solid image of two-thirds of this household, and it'd help me if I knew a little better how part three fit in. Specifically, I can't tell right now if dad is sort of annoyed with her but also sympathetic, recognizing that they're both working full-time and all, or if he's fully disillusioned with her (and of course, I have no idea at all how accurate either set of feelings would be, from the text as presented). It's a big difference between the two, and the text doesn't resolve onto one or the other.
But that image of a little tyke charging up, zeroing in on the only dirty thing in the house, stealing food and immediately spoiling it... this all has the ring of truth to it, so to speak. You did a great job of making this scene feel real, and joking aside, I loved the last line. Kudos!
I kid, I kid. I work with elementary students for a living (though, in my defence, I get paid to do it).
Anyway, I agree with BB that I'm getting a really solid image of two-thirds of this household, and it'd help me if I knew a little better how part three fit in. Specifically, I can't tell right now if dad is sort of annoyed with her but also sympathetic, recognizing that they're both working full-time and all, or if he's fully disillusioned with her (and of course, I have no idea at all how accurate either set of feelings would be, from the text as presented). It's a big difference between the two, and the text doesn't resolve onto one or the other.
But that image of a little tyke charging up, zeroing in on the only dirty thing in the house, stealing food and immediately spoiling it... this all has the ring of truth to it, so to speak. You did a great job of making this scene feel real, and joking aside, I loved the last line. Kudos!
Paging WIP