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Treed
When I heard Winona barking, it didn’t worry me–they were “Yes, I’m chasing something, but don’t worry, it’s under control” barks, not “We’ve got a real serious situation on our paws” barks. But now that it’s been a couple hours, I reckon a follow-up is merited. Once she’s run something off, she usually comes right back to me for congratulating, and since she hasn’t, maybe things are a bit less under control than she said.
But it doesn’t take half a minute to find her, and sure enough, she seems to be just fine. And she doesn’t seem too worked up, not really. But she’s still got her teeth bared and her back arched low, and her growls say “I won’t bite hard, but you still won’t like it if I catch you.”
Next, I look up at Rainbow Dash. She’s resting on her belly on the limb of a tree, her legs dangling down and her eyes half-lidded. But if you know the gal–and I do–you can’t miss the tension in those dangling legs, or how those half-lidded eyes keep scanning around. She’s looking for an opening, make no mistake.
“Rainbow?” I call, trotting up beside Winona. Rainbow perks up, suddenly all smiles.
“Applejack!” she says, “Good to see ya! What’re you doing here?”
I give her a flat stare. “This is my farm. I live here.”
“Okay, sure. But like, what are you doing here here?”
“Seeing where Winona went. Which reminds me…” I look down. “Set, girl.”
Normally, when I tell Winona to set, she backs right off. Instead, she cocks her head, then whines. It ain’t a no; more like a please?
“Oh, she’s fine,” Rainbow interjects. Winona snaps her attention back to Rainbow with a mildly-fierce growl. Rainbow blows a raspberry.
I sigh.
“Rainbow. Why’re you here, why’s my dog mad at you, and what’d you do to deserve it?”
“Okay, first of all? Rude. But… so, Sweet Apple Acres was scheduled for clear skies this afternoon, and you said you didn’t want me slacking off until I’d bucked all the clouds, right?”
“Right…” There’s one tiny cumulous directly overhead in an otherwise clear blue sky. If I know the gal–and I do–it’s probably just about the right size for a pegasus to snooze on. “...So, B+ work all around, what’s the problem?”
“Well, after I’d finished, I landed to grab a quick snack before getting my afternoon cloudnap on, but somebody seemed to think I hadn’t quite finished my job, so she chased me up here.” Rainbow gestures at several apple cores on the ground. “Thanks, by the way. But now I’ve got to get down past her, and it’s tough when–I mean, and I can totally do that whenever I want!” Another raspberry; another growl.
I take a deep breath. “Rainbow Dash, you are a pegasus. You can just leave.”
“But that’s cheating!”
“‘Cheating?’”
“Yeah! Winona doesn’t have wings, does she? So how can she catch me if I fly away, huh?”
“She… can’t?”
“Exactly!” Rainbow nods triumphantly, as if she’s proved some particularly brilliant point. “So, I’ve gotta get past her on hoof.” She flops her head back down. “I’ll let your dog keep thinking she’s got a chance for a little longer, then jump down and outsprint her to the fence when I’m good and ready. You go do your farm stuff, s’cool.” Winona gives a quiet half-yelp; part agreement, part threat.
I look at Winona again, then lean down to whisper. “It’s almost suppertime, girl. You sure you don’t want me to call this off for you? I don’t mind bein’ the bad cop.”
She shakes her head. Don’t need an owner-pet bond to know what that means.
“Suit yourself.” I straighten up. “A’ight, you two have fun, don’t stay out all night.”
As I turn and trot away, I hear the growls resume, answered by scratchy-voiced taunts. It occurs to me that even a couple years ago, I would’ve put a stop to this nonsense without a second thought. But now?
There’s nopony pony in Equestria (family excepted) that I know better than Rainbow, and there’s no creature in the world (family included) that I know better than Winona. And if I know the gals–and I do–they’ll both be happier being left to their standoff than they would be if I jumped in and interfered.
Those two are just about my best friends in the world. And sometimes, the best thing a friend can do is nothing at all.
But it doesn’t take half a minute to find her, and sure enough, she seems to be just fine. And she doesn’t seem too worked up, not really. But she’s still got her teeth bared and her back arched low, and her growls say “I won’t bite hard, but you still won’t like it if I catch you.”
Next, I look up at Rainbow Dash. She’s resting on her belly on the limb of a tree, her legs dangling down and her eyes half-lidded. But if you know the gal–and I do–you can’t miss the tension in those dangling legs, or how those half-lidded eyes keep scanning around. She’s looking for an opening, make no mistake.
“Rainbow?” I call, trotting up beside Winona. Rainbow perks up, suddenly all smiles.
“Applejack!” she says, “Good to see ya! What’re you doing here?”
I give her a flat stare. “This is my farm. I live here.”
“Okay, sure. But like, what are you doing here here?”
“Seeing where Winona went. Which reminds me…” I look down. “Set, girl.”
Normally, when I tell Winona to set, she backs right off. Instead, she cocks her head, then whines. It ain’t a no; more like a please?
“Oh, she’s fine,” Rainbow interjects. Winona snaps her attention back to Rainbow with a mildly-fierce growl. Rainbow blows a raspberry.
I sigh.
“Rainbow. Why’re you here, why’s my dog mad at you, and what’d you do to deserve it?”
“Okay, first of all? Rude. But… so, Sweet Apple Acres was scheduled for clear skies this afternoon, and you said you didn’t want me slacking off until I’d bucked all the clouds, right?”
“Right…” There’s one tiny cumulous directly overhead in an otherwise clear blue sky. If I know the gal–and I do–it’s probably just about the right size for a pegasus to snooze on. “...So, B+ work all around, what’s the problem?”
“Well, after I’d finished, I landed to grab a quick snack before getting my afternoon cloudnap on, but somebody seemed to think I hadn’t quite finished my job, so she chased me up here.” Rainbow gestures at several apple cores on the ground. “Thanks, by the way. But now I’ve got to get down past her, and it’s tough when–I mean, and I can totally do that whenever I want!” Another raspberry; another growl.
I take a deep breath. “Rainbow Dash, you are a pegasus. You can just leave.”
“But that’s cheating!”
“‘Cheating?’”
“Yeah! Winona doesn’t have wings, does she? So how can she catch me if I fly away, huh?”
“She… can’t?”
“Exactly!” Rainbow nods triumphantly, as if she’s proved some particularly brilliant point. “So, I’ve gotta get past her on hoof.” She flops her head back down. “I’ll let your dog keep thinking she’s got a chance for a little longer, then jump down and outsprint her to the fence when I’m good and ready. You go do your farm stuff, s’cool.” Winona gives a quiet half-yelp; part agreement, part threat.
I look at Winona again, then lean down to whisper. “It’s almost suppertime, girl. You sure you don’t want me to call this off for you? I don’t mind bein’ the bad cop.”
She shakes her head. Don’t need an owner-pet bond to know what that means.
“Suit yourself.” I straighten up. “A’ight, you two have fun, don’t stay out all night.”
As I turn and trot away, I hear the growls resume, answered by scratchy-voiced taunts. It occurs to me that even a couple years ago, I would’ve put a stop to this nonsense without a second thought. But now?
There’s nopony pony in Equestria (family excepted) that I know better than Rainbow, and there’s no creature in the world (family included) that I know better than Winona. And if I know the gals–and I do–they’ll both be happier being left to their standoff than they would be if I jumped in and interfered.
Those two are just about my best friends in the world. And sometimes, the best thing a friend can do is nothing at all.
Pics
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Cute idea; it feels like something that could have come from certain seasons of the show (albeit with a more slapsticky/less wistful tone). It does feel like the ending lacks some oomph--it's no letter to Celestia, natch--but it's a fine lesson nonetheless.
I think the tense choice might have been a mistake. Not that there's anything wrong with having your story be in present tense, but in this particular case, you start off by having AJ remembering something, so it feels confused for the first couple of paragraphs, until you've got enough of the same verbs in a row that it's clear what you're doing. This is one of those "you're not wrong, but you're not making it easy for people to tell you're right" situations: think about the reader's first impressions, especially given that a fanfic reader can absolutely be excused for suspecting unclear tense in a story is a result of authorial incompetence rather than the result of a grammatically correct but potentially misleading decision.
Beyond that, though, I thought this was exactly the kind of stupid/pointless thing Dash would do, and that kind of hitting characterization hard in a short space is always nice. All three come through clearly, even with Winona not having much character beyond "farm dog"--nice job there!
I think the tense choice might have been a mistake. Not that there's anything wrong with having your story be in present tense, but in this particular case, you start off by having AJ remembering something, so it feels confused for the first couple of paragraphs, until you've got enough of the same verbs in a row that it's clear what you're doing. This is one of those "you're not wrong, but you're not making it easy for people to tell you're right" situations: think about the reader's first impressions, especially given that a fanfic reader can absolutely be excused for suspecting unclear tense in a story is a result of authorial incompetence rather than the result of a grammatically correct but potentially misleading decision.
Beyond that, though, I thought this was exactly the kind of stupid/pointless thing Dash would do, and that kind of hitting characterization hard in a short space is always nice. All three come through clearly, even with Winona not having much character beyond "farm dog"--nice job there!
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All my comments:
For this whole round, I feel almost certain, will start with the words, "What >>Chris said." Just like old times! :)
'Cause the past tense/present tense thing is what hit me right at the beginning, made me stop and blink and start over again. Keeping it plain ol' past tense won't trip me up that way. I'll also say that, if Winona's been barking continually for "a couple hours," that seems like a long time without AJ going to see what's up. Oh, and there's an extra "pony" as the third word in the penultimate paragraph. Still, I'm always impressed when folks can conjure up a complete story in wunna these minific rounds, so definite tunmbs-up for that!
Mike
For this whole round, I feel almost certain, will start with the words, "What >>Chris said." Just like old times! :)
'Cause the past tense/present tense thing is what hit me right at the beginning, made me stop and blink and start over again. Keeping it plain ol' past tense won't trip me up that way. I'll also say that, if Winona's been barking continually for "a couple hours," that seems like a long time without AJ going to see what's up. Oh, and there's an extra "pony" as the third word in the penultimate paragraph. Still, I'm always impressed when folks can conjure up a complete story in wunna these minific rounds, so definite tunmbs-up for that!
Mike
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The tense thing didn't particularly stand out to me - the second sentence making explicit the passage of time relative to the first made the tense shift feel very natural. I agree with >>Baal Bunny that "a couple hours" seems much too long for Applejack to wait before going outside, but I don't think much changes otherwise if she only waits a couple minutes. The sentence structure at the beginning is a bit repetitive - your first six lines are all "some assertion" "But, contrary assertion" (and the sixth line even includes both halves of that pattern another time in the description of Winona's growls), and it would be nice for that to vary a bit more.
Rainbow Dash characterization was great, not just in her competition with Winona (which, to be clear, was fantastic), but also just in all the individual exchanges with Applejack.
The ending was definitely the weakest point - it felt to me like you were trying to append a moral to a story that didn't really need one.
On the whole, though, I really enjoyed this - the complaints I have are very minor details, and the substance of the story felt very strong both in concept and execution.
Rainbow Dash characterization was great, not just in her competition with Winona (which, to be clear, was fantastic), but also just in all the individual exchanges with Applejack.
The ending was definitely the weakest point - it felt to me like you were trying to append a moral to a story that didn't really need one.
On the whole, though, I really enjoyed this - the complaints I have are very minor details, and the substance of the story felt very strong both in concept and execution.
![](/static/avatar/4/42/42-1630-8b2705a7.png)
“Yeah! Winona doesn’t have wings, does she? So how can she catch me if I fly away, huh?”
“She… can’t?”
“Exactly!” Rainbow nods triumphantly, as if she’s proved some particularly brilliant point. “So, I’ve gotta get past her on hoof.” She flops her head back down. “I’ll let your dog keep thinking she’s got a chance for a little longer, then jump down and outsprint her to the fence when I’m good and ready. You go do your farm stuff, s’cool.”
This is really nice. Rainbow and AJ are well-voiced in this germ (and I suspect that AJ's "voice" is behind the tense confusion in the first two paragraphs--trying to keep it familiar, informal). Far from being inane, I think Rainbow demonstrates some wisdom here with regard to interacting with dependents. For that reason, I was expecting AJ to observe something about how much closer she feels to her because of how her "family" instinct has married with her personality.
Maybe AJ is used to Winona barking all the time. Here, it reads as being a bit of zany humor, which is slightly out of tone with the rest of the story.
Great use of the prompt.
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>>Baal Bunny
>>Rubidium
>>Heavy_Mole
Thank you all for the thoughtful comments. I haven't been doing much writing this past year, and I do almost no ponyfic these days, so it's nice to hop back in like this. I'm glad the voicing came through, sorry about the tense stuff (it was a product of the wordlimit; there was a longer intro that was less ambiguous about us being present-tense in the first draft, but it was one of the things that got trimmed to get to 750, and when I thought about just switching to past, I realized that both I liked this fic better in present, and switching would add another ~50 words anyway), and my intention with the timing at the start was that AJ heard Winona run off barking a couple hours ago and was just now going to see where she'd gotten off to, not that AJ'd been listening to continuous barking for hours. Anyway, good and right criticisms, and stuff that'll be easy enough to clean up, I think, so thank you! I'll also certainly poke at the ending and keep an eye on repetitive phrasing; to repeat myself, a lot of ideas and suggestions up here that I feel are really useful and accurate.
So thank you all again, congrats to the other medalists, and thank you to everyone who entered a piece. It was fun to come back to this, and even though I'm probably going to continue to be occasional-at-best with participation, I love that the writeoff exists and that you all are just so generally great.
>>Rubidium
>>Heavy_Mole
Thank you all for the thoughtful comments. I haven't been doing much writing this past year, and I do almost no ponyfic these days, so it's nice to hop back in like this. I'm glad the voicing came through, sorry about the tense stuff (it was a product of the wordlimit; there was a longer intro that was less ambiguous about us being present-tense in the first draft, but it was one of the things that got trimmed to get to 750, and when I thought about just switching to past, I realized that both I liked this fic better in present, and switching would add another ~50 words anyway), and my intention with the timing at the start was that AJ heard Winona run off barking a couple hours ago and was just now going to see where she'd gotten off to, not that AJ'd been listening to continuous barking for hours. Anyway, good and right criticisms, and stuff that'll be easy enough to clean up, I think, so thank you! I'll also certainly poke at the ending and keep an eye on repetitive phrasing; to repeat myself, a lot of ideas and suggestions up here that I feel are really useful and accurate.
So thank you all again, congrats to the other medalists, and thank you to everyone who entered a piece. It was fun to come back to this, and even though I'm probably going to continue to be occasional-at-best with participation, I love that the writeoff exists and that you all are just so generally great.