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This is genuinely excellent, albeit very heavy. The level of detail and specificity completely works and never feels awkward or inaccurate. I don't think there's anything I would change--top of my slate, thus far.
So, the climax of this story seems to be the bit where he pulls the trigger.
That's all well and good.
However, I don't really like the path it takes to get there. The elements that lead up to that climax seem to be, to me, 1 - thematics about religion, 2 - backstory about his buddy and the bomb, and 3 - geopolitical history.
Currently, as best I can tell, you're introducing these in basically the opposite order I've listed them. You start with setting the scene, and quickly move into the geopolitics. That's... eh, I dunno, a bit dry perhaps? Then the bit with his buddy and the bomb come in, and we have some idea what his motivations/feelings are, and after that, there's the bit about religion and what, which is kinda used to wrap things up.
I think, at the very least, you need to mix things up a bit more. The bits on religion seem like the dominant thematics here, and as such, I'd suggest you bring them in ASAP. Likewise, the bit with is buddy (and I don't really like that name; it seemed feminine at best and deliberately weird at worst - sorry, not really a big deal) could be introduced sooner, so we have some idea about his mindset, and a hint at the conflict that's going to be at the core of the story. It would also strengthen the structure a bit, I think, because as-is, most of the conflict happens in the last 2/3, since the first third is mostly geopolotical musing, and there's no real hint of conflict until the line about 'I still had something to do here' drops.
I think doing that will make this more engaging in the opening, by making the conflict more immediate, and more powerful in the closing, by making the theme cover more than 1/2-1/3 of the story.
Or maybe that wasn't the theme you wanted to focus on? This story seems almost over-thematic; I can see at least three, maybe four. Religion, dust, time, cycles of violence.
The dust motif, though interesting, never really seemed to crystallize into something useful. Perhaps a 'dust to dust' line would have made it work - or maybe that was in there and I missed it?
I liked the 'unexploded ordinance' tying back into the 'country as a bomb' thing, but I also think it could handle being more explicit. Maybe it could tie into his own sudden burst of anger as well? Draw a clearer 'circle of violence' thing?
There are also a few paragraphs that don't really seem to get enough use. The bit about shooting a deer - I'm not sure what you're aiming for with that. Was it simply a nod to the prompt? Could you tie cold into bombs, and snow into dust, and him being a child into bombs on children and the boy at the end of this scope? The bit about time feels like it ought to be more important than it is, and I'd suggest cutting it unless you've got a clear vision for working it into your themes.
My impression of this is 'scattered'; there's a good story in here, and a round of editing will make it pretty great. As-is, though, I think it could use a bit more focus.
That's all well and good.
However, I don't really like the path it takes to get there. The elements that lead up to that climax seem to be, to me, 1 - thematics about religion, 2 - backstory about his buddy and the bomb, and 3 - geopolitical history.
Currently, as best I can tell, you're introducing these in basically the opposite order I've listed them. You start with setting the scene, and quickly move into the geopolitics. That's... eh, I dunno, a bit dry perhaps? Then the bit with his buddy and the bomb come in, and we have some idea what his motivations/feelings are, and after that, there's the bit about religion and what, which is kinda used to wrap things up.
I think, at the very least, you need to mix things up a bit more. The bits on religion seem like the dominant thematics here, and as such, I'd suggest you bring them in ASAP. Likewise, the bit with is buddy (and I don't really like that name; it seemed feminine at best and deliberately weird at worst - sorry, not really a big deal) could be introduced sooner, so we have some idea about his mindset, and a hint at the conflict that's going to be at the core of the story. It would also strengthen the structure a bit, I think, because as-is, most of the conflict happens in the last 2/3, since the first third is mostly geopolotical musing, and there's no real hint of conflict until the line about 'I still had something to do here' drops.
I think doing that will make this more engaging in the opening, by making the conflict more immediate, and more powerful in the closing, by making the theme cover more than 1/2-1/3 of the story.
Or maybe that wasn't the theme you wanted to focus on? This story seems almost over-thematic; I can see at least three, maybe four. Religion, dust, time, cycles of violence.
The dust motif, though interesting, never really seemed to crystallize into something useful. Perhaps a 'dust to dust' line would have made it work - or maybe that was in there and I missed it?
I liked the 'unexploded ordinance' tying back into the 'country as a bomb' thing, but I also think it could handle being more explicit. Maybe it could tie into his own sudden burst of anger as well? Draw a clearer 'circle of violence' thing?
There are also a few paragraphs that don't really seem to get enough use. The bit about shooting a deer - I'm not sure what you're aiming for with that. Was it simply a nod to the prompt? Could you tie cold into bombs, and snow into dust, and him being a child into bombs on children and the boy at the end of this scope? The bit about time feels like it ought to be more important than it is, and I'd suggest cutting it unless you've got a clear vision for working it into your themes.
My impression of this is 'scattered'; there's a good story in here, and a round of editing will make it pretty great. As-is, though, I think it could use a bit more focus.
This is a rather good story, however it suffers from a drawback you unfortunately had no control over: CiG already wrote about US Army in Afghanistan some time ago, more or less upon the same subject, and while this story is certainly competently written, it sort of repeats the same tropes, especially the dust.
This is clearly not Cold’s. First because he declared he wouldn’t write about Afghanistan any more. Second, because some elements of prose therein are too rough to be his.
Now I don't imply in any manner that your story is inferior to CiG’s, just that… it doesn’t have the same punch as a pristine take on the subject. Especially since the atmosphere here seems somehow remote and even unreal. There is no clear threat to act against, no real action. Some of the considerations, like the general rambling about history or women condition in Muslim countries (by the way, I’m not sure it was that bad. Afghanistan is culturally linked to Iran, if I don’t run offbase Pashtun language is IndoEuropean as is Farsi, and Iranians, though being Muslims, never had a reputation for treating women harshly – the assumption that Islam = women abuse is a bit gross and typically post-modern. But all I tell here is somehow a wild surmise.) could clearly also take place in a bar anywhere else in the world. That contribites to add to the lack of intensity: there is no stake, just two people being bored, so bored one of them decides to kill a
boy to add a little spice to his experience. At least, that’s my personal takeaway.
So yeah, nice slice of life, competently written but for some sparse passages, but lacks tension. That would be a minor gripe in a “commoner” Slice of Life, but in a soldier story, we expect at least some skirmish, unless you want specifically to point out the vacuity of military life, like Dino Buzzati did so well in his Tartarus’s desert.
This is clearly not Cold’s. First because he declared he wouldn’t write about Afghanistan any more. Second, because some elements of prose therein are too rough to be his.
Now I don't imply in any manner that your story is inferior to CiG’s, just that… it doesn’t have the same punch as a pristine take on the subject. Especially since the atmosphere here seems somehow remote and even unreal. There is no clear threat to act against, no real action. Some of the considerations, like the general rambling about history or women condition in Muslim countries (by the way, I’m not sure it was that bad. Afghanistan is culturally linked to Iran, if I don’t run offbase Pashtun language is IndoEuropean as is Farsi, and Iranians, though being Muslims, never had a reputation for treating women harshly – the assumption that Islam = women abuse is a bit gross and typically post-modern. But all I tell here is somehow a wild surmise.) could clearly also take place in a bar anywhere else in the world. That contribites to add to the lack of intensity: there is no stake, just two people being bored, so bored one of them decides to kill a
boy to add a little spice to his experience. At least, that’s my personal takeaway.
So yeah, nice slice of life, competently written but for some sparse passages, but lacks tension. That would be a minor gripe in a “commoner” Slice of Life, but in a soldier story, we expect at least some skirmish, unless you want specifically to point out the vacuity of military life, like Dino Buzzati did so well in his Tartarus’s desert.
>>Monokeras
Wow.
(by the way, I’m not sure it was that bad. Afghanistan is culturally linked to Iran, if I don’t run offbase Pashtun language is IndoEuropean as is Farsi, and Iranians, though being Muslims, never had a reputation for treating women harshly – the assumption that Islam = women abuse is a bit gross and typically post-modern. But all I tell here is somehow a wild surmise.)
Wow.
>>Cold in Gardez
What you mean Cold? Yeah, I frankly admit I’ve not been in Afghanistan myself.
Correct me if I’m wrong! :)
What you mean Cold? Yeah, I frankly admit I’ve not been in Afghanistan myself.
Correct me if I’m wrong! :)
Enjoyed - Marjah — A+ — You would think a story about a couple of army guys in a HESCO strongpoint just talking to each other wouldn’t be interesting. You’d be wrong. Heart-tugging and accurate. The bit about the goats destroying the country is unfortunately correct. They eat the vegetation right down to and including the roots, leaving nothing but dry ground blowing in the wind.
Welcome to the top of my slate, author. How's the weather up there? Don't mind the "CIG was here" scratched into the back of the armchair.
This was great overall, and I'm sure you don't need gushing praise from the likes of me. Instead let me point out the one thing I found amiss:
The opening sentiment about the treatment of women feels out of place. It's in the very beginning, before the veracity of the narrator really comes into question. I'm not saying the statements made are true or false, but they gain a certain taint from the narrator's obviously affected state of mind. What's more, the narrator never comes back to this idea. Dust, religion, and violence are reiterated beautifully, but the idea that this kid might grow up to abuse his wife doesn't enter into the picture again. Hence my feeling that it's out of place.
This was great overall, and I'm sure you don't need gushing praise from the likes of me. Instead let me point out the one thing I found amiss:
The opening sentiment about the treatment of women feels out of place. It's in the very beginning, before the veracity of the narrator really comes into question. I'm not saying the statements made are true or false, but they gain a certain taint from the narrator's obviously affected state of mind. What's more, the narrator never comes back to this idea. Dust, religion, and violence are reiterated beautifully, but the idea that this kid might grow up to abuse his wife doesn't enter into the picture again. Hence my feeling that it's out of place.
The strongest point of this story for me was the atmosphere. Part and parcel of that were the vivid descriptions and a consistent tone.
There were a few oddities, but mechanically it was generally clean, and there were some very good turns of phrase. An early one that stood out to me was: "There is a faint pop from far away, followed by the staccato chatter of an AK-47. Distance mellows the sharp sound, rounding the edges into a softer beat"
I’m not in a position to judge the authenticity, but to me it felt authentic, or at least well-researched.
Character voicing was strong. There were some provocative statements, but that may be intentional to show Sholtez's state of mind. It helps feed a growing sense of alarm as the story progresses and you realize just how unhinged the narrator is.
One point of confusion; earlier on their position is described as a glorified foxhole, but then when their commander comes, he has to climb up to get to them. I ended up having to google HESCO, and it sort of made sense, but it could've been clearer.
The pacing worked for me. Overtly it feels slow and meandering, which in other stories could be boring, but this one is crafted well enough that I was kept entertained. Beneath the languid digressions, though, events moved forwards, the tension building until the climax almost sneaks up on you and the reader is caught as flat-footed as DeeDee. There's a sense of confusion and alarm at the sudden turn in events, and the powerlessness to change them.
The resolution does have shades of deus ex. If there was intended to be a literal deus involved, there was no indication of it, but even without it, it works well enough as-is; another indication of the capriciousness of the universe.
Overall, a very well crafted story. A little wandering at times, but then so is the Mississippi, and slow and meandering things can still be powerful.
There were a few oddities, but mechanically it was generally clean, and there were some very good turns of phrase. An early one that stood out to me was: "There is a faint pop from far away, followed by the staccato chatter of an AK-47. Distance mellows the sharp sound, rounding the edges into a softer beat"
I’m not in a position to judge the authenticity, but to me it felt authentic, or at least well-researched.
Character voicing was strong. There were some provocative statements, but that may be intentional to show Sholtez's state of mind. It helps feed a growing sense of alarm as the story progresses and you realize just how unhinged the narrator is.
One point of confusion; earlier on their position is described as a glorified foxhole, but then when their commander comes, he has to climb up to get to them. I ended up having to google HESCO, and it sort of made sense, but it could've been clearer.
The pacing worked for me. Overtly it feels slow and meandering, which in other stories could be boring, but this one is crafted well enough that I was kept entertained. Beneath the languid digressions, though, events moved forwards, the tension building until the climax almost sneaks up on you and the reader is caught as flat-footed as DeeDee. There's a sense of confusion and alarm at the sudden turn in events, and the powerlessness to change them.
The resolution does have shades of deus ex. If there was intended to be a literal deus involved, there was no indication of it, but even without it, it works well enough as-is; another indication of the capriciousness of the universe.
Overall, a very well crafted story. A little wandering at times, but then so is the Mississippi, and slow and meandering things can still be powerful.
Enjoy your gold. It's overdue.
Tier: Top Contender
Edit: Watch those acronyms, though, and descriptions of things more generally. As >>Ratlab notes, nobody in your audience is going to know (for example) what a HESCO is without Google or context; while you call it a "HESCO barrier" on first reference, the fact that it's got enough shade to stand in gave me a very different mental image from what I saw when I googled it. Maybe "huddling in the low, sparse shade of a HESCO barrier" or something?
Tier: Top Contender
Edit: Watch those acronyms, though, and descriptions of things more generally. As >>Ratlab notes, nobody in your audience is going to know (for example) what a HESCO is without Google or context; while you call it a "HESCO barrier" on first reference, the fact that it's got enough shade to stand in gave me a very different mental image from what I saw when I googled it. Maybe "huddling in the low, sparse shade of a HESCO barrier" or something?
