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Prophecy
Celestia’s willpower fought against her exhaustion and pain, urging her to stand back on her legs. Her ribs burned, and a sharp ringing echoed in her head. She swallowed, her throat raw and sore, placed her legs below her torso and pushed. Doubt had assailed her, ripping her confidence apart, bringing down her strength. This wasn't the way it was supposed to go. There wasn't supposed to even be a resistance. She was supposed to show a minimal effort of trying to stop her and then get imprisoned. Delay her a little at best to give Twilight a little more time. Not get torn slowly apart.
She was finally up again. Her legs trembled and threatened to throw her down any second now, but she was up. She wasn't sure how much that mattered anymore.
Luna in her Nightmare Moon form stood a few meters away with an infuriating, condescending smile and watched her, her eyes illuminated by an inner fire. This wasn't like the last time. Luna wasn't like that a thousand years ago. She didn't try to punish her, to torture her, hurting her again and again, watching her strive to breathe. She didn't laugh with joy at Celestia's grimaces of pain.
Celestia glimpsed into herself and realized that this was it. There wasn't going to be another attempt to fight back. She had nothing left, no strength and no magic. Everything she could spare had gone into keeping her standing. She had lost, just like she knew she would, but not like this. Not in such a brutal, malicious way.
"Luna... Luna please. Stop this." Pleading with her was all Celestia had left. She needed to buy Twilight Sparkle time, to find friends and then find the Elements. Her student was going to need every second she could gain for her sake against this bitter, vicious Luna. With blood if she had to. She would fall on her knees and whimper on the ground begging if that meant a little more time for Twilight.
"Wrong name princess," Luna smirked, shooting off a weak beam of magic at Celestia's side, throwing her back down. "Try again."
"N-no," Celestia shouted, gritting her teeth against the pain. "You're my sister. You'll always be my sister, no matter what. Luna, please. Don't-"
Luna lifted her head up and laughed. "You might want to rethink that, princess," she said, still laughing cruelly.
Time. She needed time. If she wanted to talk, she'd talk. "What do you mean?" Celestia asked, letting her head fall on the ground, too exhausted to hold it up.
"How did it go again? "On the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about nighttime eternal." Yes, that seems about right. Wasn't this how the prophecy went princess?" Luna asked, heavily mocking Celestia's title every time she said it.
"Yes." Celestia didn't see the point. She was already here. Did she think that the prophecy meant that her victory was guaranteed?
"Who is her?"
"What?"
"Her. Who is her? Her escape. Come little princess. Don't tell me you missed this small detail?"
"It's... you," Celestia said, still mystified.
"And what is my name?"
"Lun-"
Luna silenced her with a hoof, surprisingly gentle. "Nuh uh uh. My name. Mine."
"Nightmare Moon," Celestia finally conceded. She was trying to make use of the time to regain some strength, vain as it was.
The dark mare in front of her wasn't done yet. "Exactly. Nightmare Moon." She lowered her head, bringing her smiling mouth, full of sharpened teeth in front of Celestia's eyes, and whispered softly, like a nighttime promise. "Nightmare Moon. Not Luna."
Celestia understood then. Dread and fear filled her, the horrifying implications becoming swiftly apparent. She tried to disbelieve it, to refuse it. This couldn't be right, this couldn't be true!
"Now you are getting it princess." The monster looked up at her sister's moon. "Poor little Luna, still stuck up there. She wasn't included in the deal you see. It's ok. I'll send her something to keep her busy. Now, should you still be breathing, or not? Decisions, decisions..."
Celestia got up on her legs again. Time. She needed to buy time, more than ever. Tears flowed down her face, blinding her while also giving her new strength. She would get her sister back. One way or the other, she was getting Luna back. She needed to buy Twilight more time. Nothing else mattered.
She charged Nightmare Moon.
She was finally up again. Her legs trembled and threatened to throw her down any second now, but she was up. She wasn't sure how much that mattered anymore.
Luna in her Nightmare Moon form stood a few meters away with an infuriating, condescending smile and watched her, her eyes illuminated by an inner fire. This wasn't like the last time. Luna wasn't like that a thousand years ago. She didn't try to punish her, to torture her, hurting her again and again, watching her strive to breathe. She didn't laugh with joy at Celestia's grimaces of pain.
Celestia glimpsed into herself and realized that this was it. There wasn't going to be another attempt to fight back. She had nothing left, no strength and no magic. Everything she could spare had gone into keeping her standing. She had lost, just like she knew she would, but not like this. Not in such a brutal, malicious way.
"Luna... Luna please. Stop this." Pleading with her was all Celestia had left. She needed to buy Twilight Sparkle time, to find friends and then find the Elements. Her student was going to need every second she could gain for her sake against this bitter, vicious Luna. With blood if she had to. She would fall on her knees and whimper on the ground begging if that meant a little more time for Twilight.
"Wrong name princess," Luna smirked, shooting off a weak beam of magic at Celestia's side, throwing her back down. "Try again."
"N-no," Celestia shouted, gritting her teeth against the pain. "You're my sister. You'll always be my sister, no matter what. Luna, please. Don't-"
Luna lifted her head up and laughed. "You might want to rethink that, princess," she said, still laughing cruelly.
Time. She needed time. If she wanted to talk, she'd talk. "What do you mean?" Celestia asked, letting her head fall on the ground, too exhausted to hold it up.
"How did it go again? "On the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about nighttime eternal." Yes, that seems about right. Wasn't this how the prophecy went princess?" Luna asked, heavily mocking Celestia's title every time she said it.
"Yes." Celestia didn't see the point. She was already here. Did she think that the prophecy meant that her victory was guaranteed?
"Who is her?"
"What?"
"Her. Who is her? Her escape. Come little princess. Don't tell me you missed this small detail?"
"It's... you," Celestia said, still mystified.
"And what is my name?"
"Lun-"
Luna silenced her with a hoof, surprisingly gentle. "Nuh uh uh. My name. Mine."
"Nightmare Moon," Celestia finally conceded. She was trying to make use of the time to regain some strength, vain as it was.
The dark mare in front of her wasn't done yet. "Exactly. Nightmare Moon." She lowered her head, bringing her smiling mouth, full of sharpened teeth in front of Celestia's eyes, and whispered softly, like a nighttime promise. "Nightmare Moon. Not Luna."
Celestia understood then. Dread and fear filled her, the horrifying implications becoming swiftly apparent. She tried to disbelieve it, to refuse it. This couldn't be right, this couldn't be true!
"Now you are getting it princess." The monster looked up at her sister's moon. "Poor little Luna, still stuck up there. She wasn't included in the deal you see. It's ok. I'll send her something to keep her busy. Now, should you still be breathing, or not? Decisions, decisions..."
Celestia got up on her legs again. Time. She needed to buy time, more than ever. Tears flowed down her face, blinding her while also giving her new strength. She would get her sister back. One way or the other, she was getting Luna back. She needed to buy Twilight more time. Nothing else mattered.
She charged Nightmare Moon.
This suffers from telliness: you need to find a way to show the audience what you want them to know, instead of telling them how to feel.
I could critique other things but tell is far and away the biggest problem with your writing here. Look up examples online. I think this story in particular is a high degree of difficulty to make showy, too. Stories with more dialogue and less essential backstory are much easier to show. This story is really about what's going on in Celestia's head, and her brainspace has to essentially narrate the backstory to the audience which seems artificial.
This story might actually be overly-ambitious for a minific: it might not be a story that can be shown properly in 750 words. The fact that not much happens action-wise doesn't mean the story is a minific candidate. :twilightsmile:
I could critique other things but tell is far and away the biggest problem with your writing here. Look up examples online. I think this story in particular is a high degree of difficulty to make showy, too. Stories with more dialogue and less essential backstory are much easier to show. This story is really about what's going on in Celestia's head, and her brainspace has to essentially narrate the backstory to the audience which seems artificial.
This story might actually be overly-ambitious for a minific: it might not be a story that can be shown properly in 750 words. The fact that not much happens action-wise doesn't mean the story is a minific candidate. :twilightsmile:
This actually fell a bit flat for me. I like the concept -- love the concept, actually -- and the setup certainly works well for the length, but the entire pitch of this is that Nightmare Moon is a distinct person from Luna. That means you need to characterize her for this concept to work, and that's where this story really falls flat for me. Nightmare Moon feels generic, and that killed a lot of the interest.
SCORE-O-METER: 7/10. The execution needs work, but I'd love to see a more developed version of this idea. Lots of potential here.
SCORE-O-METER: 7/10. The execution needs work, but I'd love to see a more developed version of this idea. Lots of potential here.
I support your right to retell the story of Nightmare Moon in a minific, just as I support your right to wear a striped tie with a plaid suit.
>>GaPJaxie Agree "the entire pitch of this is that Nightmare Moon is a distinct person from Luna." This is just a dump of one line of head-canon.
I'm gonna be rude and say how I might rewrite this: Make that point be not the point of the story--which it can't be, because it isn't powerful enough--but the setup for a plot twist. For instance:
That's still not quite a story, but it's taken something that's just an informational point--Luna is still on the moon--and spun it into a character exposition--Celestia would accept her own death rather than kill Luna.
>>GaPJaxie Agree "the entire pitch of this is that Nightmare Moon is a distinct person from Luna." This is just a dump of one line of head-canon.
I'm gonna be rude and say how I might rewrite this: Make that point be not the point of the story--which it can't be, because it isn't powerful enough--but the setup for a plot twist. For instance:
The monster grinned. "Poor little Luna, still stuck up there in the moon.
"I'm... glad you told me," Celestia said between coughs.
"Really?" The dark mare bent her head forward. "Why?"
Celestia spat out a tooth and staggered to her feet. "I can stop holding back."
That's still not quite a story, but it's taken something that's just an informational point--Luna is still on the moon--and spun it into a character exposition--Celestia would accept her own death rather than kill Luna.
The idea is interesting, though it defeats almost all canon, especially the whole Luna redeeming arc, Tantabus and all that stuff.
I agree with the others that there’s hardly a story here, just a scene that you've crafted to showcase your idea. And it leaves a lot unexplained, in the first place how Luna, the genuine one, was sent to the Moon, and whence does NM stem.
The concept is fine, but this needs to be plunged into a bigger story to shine.
I agree with the others that there’s hardly a story here, just a scene that you've crafted to showcase your idea. And it leaves a lot unexplained, in the first place how Luna, the genuine one, was sent to the Moon, and whence does NM stem.
The concept is fine, but this needs to be plunged into a bigger story to shine.
This is a universe more alternate than it seems at first glance, given how Nightmare Moon did revel in Celestia’s pain the first time around according to the flashback potion. Still, AUs are as AUs do, and this one is… not much, really. As others have noted, you devote the entire word count to conveying a single datum. The tortuous pacing is appropriate for Celestia’s current condition, but not for the minific format. You’ll definitely be able to make this work better once its expanded, though even then, you’ll want to tone down the repetition.
This is an okay idea, but you need to have the ramifications of the AU change to make this story really work. Not bad, but needs to dive deeper into the concept to pull it off properly.
This is certainly and interesting idea... I wonder, if/when the Nightmare is defeated, will Luna be freed from the moon? Or will they have to mount a rescue mission to retrieve her? I wonder what the consequences would be in the Nightmare's defeat releases Celestia... Who has been beaten to a pulp? Or worse? It could have some interest, if unpleasant implications.
I have to agree that the opening was a bit slow and rather 'Telly.' I'd have cut down the opening a bit to add some more text at the end, showing just how horrified Celestia is, or having her show a bit more fire... Instead it seems like she has rather accepted her own death...
I have to agree that the opening was a bit slow and rather 'Telly.' I'd have cut down the opening a bit to add some more text at the end, showing just how horrified Celestia is, or having her show a bit more fire... Instead it seems like she has rather accepted her own death...