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Top stuff, this. A richness underpinning the narrative; sparse, but defining characterisation; evocative imparting of culture without alienating or being too abstract; a simple message, supported by a delightfully real portrayal of family life.
Skirts round the prompt, rather than embracing it, a little too much for my liking, but this is nevertheless very very well written.
Great work, thanks for sharing.
Skirts round the prompt, rather than embracing it, a little too much for my liking, but this is nevertheless very very well written.
Great work, thanks for sharing.
Dinner came late that day as Abuela stroked my mane.
What the what?
Anyway. This story has the same issue as many others. It takes the prompt and strongly uses it for one scene, but doesn't do a good job at implementing it with the rest. I can't say I blame you, though. It's just that the potential was there, but wasn't used. Maybe you could have used cooking as a way forma Sofía to bond with her grandma. Or perhaps end it so she still makes the same sandwiches ver grandma madre now that she's older.
These are minor gripes, though. This is still one of the strongest contenders in this round, it manages to be emotional without going overboard, hitting a nice balance.
Good job.
I'll have to try that PB and chili sandwich at some point...
Gonna try this round to keep feedback to a minimum so I'm not spending all week typing reviews.
This story does that thing that I hate in literary fiction, of launching into digressions at the drop of a hat to break up the narrative:
That's not to say it's a bad thing. But it's a style I don't appreciate for its own sake, and here there are points at which it seems unusually blatant to me (like above). I know there's a way to do this right/engagingly, since I've seen stories that chaotically leap about without sacrificing that sense of flow, but unfortunately I don't read nearly enough literary fiction to tell you how to get there. :(
Against that, there are a number of nice turns of phrase here. The opening packs in a lot of information without feeling as dense as it is, and the brief portrait of the abuela is effective with well-chosen details. I may not appreciate the forest but I like the trees.
The narrative leap forward here is confusing and a little premature, and the ending feels very abbreviated. I think this particular story would benefit from sticking to chronological order, and expanding out the final section past the 750-word cap.
On the whole, this is kind of an archetypical Writeoff story: I can see glimmers of quality, especially in the details of the prose, but it feels constrained by time/wordcount/lack of editing. It's the first thing I'm rating but it's probably going to end up in around the middle of my slate.
Tier: Almost There
This story does that thing that I hate in literary fiction, of launching into digressions at the drop of a hat to break up the narrative:
The question slipped out. “Why do you wear this robe?”
Abuela’s strokes quickened, and it reminded me of the strength that lived in her fingers. It was with those fingers that she worked as a weaver for fifty years ...
That's not to say it's a bad thing. But it's a style I don't appreciate for its own sake, and here there are points at which it seems unusually blatant to me (like above). I know there's a way to do this right/engagingly, since I've seen stories that chaotically leap about without sacrificing that sense of flow, but unfortunately I don't read nearly enough literary fiction to tell you how to get there. :(
Against that, there are a number of nice turns of phrase here. The opening packs in a lot of information without feeling as dense as it is, and the brief portrait of the abuela is effective with well-chosen details. I may not appreciate the forest but I like the trees.
I always wondered how she could stand wearing such a garment in this heat. Even now, with haze covering my brain, I stared into the fabric, kneading the stitches.
The narrative leap forward here is confusing and a little premature, and the ending feels very abbreviated. I think this particular story would benefit from sticking to chronological order, and expanding out the final section past the 750-word cap.
On the whole, this is kind of an archetypical Writeoff story: I can see glimmers of quality, especially in the details of the prose, but it feels constrained by time/wordcount/lack of editing. It's the first thing I'm rating but it's probably going to end up in around the middle of my slate.
Tier: Almost There
And re prompt usage (cf. >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>ZaidValRoa): first let me note that there is no "right" way to vote, and it is perfectly legitimate to dock points for weak prompt adherence. That said, my personal opinion is that the prompt is a starting point rather than an endpoint, and as long as you can squint and see the prompt from some angle in the story, I'm inclined to otherwise completely ignore that in my scoring. Here's why. In a round with several dozen rapid-fire stories — especially with an unusually unambiguous prompt like "Look, I Just Want My Sandwich" — the cumulative effect of them all makes the obvious interpretation tedious, and it's easy to succumb to reader fatigue. Authors willing to take liberties with the interpretation break that up and give you something fresh; it's a necessary mercy if you read beyond a single slate.
Enjoyed - Nuestra Senora — A+ — First reaction: I want to read this fic out loud in Ricardo Montalban's voice with the way he says “Rich Corinthian leather.” Or Antonio Banderas.
(+) Sucks the reader right in to the point where you can hear the flamenco guitar in the background. Rides that razor edge of reality and mythology right to the end.
(-) Mane? Somebody’s used to writing pony fic. Also, peanut butter and chili?
P.S. When this is over, can we get a reading of this from a woman with a spanish accent?
(+) Sucks the reader right in to the point where you can hear the flamenco guitar in the background. Rides that razor edge of reality and mythology right to the end.
(-) Mane? Somebody’s used to writing pony fic. Also, peanut butter and chili?
P.S. When this is over, can we get a reading of this from a woman with a spanish accent?
I’m more with Horizon here. First, there’s this mane who had jarred me out of the fic. Then there is a tense shift here (at least I think so):
I think you should've used the pluperfect (since the moments/experiences you most are past w/r to the narration itself set in the past). Why “it’s” instead of “it was ”?
Apart from those nick picks, great writing throughout.
It’s a very evocative story, with a lot of imagery packed in, and a carefully dosed load of nostalgia. However, I’m still wondering what exactly means the symbolism here. Is that a blend between religion and paganism? It’s not really clear, and it left me pondering. Besides, what’s the point of your protagonist skirting on the line boy/girl?
It was with those fingers that she worked as a weaver for fifty years, with which she gave birth to four children, that she hit my father with whenever he stepped out of line. And it’s those fingers that lifted me up so that I could sit on her lap.
I think you should've used the pluperfect (since the moments/experiences you most are past w/r to the narration itself set in the past). Why “it’s” instead of “it was ”?
Apart from those nick picks, great writing throughout.
It’s a very evocative story, with a lot of imagery packed in, and a carefully dosed load of nostalgia. However, I’m still wondering what exactly means the symbolism here. Is that a blend between religion and paganism? It’s not really clear, and it left me pondering. Besides, what’s the point of your protagonist skirting on the line boy/girl?
...Dubs, was this you? Because someone's getting literary.
Actually, I enjoyed this on the whole. However, I didn't really have any idea of what the MC was like until a good ways in, since the opening description was literally equivocation about gender, and it's first-person and what.
Moreover, I'm a bit skeptical about the point of the whole thing. We get: Picked on -> given a cloak -> happily ever after or something? The bonding with her grandmother was nice, but the issue of being picked on (the only conflict in the story, as far as I can tell) is never actually cleared up, and what the cloak really means (how it helps with being picked on, since it seems to be presented as an answer to that) isn't elucidated on. It's simply presented at the end as a keepsake.
This was well-written, but seems structurally unsound to me.
Actually, I enjoyed this on the whole. However, I didn't really have any idea of what the MC was like until a good ways in, since the opening description was literally equivocation about gender, and it's first-person and what.
Moreover, I'm a bit skeptical about the point of the whole thing. We get: Picked on -> given a cloak -> happily ever after or something? The bonding with her grandmother was nice, but the issue of being picked on (the only conflict in the story, as far as I can tell) is never actually cleared up, and what the cloak really means (how it helps with being picked on, since it seems to be presented as an answer to that) isn't elucidated on. It's simply presented at the end as a keepsake.
This was well-written, but seems structurally unsound to me.
This is a very well written scene, showcasing emotion and family connections in a way that makes it stand out. However, there isn't much of a story to take away here. I can't say what the "thesis statement" of it would be.
The messaging about Santa Muerte is rather mixed as well. That she protects against sadness, but is a saint of death... it's not explained how or why this is relevant to the main character. She's shown as having typical children's problems, but is writing in a way that seems pretty upbeat and pleased to have her abuela with her as well.
Overall, excellent and concise evocation of both character and scene, but the plot doesn't do much.
The messaging about Santa Muerte is rather mixed as well. That she protects against sadness, but is a saint of death... it's not explained how or why this is relevant to the main character. She's shown as having typical children's problems, but is writing in a way that seems pretty upbeat and pleased to have her abuela with her as well.
Overall, excellent and concise evocation of both character and scene, but the plot doesn't do much.
