Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
A Case of Sandwiches
"Look," Theo began for the seventh time. "I just want my sandwich. Please!"
"But I've already given you one," the ethereal entity responded from across the table. "You asked for one, and I—"
"Sandwich!" Theo repeated. A small vein pulsed on the side of his temple. "Bread, ham, and cheese! Possibly mustard or onions. Not sand witch!" He waved his hands in the air. "You know, food? The kind normal people eat!" The ethereal entity mouth budged, only to be cut off an instant later. "Don't you start again!"
"I don't see what the big deal is." The ethereal entity shrugged. "Seems perfectly fine to me."
Theo groaned. Being a teenager was difficult enough—college applications, crappy internet connection, grumbling parents—without him having to be exposed to Everest doses of weirdness. The entity across him, more light silhouette than entity, took another swig from his beer then left the bottle floating in mid-air.
"Here you go, sweetie." A gold-skinned girl placed a large dish in front of Theo—four sandwiches, perfectly arranged, each cut in half. "Enjoy." She smiled, looking at him expectantly.
Theo froze. Just being close to her sent chills down his spine. What would his parents say when they saw her! What would his friends say? Sure they would be jealous for a minute or two, but then the questions would start—questions to which he had no sane answer. Her clothes, her hair, her very skin were straight from a low budget sci-fi movie.
"Something wrong?" She leaned closer, causing Theo pull away, chair and all.
"See? She even brought you a sandwich!" The ethereal entity clapped. For a moment, Theo almost thought he saw it grin. "What's more perfect than that?"
"She's a Sand Witch!" Theo raised his voice, yet not too much now that the "witch" was standing next to him. "Her clothes are made of sand!" Mom is going to have a fit! "Just look!" He pointed at the floor. Several trails of sand were clearly visible going from the table to the fridge. "Who'll clean up after her?!"
"I could—" the girl began, only to have Theo continue.
"And a witch!" He looked around nervously. He didn't want some nosy neighbour to come storming in and go on a tirade about political correctness. "Do you know what happens in stories with witches? People around them end up dead or transformed to pigs!"
"Hansel and Gretel." The girl crossed her arms.
"Huh?" Theo blinked.
"In that story the witch dies." The witch grabbed one of the sandwiches from Theo's plate and very demonstratively took a bite. "And you don't need help turning into a pig!" She leaned over him, her nose almost touching his. "I can read your mind."
Crap! Theo looked to the side flustered.
"Wonderful!" The ethereal entity stolid up, then finished his beer. "Everything looks fine here, so I'll be on my way."
"Wait!" Theo shouted, but it was already too late. The entity had disappeared in a flash of light leaving him and "his" sand witch in the kitchen. There was a long moment of silence. "But I just wanted a sandwich." He looked at her, pleading.
"And I just wanted a Boye," she replied, sitting down in the nearest chair.
"A boy?" Theo's cheeks fluster once more.
"A magical poodle belonging to a prince of Rhine." The girl took another bite of her sandwich. "I'm not exactly thrilled either."
"Ah." He nodded as if the explanation made any sense. Quite stupid really, since she could easily tell it didn't. "So what happens now? We start going to flea markets and fortune tellers? We try to get the glowing guy back and fix—"
"Oh, shut up and finish your sandwich," she laughed, licking the tips of her fingers. "You got what you wanted. Tomorrow we go shopping for poodles."
"But I've already given you one," the ethereal entity responded from across the table. "You asked for one, and I—"
"Sandwich!" Theo repeated. A small vein pulsed on the side of his temple. "Bread, ham, and cheese! Possibly mustard or onions. Not sand witch!" He waved his hands in the air. "You know, food? The kind normal people eat!" The ethereal entity mouth budged, only to be cut off an instant later. "Don't you start again!"
"I don't see what the big deal is." The ethereal entity shrugged. "Seems perfectly fine to me."
Theo groaned. Being a teenager was difficult enough—college applications, crappy internet connection, grumbling parents—without him having to be exposed to Everest doses of weirdness. The entity across him, more light silhouette than entity, took another swig from his beer then left the bottle floating in mid-air.
"Here you go, sweetie." A gold-skinned girl placed a large dish in front of Theo—four sandwiches, perfectly arranged, each cut in half. "Enjoy." She smiled, looking at him expectantly.
Theo froze. Just being close to her sent chills down his spine. What would his parents say when they saw her! What would his friends say? Sure they would be jealous for a minute or two, but then the questions would start—questions to which he had no sane answer. Her clothes, her hair, her very skin were straight from a low budget sci-fi movie.
"Something wrong?" She leaned closer, causing Theo pull away, chair and all.
"See? She even brought you a sandwich!" The ethereal entity clapped. For a moment, Theo almost thought he saw it grin. "What's more perfect than that?"
"She's a Sand Witch!" Theo raised his voice, yet not too much now that the "witch" was standing next to him. "Her clothes are made of sand!" Mom is going to have a fit! "Just look!" He pointed at the floor. Several trails of sand were clearly visible going from the table to the fridge. "Who'll clean up after her?!"
"I could—" the girl began, only to have Theo continue.
"And a witch!" He looked around nervously. He didn't want some nosy neighbour to come storming in and go on a tirade about political correctness. "Do you know what happens in stories with witches? People around them end up dead or transformed to pigs!"
"Hansel and Gretel." The girl crossed her arms.
"Huh?" Theo blinked.
"In that story the witch dies." The witch grabbed one of the sandwiches from Theo's plate and very demonstratively took a bite. "And you don't need help turning into a pig!" She leaned over him, her nose almost touching his. "I can read your mind."
Crap! Theo looked to the side flustered.
"Wonderful!" The ethereal entity stolid up, then finished his beer. "Everything looks fine here, so I'll be on my way."
"Wait!" Theo shouted, but it was already too late. The entity had disappeared in a flash of light leaving him and "his" sand witch in the kitchen. There was a long moment of silence. "But I just wanted a sandwich." He looked at her, pleading.
"And I just wanted a Boye," she replied, sitting down in the nearest chair.
"A boy?" Theo's cheeks fluster once more.
"A magical poodle belonging to a prince of Rhine." The girl took another bite of her sandwich. "I'm not exactly thrilled either."
"Ah." He nodded as if the explanation made any sense. Quite stupid really, since she could easily tell it didn't. "So what happens now? We start going to flea markets and fortune tellers? We try to get the glowing guy back and fix—"
"Oh, shut up and finish your sandwich," she laughed, licking the tips of her fingers. "You got what you wanted. Tomorrow we go shopping for poodles."
That was clever, and it plays nicely into the "Trickster Genie" trope. (I blame their inflection)
I do wish we could have learned a bit more about the genie, or why the protagonist just wanted a sandwich. However, I understand these admittedly minor points were sacrificed in favour of the narrative. I still wish we could have seen more of the "witch" side of the sand witch instead of keeping it relegated to an off-hand joke
Still, it was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Good job.
I do wish we could have learned a bit more about the genie, or why the protagonist just wanted a sandwich. However, I understand these admittedly minor points were sacrificed in favour of the narrative. I still wish we could have seen more of the "witch" side of the sand witch instead of keeping it relegated to an off-hand joke
Still, it was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Good job.
Ah, the first of the many 'sand witch' interpretations that I've been hearing so much about. I don't mind that in the slightest... there's been more than a few fics that interpreted the prompt at face value too, and it's all in the execution anyway.
And this is executed pretty well, actually, occasional awkward phrasing aside (The entity across him, more light silhouette than entity). There are some moments of witty banter that brought a smile to my face, particularly this:
Though i do have to question his concerns, somewhat. Ratio of stories referencing witches and genies notwithstanding, you are far more likely to come into mortal peril from associating with a genie. Hasn't Theo read One Thousand and One Nights?
The reveal of her wants elevates this fic in my opinion, particularly as by this point the play on 'sand witch' was in danger of outstaying its welcome. The last line is good, but given what is revealed about her character, and her appraisal of her situation, I think a reaction other than laughter would have made it work better for me.
Not bad, this. Thanks for sharing.
And this is executed pretty well, actually, occasional awkward phrasing aside (The entity across him, more light silhouette than entity). There are some moments of witty banter that brought a smile to my face, particularly this:
"And you don't need help turning into a pig!" She leaned over him, her nose almost touching his. "I can read your mind."
Though i do have to question his concerns, somewhat. Ratio of stories referencing witches and genies notwithstanding, you are far more likely to come into mortal peril from associating with a genie. Hasn't Theo read One Thousand and One Nights?
The reveal of her wants elevates this fic in my opinion, particularly as by this point the play on 'sand witch' was in danger of outstaying its welcome. The last line is good, but given what is revealed about her character, and her appraisal of her situation, I think a reaction other than laughter would have made it work better for me.
Not bad, this. Thanks for sharing.
There's a lot:
That's fun here, but it's not till the very end that we find out we're in the kitchen. So I wasn't able to visualize the scene throughout its entire length: it was just figures floating in empty space for most of the story. Also, Theo's worried about his parents finding out, but if we're in the kitchen rather than his room, I have to wonder where the parents are? Have they gone out for dinner and he's expecting them back any minute? That adds a ticking clock to the scene and gives it more tension.
How did the entity get there? Is there a bottle on the table in front of Theo or something similar? Did the witch conjure up the sandwiches with her magic? Or is she familiar enough with the modern kitchen to make them the regular mundane way? If it's this second one, you could have her interrupting Theo and the entity's discussion with questions as to where the various ingredients are located.
Like I said, it's fun. But try to think as you're writing, "What questions will the reader have about all this?" And then find a way to answer those questions in a sentence or a couple words.
Mike
That's fun here, but it's not till the very end that we find out we're in the kitchen. So I wasn't able to visualize the scene throughout its entire length: it was just figures floating in empty space for most of the story. Also, Theo's worried about his parents finding out, but if we're in the kitchen rather than his room, I have to wonder where the parents are? Have they gone out for dinner and he's expecting them back any minute? That adds a ticking clock to the scene and gives it more tension.
How did the entity get there? Is there a bottle on the table in front of Theo or something similar? Did the witch conjure up the sandwiches with her magic? Or is she familiar enough with the modern kitchen to make them the regular mundane way? If it's this second one, you could have her interrupting Theo and the entity's discussion with questions as to where the various ingredients are located.
Like I said, it's fun. But try to think as you're writing, "What questions will the reader have about all this?" And then find a way to answer those questions in a sentence or a couple words.
Mike
The entity across him, more light silhouette than entity, took another swig from his beer then left the bottle floating in mid-air.
For some reason I can't help but picture this.
I liked this one well enough when I understood what was going on, but as >>Baal Bunny says, this has some context problems. It starts out setting up a conflict at some length about him not getting the sandwich he wants, and then suddenly there's a new character on the scene who solves the problem before even being introduced, and if they're all sitting in the same room together I don't understand why he would have made such a big deal of the food when she was in the process of making him some.
Theo froze. Just being close to her sent chills down his spine. What would his parents say when they saw her! ...
This paragraph strongly implies that he's reacting as if this is the first time he'd seen her, but if so, I don't understand how he knows (in advance of her arrival) that the genie got the wording wrong.
"Do you know what happens in stories with witches? People around them end up dead or transformed to pigs!"
"Hansel and Gretel." The girl crossed her arms.
"Huh?" Theo blinked.
"In that story the witch dies."
If you're trying to prove that witches and mundane humans can peacefully coexist, a story where the witch is murdered probably isn't your best counterexample.
On the bright side, the reversal at the end (of the witch suffering from the same genie problem) is cute. This is a much better story after it settles down from the cold open.
Tier: Almost There
I have little to add here to what has already been said. There are a few typos/missing commas/tense shifts, but nothing worth digging into.
The witch character seems adorable and pert, much like the witches out of the old Bewitched show. You just left one big question unanswered: how will the boy's parents react? First, you explicitly mention the boy being antsy about his parents reaction, then you blithely avance to a “let's go shop a poodle tomorrow”. What if… :P
The witch character seems adorable and pert, much like the witches out of the old Bewitched show. You just left one big question unanswered: how will the boy's parents react? First, you explicitly mention the boy being antsy about his parents reaction, then you blithely avance to a “let's go shop a poodle tomorrow”. What if… :P
A jokefic with not one, but two jokes in it? Nice!
I can't help but try to string some sort of narrative together here, between this, "Where's My Sand, Witch?" and "The Sandwitch".
On the whole, this is excellent work. It's paced well, the descriptions are elegant and economical, and the characterization is crisp. A few sentences could use some polishing, though, and it ends up feeling somewhat shallow, but eh. That's a jokefic for you, I guess.
I can't help but try to string some sort of narrative together here, between this, "Where's My Sand, Witch?" and "The Sandwitch".
On the whole, this is excellent work. It's paced well, the descriptions are elegant and economical, and the characterization is crisp. A few sentences could use some polishing, though, and it ends up feeling somewhat shallow, but eh. That's a jokefic for you, I guess.
"The ethereal entity" was a phrase used FAR too many times. Likewise just "The entity." You could hardly pick a worse six letter word to take up three syllables. It grates. Several grammatical/typo problems do as well.
Beyond that... The pun of "Sand Witch/Sandwich is tired from the first use. I want a subversion of it, but... it's not found here.
Still though, you did a decent job giving character and depth to the witch and to Theo, and that's no small thing.
Overall, I think it's an admirable attempt, but by failing to either directly embrace the prompt OR reject it, this comes up middling to me.
Beyond that... The pun of "Sand Witch/Sandwich is tired from the first use. I want a subversion of it, but... it's not found here.
Still though, you did a decent job giving character and depth to the witch and to Theo, and that's no small thing.
Overall, I think it's an admirable attempt, but by failing to either directly embrace the prompt OR reject it, this comes up middling to me.
"Hansel and Gretel?" Really? You're counter to the argument that witches in stories are always killing or hurting people is a story where a witch is trying to eat two children, but dies because she fails? Somehow that's not a confidence booster! ;>
Still, I agree with the above reviews. It was cute and clever, and works from both the boy's direction and the witches. Well done and amusing. :)
Still, I agree with the above reviews. It was cute and clever, and works from both the boy's direction and the witches. Well done and amusing. :)
