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A Soul Falls From Grace
When you hold the hopes and the future of a nation in your hooves, that can seem like all you are in the eyes of others, none have known that fact better than the Elements of Harmony, but what happens to the world when such a power is gone?
A sudden accident and the hope of a nation is crushed, 6 lives lost in a matter of moments. None could have predicted it and none could have stopped it. Even Celestia in her infinite wisdom was unable to prevent the loss of the greatest defence our world held against the forces of darkness.
This is the world we find ourselves in, a world suffering a loss of hope, a world that looks for someone to protect them and the ones who remain have searched out hope in any and all kinds available.
There were many who would search for it in other ponies, individuals with the strength, power or wisdom to guide them through their loss and suffering. Be they silver-tongued or honourable, good or evil, it didn’t matter. The weak and needy flocked to the powerful and the devious began to take advantage of any they could.
Not even Celestia’s guidance could protect her ponies from their depression and her control waned day by day as other rose in power. Certainly not by magical or physical power as there were none other than Luna who could truly compare, but with the loss of her champions her subjects faith in her rule had faded. Respect for her position was lessening and even with the added support of her sister Celestia was no longer the all powerful monarch she once was.
In all of this we find a young unicorn mare, barely out of her filly years. Still a bright and optimistic mind capable of seeing the good in other ponies and a future of happiness even as the world she grew up in crumbled around her.
Sanguine Soul was well known by her friends and family as a joyful mare, her bright silver coat and crimson mane would reflect what little light would reach the dark town of Hollow Shades. Like her cutie mark showed, a bright red heart with a wide smile in the center, her very presence was enough to light up the lives of those around her. Even when news of the fall of the Elements reached the town her smile never faltered, for she felt deeply that everything would be alright.
Skipping through the town she kept up the spirits of her fellow townsfolk and it felt like nothing could ever change that, for she was their light. A guiding spirit that kept the hopes of a community in her smile, but the corruption could not be kept at bay forever.
And so the day came where her resolve would be tested, where everything around her fell.
Just like every other day the sun barely shone through the cloud cover that covered the small town, ever present shadows giving the residences and residents a depressing visage as it always had. A light shower further giving the impression of a place of deep sadness as houses, the ground and ponies were covered in a thin layer of damp.
Everything would have seemed like a normal day were it not for a distant deep beating noise travelling through the air though there was nopony outside to hear it. As the morning stretched on the sound slowly grew louder and the ponies started to notice it, peaking their heads out windows and doors searching for the sound that was growing steadily. Soon enough it had grown so loud that it seemed as if the air was vibrating with the noise, like the air itself was a great beating heart.
That was when it happened, the slow steady beat suddenly sped up into 4 rapid booms, a powerful drum roll before a veritable army of ponies rushed into the village. Screams spread quickly throughout Hollow Shades as one after another ponies were cut down by the raiders. Mothers and fathers slaughtered in front of their children before they were killed next. The faster and stronger ponies dealt with quickly so the more vulnerable children and elders could be taken down with ease.
Not far away Sanguine Soul heard the attack begin, her morning fun of galloping through the thick trees surrounding the village coming to a sudden halt as her breath caught in her lungs and sweat broke out over her entire body. Screams broke through her mind, so unknown to her were they in her ever optimistic mind that she couldn’t understand what they could possible mean and she froze, unable to comprehend what could be causing such a terrible sound.
For an unknown time she just stood there, denial overriding her senses, trying to protect her from whatever was causing those noises.
Minutes, maybe hours passed before she was able to return to her senses. Sudden clarity entering her mind, allowing her to move and think, the panic rose in her chest as she galloped powerfully back to her village where she found a sight that she couldn’t begin to comprehend.
Blood splattered everywhere, corpses piled up in the centre of town burning even in the ever present rain, the muddy roads turned into a copper slush as the blood of an entire village seeped into the wet dirt and the heads of every pony she had ever known thrust upon the spiked fence that surrounded town hall.
Something inside Sanguine splintered in that moment, the moment her entire world was taken away from her. Never had she believed that such evil could exist, that anypony was capable of such acts of depravity and so her mind fractured. The trauma breaking her mind into hundreds of shards.
Voices inside her mind started to raise a chorus, most screaming in the shock of coming into being, others laughing from having the opportunity to have a chance to speak, dark parts of her mind reveling in their creation or release.
A war had begun to be waged within the mind of the unicorn mare. Good vs Evil, Light vs Dark, the voices, aspects of her mind fought each other for control. Most falling quickly and easily as more powerful parts of herself tore them down, strengthening themselves with the power of her enemies, until only two remained. Sanguine's Goodwill that survived by not fighting, others falling as they couldn’t bear to confront such powerful virtue and Vengeance, the evil force demanding to tear those who destroyed everything she held dear limb from limb.
The two powers within her were so balanced that neither could strike against the other, Goodwill and Vengeance in perfect harmony. The calm voice of Goodwill asking Vengeance to stand down and the rage filled screams of Vengeance demanding power.
“Vengeance, we are perfectly matched. There is naught you can do to make me submit,” Goodwill peaceably intoned.
”You will back down Goodwill! We must become Death and slaughter all that came here!” Vengeance responded in a guttural scream.
”Pain only begets more pain, while I believe that those who committed this act of cruelty deserve to be punished, if we act as they do we will only become as evil as those who have sundered this land.”
”Then we will be evil, they must pay for the blood that has been spilled!”
”STOP!” cried the voice of Sanguine, her personality finally reasserting itself as Goodwill and Vengeance continued to argue.
”I don’t know why you two are in my head, I’m so confused about what's happening but all I know is that I have just lost everything in my life and I can’t handle all of this fighting.”
”Apologies Madame Sanguine, it would appear that when your mind broke down it was separated into many pieces. Those affected by the darkness you have witnessed and those that still hold true to who you are. In removing most of those pieces it appears that most of your mind has returned to you, though the most powerful parts have created us. I as a creation of your joy and Goodwill to others and the other, Vengeance, the ultimate image of your desire to destroy those who have destroyed your way of life,” explained Goodwill.
As they conversed Sanguine with her eyes to the ground walked slowly to the edge of her village, not willing to see again the sights which had scarred her innocent mind so powerfully so as to fracture it.
Reaching the edge of the forest she attempted the block out the voices still arguing within her mind as she collapsed, tears streaking down from her eyes hidden within the fur already matted from the constant rainfall and dropping onto the muddy ground as she tried to forget everything that happened, but it had and there is no escaping it. Life as she knew it was over, her indomitable positive light had been broken, fractured like her mind and there was nothing she could do to bring it back.
In the relative shelter of a tree she lay there crying and shaking, curled into a ball in the mud she slowly drifted off, her mind turning to the safety of sleep.
”Please! Please don’t hurt me! I’ll tell you anything you want!,” screamed a voice waking Sanguine suddenly.
She was no longer in the forest, in fact she had no idea where she was. All she knew was that she was held an unfamiliar pegasus stallion in her magical field,blood and rain matted his dark green coat and blue multi-hued mane, his limbs splayed at unnatural angles with a white shard of bone sticking out of one. Disgusted at the horrible sight before her she tried to talk, to find out what was happening but no words came out. She couldn’t even open her mouth under her own power.
”Tell me where your leader is,” growled a voice that surprisingly came from her own mouth but in a voice that was like hers, but unlike at the same time.
”I can’t tell you, if I do my boss will kill me!” squeaked the stallion, pain obvious in his voice.
”If you don’t you will find there are much worse fates than death, you think that you’re in pain now? Just wait until I’ve finished with you. You will have wished that I had ended you right now,” the voice growled again out of Sanguine’s mouth.
Sanguine tried to fight to wrest control back to her body but Vengeance was too strong, its hate, its desire to cause pain and to find the raiders was just too strong. No matter what she just couldn’t take back control of her body.
”Ok! Just don’t hurt me anymore! My boss operates out of a large farm on the western edge of Fillydelphia, just travel east from here and you will find it,” the stallion answered while pointing off into the distance.
”Good, that’s all I needed,” cooed the dark voice out of her mouth because the magical aura moved only to the neck and head of the pegasus.
A rough force blasted out of her horn as it twisted the head of the stallion, swiftly snapping its neck. Control immediately came back to Sanguine and she jumped back before vomiting into the dirt in front of her. Disgust flooded her mind and body with the acts she was forced to commit and she continued to empty her stomach onto the ground.
She gasped, breath returning to her body after expelling the contents of her stomach before she could scream. A wail so powerful that it seemed the weather around her could hear it as the clouds themselves parted above her head and magic poured from her horn. So lost in pain she didn’t notice her body lifting and her magic surging. Everything around the silver unicorn began to burn, a perfect circle of powerful magic destroyed all that surrounded her before the magic fizzled out, exhausting her and dropping her once again into a deep sleep.
Sanguine Soul slowly stirred from her slumber, her mind gradually recollected the memories of what happened before her sudden sleep when they suddenly came back with force. Her mind and body reeled at the things she was forced to do.
”I disagree with the method you used Vengeance, doing such evil to complete these goals is unnecessary and a waste of precious life. Even if that life is one of darkness,” spoke a gentle and calm voice from Sanguine’s mouth, noticeably quieter than earlier.
”I do what I want to make them pay, I am Vengeance,” said Vengeance with a loud growl.
”Please don’t make me do that again,” whimpered Sanguine hoarsely, as if she hadn’t drank in a week.
”Madame Sanguine, we require water or else we will not survive after your unfortunate expulsion earlier and although I dislike to head in the direction Vengeance wishes to, Fillydelphia would be the best place to go,” Goodwill advised.
Agreeing and not wishing to speak to the others in her mind Sanguine headed off in the direction she believed to be towards Fillydelphia, stopping only to drink water at a nearby stream and eating some wild flowers growing by its banks to fill her stomach.
For hours she walked, not willing to stop even as exhaustion wore at her muscles until she could move no longer, she collapsed into the grass and slept.
When she woke again night had fallen and she continued, never stopping except to drink and eat when she found water or anything that looked safe and edible. For days she marched on hoping that she would see the city in the distance. As she marched she could feel her anger grow and what little optimism she had left weaken. The voice of Goodwill got quieter and quieter while Vengeance would veritably scream within her mind.
Sanguine forgot how long she had been walking when she finally saw the city as she crested the top of a large hill. Vengeance screamed in dark excitement and Goodwill’s once strong voice whimpered in the recesses of her mind.
She could see a farm not far from her and moved towards it, taking care not to be spotted in case her enemy had ponies watching for intruders. A large barn rose in the centre of the property, a pair of unicorns with axes and light armour guarded the entrance. This was where she needed to go, this was where she would find the one responsible for her suffering and she would end it.
Being not quite a fully grown mare allowed Sanguine to use her smaller frame to her advantage, sneaking through the farms wilting fields closer to the barn until she was only metres away. The door guards were still unaware of her presence so she quickly darted out of the fields cover and against the side of the barn. Sneaking forward, hoof by silent hoof she needed to plan how to get past them.
”I can get you inside,” whispered Vengeance in her head. ”All you have to do is let me take control.”
”I don’t trust you,” she whispered back, her voice had taken on a gravelly tone.
”Who cares, if you let me your family will get justice for their deaths. Isn’t that what you what little Sanguine?”
”Yes, but what will you do to them?”
”I’ll just teach them a little respect, they won’t hurt anyponies family ever again.”
”O-Ok, you can do it,” Sanguine acquiesced, her voice suddenly getting more guttural as she spoke the words.
”Hehehe”
Vengeance stalked forward, stopping as she reached the corner and peaked around spotting the guards still covering the barns entrance. Using her magic she levitated the guard axes, raising them above their heads before dropping them forcefully, beheading each of the guards at the same moment. They didn’t even have a chance to make a sound before their heads fell to the ground rolling away before the bodies followed, dropping sideways, never to get up again.
Slamming the doors open Vengeance galloped into the barn, dual axes levitated around her. Looking around she realised why Sanguine was able to sneak up to the barn so easily, the barn was full of ponies, many of which were armed and all were wearing some form of armor from thick cloth jackets to full metal barding.
”Who the bucking hell are you to enter my domain?” Called out a voice from ahead.
Looking up Vengeance saw a brown coated, black maned earth pony stallion wearing a jewel encrusted peytral and crown glinting in the light with an air of superiority about him.
”Are you the leader of these losers?” Growled Vengeance.
Angry murmurs started to raise from the ponies around Vengeance but the Earth Pony leader quiets them with a raised hoof.
”These are my faithful subjects whelp and you would do best to respect the new Prince of Equestria.”
”Prince? Don’t make me laugh, you’re just a pathetic mud pony. But thank you for telling me you're the one in charge. I am Vengeance, I am Death, I am the destroyer of lives and you will bow down to me!” she shouted before galloping forward.
The ‘Prince’ screamed in pure rage and lunged forward, picking up a sword from a unicorn he passed in his mouth before swinging it horizontally towards Vengeance. Using the handle of an axe Vengeance deflected the blade before swinging the other at the Earth Pony. Jumping back the ‘Prince’ dodged the heavy weapon.
Before Vengeance could attack again the ‘Prince’s’ forces attempted to swarm her. Lost in the fires of rage Vengeance stole as many weapons as she could in her levitation and attacked with lethal precision, each swing fatally injuring a pony or wounding them so they couldn’t get close enough to attack. Before long, with breath coming heavily, Vengeance stood in a circle of dead and wounded ponies.
”You dare come into my house and kill my men?” screamed the ‘Prince’ again as he resumed his attack. ”I’ll show you what I do to scum who enter my world and disrespect my rule.”
The sword from before swung toward Vengeance in the same attack she had already stopped. Using her axe she caught the swords blade and dragged it down, the blade of the axe forcing it out of the earth ponies mouth.
”Today you stare upon the face of Death,” whispered Vengeance as she funnelled magic through her horn.
A bright red beam of magic blasted the false Prince into the back wall of the barn burning through his body as it held him there, flames spreading across his body as first his fur burned off before burrowing deeper until there was naught but charred bones that dropped down onto the dirt floor of the barn.
A malicious smile adorned the face of the silver unicorn as she viewed the bloody carnage that surrounded her before she collapsed.
Struggling to stand Sanguine looked down at her hooves before she took a look around the barn, indiscriminate slaughter was all she could see and the blood that dripped from her coat slowly drying all she could feel.
”What have I become?”
A sudden accident and the hope of a nation is crushed, 6 lives lost in a matter of moments. None could have predicted it and none could have stopped it. Even Celestia in her infinite wisdom was unable to prevent the loss of the greatest defence our world held against the forces of darkness.
This is the world we find ourselves in, a world suffering a loss of hope, a world that looks for someone to protect them and the ones who remain have searched out hope in any and all kinds available.
There were many who would search for it in other ponies, individuals with the strength, power or wisdom to guide them through their loss and suffering. Be they silver-tongued or honourable, good or evil, it didn’t matter. The weak and needy flocked to the powerful and the devious began to take advantage of any they could.
Not even Celestia’s guidance could protect her ponies from their depression and her control waned day by day as other rose in power. Certainly not by magical or physical power as there were none other than Luna who could truly compare, but with the loss of her champions her subjects faith in her rule had faded. Respect for her position was lessening and even with the added support of her sister Celestia was no longer the all powerful monarch she once was.
In all of this we find a young unicorn mare, barely out of her filly years. Still a bright and optimistic mind capable of seeing the good in other ponies and a future of happiness even as the world she grew up in crumbled around her.
Sanguine Soul was well known by her friends and family as a joyful mare, her bright silver coat and crimson mane would reflect what little light would reach the dark town of Hollow Shades. Like her cutie mark showed, a bright red heart with a wide smile in the center, her very presence was enough to light up the lives of those around her. Even when news of the fall of the Elements reached the town her smile never faltered, for she felt deeply that everything would be alright.
Skipping through the town she kept up the spirits of her fellow townsfolk and it felt like nothing could ever change that, for she was their light. A guiding spirit that kept the hopes of a community in her smile, but the corruption could not be kept at bay forever.
And so the day came where her resolve would be tested, where everything around her fell.
Just like every other day the sun barely shone through the cloud cover that covered the small town, ever present shadows giving the residences and residents a depressing visage as it always had. A light shower further giving the impression of a place of deep sadness as houses, the ground and ponies were covered in a thin layer of damp.
Everything would have seemed like a normal day were it not for a distant deep beating noise travelling through the air though there was nopony outside to hear it. As the morning stretched on the sound slowly grew louder and the ponies started to notice it, peaking their heads out windows and doors searching for the sound that was growing steadily. Soon enough it had grown so loud that it seemed as if the air was vibrating with the noise, like the air itself was a great beating heart.
That was when it happened, the slow steady beat suddenly sped up into 4 rapid booms, a powerful drum roll before a veritable army of ponies rushed into the village. Screams spread quickly throughout Hollow Shades as one after another ponies were cut down by the raiders. Mothers and fathers slaughtered in front of their children before they were killed next. The faster and stronger ponies dealt with quickly so the more vulnerable children and elders could be taken down with ease.
Not far away Sanguine Soul heard the attack begin, her morning fun of galloping through the thick trees surrounding the village coming to a sudden halt as her breath caught in her lungs and sweat broke out over her entire body. Screams broke through her mind, so unknown to her were they in her ever optimistic mind that she couldn’t understand what they could possible mean and she froze, unable to comprehend what could be causing such a terrible sound.
For an unknown time she just stood there, denial overriding her senses, trying to protect her from whatever was causing those noises.
Minutes, maybe hours passed before she was able to return to her senses. Sudden clarity entering her mind, allowing her to move and think, the panic rose in her chest as she galloped powerfully back to her village where she found a sight that she couldn’t begin to comprehend.
Blood splattered everywhere, corpses piled up in the centre of town burning even in the ever present rain, the muddy roads turned into a copper slush as the blood of an entire village seeped into the wet dirt and the heads of every pony she had ever known thrust upon the spiked fence that surrounded town hall.
Something inside Sanguine splintered in that moment, the moment her entire world was taken away from her. Never had she believed that such evil could exist, that anypony was capable of such acts of depravity and so her mind fractured. The trauma breaking her mind into hundreds of shards.
Voices inside her mind started to raise a chorus, most screaming in the shock of coming into being, others laughing from having the opportunity to have a chance to speak, dark parts of her mind reveling in their creation or release.
A war had begun to be waged within the mind of the unicorn mare. Good vs Evil, Light vs Dark, the voices, aspects of her mind fought each other for control. Most falling quickly and easily as more powerful parts of herself tore them down, strengthening themselves with the power of her enemies, until only two remained. Sanguine's Goodwill that survived by not fighting, others falling as they couldn’t bear to confront such powerful virtue and Vengeance, the evil force demanding to tear those who destroyed everything she held dear limb from limb.
The two powers within her were so balanced that neither could strike against the other, Goodwill and Vengeance in perfect harmony. The calm voice of Goodwill asking Vengeance to stand down and the rage filled screams of Vengeance demanding power.
“Vengeance, we are perfectly matched. There is naught you can do to make me submit,” Goodwill peaceably intoned.
”You will back down Goodwill! We must become Death and slaughter all that came here!” Vengeance responded in a guttural scream.
”Pain only begets more pain, while I believe that those who committed this act of cruelty deserve to be punished, if we act as they do we will only become as evil as those who have sundered this land.”
”Then we will be evil, they must pay for the blood that has been spilled!”
”STOP!” cried the voice of Sanguine, her personality finally reasserting itself as Goodwill and Vengeance continued to argue.
”I don’t know why you two are in my head, I’m so confused about what's happening but all I know is that I have just lost everything in my life and I can’t handle all of this fighting.”
”Apologies Madame Sanguine, it would appear that when your mind broke down it was separated into many pieces. Those affected by the darkness you have witnessed and those that still hold true to who you are. In removing most of those pieces it appears that most of your mind has returned to you, though the most powerful parts have created us. I as a creation of your joy and Goodwill to others and the other, Vengeance, the ultimate image of your desire to destroy those who have destroyed your way of life,” explained Goodwill.
As they conversed Sanguine with her eyes to the ground walked slowly to the edge of her village, not willing to see again the sights which had scarred her innocent mind so powerfully so as to fracture it.
Reaching the edge of the forest she attempted the block out the voices still arguing within her mind as she collapsed, tears streaking down from her eyes hidden within the fur already matted from the constant rainfall and dropping onto the muddy ground as she tried to forget everything that happened, but it had and there is no escaping it. Life as she knew it was over, her indomitable positive light had been broken, fractured like her mind and there was nothing she could do to bring it back.
In the relative shelter of a tree she lay there crying and shaking, curled into a ball in the mud she slowly drifted off, her mind turning to the safety of sleep.
”Please! Please don’t hurt me! I’ll tell you anything you want!,” screamed a voice waking Sanguine suddenly.
She was no longer in the forest, in fact she had no idea where she was. All she knew was that she was held an unfamiliar pegasus stallion in her magical field,blood and rain matted his dark green coat and blue multi-hued mane, his limbs splayed at unnatural angles with a white shard of bone sticking out of one. Disgusted at the horrible sight before her she tried to talk, to find out what was happening but no words came out. She couldn’t even open her mouth under her own power.
”Tell me where your leader is,” growled a voice that surprisingly came from her own mouth but in a voice that was like hers, but unlike at the same time.
”I can’t tell you, if I do my boss will kill me!” squeaked the stallion, pain obvious in his voice.
”If you don’t you will find there are much worse fates than death, you think that you’re in pain now? Just wait until I’ve finished with you. You will have wished that I had ended you right now,” the voice growled again out of Sanguine’s mouth.
Sanguine tried to fight to wrest control back to her body but Vengeance was too strong, its hate, its desire to cause pain and to find the raiders was just too strong. No matter what she just couldn’t take back control of her body.
”Ok! Just don’t hurt me anymore! My boss operates out of a large farm on the western edge of Fillydelphia, just travel east from here and you will find it,” the stallion answered while pointing off into the distance.
”Good, that’s all I needed,” cooed the dark voice out of her mouth because the magical aura moved only to the neck and head of the pegasus.
A rough force blasted out of her horn as it twisted the head of the stallion, swiftly snapping its neck. Control immediately came back to Sanguine and she jumped back before vomiting into the dirt in front of her. Disgust flooded her mind and body with the acts she was forced to commit and she continued to empty her stomach onto the ground.
She gasped, breath returning to her body after expelling the contents of her stomach before she could scream. A wail so powerful that it seemed the weather around her could hear it as the clouds themselves parted above her head and magic poured from her horn. So lost in pain she didn’t notice her body lifting and her magic surging. Everything around the silver unicorn began to burn, a perfect circle of powerful magic destroyed all that surrounded her before the magic fizzled out, exhausting her and dropping her once again into a deep sleep.
Sanguine Soul slowly stirred from her slumber, her mind gradually recollected the memories of what happened before her sudden sleep when they suddenly came back with force. Her mind and body reeled at the things she was forced to do.
”I disagree with the method you used Vengeance, doing such evil to complete these goals is unnecessary and a waste of precious life. Even if that life is one of darkness,” spoke a gentle and calm voice from Sanguine’s mouth, noticeably quieter than earlier.
”I do what I want to make them pay, I am Vengeance,” said Vengeance with a loud growl.
”Please don’t make me do that again,” whimpered Sanguine hoarsely, as if she hadn’t drank in a week.
”Madame Sanguine, we require water or else we will not survive after your unfortunate expulsion earlier and although I dislike to head in the direction Vengeance wishes to, Fillydelphia would be the best place to go,” Goodwill advised.
Agreeing and not wishing to speak to the others in her mind Sanguine headed off in the direction she believed to be towards Fillydelphia, stopping only to drink water at a nearby stream and eating some wild flowers growing by its banks to fill her stomach.
For hours she walked, not willing to stop even as exhaustion wore at her muscles until she could move no longer, she collapsed into the grass and slept.
When she woke again night had fallen and she continued, never stopping except to drink and eat when she found water or anything that looked safe and edible. For days she marched on hoping that she would see the city in the distance. As she marched she could feel her anger grow and what little optimism she had left weaken. The voice of Goodwill got quieter and quieter while Vengeance would veritably scream within her mind.
Sanguine forgot how long she had been walking when she finally saw the city as she crested the top of a large hill. Vengeance screamed in dark excitement and Goodwill’s once strong voice whimpered in the recesses of her mind.
She could see a farm not far from her and moved towards it, taking care not to be spotted in case her enemy had ponies watching for intruders. A large barn rose in the centre of the property, a pair of unicorns with axes and light armour guarded the entrance. This was where she needed to go, this was where she would find the one responsible for her suffering and she would end it.
Being not quite a fully grown mare allowed Sanguine to use her smaller frame to her advantage, sneaking through the farms wilting fields closer to the barn until she was only metres away. The door guards were still unaware of her presence so she quickly darted out of the fields cover and against the side of the barn. Sneaking forward, hoof by silent hoof she needed to plan how to get past them.
”I can get you inside,” whispered Vengeance in her head. ”All you have to do is let me take control.”
”I don’t trust you,” she whispered back, her voice had taken on a gravelly tone.
”Who cares, if you let me your family will get justice for their deaths. Isn’t that what you what little Sanguine?”
”Yes, but what will you do to them?”
”I’ll just teach them a little respect, they won’t hurt anyponies family ever again.”
”O-Ok, you can do it,” Sanguine acquiesced, her voice suddenly getting more guttural as she spoke the words.
”Hehehe”
Vengeance stalked forward, stopping as she reached the corner and peaked around spotting the guards still covering the barns entrance. Using her magic she levitated the guard axes, raising them above their heads before dropping them forcefully, beheading each of the guards at the same moment. They didn’t even have a chance to make a sound before their heads fell to the ground rolling away before the bodies followed, dropping sideways, never to get up again.
Slamming the doors open Vengeance galloped into the barn, dual axes levitated around her. Looking around she realised why Sanguine was able to sneak up to the barn so easily, the barn was full of ponies, many of which were armed and all were wearing some form of armor from thick cloth jackets to full metal barding.
”Who the bucking hell are you to enter my domain?” Called out a voice from ahead.
Looking up Vengeance saw a brown coated, black maned earth pony stallion wearing a jewel encrusted peytral and crown glinting in the light with an air of superiority about him.
”Are you the leader of these losers?” Growled Vengeance.
Angry murmurs started to raise from the ponies around Vengeance but the Earth Pony leader quiets them with a raised hoof.
”These are my faithful subjects whelp and you would do best to respect the new Prince of Equestria.”
”Prince? Don’t make me laugh, you’re just a pathetic mud pony. But thank you for telling me you're the one in charge. I am Vengeance, I am Death, I am the destroyer of lives and you will bow down to me!” she shouted before galloping forward.
The ‘Prince’ screamed in pure rage and lunged forward, picking up a sword from a unicorn he passed in his mouth before swinging it horizontally towards Vengeance. Using the handle of an axe Vengeance deflected the blade before swinging the other at the Earth Pony. Jumping back the ‘Prince’ dodged the heavy weapon.
Before Vengeance could attack again the ‘Prince’s’ forces attempted to swarm her. Lost in the fires of rage Vengeance stole as many weapons as she could in her levitation and attacked with lethal precision, each swing fatally injuring a pony or wounding them so they couldn’t get close enough to attack. Before long, with breath coming heavily, Vengeance stood in a circle of dead and wounded ponies.
”You dare come into my house and kill my men?” screamed the ‘Prince’ again as he resumed his attack. ”I’ll show you what I do to scum who enter my world and disrespect my rule.”
The sword from before swung toward Vengeance in the same attack she had already stopped. Using her axe she caught the swords blade and dragged it down, the blade of the axe forcing it out of the earth ponies mouth.
”Today you stare upon the face of Death,” whispered Vengeance as she funnelled magic through her horn.
A bright red beam of magic blasted the false Prince into the back wall of the barn burning through his body as it held him there, flames spreading across his body as first his fur burned off before burrowing deeper until there was naught but charred bones that dropped down onto the dirt floor of the barn.
A malicious smile adorned the face of the silver unicorn as she viewed the bloody carnage that surrounded her before she collapsed.
Struggling to stand Sanguine looked down at her hooves before she took a look around the barn, indiscriminate slaughter was all she could see and the blood that dripped from her coat slowly drying all she could feel.
”What have I become?”
I'd like to issue a challenge to you, author: Rewrite this story without the entire first scene.
I keep saying this — and I'll keep saying it forever — but: The opening of your story is vital, vital, vital. Those first few paragraphs are your chance to grab the reader, and with a weak and rambling lead they're going to wander away. Here, you're leading off with five paragraphs of exposition and an unnecessary introduction to the main character (not to mention, you wander between present and past tense). You do have something interesting in that the Mane Six are dead, but by explicitly setting that out as background material, you make it into an idea rather than a hook which can drive the story.
Basically, your actual story starts with "Sanguine Soul was well known by her friends and family as a joyful mare." Learning about her is still exposition (and I'm not in favor of exposition as an establishing shot), but at least it's exposition about the character we'll be spending all our time with.
All that stuff about the world falling into darkness? Don't dump it at us! Dangle it in front of our noses piece by piece, and it can become part of what draws us inward. Sanguine lives in a world where everypony's lost hope. (Why?) Because there's villains roaming the streets. (How did that happen?) The Mane 6 are dead. (Wait, what, why!?) Then you get to smile and steeple your fingers and work that into the fabric of your narration as you go.
You probably didn't want to telegraph your ending so much, either. Imagine how differently we would react to "My Little Dashie" if it had been called "Rainbow Dash Leaves At The End". ;-p
… okay, and as I continue reading, I'm seeing a lot of writing tropes and decisions that I associate with newer authors.
I hope it's okay if I derail my review to talk about that a little.
And I hope everyone keeps in mind that we've got a vast, vast difference in experience levels here, all competing in the same pool; I'm up near the top of the scoreboard, but I'm also creeping up on my 40th birthday and have been writing for three-quarters of that. It might be hard for you to see the criticism (and the low votes) here, but readers are comparing your story against the work of literal published professionals such as Baal Bunny and iirc Bad Horse — we're not going to get much better from here, and you'll improve quickly as you write and learn and work the basic mistakes out of your system.
And you definitely have a reasonable foundation upon which to build here. Your spelling and vocabulary are pretty clean; it looks like at least a little editing work went into this, which is something we can't take for granted on the tight Writeoff deadline. You do have some interesting ideas, like the literal incarnation of your main character's good and evil side — and even if this story chases down a black hole of grimness (and wholesale murder) that feels out of place to me with pony, there are clearly sub-fandoms like Fallout: Equestria where that's welcomed, so there's certainly an audience for the sort of story you want to tell here.
One of the major disconnects you're going to find between younger/newer authors and more experienced ones is in their opinions of the core of your story — which (and I really hope I can describe this objectively rather than as a value judgment) is revenge porn. Innocent filly has her world ripped away from her, (literally) struggles against giving in to vengeance, piles up a mountain of corpses and achieves justice but not happiness. The "porn" aspect of it comes from the detailed depictions of the death and torture on both sides of the equation, and from the way that she casually rips apart a roomful of armed adults once she gives in. This is not inherently a bad thing — it's in the same blunt wish-fulfillment bucket as, for example, the fandom ur-story My Little Dashie — but it's a story that appeals to its specific niche without much traction outside of it, because the vicarious thrill of the gore mutes everything else about the story.
One thing that I as a reader would have liked to see more of, for example, is a character arc in which Sanguine is faced with meaningful choices and makes sacrifices. But early on, her choice is ripped away by Vengeance literally taking over her body without any input on her part — she wakes up having just been forced to kill a pony — and that loss of agency reverberates throughout the story in ways that nullify a lot of its emotional impact for me. For instance:
I really don't understand why this choice is supposed to be significant when we already know he doesn't need her permission.
And then Vengeance tries to talk her into it by promising her that he'll "just teach them a little respect". But we, and she, have already seen Vengeance torture and murder a pony to death. Sanguine even threw up because of it! The fact that this is never brought up, and Sanguine sort of goes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ <(ok) and accepts his word for it, breaks my immersion hard. Someone who's reading for the vengeance porn would probably give you a pass on that, but this is a general audience.
I could keep going on like that, but you'll get enough feedback from other reviewers if you want more starting places for your editing, and the biggest thing I want to emphasize (both to you and to other newer authors here!) is:
Even though this is a story that needs a lot of work to reach its full potential, the solution is to keep at it. Every time you revise a story, you get better. Every time you write a story, you get better. Every simple mistake you make and get called on is a mistake that you don't have to make again, and the process of becoming a good writer is nothing more or less than graduating from simple mistakes to interesting mistakes.
Thanks for joining us! I'm afraid this one's not going to get a great vote from me, but it's an early step in a journey that can end with Writeoff medals and Featurebox stories and maybe even earning money for your writing.
Tier: Needs Work
I keep saying this — and I'll keep saying it forever — but: The opening of your story is vital, vital, vital. Those first few paragraphs are your chance to grab the reader, and with a weak and rambling lead they're going to wander away. Here, you're leading off with five paragraphs of exposition and an unnecessary introduction to the main character (not to mention, you wander between present and past tense). You do have something interesting in that the Mane Six are dead, but by explicitly setting that out as background material, you make it into an idea rather than a hook which can drive the story.
Basically, your actual story starts with "Sanguine Soul was well known by her friends and family as a joyful mare." Learning about her is still exposition (and I'm not in favor of exposition as an establishing shot), but at least it's exposition about the character we'll be spending all our time with.
All that stuff about the world falling into darkness? Don't dump it at us! Dangle it in front of our noses piece by piece, and it can become part of what draws us inward. Sanguine lives in a world where everypony's lost hope. (Why?) Because there's villains roaming the streets. (How did that happen?) The Mane 6 are dead. (Wait, what, why!?) Then you get to smile and steeple your fingers and work that into the fabric of your narration as you go.
And so the day came where her resolve would be tested, where everything around her fell.
Story Title: "A Soul Falls From Grace"
You probably didn't want to telegraph your ending so much, either. Imagine how differently we would react to "My Little Dashie" if it had been called "Rainbow Dash Leaves At The End". ;-p
… okay, and as I continue reading, I'm seeing a lot of writing tropes and decisions that I associate with newer authors.
I hope it's okay if I derail my review to talk about that a little.
And I hope everyone keeps in mind that we've got a vast, vast difference in experience levels here, all competing in the same pool; I'm up near the top of the scoreboard, but I'm also creeping up on my 40th birthday and have been writing for three-quarters of that. It might be hard for you to see the criticism (and the low votes) here, but readers are comparing your story against the work of literal published professionals such as Baal Bunny and iirc Bad Horse — we're not going to get much better from here, and you'll improve quickly as you write and learn and work the basic mistakes out of your system.
And you definitely have a reasonable foundation upon which to build here. Your spelling and vocabulary are pretty clean; it looks like at least a little editing work went into this, which is something we can't take for granted on the tight Writeoff deadline. You do have some interesting ideas, like the literal incarnation of your main character's good and evil side — and even if this story chases down a black hole of grimness (and wholesale murder) that feels out of place to me with pony, there are clearly sub-fandoms like Fallout: Equestria where that's welcomed, so there's certainly an audience for the sort of story you want to tell here.
One of the major disconnects you're going to find between younger/newer authors and more experienced ones is in their opinions of the core of your story — which (and I really hope I can describe this objectively rather than as a value judgment) is revenge porn. Innocent filly has her world ripped away from her, (literally) struggles against giving in to vengeance, piles up a mountain of corpses and achieves justice but not happiness. The "porn" aspect of it comes from the detailed depictions of the death and torture on both sides of the equation, and from the way that she casually rips apart a roomful of armed adults once she gives in. This is not inherently a bad thing — it's in the same blunt wish-fulfillment bucket as, for example, the fandom ur-story My Little Dashie — but it's a story that appeals to its specific niche without much traction outside of it, because the vicarious thrill of the gore mutes everything else about the story.
One thing that I as a reader would have liked to see more of, for example, is a character arc in which Sanguine is faced with meaningful choices and makes sacrifices. But early on, her choice is ripped away by Vengeance literally taking over her body without any input on her part — she wakes up having just been forced to kill a pony — and that loss of agency reverberates throughout the story in ways that nullify a lot of its emotional impact for me. For instance:
”I can get you inside,” whispered Vengeance in her head. ”All you have to do is let me take control.”
I really don't understand why this choice is supposed to be significant when we already know he doesn't need her permission.
And then Vengeance tries to talk her into it by promising her that he'll "just teach them a little respect". But we, and she, have already seen Vengeance torture and murder a pony to death. Sanguine even threw up because of it! The fact that this is never brought up, and Sanguine sort of goes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ <(ok) and accepts his word for it, breaks my immersion hard. Someone who's reading for the vengeance porn would probably give you a pass on that, but this is a general audience.
I could keep going on like that, but you'll get enough feedback from other reviewers if you want more starting places for your editing, and the biggest thing I want to emphasize (both to you and to other newer authors here!) is:
Even though this is a story that needs a lot of work to reach its full potential, the solution is to keep at it. Every time you revise a story, you get better. Every time you write a story, you get better. Every simple mistake you make and get called on is a mistake that you don't have to make again, and the process of becoming a good writer is nothing more or less than graduating from simple mistakes to interesting mistakes.
Thanks for joining us! I'm afraid this one's not going to get a great vote from me, but it's an early step in a journey that can end with Writeoff medals and Featurebox stories and maybe even earning money for your writing.
Tier: Needs Work
I'm having trouble framing my response to this. I get the impression from your writing style that you're a young and fairly inexperienced writer, someone who's just starting to find their voice and their footing. I don't want to rain on your parade, so to speak, but at the same time, the best way to help you improve is with a frank evaluation of what I see as the major problems in the story.
I guess what I'm trying to say is "don't take this personally, and don't be discouraged".
To begin with, most of what we're seeing here is told to us, rather than shown. To give an example:
You say a great deal here, but none of it is substantial - none of it tells us anything about who this character is, what they do, or what kind of person they are. There's a lot of flowery prose, but all we really get out of it is that Sanguine Soul is an upbeat pony.
There are better, more elegant ways to convey that in your story than by simply telling it. Show Sanguine in a conversation with someone, like a friend of hers, who says something like "gosh, did you hear about them raiders? Equestria sure is a pile of crap these days." Then Sanguine can say something upbeat and optimistic, like "don't worry, friend, this too shall pass and we'll all be friendship-is-magic-ing again before too long!"
By having that come out in conversation, you show your audience what kind of character they're dealing with; you establish their traits and personality in a more natural way.
You also need to put more thought into the specifics of your premise and the way things work in the universe you're building. The Mane Six are dead and the Elements of Harmony are useless, and Celestia has lost power. Okay, how? Why? If you feel that's important enough to warrant explaining to the reader, then we're gonna need some more details. The first plot point in the story is "raiders kill Sanguine's family". Why are there raiders? Why has society descended into anarchy and chaos? How long has it been since this accident?
Additionally, the idea of a character being subjected to such horrible trauma that her mind simply fractures between different personalities - that's interesting. That can be done well, and has been done well. But then things like this start happening:
How does Goodwill know that? If she's a product of Sanguine's mind, then she should only know as much as Sanguine does, right? How is she privy to this information that Sanguine would have no ability herself to understand? In a different story, perhaps one that isn't subject to an 8k word limit, this is the sort of thing that the character would gradually discover. Here, though, it's just known straight out the gate.
This story clearly has a lot of ambition behind it, and I'm wondering if a contest like this is the appropriate venue for it. There's too much going on, and too much that needs to be said, to effectively tell the story in eight thousand words.
I hope some of this helps.
I guess what I'm trying to say is "don't take this personally, and don't be discouraged".
To begin with, most of what we're seeing here is told to us, rather than shown. To give an example:
Sanguine Soul was well known by her friends and family as a joyful mare, her bright silver coat and crimson mane would reflect what little light would reach the dark town of Hollow Shades. Like her cutie mark showed, a bright red heart with a wide smile in the center, her very presence was enough to light up the lives of those around her. Even when news of the fall of the Elements reached the town her smile never faltered, for she felt deeply that everything would be alright.
Skipping through the town she kept up the spirits of her fellow townsfolk and it felt like nothing could ever change that, for she was their light. A guiding spirit that kept the hopes of a community in her smile, but the corruption could not be kept at bay forever.
You say a great deal here, but none of it is substantial - none of it tells us anything about who this character is, what they do, or what kind of person they are. There's a lot of flowery prose, but all we really get out of it is that Sanguine Soul is an upbeat pony.
There are better, more elegant ways to convey that in your story than by simply telling it. Show Sanguine in a conversation with someone, like a friend of hers, who says something like "gosh, did you hear about them raiders? Equestria sure is a pile of crap these days." Then Sanguine can say something upbeat and optimistic, like "don't worry, friend, this too shall pass and we'll all be friendship-is-magic-ing again before too long!"
By having that come out in conversation, you show your audience what kind of character they're dealing with; you establish their traits and personality in a more natural way.
You also need to put more thought into the specifics of your premise and the way things work in the universe you're building. The Mane Six are dead and the Elements of Harmony are useless, and Celestia has lost power. Okay, how? Why? If you feel that's important enough to warrant explaining to the reader, then we're gonna need some more details. The first plot point in the story is "raiders kill Sanguine's family". Why are there raiders? Why has society descended into anarchy and chaos? How long has it been since this accident?
Additionally, the idea of a character being subjected to such horrible trauma that her mind simply fractures between different personalities - that's interesting. That can be done well, and has been done well. But then things like this start happening:
”Apologies Madame Sanguine, it would appear that when your mind broke down it was separated into many pieces. Those affected by the darkness you have witnessed and those that still hold true to who you are. In removing most of those pieces it appears that most of your mind has returned to you, though the most powerful parts have created us. I as a creation of your joy and Goodwill to others and the other, Vengeance, the ultimate image of your desire to destroy those who have destroyed your way of life,” explained Goodwill.
How does Goodwill know that? If she's a product of Sanguine's mind, then she should only know as much as Sanguine does, right? How is she privy to this information that Sanguine would have no ability herself to understand? In a different story, perhaps one that isn't subject to an 8k word limit, this is the sort of thing that the character would gradually discover. Here, though, it's just known straight out the gate.
This story clearly has a lot of ambition behind it, and I'm wondering if a contest like this is the appropriate venue for it. There's too much going on, and too much that needs to be said, to effectively tell the story in eight thousand words.
I hope some of this helps.
>>horizon
In accordance with horizon's assessment, the opening scene reads like the opening monologue for a television show that is played every episode before the credits, not an actual introduction. An introduction in writing needs to be written with a strong hook that cuts a swath into the reader's mind and instantly introduces them to the story in an exciting or compelling manner.
The technical aspects of this story's presentation are what need the most work. The prose and construction of this story need a lot of fine tuning to be more artful in order to make their contents intriguing. The majority of the prose is purely utilitarian, giving flat, on the nose descriptions and doesn't particularly engage in any sort of rich language or scene construction. The ideas behind the story are interesting enough, but the author's inexperience marred the execution. The issue with this is story is not the so much the "What" of what is being presented (although there are quite a few questionable beats in the story), but rather "How" it is presented to the reader, which unfortunately is a more difficult and intangible road to improve that comes with experience.
I apologize if this seems condescending author, and I think you had a fine idea for a story.
Opinion: Heavy Maintenance Required
In accordance with horizon's assessment, the opening scene reads like the opening monologue for a television show that is played every episode before the credits, not an actual introduction. An introduction in writing needs to be written with a strong hook that cuts a swath into the reader's mind and instantly introduces them to the story in an exciting or compelling manner.
The technical aspects of this story's presentation are what need the most work. The prose and construction of this story need a lot of fine tuning to be more artful in order to make their contents intriguing. The majority of the prose is purely utilitarian, giving flat, on the nose descriptions and doesn't particularly engage in any sort of rich language or scene construction. The ideas behind the story are interesting enough, but the author's inexperience marred the execution. The issue with this is story is not the so much the "What" of what is being presented (although there are quite a few questionable beats in the story), but rather "How" it is presented to the reader, which unfortunately is a more difficult and intangible road to improve that comes with experience.
I apologize if this seems condescending author, and I think you had a fine idea for a story.
Opinion: Heavy Maintenance Required
I think most of the technical problems have been pointed out already, so I won't rehash them. Suffice to say, it needs some work.
Overall, I like the concept very much. The trope of having one's inner voices actually manifest in a tangible way is one I've always found quite interesting, and have done several stories on it myself. When that happened here, I was excited to see what became of it. The opening setting, of some haunted(ish) village, with one happy pony (who's name actually means bloody) in the midst of it was intriguing. I think the macabre doesn't get enough of a shake in Pony, so liked this glimpse of it.
Unfortunately, the story itself falls a bit short on plot. It follows a very predictable path of simply showing her turn evil (or turn to her evil side anyway.) What's missing is the struggle and conflict... what drives her to actually accept the control of Vengeance needs to be shown much, much more clearly.
Overall, I like the concept very much. The trope of having one's inner voices actually manifest in a tangible way is one I've always found quite interesting, and have done several stories on it myself. When that happened here, I was excited to see what became of it. The opening setting, of some haunted(ish) village, with one happy pony (who's name actually means bloody) in the midst of it was intriguing. I think the macabre doesn't get enough of a shake in Pony, so liked this glimpse of it.
Unfortunately, the story itself falls a bit short on plot. It follows a very predictable path of simply showing her turn evil (or turn to her evil side anyway.) What's missing is the struggle and conflict... what drives her to actually accept the control of Vengeance needs to be shown much, much more clearly.
I'm generally not a fan of grimdark stories like this, but this one didn't bother be as much as most do. It's possible that that's at least partially because there's not actually a whole lot that connects this to ponies. Should you be so inclined, you could easily file off the serial numbers, make everyone human, and turn this into an original piece. But if you want to keep it a ponyfic, that's fine too. But if you do, you should probably try to build off of the setting of MLP more.
But that's all just incidental. My real problem with this story is that there isn't really a character arc. Yes, Sanguine changes from the beginning to the end of the story, but it all happens at once. There needs to be more conflict between Vengeance and Goodwill. She needs to either struggle between the two sides before giving in, or the story needs to continue after this point and let her try to redeem herself.
But that's all just incidental. My real problem with this story is that there isn't really a character arc. Yes, Sanguine changes from the beginning to the end of the story, but it all happens at once. There needs to be more conflict between Vengeance and Goodwill. She needs to either struggle between the two sides before giving in, or the story needs to continue after this point and let her try to redeem herself.
I think you've rounded up enough advice from people way over my own level of competence. I will just pile on add some small elements about your prose, because I found it painful to read in places: many run-on sentences, and/or comma splices. I found myself often plodding through the text.
At that, there’s a lot of redundancy in what you write, as if you were trying to pad the story to get it over the 2,000 words limit. For example:
All the underlined phrases/sentences are redundant. They said exactly the same thing. They are also ungraceful repetitions:
But that's enough for now. There’s a lot of potential here, and I’m sure you’ll soon be able to mingle with the best writers around here! 😉
At that, there’s a lot of redundancy in what you write, as if you were trying to pad the story to get it over the 2,000 words limit. For example:
Something inside Sanguine splintered in that moment, the moment her entire world was taken away from her. Never had she believed that such evil could exist, that anypony was capable of such acts of depravity and so her mind fractured. The trauma breaking her mind into hundreds of shards.
All the underlined phrases/sentences are redundant. They said exactly the same thing. They are also ungraceful repetitions:
…through the cloud cover that covered the small town…
…sudden sleep when they suddenly…
But that's enough for now. There’s a lot of potential here, and I’m sure you’ll soon be able to mingle with the best writers around here! 😉
Wow. Opening with a run-on. Not the strongest first impression.
You know, this assertion of Celestia’s waning political might would be a lot more believable if you actually told us how the Mane Six died, especially since you made a point how even Celestia couldn’t have prevented it. Really, this whole first section feels more like a description than the start of the actual story; not an advisable method.
Also, this bloodbath would probably have a lot more impact if I had any sense of who these ponies were.
This is the most erudite psychological fragmentation I’ve ever seen.
Yeah, nothing more to add. Others have covered the story’s issues in exhaustive detail. Still, you definitely have something worth working with here. Better integrate the details of the alternate universe into the story (the lack of details is far more permissible if the information’s coming from Sanguine or the Prince than an omniscient narrator.) Make the audience care more about Sanguine and her pain. Throw in some scenes along the way that further demonstrate her psychological degradation rather than just assuring us it’s happening. This needs work, but it will be worth it.
You know, this assertion of Celestia’s waning political might would be a lot more believable if you actually told us how the Mane Six died, especially since you made a point how even Celestia couldn’t have prevented it. Really, this whole first section feels more like a description than the start of the actual story; not an advisable method.
Mothers and fathers slaughtered in front of their children before they were killed next.The thing about the verb “slaughter” is that the subject is the slaughterer, not the slaughtered, as opposed to if they were slaughtered. As such, this phrasing indicates that children witnessed their parents murder before those parents were slain in turn.
Also, this bloodbath would probably have a lot more impact if I had any sense of who these ponies were.
This is the most erudite psychological fragmentation I’ve ever seen.
Yeah, nothing more to add. Others have covered the story’s issues in exhaustive detail. Still, you definitely have something worth working with here. Better integrate the details of the alternate universe into the story (the lack of details is far more permissible if the information’s coming from Sanguine or the Prince than an omniscient narrator.) Make the audience care more about Sanguine and her pain. Throw in some scenes along the way that further demonstrate her psychological degradation rather than just assuring us it’s happening. This needs work, but it will be worth it.
Disclaimer: I am a person. Therefore, I have biases. I try to look at things objectively, but that does not mean I always succeed. Furthermore, I'm not an authority. If any of my critique does not make sense on its own, poke me to convey my reasoning, and upon hearing it, decide for yourself if it has validity or not. Also, all exaggerations and comparisons made are not to ridicule, but to better convey the essence of my critique. My reviews contain unmarked spoilers, although I may use the [.spoiler] command occasionally.
I was going to write about sentence composition, repetitiveness, and tense shifts, but I see all these covered in previous reviews already.
Instead, I'd like to point out that you might want to consider making your protagonist a bit less powerful and a bit more afraid. Having a juvenile, lone unicorn that presumably has never fought before walk into the head quarter of a murdering gang of adults with no worry in the world but whether killing them all would be an evil thing to do is sure to break immersion in most readers, even if you fix all the technical issues of your story. Her succeeding without a scratch will break immersion in almost all of them.
Concluding remarks:
This won't rank high with me because of its multitude of issues. Also because it's revenge porn. Still, good luck on your writing journey, dear author!
I was going to write about sentence composition, repetitiveness, and tense shifts, but I see all these covered in previous reviews already.
Instead, I'd like to point out that you might want to consider making your protagonist a bit less powerful and a bit more afraid. Having a juvenile, lone unicorn that presumably has never fought before walk into the head quarter of a murdering gang of adults with no worry in the world but whether killing them all would be an evil thing to do is sure to break immersion in most readers, even if you fix all the technical issues of your story. Her succeeding without a scratch will break immersion in almost all of them.
Concluding remarks:
This won't rank high with me because of its multitude of issues. Also because it's revenge porn. Still, good luck on your writing journey, dear author!
I want to preface this by saying yes, I know my writing was inherently flawed and I should have planned everything out much better... or at all. So I'll only be responding to corrections in what I wished to display even if I didn't do it as well as I could have.
1. Vengeance only took over the first time because she was unconscious and he took advantage of that to take control.
2. Sanguine has a double meaning. Joyful and blood-red.
I don't really have much more to add because the reviews I have been given are dead on about my failings in this story.
On another note though; I am currently rewriting this to be much longer and set in Sanguine's point of view with a lot more character and world building.
1. Vengeance only took over the first time because she was unconscious and he took advantage of that to take control.
2. Sanguine has a double meaning. Joyful and blood-red.
I don't really have much more to add because the reviews I have been given are dead on about my failings in this story.
On another note though; I am currently rewriting this to be much longer and set in Sanguine's point of view with a lot more character and world building.