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The End of an Era
What would you do if somepony took away your purpose in life? Something you spent all your time and energy discerning for yourself, without any help from your cutie mark? If you made a choice that would leave your life forever changed, putting greater purpose and profundity over having a comfortable, normal existence? Only for somepony to come along and reduce it to a dream? What if that same somepony also took away the two ponies that mattered the most to you? My name is Burnished Halberd, former member of Celestia’s Royal Guard, and this is the story of how the diarchy fell.
“Mornin’ Bernie, how was night shift?” The approaching pony, who Burnished knew as Stalwart Shield, offered a hoof.
Burnished reciprocated the hoof-bump. “Eh, not any different than most day shifts, although I didn’t have to deal with nobles attending day court. You know how that is, especially when Prince Blueblood wants his damned “priority queue.” Burnished said with a small smile before yawning, tired from a long night’s worth of standing in uniform.
“Eh, that one is just awful to be around. Ponies like him give royalty a bad name.” Stalwart retorted.
“They’re not all bad, some of them can be quite pleasant company. Fancy
His brashness aside, Stalwart Shield was one of those ponies who are shining examples of what kind of pony a royal guard should be, unlike myself. Loyal, and not afraid to stand up for what’s right. Unlike Shield, I didn’t join the guard based on any kind of feeling of duty or responsibility, I joined it for reasons which in contrast seem selfish. No, I joined the guard because I wanted to die knowing that I’d impact Equestria in some meaningful way, doing more than leaving a tombstone and the memory of the pony I was behind. I wanted to contribute to what makes Equestria the wonderful place it is.
Stalwart and I both joined the guard three years ago, and despite our differences, we’ve gotten along as if we were foalhood friends. Feeling a sense of duty to the country that had given him and those close to him so much, he joined.
“Oh, I forgot to mention, before you go home for the day, Celestia wanted to see you. You should hurry, day court starts soon, and you wouldn’t want to have to sit through that…”
Shaken from his daydream, Burnished headed towards the Solar Princess’ chambers, exchanging equipment to Stal for his shift.
“Did she say what she wanted?” Burnished calls back.
“No, only that you should come quickly. It must be important.”
“Something Celestia has to say, and it’s important? That narrows it down!”
Stal smiles at the sarcastic comment as Burnished continued inside from the balcony overlooking greater Canterlot.
Today was a morning out of a fairy tale, the sun slowly rising over the horizon, providing a picturesque view of an Equestrian sunrise over the magnificent city. The tips of the roofs glistened, giving the appearance that the whole city was glowing. It was an early autumn morning, and it was time for all of Equestria to rise and shine. Stal couldn’t remember a time where the sunrise, or any time during the day had been this beautiful, other than the annual Summer Sun Celebration. He wondered to himself; Maybe, as unlikely as it was for a pony like him, he had forgotten an important holiday. He continued to admire the good fortune the day had brought him, as he knew he wouldn’t be moving for quite a while.
Climbing the grand staircase of Canterlot Palace, Burnished trotted toward the Princess’ private quarters while wondering to himself what she had summoned him regarding. He thought maybe he’d be getting reassigned, but then thought that was unlikely, as he had only recently been assigned to night shift rather than day, to his dismay, as he appreciated the long conversations between him and Stal when there was nopony else around. He also saw no reason as to why Celestia of all ponies would address him about this when his superior could instead. Maybe he did something fantastic and the Princess wanted to personally thank him? He laughed internally at this notion, as he wasn’t the most fantastic of grunts, his aspirations lying far ahead on the day which he was the superior, a day when he was higher on the totem pole.
Catching himself daydreaming for the second time, Burnished mentally chastised himself for being so easily distractible as he came to the doors to Celestia’s private quarters. He approached the doors as stoically as possible, carefully knocked a hoof against it three times, and waited.
“Ah, there you are.”
Burnished jumped, startled at the sudden sound of Princess Celestia’s voice.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, Burnished.” Celestia approached from behind. “I presume Stal told you I had something I wanted to speak to you about?”
“He did, and not even a hint as to what about…” Burnished said, wryly.
Celestia let out a soft laugh. “Well, I did want it to be a surprise.”
That got his attention, even in his tired state. He couldn’t think of any time she had done anything of the sort, period.
Celestia saw his bewildered look and spoke up. “That’s twice I’ve caught you off guard, my little pony, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sure you’ve had a long night, so I’ll cut right to it. I’d like to personally congratulate you on your promotion to be the first of the Counter-Espionage Force of the guard. Despite that, this is a very somber occasion. You’ll be countering changeling spies. The reason I’ve asked you here to take this position is quite important: Recently, ponies within the guard have either failed to show up to their posts, ended up at the wrong post, or worse, gone missing entirely. I’m quite certain that the Royal Guard has been infiltrated by changelings, and may have been for a long time, even if these occurrences are recent. I’m not absolutely certain these events are related to changeling spies, however from evidence that I’ve seen thus far, they are the most likely suspect.”
Burnished’s eyes went wide. Changelings infiltrating the guard? How many of his fellow guards could possibly be changelings in disguise? Granted, he didn’t have too many friends in the guard besides Stal, as most guards weren’t the type of ponies he liked to hang around but the distinct possibility that the ponies he saw daily could all be lies frightened him considerably.
“I’m truly sorry to place such knowledge before you, my little pony, but I’m afraid to think what could happen if nothing is done to prevent any changeling attempts to replace ponies within the guard… I won’t stand for the very ponies intended to protect Equestria causing it harm. I’m entrusting you with such a task because you’ve given me reason to believe you’re not a changeling. You’ve been rather… forthcoming in the few times we’ve spoken one-on-one. And haven’t been afraid to make a joke once in awhile. Any changeling I’ve ever dealt with wouldn’t speak so freely. Equestria depends on something being done about it, and I cannot so much as say a word publicly or risk frightening everypony and scaring off the changelings among us. Your objective is to find and reveal the changeling infiltrators, preferably to me privately. Will you do this service to Equestria? I know it isn’t what you signed up for, and so I’m giving you a choice, but bear in mind if you say no, you’ll be isolated until those responsible for the strange occurrences are discovered.
“Wait.. But.. How…” Burnished took a moment to sort out his very confused thoughts. Why me? Why am I your first choice? I’m honored you’ve chosen me to carry out something so important for all of Equestria, but is there nopony you trust more than me?”
“You’re right, there are those I trust more. The simple and unfortunate fact is that any one of those ponies could be the changeling, whereas you’re a relatively recent addition to the royal guard, and as such, are a less likely suspect.”
“Okay. This is a lot to take in, but I want to help. And it would be rather un-fun to be watched constantly as opposed to starring in my own detective novel. Maybe when this is all over, I’ll write it into one so Princess Twilight can read it!”
On that, they both laughed.
“This is why I picked you for this, Halberd. It’s thanks to ponies like you that this palace isn’t the most dull place in Equestria. One of these years, you really should come to the Grand Galloping Gala, not as a guard, but as a guest. Let me know and I’ll get you a ticket. But first, you have changelings to find. Good luck.”
Burnished figured the first logical place to go was the guards’ barracks. Since after heading there, he could get a good night(day)’s rest, as it had been over twelve hours since he had gotten any sleep. The barracks had armor strewn about, spears lined up neatly on a spear rack, and many other things one would expect to see in such a place, but Burnished was way too tired to pay attention. He promptly climbed into a cot, and fell asleep.
The noise of guards talking and clip-clopping around and armor clanking against itself was the first thing that Burnished heard as he woke. It was sunset, or when his shift would normally begin, but as of today, he was a super cool changeling detective!
Burnished laughed at his own silly thoughts as he climbed to his hooves and looked around. No guard duty today, he thought. He’d finally have a little autonomy in his work in the guard, if only for a short time. Or, today might be the start of something beautiful in his job, but he wasn’t quite sure what. He said a polite hello to his fellow guards who were also waking up to head to their posts as he left. And now he was off to…
“You know, I have no orders, no concrete structure to stick to, only to find and expose changelings… I could go see Stal… for old times’ sake. Eh, why not?”
He galloped to the balcony he’d seen a thousand and one times, the one he and Stal always guard, but found him walking back on the way there, the changing of the guard apparently finding a replacement for Burnished, according to Stal.
“So, the Princess herself Celestia wants to speak to you privately, just to give you a reassignment? That’s hilarious!” Stal laughed, as if that was the furthest thing from reality.
“Actually, not quite. Have you ever noticed anypony disappearing recently, Stal?”
Stal’s face betrayed his confusion, clearly trying to put together how both of those subjects were related. “No, why? Have they been?”
“According to Celestia, we’ve been infiltrated. By changelings . Nopony can know, shouldn’t even be telling you. Everypony’s a suspect, and I’m the Smanish Inquisition. You’re not a changeling, are you Stalward?”
“I’m as much of a changeling as you are, Bernie.”
Both guards laughed at that, as they reached the barracks.
“Well, time for me to hit the hay, I’m beat.”
“Sleep well, my friend. And be careful, there’s a sinister plot going on here, and no one knows how long it’s been going on, we’re all likely in some form of danger. I just want you to be aware of what’s coming, and as my best and only friend in the guard, prepared. No laughing matter, to that end, be on your guard more than you’ve ever been. Any green flashes means something’s definitely up. The success of this mission hangs in the balance.”
“I will, you have my word. I know you’ll succeed.”
“I admire your faith in me. I’m genuinely afraid that I’ll fail, despite all my usual confidence.”
“You’ll succeed, but if anything happens, you can count on me to do it for you. Cross my heart, hope to fly.”
“Thanks. For everypony’s sake, I hope it doesn’t come to that. Night, Stal.”
“Night, Bernie.”
Two guards approach the closed doors, preparing for their shift to guard the Solar Princess’ quarters.
“Has our superior officer lost it? Why would we, as members of the night guard, be stationed not only on the inside of Celestia’s section of the palace, but outside of Celestia’s quarters? We’re the best aerial force the guard has, and we’re being stationed in close quarters?”
“Maybe the Princess thinks someone will try to enter her quarters while she sleeps?”
“That could be, but then why pick us? We’re supposedly the best, but that only works if we can fly. Flying inside the palace’s corridors sounds like a terrible idea.”
“That’s definitely true, no idea on that one.”
The guards stand on opposite sides of the set of double doors leading into the Princess’ bed chambers.
Suddenly, a green flash illuminates the palace hall.
“I can’t see!”
“Turn that off, whoever’s doing that! Our eyes aren’t used to bright lights!”
“I believe that’s the point.”
“You didn’t say that, did you?”
“Oh crap!”
Silence falls in the palace corridor. The silhouette of a pony slips into Celestia’s Quarters through the door, and the illumination from a magic spell lights up the room.
Two guards stand on opposite sides of the bedroom of the Lunar Princess. This section of the Palace is far darker than the section outside of the Solar Princess’ quarters, and lacks windows, themed as if it was the night sky.
A flash of green illuminates this wing of the palace, blinding the guards used to the low lighting.
“Hey, regulation says this wing of the palace is supposed to stay unlit, turn off your crazy lights!”
“Think it might be that DJ pony over in ponyville? Someone trying to pull a prank on us guards? I swear none of the party ponies have any respect for boundaries around here!”
Silence falls in the palace corridor.
“Who turned the lights on?” Celestia mumbled into her pillow. She slowly got upright, and looked down at the pony before her, clearly one of her guards. “I know we’re on pretty friendly terms, but that’s no reason to be coming into my bed chambers and lighting the place up with magic!” Celestia said to the pony she recognized as Burnished Halberd. “.... Wait a minute, Burnished Halberd doesn’t have a horn, he’s a pegasus! Who are you and what have you done with the real Burnished Halberd?”
“I’ve been the real Burnished Halberd from the beginning. Don’t you get it? You don’t send an envoy of Equestrian soldiers to capture an entire hive’s worth of changelings and get away with it! Because of you, I lost my parents, my childhood, anyone I ever cared about! Except for one other somepony. Congrats! I found the changelings within the royal guard. Us. You took away our meaning, our purpose in life, and our friendships! Because of you, we couldn’t be what you and your ponies can without a second thought. Because of you, our friendships were torn apart. Families were torn apart! Did you think all of that would go unnoticed? Because of all of that, the two changelings you just happened to miss vowed to have revenge for it all. And now it’s finally coming to a head. Luna’s already out of the picture. Any last words before we right the wrong done unto us?”
Celestia’s mouth hung open for the longest time, until Burnished had enough of the waiting and ushered out the era of the diarchy.
What would you do if somepony took away your purpose in life? Something you spent all your time and energy discerning for yourself, without any help from your cutie mark? If you made a choice that would leave your life forever changed, putting greater purpose and profundity over having a comfortable, normal existence? Only for somepony to come along and reduce it to a dream? What if that same somepony also took away the two ponies that mattered the most to you? My name is Burnished Halberd, former member of Celestia’s Royal Guard, and this is the story of how the diarchy fell.
One Day Earlier
“Mornin’ Bernie, how was night shift?” The approaching pony, who Burnished knew as Stalwart Shield, offered a hoof.
Burnished reciprocated the hoof-bump. “Eh, not any different than most day shifts, although I didn’t have to deal with nobles attending day court. You know how that is, especially when Prince Blueblood wants his damned “priority queue.” Burnished said with a small smile before yawning, tired from a long night’s worth of standing in uniform.
“Eh, that one is just awful to be around. Ponies like him give royalty a bad name.” Stalwart retorted.
“They’re not all bad, some of them can be quite pleasant company. Fancy
His brashness aside, Stalwart Shield was one of those ponies who are shining examples of what kind of pony a royal guard should be, unlike myself. Loyal, and not afraid to stand up for what’s right. Unlike Shield, I didn’t join the guard based on any kind of feeling of duty or responsibility, I joined it for reasons which in contrast seem selfish. No, I joined the guard because I wanted to die knowing that I’d impact Equestria in some meaningful way, doing more than leaving a tombstone and the memory of the pony I was behind. I wanted to contribute to what makes Equestria the wonderful place it is.
Stalwart and I both joined the guard three years ago, and despite our differences, we’ve gotten along as if we were foalhood friends. Feeling a sense of duty to the country that had given him and those close to him so much, he joined.
“Oh, I forgot to mention, before you go home for the day, Celestia wanted to see you. You should hurry, day court starts soon, and you wouldn’t want to have to sit through that…”
Shaken from his daydream, Burnished headed towards the Solar Princess’ chambers, exchanging equipment to Stal for his shift.
“Did she say what she wanted?” Burnished calls back.
“No, only that you should come quickly. It must be important.”
“Something Celestia has to say, and it’s important? That narrows it down!”
Stal smiles at the sarcastic comment as Burnished continued inside from the balcony overlooking greater Canterlot.
Today was a morning out of a fairy tale, the sun slowly rising over the horizon, providing a picturesque view of an Equestrian sunrise over the magnificent city. The tips of the roofs glistened, giving the appearance that the whole city was glowing. It was an early autumn morning, and it was time for all of Equestria to rise and shine. Stal couldn’t remember a time where the sunrise, or any time during the day had been this beautiful, other than the annual Summer Sun Celebration. He wondered to himself; Maybe, as unlikely as it was for a pony like him, he had forgotten an important holiday. He continued to admire the good fortune the day had brought him, as he knew he wouldn’t be moving for quite a while.
Climbing the grand staircase of Canterlot Palace, Burnished trotted toward the Princess’ private quarters while wondering to himself what she had summoned him regarding. He thought maybe he’d be getting reassigned, but then thought that was unlikely, as he had only recently been assigned to night shift rather than day, to his dismay, as he appreciated the long conversations between him and Stal when there was nopony else around. He also saw no reason as to why Celestia of all ponies would address him about this when his superior could instead. Maybe he did something fantastic and the Princess wanted to personally thank him? He laughed internally at this notion, as he wasn’t the most fantastic of grunts, his aspirations lying far ahead on the day which he was the superior, a day when he was higher on the totem pole.
Catching himself daydreaming for the second time, Burnished mentally chastised himself for being so easily distractible as he came to the doors to Celestia’s private quarters. He approached the doors as stoically as possible, carefully knocked a hoof against it three times, and waited.
“Ah, there you are.”
Burnished jumped, startled at the sudden sound of Princess Celestia’s voice.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, Burnished.” Celestia approached from behind. “I presume Stal told you I had something I wanted to speak to you about?”
“He did, and not even a hint as to what about…” Burnished said, wryly.
Celestia let out a soft laugh. “Well, I did want it to be a surprise.”
That got his attention, even in his tired state. He couldn’t think of any time she had done anything of the sort, period.
Celestia saw his bewildered look and spoke up. “That’s twice I’ve caught you off guard, my little pony, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sure you’ve had a long night, so I’ll cut right to it. I’d like to personally congratulate you on your promotion to be the first of the Counter-Espionage Force of the guard. Despite that, this is a very somber occasion. You’ll be countering changeling spies. The reason I’ve asked you here to take this position is quite important: Recently, ponies within the guard have either failed to show up to their posts, ended up at the wrong post, or worse, gone missing entirely. I’m quite certain that the Royal Guard has been infiltrated by changelings, and may have been for a long time, even if these occurrences are recent. I’m not absolutely certain these events are related to changeling spies, however from evidence that I’ve seen thus far, they are the most likely suspect.”
Burnished’s eyes went wide. Changelings infiltrating the guard? How many of his fellow guards could possibly be changelings in disguise? Granted, he didn’t have too many friends in the guard besides Stal, as most guards weren’t the type of ponies he liked to hang around but the distinct possibility that the ponies he saw daily could all be lies frightened him considerably.
“I’m truly sorry to place such knowledge before you, my little pony, but I’m afraid to think what could happen if nothing is done to prevent any changeling attempts to replace ponies within the guard… I won’t stand for the very ponies intended to protect Equestria causing it harm. I’m entrusting you with such a task because you’ve given me reason to believe you’re not a changeling. You’ve been rather… forthcoming in the few times we’ve spoken one-on-one. And haven’t been afraid to make a joke once in awhile. Any changeling I’ve ever dealt with wouldn’t speak so freely. Equestria depends on something being done about it, and I cannot so much as say a word publicly or risk frightening everypony and scaring off the changelings among us. Your objective is to find and reveal the changeling infiltrators, preferably to me privately. Will you do this service to Equestria? I know it isn’t what you signed up for, and so I’m giving you a choice, but bear in mind if you say no, you’ll be isolated until those responsible for the strange occurrences are discovered.
“Wait.. But.. How…” Burnished took a moment to sort out his very confused thoughts. Why me? Why am I your first choice? I’m honored you’ve chosen me to carry out something so important for all of Equestria, but is there nopony you trust more than me?”
“You’re right, there are those I trust more. The simple and unfortunate fact is that any one of those ponies could be the changeling, whereas you’re a relatively recent addition to the royal guard, and as such, are a less likely suspect.”
“Okay. This is a lot to take in, but I want to help. And it would be rather un-fun to be watched constantly as opposed to starring in my own detective novel. Maybe when this is all over, I’ll write it into one so Princess Twilight can read it!”
On that, they both laughed.
“This is why I picked you for this, Halberd. It’s thanks to ponies like you that this palace isn’t the most dull place in Equestria. One of these years, you really should come to the Grand Galloping Gala, not as a guard, but as a guest. Let me know and I’ll get you a ticket. But first, you have changelings to find. Good luck.”
Burnished figured the first logical place to go was the guards’ barracks. Since after heading there, he could get a good night(day)’s rest, as it had been over twelve hours since he had gotten any sleep. The barracks had armor strewn about, spears lined up neatly on a spear rack, and many other things one would expect to see in such a place, but Burnished was way too tired to pay attention. He promptly climbed into a cot, and fell asleep.
The noise of guards talking and clip-clopping around and armor clanking against itself was the first thing that Burnished heard as he woke. It was sunset, or when his shift would normally begin, but as of today, he was a super cool changeling detective!
Burnished laughed at his own silly thoughts as he climbed to his hooves and looked around. No guard duty today, he thought. He’d finally have a little autonomy in his work in the guard, if only for a short time. Or, today might be the start of something beautiful in his job, but he wasn’t quite sure what. He said a polite hello to his fellow guards who were also waking up to head to their posts as he left. And now he was off to…
“You know, I have no orders, no concrete structure to stick to, only to find and expose changelings… I could go see Stal… for old times’ sake. Eh, why not?”
He galloped to the balcony he’d seen a thousand and one times, the one he and Stal always guard, but found him walking back on the way there, the changing of the guard apparently finding a replacement for Burnished, according to Stal.
“So, the Princess herself Celestia wants to speak to you privately, just to give you a reassignment? That’s hilarious!” Stal laughed, as if that was the furthest thing from reality.
“Actually, not quite. Have you ever noticed anypony disappearing recently, Stal?”
Stal’s face betrayed his confusion, clearly trying to put together how both of those subjects were related. “No, why? Have they been?”
“According to Celestia, we’ve been infiltrated. By changelings . Nopony can know, shouldn’t even be telling you. Everypony’s a suspect, and I’m the Smanish Inquisition. You’re not a changeling, are you Stalward?”
“I’m as much of a changeling as you are, Bernie.”
Both guards laughed at that, as they reached the barracks.
“Well, time for me to hit the hay, I’m beat.”
“Sleep well, my friend. And be careful, there’s a sinister plot going on here, and no one knows how long it’s been going on, we’re all likely in some form of danger. I just want you to be aware of what’s coming, and as my best and only friend in the guard, prepared. No laughing matter, to that end, be on your guard more than you’ve ever been. Any green flashes means something’s definitely up. The success of this mission hangs in the balance.”
“I will, you have my word. I know you’ll succeed.”
“I admire your faith in me. I’m genuinely afraid that I’ll fail, despite all my usual confidence.”
“You’ll succeed, but if anything happens, you can count on me to do it for you. Cross my heart, hope to fly.”
“Thanks. For everypony’s sake, I hope it doesn’t come to that. Night, Stal.”
“Night, Bernie.”
Outside Celestia’s Private Quarters
Two guards approach the closed doors, preparing for their shift to guard the Solar Princess’ quarters.
“Has our superior officer lost it? Why would we, as members of the night guard, be stationed not only on the inside of Celestia’s section of the palace, but outside of Celestia’s quarters? We’re the best aerial force the guard has, and we’re being stationed in close quarters?”
“Maybe the Princess thinks someone will try to enter her quarters while she sleeps?”
“That could be, but then why pick us? We’re supposedly the best, but that only works if we can fly. Flying inside the palace’s corridors sounds like a terrible idea.”
“That’s definitely true, no idea on that one.”
The guards stand on opposite sides of the set of double doors leading into the Princess’ bed chambers.
Suddenly, a green flash illuminates the palace hall.
“I can’t see!”
“Turn that off, whoever’s doing that! Our eyes aren’t used to bright lights!”
“I believe that’s the point.”
“You didn’t say that, did you?”
“Oh crap!”
Silence falls in the palace corridor. The silhouette of a pony slips into Celestia’s Quarters through the door, and the illumination from a magic spell lights up the room.
Twelve Hours Earlier
Outside Luna’s Private Quarters
Two guards stand on opposite sides of the bedroom of the Lunar Princess. This section of the Palace is far darker than the section outside of the Solar Princess’ quarters, and lacks windows, themed as if it was the night sky.
A flash of green illuminates this wing of the palace, blinding the guards used to the low lighting.
“Hey, regulation says this wing of the palace is supposed to stay unlit, turn off your crazy lights!”
“Think it might be that DJ pony over in ponyville? Someone trying to pull a prank on us guards? I swear none of the party ponies have any respect for boundaries around here!”
Silence falls in the palace corridor.
“Who turned the lights on?” Celestia mumbled into her pillow. She slowly got upright, and looked down at the pony before her, clearly one of her guards. “I know we’re on pretty friendly terms, but that’s no reason to be coming into my bed chambers and lighting the place up with magic!” Celestia said to the pony she recognized as Burnished Halberd. “.... Wait a minute, Burnished Halberd doesn’t have a horn, he’s a pegasus! Who are you and what have you done with the real Burnished Halberd?”
“I’ve been the real Burnished Halberd from the beginning. Don’t you get it? You don’t send an envoy of Equestrian soldiers to capture an entire hive’s worth of changelings and get away with it! Because of you, I lost my parents, my childhood, anyone I ever cared about! Except for one other somepony. Congrats! I found the changelings within the royal guard. Us. You took away our meaning, our purpose in life, and our friendships! Because of you, we couldn’t be what you and your ponies can without a second thought. Because of you, our friendships were torn apart. Families were torn apart! Did you think all of that would go unnoticed? Because of all of that, the two changelings you just happened to miss vowed to have revenge for it all. And now it’s finally coming to a head. Luna’s already out of the picture. Any last words before we right the wrong done unto us?”
Celestia’s mouth hung open for the longest time, until Burnished had enough of the waiting and ushered out the era of the diarchy.
What would you do if somepony took away your purpose in life? Something you spent all your time and energy discerning for yourself, without any help from your cutie mark? If you made a choice that would leave your life forever changed, putting greater purpose and profundity over having a comfortable, normal existence? Only for somepony to come along and reduce it to a dream? What if that same somepony also took away the two ponies that mattered the most to you? My name is Burnished Halberd, former member of Celestia’s Royal Guard, and this is the story of how the diarchy fell.
The perspective shift after the introduction is quite jarring. You might be better served by either cutting the first paragraph entirely or using it as the story description on Fimfiction.
Oh dear. That second section ended prematurely. Midsentence, no less.
Oh dear, oh dear. You’re alternating perspectives. Bad idea. Very bad idea.
Wanting to die making the world a better place definitely seems like anything but the opposite of duty and responsibility. Also, this is quite literally telling rather than showing, which is especially odd since the section that does so interrupts one that was going to show the strength of the bond.
Wait, I thought Burnished’s aspirations were a glorious death. Why should he worry about climbing the ranks away from the hypothetical front lines?
If any of the ponies Celestia trusts more than Burnished could be changelings, why does she still trust them more?
Over twelve hours since he’d gotten any rest? Should I feel that’s arduous somehow? I assume you meant a longer time.
Why are Canterlot guards making Pinkie Promises?
… Yeah, this needs work. A lot of work. For example, how did they control guard assignments? I honestly thought Chrysalis had replaced Celestia and was deliberately pitting the Guard against itself. Instead, she’s hugging an idiot ball bigger than she is. If nothing else, she should’ve blasted Burnished during his monologue. You’re going to want to work with an editor here. You have an interesting idea, but it’s going to take a massive effort to make it work.
Oh dear. That second section ended prematurely. Midsentence, no less.
Oh dear, oh dear. You’re alternating perspectives. Bad idea. Very bad idea.
Wanting to die making the world a better place definitely seems like anything but the opposite of duty and responsibility. Also, this is quite literally telling rather than showing, which is especially odd since the section that does so interrupts one that was going to show the strength of the bond.
Wait, I thought Burnished’s aspirations were a glorious death. Why should he worry about climbing the ranks away from the hypothetical front lines?
If any of the ponies Celestia trusts more than Burnished could be changelings, why does she still trust them more?
Over twelve hours since he’d gotten any rest? Should I feel that’s arduous somehow? I assume you meant a longer time.
Why are Canterlot guards making Pinkie Promises?
… Yeah, this needs work. A lot of work. For example, how did they control guard assignments? I honestly thought Chrysalis had replaced Celestia and was deliberately pitting the Guard against itself. Instead, she’s hugging an idiot ball bigger than she is. If nothing else, she should’ve blasted Burnished during his monologue. You’re going to want to work with an editor here. You have an interesting idea, but it’s going to take a massive effort to make it work.
The intro is in first person, but it then cuts to third for the start of the story. The first segment also cuts off in the middle of a sentence, just the word "Fancy" hanging there by itself. Several dialog tags are punctuated wrong, and other sentences switch tense halfway through. Then we cut back to first person, and the third scene ends with a stray sentence with no proper subject.
Okay, I'll stop with the technical critique. Sadly, the rest of the story doesn't improve, and the many technical problems make it very difficult to read.
As to the story itself... it makes little sense to me I'm afraid. I'm sorry, but I can't really credit this with much.
Okay, I'll stop with the technical critique. Sadly, the rest of the story doesn't improve, and the many technical problems make it very difficult to read.
As to the story itself... it makes little sense to me I'm afraid. I'm sorry, but I can't really credit this with much.
Disclaimer: I am a person. Therefore, I have biases. I try to look at things objectively, but that does not mean I always succeed. Furthermore, I'm not an authority. If any of my critique does not make sense on its own, poke me to convey my reasoning, and upon hearing it, decide for yourself if it has validity or not. Also, all exaggerations and comparisons made are not to ridicule, but to better convey the essence of my critique. Last but not least, my reviews contain unmarked spoilers, although I may use the [.spoiler] command occasionally.
I picked this one first from my ballot because prompt drops in titles always make me feel apprehensive. I deduced that this might be a new writer, or at least a writer new to the writeoff, and since my new-found leisure time has boosted my enthusiasm for writeoff stuff at the moment, he/she might most benefit from me taking a careful look at his/her story.
First off, your dialogue attributions and dialogue beats are fine. I never had problems with identifying who said what, and I never stumbled across pesky said-isms. Well done!
Now to critique:
1. The first and last paragraph (which are the same).
I appreciate what you tried to do here, but I don't think you revealed enough during the reveal in the last scene, or about the protagonists inner workings in general. I understand the refference that Burnished supposedly joined to guard to choose greater meaning over having a comfortable, normal existence, but after the reveal, there's no answer to the question: in what way did Burnished's life differ from a regular changeling's life before to give the refernce meaning after the shift in interpretation?
I also think you would've needed to bring more of a reference to "the two ponies that mattered the most". In the opening paragraph, one defaults to Luna and Celestia, but there's no conrete replacement for them in the ending. Also, it's weird they're called ponies, which they most probably weren't considering the reveal. That's a though one, though... maybe "individuals"?
Anyway, yeah: the paragraph works for the opening, but falls apart after the reveal.
2. There are (too many) point of view shifts. During the first scene, you shift from third person limited (Burnished's perspective), to first person (Burnished's perspective), to third person limited (Burnished's perspective), to third person limited (Stalward's perspective). The horizontal lines and tripple line breaks you employ to mark these rather add to the confusion than alleviate it.
3. In addition to the POV shifts, you shift in tenses, too. Stick to either past tense or present tense, especially within a single sentence. "Stal smiles at the sarcastic comment as Burnished continued inside from the balcony overlooking greater Canterlot."
4. The character's nicknames change too often for such a short story. Stalward Shield is referred to as Stalward and Stal, and Burnished Halberd as Burnished, Bernie, and Halberd. That's a bit much IMO. I also don't think Celestia would shorten one of her guard's names under any circumstance.
5. You omitted some quotation marks. While I can tolerate typos quite easily, this breaks immersion for me 100% of the time. I'd try to be extra careful with these.
6. Your characters don't have voices of their own. Especially Burnished, who referres to things as "un-fun" but simultaneously "reciprocated" a hoof-bump. That's not consistent, and while I think either style would've fitted the character, consistency is something you should care about. Unless you try to signal that he is unfamiliar with the language and changelings speak a different one, but that would need some explaining of its own.
7. Celestia's reasoning why she chose Burnished for the job of investigator seems faulty to me.
If anything, I'd think a recent addition to the guards would be more likely to be an infiltrator responsible for recent events. Also, the fact a changeling could mimic the appearance of absolutely anypony, no matter how long the original was in the guard, is completely ignored.
8.
Wat. Ponies have an equal split between waking/sleeping time? *Envy intensifies*
Regardless of the validity of 12 hours waking time being a reason to get some rest, this sentence illustrates something that I found scattered throughout the piece, as it reveals a tendency to include explaining things that need no explanation, and inclusion of information in a clunky and telly way.
Take the whole paragraph:
You could shorten the thing to : "Burnished felt dog-tired/exhausted (depending on the voice you're going for), so he headed straight to the barracks, climbed into a cot, and fell asleep."
That's still pretty telly, though. You could instead try to work in some more visual data, or things the reader can empathize with, e.g.:
That is, of course, written in my style and you need not copy that. I just wanted to illustrate how you could convey the same information without getting too telly, painting a clear picture for your readers to envision, and deepening the immersion and conncetion with the protagonist.
Additionally, my version is longer and slows the pacing, which is something I think you should consider doing. The story felt rushed to me, almost throughout the whole piece.
9. It's a bad choice to use quotation marks to signify internal monologue, as it confuses the reader: was this something he thought, or did he actually talk to himself? I'd personaly go for italics.
Concluding Remarks:
I liked the idea, but the execution had problems. I'm also not really convinced a story in which the real motives of the protagonist have to remain hidden until the last scene can work well in a POV that does share insight, although limitedly, into the protagonists thought processes. (Someone's probably gonna prove me wrong on that soon.)
I picked this one first from my ballot because prompt drops in titles always make me feel apprehensive. I deduced that this might be a new writer, or at least a writer new to the writeoff, and since my new-found leisure time has boosted my enthusiasm for writeoff stuff at the moment, he/she might most benefit from me taking a careful look at his/her story.
First off, your dialogue attributions and dialogue beats are fine. I never had problems with identifying who said what, and I never stumbled across pesky said-isms. Well done!
Now to critique:
1. The first and last paragraph (which are the same).
I appreciate what you tried to do here, but I don't think you revealed enough during the reveal in the last scene, or about the protagonists inner workings in general. I understand the refference that Burnished supposedly joined to guard to choose greater meaning over having a comfortable, normal existence, but after the reveal, there's no answer to the question: in what way did Burnished's life differ from a regular changeling's life before to give the refernce meaning after the shift in interpretation?
I also think you would've needed to bring more of a reference to "the two ponies that mattered the most". In the opening paragraph, one defaults to Luna and Celestia, but there's no conrete replacement for them in the ending. Also, it's weird they're called ponies, which they most probably weren't considering the reveal. That's a though one, though... maybe "individuals"?
Anyway, yeah: the paragraph works for the opening, but falls apart after the reveal.
2. There are (too many) point of view shifts. During the first scene, you shift from third person limited (Burnished's perspective), to first person (Burnished's perspective), to third person limited (Burnished's perspective), to third person limited (Stalward's perspective). The horizontal lines and tripple line breaks you employ to mark these rather add to the confusion than alleviate it.
3. In addition to the POV shifts, you shift in tenses, too. Stick to either past tense or present tense, especially within a single sentence. "Stal smiles at the sarcastic comment as Burnished continued inside from the balcony overlooking greater Canterlot."
4. The character's nicknames change too often for such a short story. Stalward Shield is referred to as Stalward and Stal, and Burnished Halberd as Burnished, Bernie, and Halberd. That's a bit much IMO. I also don't think Celestia would shorten one of her guard's names under any circumstance.
5. You omitted some quotation marks. While I can tolerate typos quite easily, this breaks immersion for me 100% of the time. I'd try to be extra careful with these.
6. Your characters don't have voices of their own. Especially Burnished, who referres to things as "un-fun" but simultaneously "reciprocated" a hoof-bump. That's not consistent, and while I think either style would've fitted the character, consistency is something you should care about. Unless you try to signal that he is unfamiliar with the language and changelings speak a different one, but that would need some explaining of its own.
7. Celestia's reasoning why she chose Burnished for the job of investigator seems faulty to me.
"You’re right, there are those I trust more. The simple and unfortunate fact is that any one of those ponies could be the changeling, whereas you’re a relatively recent addition to the royal guard, and as such, are a less likely suspect."
If anything, I'd think a recent addition to the guards would be more likely to be an infiltrator responsible for recent events. Also, the fact a changeling could mimic the appearance of absolutely anypony, no matter how long the original was in the guard, is completely ignored.
8.
Since after heading there, he could get a good night(day)’s rest, as it had been over twelve hours since he had gotten any sleep.
Wat. Ponies have an equal split between waking/sleeping time? *Envy intensifies*
Regardless of the validity of 12 hours waking time being a reason to get some rest, this sentence illustrates something that I found scattered throughout the piece, as it reveals a tendency to include explaining things that need no explanation, and inclusion of information in a clunky and telly way.
Take the whole paragraph:
Burnished figured the first logical place to go was the guards’ barracks. Since after heading there, he could get a good night(day)’s rest, as it had been over twelve hours since he had gotten any sleep. The barracks had armor strewn about, spears lined up neatly on a spear rack, and many other things one would expect to see in such a place, but Burnished was way too tired to pay attention. He promptly climbed into a cot, and fell asleep.
You could shorten the thing to : "Burnished felt dog-tired/exhausted (depending on the voice you're going for), so he headed straight to the barracks, climbed into a cot, and fell asleep."
That's still pretty telly, though. You could instead try to work in some more visual data, or things the reader can empathize with, e.g.:
As Burnished left Celestia's chamber, his eyes darted from one corner of the corridor to the next: white marble, lit by a bright, magic chandelier. No traces of green to be seen. This corridor was clear.
He continued staring at the sparkling chandelier, his eyes slowly losing focus. He closed his eyes, shaking his head; he'd be a lousy investigator without getting some sleep first.
He made his way to the barracks, and found them dimly lit as ever: there was always somepony sleeping here. He started out to his usual cot, but had only gotten a few steps far when a carelessly dropped vambrace caught his left front hoof and sent him stumbling. With unwanted momentum, his right front hoof kicked a helmet, which went flying, smashed into one of the bed-posts, and cartwheeled across the stone floor.
Burnished froze, and stoically endured the angry grunts and muttering that followed the racket he'd made. The rest of his journey towards his cot went without further incident, and he fell asleep almost before his head connected with the pillows.
That is, of course, written in my style and you need not copy that. I just wanted to illustrate how you could convey the same information without getting too telly, painting a clear picture for your readers to envision, and deepening the immersion and conncetion with the protagonist.
Additionally, my version is longer and slows the pacing, which is something I think you should consider doing. The story felt rushed to me, almost throughout the whole piece.
9. It's a bad choice to use quotation marks to signify internal monologue, as it confuses the reader: was this something he thought, or did he actually talk to himself? I'd personaly go for italics.
Concluding Remarks:
I liked the idea, but the execution had problems. I'm also not really convinced a story in which the real motives of the protagonist have to remain hidden until the last scene can work well in a POV that does share insight, although limitedly, into the protagonists thought processes. (Someone's probably gonna prove me wrong on that soon.)
wYvern managed to capture most of my thoughts, so rather than simply repeat him, I'll just add a few more.
The establishing shots at the beginning of (some) scenes feel like they'd be better used in proper prose. This isn't a comic book or a TV show where you're using text to help explain what/when you're looking at something. It's pure text, so you can just, well write it! "Two hours later, Twilight found herself outside the Royal Canterlot Library" reads a lot better than just "The Canterlot Library"
The other major point I wanted to hit, and this is a big one, is that a lot of the dialogue doesn't really feel natural. Some of it is just too expositioiny, and some of it just doesn't feel like a real conversation. It makes it really difficult to believe these are real characters for me, because it doesn't feel like a conversation that could actually happen, just one to further the plot. I'm sorry for not really explaining this well, t's difficult to do as it's more of a "this feels wrong" than something I can point to and go "this is wrong because of X".
The impression I'm getting from this story is that you're a new writer. And there's nothing wrong with that! We were all new once, and we all made mistakes like these. So I think the best advice I can give you is to just keep on trying. THis is definitely not horrible. Just, well, the flaws stand out.
Verdict: Better luck next time.
The establishing shots at the beginning of (some) scenes feel like they'd be better used in proper prose. This isn't a comic book or a TV show where you're using text to help explain what/when you're looking at something. It's pure text, so you can just, well write it! "Two hours later, Twilight found herself outside the Royal Canterlot Library" reads a lot better than just "The Canterlot Library"
The other major point I wanted to hit, and this is a big one, is that a lot of the dialogue doesn't really feel natural. Some of it is just too expositioiny, and some of it just doesn't feel like a real conversation. It makes it really difficult to believe these are real characters for me, because it doesn't feel like a conversation that could actually happen, just one to further the plot. I'm sorry for not really explaining this well, t's difficult to do as it's more of a "this feels wrong" than something I can point to and go "this is wrong because of X".
The impression I'm getting from this story is that you're a new writer. And there's nothing wrong with that! We were all new once, and we all made mistakes like these. So I think the best advice I can give you is to just keep on trying. THis is definitely not horrible. Just, well, the flaws stand out.
Verdict: Better luck next time.
I'm guessing you ran out of time while you were changing the story from first to third person or vice-versa, so let's not talk about that. Also problems with the dialogue; everypony sounds the same, including Celestia. (Giving each of the 2 first characters the first word "Eh" is one manifestation of this.) But the big problem is what the story is about.
I think the idea is that the royal guard is dehumanized by its duties, and revolts. There are no changelings. Unfortunately this doesn't fit the facts:
Also, I strongly expect membership in the guard in canon is voluntary.
I think the idea is that the royal guard is dehumanized by its duties, and revolts. There are no changelings. Unfortunately this doesn't fit the facts:
Wait a minute, Burnished Halberd doesn’t have a horn, he’s a pegasus!
Also, I strongly expect membership in the guard in canon is voluntary.
Unfortunately, author, my overall takeaway here is that this is a story with some major issues that need ironing out. You've gotten some excellent suggestions, though, especially >>wYvern, and rather than jumping on the critique bandwagon I'd like to talk a little bit about the parts here I thought were stronger. Because you did do some things right! Writeoff reviews tend to focus strongly on ways to improve your work, but it's also good to establish the other side of that coin — honoring the sort of prose you're already capable of — to give you a glimpse of why it's worth fixing the flaws.
You introduce two OCs here (Burnished and Stalwart) that are established well in the first half of the story. I like their banter! And they seem like genuinely cool dudes.
I don't know if everyone here will agree, but I genuinely liked this description — in wording and also in placement. Not only was the detail about the glistening rooftops a lovely image, but it actually provided an interesting pacing element in the story. A lot of authors would use this sort of weather detail as an establishing shot, and oh my god that bothers me so much to try to hook readers with the weather, but to insert it into the middle like this is unusual in a good way: it draws the focus outward as a specific narrative and tonal element, telling us that at this exact moment it is important that the city is calm and beautiful, and that really reinforces what you were going for in the surrounding text. It's not subtle, but it's showy, and appropriate.
So, yeah. There are glimmers of greatness here. Get to editing on it, but don't lose heart.
Tier: Needs Work
You introduce two OCs here (Burnished and Stalwart) that are established well in the first half of the story. I like their banter! And they seem like genuinely cool dudes.
Today was a morning out of a fairy tale, the sun slowly rising over the horizon, providing a picturesque view of an Equestrian sunrise over the magnificent city. The tips of the roofs glistened, giving the appearance that the whole city was glowing.
I don't know if everyone here will agree, but I genuinely liked this description — in wording and also in placement. Not only was the detail about the glistening rooftops a lovely image, but it actually provided an interesting pacing element in the story. A lot of authors would use this sort of weather detail as an establishing shot, and oh my god that bothers me so much to try to hook readers with the weather, but to insert it into the middle like this is unusual in a good way: it draws the focus outward as a specific narrative and tonal element, telling us that at this exact moment it is important that the city is calm and beautiful, and that really reinforces what you were going for in the surrounding text. It's not subtle, but it's showy, and appropriate.
So, yeah. There are glimmers of greatness here. Get to editing on it, but don't lose heart.
Tier: Needs Work
The other comments have all offered pretty helpful feedback and critique, and I can't think of anything to add to them...
So I'll just point out two things. One, Burnished is far more familiar when speaking with the Princess than he should be, and two, why is it that he goes and blabs to Stalwart immediately after getting this very serious assignment about changeling infiltrators and being told that literally nobody could be trusted?
So I'll just point out two things. One, Burnished is far more familiar when speaking with the Princess than he should be, and two, why is it that he goes and blabs to Stalwart immediately after getting this very serious assignment about changeling infiltrators and being told that literally nobody could be trusted?
How nice of Celestia to give him time to finish his speech before he killed her.
I should also point out that Twilight did remove a changeling's disguise in the show, so Celestia really should have at least tried to do something like that to the pony she was putting in charge of looking for changelings.
This story really doesn't work for me at all, mostly for all of the reasons that everyone else has mentioned. But I suppose what it comes down to for me is that the characters' actions and dialogue aren't realistic, especially in Celestia's case.
I should also point out that Twilight did remove a changeling's disguise in the show, so Celestia really should have at least tried to do something like that to the pony she was putting in charge of looking for changelings.
This story really doesn't work for me at all, mostly for all of the reasons that everyone else has mentioned. But I suppose what it comes down to for me is that the characters' actions and dialogue aren't realistic, especially in Celestia's case.