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Ha. This one is fun. There are some debatable stylistic choices, such as the use of some unusual words, but it’s overall a nice piece. Maybe I would’ve opted for a different narrator PoV, something like a dairy of sorts. My biggest gripe is the obvious lack of conclusion. What does she decide to do at the end? Go back to the normal world, or stay in Equestria until the end?
Now I don’t know Megan enough to decide whether this sounds realistic or not. But I’d be interested in having her opinion.
[EDIT] Oh and by the way, is that final device something like an iPad? Because, you know, big MacIntosh AppleJack hardware, etc. :p
Now I don’t know Megan enough to decide whether this sounds realistic or not. But I’d be interested in having her opinion.
[EDIT] Oh and by the way, is that final device something like an iPad? Because, you know, big MacIntosh AppleJack hardware, etc. :p
This is hilariously good. It’s spot on the kind of zany crazy absurd slapstick humour I dote on. Of course, I had myself mulled over something related to alcohol, given the prompt, but didn't come up with anything usable. I’m glad I finally turned to another pathway, because it probably wouldn't have held its own against your fic anyway.
Good coinage with the ‘Polychromatic Aviator’, but I don’t get the final ‘croon ye’. Also, I like your Luna in the last paragraph. 100% matches my own model of her. Also, nice quoting of esters as aromatic components, but don’t forget about aldehydes (almond, benzaldehyde), ketones (raspberries) and, yes, even other alcohols (menthol, eucalyptol…). Not to mention terpenes. Anyways, I’m fussing about details. Your fault, chemistry is my cup of tea recently.
That being said, the text is still a bit rough in several places, such as ‘inquired’ used maybe out of place, ‘flumphed’, ‘mustache’, etc. I’m not a big fan of ‘port for teleport, but I can get over that easily.
Overall, this is a blast to read, and goes directly atop my (mini-)slate. Thanks for writing!
Edit: also what is ‘salzbier’? 'Salted beer’ in German, but that doesn’t sound very appealing.
Good coinage with the ‘Polychromatic Aviator’, but I don’t get the final ‘croon ye’. Also, I like your Luna in the last paragraph. 100% matches my own model of her. Also, nice quoting of esters as aromatic components, but don’t forget about aldehydes (almond, benzaldehyde), ketones (raspberries) and, yes, even other alcohols (menthol, eucalyptol…). Not to mention terpenes. Anyways, I’m fussing about details. Your fault, chemistry is my cup of tea recently.
That being said, the text is still a bit rough in several places, such as ‘inquired’ used maybe out of place, ‘flumphed’, ‘mustache’, etc. I’m not a big fan of ‘port for teleport, but I can get over that easily.
Overall, this is a blast to read, and goes directly atop my (mini-)slate. Thanks for writing!
Edit: also what is ‘salzbier’? 'Salted beer’ in German, but that doesn’t sound very appealing.
→ least it grow too large. You want lest, not least. There are a couple of other typos here and there, too. Nothing very egregious, but it definitely needs polishing.
Interesting that we have two entries about Sunset Shimmer this round. This one obviously takes place after its peer. It’s not badly written but the stylistic choices (stream of consciousness) as well as the layout combine to render the text quite stodgy.
I'd say my main gripe is that we’re not really explained the reason of her act. We know she has desire of greatness, but with what you write, albeit we infer that her ambition has somehow been curbed by Celestia, we don’t really know the true motive for her escape. Even the vision in the mirror is just a sketch, and we don’t really understand why she got lured.
In brief, it is a bit rushed and incomplete. I would like it to be expanded, but you’ll probably only succeed in having people telling you it’s just a mere rewriting of something we are already all acquainted with… :/
Interesting that we have two entries about Sunset Shimmer this round. This one obviously takes place after its peer. It’s not badly written but the stylistic choices (stream of consciousness) as well as the layout combine to render the text quite stodgy.
I'd say my main gripe is that we’re not really explained the reason of her act. We know she has desire of greatness, but with what you write, albeit we infer that her ambition has somehow been curbed by Celestia, we don’t really know the true motive for her escape. Even the vision in the mirror is just a sketch, and we don’t really understand why she got lured.
In brief, it is a bit rushed and incomplete. I would like it to be expanded, but you’ll probably only succeed in having people telling you it’s just a mere rewriting of something we are already all acquainted with… :/
There are a lot of details about alcohol present but, for me, they don’t really contribute to characterization or to narrative tension. Instead they come off as ‘liquor talk’ which, as an outsider to that, makes me feel a little like I’m at a party where I don’t belong. I did enjoy the tone and punchline, however.
This interaction is very mysterious. On the one hand, if filly Twilight is not allowed to create a time loop, then her presence with regard to ‘causality’ is something like an epiphenomenon, or something Sunset really believed she imagined; on the other hand, supposing that Twilight really did go back into the past to satisfy her curiosity, to what motivation? Why would anyone have ghostly desires? I enjoyed getting a glimpse into these questions.
Sunset is wavering between spurned self-doubt and manufactured bravado. Then, there is the chaotic element of stepping across the interdimensional mirror. That could be good for a story, but here what we get is a description of a scene which most of your readers are probably already familiar with. Take these things that interest you about Sunset and find a way to turn it into action.
>>Monokeras
Yes, something like that, but I was trying to be careful not to wander into moralizing about technology. I wanted to talk about Megan as a creature--which, incidentally, happens to be our creature. Just as she had figured out the ponies and introduced a little weirdness into their lives, so they returned the favor.
Thanks for your feedback!
Yes, something like that, but I was trying to be careful not to wander into moralizing about technology. I wanted to talk about Megan as a creature--which, incidentally, happens to be our creature. Just as she had figured out the ponies and introduced a little weirdness into their lives, so they returned the favor.
Thanks for your feedback!
>>Monokeras, >>Heavy_Mole
A Dot in the Shark
Thanks for the gold! Grats to Mono and Heavy; and a Writeoff welcome to Lexie, thanks for throwing your hat in!
Another last minute entry on my part; I was pulling an all nighter for other reasons, and this happened to tumble out. It's founded largely in worldbuilding I did for other stories of mine.
"Croon ye" is a reference to 3753 Cruithne, as Luna should have clarified but which I forgot to add because I was too weary for a full editing pass. It's an asteroid whose orbit around the Sun is weirdly interlocked with that of Earth, and is sometimes erroneously called Earth's second moon. Cruithne is an Irish name which I found harmonious here due to the reference to "Foirish Twist" (Irish Mist).
"Salzbier" is a play on malzbier (malt beer) and the conceit that ponies find salt licks to be of recreational interest.
For those who like liquor jokes, thank you for your interest. For those who don't, thank you for your patience. And thanks especially for the comments!
A Dot in the Shark
Thanks for the gold! Grats to Mono and Heavy; and a Writeoff welcome to Lexie, thanks for throwing your hat in!
Another last minute entry on my part; I was pulling an all nighter for other reasons, and this happened to tumble out. It's founded largely in worldbuilding I did for other stories of mine.
"Croon ye" is a reference to 3753 Cruithne, as Luna should have clarified but which I forgot to add because I was too weary for a full editing pass. It's an asteroid whose orbit around the Sun is weirdly interlocked with that of Earth, and is sometimes erroneously called Earth's second moon. Cruithne is an Irish name which I found harmonious here due to the reference to "Foirish Twist" (Irish Mist).
"Salzbier" is a play on malzbier (malt beer) and the conceit that ponies find salt licks to be of recreational interest.
For those who like liquor jokes, thank you for your interest. For those who don't, thank you for your patience. And thanks especially for the comments!