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An Intruder, Cornered Through a Needle's Eye!
It Gets Better.
Mother of All The Brightest Days—Duck and Cover!
It Gets Better.
Mother of All The Brightest Days—Duck and Cover!
There’s a fic idea I’ve been brewing for the last week that… mostly fits this prompt. Let’s see what happens. 😈
EDIT: Hate to say it, but I'm not gonna have anything in. My story just ballooned into something much bigger -- good for me, but not great for a Writeoff. Next time!
EDIT: Hate to say it, but I'm not gonna have anything in. My story just ballooned into something much bigger -- good for me, but not great for a Writeoff. Next time!
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Give me a ring a ding, ding when it's done. I always interested in where tangents from these contests will led.
Give me a ring a ding, ding when it's done. I always interested in where tangents from these contests will led.
Thick with metaphors and symbols, this one feels mostly there. Mostly. Like 95%. Certain spots could use just that little bit of next-level polish to really finish it off proper and have a cleaner, clearer gem. Notably it feels like the ending might have been written a bit faster than the opening and middle parts, but I'm not totally sure. I get that these things have a time limit, so there's some room for forgiveness on that front, at least in my way of seeing it.
I'm not a fan of the "Celestia likes her cake" trope, but that's just personal taste. It's been done worse and for less actual relevance or reason to the story, though, so I can't knock it very hard.
On the plus side, I'm a sucker for a good tale of soul-searching, so thanks for this one.
I'm not a fan of the "Celestia likes her cake" trope, but that's just personal taste. It's been done worse and for less actual relevance or reason to the story, though, so I can't knock it very hard.
On the plus side, I'm a sucker for a good tale of soul-searching, so thanks for this one.
I want to like this one. This thing is trying so hard to be all the lighter, sweeter parts of slice-of-life, and a story that shows us some positivity and joy is a really important thing sometimes. It's a valiant effort. Unfortunately, I think that in trying to be such a pure slice-of-life as it is, it loses something. A story needs to have a conflict. Does this story have conflicts? it does, but only mundane, internal ones concerning abstract decisions about personal growth. None of them are enough to jump to the foreground. None of them are really solved or addressed, other than the characters either still feeling them out or professing to have a plan, and that's... not really a story. It's a setup to a story, and you could make a story about any of a number of things mentioned here. Explore some of these more deeply. Focus in the challenge that a character faces, their decision process, and how they solve it.
Another big issue is that so much of this is told through dialogue. Sometimes that's fine, when it's natural dialogue in natural amounts. I get it, easy way to make the reader a fly on the wall and give them a good way to observe the same stream of information that the characters might realistically have about some things. It's not so good when that becomes a crutch to get *too much* across, and the prevalence of dialogue starts to cut into the space that's left for character actions and insight into their internal perceptions. Particularly distracting is when dialogue ends up restating information we'd already gotten in some other way, or it ends up being unnatural sounding, which both happen here and they both broke my immersion.
Mechanically, there's also some spelling and grammar errors. Normally I don't get too bothered and I have a lot of leeway for those in a writeoff because of the time limit thing, but at a certain point they really start to hurt how well I can stay inside the story.
Overall - there's several potentially interesting threads to pull on here that are probably worth the time. Pick at some of 'em, pull them, see what unravels, and use what comes out to weave some stronger stories that centralize a specific conflict and resolution.
Another big issue is that so much of this is told through dialogue. Sometimes that's fine, when it's natural dialogue in natural amounts. I get it, easy way to make the reader a fly on the wall and give them a good way to observe the same stream of information that the characters might realistically have about some things. It's not so good when that becomes a crutch to get *too much* across, and the prevalence of dialogue starts to cut into the space that's left for character actions and insight into their internal perceptions. Particularly distracting is when dialogue ends up restating information we'd already gotten in some other way, or it ends up being unnatural sounding, which both happen here and they both broke my immersion.
Mechanically, there's also some spelling and grammar errors. Normally I don't get too bothered and I have a lot of leeway for those in a writeoff because of the time limit thing, but at a certain point they really start to hurt how well I can stay inside the story.
Overall - there's several potentially interesting threads to pull on here that are probably worth the time. Pick at some of 'em, pull them, see what unravels, and use what comes out to weave some stronger stories that centralize a specific conflict and resolution.
Not the first thing I want to focus on in a review, but the mechanical problems hit me pretty quick in this one: inconsistent spelling, tense changes, just these spots of roughness that keep coming through. I know it's tough when time is short in a writeoff, so I won't dwell a lot on it. Polishing these up is pretty straightforward, anyway, so I don't think you need a lot of commentary harping on the particulars.
Another difficulty for me is that I feel like there's references here that are going a little over my head. It's hard to judge, though, because if it's actually a reference I don't know, then by definition I wouldn't know if it's actually there or not.
Overall, what this story calls to mind for me is a sort of The Graduate feel (minus Mrs. Robinson), an aimless drifting intermezzo in the life of a young pony who would like to be principled but isn't really sure what that means or whether there's really much value in committing to it. So instead he ends up driven around by the way the moment pushes him this way and that, running heedless toward what he likes, then away from what he fears. I think some of the streaming from one thing to another qualities of how the writing conveys the narrative of events serves this well, lending it a sort of ongoing-dream quality that captures and conveys the experience of the protagonist.
The idea is there. Just clean it up, and I think it'll polish into something really nice.
Another difficulty for me is that I feel like there's references here that are going a little over my head. It's hard to judge, though, because if it's actually a reference I don't know, then by definition I wouldn't know if it's actually there or not.
Overall, what this story calls to mind for me is a sort of The Graduate feel (minus Mrs. Robinson), an aimless drifting intermezzo in the life of a young pony who would like to be principled but isn't really sure what that means or whether there's really much value in committing to it. So instead he ends up driven around by the way the moment pushes him this way and that, running heedless toward what he likes, then away from what he fears. I think some of the streaming from one thing to another qualities of how the writing conveys the narrative of events serves this well, lending it a sort of ongoing-dream quality that captures and conveys the experience of the protagonist.
The idea is there. Just clean it up, and I think it'll polish into something really nice.
The (unintended, I think) levity of the final scene takes a lot of the wind out of the execution scene. But I should stress that I love Celestia's proclamations during the execution -- you do a great job of conveying the awesome might that she carries. And the title is woven in perfectly.
Celestia using her own quill to sign the death warrant is a great image.
I'm not sure I buy that Dawn Star didn't know the execution was coming, especially since it seems like everyone else did. If this is meant to be the first execution that Celestia's done in so many years, maybe, but if so, that can probably be played up more.
Celestia using her own quill to sign the death warrant is a great image.
I'm not sure I buy that Dawn Star didn't know the execution was coming, especially since it seems like everyone else did. If this is meant to be the first execution that Celestia's done in so many years, maybe, but if so, that can probably be played up more.
Halfway through the fic, I suddenly found myself thinking this was a fic about the My Little Pony Manson Family.
Maybe it's not a fair criticism, but is this a My Little Pony fic or a fic that just happens to be about ponies? What necessary connection does this have to the pony world that it couldn't have as an original fic?
I agree with all of >>Winston's comments, although I get more of a Catcher in the Rye feeling. The most interesting part of this fic is Wensley's bad experience in the movie industry, imo... wish we got more of that, and less train.
Maybe it's not a fair criticism, but is this a My Little Pony fic or a fic that just happens to be about ponies? What necessary connection does this have to the pony world that it couldn't have as an original fic?
I agree with all of >>Winston's comments, although I get more of a Catcher in the Rye feeling. The most interesting part of this fic is Wensley's bad experience in the movie industry, imo... wish we got more of that, and less train.
>>Winston is on the exact right track here. There's an incredibly interesting conflict here, with Twilight, Spike, AND Sunset all hitting a sort of semi-mid-life-crisis at the exact same time.
And of course, because I'm a biased little shit, Sunset's is what I'm most interested in. Sunset, the eternal rebel, becoming a housewife is so opposite to her established character and I want to see more.
But yeah, although the conflict is great, it doesn't really go anywhere. Spike has a cool scene with Celestia, but neither Twilight or Sunset change in any appreciable way.
And of course, because I'm a biased little shit, Sunset's is what I'm most interested in. Sunset, the eternal rebel, becoming a housewife is so opposite to her established character and I want to see more.
But yeah, although the conflict is great, it doesn't really go anywhere. Spike has a cool scene with Celestia, but neither Twilight or Sunset change in any appreciable way.
First off thank you for the story. I think it's a story with a lot of potential and it has some good things going for it. Generally speaking it has a nice tone that remains fairly consistent throughout. It also does a pretty accurate job of capturing the characters at these points in their lives.
I'd also like to compliment you on trying to do multiple tales at once. It can be difficult to weave all of it together and make it work. That's sort of my issue with it. I don't find myself really interested in what either Spike or Twilight are going through. Sunset's issues feel a lot more real and are more grounded they're a lot more fertile territory to cover. Plus it might be something to have Twilight and Sunset actually spend a weekend together at the cabin maybe hashing things out, perhaps Sunset even makes inquiries as to being a wizard but they're really just inquiries because other parts of life are happening here and it would mean maybe uprooting the family and whatnot.
Just a few thoughts. Thanks again for writing.
I'd also like to compliment you on trying to do multiple tales at once. It can be difficult to weave all of it together and make it work. That's sort of my issue with it. I don't find myself really interested in what either Spike or Twilight are going through. Sunset's issues feel a lot more real and are more grounded they're a lot more fertile territory to cover. Plus it might be something to have Twilight and Sunset actually spend a weekend together at the cabin maybe hashing things out, perhaps Sunset even makes inquiries as to being a wizard but they're really just inquiries because other parts of life are happening here and it would mean maybe uprooting the family and whatnot.
Just a few thoughts. Thanks again for writing.
A well thought out story. Might not have gone with the cake part mostly because all I get are allusions to Marie Antoinette and ... things didn't end well for her. Plus out of all the sections it just feels kind of tacked on. Having Raven show up to let Celestia know that she's rearranged her schedule is enough of an impetus for Raven to politely ask how Princess Celestia is doing especially if they are friendly enough as boss/assistant.
On a different note I could see how Dawn Star would think she wouldn't be executed. Given the past history of villains and Celestia ... she tends to go pretty soft on them all things considered. I could make a joke here that Dawn Star was instead sent to Skyrim where she founded her own city but I'll let that go.
Overall good work. Thanks for writing.
On a different note I could see how Dawn Star would think she wouldn't be executed. Given the past history of villains and Celestia ... she tends to go pretty soft on them all things considered. I could make a joke here that Dawn Star was instead sent to Skyrim where she founded her own city but I'll let that go.
Overall good work. Thanks for writing.