Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Wounds
Time heals all wounds. People say that. I don't know why. It's not true or anything.
Like, not remotely.
I'll tell you about that one guy. Good looking guy, looked like he had his stuff together. Atleast as much as possible for a homeless vagrant.
His clothes was neat and tidy, not clean or anything but organized. Like he could put down his backpack and walk into just about any kind of out door job and not be out of place. His pack for that matter was an old military pack in good condition and well cared for. His hair though unwashed and slightly shaggy was still lingered in the shape of a working mans cut.
In fact I was going to introduce myself and when I got closer I got to see the thing about him.
The wound. A horrific wound.
Apparently he had gotten a cut on the side of his head. Around the hair line. Unwashed hair is itchy, so he had scratched at it.
Because of course he did.
So the cut stayed open and it got infected.
The first time I saw it the infection, a bright red dagger of infected tissue, was reaching down from the hair line and across the guys cheek.
So seeing this I turned around and walked away.
Time passes by and I don't forget about this guy.
I mean, how can I? He's a living breathing metaphor.
More time passes and I get sick myself. A silly little head cold that I figured would just go away if I waited long enough.
A head cold that erupted and sent me, in panic, to the emergency room. Nothing like bleeding out your ear to make you take a cold seriously.
Of course things didn't go great at the ER.
As soon as I stepped into the door the Doctor had decided I was just trying to scam some opiate derived pain medication out of him.
So I left and hospital security decided to help me out the door.
I objected to that level of rudeness.
By the way, never headbutt someone when you have a head cold. Normally the force of the blow is absorbed into the sinus. However when the sinus is jammed full of fluid it instead transfers the force of the blow throughout the entire interior of the skull. Terrible idea. Don't do it.
Anyway, the next day I hit up a nice drop in center. If you don't know what a drop in center is, it's a place where they give out watery coffee and stale donuts.
I noticed the guy with the head wound. I tried to ignore him.
But that day they had a doctor visiting that drop in center and so I decided to go see him.
Within five minutes I had a nice big bottle of oral antibiotics. I was vastly thankful for this level of care.
I paused a moment as I attempted to think of a way to thank this doctor.
"Hey, how would you like to save someone's life?" I asked him.
In thanks I gave him the wounded man.
I saw him a few times after that.
No longer swollen the once infected tissue was now sunken, permanently etched into his face.
What was worse was the rest of it though. His confused and frightened eyes and ever more dismal appearance suggested that...
Suggested that of course carrying a seething rotting wound on the side of your head is going to damage your brain. Because of course it does. How could it not?
Like, not remotely.
I'll tell you about that one guy. Good looking guy, looked like he had his stuff together. Atleast as much as possible for a homeless vagrant.
His clothes was neat and tidy, not clean or anything but organized. Like he could put down his backpack and walk into just about any kind of out door job and not be out of place. His pack for that matter was an old military pack in good condition and well cared for. His hair though unwashed and slightly shaggy was still lingered in the shape of a working mans cut.
In fact I was going to introduce myself and when I got closer I got to see the thing about him.
The wound. A horrific wound.
Apparently he had gotten a cut on the side of his head. Around the hair line. Unwashed hair is itchy, so he had scratched at it.
Because of course he did.
So the cut stayed open and it got infected.
The first time I saw it the infection, a bright red dagger of infected tissue, was reaching down from the hair line and across the guys cheek.
So seeing this I turned around and walked away.
Time passes by and I don't forget about this guy.
I mean, how can I? He's a living breathing metaphor.
More time passes and I get sick myself. A silly little head cold that I figured would just go away if I waited long enough.
A head cold that erupted and sent me, in panic, to the emergency room. Nothing like bleeding out your ear to make you take a cold seriously.
Of course things didn't go great at the ER.
As soon as I stepped into the door the Doctor had decided I was just trying to scam some opiate derived pain medication out of him.
So I left and hospital security decided to help me out the door.
I objected to that level of rudeness.
By the way, never headbutt someone when you have a head cold. Normally the force of the blow is absorbed into the sinus. However when the sinus is jammed full of fluid it instead transfers the force of the blow throughout the entire interior of the skull. Terrible idea. Don't do it.
Anyway, the next day I hit up a nice drop in center. If you don't know what a drop in center is, it's a place where they give out watery coffee and stale donuts.
I noticed the guy with the head wound. I tried to ignore him.
But that day they had a doctor visiting that drop in center and so I decided to go see him.
Within five minutes I had a nice big bottle of oral antibiotics. I was vastly thankful for this level of care.
I paused a moment as I attempted to think of a way to thank this doctor.
"Hey, how would you like to save someone's life?" I asked him.
In thanks I gave him the wounded man.
I saw him a few times after that.
No longer swollen the once infected tissue was now sunken, permanently etched into his face.
What was worse was the rest of it though. His confused and frightened eyes and ever more dismal appearance suggested that...
Suggested that of course carrying a seething rotting wound on the side of your head is going to damage your brain. Because of course it does. How could it not?
Heh. I like the voice here - I'm always a fan of deadpan can't-be-arsed narrators, and this pulls it off nicely. And you pulled off a great final blow at the end there, too: when he took the head-wound man to the doctor, and his wound got better, I actually felt warm and happy for him - and then, holy sugar, brain damage. That stung to read. Excellent buildup and punch, sir or ma'am.
Spelling's excellent. Grammar's slightly raw in places - you need an extra helping of commas, in particular - but that's just dealine issues, I suspect; I can see you know what you're doing from all the places it's right.
TLDR: Do a once-through for grammar correction, and you're golden. An excellent read.
Spelling's excellent. Grammar's slightly raw in places - you need an extra helping of commas, in particular - but that's just dealine issues, I suspect; I can see you know what you're doing from all the places it's right.
TLDR: Do a once-through for grammar correction, and you're golden. An excellent read.
This story needs a healthy dose of commas. But other than grammatical issues, it's mostly okay.
I don't really get why the doctor kicked the narrator out for no reason, especially since it's clear that he wouldn't have needed to prescribe the narrator opiates anyway. Are we supposed to infer that the narrator is also homeless, so the doctor was just stereotyping or something?
And I'm not sure that giving the wounded man to the (good) doctor is really that much of a way to thank him either, but whatever.
Just fix up all the grammar and this story will be perfectly acceptable.
I don't really get why the doctor kicked the narrator out for no reason, especially since it's clear that he wouldn't have needed to prescribe the narrator opiates anyway. Are we supposed to infer that the narrator is also homeless, so the doctor was just stereotyping or something?
And I'm not sure that giving the wounded man to the (good) doctor is really that much of a way to thank him either, but whatever.
Just fix up all the grammar and this story will be perfectly acceptable.
Solid fic, the voice seems authentic. A few mechanical issues that others have noted, but given the nature of the fic, it's hard to tell how much of it is intentional or not.
No real flaws to mention that the others haven't already covered.
The plot is simple but weighty, and the ending hits hard. Depressing, but a very direct interpretation of the prompt.
No real flaws to mention that the others haven't already covered.
The plot is simple but weighty, and the ending hits hard. Depressing, but a very direct interpretation of the prompt.
I noticed the grammar issues, which means, I think, that they were indeed intentional.
The narrator has a strong voice, you can infer a lot of his personality from the way he talks, from the things he notices and from how the narration jumps apparently randomly from one issue to the next one.
The ending hit hard. It wasn't unexpected, but that didn't diminish its impact in my opinion.
Great story, and perfect for the format too.
>>The_Letter_J
I think the narrator is quite open about his own condition, and the doctor's reaction stems probably directly from that.
The narrator has a strong voice, you can infer a lot of his personality from the way he talks, from the things he notices and from how the narration jumps apparently randomly from one issue to the next one.
The ending hit hard. It wasn't unexpected, but that didn't diminish its impact in my opinion.
Great story, and perfect for the format too.
>>The_Letter_J
I think the narrator is quite open about his own condition, and the doctor's reaction stems probably directly from that.
The story was good (if a little on the telly side, but that was due to the format you went with), but I had a hard time believing four things.
First, a doctor wouldn't have turned you down for antibiotics, particularly not for the impression you were seeking pain medicine. Doctors are used to saying "no" to pain meds and still treating their clients, especially if you said you'd bled out your ear.
Second, the security officers headbutting you seems unrealistic unless you became remarkably physical with them.
Third, the headbutt-effect is very creative, but I know too much about medicine, so I couldn't buy it. I could, however, believe that the narrator might think that.
Fourth and largest of all, having a gash on your face wouldn't do anything to your brain, except psychologically. Your brain is (conceptually speaking) further away from your face than your face is from your toes. It lies behind multiple physical and systemic barriers that make it really hard to get to.
I guess the moral of this critique is this: if your readers have worked in neurology, they're probably going to be assholes just like me. :trollestia: I'll try not to let any of that affect my scoring, however.
First, a doctor wouldn't have turned you down for antibiotics, particularly not for the impression you were seeking pain medicine. Doctors are used to saying "no" to pain meds and still treating their clients, especially if you said you'd bled out your ear.
Second, the security officers headbutting you seems unrealistic unless you became remarkably physical with them.
Third, the headbutt-effect is very creative, but I know too much about medicine, so I couldn't buy it. I could, however, believe that the narrator might think that.
Fourth and largest of all, having a gash on your face wouldn't do anything to your brain, except psychologically. Your brain is (conceptually speaking) further away from your face than your face is from your toes. It lies behind multiple physical and systemic barriers that make it really hard to get to.
I guess the moral of this critique is this: if your readers have worked in neurology, they're probably going to be assholes just like me. :trollestia: I'll try not to let any of that affect my scoring, however.
>>Trick_Question
Well, an infection devolved in a gangrene (like the one we had here) can become something horrible enough that fever and toxins can cause neurological damage. It has to be something truly nasty, but I kinda thought that was the case here. Maybe that's only me filling in relatively unimportant details (and maybe I'm wrong, I'm not (a fact that should be praised by everyone who could pass by my greasy little fingers) a doctor).
Well, an infection devolved in a gangrene (like the one we had here) can become something horrible enough that fever and toxins can cause neurological damage. It has to be something truly nasty, but I kinda thought that was the case here. Maybe that's only me filling in relatively unimportant details (and maybe I'm wrong, I'm not (a fact that should be praised by everyone who could pass by my greasy little fingers) a doctor).