Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Transistional Pools
An underground swimming pool was flooding. Water, freezing and boiling at the same time, lapped further and further along the tile. It had almost completed its journey to the wall. Enough steam had come off the water to create a light layer of fog that filled the room. Every minute or so, the fluorescent lights would flicker, obscuring the pool, bleachers, and bins of water polo equipment.
A girl with a pink bob and black hoodie was curled up on one of the bleachers’ few floorboards, crying. She had been for hours. Upon first waking up, there had been no fog and she had enough resolve to try the doors, discovering an infinite loop of swimming pools. She then spent a good deal of time looking for a clue, like this was a Legend of Zelda directional puzzle or an escape room, but after an hour she ran out of uninundated places to look and the water was starting to cover the floor.
“Hey Champ.”
Any voice would’ve been enough for the girl to jolt up, but this especially applied to the voice of her girlfriend, who was now sitting a few rows above her in a leather jacket, her long brunette hair flowing in a nonexistent breeze.
“Alina?”
“Close, Mittie,” she responded, smirking. “I’m your mind’s extrapolation of her. This is all in your mind.”
Mittie’s eyes narrowed, processing what she had known all along. It was still a lot to take in. She slammed her left arm into the neighboring seat of the bleachers, but nothing happened. No sound, no pain. Nothing.
“This isn’t a lucid dream though,” chimed Alina. “There’s been an accident. I’ll spare the details because I don’t want to panic you, but there’s no easy way to say that you’re slowly bleeding out.”
“But the real you is coming for me, right?”
“Sorry, but I don’t know anything you don’t.” Mittie’s face drooped, and a brief glint in her eyes betrayed that she was crushed by this. “I mean, I have to be looking,” continued Alina, with the first words she spoke that went against her cool demeanor. “I am me, after all.” Confidence, albeit a mockery of it, had returned to her voice.
The two sat in silence for a little bit, and Mittie turned her body and her attention out to the pool after sliding up onto the seat to be a little more comfortable. The fog was a lot thicker now, but she could still see this half of the room quite easily, and glowing lights had started to flash under the water. The lights turned on and off, letting the reds, blues, and yellows dance through the fog to give the room an otherworldly feel. This is what Mittie thought places like the River Styx were supposed to look like.
After another hour or so of mild chit-chat and silence, the mist was dense enough that it was hard to see past the edge of the bleachers, and the boundaries for the pool were solidly out of sight. The flashing lights had intensified and darked. They now felt more like alarms and far less mystical and alluring.
“Hey, Alina,” stammered Mittie. “Does the fog have anything to do with how close I am to death?”
“Probably. If I had to guess it means your mind is running out of energy and can’t render the full room.” Alina was way too calm about this, but this is what Alina is like. At least to Mittie.
“In that case, will you be the last thing I ever think about?” Alina bumped herself down a few rows to meet Mittie. Before her butt could touch the seat, Mittie dove under Alina’s arm, wrapping her arms around Alina’s waist. Alina returned the hug, savoring the moment before gently pushing Mittie back down onto the bench and hoisted herself up to straddle Mittie’s legs.
“Of course,” she said, before leaning down and planting a fiery kiss onto Mittie’s lips.
They held the kiss until everything went white.
A girl with a pink bob and black hoodie was curled up on one of the bleachers’ few floorboards, crying. She had been for hours. Upon first waking up, there had been no fog and she had enough resolve to try the doors, discovering an infinite loop of swimming pools. She then spent a good deal of time looking for a clue, like this was a Legend of Zelda directional puzzle or an escape room, but after an hour she ran out of uninundated places to look and the water was starting to cover the floor.
“Hey Champ.”
Any voice would’ve been enough for the girl to jolt up, but this especially applied to the voice of her girlfriend, who was now sitting a few rows above her in a leather jacket, her long brunette hair flowing in a nonexistent breeze.
“Alina?”
“Close, Mittie,” she responded, smirking. “I’m your mind’s extrapolation of her. This is all in your mind.”
Mittie’s eyes narrowed, processing what she had known all along. It was still a lot to take in. She slammed her left arm into the neighboring seat of the bleachers, but nothing happened. No sound, no pain. Nothing.
“This isn’t a lucid dream though,” chimed Alina. “There’s been an accident. I’ll spare the details because I don’t want to panic you, but there’s no easy way to say that you’re slowly bleeding out.”
“But the real you is coming for me, right?”
“Sorry, but I don’t know anything you don’t.” Mittie’s face drooped, and a brief glint in her eyes betrayed that she was crushed by this. “I mean, I have to be looking,” continued Alina, with the first words she spoke that went against her cool demeanor. “I am me, after all.” Confidence, albeit a mockery of it, had returned to her voice.
The two sat in silence for a little bit, and Mittie turned her body and her attention out to the pool after sliding up onto the seat to be a little more comfortable. The fog was a lot thicker now, but she could still see this half of the room quite easily, and glowing lights had started to flash under the water. The lights turned on and off, letting the reds, blues, and yellows dance through the fog to give the room an otherworldly feel. This is what Mittie thought places like the River Styx were supposed to look like.
After another hour or so of mild chit-chat and silence, the mist was dense enough that it was hard to see past the edge of the bleachers, and the boundaries for the pool were solidly out of sight. The flashing lights had intensified and darked. They now felt more like alarms and far less mystical and alluring.
“Hey, Alina,” stammered Mittie. “Does the fog have anything to do with how close I am to death?”
“Probably. If I had to guess it means your mind is running out of energy and can’t render the full room.” Alina was way too calm about this, but this is what Alina is like. At least to Mittie.
“In that case, will you be the last thing I ever think about?” Alina bumped herself down a few rows to meet Mittie. Before her butt could touch the seat, Mittie dove under Alina’s arm, wrapping her arms around Alina’s waist. Alina returned the hug, savoring the moment before gently pushing Mittie back down onto the bench and hoisted herself up to straddle Mittie’s legs.
“Of course,” she said, before leaning down and planting a fiery kiss onto Mittie’s lips.
They held the kiss until everything went white.
Pics
This feels like something out of Stranger Things- just needed to get that out of my mind.
At first, I was thinking about the key details of things, with water boiling and freezing at the same time, I was about to say that the character, Mittie, is in extreme danger if this tells us anything that the pressure and temperature are at the triple-point of water. If this was the case, our character is dead within seconds.
But things aren’t always as it seems. I hate to make assumptions due to my track record when it comes to assumptions. If I have read correctly, Mittie is stuck in her head due to a coma or something and her decisions while in ‘headspace’ will ultimately decide whether she will be free or not.
But then, Alaina shows up and basically says to her, ‘I’m a figment and cannot help you’. But that’s assuming the flash at the end is death welcoming her, and not her waking up out of presumed coma.
I feel like this one is out of place. What are we supposed to feel? The plight? The love between Mittie and Alaina? Given that the round only allows for 750 words, I understand that not a lot can be conveyed, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
The things I like though are the vivid scene. You paint a clear picture in my mind about how this ‘room’ works. It’s the main thing conveying the futileness of the scene. Just focus on that, maybe a bit of the puzzles given, and you’ve got a solid piece!
Thanks for writing!
At first, I was thinking about the key details of things, with water boiling and freezing at the same time, I was about to say that the character, Mittie, is in extreme danger if this tells us anything that the pressure and temperature are at the triple-point of water. If this was the case, our character is dead within seconds.
But things aren’t always as it seems. I hate to make assumptions due to my track record when it comes to assumptions. If I have read correctly, Mittie is stuck in her head due to a coma or something and her decisions while in ‘headspace’ will ultimately decide whether she will be free or not.
But then, Alaina shows up and basically says to her, ‘I’m a figment and cannot help you’. But that’s assuming the flash at the end is death welcoming her, and not her waking up out of presumed coma.
I feel like this one is out of place. What are we supposed to feel? The plight? The love between Mittie and Alaina? Given that the round only allows for 750 words, I understand that not a lot can be conveyed, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
The things I like though are the vivid scene. You paint a clear picture in my mind about how this ‘room’ works. It’s the main thing conveying the futileness of the scene. Just focus on that, maybe a bit of the puzzles given, and you’ve got a solid piece!
Thanks for writing!
This story feels torn between a few different ideas, and I felt like it was struggling to hit the harmony between them that it wanted to. The strongest idea here is the setting and the ambience. You've created an interesting location in Mittie's mindscape, and I found myself sucked into the melancholy of it all. I was captivated by the idea of water boiling and freezing at the same time, but I would have liked to see it be expanded upon, as it almost feels like a throwaway detail.
The second side here is the plot, or what's happening to Mittie. There's very little elaboration here, and I agree with this choice. To me this story is less of a story about escaping limbo, and more of a story about just vibing in limbo, so I feel like this is the least important element of the story.
The last side is the characters, and the relationships between them, and this is the side of the story I think needs the most work. I actually like Alina a good bit, but I found Mittie to not be especially interesting, which is an issue when the story is about her reaction and emotions caused by waking up in her mind's own purgatory. I also don't feel the big kiss scene in the end, and I think it's because I'm just not feeling the romantic chemistry between Alina and Mittie. Because of this the scene feels a little out of nowhere. I love the idea behind it though. It would be a big moment to shift both Mittie and the reader from uncomfortable and disorientated by the location into a calmness and comfort of a loved one. If you can expand this a bit more and make this transition work for the reader as well as it works for Mittie, I think you would have a really good story on your hands.
The second side here is the plot, or what's happening to Mittie. There's very little elaboration here, and I agree with this choice. To me this story is less of a story about escaping limbo, and more of a story about just vibing in limbo, so I feel like this is the least important element of the story.
The last side is the characters, and the relationships between them, and this is the side of the story I think needs the most work. I actually like Alina a good bit, but I found Mittie to not be especially interesting, which is an issue when the story is about her reaction and emotions caused by waking up in her mind's own purgatory. I also don't feel the big kiss scene in the end, and I think it's because I'm just not feeling the romantic chemistry between Alina and Mittie. Because of this the scene feels a little out of nowhere. I love the idea behind it though. It would be a big moment to shift both Mittie and the reader from uncomfortable and disorientated by the location into a calmness and comfort of a loved one. If you can expand this a bit more and make this transition work for the reader as well as it works for Mittie, I think you would have a really good story on your hands.
Short reviews from me as usual. Vita brevis est, ars longa.
I am usually a sucker for inner mindscape fics, and this one got my attention. I would have liked to see more time given to the mystery, but I don't know if the author wanted to emphasize the setting or the characters, or whether this was all the usual compromise from having to squeeze everything short. Still, evocative and an upper slater for me this round. Thanks, Author!
I am usually a sucker for inner mindscape fics, and this one got my attention. I would have liked to see more time given to the mystery, but I don't know if the author wanted to emphasize the setting or the characters, or whether this was all the usual compromise from having to squeeze everything short. Still, evocative and an upper slater for me this round. Thanks, Author!