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No Service
Saturday, December 9, 2019, 9:23 PM. Somewhere in the Tetons.
Shivering had stopped a while ago as Joshua and his dad waded through the snow. As he gazed at the icy sterile brightness of his screen, the world was plunged into darkness only light by headlamps.
“Should we turn back and wait in the car? Wait out this storm?” His father asked over the roaring winds.
Joshua twisted back. Even through the flurrying darkness he saw the genuine look of fear in his father’s eyes. With snow matting on his eyebrows and eyelashes, the verdant green eyes of his father were pleading.
He’d about had enough too. Soon the gasoline in the car would run out. Maybe they’d outlast the storm. Maybe not. As Joshua contemplated the options, he said back, “We’ve come too far to quit now. Just go with me another quarter mile.”
He’d been saying that a while back, and he wondered if this was a fool’s hope, looking out here for a flicker of something.
The words “No service” on his phone had set in the reality of their situation. With the car stuck in a rut of snow, without traction, there was a likelihood that some of them might now last until morning.
Joshua wanted desperately to warm up in the car, but he still clung onto the fact that he had service about half an hour back down the pass. Weak, at most, but nonetheless, service. It was worth a shot. Besides, he was used to it now, and the deep freeze in his bones had been replaced by an odd warmth. Perhaps it was the exercise.
Joshua made it onto a rocky outcropping. His heart skipped a beat when the phone indicated one bar of service. Quickly pressing in the digits, he placed a call. After a moment of trading information, and the sudden surge in his father’s eyes of hope, he hung up the phone and turned back.
The trek up the pass was longer than he remembered. Perhaps it was the incline. As he traveled up, their newfound hope had tapered off.
This wasn’t the road, was it? Surely the parting of the towering evergreens matted with snow marked a path, but at this point, with the limited visibility, everything blended into one.
“Are we going the right way?” Joshua asked.
His father patted him on the back and smiled. “Yes. Just a little further. Quarter mile.”
Joshua opened his eyes. The bright light flooded in, burning his retinas. As he tried to reach up to block the light out, his arms ached and burned.
When his eyes finally developed some contrast and he saw the silhouettes of three people: two tall and one of them short.
“He’s awake, so I’ll give you some time alone,” an unfamiliar voice said, followed by one of the tall silhouettes moving out of view.
Joshua groaned and hissed. His whole body was in a mixture of numbness and fire.
Finally, his eyes adjusted to the mildly bandaged faces of his mother. Standing right next to him was his sister.
“You are lucky,” his mother began, her voice weak and croaky.
Joshua closed his eyes. The question in his heart rose up to his lips and asked, “What happened?”
“You were near the car when you collapsed from hypothermia. Dad brought you safely back in.”
Joshua clenched his teeth stifling another gasp of pain as it seared across his torso.
“Where’s dad?” Joshua asked.
“In the other room, recovering as well,” his mom said. “You two are both as brave and stupid as they come.”
Joshua managed a weak chuckle. It hurt to laugh.
“Take time to get the rest you need.”
Shivering had stopped a while ago as Joshua and his dad waded through the snow. As he gazed at the icy sterile brightness of his screen, the world was plunged into darkness only light by headlamps.
“Should we turn back and wait in the car? Wait out this storm?” His father asked over the roaring winds.
Joshua twisted back. Even through the flurrying darkness he saw the genuine look of fear in his father’s eyes. With snow matting on his eyebrows and eyelashes, the verdant green eyes of his father were pleading.
He’d about had enough too. Soon the gasoline in the car would run out. Maybe they’d outlast the storm. Maybe not. As Joshua contemplated the options, he said back, “We’ve come too far to quit now. Just go with me another quarter mile.”
He’d been saying that a while back, and he wondered if this was a fool’s hope, looking out here for a flicker of something.
The words “No service” on his phone had set in the reality of their situation. With the car stuck in a rut of snow, without traction, there was a likelihood that some of them might now last until morning.
Joshua wanted desperately to warm up in the car, but he still clung onto the fact that he had service about half an hour back down the pass. Weak, at most, but nonetheless, service. It was worth a shot. Besides, he was used to it now, and the deep freeze in his bones had been replaced by an odd warmth. Perhaps it was the exercise.
Joshua made it onto a rocky outcropping. His heart skipped a beat when the phone indicated one bar of service. Quickly pressing in the digits, he placed a call. After a moment of trading information, and the sudden surge in his father’s eyes of hope, he hung up the phone and turned back.
The trek up the pass was longer than he remembered. Perhaps it was the incline. As he traveled up, their newfound hope had tapered off.
This wasn’t the road, was it? Surely the parting of the towering evergreens matted with snow marked a path, but at this point, with the limited visibility, everything blended into one.
“Are we going the right way?” Joshua asked.
His father patted him on the back and smiled. “Yes. Just a little further. Quarter mile.”
Joshua opened his eyes. The bright light flooded in, burning his retinas. As he tried to reach up to block the light out, his arms ached and burned.
When his eyes finally developed some contrast and he saw the silhouettes of three people: two tall and one of them short.
“He’s awake, so I’ll give you some time alone,” an unfamiliar voice said, followed by one of the tall silhouettes moving out of view.
Joshua groaned and hissed. His whole body was in a mixture of numbness and fire.
Finally, his eyes adjusted to the mildly bandaged faces of his mother. Standing right next to him was his sister.
“You are lucky,” his mother began, her voice weak and croaky.
Joshua closed his eyes. The question in his heart rose up to his lips and asked, “What happened?”
“You were near the car when you collapsed from hypothermia. Dad brought you safely back in.”
Joshua clenched his teeth stifling another gasp of pain as it seared across his torso.
“Where’s dad?” Joshua asked.
“In the other room, recovering as well,” his mom said. “You two are both as brave and stupid as they come.”
Joshua managed a weak chuckle. It hurt to laugh.
“Take time to get the rest you need.”
Pics
This one suffers the same problem as Transitional pools. The reader is suspended from the plight of the character. Again, like I said in the other review, what are we supposed to feel? Plight? This time a father-son bond that is unbreakable?
To make it worse, the problem seems to get resolved, but somehow, Joshua and dad get frozen on their way back, but alas, they are safe in the hospital! Alive too! This seems to erase any feeling the reader had before, if it was at all possible.
What I do like is the imagery in this one though: the ambience of the snowstorm, the sterileness and remoteness of the environment. I would use this to help convey the plight more, but other than that, nothing else to say.
As always, this is a crappy Pinoy review, so take it with a grain of salt. Thanks for writing!
To make it worse, the problem seems to get resolved, but somehow, Joshua and dad get frozen on their way back, but alas, they are safe in the hospital! Alive too! This seems to erase any feeling the reader had before, if it was at all possible.
What I do like is the imagery in this one though: the ambience of the snowstorm, the sterileness and remoteness of the environment. I would use this to help convey the plight more, but other than that, nothing else to say.
As always, this is a crappy Pinoy review, so take it with a grain of salt. Thanks for writing!
The story places its focus on the survival situation, and I think this is the right call as with a few nice descriptions the reader can use Joshua as a self insert. I particularly like the phrase "icy sterile brightness," but the entirety of the first two scenes are good at dropping the reader down into the situation. At the same time, I don't think this story goes as far as it could have. I feel like the 130 unused words could be used to milk the storm section and increase the desperation. To add to that, I'm not a fan of skipping over Joshua passing out and going from them midway back to the car straight into him waking up in the hospital. The drama would be heightened by including the part where he's getting even more tired of the snow and passing out, as as it stands it feels like the climax was ripped out of the story. This is why overall I don't find this story works for me.
The ending section in the hospital is alright. I do appreciate that this is the only fic in the contest to not have an ambiguous ending, but it's a bit stilted and the final line could have more of an oomph. The current version is a bit too abrupt for me.
I also found that the following few lines sounded pretty awkward when I was reading them to myself.
“Should we turn back and wait in the car? Wait out this storm?” "Wait out this storm" feels unnecessary because it would be obvious why they'd be waiting in the car, and I can't imagine anyone I know choosing this phrasing for these questions.
"He’d been saying that a while back, and he wondered if this was a fool’s hope, looking out here for a flicker of something." Using "this" in the sentence makes it feel definite and like a final clause. I think either making the last clause a new sentence, or maybe altering the world choice to make the second clause feel softer and a better lead into the final clause.
The ending section in the hospital is alright. I do appreciate that this is the only fic in the contest to not have an ambiguous ending, but it's a bit stilted and the final line could have more of an oomph. The current version is a bit too abrupt for me.
I also found that the following few lines sounded pretty awkward when I was reading them to myself.
“Should we turn back and wait in the car? Wait out this storm?” "Wait out this storm" feels unnecessary because it would be obvious why they'd be waiting in the car, and I can't imagine anyone I know choosing this phrasing for these questions.
"He’d been saying that a while back, and he wondered if this was a fool’s hope, looking out here for a flicker of something." Using "this" in the sentence makes it feel definite and like a final clause. I think either making the last clause a new sentence, or maybe altering the world choice to make the second clause feel softer and a better lead into the final clause.
This one does a decent job of describing a real life survival situation. but it just didn't grab me. The dramatic tension seems to get lost in the separators somehow. There should be more continuity of action to keep things going. Thank you, Author!