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Dashed Hopes
Rainbow Dash’s wings nervously fluffed and fluttered at her sides as she walked towards the distant sounds of applebucking. The bright light of a clear, sunny day diffused through the tidy rows of apple trees, leaves rustling in the breeze. Normally -- and especially on a day like this one -- she would fly into Sweet Apple Acres, enjoying the sky for as long as possible; she just didn’t feel like it was worth it today, though.
She’d been feeling like that a lot lately.
It was too much effort and she just didn’t have the energy. Maybe tomorrow. And then ‘maybe tomorrow’s would pile up into her staring at the ceiling at three in the morning and only flying when she absolutely had to.
She snorted and groaned. Rainbow might not have known what was wrong with her, but she was sick of running in mental circles. Normally, she would never go to a friend to whine, but this was very much not a normal situation.
And, as much as she hated to admit it, she was scared. She was scared of the way things felt pointless; she was scared of the way she couldn’t sleep. But most of all she was scared that she just felt empty. Hollowed out.
Before her thoughts could go any further, she saw the mare she was looking for. Rainbow might have had a bit of a rivalry with Applejack, but there was no one among her friends she trusted more. Applejack was dependable, always willing to be there for others, which was important to the Element of Loyalty.
Rainbow paused. Applejack had bags under her eyes and her coat was lathered -- proof of how hard she’d been working recently. She was breathing heavily and it looked like she was about to fall asleep. Maybe now wasn’t a good time to bother her about something she wasn’t sure how to actually explain. Taking a step back, her hoof snapped a twig and Applejack’s head shot up towards her.
“Rainbow? What are you doing here?”
“Hey AJ. I, uh, wanted to talk to you about something. But you look really busy, so I’ll just leave you to it.” She rubbed her foreleg and chuckled awkwardly, hoping her friend would leave well enough alone.
“Just ‘cause I’m busy doesn’t mean I can’t spare a minute for a friend,” Applejack said, offering a small smile to her friend. “Could we keep it quick, though? Work waits for no one and all.”
“Yeah, of course. Thanks AJ,” Rainbow said, outwardly relieved but cursing internally. So much for leaving well enough alone. She sat down and circled her hoof in the air, as if willing her thoughts into motion. “I’ve just been down lately, and I’m not sure what I should do about it.”
Applejack furrowed her brow. “Well, I’ve seen you down before Rainbow, but you always seemed better a few days later. Have you tried doing, well, whatever it is you usually do when you’re feeling down?”
“Yeah!” Rainbow said, throwing her forelegs in the air to punctuate. “I’ve tried practicing some tricks. I’ve tried every flying exercise I know. Hay, I’ve even tried just waiting this out, but nothing seems to be working.” Closing her eyes, she softly said, “I don’t even know what’s got me so down, and I’m just… lost.”
Silence stretched uncomfortably between the two, only interrupted by leaves rustling in the breeze. Rainbow squirmed, unsure whether that last sentence carried over the wind. Part of her hoped she had because she didn’t think she could say it again; part of her hoped it hadn’t, whispering doubts into the back of her mind.
“So, you don’t know what’s got you down,” Applejack said slowly, breaking the silence. Rainbow’s eyes opened, and she wished they hadn’t. Applejack’s eyebrow was raised and the corners of her mouth were stretched back, unamused.
Rainbow’s ears fell, as if pinned by an oppressive weight. “Well, no…”
“Can you at least try to explain? I ain’t got all day.”
“Well, it’s kind of like… little things get to me when they didn’t before. And I don’t have any energy, or… Um…” She stumbled over her words, trying to organize and express thoughts and feelings that were barely ordered before Applejack hurried her.
“Just spit it out already, girl!” Applejack shouted.
“I’m trying!” Rainbow shouted right back. She licked her suddenly dry lips. “It’s just… I can’t…”
Applejack stomped and glared at her. “Darn it Rainbow, why did you think it was a good idea to come here and waste my time over something you can’t even talk about?” Her tone was icy, and it cut Rainbow to the quick.
“W-what?” she managed to stutter out, scrambling backwards to her hooves as if she had been slapped. Rainbow’s mouth was agape and her eyes were wide. She had trusted Applejack, and now… Tears welled up in her eyes and no matter how hard she tried to blink them away, they continued to blur her vision
“Rainbow… You know I didn’t mean it like that.” Applejack’s eyes softened, but her tone still had that steel to it. Her hindlegs were already twitching, itching to get back to work, and she stayed rooted to the spot, not even making the pretense of offering physical comfort.
Rainbow Dash saw it all just as surely as she saw the sky was blue; she felt it just as surely as the grass beneath her hooves. The retraction was meaningless. Just an olive branch being offered to her after getting struck with it. It didn’t matter.
She collected herself and offered a shaky smile. “Y-yeah, of course not. It’s cool, AJ.” She turned away and flapped her wings. “I’ll see you later.”
Under her breath, she added, “Sorry for wasting your time.”
If Applejack said anything else, she didn’t hear it.
She flew home faster than she’d flown in weeks, and she grit her teeth because she knew it was still slow compared to her normal speed. Furiously blinking in an attempt to clear up her blurry vision, she flew primarily on instinct, and ended up flying through her window and crashing into her bed. The impact stole her breath, and she was so distracted that she forgot to be thankful that her windows had no glass.
Smashing her face against a pillow, she screamed and wailed until her throat was raw. All of the frustration and anger of the day slowly drained away. When she could scream no more, she sobbed, but no matter how long and how hard she cried, the feelings of hurt and betrayal stayed.
Finally, wheezing and rasping, eyes red and puffy, she lost any meager energy she had left and flopped onto her back. She stared at her unchanging ceiling until her eyes grew heavy and she fell into dreamless sleep.
She’d been feeling like that a lot lately.
It was too much effort and she just didn’t have the energy. Maybe tomorrow. And then ‘maybe tomorrow’s would pile up into her staring at the ceiling at three in the morning and only flying when she absolutely had to.
She snorted and groaned. Rainbow might not have known what was wrong with her, but she was sick of running in mental circles. Normally, she would never go to a friend to whine, but this was very much not a normal situation.
And, as much as she hated to admit it, she was scared. She was scared of the way things felt pointless; she was scared of the way she couldn’t sleep. But most of all she was scared that she just felt empty. Hollowed out.
Before her thoughts could go any further, she saw the mare she was looking for. Rainbow might have had a bit of a rivalry with Applejack, but there was no one among her friends she trusted more. Applejack was dependable, always willing to be there for others, which was important to the Element of Loyalty.
Rainbow paused. Applejack had bags under her eyes and her coat was lathered -- proof of how hard she’d been working recently. She was breathing heavily and it looked like she was about to fall asleep. Maybe now wasn’t a good time to bother her about something she wasn’t sure how to actually explain. Taking a step back, her hoof snapped a twig and Applejack’s head shot up towards her.
“Rainbow? What are you doing here?”
“Hey AJ. I, uh, wanted to talk to you about something. But you look really busy, so I’ll just leave you to it.” She rubbed her foreleg and chuckled awkwardly, hoping her friend would leave well enough alone.
“Just ‘cause I’m busy doesn’t mean I can’t spare a minute for a friend,” Applejack said, offering a small smile to her friend. “Could we keep it quick, though? Work waits for no one and all.”
“Yeah, of course. Thanks AJ,” Rainbow said, outwardly relieved but cursing internally. So much for leaving well enough alone. She sat down and circled her hoof in the air, as if willing her thoughts into motion. “I’ve just been down lately, and I’m not sure what I should do about it.”
Applejack furrowed her brow. “Well, I’ve seen you down before Rainbow, but you always seemed better a few days later. Have you tried doing, well, whatever it is you usually do when you’re feeling down?”
“Yeah!” Rainbow said, throwing her forelegs in the air to punctuate. “I’ve tried practicing some tricks. I’ve tried every flying exercise I know. Hay, I’ve even tried just waiting this out, but nothing seems to be working.” Closing her eyes, she softly said, “I don’t even know what’s got me so down, and I’m just… lost.”
Silence stretched uncomfortably between the two, only interrupted by leaves rustling in the breeze. Rainbow squirmed, unsure whether that last sentence carried over the wind. Part of her hoped she had because she didn’t think she could say it again; part of her hoped it hadn’t, whispering doubts into the back of her mind.
“So, you don’t know what’s got you down,” Applejack said slowly, breaking the silence. Rainbow’s eyes opened, and she wished they hadn’t. Applejack’s eyebrow was raised and the corners of her mouth were stretched back, unamused.
Rainbow’s ears fell, as if pinned by an oppressive weight. “Well, no…”
“Can you at least try to explain? I ain’t got all day.”
“Well, it’s kind of like… little things get to me when they didn’t before. And I don’t have any energy, or… Um…” She stumbled over her words, trying to organize and express thoughts and feelings that were barely ordered before Applejack hurried her.
“Just spit it out already, girl!” Applejack shouted.
“I’m trying!” Rainbow shouted right back. She licked her suddenly dry lips. “It’s just… I can’t…”
Applejack stomped and glared at her. “Darn it Rainbow, why did you think it was a good idea to come here and waste my time over something you can’t even talk about?” Her tone was icy, and it cut Rainbow to the quick.
“W-what?” she managed to stutter out, scrambling backwards to her hooves as if she had been slapped. Rainbow’s mouth was agape and her eyes were wide. She had trusted Applejack, and now… Tears welled up in her eyes and no matter how hard she tried to blink them away, they continued to blur her vision
“Rainbow… You know I didn’t mean it like that.” Applejack’s eyes softened, but her tone still had that steel to it. Her hindlegs were already twitching, itching to get back to work, and she stayed rooted to the spot, not even making the pretense of offering physical comfort.
Rainbow Dash saw it all just as surely as she saw the sky was blue; she felt it just as surely as the grass beneath her hooves. The retraction was meaningless. Just an olive branch being offered to her after getting struck with it. It didn’t matter.
She collected herself and offered a shaky smile. “Y-yeah, of course not. It’s cool, AJ.” She turned away and flapped her wings. “I’ll see you later.”
Under her breath, she added, “Sorry for wasting your time.”
If Applejack said anything else, she didn’t hear it.
She flew home faster than she’d flown in weeks, and she grit her teeth because she knew it was still slow compared to her normal speed. Furiously blinking in an attempt to clear up her blurry vision, she flew primarily on instinct, and ended up flying through her window and crashing into her bed. The impact stole her breath, and she was so distracted that she forgot to be thankful that her windows had no glass.
Smashing her face against a pillow, she screamed and wailed until her throat was raw. All of the frustration and anger of the day slowly drained away. When she could scream no more, she sobbed, but no matter how long and how hard she cried, the feelings of hurt and betrayal stayed.
Finally, wheezing and rasping, eyes red and puffy, she lost any meager energy she had left and flopped onto her back. She stared at her unchanging ceiling until her eyes grew heavy and she fell into dreamless sleep.
Depression really sucks. That sure is part of the reason. I wonder how reliable the narrator is… and I wonder how many times it's been.
Logic quibble: physical labor is the kind of thing that you can do while the other person works to sort out what they want to say. It is easy to be short with them when devoting your attention to them (consarn it, I got stuff to do!), but the two aren't as mutually exclusive as this story seems to imply -- it's fishing for testiness that AJ doesn't need to express.
That aside... nothing really changes because, thank you, depression, nothing can.
The narration feels a bit clunky in some places, but nothing too major. The characterization of both (see above quibble) is stretched for both of these characters, but not egregiously so...
Difficult to assess this one.
The salve to depression is not optimism, but warmth. By apparent design in this story, AJ fails to provide Dash with either.
That aside... nothing really changes because, thank you, depression, nothing can.
The narration feels a bit clunky in some places, but nothing too major. The characterization of both (see above quibble) is stretched for both of these characters, but not egregiously so...
Difficult to assess this one.
The salve to depression is not optimism, but warmth. By apparent design in this story, AJ fails to provide Dash with either.
I'm not really sure what to think of this one. As someone who does not currently struggle with depression, I don't feel qualified to speak on the emotions underpinning the plot. However, I will try to articulate some grievances with the vibe, which should not be read as dismissive towards people going through depression.
My grievance stems partially from the issue of length. Short stories aren't great mediums for building a well-rounded emotional profile, which is something I feel this story lacks. It's pedal to the metal from the very first sentence with no room for tonal variety, which is something necessary in any good story. A story that is all action all the time or all romance all the time or all intellect all the time gets dull over time.
The only real sin here stems from the limitations of the contest. A longer story would leave more room to expand on the emotions presented and give a more engaging look into the issues you're trying to present.
Thank you for sharing!
My grievance stems partially from the issue of length. Short stories aren't great mediums for building a well-rounded emotional profile, which is something I feel this story lacks. It's pedal to the metal from the very first sentence with no room for tonal variety, which is something necessary in any good story. A story that is all action all the time or all romance all the time or all intellect all the time gets dull over time.
The only real sin here stems from the limitations of the contest. A longer story would leave more room to expand on the emotions presented and give a more engaging look into the issues you're trying to present.
Thank you for sharing!
Genre: Third Studio Album By American Alternative Rock Band The Smashing Pumpkins
Thoughts: I've spent a while thinking about this one, and I find myself continuing to go back to my first reaction after reading it. That was to go back through the fic and try to figure out how long we spent with AJ alternately trying to coax Dash into saying something, or telling her she didn't have time to wait for Dash to start talking--then comparing that to the length of time they spent truly talking back and forth, or the length of time we saw Dash processing their interaction. I don't feel happy with that as a reaction, in part because it renders my chief piece of feeback something along the lines of, "Overhaul the pacing, yo." And I'd like to do better than that within the realm of constructive criticism, but I am hung up on that and a couple days of trying to un-stick it aren't getting me anywhere.
Thing is, I think I see what this is trying to do, and I think it's a solid concept. Dash has things she wants to say to AJ, and we're meant to dwell within the melancholy of her inability to say it. I've even seen this sort of thing work before! There's nothing wrong with melancholia, or even a straight-up mood piece. I've done those as well. I rather like the genre when it works.
There are flashes of it working here. I like how the earliest paragraphs speak about Dash's physical reactions and experiences from the feelings stuck inside her head. There's a transition from that style of physical description to more of a narrative statement that she's feeling various things after it. IMO, when you can keep things more visceral and "showy," it buys more room for readers to follow along and experience the characters' feelings right along with them. Bringing more of that out would help set a hook that you can use to reel readers in.
Also, IMO, AJ be a bit grumpy up in here. I buy that she's busy, but right now her abrasiveness serves as an impediment to developing the emotional aspects of this IMO. What would accentuate Dash's frustration and melancholy (IMO) would be for us the reader to see more openness and warmth from AJ, and yet to have that sit in contrast to Dash's more struggle-filled experience of the moments with her.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: I've spent a while thinking about this one, and I find myself continuing to go back to my first reaction after reading it. That was to go back through the fic and try to figure out how long we spent with AJ alternately trying to coax Dash into saying something, or telling her she didn't have time to wait for Dash to start talking--then comparing that to the length of time they spent truly talking back and forth, or the length of time we saw Dash processing their interaction. I don't feel happy with that as a reaction, in part because it renders my chief piece of feeback something along the lines of, "Overhaul the pacing, yo." And I'd like to do better than that within the realm of constructive criticism, but I am hung up on that and a couple days of trying to un-stick it aren't getting me anywhere.
Thing is, I think I see what this is trying to do, and I think it's a solid concept. Dash has things she wants to say to AJ, and we're meant to dwell within the melancholy of her inability to say it. I've even seen this sort of thing work before! There's nothing wrong with melancholia, or even a straight-up mood piece. I've done those as well. I rather like the genre when it works.
There are flashes of it working here. I like how the earliest paragraphs speak about Dash's physical reactions and experiences from the feelings stuck inside her head. There's a transition from that style of physical description to more of a narrative statement that she's feeling various things after it. IMO, when you can keep things more visceral and "showy," it buys more room for readers to follow along and experience the characters' feelings right along with them. Bringing more of that out would help set a hook that you can use to reel readers in.
Also, IMO, AJ be a bit grumpy up in here. I buy that she's busy, but right now her abrasiveness serves as an impediment to developing the emotional aspects of this IMO. What would accentuate Dash's frustration and melancholy (IMO) would be for us the reader to see more openness and warmth from AJ, and yet to have that sit in contrast to Dash's more struggle-filled experience of the moments with her.
Tier: Keep Developing