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Meat for the Grinder
Flash Sentry had eaten at Quesedillaz many times before, but rarely at a table where everyone else could see, and never with a flaming-hot girl. He was regretting his order of spicy, because there was plenty of heat as it was.
"I, uh," he said, fumbling for small talk, "I'm kinda surprised you were into the movie. Didn't peg you as a hero-fic type."
Sunset Shimmer smirked from behind her burrito. "Right, the firehead who wears leather and drives a motorcycle couldn't possibly have any interest in action."
"That, uh, that's not exactly what I... um." He took another bite to stall.
"It was your first time, right?"
"Burk—"
She gave a sly grin. "The bike, I mean. Or did you think I meant letting your girl drive? You know, you won't last long if you're this easy. I mean, to tease."
"Hey now, that's not fair. Besides, uh, I bet this was the first time you'd gone out with a guy with blue hair!"
"You've got me, there," she said, chuckling.
His phone chimed. He reached into his coat pocket.
"Ah-ah," she scolded. "You're on a date with me, remember? Anything on your phone can wait."
He chuckled nervously. "R-right. It's, uh, just a text anyway. It can wait."
She pouted, clearly playing it. "Are you suggesting that anything someone else could be texting you is more important than the girl in front of you?"
He stole another bite and chewed thoroughly, working very hard to keep his eyes where they belonged.
After a moment, she gave another self-indulgent laugh, then sighed dramatically. "Well, I suppose it is rather cruel to force you to abstain so soon. Go ahead and check it, I won't mind."
"You're sure?" He said, hand already instinctively moving a few inches toward the pocket.
She leaned halfway across the table and shook her head and shoulders playfully, as if nuzzling. "Would you prefer I change my mind?"
He tore his eyes from below her chin. "Uh, okay, sure. When you put it like that..." The phone came out, glowed, went back in. "It's Pierce, my friend. Asking how the movie was."
Still from over the table: "Is that so?"
"And how the date's going."
She beamed at him. "And how is it?"
His eyes had to shift again. "Huh?"
"The date. How's it going?"
"G-great." He started for another stalling bite. Could you, uh, sit back again, please?"
"Hm?" She blinked, as if just becoming aware of herself. "Oh, of course." She beamed again and slowly sat back. "Good friend of yours?"
"I guess so," He said, surprised at the interest. "We've known each other since elementary."
"Is he a rock musician, too?"
Flash laughed. "No! Dude is completely tone-deaf, and a classical buff besides. Nah, we bond over sports and video games."
"Vidya games?"
"Yeah! He's more into RTSes and has this totally weird fixation on Tetris – seriously, never mention it around him unless you want a half-hour essay. But we mesh when it comes to fighting games. Both of us suck at 'em, though."
"I'd like you to show me sometime."
"What?"
"Show me these games. I'd like to see."
He gawked at her, as though she were some space-alien. Or maybe Eve. "For real?"
"Totally."
"Y-yeah, sure! I mean, since you're intersted, and all."
"You're surprised?"
"Well, a little. I mean, most girls think 'video games' and turn the other way."
"So... You're saying that I shouldn't be interested in these games with you?"
"No! I mean, yes? I mean... I mean, I think it's totally cool that you're interested."
She chuckled as if she'd won a small victory.
"You're teasing me."
"I'm a girl," she retorted. "I will always tease you. But..." She leaned forward a little and twisted her shoulders just so. "...I am also interested. It's our next date."
"C—cool." He took another bite for safety, even if the spices only made him sweat more.
"You, ah, got the bill, right?"
He looked at her abruptly. "Huh?"
"Isn't that the deal? The man pays?"
"Uh, yeah..." He sweated some more. He looked around anxiously and suddenly became aware that they were the only two diners left in the restaurant. "Why do you ask all of a—"
She huffed, visibly agitated. "I have a ten-page geology paper due tomorrow, I completely forgot." She flashed an apologetic smile. "Sorry to cut things short, but I have to run. But we have our next date, right?"
"Y—yeah, I guess—"
"Thanks, you're the best!" She mimed a kiss at him. "I'll text you later, okay? Thanks for the night out. I had a really good time."
She was gone with a wave.
"Right..."
After a few more bites, Flash realized that he'd also have to pay for a taxi back home.
His phone buzzed, and out it came. Pierce again.
Flash sighed, unsure himself of what had just happened.
"I, uh," he said, fumbling for small talk, "I'm kinda surprised you were into the movie. Didn't peg you as a hero-fic type."
Sunset Shimmer smirked from behind her burrito. "Right, the firehead who wears leather and drives a motorcycle couldn't possibly have any interest in action."
"That, uh, that's not exactly what I... um." He took another bite to stall.
"It was your first time, right?"
"Burk—"
She gave a sly grin. "The bike, I mean. Or did you think I meant letting your girl drive? You know, you won't last long if you're this easy. I mean, to tease."
"Hey now, that's not fair. Besides, uh, I bet this was the first time you'd gone out with a guy with blue hair!"
"You've got me, there," she said, chuckling.
His phone chimed. He reached into his coat pocket.
"Ah-ah," she scolded. "You're on a date with me, remember? Anything on your phone can wait."
He chuckled nervously. "R-right. It's, uh, just a text anyway. It can wait."
She pouted, clearly playing it. "Are you suggesting that anything someone else could be texting you is more important than the girl in front of you?"
He stole another bite and chewed thoroughly, working very hard to keep his eyes where they belonged.
After a moment, she gave another self-indulgent laugh, then sighed dramatically. "Well, I suppose it is rather cruel to force you to abstain so soon. Go ahead and check it, I won't mind."
"You're sure?" He said, hand already instinctively moving a few inches toward the pocket.
She leaned halfway across the table and shook her head and shoulders playfully, as if nuzzling. "Would you prefer I change my mind?"
He tore his eyes from below her chin. "Uh, okay, sure. When you put it like that..." The phone came out, glowed, went back in. "It's Pierce, my friend. Asking how the movie was."
Still from over the table: "Is that so?"
"And how the date's going."
She beamed at him. "And how is it?"
His eyes had to shift again. "Huh?"
"The date. How's it going?"
"G-great." He started for another stalling bite. Could you, uh, sit back again, please?"
"Hm?" She blinked, as if just becoming aware of herself. "Oh, of course." She beamed again and slowly sat back. "Good friend of yours?"
"I guess so," He said, surprised at the interest. "We've known each other since elementary."
"Is he a rock musician, too?"
Flash laughed. "No! Dude is completely tone-deaf, and a classical buff besides. Nah, we bond over sports and video games."
"Vidya games?"
"Yeah! He's more into RTSes and has this totally weird fixation on Tetris – seriously, never mention it around him unless you want a half-hour essay. But we mesh when it comes to fighting games. Both of us suck at 'em, though."
"I'd like you to show me sometime."
"What?"
"Show me these games. I'd like to see."
He gawked at her, as though she were some space-alien. Or maybe Eve. "For real?"
"Totally."
"Y-yeah, sure! I mean, since you're intersted, and all."
"You're surprised?"
"Well, a little. I mean, most girls think 'video games' and turn the other way."
"So... You're saying that I shouldn't be interested in these games with you?"
"No! I mean, yes? I mean... I mean, I think it's totally cool that you're interested."
She chuckled as if she'd won a small victory.
"You're teasing me."
"I'm a girl," she retorted. "I will always tease you. But..." She leaned forward a little and twisted her shoulders just so. "...I am also interested. It's our next date."
"C—cool." He took another bite for safety, even if the spices only made him sweat more.
"You, ah, got the bill, right?"
He looked at her abruptly. "Huh?"
"Isn't that the deal? The man pays?"
"Uh, yeah..." He sweated some more. He looked around anxiously and suddenly became aware that they were the only two diners left in the restaurant. "Why do you ask all of a—"
She huffed, visibly agitated. "I have a ten-page geology paper due tomorrow, I completely forgot." She flashed an apologetic smile. "Sorry to cut things short, but I have to run. But we have our next date, right?"
"Y—yeah, I guess—"
"Thanks, you're the best!" She mimed a kiss at him. "I'll text you later, okay? Thanks for the night out. I had a really good time."
She was gone with a wave.
"Right..."
After a few more bites, Flash realized that he'd also have to pay for a taxi back home.
His phone buzzed, and out it came. Pierce again.
Yo buddy ur quiet. Hows it going? Gonna score or something?
Flash sighed, unsure himself of what had just happened.
I'll tell you when i know
Overall, really fun! The dialogue was snappy and appropriately paced. I find myself bogging down in dialogue more often than not, so I admire your ability to keep it dialed in. I felt a little thrown by the switch in Sunset's tone from teasing to impatient, though. That plus the "all of a sudden he realized they were the only people left in the restaurant" line leads me to believe they just lost track of time, but a little reinforcement of what exactly you meant by that could go a long way.
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for sharing!
Peering into the hot shimmer is a good way to blind yourself for a while. Oddly realistic. Unsure what this means for story. Set early, with early Sunset, yes?
It's a date!
Light seems to have it right, with cues early on suggesting that this is Flash and Sunset, maybe on their first date. Sunset seems a bit less campy and a bit more more competent than we see in EQG, but still clearly in character (manipulative, etc., etc.).
As a story, it... doesn't really have any? It feels like it belongs as part of a longer narrative... They shoot the breeze over a dinner, which abruptly ends.
Had a fridge moment. As Sunset said she only dated Flash to become more popular, and dates serve the social function of being seen together, maybe that's exactly why she cut it off then: there was no one else to watch them. If so, she is one cold ponegirl.
The banter seemed to flow well, if a bit lopsided (Sunset is assuming direct control?), with plenty of little innuendo and obviously deliberate body language on her part.
The bit with Pierce doesn't really tie in, but somehow makes it still feel a bit grounded?
Too much thinking about this one. I blame the sexy Sunset.
Light seems to have it right, with cues early on suggesting that this is Flash and Sunset, maybe on their first date. Sunset seems a bit less campy and a bit more more competent than we see in EQG, but still clearly in character (manipulative, etc., etc.).
As a story, it... doesn't really have any? It feels like it belongs as part of a longer narrative... They shoot the breeze over a dinner, which abruptly ends.
Had a fridge moment. As Sunset said she only dated Flash to become more popular, and dates serve the social function of being seen together, maybe that's exactly why she cut it off then: there was no one else to watch them. If so, she is one cold ponegirl.
The banter seemed to flow well, if a bit lopsided (Sunset is assuming direct control?), with plenty of little innuendo and obviously deliberate body language on her part.
The bit with Pierce doesn't really tie in, but somehow makes it still feel a bit grounded?
Too much thinking about this one. I blame the sexy Sunset.
Genre: Soufriere
Thoughts: The Canterville Burrito Barn is strong with this one. Author, either I know exactly what you're referencing and I appreciate the connection on that level, or you've stumbled into a rich history that's well worth diving into. Your move.
Speaking of things I appreciate, I confess that I have a weakness for pre-reformation Sunset, and the one we get here is a wicked tease. What I mean is that it's interesting to see her stranger-in-a-strange-land aspects explored in light of the fact that she obviously managed to survive and thrive in both an alien world and body. Seeing her wreak havoc on Flash's attraction here doesn't just come across to me as fantasy wish fulfillment; it's part survival mechanism, and part seeing Sunset push her (considerable) limits.
As I say that, though, I fully admit that I could be biased in approaching this, and I might well be reading something into this that isn't meant to be there. Maybe all we're supposed to take from this is "sexy Sunset gets a free burrito" (which probably isn't a Soufriere fic, but which could be). For what it's worth, it works quite well on that level as well. This has solid pacing, clean spelling/grammar, and effective use of imagery & emotion. Yes, Sunset's teasing is over-the-top, and Flash's clinging-to-a-life-preserver response is a bit OTT as well. It's got a definite fantasy wish fulfillment aspect. It executes that pretty darn well, though.
But that's putting aside the other, deeper aspects that I think are going on here. Perhaps the story's greatest shortcoming is that Sunset pulls back suddenly and the fic kinda screeches to a halt. But that even makes sense within the realm of her teasing/survival/dominance mode. She knows she's set the hook with Flash, and there's no reason not to call the free meal a win and hit the road.
Remember, Sunset/Flash was not supposed to be a healthy ship. Doesn't mean you didn't capture it well.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: The Canterville Burrito Barn is strong with this one. Author, either I know exactly what you're referencing and I appreciate the connection on that level, or you've stumbled into a rich history that's well worth diving into. Your move.
Speaking of things I appreciate, I confess that I have a weakness for pre-reformation Sunset, and the one we get here is a wicked tease. What I mean is that it's interesting to see her stranger-in-a-strange-land aspects explored in light of the fact that she obviously managed to survive and thrive in both an alien world and body. Seeing her wreak havoc on Flash's attraction here doesn't just come across to me as fantasy wish fulfillment; it's part survival mechanism, and part seeing Sunset push her (considerable) limits.
As I say that, though, I fully admit that I could be biased in approaching this, and I might well be reading something into this that isn't meant to be there. Maybe all we're supposed to take from this is "sexy Sunset gets a free burrito" (which probably isn't a Soufriere fic, but which could be). For what it's worth, it works quite well on that level as well. This has solid pacing, clean spelling/grammar, and effective use of imagery & emotion. Yes, Sunset's teasing is over-the-top, and Flash's clinging-to-a-life-preserver response is a bit OTT as well. It's got a definite fantasy wish fulfillment aspect. It executes that pretty darn well, though.
But that's putting aside the other, deeper aspects that I think are going on here. Perhaps the story's greatest shortcoming is that Sunset pulls back suddenly and the fic kinda screeches to a halt. But that even makes sense within the realm of her teasing/survival/dominance mode. She knows she's set the hook with Flash, and there's no reason not to call the free meal a win and hit the road.
Remember, Sunset/Flash was not supposed to be a healthy ship. Doesn't mean you didn't capture it well.
Tier: Top Contender
>>CoffeeMinion
You seem to have gotten everything I intended and dreaded about this one, so have a slice of cake!
This was definitely Sunset in early survival mode, first in her working to establish dominance in the social situation, but also digging for any and all information she can use. In just about every sense, she is exploiting Flash, and he has nary a clue. That Sunset has learned about and to weaponize so many of these extremely nuanced (or at least socially complicated) behaviors speaks to both her intelligence and ruthlessness. Sunset Shimmer is the most dangerous adversary the students ever encountered. She is cunning, ruthless, and will not hesitate to exploit every single one of you.
Flash is definitely a weak point here, and the "wish fulfillment" angle is a valid concern, but as you pointed out this is not at all a healthy relationship. His guiding motivation here amounts to little more than Don't mess this up, don't mess this up, don't mess this up.
The ending is so abrupt for two reasons. In-narrative, as I said (with my "fridge moment", which led me to write this), the purpose of the date was completed, and she hadn't yet mastered closing out the evening gracefully. In reality, it was abrupt because I ran out of time and things for them to talk about.
Finally, as I said in my own comment, this scene really belongs in something longer, to give a narrative purpose. As it stands, on the surface it is just about Sunset getting a free dinner-and-a-movie. Stories are hard.
Coffee, how can you nail soaccurately what I was on about with the story, yet leave me with no idea what you mean by 'Burrito Barn' reference or how Soufriere applies! (...it's a Caribbean town?)
You seem to have gotten everything I intended and dreaded about this one, so have a slice of cake!
This was definitely Sunset in early survival mode, first in her working to establish dominance in the social situation, but also digging for any and all information she can use. In just about every sense, she is exploiting Flash, and he has nary a clue. That Sunset has learned about and to weaponize so many of these extremely nuanced (or at least socially complicated) behaviors speaks to both her intelligence and ruthlessness. Sunset Shimmer is the most dangerous adversary the students ever encountered. She is cunning, ruthless, and will not hesitate to exploit every single one of you.
Flash is definitely a weak point here, and the "wish fulfillment" angle is a valid concern, but as you pointed out this is not at all a healthy relationship. His guiding motivation here amounts to little more than Don't mess this up, don't mess this up, don't mess this up.
The ending is so abrupt for two reasons. In-narrative, as I said (with my "fridge moment", which led me to write this), the purpose of the date was completed, and she hadn't yet mastered closing out the evening gracefully. In reality, it was abrupt because I ran out of time and things for them to talk about.
Finally, as I said in my own comment, this scene really belongs in something longer, to give a narrative purpose. As it stands, on the surface it is just about Sunset getting a free dinner-and-a-movie. Stories are hard.
Coffee, how can you nail soaccurately what I was on about with the story, yet leave me with no idea what you mean by 'Burrito Barn' reference or how Soufriere applies! (...it's a Caribbean town?)