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The Comedy of Macbeth, King of Scotland
SCENE I. A blasted heath.
Three witches mutter amongst themselves as they dip a sheet of painted acetate into a roiling cauldron. Enter HECATE, Goddess of Magic. The witches suddenly drop to their knees.
HECATE:
Ho secret, black and midnight hags!
You'd better pack your travel bags
And hie yourselves off to Japan,
Ere you become amphibian.
You've got me rather more annoyed
Than Moses with a hemorrhoid!
Duncan lives, Macbeths as well,
With only Banquo dropt to hell.
No fighting scenes or wild alarums,
No tragedy and potent charms,
My plans are buggered up a treat!
How did you manage such a feat?
FIRST WITCH
Hecate, we implore your peace
We had some woes that would not cease.
Graymalkin clawed the sofa, then…
SECOND WITCH
Paddock piddled in the den,
While we untwiddled all their tails...
THIRD WITCH
Our destined spells ran off their rails....
SCENE II. Macbeth’s castle, in the past.
LADY MACBETH
Why do you pause, my lord? We are agreed
That Duncan’s death advances you to King,
As the Weird Sisters spoke in prophecy.
Now Duncan is our fated guest, and I
Have drugged his guards and chamberlains that you
Might have at last your chance. Why hold your hand?
Are you too full of milky human kindness?
MACBETH
Is this a dagger which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand? No, I declare
It is a blade for spreading butter, with
A mooing cow engrav'd upon the handle.
Hast nothing sharper?
LADY MACBETH
Why, I thought we did
But kitchen cutlery is in th’wash.
Come now, you are a doughty man of war,
Disdaining fortune with his brands of steel,
Do not you have another blade to spare?
MACBETH
My lady, you have no idea how
A blade gets scarred and sawtoothed battle-wise,
And I must say in sooth that I have sent
My finest weapons off to be reground
The better to strike true and let his blood—
LADY MACBETH
Oh fie, we are too late, our plan’s undone!
The chamberlains awaken, and our guest
Arises too; ah, Duncan now comes near!
He has our plot divined, and now we two
Shall hang for treason!
Enter DUNCAN
DUNCAN
Ah, you’re still awake!
I see my grooms had passéd out, for that
They tarried overlong with the fine wine
That fitted well your hospitality.
But since we three are up, why shall we not
Speak and better come to know each other?
I see you have a butter knife, fetch cheese
And wine to lubricate our fair discourse!
MACBETH
We go at once, my liege, the cheese to fetch!
[aside]
It’s clear he does not yet our plot divine,
So let us come forth with the cheese and wine,
Since we are thrust upon it. Humor him,
Abandoning our enterprise so grim
To seek a peaceful path to the succession...
LADY MACBETH
So well, my lord, but watch still your expression.
You must not show the blood beneath your brow,
False face must hide what our false hearts do now.
Exit, with corkscrew and cheese slicer.
SCENE III. A blasted heath. Again.
HECATE and WEIRD SISTERS as before.
FIRST WITCH
All night long they spoke, and then,
Morrow, they, the best of friends
Declared that they would stay their hands
From Duncan’s heart, and guard his lands.
SECOND WITCH
And in due course of time it came
That stout Macbeth, the worthy Thane,
Achieved, without a fuss or sting,
The prophesy of being king!
THIRD WITCH
Nature’s course brought them all hence,
And gave success through innocence.
We're sorry that we've been so naughty
Please don't turn us to newts, Hecate!
HECATE
Revolting fools, you’ve robbéd me
Of fine and fruitsome tragedy!
I’ll need to turn the tale on track;
Do dance in dirt ‘til I get back.
HECATE waves her hands, turning the Weird Sisters into mudpuppies, then exits with a thoughtful frown.
SCENE IV. The Palace, present.
KING MACBETH and QUEEN MACBETH sit on their thrones; she is polishing an opera glass and he is playing mumblety-peg on one arm of the throne.
Enter DUNCAN, ex-king of Scotland, dripping and bespattered by a sudden rain squall. Enter also two dogs, SPOT, a terrier, and CANDLE, a dachshund, who dash about and assail DUNCAN with paws and wet noses.
QUEEN MACBETH
Out, damned Spot!
KING MACBETH
Out, out, brief Candle! Hail, Duncan!
Exeunt DOGS
DUNCAN
Hail King and Queen Macbeth! Forgive the mess,
So foul and fair a day I had not seen;
‘Til gusts and sudden squalls did overtake;
A pity that there is no art to find
The rain’s construction in the clouds.
How do?
KING MACBETH
Well! And how your sons, my lord?
DUNCAN
Malcom’s hied to Denmark, there to reign
Where none of royal family remain,
And thus perfect the pact we have with them
‘gainst Norway and their gallowglasses. Ho!
And Donalbain himself has made out well,
By tripping in a ring of Irish ‘shrooms,
He found himself within a summer’s dream,
Where Oberon and fair Titania fought
O’er some new trifle or another, and
Took use again of magic flower sap
Upon each other to rewake their love,
But Queen Titania’s eyes lit first upon
Dear Donalbain, and they shall soon be wed;
In short, the way was clear, and so the thing
To do was thus to set you up as King!
I’m sure that over Scotland you shall reign
Both wise and well, through plenty and through pain.
QUEEN MACBETH
Where shall you travel hence, my lord?
DUNCAN
Fair Queen,
I have a thought that I shall venture south,
With all my trains and lush appurtenances
And pay a visit to my aged friend,
The one who planted seed of the idea
That gave me, in its ripeness, to forgo
The cares of kingship on my time-torn frame
And fix the stately struggles on your youth
While you can rightly bear them. I shall go
And take a season down in Britain, where
I’ll spend my time with wise and aged Lear,
Whose counsel I have ever valued here.
KING MACBETH
As ye have planted, so I’ve prospered; all
Has been foretold in leaden traceries
The gilder’s art doth thence make manifest.
So sisters weird gave hint of future time—
Ah, but hark, the bell is striking plain!
Dost hear it, Duncan? There, it is the knell
That summons thee to Plymouth or Cornwell.
Thy carriage now is ready.
KING MACBETH stands, and shakes hands with DUNCAN. Exit DUNCAN to barking DOGS
QUEEN MACBETH
Th’ hall is murky.
Cleaners, see you to’t. Who’d have thought
the old man to have so much mud on him?
The GHOST OF BANQUO enters and sits on the throne. MACBETH unseeing attempts to take his seat, whereupon he contacts BANQUO’s codpiece and leaps afright and upright.
KING MACBETH
Ho now, what horrid spectre this that sits
Unbidden on the throne, and gives to me
A sudden prickling at the rearward gates?
GHOST OF BANQUO
Mind not, old friend, for as thou wert emblessed
To have thy fortune in thy present life,
I thought it meet that I might take a seat
Upon that throne that I in life did serve,
But had no hope to ever occupy.
QUEEN MACBETH
Ha, husband! Did you have a fit again,
Or do you seek to start a pantomime
With some daft playmate of the mind
Which you recall from childhood?
KING MACBETH
Dear wife,
Thy tender eyes are spared the spectral sight
That which, if you beheld, you might well say
That all great Neptune’s seas could not suffice
To wash his linens clean. Do you recall
How Banquo came to meet his end, again?
GHOST OF BANQUO
I prithee, do not bring this up, old friend
T’was not a fitting way for man to pass;
From rapture in the burgeoned bliss of life
So sudden plucked, and sent to that fell field
Whence crows and vultures vie to take their pick—
QUEEN MACBETH
Ha, how could one forget dear Banquo’s end?
T’was bandied ‘bout the court for weeks, how he
Beheld a pretty flower; thought to pluck’t,
And present it to his lady fair, but then
A randy bull, out from his pasture ‘scaped,
And mad with passion, spied his spotted pants,
And took him for a cow, and leaped ‘pon him—
GHOST OF BANQUO
I prithee, beg your lady fair to stop,
For few enough I have of happy thoughts
That echo from my deeds in mortal realms.
Yet still, ‘fore I depart, I’d speak a word
With you on my son Fleance, who remains
Distrait at my sad passing, doubled over
Each time I view his semblance from my cloud
As I peer out from th’ eternal realms...
KING MACBETH
Indeed, since my dear lady and myself
Are not yet blessed with issue, so it seems
Quite meet that we should take for us a son
Whose progeny are sure to hold the line
And carry on our name to distant times,
When playwrights bold shall seize upon our tale
And recast all our triumphs and travails
To silly scenes and bellicose burlesques.
In short—do you consent, my dear?—Then aye,
Do summon Fleance, that we may adopt,
And set his purposed destiny to ours.
GHOST OF BANQUO
I thank thee, friend, and glad, I now depart.
The GHOST OF BANQUO sinks through the floor.
QUEEN MACBETH
Though I have given suckers their fair due,
Don’t yet despair for offspring, O my Lord
We both are clear of eye and smooth of brow,
Mayhap we can assay the course again
Once all the day’s concerns have been addressed
With fires banked and glasses topped with wine,
Then stick your courage to the screwing place,
And we’ll not fail.
KING MACBETH
Tomorrow.
QUEEN MACBETH
Tomorrow?
KING MACBETH
Tomorrow.
Enter FLEANCE, with MACDUFF, carrying a TREE.
As you requested, worthy King, we’ve come,
And brought a tree for you, to grace the court.
KING MACBETH
[approaches]
A hefty tree it is, whence does it come?
MACDUFF
From Birnham Wood we dug this sturdy oak,
And planted it in half a hogshead—What?
My liege, so very sudden you look pale.
KING MACBETH
[aside]
The prophesy is part fulfilled, that I
Shall never fall till Birnham Wood be come
To here at Castle Dunsinane! But still,
All yet may come to rights, for none
Of woman born may harm me—Kind MacDuff,
We do not know each other well, I find,
And I would sue to learn. Take it not ill,
But please do tell me more about your life
From the beginning, and no detail spare.
MACDUFF
Tell everything, my liege?
KING MACBETH
Lay on, MacDuff.
MACDUFF
My birthing was Caesarian, my liege—
[He leans upon the tree conversationally. It tips and lands on KING MACBETH. A black curtain falls.]
HECATE:
Little does it matter what we prate,
We pass through life upon a constant gait,
Launched in a small canoe, and come to land
Within a box convenient to hand.
You may begin with humbleness or pride,
Yet always look at life on the bright side.
However shines the morning of your sending,
‘Tis in a twilit zone you’ll have your ending
As Fates their strings unravel from their stores—
I thus have mine, and now you shall have yours.
Flourish. Exeunt.
Three witches mutter amongst themselves as they dip a sheet of painted acetate into a roiling cauldron. Enter HECATE, Goddess of Magic. The witches suddenly drop to their knees.
HECATE:
Ho secret, black and midnight hags!
You'd better pack your travel bags
And hie yourselves off to Japan,
Ere you become amphibian.
You've got me rather more annoyed
Than Moses with a hemorrhoid!
Duncan lives, Macbeths as well,
With only Banquo dropt to hell.
No fighting scenes or wild alarums,
No tragedy and potent charms,
My plans are buggered up a treat!
How did you manage such a feat?
FIRST WITCH
Hecate, we implore your peace
We had some woes that would not cease.
Graymalkin clawed the sofa, then…
SECOND WITCH
Paddock piddled in the den,
While we untwiddled all their tails...
THIRD WITCH
Our destined spells ran off their rails....
SCENE II. Macbeth’s castle, in the past.
LADY MACBETH
Why do you pause, my lord? We are agreed
That Duncan’s death advances you to King,
As the Weird Sisters spoke in prophecy.
Now Duncan is our fated guest, and I
Have drugged his guards and chamberlains that you
Might have at last your chance. Why hold your hand?
Are you too full of milky human kindness?
MACBETH
Is this a dagger which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand? No, I declare
It is a blade for spreading butter, with
A mooing cow engrav'd upon the handle.
Hast nothing sharper?
LADY MACBETH
Why, I thought we did
But kitchen cutlery is in th’wash.
Come now, you are a doughty man of war,
Disdaining fortune with his brands of steel,
Do not you have another blade to spare?
MACBETH
My lady, you have no idea how
A blade gets scarred and sawtoothed battle-wise,
And I must say in sooth that I have sent
My finest weapons off to be reground
The better to strike true and let his blood—
LADY MACBETH
Oh fie, we are too late, our plan’s undone!
The chamberlains awaken, and our guest
Arises too; ah, Duncan now comes near!
He has our plot divined, and now we two
Shall hang for treason!
Enter DUNCAN
DUNCAN
Ah, you’re still awake!
I see my grooms had passéd out, for that
They tarried overlong with the fine wine
That fitted well your hospitality.
But since we three are up, why shall we not
Speak and better come to know each other?
I see you have a butter knife, fetch cheese
And wine to lubricate our fair discourse!
MACBETH
We go at once, my liege, the cheese to fetch!
[aside]
It’s clear he does not yet our plot divine,
So let us come forth with the cheese and wine,
Since we are thrust upon it. Humor him,
Abandoning our enterprise so grim
To seek a peaceful path to the succession...
LADY MACBETH
So well, my lord, but watch still your expression.
You must not show the blood beneath your brow,
False face must hide what our false hearts do now.
Exit, with corkscrew and cheese slicer.
SCENE III. A blasted heath. Again.
HECATE and WEIRD SISTERS as before.
FIRST WITCH
All night long they spoke, and then,
Morrow, they, the best of friends
Declared that they would stay their hands
From Duncan’s heart, and guard his lands.
SECOND WITCH
And in due course of time it came
That stout Macbeth, the worthy Thane,
Achieved, without a fuss or sting,
The prophesy of being king!
THIRD WITCH
Nature’s course brought them all hence,
And gave success through innocence.
We're sorry that we've been so naughty
Please don't turn us to newts, Hecate!
HECATE
Revolting fools, you’ve robbéd me
Of fine and fruitsome tragedy!
I’ll need to turn the tale on track;
Do dance in dirt ‘til I get back.
HECATE waves her hands, turning the Weird Sisters into mudpuppies, then exits with a thoughtful frown.
SCENE IV. The Palace, present.
KING MACBETH and QUEEN MACBETH sit on their thrones; she is polishing an opera glass and he is playing mumblety-peg on one arm of the throne.
Enter DUNCAN, ex-king of Scotland, dripping and bespattered by a sudden rain squall. Enter also two dogs, SPOT, a terrier, and CANDLE, a dachshund, who dash about and assail DUNCAN with paws and wet noses.
QUEEN MACBETH
Out, damned Spot!
KING MACBETH
Out, out, brief Candle! Hail, Duncan!
Exeunt DOGS
DUNCAN
Hail King and Queen Macbeth! Forgive the mess,
So foul and fair a day I had not seen;
‘Til gusts and sudden squalls did overtake;
A pity that there is no art to find
The rain’s construction in the clouds.
How do?
KING MACBETH
Well! And how your sons, my lord?
DUNCAN
Malcom’s hied to Denmark, there to reign
Where none of royal family remain,
And thus perfect the pact we have with them
‘gainst Norway and their gallowglasses. Ho!
And Donalbain himself has made out well,
By tripping in a ring of Irish ‘shrooms,
He found himself within a summer’s dream,
Where Oberon and fair Titania fought
O’er some new trifle or another, and
Took use again of magic flower sap
Upon each other to rewake their love,
But Queen Titania’s eyes lit first upon
Dear Donalbain, and they shall soon be wed;
In short, the way was clear, and so the thing
To do was thus to set you up as King!
I’m sure that over Scotland you shall reign
Both wise and well, through plenty and through pain.
QUEEN MACBETH
Where shall you travel hence, my lord?
DUNCAN
Fair Queen,
I have a thought that I shall venture south,
With all my trains and lush appurtenances
And pay a visit to my aged friend,
The one who planted seed of the idea
That gave me, in its ripeness, to forgo
The cares of kingship on my time-torn frame
And fix the stately struggles on your youth
While you can rightly bear them. I shall go
And take a season down in Britain, where
I’ll spend my time with wise and aged Lear,
Whose counsel I have ever valued here.
KING MACBETH
As ye have planted, so I’ve prospered; all
Has been foretold in leaden traceries
The gilder’s art doth thence make manifest.
So sisters weird gave hint of future time—
Ah, but hark, the bell is striking plain!
Dost hear it, Duncan? There, it is the knell
That summons thee to Plymouth or Cornwell.
Thy carriage now is ready.
KING MACBETH stands, and shakes hands with DUNCAN. Exit DUNCAN to barking DOGS
QUEEN MACBETH
Th’ hall is murky.
Cleaners, see you to’t. Who’d have thought
the old man to have so much mud on him?
The GHOST OF BANQUO enters and sits on the throne. MACBETH unseeing attempts to take his seat, whereupon he contacts BANQUO’s codpiece and leaps afright and upright.
KING MACBETH
Ho now, what horrid spectre this that sits
Unbidden on the throne, and gives to me
A sudden prickling at the rearward gates?
GHOST OF BANQUO
Mind not, old friend, for as thou wert emblessed
To have thy fortune in thy present life,
I thought it meet that I might take a seat
Upon that throne that I in life did serve,
But had no hope to ever occupy.
QUEEN MACBETH
Ha, husband! Did you have a fit again,
Or do you seek to start a pantomime
With some daft playmate of the mind
Which you recall from childhood?
KING MACBETH
Dear wife,
Thy tender eyes are spared the spectral sight
That which, if you beheld, you might well say
That all great Neptune’s seas could not suffice
To wash his linens clean. Do you recall
How Banquo came to meet his end, again?
GHOST OF BANQUO
I prithee, do not bring this up, old friend
T’was not a fitting way for man to pass;
From rapture in the burgeoned bliss of life
So sudden plucked, and sent to that fell field
Whence crows and vultures vie to take their pick—
QUEEN MACBETH
Ha, how could one forget dear Banquo’s end?
T’was bandied ‘bout the court for weeks, how he
Beheld a pretty flower; thought to pluck’t,
And present it to his lady fair, but then
A randy bull, out from his pasture ‘scaped,
And mad with passion, spied his spotted pants,
And took him for a cow, and leaped ‘pon him—
GHOST OF BANQUO
I prithee, beg your lady fair to stop,
For few enough I have of happy thoughts
That echo from my deeds in mortal realms.
Yet still, ‘fore I depart, I’d speak a word
With you on my son Fleance, who remains
Distrait at my sad passing, doubled over
Each time I view his semblance from my cloud
As I peer out from th’ eternal realms...
KING MACBETH
Indeed, since my dear lady and myself
Are not yet blessed with issue, so it seems
Quite meet that we should take for us a son
Whose progeny are sure to hold the line
And carry on our name to distant times,
When playwrights bold shall seize upon our tale
And recast all our triumphs and travails
To silly scenes and bellicose burlesques.
In short—do you consent, my dear?—Then aye,
Do summon Fleance, that we may adopt,
And set his purposed destiny to ours.
GHOST OF BANQUO
I thank thee, friend, and glad, I now depart.
The GHOST OF BANQUO sinks through the floor.
QUEEN MACBETH
Though I have given suckers their fair due,
Don’t yet despair for offspring, O my Lord
We both are clear of eye and smooth of brow,
Mayhap we can assay the course again
Once all the day’s concerns have been addressed
With fires banked and glasses topped with wine,
Then stick your courage to the screwing place,
And we’ll not fail.
KING MACBETH
Tomorrow.
QUEEN MACBETH
Tomorrow?
KING MACBETH
Tomorrow.
Enter FLEANCE, with MACDUFF, carrying a TREE.
As you requested, worthy King, we’ve come,
And brought a tree for you, to grace the court.
KING MACBETH
[approaches]
A hefty tree it is, whence does it come?
MACDUFF
From Birnham Wood we dug this sturdy oak,
And planted it in half a hogshead—What?
My liege, so very sudden you look pale.
KING MACBETH
[aside]
The prophesy is part fulfilled, that I
Shall never fall till Birnham Wood be come
To here at Castle Dunsinane! But still,
All yet may come to rights, for none
Of woman born may harm me—Kind MacDuff,
We do not know each other well, I find,
And I would sue to learn. Take it not ill,
But please do tell me more about your life
From the beginning, and no detail spare.
MACDUFF
Tell everything, my liege?
KING MACBETH
Lay on, MacDuff.
MACDUFF
My birthing was Caesarian, my liege—
[He leans upon the tree conversationally. It tips and lands on KING MACBETH. A black curtain falls.]
HECATE:
Little does it matter what we prate,
We pass through life upon a constant gait,
Launched in a small canoe, and come to land
Within a box convenient to hand.
You may begin with humbleness or pride,
Yet always look at life on the bright side.
However shines the morning of your sending,
‘Tis in a twilit zone you’ll have your ending
As Fates their strings unravel from their stores—
I thus have mine, and now you shall have yours.
Flourish. Exeunt.
Genre: “It goèth down, I yellèth ‘Timber!’”
Thoughts: There’s a little of everything in this, which I appreciate. We get references galore to Macbeth itself, as well as other works by the Bard. The way that the scenes cut back and forth is almost reminiscent of TV, which definitely works in the written medium, though it could make this harder to stage if one was so inclined. The witches add structure to the silliness by providing an expository scaffolding around the core comedy bits with Lord & Lady Macbeth. And by the way, it’s genuinely funny—especially in Banquo’s bits, and “Exit, with corkscrew and cheese slicer.” Good flourish!
If I could complain, I would do so about Hecate’s disappearance after her declaration that she’s going to get things back on track, and her reappearance for the ending soliloquy. This IMO renders the witches (and Hecate) as more of a narrative aside than movers of the plot, whereas their dialogue suggests they’re meant to be more of the latter. There’s a commensurate lull when Duncan appears with the dogs, which is regrettable, because the referential jokes there are quite good; but the problem is that we don’t see rising action there, contrary to what Hecate suggests we should expect.
Still, though: A play! A very palpable play! That’s a fine thing indeed in Bard fanfiction, and much appreciated.
Tier: Hamlet
Thoughts: There’s a little of everything in this, which I appreciate. We get references galore to Macbeth itself, as well as other works by the Bard. The way that the scenes cut back and forth is almost reminiscent of TV, which definitely works in the written medium, though it could make this harder to stage if one was so inclined. The witches add structure to the silliness by providing an expository scaffolding around the core comedy bits with Lord & Lady Macbeth. And by the way, it’s genuinely funny—especially in Banquo’s bits, and “Exit, with corkscrew and cheese slicer.” Good flourish!
If I could complain, I would do so about Hecate’s disappearance after her declaration that she’s going to get things back on track, and her reappearance for the ending soliloquy. This IMO renders the witches (and Hecate) as more of a narrative aside than movers of the plot, whereas their dialogue suggests they’re meant to be more of the latter. There’s a commensurate lull when Duncan appears with the dogs, which is regrettable, because the referential jokes there are quite good; but the problem is that we don’t see rising action there, contrary to what Hecate suggests we should expect.
Still, though: A play! A very palpable play! That’s a fine thing indeed in Bard fanfiction, and much appreciated.
Tier: Hamlet
Even though this is a Shakespeare round, I'd never imagined that we would get a full-blown play to grace our presence. Not that I'm complaining, it's extremely refreshing to see something like this show up in lieu of the usual short story affair. It being a riveting read just makes it all the better for me.
I really like how intricate yet how accessible all this is. As far as parodies go, this is certainly a piece that you can enjoy whether you're familiar with Shakespeare or not. The language and references aren't as intimidating as they seem on the surface, nothing a few Google searches can't handle. The humour, particularly towards the latter half, is as Much Ado About Nothing as they come. If that's not copious praise, I don't know what is.
All in all, remarkable work here, Author! Wouldn't mind seeing where you might go with this one!
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
I really like how intricate yet how accessible all this is. As far as parodies go, this is certainly a piece that you can enjoy whether you're familiar with Shakespeare or not. The language and references aren't as intimidating as they seem on the surface, nothing a few Google searches can't handle. The humour, particularly towards the latter half, is as Much Ado About Nothing as they come. If that's not copious praise, I don't know what is.
All in all, remarkable work here, Author! Wouldn't mind seeing where you might go with this one!
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
To whitewash such a play would take some suds,
But yet, as they do say, blood shall have blood.
But yet, as they do say, blood shall have blood.