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Decades
Had there not been a hand tugging on my sleeve, guiding me up those stairs, I would've surely fallen off the side. I couldn't see anything when I entered the room—nobody in a position like mine could.
The guards had pulled a black cloth over my head, with only tiny holes punched in with knives to allow me some air. They tied a rope around my neck, just tightly enough, and connected it to the cuffs which kept my hands firmly stuck to my back. If I struggled with the cuffs, I choked myself.
I knew I wasn't the only one.
The room they took us into must've been big, almost vast, like the inside of a cathedral, because the captain's voice carried an echo when he spoke. "Now," he said when he had all of us gathered on the platform, "the current time is five minutes to eight. When the clock strikes eight—and we'll know when it does—we'll start the process." He sounded like he was reading off of a script, so palpable was his sense of dispassion. "For six hours, between eight o'clock and two in the afternoon, you'll be staying here. Assuming you're still alive when the clock strikes two, you'll be free to go. No more solitary, no more prison time of any kind being mandated. You'll be free to go as soon as you're able. If you're still alive."
A guy next to me tried to say something, but it was hard to make out his words. He must've been covered up like me.
Then I felt the coarse texture of a rope being wrapped around my neck, pressing up against my jaw in a way that made me immediately uncomfortable. And to think, I was supposed to suffer through it for six hours. Someone who probably wasn't me—for now I'm not entirely sure if I remember making sounds or not—whimpered, like a dog, but he didn't seem to be crying at least.
"Gentlemen," the captain continued, "I don't have much more to say to you, except that if you die within the next six hours, your death will be ruled an execution by hanging. It will be as if the prison saw to the conclusion of your death row sentence. Now, if you'll excuse me..."
I heard footsteps, and then a heavy metallic door closed shut.
I could only see thin rays of light coming from the ceiling, and occasionally I thought I caught a glimpse of a guard's figure pacing back and forth. I didn't know how many men were on the platform with me, and I still don't.
Standing upright for six hours was not the hard part. After all, most of us were used to working on our feet through the morning and much of the afternoon. Either that, or we were stuck walking about like zombies in our cells, cushioned to make sure we didn't injure ourselves.
No...
I realized soon enough that in spite of the chillness of the air, the extremely narrow space between my face and the sack over my head had begun to grow irritable with heat. Was I breathing too much? Too rapidly? I don't know. I don't know when I showed the first signs of panic, but my cheeks and forehead began to sweat, and I wondered if the plan was to make me collapse from dehydration, strangling myself with my own noose.
"Something—" I remember saying to myself. What did I want? I tried to move around, as little as I could, but as I'd said before, movement only tightens the rope which connected my neck to my cuffs, not even counting the noose.
Time moved strangely, as I'd had no concept of how many minutes were passing. No clock, no windows to be seen, no way of knowing when the hour of my release came. The other men with me didn't fair any better, but for a while it seemed like we were going to do fine.
Until... the trap door...
Something broke, or snapped, and someone must've had the door beneath his feet slide out, and he fell. He fell until he came to a sudden stop. Because a noose is not supposed to strangle—it's supposed to disconnect.
How many hours until the next body fell? How many necks snapped? How many would by the end?
When would it end?
I don't know.
I still don't know.
I can still feel the rope around my neck.
How long have I been—
The guards had pulled a black cloth over my head, with only tiny holes punched in with knives to allow me some air. They tied a rope around my neck, just tightly enough, and connected it to the cuffs which kept my hands firmly stuck to my back. If I struggled with the cuffs, I choked myself.
I knew I wasn't the only one.
The room they took us into must've been big, almost vast, like the inside of a cathedral, because the captain's voice carried an echo when he spoke. "Now," he said when he had all of us gathered on the platform, "the current time is five minutes to eight. When the clock strikes eight—and we'll know when it does—we'll start the process." He sounded like he was reading off of a script, so palpable was his sense of dispassion. "For six hours, between eight o'clock and two in the afternoon, you'll be staying here. Assuming you're still alive when the clock strikes two, you'll be free to go. No more solitary, no more prison time of any kind being mandated. You'll be free to go as soon as you're able. If you're still alive."
A guy next to me tried to say something, but it was hard to make out his words. He must've been covered up like me.
Then I felt the coarse texture of a rope being wrapped around my neck, pressing up against my jaw in a way that made me immediately uncomfortable. And to think, I was supposed to suffer through it for six hours. Someone who probably wasn't me—for now I'm not entirely sure if I remember making sounds or not—whimpered, like a dog, but he didn't seem to be crying at least.
"Gentlemen," the captain continued, "I don't have much more to say to you, except that if you die within the next six hours, your death will be ruled an execution by hanging. It will be as if the prison saw to the conclusion of your death row sentence. Now, if you'll excuse me..."
I heard footsteps, and then a heavy metallic door closed shut.
I could only see thin rays of light coming from the ceiling, and occasionally I thought I caught a glimpse of a guard's figure pacing back and forth. I didn't know how many men were on the platform with me, and I still don't.
Standing upright for six hours was not the hard part. After all, most of us were used to working on our feet through the morning and much of the afternoon. Either that, or we were stuck walking about like zombies in our cells, cushioned to make sure we didn't injure ourselves.
No...
I realized soon enough that in spite of the chillness of the air, the extremely narrow space between my face and the sack over my head had begun to grow irritable with heat. Was I breathing too much? Too rapidly? I don't know. I don't know when I showed the first signs of panic, but my cheeks and forehead began to sweat, and I wondered if the plan was to make me collapse from dehydration, strangling myself with my own noose.
"Something—" I remember saying to myself. What did I want? I tried to move around, as little as I could, but as I'd said before, movement only tightens the rope which connected my neck to my cuffs, not even counting the noose.
Time moved strangely, as I'd had no concept of how many minutes were passing. No clock, no windows to be seen, no way of knowing when the hour of my release came. The other men with me didn't fair any better, but for a while it seemed like we were going to do fine.
Until... the trap door...
Something broke, or snapped, and someone must've had the door beneath his feet slide out, and he fell. He fell until he came to a sudden stop. Because a noose is not supposed to strangle—it's supposed to disconnect.
How many hours until the next body fell? How many necks snapped? How many would by the end?
When would it end?
I don't know.
I still don't know.
I can still feel the rope around my neck.
How long have I been—
I really like the clear, visceral stakes that you set here, which immediately makes the reader wonder about the success/failure of the main character. It's a great motivation for the reader to keep reading to learn what happens.
Now, by the end of the story, I will have to admit that I'm left a bit unsatisfied. I think this has less to do with the actual ending and its ambiguity, and more to do with the fact that we never really learn the context or the specific rules of this game. Even not knowing if this is voluntary on the prisoner's part is kind of a big deal, because that'd completely change the dynamic of the risk that they're taking. It's also a bit odd that it's never quite clear what the prisoners have to do or fail at in order to die during this game. It definitely seems that there's something else at play other than the ability to stand still for six hours, but we never really learn what it is. Even knowing for sure that it's something as trivial as random chance would add a lot of meaning to the story.
I guess I'm just not sure what the point of this is. Both at the story-level, I don't know why this game is being conducted, and on the thematic level, I don't know what it's trying to say about the prisoners or the warden/guards. I might be missing something, so I'll be interested in seeing what other reviewers say. I really want to like this one, because of how visceral the stakes feel, but at the same time I also don't feel completely satisfied with what we get.
Thank you for writing!
Now, by the end of the story, I will have to admit that I'm left a bit unsatisfied. I think this has less to do with the actual ending and its ambiguity, and more to do with the fact that we never really learn the context or the specific rules of this game. Even not knowing if this is voluntary on the prisoner's part is kind of a big deal, because that'd completely change the dynamic of the risk that they're taking. It's also a bit odd that it's never quite clear what the prisoners have to do or fail at in order to die during this game. It definitely seems that there's something else at play other than the ability to stand still for six hours, but we never really learn what it is. Even knowing for sure that it's something as trivial as random chance would add a lot of meaning to the story.
I guess I'm just not sure what the point of this is. Both at the story-level, I don't know why this game is being conducted, and on the thematic level, I don't know what it's trying to say about the prisoners or the warden/guards. I might be missing something, so I'll be interested in seeing what other reviewers say. I really want to like this one, because of how visceral the stakes feel, but at the same time I also don't feel completely satisfied with what we get.
Thank you for writing!
Someone has a bone to pick with capital punishment.
Something I liked:
As an exercise in describing action, I think this entry does the trick. It puts the protagonist, who is realized in really vague terms, in what equates to a lab test with parameters that are almost as vague. But the actions themselves are quite vividly realized, especially in the second half when the main character starts to give in to pressure and maybe succumbs to the elements, or maybe just bad luck. The stakes are established early on and are made easy to follow, with this being a simple game of life and death. The fact that the torture/execution session is treated like a game is a little disquieting, though. There's a sense of pure darkness here that doesn't rear its head in other entries, and it fits that niche well enough.
Something I didn't like:
As much as I like the second half, though, I do feel like the first half runs too long in comparison to what comes afterward. A lot of words are spent on the captain explaining what's going to happen and how the prisoners will be rewarded, and not only does this exposition dump go on for too long, but it still leaves a few important questions left unanswered. For instance, we never learn what causes any of the prisoners to die. Presumably something causes the trap door to open, maybe at random, but we're never given an explicit explanation for this, and surely even the blind prisoners would be given a better idea in-story as to how they'd be able to prevent themselves from falling to their deaths. Also, while I do suspect that this is meant to be commentary on capital punishment and the prison system in general, this thematic material is never made clear in the writing itself.
Verdict: Not bad. The pacing needs to be tweaked a good deal, though.
Something I liked:
As an exercise in describing action, I think this entry does the trick. It puts the protagonist, who is realized in really vague terms, in what equates to a lab test with parameters that are almost as vague. But the actions themselves are quite vividly realized, especially in the second half when the main character starts to give in to pressure and maybe succumbs to the elements, or maybe just bad luck. The stakes are established early on and are made easy to follow, with this being a simple game of life and death. The fact that the torture/execution session is treated like a game is a little disquieting, though. There's a sense of pure darkness here that doesn't rear its head in other entries, and it fits that niche well enough.
Something I didn't like:
As much as I like the second half, though, I do feel like the first half runs too long in comparison to what comes afterward. A lot of words are spent on the captain explaining what's going to happen and how the prisoners will be rewarded, and not only does this exposition dump go on for too long, but it still leaves a few important questions left unanswered. For instance, we never learn what causes any of the prisoners to die. Presumably something causes the trap door to open, maybe at random, but we're never given an explicit explanation for this, and surely even the blind prisoners would be given a better idea in-story as to how they'd be able to prevent themselves from falling to their deaths. Also, while I do suspect that this is meant to be commentary on capital punishment and the prison system in general, this thematic material is never made clear in the writing itself.
Verdict: Not bad. The pacing needs to be tweaked a good deal, though.
The English needs a bit of polishing. Mind your tenses and some glaring errors (“fair” instead of “fare”).
Now I must agree with the others. You leave us hanging at the end (haha), yet seem to suggest in the text that this scene a recollection. This effect is compounded by the use of the past tense—I would’ve used the present here, if only to suggest things happens as the narrator describes them.
The lack of context ruins the story a little: we guess that they’re supposed to stand still and muted, but why, and why would they be freed if they pass? With the story intentionally interrupted, these questions end up being more important for me than the narrator’s fate itself.
Now I must agree with the others. You leave us hanging at the end (haha), yet seem to suggest in the text that this scene a recollection. This effect is compounded by the use of the past tense—I would’ve used the present here, if only to suggest things happens as the narrator describes them.
The lack of context ruins the story a little: we guess that they’re supposed to stand still and muted, but why, and why would they be freed if they pass? With the story intentionally interrupted, these questions end up being more important for me than the narrator’s fate itself.
In which the protagonist does not get the hang of it.
I must first ask of you: Are you a doctor? Because, if my hunch is correct, then this is a subtle stroke of genius, starting with the title. Not everyone who gets hanged in history dies, but those who do survive seem to sustain some kind of damage, including brain damage. And then there's this thing called dyschronometria which is when a person cannot perceive time accurately. If this is right, then that means the protagonist has suffered dyschronometria and if this is indeed a sort of experiment and not a needlessly elaborate death sentence, the captain and his crew may be trying to figure out the effects of dyschronometria (if unethically).
However, the process/experience with the rope seems a bit too short. I am not sure if this is part of what you're going for with dyschronometria or not. Still, with lots of build-up in the beginning, it still feels a little disappointing to just have an unanswered ending, almost like this is merely a scene and not a mini story. If you cut down on the descriptions in the beginning, perhaps you may be able to have enough room for fleshing out the rope part of the story and build that out so more people would be invested in trying to figure out what exactly this process is by observing it.
Overall, it's a story with words and an experience to hang on to, though it's tough to tell whether it will make it into the medal zone or just be a strong middle-of-the-pack contender.
I must first ask of you: Are you a doctor? Because, if my hunch is correct, then this is a subtle stroke of genius, starting with the title. Not everyone who gets hanged in history dies, but those who do survive seem to sustain some kind of damage, including brain damage. And then there's this thing called dyschronometria which is when a person cannot perceive time accurately. If this is right, then that means the protagonist has suffered dyschronometria and if this is indeed a sort of experiment and not a needlessly elaborate death sentence, the captain and his crew may be trying to figure out the effects of dyschronometria (if unethically).
However, the process/experience with the rope seems a bit too short. I am not sure if this is part of what you're going for with dyschronometria or not. Still, with lots of build-up in the beginning, it still feels a little disappointing to just have an unanswered ending, almost like this is merely a scene and not a mini story. If you cut down on the descriptions in the beginning, perhaps you may be able to have enough room for fleshing out the rope part of the story and build that out so more people would be invested in trying to figure out what exactly this process is by observing it.
Overall, it's a story with words and an experience to hang on to, though it's tough to tell whether it will make it into the medal zone or just be a strong middle-of-the-pack contender.
There were quite a few entries starting with 'D.' Strange.
I don't know how to feel about this one. It's packed with emotional appeal and buildup, and I think the abrupt ending is a perfect way to finish, but beyond that I'm having trouble with it just because I don't know who these characters are or why they're facing this fate. The main character doesn't seem to show any remorse for his actions but I find it strange he doesn't have a 'life flashing before his eyes' experience, because I think this would be a good way to give us some more context as to who this is.
I don't know how to feel about this one. It's packed with emotional appeal and buildup, and I think the abrupt ending is a perfect way to finish, but beyond that I'm having trouble with it just because I don't know who these characters are or why they're facing this fate. The main character doesn't seem to show any remorse for his actions but I find it strange he doesn't have a 'life flashing before his eyes' experience, because I think this would be a good way to give us some more context as to who this is.
>>Bachiavellian
>>Monokeras
>>Comma Typer
>>TheRedParade
"Decades" was gonna be my only entry until I grew dissatisfied with it, and also got greedy. It's a good example of why changing the ending to your story midway through writing it is usually a bad idea. Originally I was gonna have our unlucky protagonist survive the torture session (as it was meant to be torture and not necessarily execution), and having sensory deprivation and paranoia scramble his brain at the end. I ended on a more ambiguous but equally morbid note because I ran out of words, but the different ending changes the rest of the story by extension, and that's about half of the big problem this entry has. The other half is the front-loaded exposition in relation to the second half. Ideally the fraction should've been more like 1/4, but I ran out of words and I didn't polish enough to drastically diminish the words used for the first half.
Comma gets a virtual cookie, though, because he ended up being pretty much right. Not because I was specifically demonstrating that condition, but because I wanted to have our main character go through sensory deprivation under such circumstances that he starts to experience time differently, although this was not the intent of the captain or the prison at large.
Thanks for the reading and feedback, I'mma head out now.
>>Monokeras
>>Comma Typer
>>TheRedParade
"Decades" was gonna be my only entry until I grew dissatisfied with it, and also got greedy. It's a good example of why changing the ending to your story midway through writing it is usually a bad idea. Originally I was gonna have our unlucky protagonist survive the torture session (as it was meant to be torture and not necessarily execution), and having sensory deprivation and paranoia scramble his brain at the end. I ended on a more ambiguous but equally morbid note because I ran out of words, but the different ending changes the rest of the story by extension, and that's about half of the big problem this entry has. The other half is the front-loaded exposition in relation to the second half. Ideally the fraction should've been more like 1/4, but I ran out of words and I didn't polish enough to drastically diminish the words used for the first half.
Comma gets a virtual cookie, though, because he ended up being pretty much right. Not because I was specifically demonstrating that condition, but because I wanted to have our main character go through sensory deprivation under such circumstances that he starts to experience time differently, although this was not the intent of the captain or the prison at large.
Thanks for the reading and feedback, I'mma head out now.