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Starlight Angel
Sophia checked her nails as she lay on her side, not bothering to cover herself up much.
"So," she said to Jamie, "I get the impression that you've got some experience under your belt."
Jamie lay on his back, in a position that in cliched romance novels would demand a post-coitus cigarette. "I've been around the block a few times," he said tiredly, glancing at her. "I didn't blow it, did I?"
"No. You're certainly not the worst lover I've had. Not by a long shot." Those words might have sounded more condescending in someone else's mouth, but Sophia knew perfectly well how to reassure her lovers. She did, after all, have a lot of practice.
It was nighttime, and the hour was very late. A familiar scenario. During their little affair, she took note of practically everything she could see in Jamie's bedroom, which in itself told her a dozen stories, each one subtly unique. Jamie was the kind of man who still kept those baseball cards he had collected in his childhood, not to mention quite sentimental items he'd had handed down from his father, himself a fan of collecting baseball cards, postage stamps, and the like.
It's almost like I've always been here, thought Sophia. She knew it wasn't true in actuality, as she had never been to this place before, but with every human's most private of places she found herself quickly adapting, even growing to love each one in a short amount of time.
Jamie took to lying on his side as well, resting his head on his forearm. "I can live with that," he said.
"Me too," said Sophia, perhaps too quietly.
A moment passed between them.
"What's that supposed to mean?" said Jamie.
"Oh, nothing." Indeed, it meant so little that may as well have been nothing.
Thoughts tumbled around inside Sophia's head, like clothes inside a washing machine. She wondered as to which she ought to grab first. He seems like a perfectly fine man. I've met a lot of humans who are far worse than him. Suppose I were to break my own rules and settle down with someone this very minute...
"I'll have to leave soon," she said eventually.
Looking disappointed, Jamie said, "As in tonight?"
She knew how he would react, but no matter. "Yes, I'm afraid so," she said with sympathy. "Don't worry, it's not your fault. I like to wake up in my own bed after one of these flings," almost spitting out that last word. She could feel the slightest pressure creeping back into her chest.
"Can I drive you home, then? I can do that much."
"No, you don't have to. I can take an Uber or something on my way back." It was a funny thing to say, if only inwardly, considering she had no money.
Once Sophia knew she had lost sight of her one-time lover, she turned off into the night, into the nearest forest she could find, where she felt fairly certain nobody would find her.
Sophia wore a shirt and a pair of jeans, although they didn't belong to her. She felt uncomfortable in them, almost on a subconscious level, how unnaturally they seemed to fit against her skin. Should get this over with quickly, she thought, as she did practically every time.
In a swift and robotic motion, she rid herself of her clothes before kneeling in the dirt. She dug her knees in and clasped her hands, as if about to utter a prayer, but instead she squeezed her palms against each other so as to prepare for what came next.
On her naked back, near her shoulder blades, the skin started to break open. No, it was more like tearing open, yet no blood came from these increasingly gaping wounds as feathers protruded from Sophia's back. She didn't scream, seeing as how she had experienced this so many times, but she let a pitiful moan of agony escape her lips, her heart racing as if in a fit of panic.
It took longer than she would've preferred, but large feathery wings sprouted from her being, and she knew she was ready to use them. Of course He knows I'm here, but I must go anyway. Better to give chase than to crawl back to Him, she thought with resigned melancholy.
Then, with an aching heart, one of God's fallen angels took flight, and within seconds transformed herself into the stuff that distant stars were made of.
"So," she said to Jamie, "I get the impression that you've got some experience under your belt."
Jamie lay on his back, in a position that in cliched romance novels would demand a post-coitus cigarette. "I've been around the block a few times," he said tiredly, glancing at her. "I didn't blow it, did I?"
"No. You're certainly not the worst lover I've had. Not by a long shot." Those words might have sounded more condescending in someone else's mouth, but Sophia knew perfectly well how to reassure her lovers. She did, after all, have a lot of practice.
It was nighttime, and the hour was very late. A familiar scenario. During their little affair, she took note of practically everything she could see in Jamie's bedroom, which in itself told her a dozen stories, each one subtly unique. Jamie was the kind of man who still kept those baseball cards he had collected in his childhood, not to mention quite sentimental items he'd had handed down from his father, himself a fan of collecting baseball cards, postage stamps, and the like.
It's almost like I've always been here, thought Sophia. She knew it wasn't true in actuality, as she had never been to this place before, but with every human's most private of places she found herself quickly adapting, even growing to love each one in a short amount of time.
Jamie took to lying on his side as well, resting his head on his forearm. "I can live with that," he said.
"Me too," said Sophia, perhaps too quietly.
A moment passed between them.
"What's that supposed to mean?" said Jamie.
"Oh, nothing." Indeed, it meant so little that may as well have been nothing.
Thoughts tumbled around inside Sophia's head, like clothes inside a washing machine. She wondered as to which she ought to grab first. He seems like a perfectly fine man. I've met a lot of humans who are far worse than him. Suppose I were to break my own rules and settle down with someone this very minute...
"I'll have to leave soon," she said eventually.
Looking disappointed, Jamie said, "As in tonight?"
She knew how he would react, but no matter. "Yes, I'm afraid so," she said with sympathy. "Don't worry, it's not your fault. I like to wake up in my own bed after one of these flings," almost spitting out that last word. She could feel the slightest pressure creeping back into her chest.
"Can I drive you home, then? I can do that much."
"No, you don't have to. I can take an Uber or something on my way back." It was a funny thing to say, if only inwardly, considering she had no money.
Once Sophia knew she had lost sight of her one-time lover, she turned off into the night, into the nearest forest she could find, where she felt fairly certain nobody would find her.
Sophia wore a shirt and a pair of jeans, although they didn't belong to her. She felt uncomfortable in them, almost on a subconscious level, how unnaturally they seemed to fit against her skin. Should get this over with quickly, she thought, as she did practically every time.
In a swift and robotic motion, she rid herself of her clothes before kneeling in the dirt. She dug her knees in and clasped her hands, as if about to utter a prayer, but instead she squeezed her palms against each other so as to prepare for what came next.
On her naked back, near her shoulder blades, the skin started to break open. No, it was more like tearing open, yet no blood came from these increasingly gaping wounds as feathers protruded from Sophia's back. She didn't scream, seeing as how she had experienced this so many times, but she let a pitiful moan of agony escape her lips, her heart racing as if in a fit of panic.
It took longer than she would've preferred, but large feathery wings sprouted from her being, and she knew she was ready to use them. Of course He knows I'm here, but I must go anyway. Better to give chase than to crawl back to Him, she thought with resigned melancholy.
Then, with an aching heart, one of God's fallen angels took flight, and within seconds transformed herself into the stuff that distant stars were made of.
I like the somber, emotional tone of this one. I also think it was the right decision not to give us all of the answers by the end of the story. Leaving us with questions is a great compliment to the lonely tone and the emotional ambiguity. Overall, this story really has a great gasp on its mood.
I think my biggest overall concern is that the two halves of this story don't seem to have much to do with each other to me. The general point about non-commitment in the first scene doesn't feel like it meshes with the ideas about pennance and escape that the second scene brings up. I'm not even quite sure why this fallen angel has one night stands with random humans at all.
So in the end, while I definitely liked the emotions you were going for, I don't quite feel like I'm walking away with a complete message. I know I complimented the piece's ambiguity earlier, but there's a difference between leaving Sophia's origin/fall up to the imagination and producing a clear thematic takeaway. This piece is still a whole lot of fun, but it's not fun that really means anything, yet. I'd love to see it go up to that next level.
Thanks for entering!
I think my biggest overall concern is that the two halves of this story don't seem to have much to do with each other to me. The general point about non-commitment in the first scene doesn't feel like it meshes with the ideas about pennance and escape that the second scene brings up. I'm not even quite sure why this fallen angel has one night stands with random humans at all.
So in the end, while I definitely liked the emotions you were going for, I don't quite feel like I'm walking away with a complete message. I know I complimented the piece's ambiguity earlier, but there's a difference between leaving Sophia's origin/fall up to the imagination and producing a clear thematic takeaway. This piece is still a whole lot of fun, but it's not fun that really means anything, yet. I'd love to see it go up to that next level.
Thanks for entering!
In which Jamie should be a Los Angeles Anaheim baseball fan.
Sophia is the star of the story so much of the story hinges on how she performs here, and she's performed okay. Considering who she really is, it gave me a nostalgic feeling towards things like Dan Brown books/movies and hyperfundamentalist literature I used to read. Beyond that, though, she plays the role of a fallen angel in the style of the Biblical Nephilim's parents well enough and checks of all the items such a role would have (like being on flings and not exactly promoting a morally good lifestyle).
The revelation of who she truly is, though, while very sensible, seems merely good enough. The whole story, really, is good as is, especially considering the descriptions and the world-building here especially during and after the revelation. However, it's lacking that oomph!, for lack of a better word, because I feel like this is a run-of-the-mill story that checks off all the items on the checklist but is otherwise rote and standard.
Overall, an average story, for good or bad. I won't be surprised to see it smack in the middle.
Sophia is the star of the story so much of the story hinges on how she performs here, and she's performed okay. Considering who she really is, it gave me a nostalgic feeling towards things like Dan Brown books/movies and hyperfundamentalist literature I used to read. Beyond that, though, she plays the role of a fallen angel in the style of the Biblical Nephilim's parents well enough and checks of all the items such a role would have (like being on flings and not exactly promoting a morally good lifestyle).
The revelation of who she truly is, though, while very sensible, seems merely good enough. The whole story, really, is good as is, especially considering the descriptions and the world-building here especially during and after the revelation. However, it's lacking that oomph!, for lack of a better word, because I feel like this is a run-of-the-mill story that checks off all the items on the checklist but is otherwise rote and standard.
Overall, an average story, for good or bad. I won't be surprised to see it smack in the middle.
All angels have wings. Even bad ones.
Something I liked:
I like stories that don't beat around the bush, and this one uses its word count fairly well. We immediately get a sense of who Sophia is, even if we don't know what she is yet. There's a tone and outlook established right away, and we're also treated to some rather evocative imagery, particularly in the second half. There's a bit of ambiguity in the stakes, as it seems more a matter of Sophia's pride than whether or not something happens to her, but it all funnels into a thoroughly melancholy, even fatalistic tone. The whole thing feels almost like a fable, although maybe too ambiguous, as I'm not sure what the connection to the prompt is supposed to be. Regardless, it's a mood piece that goes down easily.
Something I didn't like:
I don't think, however, that this entry will get brownie points for its twists and turns. Hard to explain why, but there's something missing about this entry that pushes it into "amazing" territory for me. It could be that there's a sudden shift between the scenes, and they don't exactly flow seamlessly together. It could be, on a more thematic level, that I'm not really sure what this story is supposed to be saying. It could be about pride, or the battle against loneliness from an unconventional POV, but we aren't given enough time to sink into Sophia's perspective and discover what we ought to be getting out of knowing her experience. There seems to be a hint at a thesis statement at the end, but it instead lends itself more to imagery, which was arguably a misfire.
Verdict: Robust and even slightly poetic, but misses a certain something to make it a top contender.
Something I liked:
I like stories that don't beat around the bush, and this one uses its word count fairly well. We immediately get a sense of who Sophia is, even if we don't know what she is yet. There's a tone and outlook established right away, and we're also treated to some rather evocative imagery, particularly in the second half. There's a bit of ambiguity in the stakes, as it seems more a matter of Sophia's pride than whether or not something happens to her, but it all funnels into a thoroughly melancholy, even fatalistic tone. The whole thing feels almost like a fable, although maybe too ambiguous, as I'm not sure what the connection to the prompt is supposed to be. Regardless, it's a mood piece that goes down easily.
Something I didn't like:
I don't think, however, that this entry will get brownie points for its twists and turns. Hard to explain why, but there's something missing about this entry that pushes it into "amazing" territory for me. It could be that there's a sudden shift between the scenes, and they don't exactly flow seamlessly together. It could be, on a more thematic level, that I'm not really sure what this story is supposed to be saying. It could be about pride, or the battle against loneliness from an unconventional POV, but we aren't given enough time to sink into Sophia's perspective and discover what we ought to be getting out of knowing her experience. There seems to be a hint at a thesis statement at the end, but it instead lends itself more to imagery, which was arguably a misfire.
Verdict: Robust and even slightly poetic, but misses a certain something to make it a top contender.
Definitely a raw, evocative piece that draws on quite a bit of emotion. The twist is pretty out of left field, but doesn't hurt my experience all that much. As a whole there's definitely a lot of world-building and lore setting going on, which is admirable given the word count, but there doesn't seem to be much connection between the first and second half of the story.
Still, I appreciate the emotional appeal and how raw the story feels, so well done on that front!
Still, I appreciate the emotional appeal and how raw the story feels, so well done on that front!
This is strange. Other have rightly pointed out that the two parts don’t feel connected. This disconnection is also felt in the way the character passes from what probably is a urban background (she mentions a Uber drive) to a forest, or whatever greenery. I was a bit thrown off when I read she was looking to find a forest to take shelter, really, as I was imagining the first scene somewhere in New York, for example.
I’m not sure what the point of the story is. I’m not even sensible to the "evocative" touch the others mention. I’m sorry to say, but it felt quite tasteless to me. Nothing really happens, nothing really changes, and the "twist" at the end doesn’t add anything to the rest of the story. Sorry, author, but this one left me totally unfazed
I’m not sure what the point of the story is. I’m not even sensible to the "evocative" touch the others mention. I’m sorry to say, but it felt quite tasteless to me. Nothing really happens, nothing really changes, and the "twist" at the end doesn’t add anything to the rest of the story. Sorry, author, but this one left me totally unfazed
>>Bachiavellian
>>Comma Typer
>>TheRedParade
>>Monokeras
For what it's worth, I don't know what I meant by this entry.
Thanks for reading and giving feedback, though.
>>Comma Typer
>>TheRedParade
>>Monokeras
For what it's worth, I don't know what I meant by this entry.
Thanks for reading and giving feedback, though.