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Knight
Thomas didn’t want to be a prince anymore.
At least, that was the thought circling in his head as he fought Geoffrey. Clack. Thomas’s arm ached blocking Geoffrey’s attacks, who wore a malicious smile.
Thomas backed up, flailing his wooden sword. His heart banged rapidly, like it was about to leap out of his chest. His foot hit a rock, sending him into the wet grass.
Geoffrey approached like a killer. Thomas scrambled back, his shaking hand holding his sword up. “Stand up and fight, boy!” Sir Willis called.
Thomas squeezed his eyes shut to stop the tears. Geoffrey smacked the sword out of his hand. “I yield!” he shrieked.
“Thomas the Lame!” the boys taunted on and on. He lay on the ground, sniffling, wishing everyone could disappear.
A hand gripped his arm. “My prince,” Sir Willis said.
What happened next was a blur. He remembered himself bolting off, and soon he was up the stairs and in his chamber, slamming the door behind him. The light of his window turned to darkness as his sobs faded to sniffles.
A knock sounded from his door. “Thomas,” Lord Tammen called, “May I come in?”
Thomas wanted to sit still in the darkness and pretend he wasn’t there. After a time, he finally answered.
Tammen entered, still dressed in hunting garb. “Hiding in the darkness, are you?” He lit the candles and sat down on the bed. “Thomas,” he sighed, “Your father bid me to make a knight out of you, how will I do that?”
No, my father sent me away because he knew I’m useless. He looked down at his right arm—short, thin, and twisted. “I’ll never be a knight.” Out of all the songs and stories he’d loved to read of knights and heroes, none of them were named the Lame.
“Of course,” said Tammen, “but you are to be king someday. And the king must learn how to fight.”
“I don’t want to be king!” Thomas screamed, pulling the covers over his head with his good arm. “Go away!”
“Sir Willis was right about you,” Tammen said coldly, “I shall send you back to your father on the morrow. I shall be surprised if he doesn’t disinherit right when you arrive.” He left.
He hated Sir Willis and his training. It’d be easier to turn the boy into a frog than a knight, he once declared to Lord Tammen. Yet, the thought of being sent back made him thick with shame.
His sobs gave way to sleep.
He dreamt of his mother, of home, of laughter and smiles. The memories were a hall that he raced down blissfully. He hopped from one door into the next, until finally he met the final one, closed.
His hand reached for it and brushed against the doorknob. It swung open, revealing a cold darkness. He felt it all in a blur—the biting wind of the night, his mother’s cries, and his arm being shattered in the wagon wheel.
The hall melted around him when he turned around to run. He found himself running through the void, unaware of any direction, chased by shadows.
For an eternity he ran, tears flying from his face and his heart beating with fright. When he could no longer run he fell to the floor, shutting his eyes and praying for a saviour to come.
A knight appeared.
Covered in shining armour and a fluttering cape, he stood tall and gallant—as if he was straight out of the songs.
The knight offered his hand to him, and he gladly took it. “To whom do I owe the honour, sir?”
The knight put his hand on his visor and lifted it. Darkness filled the helmet. The armour fell apart, the scattered pieces melting into darkness. No one would save him. “No,” cried Thomas.
Darkness welcomed him again. For a second, he couldn’t tell if he was still dreaming.
He jumped out of bed and crept down the stairs, running into the courtyard. He pulled a sword—a real one—off the racks. Twirling the heavy blade, he watched the moonlight dance along it.
He pierced a straw puppet, watching bits of straw fly. Sir Willis’s words echoed through his mind—but for once, he felt confident. I will fill the knight’s armour, he decided.
The next day, Thomas appeared in the courtyard, grinning, with sword in hand. And for the first time, the shouts of “Thomas the Lame,” were cheers.
At least, that was the thought circling in his head as he fought Geoffrey. Clack. Thomas’s arm ached blocking Geoffrey’s attacks, who wore a malicious smile.
Thomas backed up, flailing his wooden sword. His heart banged rapidly, like it was about to leap out of his chest. His foot hit a rock, sending him into the wet grass.
Geoffrey approached like a killer. Thomas scrambled back, his shaking hand holding his sword up. “Stand up and fight, boy!” Sir Willis called.
Thomas squeezed his eyes shut to stop the tears. Geoffrey smacked the sword out of his hand. “I yield!” he shrieked.
“Thomas the Lame!” the boys taunted on and on. He lay on the ground, sniffling, wishing everyone could disappear.
A hand gripped his arm. “My prince,” Sir Willis said.
What happened next was a blur. He remembered himself bolting off, and soon he was up the stairs and in his chamber, slamming the door behind him. The light of his window turned to darkness as his sobs faded to sniffles.
A knock sounded from his door. “Thomas,” Lord Tammen called, “May I come in?”
Thomas wanted to sit still in the darkness and pretend he wasn’t there. After a time, he finally answered.
Tammen entered, still dressed in hunting garb. “Hiding in the darkness, are you?” He lit the candles and sat down on the bed. “Thomas,” he sighed, “Your father bid me to make a knight out of you, how will I do that?”
No, my father sent me away because he knew I’m useless. He looked down at his right arm—short, thin, and twisted. “I’ll never be a knight.” Out of all the songs and stories he’d loved to read of knights and heroes, none of them were named the Lame.
“Of course,” said Tammen, “but you are to be king someday. And the king must learn how to fight.”
“I don’t want to be king!” Thomas screamed, pulling the covers over his head with his good arm. “Go away!”
“Sir Willis was right about you,” Tammen said coldly, “I shall send you back to your father on the morrow. I shall be surprised if he doesn’t disinherit right when you arrive.” He left.
He hated Sir Willis and his training. It’d be easier to turn the boy into a frog than a knight, he once declared to Lord Tammen. Yet, the thought of being sent back made him thick with shame.
His sobs gave way to sleep.
He dreamt of his mother, of home, of laughter and smiles. The memories were a hall that he raced down blissfully. He hopped from one door into the next, until finally he met the final one, closed.
His hand reached for it and brushed against the doorknob. It swung open, revealing a cold darkness. He felt it all in a blur—the biting wind of the night, his mother’s cries, and his arm being shattered in the wagon wheel.
The hall melted around him when he turned around to run. He found himself running through the void, unaware of any direction, chased by shadows.
For an eternity he ran, tears flying from his face and his heart beating with fright. When he could no longer run he fell to the floor, shutting his eyes and praying for a saviour to come.
A knight appeared.
Covered in shining armour and a fluttering cape, he stood tall and gallant—as if he was straight out of the songs.
The knight offered his hand to him, and he gladly took it. “To whom do I owe the honour, sir?”
The knight put his hand on his visor and lifted it. Darkness filled the helmet. The armour fell apart, the scattered pieces melting into darkness. No one would save him. “No,” cried Thomas.
Darkness welcomed him again. For a second, he couldn’t tell if he was still dreaming.
He jumped out of bed and crept down the stairs, running into the courtyard. He pulled a sword—a real one—off the racks. Twirling the heavy blade, he watched the moonlight dance along it.
He pierced a straw puppet, watching bits of straw fly. Sir Willis’s words echoed through his mind—but for once, he felt confident. I will fill the knight’s armour, he decided.
The next day, Thomas appeared in the courtyard, grinning, with sword in hand. And for the first time, the shouts of “Thomas the Lame,” were cheers.
My overall impression is that this reads like the beginning of a mediocre heroic fantasy novel. While the style is not actually that bad, it could definitely be more vivid, and the whole thing is built out of stereotypes.
What could have been a strong point is the conflict of failing to live up to people's/ your parents' expectations. I think it's a good conflict to have for a young character, and especially someone in a higher social position like a prince. Where it falls apart for me, however, is the resolution in a "it all became clear in a dream" turning point. The reason why I don't like that is, first, it's forced and does not really show the progression of the character, and second, it's really the least interesting thing that could happen. Just to throw in one possible alternative, I would like a story in which the prince decided, screw you all, I will become a baker and bake bread for the rest of my life because I love bread. Something like that would make the story a lot fresher.
Something that threw me off was the character of Tammen. In the brief bit in which he is part of the story, he is inconsistent. The reader does not get much of an introduction of him, granted, but the first impression is that of a mentor who, might he care about Thomas or not, is trying to build him up. Then, in the next moment, he just tosses him away. If he is like that, you should introduce him as cold and neglecting from the start so that it becomes believable.
To mention another thing that I did like, the title "Thomas the Lame" is pretty cool. If he goes on to become a great heroic knight it would definitely make him stand out.
What could have been a strong point is the conflict of failing to live up to people's/ your parents' expectations. I think it's a good conflict to have for a young character, and especially someone in a higher social position like a prince. Where it falls apart for me, however, is the resolution in a "it all became clear in a dream" turning point. The reason why I don't like that is, first, it's forced and does not really show the progression of the character, and second, it's really the least interesting thing that could happen. Just to throw in one possible alternative, I would like a story in which the prince decided, screw you all, I will become a baker and bake bread for the rest of my life because I love bread. Something like that would make the story a lot fresher.
Something that threw me off was the character of Tammen. In the brief bit in which he is part of the story, he is inconsistent. The reader does not get much of an introduction of him, granted, but the first impression is that of a mentor who, might he care about Thomas or not, is trying to build him up. Then, in the next moment, he just tosses him away. If he is like that, you should introduce him as cold and neglecting from the start so that it becomes believable.
To mention another thing that I did like, the title "Thomas the Lame" is pretty cool. If he goes on to become a great heroic knight it would definitely make him stand out.
Take an enjoyable, if not particularly memorable, fantasy novel, cut out everything between the second chapter and the last chapter, cut that down to 750 words, and you've basically got this story.
What I'm saying is that the idea you have isn't bad, but I also think that it can't really be told in 750 words.
Specifically, the two big problems I have with this story are the dream and the conclusion.
There's nothing wrong with the hero in these sorts of stories changing their mind and deciding that he wants, needs, and is able to be king after all. In fact, that's almost always what happens. But even when there is one specific turning point that leads to that decision, it's still a product of a lot of growth and character development, and that one point is usually something big. But in this story, he just has a dream that somehow convinces him to change his mind about everything. That does not make for a very interesting character arc.
And then there's the conclusion. If that last paragraph had said something like "When he returned to his home, the shouts of 'Tomas the Lame' were cheers," then it might be okay. But instead you have it set the next day, which makes everyone else's change in attitude come much to quickly too.
This was a nice attempt, author, but 750 words just isn't enough to tell the story that this needs to be.
What I'm saying is that the idea you have isn't bad, but I also think that it can't really be told in 750 words.
Specifically, the two big problems I have with this story are the dream and the conclusion.
There's nothing wrong with the hero in these sorts of stories changing their mind and deciding that he wants, needs, and is able to be king after all. In fact, that's almost always what happens. But even when there is one specific turning point that leads to that decision, it's still a product of a lot of growth and character development, and that one point is usually something big. But in this story, he just has a dream that somehow convinces him to change his mind about everything. That does not make for a very interesting character arc.
And then there's the conclusion. If that last paragraph had said something like "When he returned to his home, the shouts of 'Tomas the Lame' were cheers," then it might be okay. But instead you have it set the next day, which makes everyone else's change in attitude come much to quickly too.
This was a nice attempt, author, but 750 words just isn't enough to tell the story that this needs to be.
It's an interesting premise, the lame prince trying to become a warrior. It was easy to follow, and the dream imagery was well detailed.
I had a little trouble understanding his plight; 'lame' is pretty generic. Obviously he had a badly broken arm once, but that could still leave him varying degrees of functionality. Is it bent, do the fingers work, does it hurt, or can he just strap a shield to it and fight left-handed?
The ending takes it in a positive direction, but I'll agree that it doesn't feel as 'earned' as it could be to be truly satisfying. It would help if we had the room to see more of his life, so we could come to learn of his character organically and see how he came to his resolution.
I had a little trouble understanding his plight; 'lame' is pretty generic. Obviously he had a badly broken arm once, but that could still leave him varying degrees of functionality. Is it bent, do the fingers work, does it hurt, or can he just strap a shield to it and fight left-handed?
The ending takes it in a positive direction, but I'll agree that it doesn't feel as 'earned' as it could be to be truly satisfying. It would help if we had the room to see more of his life, so we could come to learn of his character organically and see how he came to his resolution.
I noticed a few grammar mistakes here and there,as well as a couple of repetitions which weakened the narration. Nothing a good editing won't fix, but it still means that it will lose a bit of ground against the competition.
I agree with the other reviewers on the issues of the story. The idea of a character with a non-fashionable handicap that has to overcome social pressure and expectations could work quite well, and the problems he faces at the beginning are serious and realistic (taking into account what we see of the setting). His overcoming the hurdles thanks to a dream on the other hand is a very weak development. While it is possible that it was only the beginning of a long and arduous journey, the way you worded it and the limitations of the word-count leaves the reader to think that all was solved.
Regarding Tammen, it is possible that his sudden change was a way to prod Thomas into reacting, but again, with 750 words, explaining that becomes difficult and didn't really come through.
It needs work and space, but it can be the seed of something really good.
I agree with the other reviewers on the issues of the story. The idea of a character with a non-fashionable handicap that has to overcome social pressure and expectations could work quite well, and the problems he faces at the beginning are serious and realistic (taking into account what we see of the setting). His overcoming the hurdles thanks to a dream on the other hand is a very weak development. While it is possible that it was only the beginning of a long and arduous journey, the way you worded it and the limitations of the word-count leaves the reader to think that all was solved.
Regarding Tammen, it is possible that his sudden change was a way to prod Thomas into reacting, but again, with 750 words, explaining that becomes difficult and didn't really come through.
It needs work and space, but it can be the seed of something really good.
I really like the idea here, but this one really feels like it's pushing up against the word limit. There are a lot of rapid-fire paragraphs that rush to convey all of the necessary information without a lot of time for specific details or descriptions that would really help readers get invested.
Regarding the plot, I think the dream sequence feels weak. You have Thomas doing a complete 180 with only 200 or so words of explanation. I can't help but think this story needs a couple of thousand more words to really reach its potential. As it is right not, it only barely conveys its message. It's a good message, with an interesting concept, but you really need more space to make it truly work.
Regarding the plot, I think the dream sequence feels weak. You have Thomas doing a complete 180 with only 200 or so words of explanation. I can't help but think this story needs a couple of thousand more words to really reach its potential. As it is right not, it only barely conveys its message. It's a good message, with an interesting concept, but you really need more space to make it truly work.
There are some technical things that slowed me down here. In the opening scene, the action is hard to rack. We're shown Geoffery moving in for the kill, then a "Sir Willis" says to stand and fight. We hear him before he's been introduced, as left wondering if Geoffery is also called "Sir Willis" or some such. A similar thing happens with Lord Tammen, who isn't introduced, but is just there knocking on the door. Is this the other name of Sir Willis? Nope, another new character.
As to the story itself, the message it's trying to convey is a good one, that you have to stand up for yourself, as there aren't always others to fight for you. But the delivery of that message fails for me. Most of it's simply told flat out in the last segment, explaining the dream and the moral of the story. So much of the rest of the dream was unimportant to that, and probably should've been cut to make room for a more natural evolution of the main point.
As to the story itself, the message it's trying to convey is a good one, that you have to stand up for yourself, as there aren't always others to fight for you. But the delivery of that message fails for me. Most of it's simply told flat out in the last segment, explaining the dream and the moral of the story. So much of the rest of the dream was unimportant to that, and probably should've been cut to make room for a more natural evolution of the main point.