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I've read this 1.5 times and I'm not seeing what Scoots saw in Rumble. Maybe I'm missing it. I'll try again later. I only looked because Rumble got called out for being bothersome as a colt, so I figured it had to be there as a counter.
As a character-driven piece without substantial plot, this story worked for me. The mix between dialogue and narration was nice.
I feel like there's been a failure to deliver on the story title.
As a character-driven piece without substantial plot, this story worked for me. The mix between dialogue and narration was nice.
I feel like there's been a failure to deliver on the story title.
>>LoftyWithers
It's the name of a song.
Now, I'm a sucker for moody character pieces and I'm goddamn sure whoever wrote this clearly knew that I would slurp every word of this up in half a heartbeat. It being tied to a song I'm aware of and aligning to its lyrical themes to near-perfection is just the cherry on top, even if it might come off as gratuitous to anyone else who has no idea of this song in the first place.
Looking at the story past the song, it's really neatly composed. From start to finish, the story knows what it wants to convey and sets out to do it without overstaying its welcome. Usually, I'd be glossing over a story like this with my every read, but I think it's really the little details that gave it the extra push it needed to grab my attention.
The dialogue is definitely where the heart of this story lies. Most of the conversation slides off pretty cleanly. I do think that one bit where Rumble recounts his memory of the obstacle course dragged it down a little, but otherwise everything comes across pretty well. Some part of me does wish for Rumble to have a more unorthodox approach to get Scootaloo to talk in the beginning, but that's really a matter of personal preference.
The prose plays off the dialogue well. It's rather simple and straightforward with a hint of cheekiness here and there. I really liked that we're given a glimpse at how their relationship works, especially with how understated it seems to come off. There are a few hiccups here and there that nudged the pacing for me in some places, but overall, everything panned out fine.
I think if there's really an issue with this story that stuck out to me, it's that I felt like this story starts to meander for me in consecutive reads. Stepping back and looking at the larger picture, this story is a really simple scene about Scootaloo being insecure on her first day as a teacher and Rumble recounting his experiences to convince her otherwise. There's not really much else going on alongside it, which usually means my interest begins to wane by my third read
As much as I admired the simplicity of the story as a whole, I do think there's more that can be explored beyond what we're given here. Rumble seems like a good place to start. It'll be interesting to see his character beyond the context of what the show and, in turn, this story had given us. It might also help sell the relationship between him and Scootaloo more if we get a clearer idea of what kind of pony he is in the context of this story.
I also think the perspective of this story is a little undecided as it is currently. I'm sure we're supposed to be viewing these chain of events from Rumble's end, though I think it sorta skips to Scootaloo in some parts. I think it's something that can be ironed out with a little more polish. It may also help with expanding Rumble's character further as well.
In summation, I think I like this story more than I don't. It doesn't quite hit the bar for it to fully satisfy me, but it's close enough for me to take notice. With some tweaking and expanding the focus a little, it'll definitely be a story that'll resonate with me as much as the song from which I believe its namesake came from did.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
I feel like there's been a failure to deliver on the story title.
It's the name of a song.
Now, I'm a sucker for moody character pieces and I'm goddamn sure whoever wrote this clearly knew that I would slurp every word of this up in half a heartbeat. It being tied to a song I'm aware of and aligning to its lyrical themes to near-perfection is just the cherry on top, even if it might come off as gratuitous to anyone else who has no idea of this song in the first place.
Looking at the story past the song, it's really neatly composed. From start to finish, the story knows what it wants to convey and sets out to do it without overstaying its welcome. Usually, I'd be glossing over a story like this with my every read, but I think it's really the little details that gave it the extra push it needed to grab my attention.
The dialogue is definitely where the heart of this story lies. Most of the conversation slides off pretty cleanly. I do think that one bit where Rumble recounts his memory of the obstacle course dragged it down a little, but otherwise everything comes across pretty well. Some part of me does wish for Rumble to have a more unorthodox approach to get Scootaloo to talk in the beginning, but that's really a matter of personal preference.
The prose plays off the dialogue well. It's rather simple and straightforward with a hint of cheekiness here and there. I really liked that we're given a glimpse at how their relationship works, especially with how understated it seems to come off. There are a few hiccups here and there that nudged the pacing for me in some places, but overall, everything panned out fine.
I think if there's really an issue with this story that stuck out to me, it's that I felt like this story starts to meander for me in consecutive reads. Stepping back and looking at the larger picture, this story is a really simple scene about Scootaloo being insecure on her first day as a teacher and Rumble recounting his experiences to convince her otherwise. There's not really much else going on alongside it, which usually means my interest begins to wane by my third read
As much as I admired the simplicity of the story as a whole, I do think there's more that can be explored beyond what we're given here. Rumble seems like a good place to start. It'll be interesting to see his character beyond the context of what the show and, in turn, this story had given us. It might also help sell the relationship between him and Scootaloo more if we get a clearer idea of what kind of pony he is in the context of this story.
I also think the perspective of this story is a little undecided as it is currently. I'm sure we're supposed to be viewing these chain of events from Rumble's end, though I think it sorta skips to Scootaloo in some parts. I think it's something that can be ironed out with a little more polish. It may also help with expanding Rumble's character further as well.
In summation, I think I like this story more than I don't. It doesn't quite hit the bar for it to fully satisfy me, but it's close enough for me to take notice. With some tweaking and expanding the focus a little, it'll definitely be a story that'll resonate with me as much as the song from which I believe its namesake came from did.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
The conversation going on here, and the underlying concept, are quite solid. The only thing that I think is really murky here, which Lofty touched on a little, is the relationship between these two characters.
See, I don't think taking their relationship out of the story would affect anything in a material way. To me, the relationship has the same effect on the story as a pair of streamers do when they're tied to the handlebars of a bicycle. They're pretty, sure, but they aren't super integral to the operation of the bicycle. You could take them off and get from A to B just as quickly.
Part of that comes from these two characters not talking about their memories together at any point, outside of who they were when they were foals (i.e., when they weren't dating). So they don't appear to have any history in between their encounter at the obstacle course and now. Truly, Rumble could be serving Scootaloo coffee at a café, noticing her anxiety, and taking a quick break to sit down and cheer up an old friend. And the conversation could play out exactly the same. The other thing is, if I'm being honest, the conversation here isn't terribly deep. Again, friends could have this conversation just fine, but there are certain insecurities that you need a lover for.
But hey, nice bike, Author! There's nothing wrong with those streamers... But could they be an engine instead?
Thanks for writing!!
See, I don't think taking their relationship out of the story would affect anything in a material way. To me, the relationship has the same effect on the story as a pair of streamers do when they're tied to the handlebars of a bicycle. They're pretty, sure, but they aren't super integral to the operation of the bicycle. You could take them off and get from A to B just as quickly.
Part of that comes from these two characters not talking about their memories together at any point, outside of who they were when they were foals (i.e., when they weren't dating). So they don't appear to have any history in between their encounter at the obstacle course and now. Truly, Rumble could be serving Scootaloo coffee at a café, noticing her anxiety, and taking a quick break to sit down and cheer up an old friend. And the conversation could play out exactly the same. The other thing is, if I'm being honest, the conversation here isn't terribly deep. Again, friends could have this conversation just fine, but there are certain insecurities that you need a lover for.
But hey, nice bike, Author! There's nothing wrong with those streamers... But could they be an engine instead?
Thanks for writing!!