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The Torturer
Even with her wrists and ankles strapped into the chair, and her eyes covered by the headset, Captain Ramires was a picture of threat. Her fists clenched and unclenched, her right heel tapped the concrete floor, and, over the intercom, Alec could hear her performing a breathing exercise. In for five, out for five. Repeat.
“Ready when you are,” she said. Her head was shaved to make room for the colorful EEG helmet.
Alec stuttered and switched on the microphone. “Just setting up, Captain. Almost done.”
He checked his monitors. Vitals safe, nerve impulses reading. The only screen that was blank was the one in the center. Ramires’s heartrate beeped quietly inside the control room, as if she was in a hospital, instead of strapped to a chair in the basement of a police station.
Alec re-checked his routines. Temperature control, on. Touch and pressure, on. Simulated bodily harm—thank God—off. Memory scan…
Alec paused, his finger hovering over the mouse. He moved it to the microphone, and paused again.
Should he warn her? No. She would only yell at him for priming her. He toggled the memory scan on, and prayed that this would finally impress her.
“The Torturer,” he said into the microphone. “Run twenty-nine. Subject, Ramires.”
He clicked ‘run’. The servers behind him whirred to life, and he watched Ramires through the wired glass window as she began to feel the effects of the numbing agents releasing throughout her suit. She tipped her head back and exhaled.
The viewing monitor brightened as she opened her eyes. They entered the simulation together—her through the headset (which she could no longer feel), and Alec through the monitor.
She was in a soggy wooden cellar in the middle of nowhere. No windows or furniture—only a stair, with a light crackling from upstairs. Ramires looked down at her hands and opened them. Exact replicas. Alec couldn’t get over the detail. He still remembered playing VR games when he was a kid—the deranged girlfriend sawing his arm off with a chainsaw. It had seemed so real, and that was thirty years ago.
Steel-toed boots tapped on the wood floor above. Down the stairs descended the torturer.
Alec hated seeing him, and he’d created him. The torturer was about seven feet tall. Unshaven in three days, yet with professionally trimmed hair. He carried a toolbelt, like that of a carpenter, except with more saws.
His voice came from the bottom of a well. “Hello, Captain Ramires.”
Alec nearly squeaked. He hadn’t given the program her name. It had figured it out using only her brainwaves. The memory scan was working.
He stared at Ramires, and at Alec. His eyes were bright green tunnels. Something from another planet. “Now, are we doing easy way today? Or… not-so-easy way.”
Ramires said nothing. She never had in almost thirty simulations.
“Well, we can’t leave until you talk.” The torturer scanned the tools around his waist and tutted. He never used them. They just had to be there.
The torturer showed off his rotting teeth. “Captain,” he said. “Do you think I can bring back your husband?”
Alec cocked his head. The memory scan subroutine was flashing. Currently in use.
“What did you just say?” Ramires growled.
“I get it.” The Torturer placed his hands on her shoulders, and she sank back in her chair. “Some scumbag lawyer springs your bad guy from your grasp, he shakes your hand, and the next day he lops off poor hubby’s head. What, are you gonna catch him again? Send me after him?”
Alec’s mouth fell open. Ramires’s heartrate beeped rapidly. The servers roared.
The torturer leaned in. “Face it, Captain. No matter what tools you have… you will always fail.”
Ramires spit in his face. It didn’t show up on the screen, but smacked into the window instead.
“STOP IT!” Ramires screamed, and Alec took a second to realize she meant him. He punched the emergency stop button and everything noisily shut off. Ramires hyperventilated in her chair. The Torturer’s image flickered off the monitor, but was still burned in Alec’s eyes.
Alec sprinted through the door and undid one wrist. The moment her hand was free Ramires latched onto his lab-coat and pulled him in. From behind the dark visor, her eyes flashed.
“I’m sorry!” Alec said. “I—!”
Only when she caught her breath did Alec realize that the Captain was trying to laugh. She breathed in long and loud and pulled Alec into a one-armed hug.
“It’s perfect.”
“Ready when you are,” she said. Her head was shaved to make room for the colorful EEG helmet.
Alec stuttered and switched on the microphone. “Just setting up, Captain. Almost done.”
He checked his monitors. Vitals safe, nerve impulses reading. The only screen that was blank was the one in the center. Ramires’s heartrate beeped quietly inside the control room, as if she was in a hospital, instead of strapped to a chair in the basement of a police station.
Alec re-checked his routines. Temperature control, on. Touch and pressure, on. Simulated bodily harm—thank God—off. Memory scan…
Alec paused, his finger hovering over the mouse. He moved it to the microphone, and paused again.
Should he warn her? No. She would only yell at him for priming her. He toggled the memory scan on, and prayed that this would finally impress her.
“The Torturer,” he said into the microphone. “Run twenty-nine. Subject, Ramires.”
He clicked ‘run’. The servers behind him whirred to life, and he watched Ramires through the wired glass window as she began to feel the effects of the numbing agents releasing throughout her suit. She tipped her head back and exhaled.
The viewing monitor brightened as she opened her eyes. They entered the simulation together—her through the headset (which she could no longer feel), and Alec through the monitor.
She was in a soggy wooden cellar in the middle of nowhere. No windows or furniture—only a stair, with a light crackling from upstairs. Ramires looked down at her hands and opened them. Exact replicas. Alec couldn’t get over the detail. He still remembered playing VR games when he was a kid—the deranged girlfriend sawing his arm off with a chainsaw. It had seemed so real, and that was thirty years ago.
Steel-toed boots tapped on the wood floor above. Down the stairs descended the torturer.
Alec hated seeing him, and he’d created him. The torturer was about seven feet tall. Unshaven in three days, yet with professionally trimmed hair. He carried a toolbelt, like that of a carpenter, except with more saws.
His voice came from the bottom of a well. “Hello, Captain Ramires.”
Alec nearly squeaked. He hadn’t given the program her name. It had figured it out using only her brainwaves. The memory scan was working.
He stared at Ramires, and at Alec. His eyes were bright green tunnels. Something from another planet. “Now, are we doing easy way today? Or… not-so-easy way.”
Ramires said nothing. She never had in almost thirty simulations.
“Well, we can’t leave until you talk.” The torturer scanned the tools around his waist and tutted. He never used them. They just had to be there.
The torturer showed off his rotting teeth. “Captain,” he said. “Do you think I can bring back your husband?”
Alec cocked his head. The memory scan subroutine was flashing. Currently in use.
“What did you just say?” Ramires growled.
“I get it.” The Torturer placed his hands on her shoulders, and she sank back in her chair. “Some scumbag lawyer springs your bad guy from your grasp, he shakes your hand, and the next day he lops off poor hubby’s head. What, are you gonna catch him again? Send me after him?”
Alec’s mouth fell open. Ramires’s heartrate beeped rapidly. The servers roared.
The torturer leaned in. “Face it, Captain. No matter what tools you have… you will always fail.”
Ramires spit in his face. It didn’t show up on the screen, but smacked into the window instead.
“STOP IT!” Ramires screamed, and Alec took a second to realize she meant him. He punched the emergency stop button and everything noisily shut off. Ramires hyperventilated in her chair. The Torturer’s image flickered off the monitor, but was still burned in Alec’s eyes.
Alec sprinted through the door and undid one wrist. The moment her hand was free Ramires latched onto his lab-coat and pulled him in. From behind the dark visor, her eyes flashed.
“I’m sorry!” Alec said. “I—!”
Only when she caught her breath did Alec realize that the Captain was trying to laugh. She breathed in long and loud and pulled Alec into a one-armed hug.
“It’s perfect.”
I like sci-fi and things with sci-fi-ish slants, so this one definitely wins a lot of brownie points from me. Character introductions are done really well here, with us getting a good idea of each character's archetype quickly and effortlessly.
But I'm a little worried about the general pacing of this one. It's really not until about 300 words in that we start getting an idea of what this story is about. With most stories, I wouldn't bat an eye at a 300 word wind-up, but in the context of a minific, that's almost half of your word count before your readers feels confident enough in the premise to start investing themselves. As a result, it's kind of hard to be immediately captivated by this one.
As for the ending, I'm also experiencing a little bit of vagueness about the ultimate payoff. There's the mini-twist that Ramires is actually totally cool with it, but overall I'm not certain how I'm supposed to feel about the whole deal. The twist itself is pretty small-scale, so I don't think you meant for the story to be carried by it. So instead, I'm left wondering what the audience's takeaway is supposed to be. The way things are right now, I'm just not sure what kinds of emotions or thoughts the story is meant to evoke from me.
So overall, I think that between the slower pacing and the murky payoff, I'm having trouble enjoying this one the way I think you intended. My suggestion would be to cut out some of the words from the front end of this story and to instead invest them in the back end, where some more context might be needed to sell the final takeaway.
Thank you for entering!
But I'm a little worried about the general pacing of this one. It's really not until about 300 words in that we start getting an idea of what this story is about. With most stories, I wouldn't bat an eye at a 300 word wind-up, but in the context of a minific, that's almost half of your word count before your readers feels confident enough in the premise to start investing themselves. As a result, it's kind of hard to be immediately captivated by this one.
As for the ending, I'm also experiencing a little bit of vagueness about the ultimate payoff. There's the mini-twist that Ramires is actually totally cool with it, but overall I'm not certain how I'm supposed to feel about the whole deal. The twist itself is pretty small-scale, so I don't think you meant for the story to be carried by it. So instead, I'm left wondering what the audience's takeaway is supposed to be. The way things are right now, I'm just not sure what kinds of emotions or thoughts the story is meant to evoke from me.
So overall, I think that between the slower pacing and the murky payoff, I'm having trouble enjoying this one the way I think you intended. My suggestion would be to cut out some of the words from the front end of this story and to instead invest them in the back end, where some more context might be needed to sell the final takeaway.
Thank you for entering!
Is it the torturer or the Torturer? I need answers, author.
Something I liked:
I really like what this entry's going for, at least in theory. It's a subversion of these kind of hi-tech stories where something goes wrong, and instead we get more of a character study that actually benefits from the technology. I don't think you could've told this story if it wasn't in a sci-fi setting. The idea that it's a simulation, and that Ramires is doing all this willingly, is central to the plot, and it's one of those classic sci-fi scenarios I can imagine reading in some anthology. The payoff, as banal as it is, felt earned, although there is one major issue I have with this...
Something I didn't like:
This entry has kind of a POV problem, and it undermines how much I could connect with the characters. On the one hand, I understand why we don't get planted in Ramires's shoes, considering the semi-twist hinges on not knowing how she's actually reacting to the simulation, but she's also a way more interesting character than Alec. The problem is that we don't really get to be in Alec's shoes either; it's the sort of omnipotent narration that prevents me from connecting with either character. This would not be such a problem if I wasn't supposed to get some serious emotional payoff from the experience.
Verdict: I feel very torn on this one. I like the premise, but I'm not really sold on it.
Something I liked:
I really like what this entry's going for, at least in theory. It's a subversion of these kind of hi-tech stories where something goes wrong, and instead we get more of a character study that actually benefits from the technology. I don't think you could've told this story if it wasn't in a sci-fi setting. The idea that it's a simulation, and that Ramires is doing all this willingly, is central to the plot, and it's one of those classic sci-fi scenarios I can imagine reading in some anthology. The payoff, as banal as it is, felt earned, although there is one major issue I have with this...
Something I didn't like:
This entry has kind of a POV problem, and it undermines how much I could connect with the characters. On the one hand, I understand why we don't get planted in Ramires's shoes, considering the semi-twist hinges on not knowing how she's actually reacting to the simulation, but she's also a way more interesting character than Alec. The problem is that we don't really get to be in Alec's shoes either; it's the sort of omnipotent narration that prevents me from connecting with either character. This would not be such a problem if I wasn't supposed to get some serious emotional payoff from the experience.
Verdict: I feel very torn on this one. I like the premise, but I'm not really sold on it.
I have a really hard time with this one, and I think it comes down to two key points.
1) Speed at which the story takes place. It feels too fast for me. I wish I could have more time spent getting to know Alec and Ramires before we get dumped into this big reveal about Ramires.
2) The amount of information we've been given. I understand that, since we've got 750 words or less to tell our stories, we've got to prioritize what we put in, but I cannot place this story into any kind of setting, be it temporal, locational, or even narratively. I was able to gather that these two are cops- little beyond that. I don't feel like I know anything about these two characters or their overall motives. We get something close to Ramires's motivation at the end: she wants to perfect this technology because of losing her husband to criminals, but even that doesn't feel naturally given.
At the end of the day, I just feel like this needed more. Couple hundred words more, giving me more about these characters and their general dynamic. I know In-Media-Res is something of a standard in the writing community, but this felt too far into the action.
That isn't to say there weren't some really interesting parts to this- I really like the concepts that take place in the story. The idea of interrogation using memory scans isn't one I've encountered in sci-fi before (it's probably been done before, but I've never seen it myself), and I think that there can be a lot done with this concept, especially if you've got more space to expand.
1) Speed at which the story takes place. It feels too fast for me. I wish I could have more time spent getting to know Alec and Ramires before we get dumped into this big reveal about Ramires.
2) The amount of information we've been given. I understand that, since we've got 750 words or less to tell our stories, we've got to prioritize what we put in, but I cannot place this story into any kind of setting, be it temporal, locational, or even narratively. I was able to gather that these two are cops- little beyond that. I don't feel like I know anything about these two characters or their overall motives. We get something close to Ramires's motivation at the end: she wants to perfect this technology because of losing her husband to criminals, but even that doesn't feel naturally given.
At the end of the day, I just feel like this needed more. Couple hundred words more, giving me more about these characters and their general dynamic. I know In-Media-Res is something of a standard in the writing community, but this felt too far into the action.
That isn't to say there weren't some really interesting parts to this- I really like the concepts that take place in the story. The idea of interrogation using memory scans isn't one I've encountered in sci-fi before (it's probably been done before, but I've never seen it myself), and I think that there can be a lot done with this concept, especially if you've got more space to expand.
There is one thing here that definitely breaks my suspension of disbelief for me: it’s a simulation, but the main character is aware it is a simulation, so… what's the point of all this? Are they training for a mission like in the movie Matrix?
It rather seems that the girl was chosen as a guinea pig to help develop the simulation code, but the goal of that simulation code is itself unclear. TBH, it seemed to me that was indeed an attempt to bring into being a new form of psychological torture that would live no visible trace or bruises on the victim's body. And despite the ending having the guinea pig showing some sort of Stockholm's syndrome, this was enough to churn my stomach a bit. (But I agree this could also be some sort of immersive role-playing game.)
It rather seems that the girl was chosen as a guinea pig to help develop the simulation code, but the goal of that simulation code is itself unclear. TBH, it seemed to me that was indeed an attempt to bring into being a new form of psychological torture that would live no visible trace or bruises on the victim's body. And despite the ending having the guinea pig showing some sort of Stockholm's syndrome, this was enough to churn my stomach a bit. (But I agree this could also be some sort of immersive role-playing game.)
An interesting look into a potential future that I have to agree takes a bit to get started. I think there's some very morally grey areas being explored through this tool that's more for psychological than physical torture, especially given how enthusiastic about it that Ramirez sounds.