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Murphy is trying to chill with her girlfriend, but she's dummy thicc, and the CLAP of her ass cheeks keeps causing bad luck.
Something I liked:
Shit, that's cute. That's really cute. I would even go so far as to say that making this an F/M pairing would make it not quite as cute. M/M is very much possible, though. It's one of those relationship stories where I feel like I know these people, and of course Murphy and Paz just bring out the flamboyant gay man buried deep inside of me. Wait, that didn't sound right...
Something I didn't like:
As adorable as this entry is, I feel like the last paragraph pushes it too far. It's so rainbow-filled that it becomes cliched, which is a shame to see coming from a story that is otherwise as inventive as this. Just tweak the ending a bit and you'll have my vote 100%, but like, you don't have to. It's just my opinion, darling.
Verdict: YASS, GURL!
Something I liked:
Shit, that's cute. That's really cute. I would even go so far as to say that making this an F/M pairing would make it not quite as cute. M/M is very much possible, though. It's one of those relationship stories where I feel like I know these people, and of course Murphy and Paz just bring out the flamboyant gay man buried deep inside of me. Wait, that didn't sound right...
Something I didn't like:
As adorable as this entry is, I feel like the last paragraph pushes it too far. It's so rainbow-filled that it becomes cliched, which is a shame to see coming from a story that is otherwise as inventive as this. Just tweak the ending a bit and you'll have my vote 100%, but like, you don't have to. It's just my opinion, darling.
Verdict: YASS, GURL!
This one's cute and silly, and it does a good job of establishing it's cute and silly tone nice and quickly.
Now, while I get that Murphy is supposed to represent Murphy's Law, I'm a little more confused about what Paz is supposed to be. I'm assuming that she isn't just an ordinary girl, since she seems to see the future and all, so I feel like I'm missing something in regards to her identity. I'm guessing that something about her makes her uniquely compatible with Murphy, but I'm not seeing it right now.
As for the prose, there are a couple of places that felt a little odd to me. For instance, in the soup-spilling the use of the word "reside" is a little strange to me, and there's something about the koala bit that made me read the whole exchange two or three times before I felt like I understood it completely. Other than these occasional rough patches though, the language feels serviceable throughout.
Finally, in regards to the ending, I'm afraid I'm left shrugging my shoulders a little at the whole thing. It doesn't feel like there's much of a payoff or a takeaway here, outside of getting to see the cute lesbian interactions throughout the story. Maybe the fact that I'm missing out on Paz's identity is hurting my interpretation, but as of right now, I'm not seeing much of an arc or a reveal or any obvious reward for the reader's attention.
So overall, while this one definitely does earn some points in my book for its general sugar-sweet pleasantness, the fact that I feel like I'm missing out on some of the key takeaways (Paz, the ending, etc) makes it hard for me to feel completely satisfied. I'll be very interested in hearing the author's thoughts in a retro, if there is indeed something that I don't understand.
Thank you for submitting!
Now, while I get that Murphy is supposed to represent Murphy's Law, I'm a little more confused about what Paz is supposed to be. I'm assuming that she isn't just an ordinary girl, since she seems to see the future and all, so I feel like I'm missing something in regards to her identity. I'm guessing that something about her makes her uniquely compatible with Murphy, but I'm not seeing it right now.
As for the prose, there are a couple of places that felt a little odd to me. For instance, in the soup-spilling the use of the word "reside" is a little strange to me, and there's something about the koala bit that made me read the whole exchange two or three times before I felt like I understood it completely. Other than these occasional rough patches though, the language feels serviceable throughout.
Finally, in regards to the ending, I'm afraid I'm left shrugging my shoulders a little at the whole thing. It doesn't feel like there's much of a payoff or a takeaway here, outside of getting to see the cute lesbian interactions throughout the story. Maybe the fact that I'm missing out on Paz's identity is hurting my interpretation, but as of right now, I'm not seeing much of an arc or a reveal or any obvious reward for the reader's attention.
So overall, while this one definitely does earn some points in my book for its general sugar-sweet pleasantness, the fact that I feel like I'm missing out on some of the key takeaways (Paz, the ending, etc) makes it hard for me to feel completely satisfied. I'll be very interested in hearing the author's thoughts in a retro, if there is indeed something that I don't understand.
Thank you for submitting!
In terms of composition, this story is a little rough around the edges. The author doesn't seem to know how to properly punctuate dialogue, the paragraphing isn't discrete between characters (and sometimes breaks for seemingly no reason at all), the punctuation is often formatted wrong or missing, and the overall cadence of the story mostly follows this format:
Not exactly the most interesting thing to read. Not to say that the entry itself is boring, but the formatting and prose don't really elevate the material. What little narration exists in the context of the story seems to be leaning heavily on the fourth wall, and if that's the intention, to have the narration be sort of a pseudo-character, you'd probably want to bring that out more in full, and cut back on some of the dialogue. The last thing you'd want is for the reader to be uncertain as to whether you are intentionally breaking the fourth wall with your narration.
The bad news is that the fundamental composition of the story is really what is holding it back.That means from the ground up, the story should be cut, reworded, reorganized, and presented in a more dynamic, effective manner. The good news is that this is probably the easiest thing to fix. Really what it boils down to is effective organization, vocabulary choices, and choice of what to include and what to leave out.
Stylistically, the story has a pretty strong sense of identity, the tone is consistent, and the premise is at the very least interesting and novel. It's suitably cute, and even though I'd prefer to see the dialogue reined in a bit, it accomplishes that goal. This is arguably one of the hardest and more nebulous things to nail about story-telling, so kudos for that.
What I think >>Bachiavellian means when he says there's no payoff is that there's basically no conflict in this story. The characters basically end the story at the same place they began, and the challenges they face (aka the bad luck) are something that's already so mundane and routine to them that it doesn't prevent any meaningful obstacle for their interaction. What we are left with is two characters that already loved each other saying they love each other. Now that might get >>No_Raisin's rocks off, but for the educated, erudite, and more artsy among us like >>Bachiavellian, this will all come up feeling a bit insubstantial. Consequently, if you were to rewrite this story, I would suggest including some stakes. Or steaks.
Perhaps the stakes are that the steaks have been ruined at the restaurant due to a mistake by one of the chef's that causes one of the Misses to take off out of frustration with the bad luck thing before finally realizing she was being insensitive about the missed steaks and return to a proposal after a gut-wrenching heartfelt speech where she comes to terms with her stake in life.
But I digress. The point being is that cute for cuteness' sake can only get you so far. My recommendation would be to brush up the composition fundamentals. Really focus on how to construct your scenes to make sure that the reader is getting something interesting out of every line, and that the construction doesn't feel repetitive or disorganized. A good place to start would be to focus on how professional authors using paragraphing, how they tend to construct a paragraph around one idea, and how they transition those ideas to the next.
Cassius does a thing. "Wow, this is dialogue."
"Indeed, that is dialogue," Cassius speeched.
Cassius does another, different thing. "This is even more dialogue."
"Wow, amazing!" Cassius speeched, but using a different verb.
Not exactly the most interesting thing to read. Not to say that the entry itself is boring, but the formatting and prose don't really elevate the material. What little narration exists in the context of the story seems to be leaning heavily on the fourth wall, and if that's the intention, to have the narration be sort of a pseudo-character, you'd probably want to bring that out more in full, and cut back on some of the dialogue. The last thing you'd want is for the reader to be uncertain as to whether you are intentionally breaking the fourth wall with your narration.
The bad news is that the fundamental composition of the story is really what is holding it back.That means from the ground up, the story should be cut, reworded, reorganized, and presented in a more dynamic, effective manner. The good news is that this is probably the easiest thing to fix. Really what it boils down to is effective organization, vocabulary choices, and choice of what to include and what to leave out.
Stylistically, the story has a pretty strong sense of identity, the tone is consistent, and the premise is at the very least interesting and novel. It's suitably cute, and even though I'd prefer to see the dialogue reined in a bit, it accomplishes that goal. This is arguably one of the hardest and more nebulous things to nail about story-telling, so kudos for that.
What I think >>Bachiavellian means when he says there's no payoff is that there's basically no conflict in this story. The characters basically end the story at the same place they began, and the challenges they face (aka the bad luck) are something that's already so mundane and routine to them that it doesn't prevent any meaningful obstacle for their interaction. What we are left with is two characters that already loved each other saying they love each other. Now that might get >>No_Raisin's rocks off, but for the educated, erudite, and more artsy among us like >>Bachiavellian, this will all come up feeling a bit insubstantial. Consequently, if you were to rewrite this story, I would suggest including some stakes. Or steaks.
Perhaps the stakes are that the steaks have been ruined at the restaurant due to a mistake by one of the chef's that causes one of the Misses to take off out of frustration with the bad luck thing before finally realizing she was being insensitive about the missed steaks and return to a proposal after a gut-wrenching heartfelt speech where she comes to terms with her stake in life.
But I digress. The point being is that cute for cuteness' sake can only get you so far. My recommendation would be to brush up the composition fundamentals. Really focus on how to construct your scenes to make sure that the reader is getting something interesting out of every line, and that the construction doesn't feel repetitive or disorganized. A good place to start would be to focus on how professional authors using paragraphing, how they tend to construct a paragraph around one idea, and how they transition those ideas to the next.
This is one is both too mushy and wayyyyy too splastick for my liking. I apologise if it’s not the case, but I cannot shake off the feeling that this a thin-veiled pony fic involving Discord, the chaos god, and some other character, probably Fluttershy. If it’s not, it’s highly redolent of it.
I don’t have a lot to add after what master Cassius already couched down. I mean, yeah, it’s sweet, too sweet for me, but the sweetness and seemingly craziness (but not the same than The God Killer's one) don’t make for much at the end of the day. It’s fluffy, and insubstantial to me.
I don’t have a lot to add after what master Cassius already couched down. I mean, yeah, it’s sweet, too sweet for me, but the sweetness and seemingly craziness (but not the same than The God Killer's one) don’t make for much at the end of the day. It’s fluffy, and insubstantial to me.