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Do You Remember The Last Time You Woke Up?
A sound like chewing on ice snapped Catra out of her hunter's reverie. She glimpsed behind and above her, ears twisting to the sound of sobbing in the midnight dark. Entrapta, dammit, was crying in her perch. Catra broke her patrol and scrambled up the tree. She whispered in Entrapta's ear: "What in the hell are you crying about?"
Entrapta didn't meet her gaze; she held out her hand. In her palm rested a faint white sliver in a pool of red. "My tooth broke," Entrapta said. "I think I swallowed some of it."
"Well, then you should brush your teeth more often, idiot," Catra said.
"I... I brush 'em all the time, honest... once in the morning... once at bedtime..." Her words took on a nursery-rhyme lilt. "...and after each meal, so my teeth will shine."
"Then don't bash your head on things."
Entrapta looked up at last. The whites of her eyes were pink. "I think it's the DROSTE."
"Did it say 'teeth might fall out' on the hypo, Entrapta?"
"It just said 'DROSTE.' And that it lasts five days."
"And how long have we been waiting in this Bast-forsaken forest waiting for the princesses to waltz by to their jungle hideout?"
Entrapta stared at her.
Catra held up three fingers. "This many days."
"The sun came up and went down that many times," Entrapta said.
"Yes."
"...are you sure?"
Catra slapped her.
"Ow..." She rubbed her cheek. "Are you sure, though? I think... I think it's been more."
"Shut up and stuff that tooth in your pocket. Two days and we're out." Catra slid down the tree, leaving more lines gouged into the bark. Back to pacing. The DROSTE obviated their need for sleep. The princesses could be through here at any minute. Better then to be prepared for them for longer than the target window, sleepless and all-seeing.
Yeah... that made sense.
The moons hung low and the night turned darker yet. The thin foot paths were vacant. She found some worms and small vermin, which she absently ate to still her stomach and pass the time. She left slashes on tree trunks, she heard the sound of footsteps and held still for minutes until she realized she had only been imagining the noise--
--or hearing it, and the princesses holding that much more still, and that they were here in force, waiting.
Catra slunk behind a tree and found Scorpia. Scorpia was filthy from trudging in the dirt for three days. Her eyes were wide and her pupils pinpricks.
"What?" Catra said, after the pause grew from long to unbearable.
"Do you remember the last time you woke up?" Scorpia said.
"It doesn't matter, gods take you."
"I don't think I've been born. I think I'm still in the egg, waiting to break free. This is a vision. I... I need to stop it from happening..."
She was crying. The whites of her eyes, now gone cracked and gray, flaked with her tears.
"We're fine. We're fine," Catra said. "Three days. Out of five. We'll be fine in two days. At most."
"Catra... you keep saying that. You said that five days ago. I think you said it two days ago, too..." Scorpia held out her left pincer and let it relax. Nine hypos of DROST clattered to the forest floor. "Catra... do you remember the last time you woke up?"
Catra meant to slap her, but her claws were loose, and so she drew four bright bleeding lines across Scorpia's face instead.
"We're fine," Catra said, and in a moment of inspiration made Scorpia's face symmetrical. "We're fine. We're fine. We're fine, you--"
She cut and cut and cut and cut until her arms gave out.
Catra stood, alone for a moment, and stared at her hands, suddenly transfixed. Her hands were soaked blue. The princess's blood tickled the constellation of track marks running up her arms.
She felt tired.
"Just three more days," Catra said, fetching a new hypo of DROSTE, "and we'll be out."
Entrapta didn't meet her gaze; she held out her hand. In her palm rested a faint white sliver in a pool of red. "My tooth broke," Entrapta said. "I think I swallowed some of it."
"Well, then you should brush your teeth more often, idiot," Catra said.
"I... I brush 'em all the time, honest... once in the morning... once at bedtime..." Her words took on a nursery-rhyme lilt. "...and after each meal, so my teeth will shine."
"Then don't bash your head on things."
Entrapta looked up at last. The whites of her eyes were pink. "I think it's the DROSTE."
"Did it say 'teeth might fall out' on the hypo, Entrapta?"
"It just said 'DROSTE.' And that it lasts five days."
"And how long have we been waiting in this Bast-forsaken forest waiting for the princesses to waltz by to their jungle hideout?"
Entrapta stared at her.
Catra held up three fingers. "This many days."
"The sun came up and went down that many times," Entrapta said.
"Yes."
"...are you sure?"
Catra slapped her.
"Ow..." She rubbed her cheek. "Are you sure, though? I think... I think it's been more."
"Shut up and stuff that tooth in your pocket. Two days and we're out." Catra slid down the tree, leaving more lines gouged into the bark. Back to pacing. The DROSTE obviated their need for sleep. The princesses could be through here at any minute. Better then to be prepared for them for longer than the target window, sleepless and all-seeing.
Yeah... that made sense.
The moons hung low and the night turned darker yet. The thin foot paths were vacant. She found some worms and small vermin, which she absently ate to still her stomach and pass the time. She left slashes on tree trunks, she heard the sound of footsteps and held still for minutes until she realized she had only been imagining the noise--
--or hearing it, and the princesses holding that much more still, and that they were here in force, waiting.
Catra slunk behind a tree and found Scorpia. Scorpia was filthy from trudging in the dirt for three days. Her eyes were wide and her pupils pinpricks.
"What?" Catra said, after the pause grew from long to unbearable.
"Do you remember the last time you woke up?" Scorpia said.
"It doesn't matter, gods take you."
"I don't think I've been born. I think I'm still in the egg, waiting to break free. This is a vision. I... I need to stop it from happening..."
She was crying. The whites of her eyes, now gone cracked and gray, flaked with her tears.
"We're fine. We're fine," Catra said. "Three days. Out of five. We'll be fine in two days. At most."
"Catra... you keep saying that. You said that five days ago. I think you said it two days ago, too..." Scorpia held out her left pincer and let it relax. Nine hypos of DROST clattered to the forest floor. "Catra... do you remember the last time you woke up?"
Catra meant to slap her, but her claws were loose, and so she drew four bright bleeding lines across Scorpia's face instead.
"We're fine," Catra said, and in a moment of inspiration made Scorpia's face symmetrical. "We're fine. We're fine. We're fine, you--"
She cut and cut and cut and cut until her arms gave out.
Catra stood, alone for a moment, and stared at her hands, suddenly transfixed. Her hands were soaked blue. The princess's blood tickled the constellation of track marks running up her arms.
She felt tired.
"Just three more days," Catra said, fetching a new hypo of DROSTE, "and we'll be out."
You took the low-hanging-fruit option for this prompt and ratcheted the surreal experience of extreme sleep deprivation all the way up to 11. I'm very impressed with the characterization for the Super Pal Trio--they remain in-character despite being in an altered state of consciousness where they'd be prone to act out of character. A+ name choice for the drug, it evokes the perfect image for the experience.
Watching Catra come unglued was oddly satisfying and equally disturbing. In conclusion, very well done.
Watching Catra come unglued was oddly satisfying and equally disturbing. In conclusion, very well done.
Is this Trainspotting at Etheria? º-º
I have to confess at first, everything seemed way off and felt a bit jarring, but it soon picks up and i knew what was happening,
I want to believe they are drugged out of their asses and they are just seeing flashy colors .. the feeling and emotion unnnh it made me so anxious >w<!!!!!! are they gonna be ok waaaaaah!!!!!
Was it just their imagination? did Catra really Claw off Scropias face :(
if nothing really happened then its all fun , reminded me of "fear and loathing in las vegas" movie
Unless its meant to be really REALLY happening,, Waah thats what woudl get me so Anxious >w<!!!!!!!!!
Also made me think fondly of Sealab 2021 Stimutacs episode LOL!!!!! <3
I have to confess at first, everything seemed way off and felt a bit jarring, but it soon picks up and i knew what was happening,
I want to believe they are drugged out of their asses and they are just seeing flashy colors .. the feeling and emotion unnnh it made me so anxious >w<!!!!!! are they gonna be ok waaaaaah!!!!!
Was it just their imagination? did Catra really Claw off Scropias face :(
if nothing really happened then its all fun , reminded me of "fear and loathing in las vegas" movie
Unless its meant to be really REALLY happening,, Waah thats what woudl get me so Anxious >w<!!!!!!!!!
Also made me think fondly of Sealab 2021 Stimutacs episode LOL!!!!! <3
took me a paragraph or two to figure out what exactly was happening in the story and sink into it, but all of that certainly did happen! the story fits the prompt quite literally, and the description of what a drug like DROSTE would do to the Super Pal Trio's general temperaments and mannerisms was very well done. oh, if only i could know whether everything that happened was simply catra hallucinating or if some parts of it were true!
i've already mentioned this in one way, but the beginning having more clarification would certainly help a reader to start enjoying it earlier. all in all, a good work :)
i've already mentioned this in one way, but the beginning having more clarification would certainly help a reader to start enjoying it earlier. all in all, a good work :)
I was hoping someone would do a literal take on "No rest for the weary"... But damn, I didn't expect it to be so visceral.
It's an intense and very well crafted story! I enjoyed how you chose to characterize the Super Pal Trio's psyches when they're pushed to the limit. Your casual narration style also juxtaposed the manic events really well... And the lack of build-up added a spontaneous feeling to Catra's decaying mental state. I think that helped to create a lot of surprising, and memorable moments. Personally, I couldn't get the image of Entrapta swallowing her tooth out of my mind, even while reading the other submissions.
All in all, an excellent fic. I would love to see any other expansions or content you come up with.
(Also, after reading the "Droste effect" on Wikipedia, I appreciated your choice for the name that much more)
It's an intense and very well crafted story! I enjoyed how you chose to characterize the Super Pal Trio's psyches when they're pushed to the limit. Your casual narration style also juxtaposed the manic events really well... And the lack of build-up added a spontaneous feeling to Catra's decaying mental state. I think that helped to create a lot of surprising, and memorable moments. Personally, I couldn't get the image of Entrapta swallowing her tooth out of my mind, even while reading the other submissions.
All in all, an excellent fic. I would love to see any other expansions or content you come up with.
(Also, after reading the "Droste effect" on Wikipedia, I appreciated your choice for the name that much more)
First time commenting on a She-Ra round, as I just finished watching the show. Since we have a lot of newcomers, I'll put this header on my comment for every story, since I don't know whether the new people will read the whole discussion thread or just the one for their story.
The write-offs were originally from the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fandom, which has an unusually high caliber of writing standards. Or at least it used to. Sure, there's plenty of bad stuff here, but when you attract that large an audience, you attract a proportionally large number of very good writers, and those tended to congregate in a couple of key places. One, in reviewing groups that helped writers develop, and two, in places like this, that at their best function more as a writing workshop than a competition.
Since I haven't actually started reading any of these as I write this intro, I'll say I don't know how the average writing quality of any given fandom compares to MLP, and it's possible that the critiques given by the MLP veterans will come across as harsh. That's not the intent. I wouldn't spend the 15-30 minutes it takes per minific for me to read, digest, and write up a response if I was just trying to be mean. We all really do intend to help you improve your writing.
I'll put all this above a break so people reading the whole thread will know where to skip down to on subsequent posts.
--------------------------------------------------------------
There's a little about the beginning that feels off. I like the imagery, but it leaves a few too many questions about what's actually happening.
Take the bit about the "hunter's reverie." What's Catra doing? Daydreaming? Watching something moving in the distance as if to track it? You just mention she's in one, but not what that is or how it makes her feel. Then you say Entrapta is sobbing in her perch. It's ambiguous who "her" is, though I think I can reasonably take it as Catra's. But "in" is a weird word to use with "perch." It suggests more a room, so perhaps where Catra lives, but then "perch" is a word I'd expect to see associated with a bird, not a cat. The reverie and perch also suggest she's sitting still, but then "patrol" connotes motion. So there's a fair amount of the language here that's a little off-putting and nebulous.
If "Bast" is defined somewhere in the show, I missed it.
I'm going to assume Entrapta is upset just by the concept of losing her tooth, since she's not acting like she's in pain. I'm curious why Catra tells her to stash the tooth instead of throwing it away, though. Do they have the capability to reattach a broken piece? Doesn't seem like they would.
I'm not a fan of embedding links, unless it's to material you made yourself (which would probably out you as the author, then), because it's getting someone else to do part of the story's work for you. I didn't follow it, so if I'm supposed to get something out of watching the video, I missed what.
I was confused about what actually happened when Catra hit Scorpia. The most obvious interpretation is that she clawed Scorpia and made her bleed, but the "her claws were loose" is a strange phrasing. To make that obvious interpretation work, it'd have to mean her claws were extended (versus retracted), and that's an odd word choice. Coupled with Entrapta losing her tooth, it made me wonder whether Catra's claws had similarly become brittle, so when she tried to slap Scorpia, her claws broke off, and it was her own blood she was leaving across Scorpia's face.
Overall, I like the story. It does a good job of creating a mood of characters who are having altered perceptions due to sleep deprivation or the effects of the drug and becoming unnerved by it. The characterizations are right on. It actually doesn't feel like it's straining against the word count, either, so you had space to address those issues I had with the opening paragraph.
Now, were you right at the word limit, I'd harp on this more, so this is only a suggestion, but I don't see the point in having Entrapta in the story. What happens to her could as easily happen to Scorpia as well. Or go the other direction: keep Entrapta, drop Scorpia, and have Entrapta be the one reacting as Scorpia does. This is a minor thing, though, since you did have the word space to use them all, they are an established team, and it allows you to treat the two as having slightly different reactions based on their personalities.
I wonder who made this DROSTE, though. Is it something the Horde had already? It's not obvious, which makes me think it's perhaps something Entrapta developed for them, in which case, she should know what its effects are.
Based on >>Lazer 's comment, I looked up Droste Effect, and while it's a cool thing, I'm not sure how it applies here. Are they in multiple levels of dream/dissociation from reality? I can't tell.
First one I've read, but this does keep up the quality I'd expect of the FiM crowd, so a good sign there. This was quite good, and it even sneaks in a kind of point, so it's not really an inconsequential scene, as minifics are prone to being.
The write-offs were originally from the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fandom, which has an unusually high caliber of writing standards. Or at least it used to. Sure, there's plenty of bad stuff here, but when you attract that large an audience, you attract a proportionally large number of very good writers, and those tended to congregate in a couple of key places. One, in reviewing groups that helped writers develop, and two, in places like this, that at their best function more as a writing workshop than a competition.
Since I haven't actually started reading any of these as I write this intro, I'll say I don't know how the average writing quality of any given fandom compares to MLP, and it's possible that the critiques given by the MLP veterans will come across as harsh. That's not the intent. I wouldn't spend the 15-30 minutes it takes per minific for me to read, digest, and write up a response if I was just trying to be mean. We all really do intend to help you improve your writing.
I'll put all this above a break so people reading the whole thread will know where to skip down to on subsequent posts.
--------------------------------------------------------------
There's a little about the beginning that feels off. I like the imagery, but it leaves a few too many questions about what's actually happening.
Take the bit about the "hunter's reverie." What's Catra doing? Daydreaming? Watching something moving in the distance as if to track it? You just mention she's in one, but not what that is or how it makes her feel. Then you say Entrapta is sobbing in her perch. It's ambiguous who "her" is, though I think I can reasonably take it as Catra's. But "in" is a weird word to use with "perch." It suggests more a room, so perhaps where Catra lives, but then "perch" is a word I'd expect to see associated with a bird, not a cat. The reverie and perch also suggest she's sitting still, but then "patrol" connotes motion. So there's a fair amount of the language here that's a little off-putting and nebulous.
If "Bast" is defined somewhere in the show, I missed it.
I'm going to assume Entrapta is upset just by the concept of losing her tooth, since she's not acting like she's in pain. I'm curious why Catra tells her to stash the tooth instead of throwing it away, though. Do they have the capability to reattach a broken piece? Doesn't seem like they would.
I'm not a fan of embedding links, unless it's to material you made yourself (which would probably out you as the author, then), because it's getting someone else to do part of the story's work for you. I didn't follow it, so if I'm supposed to get something out of watching the video, I missed what.
I was confused about what actually happened when Catra hit Scorpia. The most obvious interpretation is that she clawed Scorpia and made her bleed, but the "her claws were loose" is a strange phrasing. To make that obvious interpretation work, it'd have to mean her claws were extended (versus retracted), and that's an odd word choice. Coupled with Entrapta losing her tooth, it made me wonder whether Catra's claws had similarly become brittle, so when she tried to slap Scorpia, her claws broke off, and it was her own blood she was leaving across Scorpia's face.
Overall, I like the story. It does a good job of creating a mood of characters who are having altered perceptions due to sleep deprivation or the effects of the drug and becoming unnerved by it. The characterizations are right on. It actually doesn't feel like it's straining against the word count, either, so you had space to address those issues I had with the opening paragraph.
Now, were you right at the word limit, I'd harp on this more, so this is only a suggestion, but I don't see the point in having Entrapta in the story. What happens to her could as easily happen to Scorpia as well. Or go the other direction: keep Entrapta, drop Scorpia, and have Entrapta be the one reacting as Scorpia does. This is a minor thing, though, since you did have the word space to use them all, they are an established team, and it allows you to treat the two as having slightly different reactions based on their personalities.
I wonder who made this DROSTE, though. Is it something the Horde had already? It's not obvious, which makes me think it's perhaps something Entrapta developed for them, in which case, she should know what its effects are.
Based on >>Lazer 's comment, I looked up Droste Effect, and while it's a cool thing, I'm not sure how it applies here. Are they in multiple levels of dream/dissociation from reality? I can't tell.
First one I've read, but this does keep up the quality I'd expect of the FiM crowd, so a good sign there. This was quite good, and it even sneaks in a kind of point, so it's not really an inconsequential scene, as minifics are prone to being.
B-b-b-breakdown!
This was indeed as literal an interpretation of the prompt as I could. It all started with an image taken from a nightmare I had--a tooth breaking in my mouth and swallowing parts of it, inspired by my porcelain implants crumbling a bit as they settled into their final shape. Originally, the story opened post-battle with Glimmer having suffered a hit to the mouth that broke a tooth, but that didn't feel compelling enough. And so I decided to take a cue from the nightmare I had and make it like a nightmare.
As to why "everybody is on crazy drugs in the jungle" is The Thing Tha Happun, that was probably tickles of Jacob's Ladder in the back of my head. The drug's named DROSTE to show that the victims are trapped in an endless repeating cycle of images. (Also why Catra goes from "two days left" to "three." She's perpetually caught in a present with no past or future.) That said, future drafts are probably gonna expand a little bit to better illustrate the repetition they're caught in.
Alternate titles: Catra's Ladder; Unedited Footage of a Cat; This Jungle Has Hordesmen In It.
Originally, this ended with Catra explicitly murdering Scorpia (spoilered for those who don't want to read the gruesome original thing: murdering Scorpia via disembowelment), but besides toning it down as to not upset my new readerswithout building an unearned trust first I felt like giving it a little wiggle room for Scorpia to be okay, if scratched the hell out of.
I've got some plans for updating and slightly expanding this story to post elsewhere, but that's for you to read and me to write.
And for those wondering... the authorial intent is that nobody is hallucinating.
For those who really want to know the process of DROSTE: DROSTE works through some kind of vague super-science nerve acceleration that, theoretically, can reduce or remove fatigue in lieu of sleep or other forms of rest. Unfortunately, Catra and co. have found out that not only does it not work that well, it has horrible side effects: their nerves are slowly burning out entirely, visually manifesting as their eyes (and vision) darkening--thus Entrapta's confusion over how many days it's been--and their teeth rotting from the inside out--thus Entrapta's tooth falling apart in her mouth. And yes, it's also trapping their minds in a perpetual loop from around the middle of the DROSTE effect. It might not've been so bad if Catra didn't keep injecting people with more DROSTE to keep them from falling asleep. Don't blame her--it's the DROSTE talking. And no, none of that is strictly scientifically plausible (IIRC), but it's a science fantasy setting and it's spooky.
This was indeed as literal an interpretation of the prompt as I could. It all started with an image taken from a nightmare I had--a tooth breaking in my mouth and swallowing parts of it, inspired by my porcelain implants crumbling a bit as they settled into their final shape. Originally, the story opened post-battle with Glimmer having suffered a hit to the mouth that broke a tooth, but that didn't feel compelling enough. And so I decided to take a cue from the nightmare I had and make it like a nightmare.
As to why "everybody is on crazy drugs in the jungle" is The Thing Tha Happun, that was probably tickles of Jacob's Ladder in the back of my head. The drug's named DROSTE to show that the victims are trapped in an endless repeating cycle of images. (Also why Catra goes from "two days left" to "three." She's perpetually caught in a present with no past or future.) That said, future drafts are probably gonna expand a little bit to better illustrate the repetition they're caught in.
Alternate titles: Catra's Ladder; Unedited Footage of a Cat; This Jungle Has Hordesmen In It.
Originally, this ended with Catra explicitly murdering Scorpia (spoilered for those who don't want to read the gruesome original thing: murdering Scorpia via disembowelment), but besides toning it down as to not upset my new readers
I've got some plans for updating and slightly expanding this story to post elsewhere, but that's for you to read and me to write.
And for those wondering... the authorial intent is that nobody is hallucinating.
For those who really want to know the process of DROSTE: DROSTE works through some kind of vague super-science nerve acceleration that, theoretically, can reduce or remove fatigue in lieu of sleep or other forms of rest. Unfortunately, Catra and co. have found out that not only does it not work that well, it has horrible side effects: their nerves are slowly burning out entirely, visually manifesting as their eyes (and vision) darkening--thus Entrapta's confusion over how many days it's been--and their teeth rotting from the inside out--thus Entrapta's tooth falling apart in her mouth. And yes, it's also trapping their minds in a perpetual loop from around the middle of the DROSTE effect. It might not've been so bad if Catra didn't keep injecting people with more DROSTE to keep them from falling asleep. Don't blame her--it's the DROSTE talking. And no, none of that is strictly scientifically plausible (IIRC), but it's a science fantasy setting and it's spooky.