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Crash
Investigative reporter Sterling Silver chewed the end of his quill. "So, Miss Dash, I'd like to think the dust has settled by now. It has been a full year since the allegations surfaced. Have your thoughts on the matter changed in the meantime?"
"Have they changed? Tch." She rolled her eyes sluggishly, burying herself deeper into her cloud couch. "No. Why, have anypony else's?"
"Well, it's a prickly matter, as I'm sure you're aware. While there was never incontrovertible proof as to the extent of the Competitive Flying Commission's claims, you have to admit, the available evidence is... overwhelming. More than has been amassed against any other professional flyer in the history of—"
"Your point?" Dash scowled.
"Sorry. Point is, everypony who knows your name is convinced by now that you've indulged in performance-enhancing spells and potions. But they're no longer outraged like they were before, when the news first hit. I truly think your fans are willing to forgive you; they want to see their hero come back stronger than ever. But that's never going to happen, unless... you know... you begin to adopt a more contrite attitude about—"
"About what?" She shot up out of the couch, wings flapping. "About being slandered by my trainers and colleagues? About everything being blown totally out of proportion? About having ever record and achievement to my name stripped from history?" She threw her hooves out in exclamation. Her crazed eyes lingered over the trophies strewn out in decoration across the walls of her living room. Although the awards were officially rescinded, Sterling knew, most tournament officials had been loath to physically repossess them. Especially after the first few attempts went awry.
Slightly fearful, Sterling nonetheless ventured a lead: "For the record, if you still maintain your innocence, to what do you attribute the mountain of circumstantial evidence against you? The testimonies, the payoffs, the duped blood samples...?"
"How should I know? It's probably Wind Rider out to frame me again! Or Lightning Dust! Or Spitfire! She's always been jealous of my progress..."
"Actually, Sp—" Sterling thought better of reminding Dash that Spitfire had at one point been the last member of the Wonderbolts to maintain her protégée's innocence. "Never mind."
Rainbow managed to hold back her tears until the reporter had left. This much, at the least, she was proud of. Having vented all her anger, she now felt the familiar twinges in her chest that signaled the arrival of a much different emotion. In learned routine, Dash retired to her bedroom and drew the blinds closed.
"It's not your fault, Mom and Dad," she whispered to a family picture cradled between her hooves. "You didn't know the beast you were feeding. But sometimes, I just couldn't tell the difference between love and achievement, y'know?"
I just couldn't keep pace. My friends, fans, and family all demanded more of me. More than I could ever provide.
The more I won the more they expected of me. The worse of a mess I got into.
Just a little bit of aid here and there, and suddenly I was in a league where I couldn't compete without constantly being on gear.
The Element of Loyalty has betrayed all her fans. The icon of bravery is too cowardly to own up to it.
"Have they changed? Tch." She rolled her eyes sluggishly, burying herself deeper into her cloud couch. "No. Why, have anypony else's?"
"Well, it's a prickly matter, as I'm sure you're aware. While there was never incontrovertible proof as to the extent of the Competitive Flying Commission's claims, you have to admit, the available evidence is... overwhelming. More than has been amassed against any other professional flyer in the history of—"
"Your point?" Dash scowled.
"Sorry. Point is, everypony who knows your name is convinced by now that you've indulged in performance-enhancing spells and potions. But they're no longer outraged like they were before, when the news first hit. I truly think your fans are willing to forgive you; they want to see their hero come back stronger than ever. But that's never going to happen, unless... you know... you begin to adopt a more contrite attitude about—"
"About what?" She shot up out of the couch, wings flapping. "About being slandered by my trainers and colleagues? About everything being blown totally out of proportion? About having ever record and achievement to my name stripped from history?" She threw her hooves out in exclamation. Her crazed eyes lingered over the trophies strewn out in decoration across the walls of her living room. Although the awards were officially rescinded, Sterling knew, most tournament officials had been loath to physically repossess them. Especially after the first few attempts went awry.
Slightly fearful, Sterling nonetheless ventured a lead: "For the record, if you still maintain your innocence, to what do you attribute the mountain of circumstantial evidence against you? The testimonies, the payoffs, the duped blood samples...?"
"How should I know? It's probably Wind Rider out to frame me again! Or Lightning Dust! Or Spitfire! She's always been jealous of my progress..."
"Actually, Sp—" Sterling thought better of reminding Dash that Spitfire had at one point been the last member of the Wonderbolts to maintain her protégée's innocence. "Never mind."
Rainbow managed to hold back her tears until the reporter had left. This much, at the least, she was proud of. Having vented all her anger, she now felt the familiar twinges in her chest that signaled the arrival of a much different emotion. In learned routine, Dash retired to her bedroom and drew the blinds closed.
"It's not your fault, Mom and Dad," she whispered to a family picture cradled between her hooves. "You didn't know the beast you were feeding. But sometimes, I just couldn't tell the difference between love and achievement, y'know?"
I just couldn't keep pace. My friends, fans, and family all demanded more of me. More than I could ever provide.
The more I won the more they expected of me. The worse of a mess I got into.
Just a little bit of aid here and there, and suddenly I was in a league where I couldn't compete without constantly being on gear.
The Element of Loyalty has betrayed all her fans. The icon of bravery is too cowardly to own up to it.
Pics
This gives a pretty good perspective.
I hadn't considered before how RD would've grown up, especially considering how competitive/"gamified" her parents were. If all she's ever done was win, then she's never learned to lose.
Her need to win has consumed her entire life to where everything is about winning.
I hadn't considered before how RD would've grown up, especially considering how competitive/"gamified" her parents were. If all she's ever done was win, then she's never learned to lose.
Her need to win has consumed her entire life to where everything is about winning.
Only one review? Let's try to add some relevant points (I said 'try')
For the format, this does pretty good. The two parts set for a nice pace and a good contrast between dialog and inner thoughts. What you do with your premise sounds coherent with what we've seen from our favorite blue pegasus.
However, I can't buy the premise of this story. RD being a fraud all along? And not admitting it? While still being the Element of Loyalty? Not really believeable to me.
So yeah, despite some solid foundations, there is still one too weak for me.
For the format, this does pretty good. The two parts set for a nice pace and a good contrast between dialog and inner thoughts. What you do with your premise sounds coherent with what we've seen from our favorite blue pegasus.
However, I can't buy the premise of this story. RD being a fraud all along? And not admitting it? While still being the Element of Loyalty? Not really believeable to me.
So yeah, despite some solid foundations, there is still one too weak for me.
I like the idea here, Writer. The journalist feels like he’s leading Rainbow towards the way he’d like the story to go in a realistic manner, and I like how you’ve captured RD’s voice pretty well in the first section of this story.
As the second part goes on, though, it feels like her voicing drifts out of character a bit. It’s also odd that we hear none of RD’s internal monologue until the last four paragraphs, where suddenly it becomes nothing but. Also, it’s fine to end on a down note, but self-absorbed self-pity feels unsatisfying as a final line.
Still, Rainbow Dash suffering the fallout from a doping scandal, as told through an interview, is an interesting premise. Tweak that second part so it feels more cohesive with the first, and I think this could be a neat little story. Best of luck, Writer!
As the second part goes on, though, it feels like her voicing drifts out of character a bit. It’s also odd that we hear none of RD’s internal monologue until the last four paragraphs, where suddenly it becomes nothing but. Also, it’s fine to end on a down note, but self-absorbed self-pity feels unsatisfying as a final line.
Still, Rainbow Dash suffering the fallout from a doping scandal, as told through an interview, is an interesting premise. Tweak that second part so it feels more cohesive with the first, and I think this could be a neat little story. Best of luck, Writer!
Thank you for all your comments.
>>bloons3
This is exactly what I was going for, yeah. But in the end, I seemed to have missed the mark. More on that below.
>>Fenton
I felt there is indeed a lot of unexplained (in the story) distance between the confident and loyal Dash that we know from the show, and the broken down and fraudulent Dash in the second part of the story. But, with a little bit of creative license, I don't see why it should be unbelievable. We saw the ridiculous lengths that Dash went to in the earlier seasons just to cover up the fact that she liked Daring Do, in part including compulsive denial. And that was over a dumb little book, the enjoyment of which would constitute at most a slightly embarrassing blemish to her pride. When it came to something that (in her and most other ponies' eyes) would dismantle the most powerful engine for her pride—that is, her flying ability—I can see how she might lock up permanently in a state of denial, especially when she has had next to no experience dealing with letting others down in that regard.
Granted, I would have liked to actually explore these ramifications and justifications in the story rather than leave them implicit, but a short story has to leave details out. I suppose I didn't leave the right ones out.
>>Icenrose
Most of my reply to Fenton can relate to what you said about "her voicing drifting out of character" in the second part. Though, I admit I don't understand why you find it odd that the second part is filled with internal monologue. After all, the first part is written from the perspective of the interviewer, who knows nothing about Dash's inner thoughts, whereas the second part is written from Dash's perspective whilst meditating alone.
Again, thank you all greatly for your feedback, but in light of how poorly this fic actually placed, I think I have to accuse you guys of offering me pity compliments. After the fact, I don't know whether to interpret your input as genuinely contradictory to those who voted down my story, or as merely trying to say "this story is trite and forgettable" in a more polite way. If I just keep getting mild comments that "maybe this element feels off to me" but my writing still suffers from easily identifiable weaknesses, well, I'm never going to get better.
>>bloons3
This is exactly what I was going for, yeah. But in the end, I seemed to have missed the mark. More on that below.
>>Fenton
I felt there is indeed a lot of unexplained (in the story) distance between the confident and loyal Dash that we know from the show, and the broken down and fraudulent Dash in the second part of the story. But, with a little bit of creative license, I don't see why it should be unbelievable. We saw the ridiculous lengths that Dash went to in the earlier seasons just to cover up the fact that she liked Daring Do, in part including compulsive denial. And that was over a dumb little book, the enjoyment of which would constitute at most a slightly embarrassing blemish to her pride. When it came to something that (in her and most other ponies' eyes) would dismantle the most powerful engine for her pride—that is, her flying ability—I can see how she might lock up permanently in a state of denial, especially when she has had next to no experience dealing with letting others down in that regard.
Granted, I would have liked to actually explore these ramifications and justifications in the story rather than leave them implicit, but a short story has to leave details out. I suppose I didn't leave the right ones out.
>>Icenrose
Most of my reply to Fenton can relate to what you said about "her voicing drifting out of character" in the second part. Though, I admit I don't understand why you find it odd that the second part is filled with internal monologue. After all, the first part is written from the perspective of the interviewer, who knows nothing about Dash's inner thoughts, whereas the second part is written from Dash's perspective whilst meditating alone.
Again, thank you all greatly for your feedback, but in light of how poorly this fic actually placed, I think I have to accuse you guys of offering me pity compliments. After the fact, I don't know whether to interpret your input as genuinely contradictory to those who voted down my story, or as merely trying to say "this story is trite and forgettable" in a more polite way. If I just keep getting mild comments that "maybe this element feels off to me" but my writing still suffers from easily identifiable weaknesses, well, I'm never going to get better.
>>Paracompact
Sorry, I should clarify - I thought it was odd in the second part that it cuts from narration and RD whispering to herself to nothing but internal monologue, eschewing narration entirely. It felt jarring to switch from one to the other without any other narration or outside details to break it up a bit before ending the story.
Sorry, I should clarify - I thought it was odd in the second part that it cuts from narration and RD whispering to herself to nothing but internal monologue, eschewing narration entirely. It felt jarring to switch from one to the other without any other narration or outside details to break it up a bit before ending the story.
I think I have to accuse you guys of offering me pity compliments
I would urge you to try keeping some perspective on that story placement. There are four hundred authors in the FIM scoreboard, and even where your entry landed, you placed ahead of entries by three authors in the top 15. (Including the only entry by a multiple-time medalist and professional author.)
Everyone in the Writeoffs turns in stories in which — even if the story as a whole is weaker than the finalists/winners — there's something to like. And an overall good impression from a reader doesn't guarantee that you're on top of their slate. If they like everything on it, they have to make hard choices about which ones they like more.
Could readers be offering more critical feedback? Maybe. I agree that that's how we improve. But "mild comments that maybe this element feels off to me" are still critiques; at minimum they're alerting you to the sections of the story which do feel off, and you can use that as an opportunity to ask for clarification afterward, or run those elements past an editor for a second opinion.
And just for another data point — a few rounds back, Paint it Black scored 26th out of 36 — that's a ranking of 29%, basically identical to this entry's. I posted it more or less unedited to FIMFiction, where it's got a vote ratio of 171:4.
It's fair to ask reviewers to be more aggressive about a story's faults, but a low ranking doesn't automatically mean something's trash.
>>Paracompact
I may not have made myself clear enough, though I don't know how I could have, so let's try to put it in other words.
When I say that I can't buy the premise, it means that you didn't do enough to sell me the idea (and I insist on the fact that it's selling the idea to me and only me). And I can't totally blame you since you don't really have words to spare.
However, what you did with your premise is quite good, as I said. And that made you gained some points for me. I try my hardest to rank story first according to their "objective" qualities, and secondly according to my likings.
I don't really remember where I put yours (and since we can't see our votes at the moment, I can't screen it for you), but if you really want it, I can send it to you once it is back.
>>horizon
True indeed, however I'm often confused on how the ranking and voting system works. Does having more people ranking your entry makes it gain more points? Or is it the opposite?
I've seen a lot of great entries not passing the prelims before, but usually I could guess why they didn't. This time, I got the feeling that there are several of them; Paracompact isn't the only one surprised by how his entry was ranked. Even I commented on how low CoffeeMinion's entry placed.
I may not have made myself clear enough, though I don't know how I could have, so let's try to put it in other words.
When I say that I can't buy the premise, it means that you didn't do enough to sell me the idea (and I insist on the fact that it's selling the idea to me and only me). And I can't totally blame you since you don't really have words to spare.
However, what you did with your premise is quite good, as I said. And that made you gained some points for me. I try my hardest to rank story first according to their "objective" qualities, and secondly according to my likings.
I don't really remember where I put yours (and since we can't see our votes at the moment, I can't screen it for you), but if you really want it, I can send it to you once it is back.
>>horizon
a low ranking doesn't automatically mean something's trash.
True indeed, however I'm often confused on how the ranking and voting system works. Does having more people ranking your entry makes it gain more points? Or is it the opposite?
I've seen a lot of great entries not passing the prelims before, but usually I could guess why they didn't. This time, I got the feeling that there are several of them; Paracompact isn't the only one surprised by how his entry was ranked. Even I commented on how low CoffeeMinion's entry placed.
>>Fenton
The "Ranking" — the percentage shown next to each story on your Writeoff user page — is just a number between 0% and 100% based on which place your work got in the final listing. 1st place gets 100%. Last place gets 0%. The remaining entries are equally spaced between them, so if there are 5 entries, going from 1st to 5th --> 100%, 75%, 50%, 25%, 0%.
It's kiiiiind of related to your score. At a first approximation, it's the percentage of "available points" that round which you scored. (Look at the score for first place, and you should be close to X% of that.) If I remember correctly, though, scores degrade non-linearly; and also multiple entries get assigned a penalty so that they can go negative if low-ranked enough.
Still, ranking is useful in that a story ranking 29% means it did better than 29% of all other entries.
I'm often confused on how the ranking and voting system works. Does having more people ranking your entry makes it gain more points? Or is it the opposite?
The "Ranking" — the percentage shown next to each story on your Writeoff user page — is just a number between 0% and 100% based on which place your work got in the final listing. 1st place gets 100%. Last place gets 0%. The remaining entries are equally spaced between them, so if there are 5 entries, going from 1st to 5th --> 100%, 75%, 50%, 25%, 0%.
It's kiiiiind of related to your score. At a first approximation, it's the percentage of "available points" that round which you scored. (Look at the score for first place, and you should be close to X% of that.) If I remember correctly, though, scores degrade non-linearly; and also multiple entries get assigned a penalty so that they can go negative if low-ranked enough.
Still, ranking is useful in that a story ranking 29% means it did better than 29% of all other entries.