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The Light in the Dark
Reina opened her eyes, and everything went dark. Rubbing her eyes to adjust, she could make out faint details, though her nose gave her a better idea. The smell of Pine hung thick in the air.
“What is this place?” She asked herself.
A soft light glowed a few meters ahead of her. Squinting, she made out a shape of a lean, hooded figure. He stood motionless, holding up a lantern.
Chills ran down her spine.
“Come,” said the stranger “Your future needs mending"
The dark feeling that paralyzed her withered away. There was something odd about his voice. The familiar tone unnerved her, soothing and calm like a siren.
She felt a draw towards him. She snapped out of the trance and took a step back.
“I wouldn't do that,” He stated darkly, advancing quickly towards her.
She swerved to run the opposite direction
She felt a sharp pain searing her right ankle and rushing up her spine. Stars raced underneath her eyelids as she squeezed them shut. She grit her teeth.
Before she could scream, she felt a hand covering her mouth “Sh… you don't want it to sense us” The calm tone slowed down the beating of her heart.
He stretched his free hand down to her ankle and murmured something under his breath. He slowly lifted his hands “There, take that as a token that I mean no harm”
He could read minds, she thought. She wanted to ask questions, but none in her mind formed a cohesive sentence. All she could make out is “What is after us?”
She heard a low growl, then her voice echoing back through the groaning trees “What is after us?”
He flashed a nervous and shy smile “Nothing to worry about. Just follow me little while more" He motioned to the trail ahead, the lantern light glittering on the rocks.
She wanted to hesitate again, but the warning he gave, ominous. The groaning of the trees behind her, ominous. Then again, if he meant any harm, why would he bother healing her ankle? Maybe he was the one causing the troubles. Counter, there was something familiar to him- she could sense no malevolence. After all, he lead the way. She sighed. She took a step towards the trail.
“There we are, that's better.” He pulled up his hoodie.
“Dad?” she recognized his face, but it was something she seen in a photograph, when he was about her age.
“Impossible!”
He covered his mouth with his pointer finger “Shhh.”
“We’re almost there” He stated.
Reina didn't respond. Her confusion mixed with the feeling that the something “it" was following them. She didn't bother to look back. Neither did her father give permission to. She didn't want to find out what happened if she did.
“Sorry, I told you a half-truth earlier,” He said “It's nothing to worry about, as long as you don't feed it.”
“What?” She finally mustered in a whisper. “Why would I feed it?”
“It's blind, it cannot see us." He glanced back, a nick of anxiety pierced his stalwart face “You're feeding it though”
A howl disrupted the quiet of the forest.
“Dad, you're scaring me, where are we?” Reina shuddered.
“You'll see, just remember, don't continue feeding it,” He set down the lantern at a monolith jutting rock. It was metallic, giving off a dull glow on one face of the skinny, towering stone. On the other, a sharp, crystal clear image of the lantern.
“Close your eyes,” He instructed “This is a Blind Stone"
She recalled the family legend. She placed her hand on the stone and slowly closed her eyes.
“That's my girl,”
An image of her standing at the stone appeared, two reflections, clear as day appeared before her. One older, uncertainty hanging in her smile. One younger, regret thick on her face.
She reached into her mind, scattering the dissonant thoughts occupying it. She replaced those thoughts with happy memories and dreams, drawing from the younger reflection. The older reflection howled in agony as the form shifted. Reina didn't even flinch. She knew what would happen if she did- her father warned her. Don't feed it.
The older molded into a happier, gray version of herself, content, somewhat mischievous looking in her smile. She stepped into the mirror and heard her father's words “well done, your future is mended”
...then she stepped away from the mirror and marveled at the sunrise just outside her bedroom window.
“What is this place?” She asked herself.
A soft light glowed a few meters ahead of her. Squinting, she made out a shape of a lean, hooded figure. He stood motionless, holding up a lantern.
Chills ran down her spine.
“Come,” said the stranger “Your future needs mending"
The dark feeling that paralyzed her withered away. There was something odd about his voice. The familiar tone unnerved her, soothing and calm like a siren.
She felt a draw towards him. She snapped out of the trance and took a step back.
“I wouldn't do that,” He stated darkly, advancing quickly towards her.
She swerved to run the opposite direction
She felt a sharp pain searing her right ankle and rushing up her spine. Stars raced underneath her eyelids as she squeezed them shut. She grit her teeth.
Before she could scream, she felt a hand covering her mouth “Sh… you don't want it to sense us” The calm tone slowed down the beating of her heart.
He stretched his free hand down to her ankle and murmured something under his breath. He slowly lifted his hands “There, take that as a token that I mean no harm”
He could read minds, she thought. She wanted to ask questions, but none in her mind formed a cohesive sentence. All she could make out is “What is after us?”
She heard a low growl, then her voice echoing back through the groaning trees “What is after us?”
He flashed a nervous and shy smile “Nothing to worry about. Just follow me little while more" He motioned to the trail ahead, the lantern light glittering on the rocks.
She wanted to hesitate again, but the warning he gave, ominous. The groaning of the trees behind her, ominous. Then again, if he meant any harm, why would he bother healing her ankle? Maybe he was the one causing the troubles. Counter, there was something familiar to him- she could sense no malevolence. After all, he lead the way. She sighed. She took a step towards the trail.
“There we are, that's better.” He pulled up his hoodie.
“Dad?” she recognized his face, but it was something she seen in a photograph, when he was about her age.
“Impossible!”
He covered his mouth with his pointer finger “Shhh.”
“We’re almost there” He stated.
Reina didn't respond. Her confusion mixed with the feeling that the something “it" was following them. She didn't bother to look back. Neither did her father give permission to. She didn't want to find out what happened if she did.
“Sorry, I told you a half-truth earlier,” He said “It's nothing to worry about, as long as you don't feed it.”
“What?” She finally mustered in a whisper. “Why would I feed it?”
“It's blind, it cannot see us." He glanced back, a nick of anxiety pierced his stalwart face “You're feeding it though”
A howl disrupted the quiet of the forest.
“Dad, you're scaring me, where are we?” Reina shuddered.
“You'll see, just remember, don't continue feeding it,” He set down the lantern at a monolith jutting rock. It was metallic, giving off a dull glow on one face of the skinny, towering stone. On the other, a sharp, crystal clear image of the lantern.
“Close your eyes,” He instructed “This is a Blind Stone"
She recalled the family legend. She placed her hand on the stone and slowly closed her eyes.
“That's my girl,”
An image of her standing at the stone appeared, two reflections, clear as day appeared before her. One older, uncertainty hanging in her smile. One younger, regret thick on her face.
She reached into her mind, scattering the dissonant thoughts occupying it. She replaced those thoughts with happy memories and dreams, drawing from the younger reflection. The older reflection howled in agony as the form shifted. Reina didn't even flinch. She knew what would happen if she did- her father warned her. Don't feed it.
The older molded into a happier, gray version of herself, content, somewhat mischievous looking in her smile. She stepped into the mirror and heard her father's words “well done, your future is mended”
...then she stepped away from the mirror and marveled at the sunrise just outside her bedroom window.
Soooo... she knew what was going on?
And she didn't share it with us?
I'm kind of lost. There was some sort of family legend that involved time travel, but also some kind of beast that is fed... metaphorically? Maybe it feeds on fear, or negative emotions, but you'd think that the guy would at least tell her how to not feed it. Maybe that would have helped the reader as well.
There was an awful lot in this story that was just left unsaid. How did she hurt her ankle? How did he heal it? Did she step in a bear trap or just twist her ankle on a rock?
I'm not sure how she... "mended" her future. She just saw a reflection of her older self and... replaced it with a happier version? I don't know.
It seems like there's a lot here, but it's just out of reach of the reader.
And she didn't share it with us?
I'm kind of lost. There was some sort of family legend that involved time travel, but also some kind of beast that is fed... metaphorically? Maybe it feeds on fear, or negative emotions, but you'd think that the guy would at least tell her how to not feed it. Maybe that would have helped the reader as well.
There was an awful lot in this story that was just left unsaid. How did she hurt her ankle? How did he heal it? Did she step in a bear trap or just twist her ankle on a rock?
I'm not sure how she... "mended" her future. She just saw a reflection of her older self and... replaced it with a happier version? I don't know.
It seems like there's a lot here, but it's just out of reach of the reader.
I'm in the same boat as Hap, and I'll be shocked if you end up with any comments that don't involve the reader wondering just what was going on. Hap even got further than I could—since the story doesn't explain much of anything to me, there's nothing to ground me in the scene. I need some sort of rule or some sort of backstory or at least having the narrator being as confused as I am, because as is, I can't get my feet wet in your story.
What it really boils down to is that this probably would have been easier to write in the short story round. A smaller idea would have been easier for you here.
Also, the dialogue tags are a bit of a mess here. The words immediately following the dialogue shouldn't be capitalized, except when someone's name is used, and some commas are missing from the ends of certain lines. Also, the "Impossible!" looks like it shouldn't follow a line break. Reina is saying that, yes? If this was simply a rush job then no biggie, but I just thought I'd point it out.
Thanks for writing!
What it really boils down to is that this probably would have been easier to write in the short story round. A smaller idea would have been easier for you here.
Also, the dialogue tags are a bit of a mess here. The words immediately following the dialogue shouldn't be capitalized, except when someone's name is used, and some commas are missing from the ends of certain lines. Also, the "Impossible!" looks like it shouldn't follow a line break. Reina is saying that, yes? If this was simply a rush job then no biggie, but I just thought I'd point it out.
Thanks for writing!
In fact I couldn’t make neither heads nor tails of that story. It is… puzzling? Most of all it lacks context: what is clear for you, author, is not necessarily clear for us, readers, because we don’t share the same amount of information. Who is the girl? Why is her father here? What is his role? What’s the whole process about anyway?
Furthermore, one could argue this is more a scene from a story than a story itself. That, in a way, jibes with what I said before: we lack context. Neither protagonists are sufficiently well characterized, so it’s difficult to root for them.
It’s like seeing an obscure excerpt of a movie you’ve never seen. It will leave you mostly unmoved.
There is evidence throughout that this piece has been written by a rookie. My best advice would be: carry on! You’re in the good path!
Furthermore, one could argue this is more a scene from a story than a story itself. That, in a way, jibes with what I said before: we lack context. Neither protagonists are sufficiently well characterized, so it’s difficult to root for them.
It’s like seeing an obscure excerpt of a movie you’ve never seen. It will leave you mostly unmoved.
There is evidence throughout that this piece has been written by a rookie. My best advice would be: carry on! You’re in the good path!
Reply to Reviews-
So, maybe a little better, since the scoreboard placed me second to last (penultimate, I reckon?). Eh, it's not much.
Looking at the results, I prefer to stay hidden, but BlueChameleonVI hunted me down like H.O.W.L. now I'm Salsa. :Raritydespair:
Sorry I didn't get around to replying earlier, I was busy, but thank goodness I had time to get my votes in. Also, if this sounds flat like the rest of my writing, forgive me.
>>Hap
Sorry it was confusing. 750 words ain't too much to work with. It was definitely one to experiment with, but now I know.
Just for the record, the ankle was twisted on a rock. Also, you pointed out on “how do you not feed it?” something that didn't occur to me while creating this. Thanks! Now I know that to cover all possible questions that will help the reader understand, but at the same time, leave out others so the reader can fill it in with implications.
You helped me solve one of my biggest problems! Or led me onto the path to solve it! Thanks so much!
>>Miller Minus
Yes… that darned dialogue tagging… no less than my tracks. It gave away my anonymity easy. So, after looking from the Fimfiction help, I need something a little more defined to help correct dialogue tags. Do you know a good one I can go to?
I also agree that this would've been better on the Short Story round rather than the Minific round. So, with a better idea of how long 750 words is, I can move on!
Thanks for reading! (In reply to your last line).
>>Monokeras
Your last line… Thank you so much!
Yes, again, I must say, this wasn't a good batch due to the story lacking context. The readers need rooting, one that this piece lost space for.
So, with the long list of rookie mistakes you can point out, what is the number one mistake rookies run across that I should look out for? I want to get the hunters off my trail, and to do so, I need a lot more practice.
-Final Remarks
Again, thanks to everyone who read this. By the comments, I could tell it was a painful read.
As for this piece, it will go into my hopechest drawer along with the other pieces. It's not completely trashed, though it needs a lot of work.
So, maybe a little better, since the scoreboard placed me second to last (penultimate, I reckon?). Eh, it's not much.
Looking at the results, I prefer to stay hidden, but BlueChameleonVI hunted me down like H.O.W.L. now I'm Salsa. :Raritydespair:
Sorry I didn't get around to replying earlier, I was busy, but thank goodness I had time to get my votes in. Also, if this sounds flat like the rest of my writing, forgive me.
>>Hap
Sorry it was confusing. 750 words ain't too much to work with. It was definitely one to experiment with, but now I know.
Just for the record, the ankle was twisted on a rock. Also, you pointed out on “how do you not feed it?” something that didn't occur to me while creating this. Thanks! Now I know that to cover all possible questions that will help the reader understand, but at the same time, leave out others so the reader can fill it in with implications.
You helped me solve one of my biggest problems! Or led me onto the path to solve it! Thanks so much!
>>Miller Minus
Yes… that darned dialogue tagging… no less than my tracks. It gave away my anonymity easy. So, after looking from the Fimfiction help, I need something a little more defined to help correct dialogue tags. Do you know a good one I can go to?
I also agree that this would've been better on the Short Story round rather than the Minific round. So, with a better idea of how long 750 words is, I can move on!
Thanks for reading! (In reply to your last line).
>>Monokeras
Your last line… Thank you so much!
Yes, again, I must say, this wasn't a good batch due to the story lacking context. The readers need rooting, one that this piece lost space for.
So, with the long list of rookie mistakes you can point out, what is the number one mistake rookies run across that I should look out for? I want to get the hunters off my trail, and to do so, I need a lot more practice.
-Final Remarks
Again, thanks to everyone who read this. By the comments, I could tell it was a painful read.
As for this piece, it will go into my hope
>>PinoyPony
Thank you again for entering the contest! I didn't find your story to be painful at all, for the record.
Here's a resource for you as requested.
Thank you again for entering the contest! I didn't find your story to be painful at all, for the record.
Here's a resource for you as requested.
>>PinoyPony
Seven hundred fifty words is not kind to anyone.
Nobody can think of all the questions that readers will have, and it's impossible for you to realize where your own blind spots are (or, rather where you can see what the reader cannot). That's why it's essential to get input from someone else! The #mentors channel in the discord server is very helpful. Try to get your story done early enough to get feedback on it.
And the balance between mystery, letting readers figure it out, and spelling it out for them... Well, that's a fine line that many of us fall on the wrong side of more often than not.
While many of us like to think of ourselves as clever, subtle writers... we are pretty dumb readers. The symbolism, or subtext, or trail of clues may seem obvious to you, but it probably won't be to the readers.
Good luck, and I look forward to unknowingly reading your next entry!
Seven hundred fifty words is not kind to anyone.
Nobody can think of all the questions that readers will have, and it's impossible for you to realize where your own blind spots are (or, rather where you can see what the reader cannot). That's why it's essential to get input from someone else! The #mentors channel in the discord server is very helpful. Try to get your story done early enough to get feedback on it.
And the balance between mystery, letting readers figure it out, and spelling it out for them... Well, that's a fine line that many of us fall on the wrong side of more often than not.
While many of us like to think of ourselves as clever, subtle writers... we are pretty dumb readers. The symbolism, or subtext, or trail of clues may seem obvious to you, but it probably won't be to the readers.
Good luck, and I look forward to unknowingly reading your next entry!