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The Way She Howls
“Dear,” Alexander said, “we need to talk.”
Mindy froze halfway through biting into her sandwich. She was sitting at their little kitchen table, with her bread, the meat, peanut butter, regular butter, bananas, pickles, anchovies, and no shirt, because it was her house and she could show off her tits any time she well pleased.
Slowly, watching Alexander all the while, she finished taking her bite. Then she chewed.
“Do you have to mock me every time I try to be serious?” he frowned and crossed his arms, leaning against the refrigerator.
“Shhh.” She mouthed the words around her food. “Relationship drama can only see motion. If you stand perfectly still it can’t detect you.”
“I realized something last night.” He pushed ahead, his tone firm. “You’re vocal during sex. Really—”
“Are you just realizing that?” Her hand rushed up to cover her mouth, eyes wide. “That must be very—”
“Really vocal,” he rose her voice to speak over her, “when the lights are off. When the lights are off you scream like a banshee and shout ‘yes, oh god yes,’ among other delightful phrases. But when the lights are on, like last night, you’re quiet. And then you say, ‘that was good sex,’ and go to sleep.”
“But it was good sex.”
“I know it was good sex. That’s not what I’m getting at.” He gestured at the table. “Mindy, do you think I’m ugly?”
“Oh! I get it.” She laughed. “Yes. Yes. You look like crap.”
Then she went back to her sandwich. Alexander stared at her until she mumbled, “What?” around another mouthful.
His brow furrowed and his voice rose: “How can you say that?”
“You eyes aren’t the same color! One’s this nice blue and the others, uh… I don’t know. Brownish grey?” Her tone was light and friendly, and she did nothing to rise to his bait. “You’re covered in acne scars from when you were a teenager, your nose is way too big, and I have no idea how this happened, but you actually have too many teeth. You remember we talked to the dentist about this. Humans aren’t supposed to have that many little teeth.”
“Oh, fine. Fine!” His tone to outright anger and he threw up a hand. “This is a great fucking thing to discover a year into our marriage.”
“Dear, you have a mirror, this cannot be a surprise.” She wiped her mouth, put the sandwich down, and turned to face him head on. “Look, let me be clear. Personality wise, you’re a winner across the board: smart, faithful, funny, resourceful. A+.” She clicked her tongue and made a circle with her fingers. “But physically, you’ve got strong areas and weak areas.”
Alexander snorted. “Oh and my looks are my weak area, is that it?”
“Yes.” She laughed and shook her head. “Look, do you know how many guys would like to be able to make their girlfriend grip the sheets like that at all? In the light or the dark? You are really good in bed. Like,” she drew in a breath, “really good.”
“So I only look good from the waist down.”
“Being good in bed is not just about having a big dick.” She paused. “I mean to be clear, you do, and I greatly enjoy that. But you’re coordinated, you’re sensitive, you know my body. And dear, I promise, with you I have never faked it. When I’m gripping the sheets and screaming for god almighty, it’s because all the joy and pleasure in heaven is concentrated right between my legs.”
Gesturing quickly, she went on: “You’re like a superhero. You know how Daredevil is deaf, so he compensates with amazing hearing? Well, you’re ugly, so you compensate with the power to induce multiple body-rocking orgasms.” She lifted a finger. “Or you’re like Superman! If instead of kryptonite his weakness was adequate light.”
“Should have stopped one example earlier.”
“Sorry.” Mindy sighed. She slowed her voice, “Is this… actually bothering you?”
“A little.” He sighed as well. After a moment, he crossed the gap between them and laid a soft kiss on her lips. “I guess it doesn’t matter.”
“It really doesn’t.” She smiled. “But if it makes you feel better, you can make fun of how I look.”
“You’re pregnant.”
“That’s great material! Call me fat.”
“Eh.” He shrugged. “Nomoreso than before.”
And that’s why that night, Alexander slept on the couch. Just in case his wife came by, he kept the lights off.
Mindy froze halfway through biting into her sandwich. She was sitting at their little kitchen table, with her bread, the meat, peanut butter, regular butter, bananas, pickles, anchovies, and no shirt, because it was her house and she could show off her tits any time she well pleased.
Slowly, watching Alexander all the while, she finished taking her bite. Then she chewed.
“Do you have to mock me every time I try to be serious?” he frowned and crossed his arms, leaning against the refrigerator.
“Shhh.” She mouthed the words around her food. “Relationship drama can only see motion. If you stand perfectly still it can’t detect you.”
“I realized something last night.” He pushed ahead, his tone firm. “You’re vocal during sex. Really—”
“Are you just realizing that?” Her hand rushed up to cover her mouth, eyes wide. “That must be very—”
“Really vocal,” he rose her voice to speak over her, “when the lights are off. When the lights are off you scream like a banshee and shout ‘yes, oh god yes,’ among other delightful phrases. But when the lights are on, like last night, you’re quiet. And then you say, ‘that was good sex,’ and go to sleep.”
“But it was good sex.”
“I know it was good sex. That’s not what I’m getting at.” He gestured at the table. “Mindy, do you think I’m ugly?”
“Oh! I get it.” She laughed. “Yes. Yes. You look like crap.”
Then she went back to her sandwich. Alexander stared at her until she mumbled, “What?” around another mouthful.
His brow furrowed and his voice rose: “How can you say that?”
“You eyes aren’t the same color! One’s this nice blue and the others, uh… I don’t know. Brownish grey?” Her tone was light and friendly, and she did nothing to rise to his bait. “You’re covered in acne scars from when you were a teenager, your nose is way too big, and I have no idea how this happened, but you actually have too many teeth. You remember we talked to the dentist about this. Humans aren’t supposed to have that many little teeth.”
“Oh, fine. Fine!” His tone to outright anger and he threw up a hand. “This is a great fucking thing to discover a year into our marriage.”
“Dear, you have a mirror, this cannot be a surprise.” She wiped her mouth, put the sandwich down, and turned to face him head on. “Look, let me be clear. Personality wise, you’re a winner across the board: smart, faithful, funny, resourceful. A+.” She clicked her tongue and made a circle with her fingers. “But physically, you’ve got strong areas and weak areas.”
Alexander snorted. “Oh and my looks are my weak area, is that it?”
“Yes.” She laughed and shook her head. “Look, do you know how many guys would like to be able to make their girlfriend grip the sheets like that at all? In the light or the dark? You are really good in bed. Like,” she drew in a breath, “really good.”
“So I only look good from the waist down.”
“Being good in bed is not just about having a big dick.” She paused. “I mean to be clear, you do, and I greatly enjoy that. But you’re coordinated, you’re sensitive, you know my body. And dear, I promise, with you I have never faked it. When I’m gripping the sheets and screaming for god almighty, it’s because all the joy and pleasure in heaven is concentrated right between my legs.”
Gesturing quickly, she went on: “You’re like a superhero. You know how Daredevil is deaf, so he compensates with amazing hearing? Well, you’re ugly, so you compensate with the power to induce multiple body-rocking orgasms.” She lifted a finger. “Or you’re like Superman! If instead of kryptonite his weakness was adequate light.”
“Should have stopped one example earlier.”
“Sorry.” Mindy sighed. She slowed her voice, “Is this… actually bothering you?”
“A little.” He sighed as well. After a moment, he crossed the gap between them and laid a soft kiss on her lips. “I guess it doesn’t matter.”
“It really doesn’t.” She smiled. “But if it makes you feel better, you can make fun of how I look.”
“You’re pregnant.”
“That’s great material! Call me fat.”
“Eh.” He shrugged. “Nomoreso than before.”
And that’s why that night, Alexander slept on the couch. Just in case his wife came by, he kept the lights off.
One of the risks of writing sex comedy is that the story will become nothing but an examination of the sexual acts themselves, instead of focusing on the characters doing the sexual acts. Fortunately, this tale doesn’t fall into that trap; Mindy and Alexander are both distinguishable characters, and seeing how their liaisons affect their relationship gives the story more heft. The comedy is still there and it is amusing, but it’s in aid of the central conflict (Mindy and Alexander’s sexual compatibility) without becoming the totality of the piece’s content. I also enjoyed the characters of Mindy and Alexander. They were definitely different, but there was a good chemistry between them that allowed me to believe they’d get married. As far as the comedy goes, the ending itself was the funniest part for me. Seeing Mindy’s frankness get turned on her gave the piece a decidedly karmic tone, and the fact Alexander ends knowing that she’ll still come back to him gives the story a playful edge. The argument was serious to a degree, but there’s an undertone of foreplay to it as well.
There were some things that didn’t quite mesh for me, however. For one, there were a few points where Mindy came off a tad unsympathetic. I get she’s supposed to be the more free-spirited of the two, but there came a point where her honesty felt way out of line with the caring side she supposedly had (i.e. calling Alexander ugly, then saying it shouldn’t be a surprise since he had a mirror). There’s “playful insults”, and then there’s just straight-up insults. And as Alexander said, the fact she didn’t mention this for at least over a year makes this decidedly more cruel; how would you like to marry somebody that thinks you’re ugly, and didn’t tell you so until long into your relationship?
I also thought this line was weird:
I actually reread the story to make sure I wasn’t missing some kind of clue that Mindy was a siren or some other mystical creature. Saying “humans” instead of “people” or some other bland signifier made it seem like Mindy was hinting she wasn’t human herself. That wasn’t the case, but the wording is still pretty odd.
All in all, this story was a decent sex comedy. It gave me a few chuckles, as well as a few interesting characters. For that, I’d say that it was mostly successful.
There were some things that didn’t quite mesh for me, however. For one, there were a few points where Mindy came off a tad unsympathetic. I get she’s supposed to be the more free-spirited of the two, but there came a point where her honesty felt way out of line with the caring side she supposedly had (i.e. calling Alexander ugly, then saying it shouldn’t be a surprise since he had a mirror). There’s “playful insults”, and then there’s just straight-up insults. And as Alexander said, the fact she didn’t mention this for at least over a year makes this decidedly more cruel; how would you like to marry somebody that thinks you’re ugly, and didn’t tell you so until long into your relationship?
I also thought this line was weird:
"You remember we talked to the dentist about this. Humans aren’t supposed to have that many little teeth."
I actually reread the story to make sure I wasn’t missing some kind of clue that Mindy was a siren or some other mystical creature. Saying “humans” instead of “people” or some other bland signifier made it seem like Mindy was hinting she wasn’t human herself. That wasn’t the case, but the wording is still pretty odd.
All in all, this story was a decent sex comedy. It gave me a few chuckles, as well as a few interesting characters. For that, I’d say that it was mostly successful.
Mostly agree with >>libertydude. This is fun to read, and though it is explicit, it’s never vulgar or squalid, so that makes for a good read.
I'd say, however, that it is a bit unfocussed. We start with the girl being vocal during sex—and it could make a good premise if the couple was living in a flat rather than in a house (presumably)—but then it takes a turn into something completely different, as if, as the writer, you had chosen to be led by the characters rather than to lead them.
I was puzzled by the same sentence than Lib, I was expecting the girl to be some sort of wolf, but she turned out not to be.
Also, I found the end a bit unsatisfactory; although it builds up on everything already exposed, I was also expecting a twist that didn't come to pass.
All in all, it’s a fairly good comedy, but it lacks one or two tricks to make it really shine.
I'd say, however, that it is a bit unfocussed. We start with the girl being vocal during sex—and it could make a good premise if the couple was living in a flat rather than in a house (presumably)—but then it takes a turn into something completely different, as if, as the writer, you had chosen to be led by the characters rather than to lead them.
I was puzzled by the same sentence than Lib, I was expecting the girl to be some sort of wolf, but she turned out not to be.
Also, I found the end a bit unsatisfactory; although it builds up on everything already exposed, I was also expecting a twist that didn't come to pass.
All in all, it’s a fairly good comedy, but it lacks one or two tricks to make it really shine.
Alternate Title: A Bedroom War Cry
There are a few things you should know about me: I like romance, comedies, and sex, and if I can get all three in a well-done package then I'm a very happy man.
I can't say I'm happy at the moment, though.
This is a really scattershot entry, and I have to wonder if there's a singular point to it. You'd think Mindy's loudness during sex would be the main point, but it's not. In fact it gets shoved off rather quickly. Not that I was particularly interested in that aspect, as it makes practically no sense for a couple who've been married for over a year to have this conversation.
I feel like I'm missing something here, but I'm looking at all the little gears of this conversation, and I can barely make any sense of it. Why does Alexander only tell her she's loud at this point? Why does he have more teeth than a person is supposed to have? I thought that was going to imply something, but it really didn't. Why is Mindy so mean to him? Is it because she's pregnant and going through mood-swings?
Her being pregnant is treated as a twist, but it didn't feel like one either, and anyway it didn't really change the context of the conversation, or imply something about their relationship that the reader didn't get before.
It's very hard to spoil The Way She Howls, because I feel like there's nothing I can give away that would ruin the reader's experience with the story.
I also can't get over this dialogue, which makes me wonder if the author was taking the piss or making a genuine effort to write a married couple. I want to think it's the former, but I haven't guessed as to whom the culprit is yet.
I guess this is a sex comedy, but only in the sense that there's talk about sex, and nothing directly involving the art form itself. Unless you count Mindy being topless (a detail that somehow passed over me the first go-around) as involvement.
I'm sorry, but I'll have to disagree with the other commentators on this one.
There are a few things you should know about me: I like romance, comedies, and sex, and if I can get all three in a well-done package then I'm a very happy man.
I can't say I'm happy at the moment, though.
This is a really scattershot entry, and I have to wonder if there's a singular point to it. You'd think Mindy's loudness during sex would be the main point, but it's not. In fact it gets shoved off rather quickly. Not that I was particularly interested in that aspect, as it makes practically no sense for a couple who've been married for over a year to have this conversation.
I feel like I'm missing something here, but I'm looking at all the little gears of this conversation, and I can barely make any sense of it. Why does Alexander only tell her she's loud at this point? Why does he have more teeth than a person is supposed to have? I thought that was going to imply something, but it really didn't. Why is Mindy so mean to him? Is it because she's pregnant and going through mood-swings?
Her being pregnant is treated as a twist, but it didn't feel like one either, and anyway it didn't really change the context of the conversation, or imply something about their relationship that the reader didn't get before.
It's very hard to spoil The Way She Howls, because I feel like there's nothing I can give away that would ruin the reader's experience with the story.
I also can't get over this dialogue, which makes me wonder if the author was taking the piss or making a genuine effort to write a married couple. I want to think it's the former, but I haven't guessed as to whom the culprit is yet.
I guess this is a sex comedy, but only in the sense that there's talk about sex, and nothing directly involving the art form itself. Unless you count Mindy being topless (a detail that somehow passed over me the first go-around) as involvement.
I'm sorry, but I'll have to disagree with the other commentators on this one.