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Along the Way
Twilight trotted up to Applejack’s front door and knocked.
“Round back!” came the reply.
Twilight found her in a pit behind the house, a mound of dirt nearby, tools and lumber scattered around.
“Everything okay?” Twilight asked.
“Sure is.” Applejack turned and wiped her brow. “Here about my curriculum?”
“Yes. Sorry to pester you, but I need them by tomorrow. You and Rarity are the only ones who aren't done yet.” Twilight hesitated, surveying the construction project. “Do you need help?”
“Pfft, funny you should ask. I've been up to my neck in chores this week, so I've only had time to do the outline and a few examples. I—”
“I understand entirely, but we need to keep things moving, so if you give me whatever you've finished, I can fill in the holes.”
“Er, Twilight, I was saying that I knew I wouldn't get it done on time, so I asked Rainbow and Fluttershy to help me out. They're not too busy, and I figure loyalty and kindness together are a tootin' good substitute for yours truly.” She glanced back to the foundations of the house. “Hate to rush you along, sugarcube, but I gotta get this finished today.”
Twilight nodded dumbly and trotted back toward Ponyville, her chest strangely still.
Of course Applejack had already asked for help. She'd learned that lesson years ago. And of course Rainbow and Fluttershy had agreed. They knew how important the farm was to Applejack, how much she cared about the friendship school, and how little time she had for both.
They worked together in near perfect harmony.
So why did Twilight feel so unsatisfied?
As she passed the castle on her way toward Carousel Boutique, Twilight spotted an off-white pegasus mare crouched in the bushes, her eyes staring into one of the castle's windows, a small black binder tucked under a wing. Curious, Twilight trotted closer.
She jerked upright as Twilight approached and spun around. A wide grin broke over her face. “Oh hey there. You live here, huh?”
Twilight reflexively unfurled her wings. “Um, yes. Me and a couple others.”
“Spike and Starlight Glimmer,” the mare recited with a smile.
“Yes, right again. How—”
“Do you mind if I ask where and when you all sleep?”
“Uh… a little? I definitely mind at least a little.”
The mare frowned. “I see. I guess that's not really a normal question. Still, I need to know. Do you think your neighbours are home?”
Twilight's teeth met. She could feel time ticking away at the back of her mind. “Look, do you want me to sign something? A book? A petition?”
The mare shook her head. “Sorry, let me explain. I'm spying on you.”
“Okay.” Twilight glanced to her castle, the window beside them, and back at the pegasus. “I would really rather you didn't do that.”
“That's fair. I'd hate if somepony spied on me. Um, but I kinda have to. It's my job.”
“You're a spy?”
She blushed. “Well, technically, I'm an EEA liaison. But today that means spying, apparently, and I'm giving it my all!”
Of course she worked for the EEA. Of all the monsters Twilight and her friends had defeated over the years, it seemed that the slow-grinding gears of bureaucracy were the most resilient.
“My school has no affiliation with the EEA!” Twilight gestured wildly to the castle. “Stars, this isn't even the school! It's my house!” The mare just shrugged apologetically. Twilight rubbed her face with a hoof. “I'm not going to be able to get rid of you, am I?”
“You could file a restraining order,” the pegasus said. “Please don't, though. It turns out I really like being a spy. And the board'll just assign somepony else if you do.”
Twilight opened her mouth, but paused. The first tingles of a stress headache were gathering behind her eyes. Her body and brain ached, desperate for sleep despite it barely being mid-afternoon. She was annoyed, vexed, and floundering for her next response, caught between sarcasm and reason, and reason seeming slightly too complicated to shape into words. It was a familiar feeling, and a familiar problem. Maybe, under the right light, she could call it a friendship problem.
“In that case,” Twilight licked her lips, feeling awkward and off-balance in a way she hadn't for years. It glowed warm in her chest. “In that case, and this is going to sound weird… do you want to come over for a slumber party some time?”
“Round back!” came the reply.
Twilight found her in a pit behind the house, a mound of dirt nearby, tools and lumber scattered around.
“Everything okay?” Twilight asked.
“Sure is.” Applejack turned and wiped her brow. “Here about my curriculum?”
“Yes. Sorry to pester you, but I need them by tomorrow. You and Rarity are the only ones who aren't done yet.” Twilight hesitated, surveying the construction project. “Do you need help?”
“Pfft, funny you should ask. I've been up to my neck in chores this week, so I've only had time to do the outline and a few examples. I—”
“I understand entirely, but we need to keep things moving, so if you give me whatever you've finished, I can fill in the holes.”
“Er, Twilight, I was saying that I knew I wouldn't get it done on time, so I asked Rainbow and Fluttershy to help me out. They're not too busy, and I figure loyalty and kindness together are a tootin' good substitute for yours truly.” She glanced back to the foundations of the house. “Hate to rush you along, sugarcube, but I gotta get this finished today.”
Twilight nodded dumbly and trotted back toward Ponyville, her chest strangely still.
Of course Applejack had already asked for help. She'd learned that lesson years ago. And of course Rainbow and Fluttershy had agreed. They knew how important the farm was to Applejack, how much she cared about the friendship school, and how little time she had for both.
They worked together in near perfect harmony.
So why did Twilight feel so unsatisfied?
As she passed the castle on her way toward Carousel Boutique, Twilight spotted an off-white pegasus mare crouched in the bushes, her eyes staring into one of the castle's windows, a small black binder tucked under a wing. Curious, Twilight trotted closer.
She jerked upright as Twilight approached and spun around. A wide grin broke over her face. “Oh hey there. You live here, huh?”
Twilight reflexively unfurled her wings. “Um, yes. Me and a couple others.”
“Spike and Starlight Glimmer,” the mare recited with a smile.
“Yes, right again. How—”
“Do you mind if I ask where and when you all sleep?”
“Uh… a little? I definitely mind at least a little.”
The mare frowned. “I see. I guess that's not really a normal question. Still, I need to know. Do you think your neighbours are home?”
Twilight's teeth met. She could feel time ticking away at the back of her mind. “Look, do you want me to sign something? A book? A petition?”
The mare shook her head. “Sorry, let me explain. I'm spying on you.”
“Okay.” Twilight glanced to her castle, the window beside them, and back at the pegasus. “I would really rather you didn't do that.”
“That's fair. I'd hate if somepony spied on me. Um, but I kinda have to. It's my job.”
“You're a spy?”
She blushed. “Well, technically, I'm an EEA liaison. But today that means spying, apparently, and I'm giving it my all!”
Of course she worked for the EEA. Of all the monsters Twilight and her friends had defeated over the years, it seemed that the slow-grinding gears of bureaucracy were the most resilient.
“My school has no affiliation with the EEA!” Twilight gestured wildly to the castle. “Stars, this isn't even the school! It's my house!” The mare just shrugged apologetically. Twilight rubbed her face with a hoof. “I'm not going to be able to get rid of you, am I?”
“You could file a restraining order,” the pegasus said. “Please don't, though. It turns out I really like being a spy. And the board'll just assign somepony else if you do.”
Twilight opened her mouth, but paused. The first tingles of a stress headache were gathering behind her eyes. Her body and brain ached, desperate for sleep despite it barely being mid-afternoon. She was annoyed, vexed, and floundering for her next response, caught between sarcasm and reason, and reason seeming slightly too complicated to shape into words. It was a familiar feeling, and a familiar problem. Maybe, under the right light, she could call it a friendship problem.
“In that case,” Twilight licked her lips, feeling awkward and off-balance in a way she hadn't for years. It glowed warm in her chest. “In that case, and this is going to sound weird… do you want to come over for a slumber party some time?”
This story feels incomplete. The problem is that the first half and second half don’t tie together strongly enough, resulting in it feeling like two stories, rather than a single story with an arc. I do get what you are trying to go for here – Twilight is feeling out of place because she can’t actually help a friend here, and so the appearance of Miss Spy Pegasus allows her to solve an old-fashioned Friendship Problem, just like the old days.
But it doesn’t actually end up ringing true in the end; it feels sort of forced. Which, I think, is fine if that’s intentional – Twilight is trying to force it rather than actually having a natural friendship problem, and getting herself into trouble, or creating a situation or whatever. But I’m not sure if it is, or if you just ran out of space to really tie it all together emotionally, as it feels pretty abrupt emotionally, and doesn’t tie itself together strongly enough.
But it doesn’t actually end up ringing true in the end; it feels sort of forced. Which, I think, is fine if that’s intentional – Twilight is trying to force it rather than actually having a natural friendship problem, and getting herself into trouble, or creating a situation or whatever. But I’m not sure if it is, or if you just ran out of space to really tie it all together emotionally, as it feels pretty abrupt emotionally, and doesn’t tie itself together strongly enough.
>>TitaniumDragon
I second that. This story doesn't have an ending. It just cuts off before it can really go anywhere.
This story feels incomplete.
I second that. This story doesn't have an ending. It just cuts off before it can really go anywhere.
I'm not sure what I read.
The first scene is a serious look at a possibly overextended Applejack and a Twilight worrying about what that means to her school. Then we get a comic scene that really has nothing to do with it. I was expecting the spy to know about AJ already and throw it in Twilight's face, but you never used that. What was the point of having the first scene then? It doesn't match the tone of the rest, and you've made it inconsequential. There's a weak thematic connection, but Twilight never vocalizes anything to that effect or even seems to realize it.
I do like this spy character. She's amusing, and she's been forced into a role she didn't want at first but has learned to enjoy. That's a nice setup for her character. But then that doesn't go anywhere either. What does Twilight want to accomplish? Make a friend just for the sake of it? I wouldn't put that past her, but she hints at some other purpose, yet leaves it nebulous. Is she just hoping that if they become friends, she won't be able to bring herself to spy on Twilight anymore? I don't even know what's at stake. As Twilight said, she's not governed by the EEA, so what consequences could there be to the spying anyway? At worst, she's just going to be a nuisance.
So do something to make that first scene matter, and follow through with where the second scene is leading.
The first scene is a serious look at a possibly overextended Applejack and a Twilight worrying about what that means to her school. Then we get a comic scene that really has nothing to do with it. I was expecting the spy to know about AJ already and throw it in Twilight's face, but you never used that. What was the point of having the first scene then? It doesn't match the tone of the rest, and you've made it inconsequential. There's a weak thematic connection, but Twilight never vocalizes anything to that effect or even seems to realize it.
I do like this spy character. She's amusing, and she's been forced into a role she didn't want at first but has learned to enjoy. That's a nice setup for her character. But then that doesn't go anywhere either. What does Twilight want to accomplish? Make a friend just for the sake of it? I wouldn't put that past her, but she hints at some other purpose, yet leaves it nebulous. Is she just hoping that if they become friends, she won't be able to bring herself to spy on Twilight anymore? I don't even know what's at stake. As Twilight said, she's not governed by the EEA, so what consequences could there be to the spying anyway? At worst, she's just going to be a nuisance.
So do something to make that first scene matter, and follow through with where the second scene is leading.
I get your arc! I actually don't see this as incomplete, but the problem and solution are pretty subtle, and also, I don't know anything about recent pony episodes so the school/EEA stuff threw me off too. Strangely, you also have the "problem" of actually having the scene with the pegaspy being really good. I like her, immediately! Which is good, but which makes me want to actually see the sleepover, and sort of pulls attention away from Twilight's arc and final realization.
And to some extent, that shift in Twilight is a little odd, contextually. Basically, shouldn't the opportunity of the school already give her the kind of friendship-fulfillment or problem-solving-needs that she wants? Since she's a princess and everything, doesn't she have a higher-order of responsibilities? But I think these are just problems with the show and universe as much as with your actual story, and again, I haven't watched since season 5, so.
And to some extent, that shift in Twilight is a little odd, contextually. Basically, shouldn't the opportunity of the school already give her the kind of friendship-fulfillment or problem-solving-needs that she wants? Since she's a princess and everything, doesn't she have a higher-order of responsibilities? But I think these are just problems with the show and universe as much as with your actual story, and again, I haven't watched since season 5, so.
I was struggling a bit to see how the first scene connected to the second, but the story managed to finally stitch them together in the last couple of lines. I would've liked to see a stronger connection with more emotion, but... given the word limit, "Twilight needs a problem to solve, and therefore makes a mountain out of a molehill" is actually a pretty solid attempt, IMHO, and completely in character.