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In the Beginning
In the beginning, there was nothing. And I do mean nothing. Or so Mother told me, anyway. It sounds all terribly dull, really. Oh, sure, the first time you hear about there being literally nothing – no time, no space, not even the idea of time or space – it sounds interesting, but it only a takes a few moments to realize just how incredibly dull it would be. No planets. No stars. No ponies. No me.
No, it was terrible.
Fortunately, things got better. I guess when things get that boring, it starts to wrap back around and become interesting again.
Anyway, somehow – no, I don’t know how – Mother came to be, along with a bunch of rocks and gas and some other things. It is a good thing she doesn’t need to breathe, it would have been rather unpleasant otherwise. I don’t know why you ponies have to breathe; it really makes no sense to me. You have magic; why can’t you just live on that? Eating, drinking, breathing – it all just seems so pointless to me.
Oh, where was I?
Ah, yes, Mother.
Well, you see, she thought this was boring too. And so, her first thought was what anyone’s first thought would be – to start setting things on fire.
No? That isn’t your first thought? Hmph. Honestly, I’m not sure how you ponies survived without me.
Anyway, yes, she started setting things on fire. But not ordinary fires – oh, no. They didn’t last very long out there in the void of space. No, she started setting the gas on fire, and keeping it on fire, by bunching it all up into stars.
Of course, that was fun for a while, but soon enough, she got bored with that, too. So she tried to do a bit of landscaping. A bit of rock here, a bit of dust there, and – voila! A planet!
She made a few of them – actually, more than a few. Quite a lot of them, really. Big ones, small ones. Ones covered with ice, others covered with water. A few with giant rings around their middle – yes, really. Rings. No, no, not metal ones; they’re different. More like Frisbees, but without the middle.
Yes. No, really, I can show you. You have a spell for breathing in space, right? No? Well then, I suppose you’ll just have to take my word for it, now won’t you?
Anyway… Mother was getting bored again – planets are all well and good, but they are rather boring on their own. Rocks and dirt are only so fun for so long. So she started making things – living things. No, nothing like you at first - moss, fungus, that green stuff that grows in ponds, little squirming things that you can only see if you really squint your eyes, trees that grow hot dogs and golden apples; you know, that sort of thing.
Then she made me. Oh, yes, I told you I would be in here somewhere, didn’t I? Well, in any case, she made me, and she told me that I was in charge now. I was supposed to “look after” the planet, while she went off to do… something else. Honestly, I think she just got bored again and wanted to try something new. No, I don’t know what.
Do you know how boring it is to watch slime grow for a million years? Of course you don’t. But I do. It was dull. So I thought I’d make things more interesting. A bit of magic here, a bit of chaos there… oh, things were getting better. But it took so long…
So I stepped outside of time for a bit. Skipped a few turns, made it straight to the future. At first I was happy! Things were so complicated! But I quickly discovered none of you had any idea I was supposed to be in charge! Worse, you were all trying to make things so orderly: building castles, growing crops. You know, all the boring things you ponies do.
So I thought I’d liven things up a little. You know the rest from there.
Twilight shook her head as she walked away from Fluttershy’s cottage, Spike walking along beside her.
“So, uhm, do you think any of that was true?”
“I don’t know Spike. It would explain some things. But really, everything coming from nothing? That seems a little made up, don’t you think?”
No, it was terrible.
Fortunately, things got better. I guess when things get that boring, it starts to wrap back around and become interesting again.
Anyway, somehow – no, I don’t know how – Mother came to be, along with a bunch of rocks and gas and some other things. It is a good thing she doesn’t need to breathe, it would have been rather unpleasant otherwise. I don’t know why you ponies have to breathe; it really makes no sense to me. You have magic; why can’t you just live on that? Eating, drinking, breathing – it all just seems so pointless to me.
Oh, where was I?
Ah, yes, Mother.
Well, you see, she thought this was boring too. And so, her first thought was what anyone’s first thought would be – to start setting things on fire.
No? That isn’t your first thought? Hmph. Honestly, I’m not sure how you ponies survived without me.
Anyway, yes, she started setting things on fire. But not ordinary fires – oh, no. They didn’t last very long out there in the void of space. No, she started setting the gas on fire, and keeping it on fire, by bunching it all up into stars.
Of course, that was fun for a while, but soon enough, she got bored with that, too. So she tried to do a bit of landscaping. A bit of rock here, a bit of dust there, and – voila! A planet!
She made a few of them – actually, more than a few. Quite a lot of them, really. Big ones, small ones. Ones covered with ice, others covered with water. A few with giant rings around their middle – yes, really. Rings. No, no, not metal ones; they’re different. More like Frisbees, but without the middle.
Yes. No, really, I can show you. You have a spell for breathing in space, right? No? Well then, I suppose you’ll just have to take my word for it, now won’t you?
Anyway… Mother was getting bored again – planets are all well and good, but they are rather boring on their own. Rocks and dirt are only so fun for so long. So she started making things – living things. No, nothing like you at first - moss, fungus, that green stuff that grows in ponds, little squirming things that you can only see if you really squint your eyes, trees that grow hot dogs and golden apples; you know, that sort of thing.
Then she made me. Oh, yes, I told you I would be in here somewhere, didn’t I? Well, in any case, she made me, and she told me that I was in charge now. I was supposed to “look after” the planet, while she went off to do… something else. Honestly, I think she just got bored again and wanted to try something new. No, I don’t know what.
Do you know how boring it is to watch slime grow for a million years? Of course you don’t. But I do. It was dull. So I thought I’d make things more interesting. A bit of magic here, a bit of chaos there… oh, things were getting better. But it took so long…
So I stepped outside of time for a bit. Skipped a few turns, made it straight to the future. At first I was happy! Things were so complicated! But I quickly discovered none of you had any idea I was supposed to be in charge! Worse, you were all trying to make things so orderly: building castles, growing crops. You know, all the boring things you ponies do.
So I thought I’d liven things up a little. You know the rest from there.
Twilight shook her head as she walked away from Fluttershy’s cottage, Spike walking along beside her.
“So, uhm, do you think any of that was true?”
“I don’t know Spike. It would explain some things. But really, everything coming from nothing? That seems a little made up, don’t you think?”
You captured Discord’s voice quite well here, and I was amused by the juxtaposition of the whole Biblical “In the beginning” and the pseudo-genesis story with Discord being… well, Discord.
Also, hot dogs and golden apples – Horizon, is that you?
Anyway… I liked the voicing here, but I’m not sure what the point is, and I’m not sure if the aside with Twilight and Spike at the end is actually what it should be. It feels like it needs more room to breathe, so you could have a proper response rather than a Big Bang joke, but at the same time, I’m not sure if you’d want that. Really, I’m not quite sure what the point here was, other than to be vaguely amusing retelling a pseudo-Genesis in Discord’s voice.
Also, hot dogs and golden apples – Horizon, is that you?
Anyway… I liked the voicing here, but I’m not sure what the point is, and I’m not sure if the aside with Twilight and Spike at the end is actually what it should be. It feels like it needs more room to breathe, so you could have a proper response rather than a Big Bang joke, but at the same time, I’m not sure if you’d want that. Really, I’m not quite sure what the point here was, other than to be vaguely amusing retelling a pseudo-Genesis in Discord’s voice.
It’s rare that I see Discord this well voiced in a story, so definite points for that, Writer. The problem is, there’s not much here other than an origin story for the universe, as told by the least reliable narrator in all of Equestria.
I feel like this might be improved with some additional context as to why Twilight asked Discord about it in the first place, rather than just setup for a dig at the unknown nature of the origin of everything. The section after the scene break doesn’t add much to the story without that.
I feel like this might be improved with some additional context as to why Twilight asked Discord about it in the first place, rather than just setup for a dig at the unknown nature of the origin of everything. The section after the scene break doesn’t add much to the story without that.
This is a one-trick-pony of a story. Discord's voice is clear and works here. Retelling bible stories in the Discordian way (Hail Eris!) is a great reference too. But this "story" unfortunately offers nothing more clever than that. So yeah, high fives all around for deep nerd culture references, but... Well, a true Discordian wouldn't expect to win anyway, would they? :-)
This was fun, but ultimately, what did it mean? The description gets repetitive with the same kinds of events happening over and over, and with Discord's own verbal tics getting reused several times each. So that's all to say that the first scene probably dragged on longer than it should have, or it could have been cleaned up some.
You've got an unfortunate missing comma in the last paragraph. As it is, Twilight's lying. She does know Spike.
So, kind of an inconsequential joke, but a fun enough character moment. Though Discord's description was kind of generic; these are exactly the beats I'd expect a creation story to hit, which isn't what I'd expect of Discord.
A simple story that mostly hits its mark but doesn't leave a lasting impression. Pretty good.
You've got an unfortunate missing comma in the last paragraph. As it is, Twilight's lying. She does know Spike.
So, kind of an inconsequential joke, but a fun enough character moment. Though Discord's description was kind of generic; these are exactly the beats I'd expect a creation story to hit, which isn't what I'd expect of Discord.
A simple story that mostly hits its mark but doesn't leave a lasting impression. Pretty good.
Genre: Genesis
Thoughts: This has some excellently voiced Discord and some very cool worldbuilding. I'll echo the calls for more of a story, though. I think the thing at the end was an attempt to hang enough of a framing device around the central monologue to make a story out of it, but currently I don't feel like that part is consistent enough in tone or strong enough in terms of plot progress to outweigh the distraction it represents from the very good Discord on offer.
Basically I feel like this is a brilliant little seed of something, but it's not quite clear what direction it might want to go in just yet.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: This has some excellently voiced Discord and some very cool worldbuilding. I'll echo the calls for more of a story, though. I think the thing at the end was an attempt to hang enough of a framing device around the central monologue to make a story out of it, but currently I don't feel like that part is consistent enough in tone or strong enough in terms of plot progress to outweigh the distraction it represents from the very good Discord on offer.
Basically I feel like this is a brilliant little seed of something, but it's not quite clear what direction it might want to go in just yet.
Tier: Keep Developing
This was my "warm-up" story; I just kind of got the idea of how silly it would be for Discord to tell a creation story in my head, because the idea of him telling a Genesis-like tale seemed amusing. I guess folks agreed.
People also wondered what the point was... and so did I, ultimately. It was pretty much just a spur of the moment thing, as well as an excuse to include jokes about Eris, who obviously would be Discord's mom. I didn't really have any greater purpose here than to momentarily amuse, and the end was pretty much just kind of there to give it some sort of ending instead of just... you know, not.
I was kind of surprised that this did better than 88, but this one had strong voicing and was at least mildly amusing, which was enough to carry it into the finals.
People also wondered what the point was... and so did I, ultimately. It was pretty much just a spur of the moment thing, as well as an excuse to include jokes about Eris, who obviously would be Discord's mom. I didn't really have any greater purpose here than to momentarily amuse, and the end was pretty much just kind of there to give it some sort of ending instead of just... you know, not.
I was kind of surprised that this did better than 88, but this one had strong voicing and was at least mildly amusing, which was enough to carry it into the finals.