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Spelling Trouble
Fluttershy didn’t know how she was going to pass her English class, starting down at the assignment she was given―red lines all across it like Ms. Cheerilee had taken it out back and stabbed it repeatedly. She couldn’t ask her friends for help, either, because she didn’t want them to know how stupid she was.
Sure, she was a whiz at math and science, especially biology―her favorite subject. But grammar was as much of a mystery to her as how Sunset’s touch telepathy or Twilight’s telekinesis worked. She’d even asked for assitance on this assignment―and she still had failed.
She grunted. I’ll never trust that puma again. Even if they are adorable.
Fluttershy looked at the current assignment―write five hundred words about somebody important in your life. She reasoned this should be easy enough, but looking back at her previous bloodied assignment drained her of all resolve.
“It sounds like someone needs assistance.”
She sighed. “Yeah, but I don’t think anyone could help me.”
Wait, who said that?
Fluttershy looked up and around at the room, spotting her rabbit, Angel, Midnight Sparkle in the mirror, her stuffed animals, her laptop―
… Midnight Sparkle in the mirror.
Fluttershy’s eyes popped open as she shakily pointed at her mirror.
“Y-you’re not supposed to be here.”
Midnight chuckled. “I’m never where I’m supposed to be.” She clasped her hands together. “Now, what do you need help with?”
Doom covered Fluttershy like a steel blanket. “I don’t know if I should trust you.”
“Now, why wouldn’t you trust lil’ old me?” Midnight said as she flexed a wing.
“P-probably because you tried to destroy everything I care about.”
Midnight waved a hand. “Details.” She opened her arms magnanimously. “I’m in the middle of rebranding, and I figured a shy young woman like you could use my assistance.”
Fluttershy bit her lip. “T-this isn’t some kind of trick, is it? Like, if you help me I have to like, kill one of my friends, right?”
“Ah.” Midnight wagged a finger. “I see you’ve read up on your demon tropes.” She then sighed, the mirror giving it a tinny timbre. “It’s just, I’m not so much a demon as a wayward spirit,” she said while gesticulating, “and I’m actually more of an aspect of Twilight―this world’s Twilight, not the other Twilight. That one’s incorruptible, you see. So, it’s like, I’m Twilight but not Twilight but also not Twilight, so, uh, by the transitive property―” Midnight smiled “―we’re already friends!”
Fluttershy blinked.
“I don’t… I don’t think that’s how the transitive property works.” She hummed, too. “Also, I think you lost your train of thought somewhere in there.”
“See?” Midnight clasped her hands together. “You’re already learning!”
Fluttershy tapped the desk with her pen. “Right, but, that’s logic. I don’t need help with logic, I need help with English.”
“Ah, but you see,” Midnight said as she tapped her horn, “English is a form of logic!”
“I just don’t see it, unfortunately.” Fluttershy looked away. “Especially after my last assignment.”
Midnight rotated her jaw. “Well, uh, everyone has to start somewhere. Let me just look at”―Midnight’s eyes looked over the sanguineous essay―”holy shit who let you hand that in that’s awful.”
“I’m just worthless, I know.” Fluttershy buried her face into her hands. “I’ll never graduate High School at this rate.”
“I’m surprised you got this far in High School, honestly,” Midnight said before she looked up and noticed tears dripping off of Fluttershy’s chin. “Wait, wait, wait a second that came out wrong.” She cupped her hands around her mouth and took a breath. “What I meant to say is―”
“Exactly what you said.” Fluttershy pulled her hands away to reveal red-stained eyes. “I’m going to be in school forever.”
Midnight tapped her chin. “Okay, let’s refocus. What’s the current assignment about?”
“It’s about,” Fluttershy said as she looked over it again, “we have to write five hundred words about someone important in our life.”
“That’s great!” Midnight said as her eyes glittered. “You could write about me.”
“I’m not sure that―”
“Come on, who’s more important in your life than the demon―”
“You said you were a wayward spirit―”
Midnight groaned. “Whatever, fine, wayward spirit who tried to destroy reality?”
“I’d say someone who reinforces the concept of a life well-lived would be more important in the long run.” Fluttershy pursed her lips. “Not everyone identifies with trauma.”
“I’ll tell you who does, though.” Midnight chortled. “Twilight Sparkle!” She looked off to the side. “Why, I tried this same routine with her and she literally pissed herself!”
Fluttershy leaned in. “Now when you say literally, do you mean literally or…” Midnight leaned in herself and winked, which caused Fluttershy to recoil. “Okay, I didn’t need to hear that.” She clenched her jaw. “And I certainly don’t appreciate that you found pleasure in terrifying her.”
“I mean, I don’t find pleasure in it,” Midnight said as she presented a hand, “but you have to admit it’s a little funny, right?”
Fluttershy’s stone-faced gaze admitted to Midnight that there was no humor in accidentally ripping open a trauma scar, which filled the air with an expectant pause. Midnight whistled awkwardly. Fluttershy licked her teeth.
“Hm.” Midnight looked down. “Well, uh, who were you thinking of writing about?”
“I haven’t decided yet,” Fluttershy said as she leaned her head into her hand. “I was thinking Sunset.”
“Whatever works, I guess,” Midnight growled. “So, I’m going to walk you through this: Say your first sentence out loud.”
“Well, uh, uhm…”
“Come on, I don’t have all night.” Midnight giggled. “Well, I do, but you don’t.”
Fluttershy waved her hand. “Look, I don’t work well under pressure. Uh…” she trailed off before taking a deep breath. “‘I find it a pleasant surprise that I now look up to Sunset, considering that for the longest time I wanted to slit her throat.’”
Midnight clapped her hands and pointed at Fluttershy. “Look, I’m right there with you, but I’m pretty sure you can’t write that without getting a trip to the guidance counselor.”
Fluttershy’s grimace was framed by a blush. “Well, it’s the truth. I don’t like talking about it now, or even bringing it up because we’ve become such good friends, but she was so cruel to me at first that I felt awful that I couldn’t bring myself to kill her.”
“That’s a beautiful sentiment, and I’m sure we can bond about that later,” Midnight said as she ran her fingers through her hair, “but try to rephrase that less… murderously.” Midnight shuddered. “I can’t believe I just told you that.”
“Well, um.” Fluttershy tapped her lip with the pen. “How does ‘considering that for the longest time we didn’t exactly get along’ sound?”
Midnight looked up and rubbed her hands together. “Not bad, but maybe something like ‘especially since we didn’t start out on good terms’ would work better?”
“That could work.” Fluttershy wrote down the sentence and showed it to Midnight.
Midnight blinked. “How are you even able to dress yourself?”
Fluttershy pressed her lips together and snapped her eyes shut.
“Wait, that came out wrong.” Midnight tapped on the mirror. “What I meant to say is, read the sentence out loud, and put a comma where the pause comes naturally. Also, capital letter at the start of the sentence. Always.”
Fluttershy glared at Midnight, rewrote the sentence, then showed it to Midnight again.
Midnight grinned. “Much better.”
“Hmm…” Fluttershy looked at the sentence she wrote correctly. “It doesn’t seem that hard when you explain it like that.” She continued writing wonderful things about Sunset. “Earlier you said you were trying to reinvent your image.”
“Rebranding, yes.” Midnight nodded.
“I’m just curious as to why that is. You didn’t seem too insistent on changing before.”
Midnight licked her lips and flexed her wings. “Well, I ran the logistics through my head, and I came to the conclusion that you can only destroy everything once, and then after that, there’s nothing left to do.”
Fluttershy nodded. “That’s generally what would happen, yes.”
“And I was just so wrapped up in asserting my dominance over reality that it, uh”―Midnight fingered her horn―”it slipped my mind at first that you can’t be dominant if there’s nothing left to dominate.”
“So.” The sounds of pen on paper filled the air. “You’re expressing your dominant impulse through… tutoring high schoolers.”
Midnight shrugged. “Yeah, it’s a bit of an orthogonal step, but when you’ve got Twilight’s brain,” she said as she tapped her head, “it pays to think outside the box.”
“I’ll bet,” Fluttershy said before she showed the rest of what she had written to Midnight. “How does this look?”
Midnight cringed, opened her mouth, then thought better and closed it. “We’re, ah, gonna be here a while.”
Fluttershy grunted. “At least you’re more helpful than that puma I asked for help.”
“Why did you.” Midnight cocked her eyebrow. “Why did you ask a puma for help with an English paper?”
“Because the parakeet was busy,” Fluttershy said with a pout.
Fluttershy entered the school bathroom and made sure the door was closed, then walked towards the mirror.
“Midnight?”
The visage of the destroyer-cum-tutor appeared, rubbing her eyes. “Yeah, w-what’s going on?” she asked as she looked around. “You, uh, don’t need help on how to pee, do you?”
Fluttershy shook her head and presented her assignment to Midnight, a smile on her face. “I got a perfect score!”
“Hm.” Midnight briefly touched her nose, then grinned. “Congratulations. I knew you could do it!”
“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Fluttershy said as she reached out and touched the mirror. “Thanks to your help, I should be able to get through this semester.”
“… Why are you talking to yourself?”
Fluttershy and Midnight both turned their heads to face Rainbow Dash, who had a look on her face that suggested that she just saw one of her friends talk to herself in the mirror of a public bathroom.
Fluttershy glanced at Midnight.
“Okay, um,” Midnight said while pinching the bridge of her nose, “tell her that, uh, Self-love is―”
“Self-love is…” Fluttershy repeated.
“Self-love is an important part of the process of actualization.”
“Self-love is an important part of the process of actualization.” Fluttershy beamed.
Rainbow Dash traded glances between Fluttershy and the mirror. “Doesn’t that have to do with gears or something?”
Midnight buried her face in her hand. “Tell her she’s a fucking retard.”
Fluttershy glared at the mirror, then looked back at Dash. “The word you’re thinking of is actuate. Actualize has a completely different meaning, relating to―”
“Um, Flutters,” Rainbow said, “I’m just going to let you be a weirdo and use another bathroom.” With that, she left in a rainbow trail.
Fluttershy glared at Midnight again. “You do not use that word when referring to my friends.” She grunted. “Or anyone, for that matter.”
“Just calling a spade a spade,” Midnight said with a shrug.
Fluttershy covered her eyes with a hand. “What you did was more along the lines of calling a hole a toilet, and I will not stand for it.” A grin crept onto her face. “I think I’ve figured out how to repay you.”
Midnight groaned. “What could I possibly stand to learn from you?”
Fluttershy turned towards the mirror and pressed her hands together. “I figured that seeing that you come off as initially rather abrasive, I could teach you how to apply proper social decorum.”
“I see no use for that.”
‘You’re trying to help people, right?” Fluttershy asked.
Midnight nodded. “Yeah?”
“Right.” Fluttershy nodded. “And a few nice words can help more than you think.”
Midnight bit her lip and looked around. “You got that off of a tea cozy.”
“I did, and I use that tea cozy because I believe in the words written on it.” Fluttershy hummed. “And besides, being an apocalyptic expert, would it really be the end of the world if you learned how to be nice, in your opinion?”
Midnight blinked and took a few breaths. “… It might.”
Fluttershy groaned. “You’re horrible,” she said as she left the bathroom.
“Tried and tested!” Midnight shot back.
Sure, she was a whiz at math and science, especially biology―her favorite subject. But grammar was as much of a mystery to her as how Sunset’s touch telepathy or Twilight’s telekinesis worked. She’d even asked for assitance on this assignment―and she still had failed.
She grunted. I’ll never trust that puma again. Even if they are adorable.
Fluttershy looked at the current assignment―write five hundred words about somebody important in your life. She reasoned this should be easy enough, but looking back at her previous bloodied assignment drained her of all resolve.
“It sounds like someone needs assistance.”
She sighed. “Yeah, but I don’t think anyone could help me.”
Wait, who said that?
Fluttershy looked up and around at the room, spotting her rabbit, Angel, Midnight Sparkle in the mirror, her stuffed animals, her laptop―
… Midnight Sparkle in the mirror.
Fluttershy’s eyes popped open as she shakily pointed at her mirror.
“Y-you’re not supposed to be here.”
Midnight chuckled. “I’m never where I’m supposed to be.” She clasped her hands together. “Now, what do you need help with?”
Doom covered Fluttershy like a steel blanket. “I don’t know if I should trust you.”
“Now, why wouldn’t you trust lil’ old me?” Midnight said as she flexed a wing.
“P-probably because you tried to destroy everything I care about.”
Midnight waved a hand. “Details.” She opened her arms magnanimously. “I’m in the middle of rebranding, and I figured a shy young woman like you could use my assistance.”
Fluttershy bit her lip. “T-this isn’t some kind of trick, is it? Like, if you help me I have to like, kill one of my friends, right?”
“Ah.” Midnight wagged a finger. “I see you’ve read up on your demon tropes.” She then sighed, the mirror giving it a tinny timbre. “It’s just, I’m not so much a demon as a wayward spirit,” she said while gesticulating, “and I’m actually more of an aspect of Twilight―this world’s Twilight, not the other Twilight. That one’s incorruptible, you see. So, it’s like, I’m Twilight but not Twilight but also not Twilight, so, uh, by the transitive property―” Midnight smiled “―we’re already friends!”
Fluttershy blinked.
“I don’t… I don’t think that’s how the transitive property works.” She hummed, too. “Also, I think you lost your train of thought somewhere in there.”
“See?” Midnight clasped her hands together. “You’re already learning!”
Fluttershy tapped the desk with her pen. “Right, but, that’s logic. I don’t need help with logic, I need help with English.”
“Ah, but you see,” Midnight said as she tapped her horn, “English is a form of logic!”
“I just don’t see it, unfortunately.” Fluttershy looked away. “Especially after my last assignment.”
Midnight rotated her jaw. “Well, uh, everyone has to start somewhere. Let me just look at”―Midnight’s eyes looked over the sanguineous essay―”holy shit who let you hand that in that’s awful.”
“I’m just worthless, I know.” Fluttershy buried her face into her hands. “I’ll never graduate High School at this rate.”
“I’m surprised you got this far in High School, honestly,” Midnight said before she looked up and noticed tears dripping off of Fluttershy’s chin. “Wait, wait, wait a second that came out wrong.” She cupped her hands around her mouth and took a breath. “What I meant to say is―”
“Exactly what you said.” Fluttershy pulled her hands away to reveal red-stained eyes. “I’m going to be in school forever.”
Midnight tapped her chin. “Okay, let’s refocus. What’s the current assignment about?”
“It’s about,” Fluttershy said as she looked over it again, “we have to write five hundred words about someone important in our life.”
“That’s great!” Midnight said as her eyes glittered. “You could write about me.”
“I’m not sure that―”
“Come on, who’s more important in your life than the demon―”
“You said you were a wayward spirit―”
Midnight groaned. “Whatever, fine, wayward spirit who tried to destroy reality?”
“I’d say someone who reinforces the concept of a life well-lived would be more important in the long run.” Fluttershy pursed her lips. “Not everyone identifies with trauma.”
“I’ll tell you who does, though.” Midnight chortled. “Twilight Sparkle!” She looked off to the side. “Why, I tried this same routine with her and she literally pissed herself!”
Fluttershy leaned in. “Now when you say literally, do you mean literally or…” Midnight leaned in herself and winked, which caused Fluttershy to recoil. “Okay, I didn’t need to hear that.” She clenched her jaw. “And I certainly don’t appreciate that you found pleasure in terrifying her.”
“I mean, I don’t find pleasure in it,” Midnight said as she presented a hand, “but you have to admit it’s a little funny, right?”
Fluttershy’s stone-faced gaze admitted to Midnight that there was no humor in accidentally ripping open a trauma scar, which filled the air with an expectant pause. Midnight whistled awkwardly. Fluttershy licked her teeth.
“Hm.” Midnight looked down. “Well, uh, who were you thinking of writing about?”
“I haven’t decided yet,” Fluttershy said as she leaned her head into her hand. “I was thinking Sunset.”
“Whatever works, I guess,” Midnight growled. “So, I’m going to walk you through this: Say your first sentence out loud.”
“Well, uh, uhm…”
“Come on, I don’t have all night.” Midnight giggled. “Well, I do, but you don’t.”
Fluttershy waved her hand. “Look, I don’t work well under pressure. Uh…” she trailed off before taking a deep breath. “‘I find it a pleasant surprise that I now look up to Sunset, considering that for the longest time I wanted to slit her throat.’”
Midnight clapped her hands and pointed at Fluttershy. “Look, I’m right there with you, but I’m pretty sure you can’t write that without getting a trip to the guidance counselor.”
Fluttershy’s grimace was framed by a blush. “Well, it’s the truth. I don’t like talking about it now, or even bringing it up because we’ve become such good friends, but she was so cruel to me at first that I felt awful that I couldn’t bring myself to kill her.”
“That’s a beautiful sentiment, and I’m sure we can bond about that later,” Midnight said as she ran her fingers through her hair, “but try to rephrase that less… murderously.” Midnight shuddered. “I can’t believe I just told you that.”
“Well, um.” Fluttershy tapped her lip with the pen. “How does ‘considering that for the longest time we didn’t exactly get along’ sound?”
Midnight looked up and rubbed her hands together. “Not bad, but maybe something like ‘especially since we didn’t start out on good terms’ would work better?”
“That could work.” Fluttershy wrote down the sentence and showed it to Midnight.
Midnight blinked. “How are you even able to dress yourself?”
Fluttershy pressed her lips together and snapped her eyes shut.
“Wait, that came out wrong.” Midnight tapped on the mirror. “What I meant to say is, read the sentence out loud, and put a comma where the pause comes naturally. Also, capital letter at the start of the sentence. Always.”
Fluttershy glared at Midnight, rewrote the sentence, then showed it to Midnight again.
Midnight grinned. “Much better.”
“Hmm…” Fluttershy looked at the sentence she wrote correctly. “It doesn’t seem that hard when you explain it like that.” She continued writing wonderful things about Sunset. “Earlier you said you were trying to reinvent your image.”
“Rebranding, yes.” Midnight nodded.
“I’m just curious as to why that is. You didn’t seem too insistent on changing before.”
Midnight licked her lips and flexed her wings. “Well, I ran the logistics through my head, and I came to the conclusion that you can only destroy everything once, and then after that, there’s nothing left to do.”
Fluttershy nodded. “That’s generally what would happen, yes.”
“And I was just so wrapped up in asserting my dominance over reality that it, uh”―Midnight fingered her horn―”it slipped my mind at first that you can’t be dominant if there’s nothing left to dominate.”
“So.” The sounds of pen on paper filled the air. “You’re expressing your dominant impulse through… tutoring high schoolers.”
Midnight shrugged. “Yeah, it’s a bit of an orthogonal step, but when you’ve got Twilight’s brain,” she said as she tapped her head, “it pays to think outside the box.”
“I’ll bet,” Fluttershy said before she showed the rest of what she had written to Midnight. “How does this look?”
Midnight cringed, opened her mouth, then thought better and closed it. “We’re, ah, gonna be here a while.”
Fluttershy grunted. “At least you’re more helpful than that puma I asked for help.”
“Why did you.” Midnight cocked her eyebrow. “Why did you ask a puma for help with an English paper?”
“Because the parakeet was busy,” Fluttershy said with a pout.
Fluttershy entered the school bathroom and made sure the door was closed, then walked towards the mirror.
“Midnight?”
The visage of the destroyer-cum-tutor appeared, rubbing her eyes. “Yeah, w-what’s going on?” she asked as she looked around. “You, uh, don’t need help on how to pee, do you?”
Fluttershy shook her head and presented her assignment to Midnight, a smile on her face. “I got a perfect score!”
“Hm.” Midnight briefly touched her nose, then grinned. “Congratulations. I knew you could do it!”
“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Fluttershy said as she reached out and touched the mirror. “Thanks to your help, I should be able to get through this semester.”
“… Why are you talking to yourself?”
Fluttershy and Midnight both turned their heads to face Rainbow Dash, who had a look on her face that suggested that she just saw one of her friends talk to herself in the mirror of a public bathroom.
Fluttershy glanced at Midnight.
“Okay, um,” Midnight said while pinching the bridge of her nose, “tell her that, uh, Self-love is―”
“Self-love is…” Fluttershy repeated.
“Self-love is an important part of the process of actualization.”
“Self-love is an important part of the process of actualization.” Fluttershy beamed.
Rainbow Dash traded glances between Fluttershy and the mirror. “Doesn’t that have to do with gears or something?”
Midnight buried her face in her hand. “Tell her she’s a fucking retard.”
Fluttershy glared at the mirror, then looked back at Dash. “The word you’re thinking of is actuate. Actualize has a completely different meaning, relating to―”
“Um, Flutters,” Rainbow said, “I’m just going to let you be a weirdo and use another bathroom.” With that, she left in a rainbow trail.
Fluttershy glared at Midnight again. “You do not use that word when referring to my friends.” She grunted. “Or anyone, for that matter.”
“Just calling a spade a spade,” Midnight said with a shrug.
Fluttershy covered her eyes with a hand. “What you did was more along the lines of calling a hole a toilet, and I will not stand for it.” A grin crept onto her face. “I think I’ve figured out how to repay you.”
Midnight groaned. “What could I possibly stand to learn from you?”
Fluttershy turned towards the mirror and pressed her hands together. “I figured that seeing that you come off as initially rather abrasive, I could teach you how to apply proper social decorum.”
“I see no use for that.”
‘You’re trying to help people, right?” Fluttershy asked.
Midnight nodded. “Yeah?”
“Right.” Fluttershy nodded. “And a few nice words can help more than you think.”
Midnight bit her lip and looked around. “You got that off of a tea cozy.”
“I did, and I use that tea cozy because I believe in the words written on it.” Fluttershy hummed. “And besides, being an apocalyptic expert, would it really be the end of the world if you learned how to be nice, in your opinion?”
Midnight blinked and took a few breaths. “… It might.”
Fluttershy groaned. “You’re horrible,” she said as she left the bathroom.
“Tried and tested!” Midnight shot back.
Okay, so before I review anything, I need to get this off my chest.
That is absolutely not now the transitive property works. Which I get was the point but... Okay, never mind.
I'm not sure how to feel about this fic. Midnight Sparkle as a (mostly) independent entity who lives in mirrors is certainly an interesting concept, and one that I wish we'd heard a little more about. Fluttershy just sort of accepts this immediately, which I found a little odd, especially since even now, after having read the fic, I still have questions.
Speaking of questions, I have a couple about Fluttershy. Does her utter inability to write not impact her music and lyrics? Furthermore, does this version of Fluttershy have frequent homicidal thoughts? Because damn, Flutters, talk to somebody. Maybe not the somebody you're talking to in this fic, though.
Jokes aside—wait, no, the opposite of that—there were certainly points in this story that made me laugh. As mentioned, the 'transitive property' gag was amusing, as well as Fluttershy immediately dropping into thoughts of slitting people's throats. It certainly didn't feel like the Fluttershy from the movies and specials, but as far as I can tell that's the point. For the same reason I found the swearing jarring, but if that's the point, I suppose I'm missing it.
I suppose that's what this story came down to: I feel like I missed the point. The banter just didn't really hit for me, and the rest of the story just couldn't quite stand up on its own. But I think I may just not be the target audience for this story, and so I'm interested to hear what other commenters say about it. To be clear, I don't think it's necessarily bad, just not for me.
And finally, I have a question for much later, when the Anonymity is cleared: was the relation to the prompt just the part about Midnight being nice being the end of the world, or did I miss something else, too?
That is absolutely not now the transitive property works. Which I get was the point but... Okay, never mind.
I'm not sure how to feel about this fic. Midnight Sparkle as a (mostly) independent entity who lives in mirrors is certainly an interesting concept, and one that I wish we'd heard a little more about. Fluttershy just sort of accepts this immediately, which I found a little odd, especially since even now, after having read the fic, I still have questions.
Speaking of questions, I have a couple about Fluttershy. Does her utter inability to write not impact her music and lyrics? Furthermore, does this version of Fluttershy have frequent homicidal thoughts? Because damn, Flutters, talk to somebody. Maybe not the somebody you're talking to in this fic, though.
Jokes aside—wait, no, the opposite of that—there were certainly points in this story that made me laugh. As mentioned, the 'transitive property' gag was amusing, as well as Fluttershy immediately dropping into thoughts of slitting people's throats. It certainly didn't feel like the Fluttershy from the movies and specials, but as far as I can tell that's the point. For the same reason I found the swearing jarring, but if that's the point, I suppose I'm missing it.
I suppose that's what this story came down to: I feel like I missed the point. The banter just didn't really hit for me, and the rest of the story just couldn't quite stand up on its own. But I think I may just not be the target audience for this story, and so I'm interested to hear what other commenters say about it. To be clear, I don't think it's necessarily bad, just not for me.
And finally, I have a question for much later, when the Anonymity is cleared: was the relation to the prompt just the part about Midnight being nice being the end of the world, or did I miss something else, too?
starting
GDocs has this nasty habit of changing every instance of "staring" as "starting" for reasons beyond my comprehension. I find it fitting how this comes after Fluttershy moaning about how English isn't her strong suit.
Anyway, I really like what you have here. The dynamic between Fluttershy and Midnight is nice and could make for a compelling and fun tale about redemption. Which ties into my major issue with the story.
What you have here works as a standalone piece, but the story would've benefitted much more from dwelling a bit more on Midnight and Fluttershy developing a working relationship. As it stands, the story works, but it's pretty bare bones. There is just enough to make it fun and entertaining, but not so much to make it stand out, evn though I can definitely see the potential in here. If you decide to expand upon it in the future, I'll be glad to read it again.
Also, I wish I had not!demons help me with my writeoff entries, it would make things so much easier.
Author, if there was one story where you could get away with a rash of spelling errors, it was this one. If the spelling had been consistently bad until, say, the [hr] tag, I could have excused that as a stylistic decision. But having just two, and having them in each of the first two paragraphs, means I'm expecting to see them more frequently — and then disappointed that that's not the direction you chose to take it.
A related complaint is that you never want your prose to accidentally get in the way of your story, and there are a few spots I think you've done that here. For example, "sanguineous": I get that you're trying to tie back to your previous description of the paper as "bloodied", but not only is it a redundant image, it also comes off a bit as trying to show off your vocabulary by forcing a big word into a spot where it's unnecessary. Something like "the heavily-marked essay" would have made the same point, been different enough to not seem repetitive, and not made your audience stop and think about the word you're using.
If this seems nit-picky, I apologize, but if you're writing about writing, you really can't afford any unintended mistakes in spelling, grammar, punctuation, or word usage. (They aren't exactly desirable the rest of the time, either, but they're also less likely to be misread as a deliberate choice.)
More positive news: I like that Midnight is learning to be a bit more tactful, but that it's still something she needs to think about. Major personality shifts like that don't just happen, they take a lot of time and effort, and it's good that you're showing her as still having a ways to go. And having Fluttershy be the one to teach her to be kinder is... really, who else would you choose? Social decorum is more up Rarity's alley, but kindness is definitely Fluttershy.
I'm inclined to agree with >>Zaid Val'Roa that having something more than the two scenes you've got would help.
A related complaint is that you never want your prose to accidentally get in the way of your story, and there are a few spots I think you've done that here. For example, "sanguineous": I get that you're trying to tie back to your previous description of the paper as "bloodied", but not only is it a redundant image, it also comes off a bit as trying to show off your vocabulary by forcing a big word into a spot where it's unnecessary. Something like "the heavily-marked essay" would have made the same point, been different enough to not seem repetitive, and not made your audience stop and think about the word you're using.
If this seems nit-picky, I apologize, but if you're writing about writing, you really can't afford any unintended mistakes in spelling, grammar, punctuation, or word usage. (They aren't exactly desirable the rest of the time, either, but they're also less likely to be misread as a deliberate choice.)
More positive news: I like that Midnight is learning to be a bit more tactful, but that it's still something she needs to think about. Major personality shifts like that don't just happen, they take a lot of time and effort, and it's good that you're showing her as still having a ways to go. And having Fluttershy be the one to teach her to be kinder is... really, who else would you choose? Social decorum is more up Rarity's alley, but kindness is definitely Fluttershy.
I'm inclined to agree with >>Zaid Val'Roa that having something more than the two scenes you've got would help.
Fun little story to read. As was stated before, you could have spent some more time flushing out the relationship between the two main characters.
I must say, I really enjoyed Midnight Sparkle in this. Not so much an evil version of Twilight, as a snarky version of her. Would that make her Midnight Snarkle? Her character is definitely the best part about this entire story.
The odd closet homicidal Tendencies of Fluttershy did seem off-putting and out of place, but I'm guessing they were played for comedy. It may have just missed the target with me.
I must say, I really enjoyed Midnight Sparkle in this. Not so much an evil version of Twilight, as a snarky version of her. Would that make her Midnight Snarkle? Her character is definitely the best part about this entire story.
The odd closet homicidal Tendencies of Fluttershy did seem off-putting and out of place, but I'm guessing they were played for comedy. It may have just missed the target with me.
This is cute.
Oh, it's going to be that kind of story. Ahem.
Anyway, it's a cute story, but I think it could use a bit more. Maybe a turning point for Midnight, or more conflict? It feels more like a minific than a short story, even though you weren't padding. I'm not sure what's missing but I feel like this deserves more horse words and more concept.
The visage of the destroyer-cum-tutor appeared...
Oh, it's going to be that kind of story. Ahem.
Anyway, it's a cute story, but I think it could use a bit more. Maybe a turning point for Midnight, or more conflict? It feels more like a minific than a short story, even though you weren't padding. I'm not sure what's missing but I feel like this deserves more horse words and more concept.
More reviewing of things not in the final:
This has its strengths but something stops me liking it as much as I want to.
I enjoy comedy when it comes from simply exaggerating some of a character's traits. But I think the core of them needs to stay believable.
I just don't quite buy Fluttershy here. I realise she's being played for laughs; I'm fine with her asking felids for writing advice. Having secret murder-plans could be fun, because it's so absurd. But much of her dialogue sounds more like Twi to me. She's a bit too sarcastic. A bit too aggressive when she's being passive-aggressive.
Midnight amuses me, just being a bitch out of nowhere. Her timing is great. But I don't see Flutters really putting up with her for no reason. Fluttershy's acceptance of the situation seems rather too quick and neat, I would expect Midnight to have to bribe Flutters into accepting help.
I don't know where you'd go with it, but it would be funny to see more of this Midnight, hopping between the mane 6/7/8 trying to offer advice but also being abusive. I think it would need a bit more setup though.
This has its strengths but something stops me liking it as much as I want to.
I enjoy comedy when it comes from simply exaggerating some of a character's traits. But I think the core of them needs to stay believable.
I just don't quite buy Fluttershy here. I realise she's being played for laughs; I'm fine with her asking felids for writing advice. Having secret murder-plans could be fun, because it's so absurd. But much of her dialogue sounds more like Twi to me. She's a bit too sarcastic. A bit too aggressive when she's being passive-aggressive.
Midnight amuses me, just being a bitch out of nowhere. Her timing is great. But I don't see Flutters really putting up with her for no reason. Fluttershy's acceptance of the situation seems rather too quick and neat, I would expect Midnight to have to bribe Flutters into accepting help.
I don't know where you'd go with it, but it would be funny to see more of this Midnight, hopping between the mane 6/7/8 trying to offer advice but also being abusive. I think it would need a bit more setup though.