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Djinn
When I woke up, I found myself staring into deep gray eyes, the color of a raging tempest.
I didn’t mean that in the metaphorical sense. I meant eyes that literally had storms swirling about inside them. A part of me wanted to jump backwards, to scramble away, to shriek in fear and surprise. But all I could do at the moment was stare, transfixed. Dark purple pupils met my gaze with an intensity I had never known before now.
I blinked first.
When my eyes opened a split second later, the companion to my impromptu staring contest had backed away, and was standing in the center of the room. She was tall, her skin an ashen gray, mottled with splotches of green and blue and purple in places. Her long white hair flowed down her shoulders like a downpour against glass, and she wore only a thin, wavy dress that looked to be made of clouds. Her eyes were still locked to mine, and her lips curled up in an expression that seemed curious, and slightly amused.
It seemed that my summoning spell had worked after all. I had successfully called a Djinn into this world, and bound her into my service.
I groaned as I pulled myself to my feet. My body ached in ways I hadn’t remembered it aching before. I seemed to by lying in a pile of broken wood that I’m pretty sure was a table not very long ago.
My memory struggled to piece together images in my mind. The summoning circle, the receptacle. Everything had been perfect, right? But I remembered a bright flash, and the searing pain of lightning coursing through my body.
Maybe that was just how it went. This was my first time, after all, and it wasn’t like anyone ever told me about the process.
Either way, I could muse about the specifics later. There were still formalities to be observed. I brushed more splinters off of my skirt, and stood up to my full height, which was a full head shorter than the Djinn’s. “Djinn,” I commanded, my voice coming out far more powerfully than I felt at the moment. “I am Princess Amethenia. For generations, my bloodline has bound Djinns to their service. You are to be my bonded companion, to serve me in any capacities in which you are able.”
The Djinn stared at me, her stormy eyes wide, for a long time. Sweat trickled down the back of neck as I waited. Finally, she broke the silence with a giggle, a sound like a gentle breeze on windchimes. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Amethee…. Ametha… can I just call you Amy? Yes, that is much better. Amy. You may call me Zephyr.”
I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding. Zephyr, huh? A more proper princess might have prickled at the thought of being referred to by such an informal nickname, but I kind of liked the idea. We were supposed to be companions, right? I tried to think back to what my mother’s Djinn looked like, but my memories were far too hazy. “I hope we can get along, Zephyr.”
I took a step forward, and my slippers caught on a piece of debris. I toppled forwards, windmilling my arms in a useless attempt to stay balanced.
Zephyr caught me, the touch of her fingertips on my skin like static electricity. “Sorry!” She stood me upright, then backed away and gestured around at the room. “I guess this is my fault, huh?”
I shook my head. “It’s okay, thank you. I—” I paused, and took another look at the state of the room. I’d performed the summoning in the library, and it looked like a tornado had torn through here with reckless abandon. I suppose that was to be expected. The Viziers would certainly give me a tongue lashing for it.
Thinking of them brought my attention back to Zephyr, and countless lectures about how to deal with Djinn rang in my skull. I needed to be firm, controlling. To never give an inch, to never waver in front of the storm, or risk total annihilation.
Zephyr tiptoed across the room in long, dancing strides. Whenever her feet left the ground, she floated for a half second before touching back down. She pulled a discarded book from an overturned bookshelf and held it up. “So what do you plan to do now, Princess Amy?”
“I am the princess.” It’s an obvious statement, and I suspect I said it just as much to reassure myself as an attempt to explain anything. “With a bonded Djinn at my side, I am now ready to approach the Viziers, and undergo the trials. If I am successful, I will be ready to take the throne, as I have always been destined to do.”
“Well, I suppose that’s implied by the title of princess.” Zephyr glanced my way, then returned to her study of the book, flipping through a few pages before sliding it back into place on a still intact bookshelf. “You must be very happy, finally getting what you wanted after so long.”
Her words struck me deeper than I should have let them. I lowered my head, folding my arms over my stomach. “I’m doing what I must, what I was born to do. Whether I’m happy about it, or whether or not I have any choice in the matter… that doesn’t really matter.”
With a rush of wind, Zephyr appeared in front of me, bent over, floating a foot above the ground. Her eyes crackled with lightning. “You have no choice in the matter, you say? I can’t imagine what that’s like.”
I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I balled my hands into fists, and did not allow myself to waver. I had to remain strong. “That is correct. I am forced into my path just as surely as you are forced into my service. Our destinies are intertwined now, and there is no changing that for either of us. I wish it could be another way, but they say Djinn capable of granting wishes are just a myth. I’m sorry, for what little that counts.”
Zephyr threw back her head and laughed, the sound powerful enough to make me wince. She floated backwards, then flew about the room, circling the library and kicking up enough wind to knock down even more books. “You’re sorry, huh?” Zephyr said, floating in the middle of the room where I had carved the summoning circle. “Well, I appreciate the sentiment at least. I’m sure few of the Djinn bound by your family have received that minor conciliation. But destiny isn’t something nearly as solid as you seem to believe, Princess.”
“While I wish that were true, I am bound to this place, just as surely as you. I mean it when I—” I took a step forward, and a shard of broken pottery crunched under my heel. I lifted my foot to find an all too familiar design staring back up at me. Icy terror slid down my spine, and I finally looked closely at the summoning circle. The clay jar, the receptacle that was meant to bind the Djinn to me and to this world, had been shattered and scattered across the room.
Zephyr grinned wickedly. “Case in point, I’m not bound to anything. Good luck with your destiny, Princess!” She winked, then sped out the open window with a thunderclap that brought me to my knees.
I’d failed.
I stood on top of the tallest tower in the palace, and looked over the city under the light of the full moon.
The cool nighttime breeze blew my bangs into my eyes as I leaned over the edge, the stone crenelations scraping my elbows. Allegedly, everything I could see belonged to me, or at least it would someday. But it still didn’t feel real. What was the point in ruling over a city whose streets I couldn’t walk? Of a populace whose ills I couldn’t hear, whom I could never see or touch? Even now, at this late hour, I could see flickering lamplight peeking out of open windows below.
Where there was light, there werepeople. I wondered just who was down there, what they were doing? What were their hopes, their dreams, their fears? What would they think, if they knew I was up here looking down on them?
I’d pondered such questions ever since I was a little girl, and had never received an answer.
“You look sad.”
A shadow passed over me, and I looked up to see Zephyr floating in front of the moon. Silvery light streamed through her hair and her dress of clouds. I’m not entirely sure I’d ever seen anything so beautiful before. “Why are you still here? Shouldn’t you have returned to… wherever Djinn go?”
Zephyr smiled, and touched down on a nearby crenelation, her bare feet making no sound as she glided across the stone. “I still have business in your world. Why are you still here? Surely you are persistent. Why not try again, and enslave one of my sisters instead?”
I groaned, and I buried my face in my hands. “I don’t want to do that. I don’t want any of this.” I gestured vaguely at my surroundings. “If I messed up in summoning you so badly, then it's even more clear that I am unfit for this job. But what other choice do I have?”
“You could go.” Zephyr stayed still, but her voice was a gentle caress in my ear, as if she were right next to me. “If you want to escape this life of yours so badly, throw yourself off this tower. I will catch you, and together we shall glide into this city. Or we can ride the winds even farther, to wherever they take us.”
I turned to Zephyr and raised an eyebrow, trying to ignore the twisting knots in my stomach. “Whether you’re telling the truth, or just trying to trick me into leaping to my death off of this tower, the result is the same. I would end up dead.”
Zephyr blinked, then hopped off the edge. “I was not lying. I would not let you fall to the ground. But what do you mean, you would die? The world is not nearly so dangerous. Nor are there any hunters out there that can catch the wind.”
I opened my mouth to retort that the royal family had been catching and binding ‘the wind’ for generations, but decided against it. Instead, I sighed. “When I was born, the Viziers brought me to the throne, and pricked my finger against the thorns on the back. My soul is bound to the throne. As was my mother. And so were my sisters, my competition to take my place should I fail. Only one of us can rule, after all.” An old legend about an exception to that flitted through my memory, but it wasn’t relevant. “If we leave the palace, whether voluntarily or by force, I should add, we die. It is our duty to stay here at the seat of this nation at all times.”
“Oh.” Zephyr stepped closer to me, and I unconsciously took a step back. She smiled, then gently reached out her hand to take mine in hers. Her touch tickled on my skin, and my heart skipped a beat. She extended my left index finger, inspecting it in the moonlight. Presumably the one that was used for the ritual. “I see. You truly are bound here. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize. It seems like a despicable practice, to me. But why then, do you bind me and my people?”
I licked my lips, but didn’t pull my hands away. The rooftop seemed warmer for some reason. “It completes the ritual, and gives us the power to complete the trials, and to rule. At least I think it does. That’s what I was told by my mother, and the viziers. It isn’t like I’ve had much exposure to second opinions.”
“Well, it certainly would make you powerful, there’s no doubt about that.” Zephyr let my hand go, and it felt empty. “What would you do, if you could leave?”
“I don’t know.” Hardly the most satisfying answer, but it was all I had. I turned my attention back to the city. Some of the lights that shone previously had winked out during our conversation. I pointed my finger towards one light that still shone, in a tower far across the bay. “I would go there.”
Zephyr leaned over the edge, shading her eyes with her fingers. ‘What is there?”
“I don’t know,” I said again. “But there’s a light in that window every night until three, then it goes out. It’s almost exact.” I took a deep breath, then sighed. I didn’t know why I was being so talkative with Zephyr, but… who else had I to confide in? My mother was long gone, and I was never allowed to see my sisters. “I used to make up stories about that window when I was little. That maybe there was something better there, than what I had here.”
“Hmm.” Zephyr placed a finger on her lips. “Shall I check it out then?”
“What do you—”
With another thunderclap, and an arc of lightning half way across the city, Zephyr vanished.
I groaned and blinked the spots out of my eyes. After I could see again, I looked towards the tower window. It was too far to make out any detail, but I could see a shadow bobbing in front of the light that was assuredly Zephyr.
Dogs barked from down below, and several more lights flickered on throughout the city. Zephyr’s lack of subtlety hadn’t gone unnoticed. It certainly was odd, talking to her. Everything I’d been led to believe suggested that a free Djinn would have slain me by now. But Zephyr was…
A strong wind buffeted me, splaying my dark hair about everywhere, and nearly knocking me to the ground. I gripped onto the crenelations for support, and just as suddenly as it had started, the wind died down to a gentle breeze. I glanced about, expecting Zephyr’s return, but found nothing. Then I heard her voice, carried over the wind.
“So, the princess has always wondered who lives in the tower.”
“The princess?” asked the voice of an older woman. “Oh no, great spirit. I am nobody important. I’m just a simple clerk, nothing more.”
“Just a clerk, huh? That’s kind of a shame. She says you always have your light on until late at night, and keep very regular hours.”
“Working this late is just how I like to get my numbers in. I can focus when the city isn’t bustling with noise. I mean no offense to the princess, of course. I’m sorry that I’m not anybody more interesting.”
“Oh well. Thanks for talking to me anyway. Good luck with your clerk-ing!”
I stared at the window, my heart pounding in my chest. Just what did the common people think of me, anyway? I had absolutely no way of knowing. Though apparently Zephyr could glean an answer or two in my stead.
But why would she? I hadn’t bound her to my service, after all. She was likely just satisfying her alien curiosity, and would leave as soon as things got boring.
“Sorry, guess it wasn’t much after all,” Zephyr said. She floated down from above on a current of wind. “Say, how far to the castle grounds extend? To the point that leaving would kill you, I mean.”
I frowned, and glanced down at the edge. It took me awhile to pick out the right set of torches, but I pointed to the gatehouse. “There. I If I get too close, I start to feel sick. It’s the same for the walls that circle the palace.”
Zephyr nodded, her grin wide. “That should do just fine. Even if you can’t leave the palace… well. Would you like to try flying?”
“What?” I stared at her, uncomprehending for several moments before it finally dawned on me, and my heart leapt into my throat. “Y-you want me to… fly? Like, in the actual air?”
“Yeah!” Zephyr floated on the edge of the tower, hands held out in invitation. “I won’t drop you, I promise.”
“That’s not the…” My heart pounded in my chest. Was I actually considering this? It was insane. Why would I trust my life to a creature I’d tried to enslave earlier today? It could all be a trick just to drop me to my death.
But Zephyr likely had the power to kill me where I stood, and hadn’t yet done so. My knees shaking, I climbed up on the edge of the crenelations. I started to stand up, but I looked down, and my stomach did somersaults.
Zephyr caught me, holding me steady on the edge. “You look so pale,” she said with a giggle. “I suppose it must be different, for you humans who don’t command the air, but to me it just is.” She floated backwards a few feet, so her arms and mine were fully extended, our fingertips touching. “Step forward whenever you’re ready.”
This could kill me. I could die. A wry thought bubbled up to the surface, suggesting that death wouldn’t be so terrible of an outcome after all, but I stamped it down. All I had to do was take one step. My body refused to move, obeying the laws of common sense even as my brain tried to override them.
“It’s okay.” Zephyr smiled. “I’ve got you.”
I closed my eyes shut, and took one step forward. Electricity shot up my arms, my whole body abuzz with energy.
I didn’t fall. I opened my eyes to find myself standing on open air. “Gods above,” I swore, then barked a nervous laugh. I took another step forward, and no longer had the purchase of anything solid underneath me. “I’m flying. I’m actually flying.”
“See!” Zephyr laughed, and it was the most wonderful sound in the world. “I told you it would be okay. It’s not so bad, right?”
“You’re right! This is amaz—”
I fell.
The ground plummeted towards me. My scream ripped through the night air, surely alerting every guard in the palace. Zephyr clung to me, laughing like a mad woman.
Before the ground broke my body into pieces, Zephyr banked, and we soared upwards in a curving spiral. I stared at Zephyr, in shock, sure that if I wasn’t going to fall to death, my heart would give out shortly. “You could have warned me!” I managed to choke out, but it was mostly absorbed by the whipping winds around us. I raised a fist, as if to punch her in the chest, but the movement caught my arm in the wind, sending it jerking back, and I quickly retracted it, and clung to Zephyr even tighter.
“I’m sorry,” Zephyr said with a grin, her voice perfectly clear despite the noise. ‘I couldn’t resist.”
We climbed higher and higher, until the clouds were closer than the palace. I didn’t know whether or not my binding to the palace extended vertically as well, but given the lack of sudden death I encountered, I suspected it did not.
Soon, our upward climb was arrested, and Zephyr spread away from me, holding onto only one hand as we fell towards the earth. Surely we fell at the same incredible speed I had earlier, but with the ground so far away, it was hardly noticeable.
I opened my mouth to speak, but I felt light headed, and cold, and could hardly breathe.
Zephyr frowned, then blew a kiss towards me. All of a sudden, the air around me cleared, I could breath normally, and there was no longer a torrent of sound. “Isn’t this simply wonderful? Zephyr asked, gesturing grandly.
“That’s… really my city?” It was so far away. Barely the size of a single coin against the dirt. The land stretched on for miles and miles and miles. Land I had never seen before. There was apparently a lake to the east, nestled in a mountain valley. I knew of it on the map, but to see it like this... Had any humans ever lay witness to such a sight? I shivered, though not from the cold.
“This is what it means to be Djinn,” Zephyr said. “Do you like it?”
“Do I like it?” I found myself laughing, uproariously. All the tension, the stress, the confusion, the failure. It all melted away as a doubled up, laughing my head off as I plummeted towards the earth.
Zephyr squeezed my hand. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
I nodded, tears of joy welling up in my eyes.
I wasn’t sure how long it took for us to return to the castle. Once we got closer, our descent slowed, until my feet gently touched against the top of the tower once more, and I collapsed into a heap, panting heavily.
Zephyr crouched next to me, and smoothed my bangs to the side. “We could go back up, any time you want.”
“I think I’m good for tonight,” I said, giving half of a smile. It may have been a stray panicked thought earlier, but I really didn’t think my heart could take much more excitement for one night. “But why would you do that, anyway? Why do any of this for me? After what I tried to do to you earlier…”
“Ah.” Zephyr pulled away, her face serious. “Well, the look on your face was delightful. And it’s not often you get to see the joy of someone flying for the first time. Especially when it’s so commonplace for one such as I.”
I pursed my lips. “That’s not the only reason, is it?”
Zephyr shook her head. “No, it’s not.”
I looked over into her eyes, and found… hesitation, there? Whatever she was about to say, it was clearly important to her. I reached over, and placed my hand on hers. “It’s okay.”
“Of course.” Zephyr took a deep breath. “I may be able to grant your wish, if you grant me mine in return.”
“You can… grant my wish?” I glanced over the crenelations towards the city. “But Djinn can’t grant wishes. That’s just a myth.”
Zephyr shook her head. “Yes and no. Not so much a myth, as it is a closely guarded. No individual Djinn can grant a wish.”
I blinked, thinking through the implications. “Are you saying that… multiple Djinn could grant one? But where would get anything like that? I don’t think I’m up to summoning more, and—”
“No summoning. It’s a very painful process for us, you know.” Zephyr winced, then sighed. “What does the royal family do with Djinn once their masters have died?”
“They inter them in the family crypts. Each receptacle rests by the woman who owned it,” I recite the answer as if talking to a tutor, then frown at Zephyr. “Why do you ask?”
Zephyr grinned, sparks shooting from her eyes. “If we could free them, that would be enough Djinn to grant your wish, would it not? My sisters have rotted in your smelly tomb for far too long.”
I shook my head. “There’s no way. The crypts are guarded by the spirits of ancient soldiers. If anything in the tomb is broken or tampered with, they’ll attack without mercy.”
“Did you forget who you’re dealing with here?” Zephyr spread her fingers wide, and lightning arced between them. “If we go together, I can take care of any problems. Problem solving is what Djinn are enslaved for in the first place, you know.”
“It’s still not enough. The royal crypts are sealed with the same sort of spell that binds me to the throne. If you’re not bound to me, then you won’t even be able to get inside.”
Zephyr grunted, then crossed her arms over her chest. She pushed up from the ground, lazily floating in the air, her brow furrowed in thought.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, wringing my hands in my skirt. “I don’t know if there’s a better way to get down there, but—”
“Bind me, then.”
“What?”
Zephyr looked me in the eye, her gaze piercing. “Bind me to you, we can go down to the crypt, free my sisters, fight off the guardians, and grant your wish, so you can leave the palace. Then you can break the contract, and I’ll be free too. Everybody wins.”
My heart skipped a beat. “You… would trust me, to do something like that? To just let you go, once I have you in my power?”
Zephyr smiled, and put her hands on mine. “You trusted me to walk off a ledge, didn’t you? We can do this, together. You and me.”
“Okay. Okay.” I licked my lips, and swallowed. My cheeks were burning. I stood up, and started pacing. “I’ll have to draw a new summoning circle for the ritual, and—”
“No circles needed!” Zephyr laughed, then floated to the front of me, an odd expression on her face. “If I’m making a pact voluntarily, the ritual is much less complicated.”
That made sense. I took a deep breath, and let myself relax. “Okay. What do I have to do?”
“Oh, not much.” Zephyr reached out and cupped my cheeks, her touch stinging with tiny sparks. She brought her face close to mind, and I could feel her breath on my lips.
“What are you…”
Zephyr’s eyes lit up with lightning, and she opened her mouth wide. A light shone from her throat, and a small orb, about the size of a marble floated from her, until it hovered in the distance between us.
I stared at the orb, then looked up to meet Zephyr’s gaze and somehow knew what was coming next.
Zephyr pressed our lips together, the orb between them, and a tingle of power washed through me. I could suddenly feel every tiny movement of the air around us, and could hear Zephyr’s heartbeat as if it were my own.
Ritual aside, I held that kiss for longer than was strictly necessary.
Zephyr finally pulled away, her blush showing even through her dark gray complexion. “The pact is sealed,” she breathed, her voice barely a whisper.
“Wow,” I muttered. I’m sure my own face was radiant at the moment, and I couldn’t seem to stop smiling. “I don’t suppose, um, we could maybe do that again sometime?”
Zephyr giggled, then leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek. “Sure. But first, we have a job to do, right?”
“Right.”
I stood in front of the door to the royal crypts, Zephyr by my side.
The guard eyed me up and down, a bead of sweat forming on his forehead. “Uh, princess?”
I held my chin up high, looking down on him despite his height advantage. “I am going to go pay respects to my mother. Please step aside.”
Zephyr giggled. She had taken on a translucent, cloud-like appearance, and I suspected that the guard couldn’t see her, judging by his lack of a reaction.
“It’s awfully late, Princess. Surely you could—”
My harshest glare silenced him, and he swallowed. “My apologies. I won’t stand in your way.”
“Thank you for your cooperation.” I walked past him, up to the heavy stone doors. When I placed my hand on them, they flashed red for a moment, before they rumbled and slid open.
Zephyr shivered as we stepped inside. “Being inside is bad enough, but I can’t stand being underground like this.”
“I’m sorry.” Once we were a few ways in, the doors slid closed behind us, and torches lit up on the wall, welcoming my presence as a member of the royal family. “We won’t be here long, with any luck.”
“Things might start to get hectic, once we start breaking things.” Zephyr stretched, cracking her knuckles, even as she floated on her back. “Do you know where you're going?”
Generations and generations of my family were entombed down here. Not all of them with Djinn. It was labyrinthine maze, easy to get lost in. I had gotten lost on several occasions, but there was at least one place I knew how to find by heart.
My footsteps echoed through the hallways in silence, and Zephyr kept quiet as well. My somber trek went on for maybe five minutes, before I found the small alcove in which sat a statue of my mother, a clay pot resting at the base.
“Hi, Mom,” I said, my voice sounding loud to my own ears. No response came, but I didn’t expect one. “I guess I haven’t been down here in awhile, huh? I have a Djinn now. Her name is Zephyr.”
Zephyr placed a hand on my shoulder, and I took a deep, shuddering, breath.
“Zephyr and I are going to run away together. There’s a way to break the binding that keeps me here. I don’t know if that's something you want for me or not. I guess I never knew you well enough. I’m sorry. But I’ve made my decision.”
A chill breeze blew through the alcove, and Zephyr reached a hand down to touch the pot, but her hand went straight through it, as if she were trying to grab ahold of smoke. “Looks like it has to be you.”
“Right. I took a deep breath, then carefully took the pot in my hands, and lifted it above my head. “Here goes nothing!”
Before I could cast the pot to the ground, something icy cold grabbed ahold of my wrist.
I turned to see the shimmering, ghostly blue form of my mother standing there, a blue imprint left on my wrist from her touch. “What are you doing? If you go through with this, child, you will undermine all the power our family has sought to build! It is this accumulated legacy that gives you the right, the strength to rule!”
“Agh, that hurts!” I tried to wrench my grip free from my mother, but it was like trying to bend steel. “What right? What rule? We’re just puppets, playthings of the Viziers. What ruling do we even do?”
“You are just a child, Amethenia!” my mother spat. “Meddling with forces you do not understand! Cease this foolish venture at once!”
I glanced over towards Zephyr. She had a pained, pleading look in her eyes, most of her attention focused on the jar. “And what, enslave Djinn, just as we are ourselves enslaved?”
“If you had undertaken the trials, you would know your place in the world, or have died trying. This country will not be ruled by the weak!”
Well, that made my mother’s opinion perfectly clear. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and the terror in my transformed into anger. I nodded to Zephyr, then grabbed ahold of my mother’s wrist. Electricity arced through the ghost of my mother, she screamed in agony, releasing the hold on me.
I stumbled backwards, and Zephyr caught me. I murmured a quick thanks, then dashed the pot against the wall.
Mother shrieked and her voice was echoed by the shrieks of a thousand others, the echoing labyrinth creating a sonic assault that threatened to overwhelm me. I saw a glowing blue orb float into the air from the shards of broken pottery.
Zephyr cheered, and darted over. The light started orbiting her wrist. “We’ll need six more! You need seven, unbonded Djinn to grant a wish!”
“You’re dooming us all!” my mother shrieked after me.
I dashed out of the corridor, only to narrowly duck below a spectral sword swung at my neck. A ghost of another woman stood before me, one I didn’t recognize, and she raised her sword for another thrust.
Zephyr reacted before I could, kicking the woman in the chest with a shower of sparks that sent her flying through the wall. “I can feel where the other Djinn are being held. Down that hallway!”
Shrieks, moans, and curses followed me with every step. More ghosts gathered to block my path, and a raised hand brought lightning down upon them, their essence fading like mist before me. I found the second alcove, and swept the pot off its pedestal without even stopping to take a breath. A second Djinn joined the first.
“There’s a bunch up ahead,” Zephyr shouted as she sent a gust of wind down the tunnel behind us.
Two more quick turns, and I found myself face to face with a trio of three statues. The ghosts of three women stood in front of them, with regal expressions. The sight jogged my memory. Apparently, the legend of about a trio of triplets who had managed to ascend to the throne together was true after all.
“You cannot fight destiny, child,” the one on the left said.
“There is a greater plan for all of us,” the one in the middle said.
“Turn back now, or join us down here forever,” finished the one on the left.
I raised my hand, to discharge more lightning in their direction. The raised their hands in front of them simultaneously, and my lightning dissipated harmlessly.
Well, that wasn’t good. I swallowed, and felt sweat trickle down the back of my neck. I could still hear shrieks in the tunnels behind us, and knew I didn’t have a lot of time. “I wish I had my sword,” I muttered. “I’m a good fencer, you know?”
Zephyr glanced at me, then grinned. “Well, you should have said that earlier.” She blew me a kiss, which turned into mist. The mist swirled around my hand, until it eventually took the shape of a fencing saber.
I hefted the ephemeral sword in front of me. It was lighter than I was used to, but it would have to do. I lunged forward, aiming to skewer the sister on the right.
As one, they side stepped to the left, circling around me. The left sister lashed out, and caught me in my left arm. Any icy chill ran through me, and my left arm fell limp at my side.
It didn’t matter. I’d slipped past them, and darted to the altar to shatter all three pots.
“No!” they cried out in unison.
Lightning arced from behind them, catching them off guard, and the three sisters faded into mist. Zephyr stood there with smoking fingers. “You alright?”
I lifted my left arm with my right, then released. It flopped about uselessly. “I’ll be fine,” I said through gritted teeth. “It doesn’t hurt. Come on, we have to keep moving.”
Zephyr nodded, and sped down the corridor.
I lashed out with my saber when ghosts lunged at me. Luckily, the sixth Djinn proved an easy rescue, an urn lying on its side in an unguarded alcove. The lights around Zephyr’s wrist were almost blinding in their radiance and speed now. Only one left.
I ran straight through Zephyr, skidding to a halt when I realized she’d stopped. We were at a fork in the tunnel. “Which way?”
Zephyr bit her lip. “I don’t know, there’s a Djinn in either direction.”
“Then let's just pick one!” I hesitated for only a moment longer, before charging left.
One corner, then another. Only to find myself at a dead end, with no Djinn in sight.
“Uh oh,” Zephyr muttered. “It’s on the other side of this wall.”
Just who designed this place, anyway? I swore under my breath, “We’ll just double back then, not a big… deal.”
I turned to find that ghosts had poured into the hallway behind us, a swarm of them, too dense for us to slip past. I took a step back, and felt the cold stone wall press against my back. I glanced at Zephyr, and we raised our hands together.
The flash and cacophonous blast of thunder in such a confined space that we unleashed would have destroyed the senses of any normal human, but it seemed that being bonded to a Djinn had its perks.
Even then, when I finished blinking the spots out of my eyes, the horde of ghosts still stood. Together, they’d dissipated the lightning, just like the sisters had done earlier.
Zephyr lowered her head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten you involved in this. This power has ruled for generations. If an assault like this could disrupt it so easily, someone would have done so by now.”
My heart pounded in my chest. I dropped the sword, and reached out to take Zephyr’s hand in my own. “You said it takes six unbonded Djinn to grant a wish, right?”
“Yeah, that’s right.” Zephyr held up her hand, the six lights still spinning around it. Unshed tears glistened in her stormy eyes. “We almost made it.”
“Good.” I closed the distance between us, and locked my lips to hers. “I release you from your contract.”
“What, no, if you do that—”
That little orb I’d absorbed earlier flew out of me and back into Zephyr. All the strength left my body, my left arm screamed with agony, and I crumpled to a heap on the ground.
Zephyr knelt down beside me, cradling my head in her arms. “Amy, come on. Wishing for freedom here and now won’t do you any good. We still have to make it out of here, and we won’t be able to do that if we’re not bonded!”
“That’s okay.” My vision swam. The lights of the other Djinn floated into the air, and I could see vague outlines of six women standing behind Zephyr, “I wish for all the Djinn trapped in these catacombs to be freed.”
Zephyr’s eyes widened, and the last thing I heard before unconsciousness claimed me was a titanic rumble and an undying shriek that surely made even the gods take notice.
When I woke up, I found myself staring into light blue eyes, the color of the sky at dawn.
I blinked, and groaned. My body ached everywhere, and my left arm was on fire with a thousand pins and needles prickling my flesh.
“Hey,” Zephyr said, and ran her cool fingers across my forehead. “Welcome back.”
“I guess I’m alive, huh?” I sat up, blinking away sleep, and taking stock of my surroundings. I could just barely see the sun peaking up over the horizon, casting its first rays of light over the city. I could see the palace to my left, a thin trail of smoke rising from it.
The palace...
“We’re outside the palace!?” I sputtered. I looked around, and sure enough, while we were high on a tower somewhere, it wasn’t the tower I was used to. “But how? I wished for you to be free, not for my own curse to be lifted.”
Zephyr grinned. “How do you think you could be bound to the throne in the first place? You humans could do no magic without Djinn, and without Djinn, there is no magic.”
“That makes sense, but... “ I frowned, and scratched at my chin. “Is the summoning we do not magic? How could we have summoned any Djinn in the first place?”
“I suspect that somewhere far back in history, a Djinn made a contract willingly.” Zephyr scowled, then shook her head. “But it is of no matter now. This legacy is over.”
I nodded. “Did all your sisters make it out okay?”
“Yeah. Most of them were in a pretty bad mood, but they’ve returned home.” Zephyr sat down next to me, scooting close, and placed her hand on mine.
“Thank you,” I murmured, and leaned closer, resting my shoulder on hers. I couldn’t look away from the sight of the palace from the outside. From down here in the city, it looked awfully intimidating. “What do you think is going to happen? If what you say is true, then we really did just destroy the entire system of rulership.”
“Good riddance,” Zephyr spat. “Maybe they can find some other method of governance that doesn’t involve enslaving my people. Some of my sisters have stayed behind to keep a watch on things. They shouldn’t be able to summon any more Djinn without the magic of the palace, but on the off chance they find another way, there will be a nasty surprise waiting for them.”
“I see.” I thought of my younger sisters, still up there in the palace somewhere. Their chance of ruling with me the eldest was already pretty slim, but now it would forever be out of their grasp. I wondered how they would cope.
We sat there for some time, in silence. As the sun rose higher in the sky, the city began to wake up around us. People milled out of their homes, to go to their jobs, to the market. Criers began shouting the news, though it seemed like the events at the palace weren’t yet known.
I took a deep breath, and bit my lip. “I suppose you’ll be going then, huh?”
Zephyr chuckled, then reached out to grasp my cheek, and turned my gaze towards hers. “There’s a lot I think that I’d like to see in this world. I wouldn’t mind seeing it with you.” She leaned in to kiss me. My lips tingled from her touch, although there was no transfer of power this time.
“I’d like that a lot,” I murmured, my cheeks red.
Zephyr stood up and bounced away, giggling, before hovering over the edge of the roof. She held out her hands in invitation. “You trust me, right?”
I grinned, then stood up myself. My steps were unsteady, my left arm still numb, but I took her right hand in my own, and stepped off the edge. “Absolutely.”
I didn’t mean that in the metaphorical sense. I meant eyes that literally had storms swirling about inside them. A part of me wanted to jump backwards, to scramble away, to shriek in fear and surprise. But all I could do at the moment was stare, transfixed. Dark purple pupils met my gaze with an intensity I had never known before now.
I blinked first.
When my eyes opened a split second later, the companion to my impromptu staring contest had backed away, and was standing in the center of the room. She was tall, her skin an ashen gray, mottled with splotches of green and blue and purple in places. Her long white hair flowed down her shoulders like a downpour against glass, and she wore only a thin, wavy dress that looked to be made of clouds. Her eyes were still locked to mine, and her lips curled up in an expression that seemed curious, and slightly amused.
It seemed that my summoning spell had worked after all. I had successfully called a Djinn into this world, and bound her into my service.
I groaned as I pulled myself to my feet. My body ached in ways I hadn’t remembered it aching before. I seemed to by lying in a pile of broken wood that I’m pretty sure was a table not very long ago.
My memory struggled to piece together images in my mind. The summoning circle, the receptacle. Everything had been perfect, right? But I remembered a bright flash, and the searing pain of lightning coursing through my body.
Maybe that was just how it went. This was my first time, after all, and it wasn’t like anyone ever told me about the process.
Either way, I could muse about the specifics later. There were still formalities to be observed. I brushed more splinters off of my skirt, and stood up to my full height, which was a full head shorter than the Djinn’s. “Djinn,” I commanded, my voice coming out far more powerfully than I felt at the moment. “I am Princess Amethenia. For generations, my bloodline has bound Djinns to their service. You are to be my bonded companion, to serve me in any capacities in which you are able.”
The Djinn stared at me, her stormy eyes wide, for a long time. Sweat trickled down the back of neck as I waited. Finally, she broke the silence with a giggle, a sound like a gentle breeze on windchimes. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Amethee…. Ametha… can I just call you Amy? Yes, that is much better. Amy. You may call me Zephyr.”
I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding. Zephyr, huh? A more proper princess might have prickled at the thought of being referred to by such an informal nickname, but I kind of liked the idea. We were supposed to be companions, right? I tried to think back to what my mother’s Djinn looked like, but my memories were far too hazy. “I hope we can get along, Zephyr.”
I took a step forward, and my slippers caught on a piece of debris. I toppled forwards, windmilling my arms in a useless attempt to stay balanced.
Zephyr caught me, the touch of her fingertips on my skin like static electricity. “Sorry!” She stood me upright, then backed away and gestured around at the room. “I guess this is my fault, huh?”
I shook my head. “It’s okay, thank you. I—” I paused, and took another look at the state of the room. I’d performed the summoning in the library, and it looked like a tornado had torn through here with reckless abandon. I suppose that was to be expected. The Viziers would certainly give me a tongue lashing for it.
Thinking of them brought my attention back to Zephyr, and countless lectures about how to deal with Djinn rang in my skull. I needed to be firm, controlling. To never give an inch, to never waver in front of the storm, or risk total annihilation.
Zephyr tiptoed across the room in long, dancing strides. Whenever her feet left the ground, she floated for a half second before touching back down. She pulled a discarded book from an overturned bookshelf and held it up. “So what do you plan to do now, Princess Amy?”
“I am the princess.” It’s an obvious statement, and I suspect I said it just as much to reassure myself as an attempt to explain anything. “With a bonded Djinn at my side, I am now ready to approach the Viziers, and undergo the trials. If I am successful, I will be ready to take the throne, as I have always been destined to do.”
“Well, I suppose that’s implied by the title of princess.” Zephyr glanced my way, then returned to her study of the book, flipping through a few pages before sliding it back into place on a still intact bookshelf. “You must be very happy, finally getting what you wanted after so long.”
Her words struck me deeper than I should have let them. I lowered my head, folding my arms over my stomach. “I’m doing what I must, what I was born to do. Whether I’m happy about it, or whether or not I have any choice in the matter… that doesn’t really matter.”
With a rush of wind, Zephyr appeared in front of me, bent over, floating a foot above the ground. Her eyes crackled with lightning. “You have no choice in the matter, you say? I can’t imagine what that’s like.”
I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I balled my hands into fists, and did not allow myself to waver. I had to remain strong. “That is correct. I am forced into my path just as surely as you are forced into my service. Our destinies are intertwined now, and there is no changing that for either of us. I wish it could be another way, but they say Djinn capable of granting wishes are just a myth. I’m sorry, for what little that counts.”
Zephyr threw back her head and laughed, the sound powerful enough to make me wince. She floated backwards, then flew about the room, circling the library and kicking up enough wind to knock down even more books. “You’re sorry, huh?” Zephyr said, floating in the middle of the room where I had carved the summoning circle. “Well, I appreciate the sentiment at least. I’m sure few of the Djinn bound by your family have received that minor conciliation. But destiny isn’t something nearly as solid as you seem to believe, Princess.”
“While I wish that were true, I am bound to this place, just as surely as you. I mean it when I—” I took a step forward, and a shard of broken pottery crunched under my heel. I lifted my foot to find an all too familiar design staring back up at me. Icy terror slid down my spine, and I finally looked closely at the summoning circle. The clay jar, the receptacle that was meant to bind the Djinn to me and to this world, had been shattered and scattered across the room.
Zephyr grinned wickedly. “Case in point, I’m not bound to anything. Good luck with your destiny, Princess!” She winked, then sped out the open window with a thunderclap that brought me to my knees.
I’d failed.
I stood on top of the tallest tower in the palace, and looked over the city under the light of the full moon.
The cool nighttime breeze blew my bangs into my eyes as I leaned over the edge, the stone crenelations scraping my elbows. Allegedly, everything I could see belonged to me, or at least it would someday. But it still didn’t feel real. What was the point in ruling over a city whose streets I couldn’t walk? Of a populace whose ills I couldn’t hear, whom I could never see or touch? Even now, at this late hour, I could see flickering lamplight peeking out of open windows below.
Where there was light, there werepeople. I wondered just who was down there, what they were doing? What were their hopes, their dreams, their fears? What would they think, if they knew I was up here looking down on them?
I’d pondered such questions ever since I was a little girl, and had never received an answer.
“You look sad.”
A shadow passed over me, and I looked up to see Zephyr floating in front of the moon. Silvery light streamed through her hair and her dress of clouds. I’m not entirely sure I’d ever seen anything so beautiful before. “Why are you still here? Shouldn’t you have returned to… wherever Djinn go?”
Zephyr smiled, and touched down on a nearby crenelation, her bare feet making no sound as she glided across the stone. “I still have business in your world. Why are you still here? Surely you are persistent. Why not try again, and enslave one of my sisters instead?”
I groaned, and I buried my face in my hands. “I don’t want to do that. I don’t want any of this.” I gestured vaguely at my surroundings. “If I messed up in summoning you so badly, then it's even more clear that I am unfit for this job. But what other choice do I have?”
“You could go.” Zephyr stayed still, but her voice was a gentle caress in my ear, as if she were right next to me. “If you want to escape this life of yours so badly, throw yourself off this tower. I will catch you, and together we shall glide into this city. Or we can ride the winds even farther, to wherever they take us.”
I turned to Zephyr and raised an eyebrow, trying to ignore the twisting knots in my stomach. “Whether you’re telling the truth, or just trying to trick me into leaping to my death off of this tower, the result is the same. I would end up dead.”
Zephyr blinked, then hopped off the edge. “I was not lying. I would not let you fall to the ground. But what do you mean, you would die? The world is not nearly so dangerous. Nor are there any hunters out there that can catch the wind.”
I opened my mouth to retort that the royal family had been catching and binding ‘the wind’ for generations, but decided against it. Instead, I sighed. “When I was born, the Viziers brought me to the throne, and pricked my finger against the thorns on the back. My soul is bound to the throne. As was my mother. And so were my sisters, my competition to take my place should I fail. Only one of us can rule, after all.” An old legend about an exception to that flitted through my memory, but it wasn’t relevant. “If we leave the palace, whether voluntarily or by force, I should add, we die. It is our duty to stay here at the seat of this nation at all times.”
“Oh.” Zephyr stepped closer to me, and I unconsciously took a step back. She smiled, then gently reached out her hand to take mine in hers. Her touch tickled on my skin, and my heart skipped a beat. She extended my left index finger, inspecting it in the moonlight. Presumably the one that was used for the ritual. “I see. You truly are bound here. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize. It seems like a despicable practice, to me. But why then, do you bind me and my people?”
I licked my lips, but didn’t pull my hands away. The rooftop seemed warmer for some reason. “It completes the ritual, and gives us the power to complete the trials, and to rule. At least I think it does. That’s what I was told by my mother, and the viziers. It isn’t like I’ve had much exposure to second opinions.”
“Well, it certainly would make you powerful, there’s no doubt about that.” Zephyr let my hand go, and it felt empty. “What would you do, if you could leave?”
“I don’t know.” Hardly the most satisfying answer, but it was all I had. I turned my attention back to the city. Some of the lights that shone previously had winked out during our conversation. I pointed my finger towards one light that still shone, in a tower far across the bay. “I would go there.”
Zephyr leaned over the edge, shading her eyes with her fingers. ‘What is there?”
“I don’t know,” I said again. “But there’s a light in that window every night until three, then it goes out. It’s almost exact.” I took a deep breath, then sighed. I didn’t know why I was being so talkative with Zephyr, but… who else had I to confide in? My mother was long gone, and I was never allowed to see my sisters. “I used to make up stories about that window when I was little. That maybe there was something better there, than what I had here.”
“Hmm.” Zephyr placed a finger on her lips. “Shall I check it out then?”
“What do you—”
With another thunderclap, and an arc of lightning half way across the city, Zephyr vanished.
I groaned and blinked the spots out of my eyes. After I could see again, I looked towards the tower window. It was too far to make out any detail, but I could see a shadow bobbing in front of the light that was assuredly Zephyr.
Dogs barked from down below, and several more lights flickered on throughout the city. Zephyr’s lack of subtlety hadn’t gone unnoticed. It certainly was odd, talking to her. Everything I’d been led to believe suggested that a free Djinn would have slain me by now. But Zephyr was…
A strong wind buffeted me, splaying my dark hair about everywhere, and nearly knocking me to the ground. I gripped onto the crenelations for support, and just as suddenly as it had started, the wind died down to a gentle breeze. I glanced about, expecting Zephyr’s return, but found nothing. Then I heard her voice, carried over the wind.
“So, the princess has always wondered who lives in the tower.”
“The princess?” asked the voice of an older woman. “Oh no, great spirit. I am nobody important. I’m just a simple clerk, nothing more.”
“Just a clerk, huh? That’s kind of a shame. She says you always have your light on until late at night, and keep very regular hours.”
“Working this late is just how I like to get my numbers in. I can focus when the city isn’t bustling with noise. I mean no offense to the princess, of course. I’m sorry that I’m not anybody more interesting.”
“Oh well. Thanks for talking to me anyway. Good luck with your clerk-ing!”
I stared at the window, my heart pounding in my chest. Just what did the common people think of me, anyway? I had absolutely no way of knowing. Though apparently Zephyr could glean an answer or two in my stead.
But why would she? I hadn’t bound her to my service, after all. She was likely just satisfying her alien curiosity, and would leave as soon as things got boring.
“Sorry, guess it wasn’t much after all,” Zephyr said. She floated down from above on a current of wind. “Say, how far to the castle grounds extend? To the point that leaving would kill you, I mean.”
I frowned, and glanced down at the edge. It took me awhile to pick out the right set of torches, but I pointed to the gatehouse. “There. I If I get too close, I start to feel sick. It’s the same for the walls that circle the palace.”
Zephyr nodded, her grin wide. “That should do just fine. Even if you can’t leave the palace… well. Would you like to try flying?”
“What?” I stared at her, uncomprehending for several moments before it finally dawned on me, and my heart leapt into my throat. “Y-you want me to… fly? Like, in the actual air?”
“Yeah!” Zephyr floated on the edge of the tower, hands held out in invitation. “I won’t drop you, I promise.”
“That’s not the…” My heart pounded in my chest. Was I actually considering this? It was insane. Why would I trust my life to a creature I’d tried to enslave earlier today? It could all be a trick just to drop me to my death.
But Zephyr likely had the power to kill me where I stood, and hadn’t yet done so. My knees shaking, I climbed up on the edge of the crenelations. I started to stand up, but I looked down, and my stomach did somersaults.
Zephyr caught me, holding me steady on the edge. “You look so pale,” she said with a giggle. “I suppose it must be different, for you humans who don’t command the air, but to me it just is.” She floated backwards a few feet, so her arms and mine were fully extended, our fingertips touching. “Step forward whenever you’re ready.”
This could kill me. I could die. A wry thought bubbled up to the surface, suggesting that death wouldn’t be so terrible of an outcome after all, but I stamped it down. All I had to do was take one step. My body refused to move, obeying the laws of common sense even as my brain tried to override them.
“It’s okay.” Zephyr smiled. “I’ve got you.”
I closed my eyes shut, and took one step forward. Electricity shot up my arms, my whole body abuzz with energy.
I didn’t fall. I opened my eyes to find myself standing on open air. “Gods above,” I swore, then barked a nervous laugh. I took another step forward, and no longer had the purchase of anything solid underneath me. “I’m flying. I’m actually flying.”
“See!” Zephyr laughed, and it was the most wonderful sound in the world. “I told you it would be okay. It’s not so bad, right?”
“You’re right! This is amaz—”
I fell.
The ground plummeted towards me. My scream ripped through the night air, surely alerting every guard in the palace. Zephyr clung to me, laughing like a mad woman.
Before the ground broke my body into pieces, Zephyr banked, and we soared upwards in a curving spiral. I stared at Zephyr, in shock, sure that if I wasn’t going to fall to death, my heart would give out shortly. “You could have warned me!” I managed to choke out, but it was mostly absorbed by the whipping winds around us. I raised a fist, as if to punch her in the chest, but the movement caught my arm in the wind, sending it jerking back, and I quickly retracted it, and clung to Zephyr even tighter.
“I’m sorry,” Zephyr said with a grin, her voice perfectly clear despite the noise. ‘I couldn’t resist.”
We climbed higher and higher, until the clouds were closer than the palace. I didn’t know whether or not my binding to the palace extended vertically as well, but given the lack of sudden death I encountered, I suspected it did not.
Soon, our upward climb was arrested, and Zephyr spread away from me, holding onto only one hand as we fell towards the earth. Surely we fell at the same incredible speed I had earlier, but with the ground so far away, it was hardly noticeable.
I opened my mouth to speak, but I felt light headed, and cold, and could hardly breathe.
Zephyr frowned, then blew a kiss towards me. All of a sudden, the air around me cleared, I could breath normally, and there was no longer a torrent of sound. “Isn’t this simply wonderful? Zephyr asked, gesturing grandly.
“That’s… really my city?” It was so far away. Barely the size of a single coin against the dirt. The land stretched on for miles and miles and miles. Land I had never seen before. There was apparently a lake to the east, nestled in a mountain valley. I knew of it on the map, but to see it like this... Had any humans ever lay witness to such a sight? I shivered, though not from the cold.
“This is what it means to be Djinn,” Zephyr said. “Do you like it?”
“Do I like it?” I found myself laughing, uproariously. All the tension, the stress, the confusion, the failure. It all melted away as a doubled up, laughing my head off as I plummeted towards the earth.
Zephyr squeezed my hand. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
I nodded, tears of joy welling up in my eyes.
I wasn’t sure how long it took for us to return to the castle. Once we got closer, our descent slowed, until my feet gently touched against the top of the tower once more, and I collapsed into a heap, panting heavily.
Zephyr crouched next to me, and smoothed my bangs to the side. “We could go back up, any time you want.”
“I think I’m good for tonight,” I said, giving half of a smile. It may have been a stray panicked thought earlier, but I really didn’t think my heart could take much more excitement for one night. “But why would you do that, anyway? Why do any of this for me? After what I tried to do to you earlier…”
“Ah.” Zephyr pulled away, her face serious. “Well, the look on your face was delightful. And it’s not often you get to see the joy of someone flying for the first time. Especially when it’s so commonplace for one such as I.”
I pursed my lips. “That’s not the only reason, is it?”
Zephyr shook her head. “No, it’s not.”
I looked over into her eyes, and found… hesitation, there? Whatever she was about to say, it was clearly important to her. I reached over, and placed my hand on hers. “It’s okay.”
“Of course.” Zephyr took a deep breath. “I may be able to grant your wish, if you grant me mine in return.”
“You can… grant my wish?” I glanced over the crenelations towards the city. “But Djinn can’t grant wishes. That’s just a myth.”
Zephyr shook her head. “Yes and no. Not so much a myth, as it is a closely guarded. No individual Djinn can grant a wish.”
I blinked, thinking through the implications. “Are you saying that… multiple Djinn could grant one? But where would get anything like that? I don’t think I’m up to summoning more, and—”
“No summoning. It’s a very painful process for us, you know.” Zephyr winced, then sighed. “What does the royal family do with Djinn once their masters have died?”
“They inter them in the family crypts. Each receptacle rests by the woman who owned it,” I recite the answer as if talking to a tutor, then frown at Zephyr. “Why do you ask?”
Zephyr grinned, sparks shooting from her eyes. “If we could free them, that would be enough Djinn to grant your wish, would it not? My sisters have rotted in your smelly tomb for far too long.”
I shook my head. “There’s no way. The crypts are guarded by the spirits of ancient soldiers. If anything in the tomb is broken or tampered with, they’ll attack without mercy.”
“Did you forget who you’re dealing with here?” Zephyr spread her fingers wide, and lightning arced between them. “If we go together, I can take care of any problems. Problem solving is what Djinn are enslaved for in the first place, you know.”
“It’s still not enough. The royal crypts are sealed with the same sort of spell that binds me to the throne. If you’re not bound to me, then you won’t even be able to get inside.”
Zephyr grunted, then crossed her arms over her chest. She pushed up from the ground, lazily floating in the air, her brow furrowed in thought.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, wringing my hands in my skirt. “I don’t know if there’s a better way to get down there, but—”
“Bind me, then.”
“What?”
Zephyr looked me in the eye, her gaze piercing. “Bind me to you, we can go down to the crypt, free my sisters, fight off the guardians, and grant your wish, so you can leave the palace. Then you can break the contract, and I’ll be free too. Everybody wins.”
My heart skipped a beat. “You… would trust me, to do something like that? To just let you go, once I have you in my power?”
Zephyr smiled, and put her hands on mine. “You trusted me to walk off a ledge, didn’t you? We can do this, together. You and me.”
“Okay. Okay.” I licked my lips, and swallowed. My cheeks were burning. I stood up, and started pacing. “I’ll have to draw a new summoning circle for the ritual, and—”
“No circles needed!” Zephyr laughed, then floated to the front of me, an odd expression on her face. “If I’m making a pact voluntarily, the ritual is much less complicated.”
That made sense. I took a deep breath, and let myself relax. “Okay. What do I have to do?”
“Oh, not much.” Zephyr reached out and cupped my cheeks, her touch stinging with tiny sparks. She brought her face close to mind, and I could feel her breath on my lips.
“What are you…”
Zephyr’s eyes lit up with lightning, and she opened her mouth wide. A light shone from her throat, and a small orb, about the size of a marble floated from her, until it hovered in the distance between us.
I stared at the orb, then looked up to meet Zephyr’s gaze and somehow knew what was coming next.
Zephyr pressed our lips together, the orb between them, and a tingle of power washed through me. I could suddenly feel every tiny movement of the air around us, and could hear Zephyr’s heartbeat as if it were my own.
Ritual aside, I held that kiss for longer than was strictly necessary.
Zephyr finally pulled away, her blush showing even through her dark gray complexion. “The pact is sealed,” she breathed, her voice barely a whisper.
“Wow,” I muttered. I’m sure my own face was radiant at the moment, and I couldn’t seem to stop smiling. “I don’t suppose, um, we could maybe do that again sometime?”
Zephyr giggled, then leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek. “Sure. But first, we have a job to do, right?”
“Right.”
I stood in front of the door to the royal crypts, Zephyr by my side.
The guard eyed me up and down, a bead of sweat forming on his forehead. “Uh, princess?”
I held my chin up high, looking down on him despite his height advantage. “I am going to go pay respects to my mother. Please step aside.”
Zephyr giggled. She had taken on a translucent, cloud-like appearance, and I suspected that the guard couldn’t see her, judging by his lack of a reaction.
“It’s awfully late, Princess. Surely you could—”
My harshest glare silenced him, and he swallowed. “My apologies. I won’t stand in your way.”
“Thank you for your cooperation.” I walked past him, up to the heavy stone doors. When I placed my hand on them, they flashed red for a moment, before they rumbled and slid open.
Zephyr shivered as we stepped inside. “Being inside is bad enough, but I can’t stand being underground like this.”
“I’m sorry.” Once we were a few ways in, the doors slid closed behind us, and torches lit up on the wall, welcoming my presence as a member of the royal family. “We won’t be here long, with any luck.”
“Things might start to get hectic, once we start breaking things.” Zephyr stretched, cracking her knuckles, even as she floated on her back. “Do you know where you're going?”
Generations and generations of my family were entombed down here. Not all of them with Djinn. It was labyrinthine maze, easy to get lost in. I had gotten lost on several occasions, but there was at least one place I knew how to find by heart.
My footsteps echoed through the hallways in silence, and Zephyr kept quiet as well. My somber trek went on for maybe five minutes, before I found the small alcove in which sat a statue of my mother, a clay pot resting at the base.
“Hi, Mom,” I said, my voice sounding loud to my own ears. No response came, but I didn’t expect one. “I guess I haven’t been down here in awhile, huh? I have a Djinn now. Her name is Zephyr.”
Zephyr placed a hand on my shoulder, and I took a deep, shuddering, breath.
“Zephyr and I are going to run away together. There’s a way to break the binding that keeps me here. I don’t know if that's something you want for me or not. I guess I never knew you well enough. I’m sorry. But I’ve made my decision.”
A chill breeze blew through the alcove, and Zephyr reached a hand down to touch the pot, but her hand went straight through it, as if she were trying to grab ahold of smoke. “Looks like it has to be you.”
“Right. I took a deep breath, then carefully took the pot in my hands, and lifted it above my head. “Here goes nothing!”
Before I could cast the pot to the ground, something icy cold grabbed ahold of my wrist.
I turned to see the shimmering, ghostly blue form of my mother standing there, a blue imprint left on my wrist from her touch. “What are you doing? If you go through with this, child, you will undermine all the power our family has sought to build! It is this accumulated legacy that gives you the right, the strength to rule!”
“Agh, that hurts!” I tried to wrench my grip free from my mother, but it was like trying to bend steel. “What right? What rule? We’re just puppets, playthings of the Viziers. What ruling do we even do?”
“You are just a child, Amethenia!” my mother spat. “Meddling with forces you do not understand! Cease this foolish venture at once!”
I glanced over towards Zephyr. She had a pained, pleading look in her eyes, most of her attention focused on the jar. “And what, enslave Djinn, just as we are ourselves enslaved?”
“If you had undertaken the trials, you would know your place in the world, or have died trying. This country will not be ruled by the weak!”
Well, that made my mother’s opinion perfectly clear. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and the terror in my transformed into anger. I nodded to Zephyr, then grabbed ahold of my mother’s wrist. Electricity arced through the ghost of my mother, she screamed in agony, releasing the hold on me.
I stumbled backwards, and Zephyr caught me. I murmured a quick thanks, then dashed the pot against the wall.
Mother shrieked and her voice was echoed by the shrieks of a thousand others, the echoing labyrinth creating a sonic assault that threatened to overwhelm me. I saw a glowing blue orb float into the air from the shards of broken pottery.
Zephyr cheered, and darted over. The light started orbiting her wrist. “We’ll need six more! You need seven, unbonded Djinn to grant a wish!”
“You’re dooming us all!” my mother shrieked after me.
I dashed out of the corridor, only to narrowly duck below a spectral sword swung at my neck. A ghost of another woman stood before me, one I didn’t recognize, and she raised her sword for another thrust.
Zephyr reacted before I could, kicking the woman in the chest with a shower of sparks that sent her flying through the wall. “I can feel where the other Djinn are being held. Down that hallway!”
Shrieks, moans, and curses followed me with every step. More ghosts gathered to block my path, and a raised hand brought lightning down upon them, their essence fading like mist before me. I found the second alcove, and swept the pot off its pedestal without even stopping to take a breath. A second Djinn joined the first.
“There’s a bunch up ahead,” Zephyr shouted as she sent a gust of wind down the tunnel behind us.
Two more quick turns, and I found myself face to face with a trio of three statues. The ghosts of three women stood in front of them, with regal expressions. The sight jogged my memory. Apparently, the legend of about a trio of triplets who had managed to ascend to the throne together was true after all.
“You cannot fight destiny, child,” the one on the left said.
“There is a greater plan for all of us,” the one in the middle said.
“Turn back now, or join us down here forever,” finished the one on the left.
I raised my hand, to discharge more lightning in their direction. The raised their hands in front of them simultaneously, and my lightning dissipated harmlessly.
Well, that wasn’t good. I swallowed, and felt sweat trickle down the back of my neck. I could still hear shrieks in the tunnels behind us, and knew I didn’t have a lot of time. “I wish I had my sword,” I muttered. “I’m a good fencer, you know?”
Zephyr glanced at me, then grinned. “Well, you should have said that earlier.” She blew me a kiss, which turned into mist. The mist swirled around my hand, until it eventually took the shape of a fencing saber.
I hefted the ephemeral sword in front of me. It was lighter than I was used to, but it would have to do. I lunged forward, aiming to skewer the sister on the right.
As one, they side stepped to the left, circling around me. The left sister lashed out, and caught me in my left arm. Any icy chill ran through me, and my left arm fell limp at my side.
It didn’t matter. I’d slipped past them, and darted to the altar to shatter all three pots.
“No!” they cried out in unison.
Lightning arced from behind them, catching them off guard, and the three sisters faded into mist. Zephyr stood there with smoking fingers. “You alright?”
I lifted my left arm with my right, then released. It flopped about uselessly. “I’ll be fine,” I said through gritted teeth. “It doesn’t hurt. Come on, we have to keep moving.”
Zephyr nodded, and sped down the corridor.
I lashed out with my saber when ghosts lunged at me. Luckily, the sixth Djinn proved an easy rescue, an urn lying on its side in an unguarded alcove. The lights around Zephyr’s wrist were almost blinding in their radiance and speed now. Only one left.
I ran straight through Zephyr, skidding to a halt when I realized she’d stopped. We were at a fork in the tunnel. “Which way?”
Zephyr bit her lip. “I don’t know, there’s a Djinn in either direction.”
“Then let's just pick one!” I hesitated for only a moment longer, before charging left.
One corner, then another. Only to find myself at a dead end, with no Djinn in sight.
“Uh oh,” Zephyr muttered. “It’s on the other side of this wall.”
Just who designed this place, anyway? I swore under my breath, “We’ll just double back then, not a big… deal.”
I turned to find that ghosts had poured into the hallway behind us, a swarm of them, too dense for us to slip past. I took a step back, and felt the cold stone wall press against my back. I glanced at Zephyr, and we raised our hands together.
The flash and cacophonous blast of thunder in such a confined space that we unleashed would have destroyed the senses of any normal human, but it seemed that being bonded to a Djinn had its perks.
Even then, when I finished blinking the spots out of my eyes, the horde of ghosts still stood. Together, they’d dissipated the lightning, just like the sisters had done earlier.
Zephyr lowered her head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten you involved in this. This power has ruled for generations. If an assault like this could disrupt it so easily, someone would have done so by now.”
My heart pounded in my chest. I dropped the sword, and reached out to take Zephyr’s hand in my own. “You said it takes six unbonded Djinn to grant a wish, right?”
“Yeah, that’s right.” Zephyr held up her hand, the six lights still spinning around it. Unshed tears glistened in her stormy eyes. “We almost made it.”
“Good.” I closed the distance between us, and locked my lips to hers. “I release you from your contract.”
“What, no, if you do that—”
That little orb I’d absorbed earlier flew out of me and back into Zephyr. All the strength left my body, my left arm screamed with agony, and I crumpled to a heap on the ground.
Zephyr knelt down beside me, cradling my head in her arms. “Amy, come on. Wishing for freedom here and now won’t do you any good. We still have to make it out of here, and we won’t be able to do that if we’re not bonded!”
“That’s okay.” My vision swam. The lights of the other Djinn floated into the air, and I could see vague outlines of six women standing behind Zephyr, “I wish for all the Djinn trapped in these catacombs to be freed.”
Zephyr’s eyes widened, and the last thing I heard before unconsciousness claimed me was a titanic rumble and an undying shriek that surely made even the gods take notice.
When I woke up, I found myself staring into light blue eyes, the color of the sky at dawn.
I blinked, and groaned. My body ached everywhere, and my left arm was on fire with a thousand pins and needles prickling my flesh.
“Hey,” Zephyr said, and ran her cool fingers across my forehead. “Welcome back.”
“I guess I’m alive, huh?” I sat up, blinking away sleep, and taking stock of my surroundings. I could just barely see the sun peaking up over the horizon, casting its first rays of light over the city. I could see the palace to my left, a thin trail of smoke rising from it.
The palace...
“We’re outside the palace!?” I sputtered. I looked around, and sure enough, while we were high on a tower somewhere, it wasn’t the tower I was used to. “But how? I wished for you to be free, not for my own curse to be lifted.”
Zephyr grinned. “How do you think you could be bound to the throne in the first place? You humans could do no magic without Djinn, and without Djinn, there is no magic.”
“That makes sense, but... “ I frowned, and scratched at my chin. “Is the summoning we do not magic? How could we have summoned any Djinn in the first place?”
“I suspect that somewhere far back in history, a Djinn made a contract willingly.” Zephyr scowled, then shook her head. “But it is of no matter now. This legacy is over.”
I nodded. “Did all your sisters make it out okay?”
“Yeah. Most of them were in a pretty bad mood, but they’ve returned home.” Zephyr sat down next to me, scooting close, and placed her hand on mine.
“Thank you,” I murmured, and leaned closer, resting my shoulder on hers. I couldn’t look away from the sight of the palace from the outside. From down here in the city, it looked awfully intimidating. “What do you think is going to happen? If what you say is true, then we really did just destroy the entire system of rulership.”
“Good riddance,” Zephyr spat. “Maybe they can find some other method of governance that doesn’t involve enslaving my people. Some of my sisters have stayed behind to keep a watch on things. They shouldn’t be able to summon any more Djinn without the magic of the palace, but on the off chance they find another way, there will be a nasty surprise waiting for them.”
“I see.” I thought of my younger sisters, still up there in the palace somewhere. Their chance of ruling with me the eldest was already pretty slim, but now it would forever be out of their grasp. I wondered how they would cope.
We sat there for some time, in silence. As the sun rose higher in the sky, the city began to wake up around us. People milled out of their homes, to go to their jobs, to the market. Criers began shouting the news, though it seemed like the events at the palace weren’t yet known.
I took a deep breath, and bit my lip. “I suppose you’ll be going then, huh?”
Zephyr chuckled, then reached out to grasp my cheek, and turned my gaze towards hers. “There’s a lot I think that I’d like to see in this world. I wouldn’t mind seeing it with you.” She leaned in to kiss me. My lips tingled from her touch, although there was no transfer of power this time.
“I’d like that a lot,” I murmured, my cheeks red.
Zephyr stood up and bounced away, giggling, before hovering over the edge of the roof. She held out her hands in invitation. “You trust me, right?”
I grinned, then stood up myself. My steps were unsteady, my left arm still numb, but I took her right hand in my own, and stepped off the edge. “Absolutely.”
Another nice one:
All the bones are here, but it could use some fleshing out. Adding one of Amy's sisters into the mix might help in a lot of ways. It's a little unclear, for instance, what training the princesses have been given: first we get "it wasn’t like anyone ever told me about the process" of summoning a djinn, and then we get "countless lectures about how to deal with Djinn rang in my skull" a couple paragraphs later. The whole set up, too, with the Viziers and the throne and how exactly she's in competition with her sisters, we could get a lot of info about all that if she's got a sister/rival to bounce snippy and snappy dialogue off of. And it could give the whole story a vital "ticking clock" in that the sister is right there, expecting Amy to mess up and ready to jump in if if she does.
But for a first draft, this is really nicely done!
Mike
All the bones are here, but it could use some fleshing out. Adding one of Amy's sisters into the mix might help in a lot of ways. It's a little unclear, for instance, what training the princesses have been given: first we get "it wasn’t like anyone ever told me about the process" of summoning a djinn, and then we get "countless lectures about how to deal with Djinn rang in my skull" a couple paragraphs later. The whole set up, too, with the Viziers and the throne and how exactly she's in competition with her sisters, we could get a lot of info about all that if she's got a sister/rival to bounce snippy and snappy dialogue off of. And it could give the whole story a vital "ticking clock" in that the sister is right there, expecting Amy to mess up and ready to jump in if if she does.
But for a first draft, this is really nicely done!
Mike
The lack of any real perspective on Amethenia's situation is a bit of a problem as we really don't understand the consequences of what she's doing. I mean, the bound aspect definitely sucks, but for all we know this is something that keeps the entire kingdom from just being swallowed up by the earth itself and all the people being slaughtered by demons. As we approached the end I was really unsure as to whether Zephyr was playing her or not and, if she was, how bad the playing was. We could use a bit more situational grounding.
Characterization here is a little wonky. Setting aside the speed with which the relationship happens, Amethenia is all in on this "fuck my kingdom" thing given she seemed to legitimately care about it and the people earlier on. Zephyr, similarly, seems to about face on her views without much reason, bailing on the princess and then being all "let's make out." I get what you're going for with both characters and their progression, but it doesn't feel like either quite lands.
That said, sweet little story with cute leads and a decent action finale.
And I see what you did there with the Aladdin reference at the end.
Characterization here is a little wonky. Setting aside the speed with which the relationship happens, Amethenia is all in on this "fuck my kingdom" thing given she seemed to legitimately care about it and the people earlier on. Zephyr, similarly, seems to about face on her views without much reason, bailing on the princess and then being all "let's make out." I get what you're going for with both characters and their progression, but it doesn't feel like either quite lands.
That said, sweet little story with cute leads and a decent action finale.
And I see what you did there with the Aladdin reference at the end.
The setup here is interesting because we have a tale set in an Oriental/Arabic-like word, yet the rulers are female. Alas, instead of building on that premise and developing it, you simply make your female characters act like males, so at the end it makes no difference. That’s a pity, because it would’ve been interesting to explore how female-emirs/caliphs/sultans… would govern w/r to their male counterparts.
At a broader scale, there’s nothing really new here. It’s sort of mashup of ideas, which doesn’t mean it’s a bad mashup, but it’s a bit lacklustre. We don’t really understand why Zephyr elects to stay and befriend the girl, given the hatred Djinns seem to nurture against humans. The scene with the clerk acts like a distraction, since it doesn’t have any consequences on the plot or the characters. You could redact it and nothing would change.
Once the Human/Djinn alliance is sealed, the rest of the story is fairly straightforward, and the end predictable. I haven’t watched Aladdin so I can’t comment on the reference here.
At a technical level, I think the story is okay. The prose does not shine, but doesn’t seem lacking either.
As a final nitpick, I’d add two things. First, the girl has a hell of a night vision to be able to distinguish remote lakes and mountains at night – and I hope they travelled vertically, since the girl cannot leave the premises of the castle. Second, I’m surprised in such a world they have no magic carpet to fly on.
At a broader scale, there’s nothing really new here. It’s sort of mashup of ideas, which doesn’t mean it’s a bad mashup, but it’s a bit lacklustre. We don’t really understand why Zephyr elects to stay and befriend the girl, given the hatred Djinns seem to nurture against humans. The scene with the clerk acts like a distraction, since it doesn’t have any consequences on the plot or the characters. You could redact it and nothing would change.
Once the Human/Djinn alliance is sealed, the rest of the story is fairly straightforward, and the end predictable. I haven’t watched Aladdin so I can’t comment on the reference here.
At a technical level, I think the story is okay. The prose does not shine, but doesn’t seem lacking either.
As a final nitpick, I’d add two things. First, the girl has a hell of a night vision to be able to distinguish remote lakes and mountains at night – and I hope they travelled vertically, since the girl cannot leave the premises of the castle. Second, I’m surprised in such a world they have no magic carpet to fly on.
The strength of the opening is belied by the title a bit.
"This was my first time, after all, and it wasn’t like anyone ever told me about the process." Sounds... well, a cliche excuse for "something has gone wrong" if not an outright euphemism for sex.
"You may call me Zephyr." Hey, I resemble that remark/name!
"...Proper Princess... Prickled..." You're playing with phire, author.
Tense slips a bit, with "It's an obvious statement" instead of "was."
The familiar/modern language feels a bit at odds with the Princesses' own tone.
A lot of "longing" phrases in how Amy describes Zephyr. Lesbian stuff, we get it. Let's get there.
"Old legend... but isn't relevant" trope: check!
"labyrinthine maze" is a double twice repeat. :-)
Very, very quick rejection of mother.
The clarity of things starts to fade as the fight happens.
Author, you already saw this yourself. Previously it was "Seven unbonded Djinnn" and now it's "Six." Oops. We take your meaning though.
So that ends the play by play. It obviously was a bit more in depth than I typically do, but this story felt more competant than most. It has a very clear idea and core concept, which I like. It has characters which are relatively well felshed out, if a bit anachronistic in their language. Bottom line: I thrash the things I like.
This story is good. It is a fairytale proper, and should be proud of that. What it needs to work on is language/tone, as it alternates between ancient-ish high brow and more-or-less modern slang.
The other main problem is the overall events in the kingdom. We see hints and glimpses of the state of things, but for the most part, we are locked into a single viewpoint/gaze on a single character.
"This was my first time, after all, and it wasn’t like anyone ever told me about the process." Sounds... well, a cliche excuse for "something has gone wrong" if not an outright euphemism for sex.
"You may call me Zephyr." Hey, I resemble that remark/name!
"...Proper Princess... Prickled..." You're playing with phire, author.
Tense slips a bit, with "It's an obvious statement" instead of "was."
The familiar/modern language feels a bit at odds with the Princesses' own tone.
A lot of "longing" phrases in how Amy describes Zephyr. Lesbian stuff, we get it. Let's get there.
"Old legend... but isn't relevant" trope: check!
"labyrinthine maze" is a double twice repeat. :-)
Very, very quick rejection of mother.
The clarity of things starts to fade as the fight happens.
Author, you already saw this yourself. Previously it was "Seven unbonded Djinnn" and now it's "Six." Oops. We take your meaning though.
So that ends the play by play. It obviously was a bit more in depth than I typically do, but this story felt more competant than most. It has a very clear idea and core concept, which I like. It has characters which are relatively well felshed out, if a bit anachronistic in their language. Bottom line: I thrash the things I like.
This story is good. It is a fairytale proper, and should be proud of that. What it needs to work on is language/tone, as it alternates between ancient-ish high brow and more-or-less modern slang.
The other main problem is the overall events in the kingdom. We see hints and glimpses of the state of things, but for the most part, we are locked into a single viewpoint/gaze on a single character.
As many have said, this is a well-rounded entry. There aren't a whole lot of obvious flaws, outside the pacing of some major scenes, communication of setting information, and issues of characterization, but that comes with an unfortunate caveat. The caveat being that it also does not excel in any one particular aspect, which is unfortunate, because if it just a little more going for it, I think it would indisputably the favored story of the round.
In many respects, this is an average entry. Average prose with most descriptions being based on purely what is happening in the scene or what the characters are doing that does a decent job of communicating character mood, average dialogue that is for some reason is occasionally buried in the prose either due to oversight in formatting or simply poor scene construction, average characterization where the reader has enough information to get the gist the characters and their plights, but not quite enough to empathize with or understanding the specifics of their motivations, etc. Many ideas are borrowed from the Disney Princess movies, and it is sort of a straightforward adventure in the vein of that kind of story.
That being said, the formatting of this story is not very good. By formatting, I mean to say "paragraphing" and "scene construction." As I've mentioned earlier, the dialogue is buried—a lot. Not only does it make the dialogue itself a bit difficult to read, but also the surrounding prose. A lot of dialogue paragraphs open with an action, add the dialogue, and then have another action—and sometimes, there's another line of dialogue after that. Not only does this make the dialogue read as I mentioned, but is also dramatically slows down the pacing of what should otherwise be a rather brisk exchange.
I'm now going to give an example of this in action:
See the narrative-dialogue-narrative-dialogue pattern I am talking about. The "You're sorry, huh" is completely buried underneath the long lines of narrative. It's hard to see, and more importantly, unaesthetic. Ideally you'd want to format this sort of dialogue like so:
Another example is this behemoth of a paragraph:
Again, very long lines of narrative that really should have been their own paragraph proceeding dialogue. This time there's a bit of narrative that is buried, the line about "an old legend", that is barely visible and easily mistaken for a piece of dialogue considering it is wedged between two very long pieces of dialogue.
Getting into the dialogue itself, there is a lot function over form here. I don't have an exact problem with how much exposition is in the story itself, but that it is mainly communicated through dialogue instead of the narrative. This results in very long-winded dialogue scenes in which one character explains to the important details about the setting, which would be okay if it weren't so drawn out or written in an identifiable voice. The majority of the dialogue is mostly explaining Amy's character or explaining what the characters have to do, and it is really sort of a drag to read if I'm being honest, because of the things I just mentioned: formatting, length, and lack of voice.
That last bit I think reflects the biggest personal problem I have with this story, is that in a story that is mostly dialogue, the two protagonists do not have identifiable voices. They have identifiable character actions (Zephyr more than Amy—Amy doesn't have much going for her), but this is never truly felt in how they speak. They both use the same verbiage, speaking rather formally, and don't really contrast with one another very well. It really seems like they're the same person. The narrative is really needed to sell these two people as being different characters, and if I suspect if you took out the narrative, you wouldn't have an idea who was speaking.
This in particular is why I think the romance angle fails. The characters don't really have any romantic chemistry together. Amy doesn't really ever have any moments where she's showing attraction to Zephyr outside of when they kiss, or really any moments of admiration of Zephyr at all, and Zephyr doesn't have any actions that indicate she is attracted to Amy. The inclusion of the romance aspect of this story seems like an afterthought.
So I'll discuss the "kiss" scene, since this was the topic of discussion in the Discord. It seems tonally inappropriate, not because of the lesbianism, but because of the blatant self-serving erotic purpose of it in the narrative, as if it were lifted from an exploitation movie. It really seems like the narrative itself seems to be a pretense in order to have them kiss.
To me it's similar to:
"Hey, so we have to complete this ritual. In order for it to work, you'll have to take off all your clothes, and I have to motorboat your tits."
"What? Is that really what the ritual specifies?"
"Yeah. it's the only way."
(long narrative description about how sexy the woman is and how good titty motorboarding feels).
And maybe that's not what you intended, but that's really how it reads.
The pacing of the latter half of the story really goes too fast, ironic because the first half goes too slow. There needs to be a lot of rich set pieces, description of the crypt, a more dialogue and humanity between the mother and Amy, manipulation, doubt about Zephyr, etc. Maybe it's just because the story told was just too long, but it is really unfortunate that the majority of this story consists of setting up and explaining the pretext for the adventure, when the adventure itself is less than a third of the story. The entire crypt scene should be much more drawn out and feel much more substantial for both Amy and Zephyr than it does.
There are a plethora of ideas that would be excellent scenes in that of themselves if properly given life and fleshed out, but as it currently states, it sort of reads like a list of actions than an organic narrative. Everything is just sort of boring.
That's the curse of being average.
In many respects, this is an average entry. Average prose with most descriptions being based on purely what is happening in the scene or what the characters are doing that does a decent job of communicating character mood, average dialogue that is for some reason is occasionally buried in the prose either due to oversight in formatting or simply poor scene construction, average characterization where the reader has enough information to get the gist the characters and their plights, but not quite enough to empathize with or understanding the specifics of their motivations, etc. Many ideas are borrowed from the Disney Princess movies, and it is sort of a straightforward adventure in the vein of that kind of story.
That being said, the formatting of this story is not very good. By formatting, I mean to say "paragraphing" and "scene construction." As I've mentioned earlier, the dialogue is buried—a lot. Not only does it make the dialogue itself a bit difficult to read, but also the surrounding prose. A lot of dialogue paragraphs open with an action, add the dialogue, and then have another action—and sometimes, there's another line of dialogue after that. Not only does this make the dialogue read as I mentioned, but is also dramatically slows down the pacing of what should otherwise be a rather brisk exchange.
I'm now going to give an example of this in action:
Zephyr threw back her head and laughed, the sound powerful enough to make me wince. She floated backwards, then flew about the room, circling the library and kicking up enough wind to knock down even more books. “You’re sorry, huh?” Zephyr said, floating in the middle of the room where I had carved the summoning circle. “Well, I appreciate the sentiment at least. I’m sure few of the Djinn bound by your family have received that minor conciliation. But destiny isn’t something nearly as solid as you seem to believe, Princess.”
See the narrative-dialogue-narrative-dialogue pattern I am talking about. The "You're sorry, huh" is completely buried underneath the long lines of narrative. It's hard to see, and more importantly, unaesthetic. Ideally you'd want to format this sort of dialogue like so:
Zephyr threw back her head and laughed, the sound powerful enough to make me wince. She floated backwards, then flew about the room, circling the library and kicking up enough wind to knock down even more books. (could maybe add more description)
“You’re sorry, huh?” Zephyr said, floating in the middle of the room where I had carved the summoning circle. “Well, I appreciate the sentiment at least. I’m sure few of the Djinn bound by your family have received that minor conciliation. But destiny isn’t something nearly as solid as you seem to believe, Princess.”
Another example is this behemoth of a paragraph:
I opened my mouth to retort that the royal family had been catching and binding ‘the wind’ for generations, but decided against it. Instead, I sighed. “When I was born, the Viziers brought me to the throne, and pricked my finger against the thorns on the back. My soul is bound to the throne. As was my mother. And so were my sisters, my competition to take my place should I fail. Only one of us can rule, after all.” An old legend about an exception to that flitted through my memory, but it wasn’t relevant. “If we leave the palace, whether voluntarily or by force, I should add, we die. It is our duty to stay here at the seat of this nation at all times.”
Again, very long lines of narrative that really should have been their own paragraph proceeding dialogue. This time there's a bit of narrative that is buried, the line about "an old legend", that is barely visible and easily mistaken for a piece of dialogue considering it is wedged between two very long pieces of dialogue.
Getting into the dialogue itself, there is a lot function over form here. I don't have an exact problem with how much exposition is in the story itself, but that it is mainly communicated through dialogue instead of the narrative. This results in very long-winded dialogue scenes in which one character explains to the important details about the setting, which would be okay if it weren't so drawn out or written in an identifiable voice. The majority of the dialogue is mostly explaining Amy's character or explaining what the characters have to do, and it is really sort of a drag to read if I'm being honest, because of the things I just mentioned: formatting, length, and lack of voice.
That last bit I think reflects the biggest personal problem I have with this story, is that in a story that is mostly dialogue, the two protagonists do not have identifiable voices. They have identifiable character actions (Zephyr more than Amy—Amy doesn't have much going for her), but this is never truly felt in how they speak. They both use the same verbiage, speaking rather formally, and don't really contrast with one another very well. It really seems like they're the same person. The narrative is really needed to sell these two people as being different characters, and if I suspect if you took out the narrative, you wouldn't have an idea who was speaking.
This in particular is why I think the romance angle fails. The characters don't really have any romantic chemistry together. Amy doesn't really ever have any moments where she's showing attraction to Zephyr outside of when they kiss, or really any moments of admiration of Zephyr at all, and Zephyr doesn't have any actions that indicate she is attracted to Amy. The inclusion of the romance aspect of this story seems like an afterthought.
So I'll discuss the "kiss" scene, since this was the topic of discussion in the Discord. It seems tonally inappropriate, not because of the lesbianism, but because of the blatant self-serving erotic purpose of it in the narrative, as if it were lifted from an exploitation movie. It really seems like the narrative itself seems to be a pretense in order to have them kiss.
To me it's similar to:
"Hey, so we have to complete this ritual. In order for it to work, you'll have to take off all your clothes, and I have to motorboat your tits."
"What? Is that really what the ritual specifies?"
"Yeah. it's the only way."
(long narrative description about how sexy the woman is and how good titty motorboarding feels).
And maybe that's not what you intended, but that's really how it reads.
The pacing of the latter half of the story really goes too fast, ironic because the first half goes too slow. There needs to be a lot of rich set pieces, description of the crypt, a more dialogue and humanity between the mother and Amy, manipulation, doubt about Zephyr, etc. Maybe it's just because the story told was just too long, but it is really unfortunate that the majority of this story consists of setting up and explaining the pretext for the adventure, when the adventure itself is less than a third of the story. The entire crypt scene should be much more drawn out and feel much more substantial for both Amy and Zephyr than it does.
There are a plethora of ideas that would be excellent scenes in that of themselves if properly given life and fleshed out, but as it currently states, it sort of reads like a list of actions than an organic narrative. Everything is just sort of boring.
That's the curse of being average.
Goodness, Cassius is a tough act to follow.
There’s a lot to like in this story, Writer, but I’ll echo what’s been said already - nothing feels particularly fleshed out. From backstory to characterization to setting, there’s some hints at a good story, but nothing seems to stick.
Zephyr in particular seems weirdly voiced to me. A lot of this is tied to her use of contractions - it turns on and off for no apparent reason, and words like “yeah” and “huh” are added at odd times, too. And Amy fairs little better - I didn’t get much of a sense of her character at all, and her dialogue is often at odds with the formal speech used when she’s narrating.
The most nagging quibble I have is that there doesn’t seem to be a good reason for Zephyr to stick around after she takes off in the intro. “I still have business in this world” is a copout, and we both know it’s a copout. The thing is, it could be Zephyr handwaving Amy’s question when the truth is that Amy is interesting for some reason - some feeling of kinship, or a nagging thought left behind from something Amy said in the introduction, that Zephyr could later reference. As it stands, we have no idea what Amy may have said or done that piqued Zephyr’s curiosity, and as a result it feels more like it’s you, Writer, handwaving the reader’s question of why Zephyr came back.
Throughout the crypt scene we don’t get a real sense of the stakes involved with what Amy and Zephyr are trying to accomplish. Yes, freeing the djinn is a noble goal in and of itself, but what are they undoing in the process? Is it just a weird phylactery-by-proxy for the souls of the deceased, binding their ghosts to haunt the catacombs for eternity? To what end? Is it a cumulative power that can be tapped, as implied by the increasing light emitted from the freed djinn around Zephyr’s wrist as more are added? How is this power applied through governance? We get a vague hint from the clerk in the tower that Amy’s family rules with an iron fist, but the clerk’s deference could just as easily be explained by the fact that she’s talking to a freaking djinn as fear of any retribution from Amy or her family. Clearly her family is up to no good, what with all the soul binding, but without more context it just feels like evil for evil’s sake. And I’ll add my voice to the chorus saying that Amy’s interaction with her mother is way too rushed.
A little extra context would go a long way towards improving this story, Writer. As it stands, you have a good foundation to build on.
Final Thought: Would liked to have seen more of a whole new world.
There’s a lot to like in this story, Writer, but I’ll echo what’s been said already - nothing feels particularly fleshed out. From backstory to characterization to setting, there’s some hints at a good story, but nothing seems to stick.
Zephyr in particular seems weirdly voiced to me. A lot of this is tied to her use of contractions - it turns on and off for no apparent reason, and words like “yeah” and “huh” are added at odd times, too. And Amy fairs little better - I didn’t get much of a sense of her character at all, and her dialogue is often at odds with the formal speech used when she’s narrating.
The most nagging quibble I have is that there doesn’t seem to be a good reason for Zephyr to stick around after she takes off in the intro. “I still have business in this world” is a copout, and we both know it’s a copout. The thing is, it could be Zephyr handwaving Amy’s question when the truth is that Amy is interesting for some reason - some feeling of kinship, or a nagging thought left behind from something Amy said in the introduction, that Zephyr could later reference. As it stands, we have no idea what Amy may have said or done that piqued Zephyr’s curiosity, and as a result it feels more like it’s you, Writer, handwaving the reader’s question of why Zephyr came back.
Throughout the crypt scene we don’t get a real sense of the stakes involved with what Amy and Zephyr are trying to accomplish. Yes, freeing the djinn is a noble goal in and of itself, but what are they undoing in the process? Is it just a weird phylactery-by-proxy for the souls of the deceased, binding their ghosts to haunt the catacombs for eternity? To what end? Is it a cumulative power that can be tapped, as implied by the increasing light emitted from the freed djinn around Zephyr’s wrist as more are added? How is this power applied through governance? We get a vague hint from the clerk in the tower that Amy’s family rules with an iron fist, but the clerk’s deference could just as easily be explained by the fact that she’s talking to a freaking djinn as fear of any retribution from Amy or her family. Clearly her family is up to no good, what with all the soul binding, but without more context it just feels like evil for evil’s sake. And I’ll add my voice to the chorus saying that Amy’s interaction with her mother is way too rushed.
A little extra context would go a long way towards improving this story, Writer. As it stands, you have a good foundation to build on.
Final Thought: Would liked to have seen more of a whole new world.