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The Ticking of the Countdown Clock
The man watched in anticipation as the equipment's lights grew brighter, filling the room with an intense hum.
“We boosted the tachyon spectrometer 110%. It can't run like this for too long, Charles, so we better hurry,” Jonathan said from his station at the other end of the room.
Charles nodded, keeping his gaze fixed on the screen. Everything was going according to plan. He typed a few commands on his module and started with his part of the process. This would be the culmination of a decade worth of research and he was eager to see it bear fruits.
“The Alcubierre generator is running steadily… but, I still think--”
“Sarah,” Charles said, his voice neither aggressive nor accusatory, but firm nonetheless. “We’ve been over this and we decided to push through. Please proceed.”
There was a pause in conversation filled with unspoken objections. The growing hum of the Alcubierre generator marked the passing of each second, which came to an end once Sarah got back to work. “Generator running steady, predictable phase arrays present.”
Another nod--more to himself than to her colleague--and Charles continued to work, monitoring the data, waiting for them to reach the appropriate levels.
“I’m seeing a small discrepancy in the--Wait, no. It was just a spike, it’s back within safe parameters.”
“Don’t jinx it, Jon,” Charles muttered as he typed the next command, and the problems began.
The humming morphed into a loud buzz, which was soon overshadowed by the blaring of the laboratory’s alarm system. Rather than letting panic take over, the team sprung into action, trying to shut down the machines.
“Shutting down. Shutting down…” The fear was clear in Jon’s voice, and one look showed his eyes reflected those emotions. “ It’s not--It’s not working.”
The readings were off the charts, mass resonance increased way too fast, at a far greater pace than the generator could withstand. Which, if the arcs of electricity were any sign, wouldn’t happen for much longer.
“Get away fro--”
Whiteness enveloped them.
Charles stared at the ceiling of the small lounge room, counting the minutes away and trying to ignore the stare Sarah was shooting him.
“I can’t believe you want to redo the experiment again,” she said with a mix of disbelief and, perhaps, awe.
“What would you have me do, give up?”
“No, of course not. I’m just saying it may be for the best to go back to the drawing board and reevaluate some aspects of this research.”
It would have been less painful had she punched him in the gut. Sarah had been with him during every stage of the project, so her doubts hurt the most.
“Despite the... complications, we got clearer readings last time,” he replied and--noticing the frustration on her face--hurried to keep going before she could object. “We’re on the verge of a breakthrough, Sarah. You know it, I know it, and more important, the rest of the faculty knows it.”
Her expression showed that while she knew he was right, she didn’t accept it. Less than ideal, but he’d take it.
“They’re expecting results, and we can’t deliver unless we perform the tests.”
She furrowed her brow the way she always did when she was about to agree with him, and he allowed himself a little pride in that. “I’m just worried your bullheadedness is going to cause this to blow up in our faces.”
“Hey, if it does, you have my permission to tell me ‘I told you so'.”
A shadow of a smirk crossed her face. “I’d do that regardless.”
“Come on, let’s get everything ready,” he said, standing up and heading for the laboratory, “Jonathan will be here any second now.”
“Alcubierre generator is on,” Sarah said, excitement seeping into her voice despite herself, “let’s hope it works this time.”
“Have faith. All goes according to plan and we’ll become the first human beings to map a stable time loop,” Charles said as he watched in anticipation as the lights of the equipment grew brighter, filling the room with an intense hum.
“We boosted the tachyon spectrometer 110%. It can't run like this for too long, Charles, so we better hurry.”
Charles nodded, keeping his gaze fixed on the screen. Everything was going according to plan. He typed a few commands on his module and started with his part of the process. This would be the culmination of a decade worth of research and he was eager to see it bear fruits.
“We boosted the tachyon spectrometer 110%. It can't run like this for too long, Charles, so we better hurry,” Jonathan said from his station at the other end of the room.
Charles nodded, keeping his gaze fixed on the screen. Everything was going according to plan. He typed a few commands on his module and started with his part of the process. This would be the culmination of a decade worth of research and he was eager to see it bear fruits.
“The Alcubierre generator is running steadily… but, I still think--”
“Sarah,” Charles said, his voice neither aggressive nor accusatory, but firm nonetheless. “We’ve been over this and we decided to push through. Please proceed.”
There was a pause in conversation filled with unspoken objections. The growing hum of the Alcubierre generator marked the passing of each second, which came to an end once Sarah got back to work. “Generator running steady, predictable phase arrays present.”
Another nod--more to himself than to her colleague--and Charles continued to work, monitoring the data, waiting for them to reach the appropriate levels.
“I’m seeing a small discrepancy in the--Wait, no. It was just a spike, it’s back within safe parameters.”
“Don’t jinx it, Jon,” Charles muttered as he typed the next command, and the problems began.
The humming morphed into a loud buzz, which was soon overshadowed by the blaring of the laboratory’s alarm system. Rather than letting panic take over, the team sprung into action, trying to shut down the machines.
“Shutting down. Shutting down…” The fear was clear in Jon’s voice, and one look showed his eyes reflected those emotions. “ It’s not--It’s not working.”
The readings were off the charts, mass resonance increased way too fast, at a far greater pace than the generator could withstand. Which, if the arcs of electricity were any sign, wouldn’t happen for much longer.
“Get away fro--”
Whiteness enveloped them.
Charles stared at the ceiling of the small lounge room, counting the minutes away and trying to ignore the stare Sarah was shooting him.
“I can’t believe you want to redo the experiment again,” she said with a mix of disbelief and, perhaps, awe.
“What would you have me do, give up?”
“No, of course not. I’m just saying it may be for the best to go back to the drawing board and reevaluate some aspects of this research.”
It would have been less painful had she punched him in the gut. Sarah had been with him during every stage of the project, so her doubts hurt the most.
“Despite the... complications, we got clearer readings last time,” he replied and--noticing the frustration on her face--hurried to keep going before she could object. “We’re on the verge of a breakthrough, Sarah. You know it, I know it, and more important, the rest of the faculty knows it.”
Her expression showed that while she knew he was right, she didn’t accept it. Less than ideal, but he’d take it.
“They’re expecting results, and we can’t deliver unless we perform the tests.”
She furrowed her brow the way she always did when she was about to agree with him, and he allowed himself a little pride in that. “I’m just worried your bullheadedness is going to cause this to blow up in our faces.”
“Hey, if it does, you have my permission to tell me ‘I told you so'.”
A shadow of a smirk crossed her face. “I’d do that regardless.”
“Come on, let’s get everything ready,” he said, standing up and heading for the laboratory, “Jonathan will be here any second now.”
“Alcubierre generator is on,” Sarah said, excitement seeping into her voice despite herself, “let’s hope it works this time.”
“Have faith. All goes according to plan and we’ll become the first human beings to map a stable time loop,” Charles said as he watched in anticipation as the lights of the equipment grew brighter, filling the room with an intense hum.
“We boosted the tachyon spectrometer 110%. It can't run like this for too long, Charles, so we better hurry.”
Charles nodded, keeping his gaze fixed on the screen. Everything was going according to plan. He typed a few commands on his module and started with his part of the process. This would be the culmination of a decade worth of research and he was eager to see it bear fruits.
Not sure the technical jargon is used properly here: the Alcubierre metric is meant to travel faster than light, not to go back in time.
Also, most of the story feels like padding. Of course, there's the pseudo-twist at the end of it, but overall it's too hackneyed a trope to really catch my attention.
Rate: average -
Also, most of the story feels like padding. Of course, there's the pseudo-twist at the end of it, but overall it's too hackneyed a trope to really catch my attention.
Rate: average -
Is this allowed? Original means that its not dependant on an existing copyrighted story. Does this pass with simple name changes?
The copyrighted story being Half-Life.
The copyrighted story being Half-Life.
Guessed the twist partway through scene 2, which is to the story's detriment, unfortunately, since it mostly seemed to be leaning on the punchline for most of its impact. Outside of that, I don't think we really connect enough with the characters or anything to really invest in them.
Speaking of: introduce characters tied to their dialogue in an early scene like that. Initially we only have Jon and Charlie, so the Alcubierre line suddenly belonging to a 3rd character (only introduced in the next line) is jarring.
Speaking of: introduce characters tied to their dialogue in an early scene like that. Initially we only have Jon and Charlie, so the Alcubierre line suddenly belonging to a 3rd character (only introduced in the next line) is jarring.
There were a couple of small things about this story that I enjoyed. While I have no idea if the technical jargon is accurate, it feels genuine, and it goes a long way to making us feel involved in this experiment. I also liked the camaraderie between Sarah and Charles; it really feels like two coworkers who respect each other, but often get on each other’s nerves.
But the story on the whole feels somewhat lacking. Other than the aforementioned camaraderie, none of the characters come out as three-dimensional. Charles is the determined one, Sarah is the Captain Contrarian, and Jonathan…is just there. I also thought that the twist, while decent to a point, felt a bit cheap. It starts literally seconds right before the first paragraph began, in the exact same scene. This bugs me because it basically means the twist only exists because the story conveniently leaves out the dialogue with the time loop in a place where it should by all rights appear. The loop isn’t seen from any of the characters’ points of view (the story is in the third-person), so it makes no sense why the author would leave it out except so that we couldn’t guess the twist. In some cases, that can be a good artistic choice. Here though, it feels like a punchline to a poorly-worded joke: technically it was done correctly, but the execution makes the joke dull and just bores the audience.
A good story situation mired by lackluster characters and a poorly executed twist.
But the story on the whole feels somewhat lacking. Other than the aforementioned camaraderie, none of the characters come out as three-dimensional. Charles is the determined one, Sarah is the Captain Contrarian, and Jonathan…is just there. I also thought that the twist, while decent to a point, felt a bit cheap. It starts literally seconds right before the first paragraph began, in the exact same scene. This bugs me because it basically means the twist only exists because the story conveniently leaves out the dialogue with the time loop in a place where it should by all rights appear. The loop isn’t seen from any of the characters’ points of view (the story is in the third-person), so it makes no sense why the author would leave it out except so that we couldn’t guess the twist. In some cases, that can be a good artistic choice. Here though, it feels like a punchline to a poorly-worded joke: technically it was done correctly, but the execution makes the joke dull and just bores the audience.
A good story situation mired by lackluster characters and a poorly executed twist.
>>Kritten
Basically this.
We've seen entries do this sort of lifting before. Same stuff I said back then applies here as well. Here's the game script for reference, you'll want to look down into Anomalous Materials a bit. This is... even more lifted than Inevitability was, though. Even dialogue is copied. Making it a time loop instead of a portal storm is a change, I guess, but not a good look.
Setting that aside, though, time loop twist endings are also overdone. What does this piece have to say other than "lol science caused a time loop"?
Thanks for writing, though, author. I don't know if this will get DQ'd or not, but even if it does, don't feel too bad about it. Just don't do this again. Your prose is competent, so I know you can do it. Write your own dialogue, set your own scene, borrow and use elements, but make them your own instead of copying them, and give your writing meaning. Find an idea in your heart and communicate it. Till next time, then!
Basically this.
We've seen entries do this sort of lifting before. Same stuff I said back then applies here as well. Here's the game script for reference, you'll want to look down into Anomalous Materials a bit. This is... even more lifted than Inevitability was, though. Even dialogue is copied. Making it a time loop instead of a portal storm is a change, I guess, but not a good look.
Setting that aside, though, time loop twist endings are also overdone. What does this piece have to say other than "lol science caused a time loop"?
Thanks for writing, though, author. I don't know if this will get DQ'd or not, but even if it does, don't feel too bad about it. Just don't do this again. Your prose is competent, so I know you can do it. Write your own dialogue, set your own scene, borrow and use elements, but make them your own instead of copying them, and give your writing meaning. Find an idea in your heart and communicate it. Till next time, then!
Spectrometer is an instructment for detection "boosting it" sounds weird. This also, as has been pointed out, feels way, way too much like Half-Life.
Ignoring those two, this still doesn't add much to the basic "time loop" trope. Nothing stands out as particularly good or bad, so it's mostly too forgettable.
Ignoring those two, this still doesn't add much to the basic "time loop" trope. Nothing stands out as particularly good or bad, so it's mostly too forgettable.
Trying to zip through my slate, and felt like I should at least comment on the Half-Life thing. While reviewing the linked scripts (cf. >>Ranmilia) does suggest that there's probably more than simple convergent evolution in that first scene, this still does feel like a legitimately non-derivative entry to me on the basis of everything past the mishap. (Half-Life scientists were developing a teleporter, not a time-travel device; and pretty clearly we're not dealing with a crowbar-wielding hero or an alien invasion here.)
For Writeoff judging purposes, I don't feel like I can give full credit to the author for parts which appear to be a retelling of an existing story — but, at the same time, I feel like the parts of this story which are arguably Half-Life parts pretty much just amount to the color details of the first scene. I do agree that the time-loop part of this is well-trodden ground tropewise, but that's not HL (not HL 1, at any rate), and we can still judge it on execution even if the idea is a trope we've seen before.
There, there were a few inconsistences (such as Sarah being the doubter in scene 1 and excited in scene 3), but largely my impression was in that same "nothing particularly stands out" bin. Author, that's a tough one to give advice for, and it's both good and bad news. (Bad news because having nothing hook readers into your story is a problem, but good news because I'm not seeing obvious writing faults here the story needs to correct.) Common ways of generating reader investment include adding conflict (a little difficult if you're ending exactly where you started); making it more of a character-focused piece (really digging into the head of one or more of the participants -- their hopes, fears, and the journey they're taking here); and/or adding detail and letting the prose carry the story.
But this is why I bristle at the idea that experimental writing is misplaced in the Writeoffs — because the easiest way to figure out how to jazz up your stories once you've got the basics down is to give yourself permission to do audacious things, and see which ones land and which don't. The nature of experiments is that a lot of them are going to fail, but in learning why those didn't connect, you learn what took you over the line where your readers are no longer following; and when an experiment connects, you learn a trick you can bring back to more traditional stories in moderation to spice up your prose a bit.
So, like Ranmilia, I'd urge you to take away from this round the message that you've got the capability to carry a story; and whether or not this one connected, your best bet is to take some swings for the fences and see what you learn. Thanks for writing!
For Writeoff judging purposes, I don't feel like I can give full credit to the author for parts which appear to be a retelling of an existing story — but, at the same time, I feel like the parts of this story which are arguably Half-Life parts pretty much just amount to the color details of the first scene. I do agree that the time-loop part of this is well-trodden ground tropewise, but that's not HL (not HL 1, at any rate), and we can still judge it on execution even if the idea is a trope we've seen before.
There, there were a few inconsistences (such as Sarah being the doubter in scene 1 and excited in scene 3), but largely my impression was in that same "nothing particularly stands out" bin. Author, that's a tough one to give advice for, and it's both good and bad news. (Bad news because having nothing hook readers into your story is a problem, but good news because I'm not seeing obvious writing faults here the story needs to correct.) Common ways of generating reader investment include adding conflict (a little difficult if you're ending exactly where you started); making it more of a character-focused piece (really digging into the head of one or more of the participants -- their hopes, fears, and the journey they're taking here); and/or adding detail and letting the prose carry the story.
But this is why I bristle at the idea that experimental writing is misplaced in the Writeoffs — because the easiest way to figure out how to jazz up your stories once you've got the basics down is to give yourself permission to do audacious things, and see which ones land and which don't. The nature of experiments is that a lot of them are going to fail, but in learning why those didn't connect, you learn what took you over the line where your readers are no longer following; and when an experiment connects, you learn a trick you can bring back to more traditional stories in moderation to spice up your prose a bit.
So, like Ranmilia, I'd urge you to take away from this round the message that you've got the capability to carry a story; and whether or not this one connected, your best bet is to take some swings for the fences and see what you learn. Thanks for writing!