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Last Minutes — 20$
“Daddy, Daddy, what’s that?” The girl pointed at a large orange sign by the counter.
The man looked at it with a tired smile. Last Minutes 20$ was written in bright green letters, along with a One per customer scribbled hastily underneath. The man scratched his head. Last Minutes? What are Last Minutes? There was no product information on the sign, no pictures or samples... How could any customer spend twenty dollars on two words without knowing any details?
“Excuse me,” the man said with a polite nod. “What exactly is that?” He felt his daughter hop with glee beside him.
“The Last Minutes?” The shop keeper glanced at the sign. “That’s our monthly special. One per customer”
“Yes, but what is it?” The men pressed on. “A type of energy drink? A toy?”
“It’s a minute, hon.” The shopkeeper smiled. “Just a minute. Mind you, restrictions apply. We’re not encouraging cheering or immoral behaviors.”
“Oh?” The man expressed concern. “Is it safe for children?”
“Time is time, hon. Doesn’t matter how old you are. Of course there’s not much to appreciate when you’re a toddler.” The woman laughed at her own joke.
The man crossed his arms. His daughter was getting more and more fidgety and he still had no idea what it was she was trying to sell.
“Look.” He took a deep breath, his smile replaced by a frown. “I tried to be reasonable, but since you clearly don’t want to take this seriously I don’t see why we should—“
“Listen, hon,” the shopkeeper sighed. “You’re not the first one to be confused. I’d be confused if I didn’t make them myself. The thing I’m selling is time. Not universal time, mind you, but personal time.”
“Okay?” The man nodded, trying to keep face in front of his daughter.
“Think of it this way.” The shopkeeper went on. “Imagine you’re rushing to catch the bus, but slip on a banana peel and miss it.”
“I have a car—” The man began, but was quickly interrupted.
“Imagine you could change that last minute of your life. You can avoid the banana peel, catch the bus and be on time for work. All because you used your last minute.”
There was a long pause. The man who moments ago was itching to deconstruct her unrealistic bus example was not standing there, dumbstruck staring at the board. Even his daughter barely registered in his mind.
“No way!” he said at last. “There’s no way that’s true. Just a scam or trick or...” Already he was thinking what he could do if he could change the last minute of his life... any last minute. He could correct any mistake before it happened, win every argument, make a fortune gambling. “And I can change anything in that minute?” He asked hopeful.
“As long as it’s the last minute.” The shopkeeper nodded.
“And no one but me will remember anything?”
“Hon, even you won’t remember.” The woman smiled. “The minute just gives you a choice. Once you use it whatever you end up with is your new last minute. Can’t have two last minutes. Everything will be as if your old minute never was.”
“Hmm.” The man scratched his head. “So if I use a minute now and go back to the start of the conversation I’d have forgotten everything and ask you the same questions?”
“You’d need more than a minute, but yes. The knowledge you gained in your last minute would be erased.”
“So I can’t do anything much with it.” The man took hold of his daughter’s hand, trying to ignore her constant pulling him.
“You can do as much as you want. Waste it or change your life, it’s all up to you.”
The man gave it some thought. He could easily buy one and keep it with him for such a time at which it would count. Yet could he be sure, though? What if missing the bus started a change of events that would lead him to a better job? What if catching the bus meant he wouldn’t meet his wife? That he’d never have a daughter?
“Do you sell five last minutes?” He asked with a smile. “There’s something I’d like to do.”
“Daddy, Daddy, what’s that?” The girl pointed at a large orange sign by the counter.
The man looked at it with a tired smile.
“Just a sign, sweetie.” He patted her on the head. “Just a silly sign.”
The man looked at it with a tired smile. Last Minutes 20$ was written in bright green letters, along with a One per customer scribbled hastily underneath. The man scratched his head. Last Minutes? What are Last Minutes? There was no product information on the sign, no pictures or samples... How could any customer spend twenty dollars on two words without knowing any details?
“Excuse me,” the man said with a polite nod. “What exactly is that?” He felt his daughter hop with glee beside him.
“The Last Minutes?” The shop keeper glanced at the sign. “That’s our monthly special. One per customer”
“Yes, but what is it?” The men pressed on. “A type of energy drink? A toy?”
“It’s a minute, hon.” The shopkeeper smiled. “Just a minute. Mind you, restrictions apply. We’re not encouraging cheering or immoral behaviors.”
“Oh?” The man expressed concern. “Is it safe for children?”
“Time is time, hon. Doesn’t matter how old you are. Of course there’s not much to appreciate when you’re a toddler.” The woman laughed at her own joke.
The man crossed his arms. His daughter was getting more and more fidgety and he still had no idea what it was she was trying to sell.
“Look.” He took a deep breath, his smile replaced by a frown. “I tried to be reasonable, but since you clearly don’t want to take this seriously I don’t see why we should—“
“Listen, hon,” the shopkeeper sighed. “You’re not the first one to be confused. I’d be confused if I didn’t make them myself. The thing I’m selling is time. Not universal time, mind you, but personal time.”
“Okay?” The man nodded, trying to keep face in front of his daughter.
“Think of it this way.” The shopkeeper went on. “Imagine you’re rushing to catch the bus, but slip on a banana peel and miss it.”
“I have a car—” The man began, but was quickly interrupted.
“Imagine you could change that last minute of your life. You can avoid the banana peel, catch the bus and be on time for work. All because you used your last minute.”
There was a long pause. The man who moments ago was itching to deconstruct her unrealistic bus example was not standing there, dumbstruck staring at the board. Even his daughter barely registered in his mind.
“No way!” he said at last. “There’s no way that’s true. Just a scam or trick or...” Already he was thinking what he could do if he could change the last minute of his life... any last minute. He could correct any mistake before it happened, win every argument, make a fortune gambling. “And I can change anything in that minute?” He asked hopeful.
“As long as it’s the last minute.” The shopkeeper nodded.
“And no one but me will remember anything?”
“Hon, even you won’t remember.” The woman smiled. “The minute just gives you a choice. Once you use it whatever you end up with is your new last minute. Can’t have two last minutes. Everything will be as if your old minute never was.”
“Hmm.” The man scratched his head. “So if I use a minute now and go back to the start of the conversation I’d have forgotten everything and ask you the same questions?”
“You’d need more than a minute, but yes. The knowledge you gained in your last minute would be erased.”
“So I can’t do anything much with it.” The man took hold of his daughter’s hand, trying to ignore her constant pulling him.
“You can do as much as you want. Waste it or change your life, it’s all up to you.”
The man gave it some thought. He could easily buy one and keep it with him for such a time at which it would count. Yet could he be sure, though? What if missing the bus started a change of events that would lead him to a better job? What if catching the bus meant he wouldn’t meet his wife? That he’d never have a daughter?
“Do you sell five last minutes?” He asked with a smile. “There’s something I’d like to do.”
“Daddy, Daddy, what’s that?” The girl pointed at a large orange sign by the counter.
The man looked at it with a tired smile.
“Just a sign, sweetie.” He patted her on the head. “Just a silly sign.”
“Do you sell five last minutes?” He asked with a smile. “There’s something I’d like to do.”
This quote would seem to contradict the earlier "One per customer scribbled hastily underneath."
I hate time paradoxes.
I hate time travel.
Trying to unravel continuity errors in a time travel plot is... well, it's nigh impossible, because time travel itself is a form of continuity error. Anyway, solid prose overall.
The ending is predictable.
Ok, the prose is not really up to snuff (spelling inconsistencies, bad punctuation, etc.), there's a lot of rambling, and it is quite linear and slow in execution, but still I liked the end.
All right >>Dolfeus Doseux, you can object it’s predictable, it’s still funny after a fashion.
Middle+
All right >>Dolfeus Doseux, you can object it’s predictable, it’s still funny after a fashion.
Middle+
The punchline is worth a vague smile (for all that it does run into the problem of quasi-contravening the one per customer thing - it is a different product, yes, but then she ought also have an endcap for those too!).
That said, I honestly thought the daughter was going to pull away and get killed, thus necessitating the last minute, which sorta dulls the impact of the joke. Since, while it is well and good to joke about the weird butterfly effect nature of life, there are just too many fairly straightforward interactions possible to NOT actually want the last minute.
That said, I honestly thought the daughter was going to pull away and get killed, thus necessitating the last minute, which sorta dulls the impact of the joke. Since, while it is well and good to joke about the weird butterfly effect nature of life, there are just too many fairly straightforward interactions possible to NOT actually want the last minute.
Have to say this pedantic thing, sorry. But... The dollar sign ($) goes in front of the number in English. Of course, we strangely place the cent symbol (¢) after the amount: 30¢ but $0.30. No, we don't care why, but that's how it works. So, welcome French-speaking author!
There are a lot of heavy implications in this premise. Using it to forget the premise ever existed is a rather clever way to execute this in such a short format, so bravo for that.
As a story though, I can't quite say I enjoyed the story. I think it's clever, and decently written (despite the symbol position thing) but doesn't do much for me.
There are a lot of heavy implications in this premise. Using it to forget the premise ever existed is a rather clever way to execute this in such a short format, so bravo for that.
As a story though, I can't quite say I enjoyed the story. I think it's clever, and decently written (despite the symbol position thing) but doesn't do much for me.
Yeah, I didn't find this predictable, personally, and it did get a smile out of me. Maybe the idea of buying the minutes just to throw them in the salesman's face (take that, time travel!) just seemed inherently ridiculous enough for a smile.
Er, if you end up revisiting this, 'last moments' might work better than minutes. Then he could ask for 'five minutes worth'. But it didn't seem like a big problem to me.
Er, if you end up revisiting this, 'last moments' might work better than minutes. Then he could ask for 'five minutes worth'. But it didn't seem like a big problem to me.
Ssssooooo... what did he do with the minutes, and why? The other comments make me feel like I missed the point of whatever happened here. Is it really just rewinding to avoid the saleswoman? The ol' "don't change your past or you'll lose all the good things!" trope?
If that's all that's going on, I have to fall on the side that finds that trope a little on the trite and overplayed side. All these Time Travel 101 issues have been beaten to death for me, as a lifelong reader of science fiction. It's a very difficult subject. If you want to write a time travel minific, the bar to meaningfully engage with is very high, and you really need more original flavor than this.
That's a bit beside the point, though. The execution here is on the fuzzy side, to where I can't even be sure that the above read is correct, it's just the most obvious conclusion. When I say you need more original flavor, I don't just mean you need some original idea, you need presentation and followthrough. This piece's presentation is all tell and no show. I kept highlighting bits as I read, intending to post something like "The opening is weak, you should skip the boring explanations and start here instead:" but "here" kept on moving as I read more. All the way down to:
Chop off everything above that point and you've lost nothing vital, the story still works! ... Which, unfortunately, says more about how little story-meat there is to begin with, and how the balance of essential elements to fluff is working here.
Then look at everything that got cut, and realize that in all of that, we still don't learn any names, motivations, details about the characters. We could have had a lot of development in that space, learned more about the shopkeeper, who she is, how she is, why she's selling minutes for a paltry $20in the mall (we aren't even in the mall, I had just assumed that before checking, where are we? There's no setting either!) We could learn about the man and the daughter. Is she listening? Does she want some last minutes? Who are they, what's important to them, what do they want? There could be so much more, instead of repeating and overexplaining the premise.
This might all sound very negative and discouraging. Please don't take it that way, though. I'm putting this one as having been written by a non-native speaker, in which case the English is quite serviceable and needs only minor cleanups. (In particular, I don't mind "20$" because it's part of the handwritten sign, giving some character to the shopkeeper.) Even though this is more of an idea seed than a story, and needs a lot of rework to go anywhere, it's still readable and not too bad given the time and length constraints of Writeoff. Learn from this and take it up to the next level next time! Thanks for writing!
If that's all that's going on, I have to fall on the side that finds that trope a little on the trite and overplayed side. All these Time Travel 101 issues have been beaten to death for me, as a lifelong reader of science fiction. It's a very difficult subject. If you want to write a time travel minific, the bar to meaningfully engage with is very high, and you really need more original flavor than this.
That's a bit beside the point, though. The execution here is on the fuzzy side, to where I can't even be sure that the above read is correct, it's just the most obvious conclusion. When I say you need more original flavor, I don't just mean you need some original idea, you need presentation and followthrough. This piece's presentation is all tell and no show. I kept highlighting bits as I read, intending to post something like "The opening is weak, you should skip the boring explanations and start here instead:" but "here" kept on moving as I read more. All the way down to:
“Hon, even you won’t remember.” The woman smiled.
Chop off everything above that point and you've lost nothing vital, the story still works! ... Which, unfortunately, says more about how little story-meat there is to begin with, and how the balance of essential elements to fluff is working here.
Then look at everything that got cut, and realize that in all of that, we still don't learn any names, motivations, details about the characters. We could have had a lot of development in that space, learned more about the shopkeeper, who she is, how she is, why she's selling minutes for a paltry $20
This might all sound very negative and discouraging. Please don't take it that way, though. I'm putting this one as having been written by a non-native speaker, in which case the English is quite serviceable and needs only minor cleanups. (In particular, I don't mind "20$" because it's part of the handwritten sign, giving some character to the shopkeeper.) Even though this is more of an idea seed than a story, and needs a lot of rework to go anywhere, it's still readable and not too bad given the time and length constraints of Writeoff. Learn from this and take it up to the next level next time! Thanks for writing!