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This is well written:
But I don't quite understand why they're doing all this revivification stuff. Are there so few people in the world that they hafta go back and reanimate the dead? Is there some vital inner spark that people from the past have that people in this present don't have? This has got to be an expensive project, but I don't get any idea from the story who's paying for it or why the technology was even developed. I just need some "Twilight Zone meets Blade Runner" thing about them being sent to the off-world colonies to mine precious molybdenum--OK, not that, but something.
Mike
But I don't quite understand why they're doing all this revivification stuff. Are there so few people in the world that they hafta go back and reanimate the dead? Is there some vital inner spark that people from the past have that people in this present don't have? This has got to be an expensive project, but I don't get any idea from the story who's paying for it or why the technology was even developed. I just need some "Twilight Zone meets Blade Runner" thing about them being sent to the off-world colonies to mine precious molybdenum--OK, not that, but something.
Mike
Alright never expected the people to be this harsh in something that's suppose to made for fun. I found reading some of the others reviews tended to be um... cynical. Either way, I'm pretty harsh myself, but I intent to help make others better. Blantly just saying "read a writing guide" doesn't help anyone. If you know the basics of writing than please point it out. Because going straight to this very same phrase can be highly insulting. WIthout further ado, let's handle this one Remi-style!
Several factors included in this review will point out the positives and negatives to how this story was written and what kind of improvements can be made from it. Take this as constructive criticism. The follow traits will determine the overall review, rather than just my opinion of the story. With this in mind, I hope you continue to improve and write for all to enjoy.
POSITIVES
-Transitioning
This was one of the 2 main positives of this story. The story doesn't really transition anywhere, expect in the minds of it's characters. In one point of the story, you're in one character. Reading their thoughts concerns and actions. Taking in each type of reaction to the ongoing events taking place before them. While all of a sudden you're flipped into the mind of another. This makes for a very good read. As you don't just occupy one mind but several. This strategy shows how adept an author can be in their creativity and thus continue making even more complex characteristics and characters alike. The fact that you were even able to stretch a single scene out as long as you did, is quite the feat. Though I would have loved to see more.
-Word Usage
The wording is very excellent. You definitely took your time to proofread and shape out your wordings for this story. It really shows so much in fact, that I can see you actually spending more time doing that instead of writing out the story. The choice of words and usage is great. Making me rethink about my own vocabulary. Though it's a bit much, which can take a reader away from the story itself. Overall the wording and the variety is refreshing. I can't help that you actually needed to look up some of these wordings to find the technical terms, to use in your story. My advice for this is just stick to most of the words you do know and try to make it less complex. Complexity can be often distracting, thus a story can lose it's entertainment value.
NEGATIVES
-Background
The background of the story was literally scattered among the whole story. Giving hints and clues about the character's past. This, coupled with the fact I have no idea who this woman is, gave way to a very very confused read. While left there asking why did this information come late, I also felt like I couldn't connect with the character. So it left me feeling little next to nothing when she faced a problem. As small as it may be, an author needs to connect with it's reader on a level that makes their mind understanding of the events taking places within the imaginary world. I knew what was happening and why, but I couldn't seem to find sympathy for the character, with all the lack of info.
-Descriptions
This story held a lot of features that I wanted to explore myself. Though the details were lacking when they should have painted a scene for me at the beginning. It hinted at things, but this style of writing if best left for a first person perspective. Where the character has no idea what to make of certain things. This meta writing, so to speak, places the reader in a situation where they are left with blank spots in their pictures, as they try to think of one thing. only for them to be corrected by the author by a small minor detail. Fluff is not bad, but it makes a story able to draw out it's intentions a lot easier. Cutting to the filling can be a bad thing indeed. Sometimes in order for us to enjoy things. We need to eat it as a whole. This principle is adopted is many things, especially art styles. Writing is no different.
-Intro and Ending
This kinda drawn out into a "here's your story and read it" kind of deal. Where the scene is just suddenly placed in front of you with no reason for it. Creating confusion at first. The ending itself was a twist but had a little more effect than the introduction. Felt like this story was missing it's intro and didn't seem to do the characters any justice in what they were attempting to do or what their own goals may bring onto the table. paint a picture and set the mood. Let me lay back as you light a fire in me. Let me see what you felt when you created this story. That is how the intro and endings usually should do. Place a reader in a state where they won't expect what to read next. Where the next lines create this every growing jolt of electricity and suspense to make me want to continue on writing. An intro holds a baseline and from there the writer should drop details and actions that improve the quality of the story. The ending should be a halt in this climax. Resulting in a sign of relief or just a natural pause of a high point in a story. Much like the ending note of an orchestra.
Overall this story wasn't bad. It's a good read and I highly suggest anyone looking to improve on their writing to go check it out at least once. It shows a ton of example as to how to word out a story and how simple it is to draw out so much detail from a single scene to turn it epic. There was a couple things that peeved me, but easily overlooked at the whole idea of this story. A futuristic idea of medical science turning up to a point in time. where everything, literally everything could be cured in a single treatment. Though the reason is lost on how this came to be and why people are choosing this possible immortality over the natural cycle of life. Some could even consider the story to be vaguely wrong at how medical science will improve over the next centuries, but who knows?! It could happen and it was fascinating to see the up take on these characters interacting with one another due to the miracles of such procedures. I wanted to dive into the medical sciences here myself and see how the author explains it. Though we're left with a bit of a cliff hanger on a character that plays out more like a minor side character, who technically whines about having something changed when she just was reborn much later pass her own life span. It was a cool concept, but it left me asking why majority of the time or asking what about this? It was a greatly created piece that could use more work on it's ideas. It's entertaining value is a little lower than average, but it's beautifully written. A very good example of what literature can be.
Several factors included in this review will point out the positives and negatives to how this story was written and what kind of improvements can be made from it. Take this as constructive criticism. The follow traits will determine the overall review, rather than just my opinion of the story. With this in mind, I hope you continue to improve and write for all to enjoy.
POSITIVES
-Transitioning
This was one of the 2 main positives of this story. The story doesn't really transition anywhere, expect in the minds of it's characters. In one point of the story, you're in one character. Reading their thoughts concerns and actions. Taking in each type of reaction to the ongoing events taking place before them. While all of a sudden you're flipped into the mind of another. This makes for a very good read. As you don't just occupy one mind but several. This strategy shows how adept an author can be in their creativity and thus continue making even more complex characteristics and characters alike. The fact that you were even able to stretch a single scene out as long as you did, is quite the feat. Though I would have loved to see more.
-Word Usage
The wording is very excellent. You definitely took your time to proofread and shape out your wordings for this story. It really shows so much in fact, that I can see you actually spending more time doing that instead of writing out the story. The choice of words and usage is great. Making me rethink about my own vocabulary. Though it's a bit much, which can take a reader away from the story itself. Overall the wording and the variety is refreshing. I can't help that you actually needed to look up some of these wordings to find the technical terms, to use in your story. My advice for this is just stick to most of the words you do know and try to make it less complex. Complexity can be often distracting, thus a story can lose it's entertainment value.
NEGATIVES
-Background
The background of the story was literally scattered among the whole story. Giving hints and clues about the character's past. This, coupled with the fact I have no idea who this woman is, gave way to a very very confused read. While left there asking why did this information come late, I also felt like I couldn't connect with the character. So it left me feeling little next to nothing when she faced a problem. As small as it may be, an author needs to connect with it's reader on a level that makes their mind understanding of the events taking places within the imaginary world. I knew what was happening and why, but I couldn't seem to find sympathy for the character, with all the lack of info.
-Descriptions
This story held a lot of features that I wanted to explore myself. Though the details were lacking when they should have painted a scene for me at the beginning. It hinted at things, but this style of writing if best left for a first person perspective. Where the character has no idea what to make of certain things. This meta writing, so to speak, places the reader in a situation where they are left with blank spots in their pictures, as they try to think of one thing. only for them to be corrected by the author by a small minor detail. Fluff is not bad, but it makes a story able to draw out it's intentions a lot easier. Cutting to the filling can be a bad thing indeed. Sometimes in order for us to enjoy things. We need to eat it as a whole. This principle is adopted is many things, especially art styles. Writing is no different.
-Intro and Ending
This kinda drawn out into a "here's your story and read it" kind of deal. Where the scene is just suddenly placed in front of you with no reason for it. Creating confusion at first. The ending itself was a twist but had a little more effect than the introduction. Felt like this story was missing it's intro and didn't seem to do the characters any justice in what they were attempting to do or what their own goals may bring onto the table. paint a picture and set the mood. Let me lay back as you light a fire in me. Let me see what you felt when you created this story. That is how the intro and endings usually should do. Place a reader in a state where they won't expect what to read next. Where the next lines create this every growing jolt of electricity and suspense to make me want to continue on writing. An intro holds a baseline and from there the writer should drop details and actions that improve the quality of the story. The ending should be a halt in this climax. Resulting in a sign of relief or just a natural pause of a high point in a story. Much like the ending note of an orchestra.
Overall this story wasn't bad. It's a good read and I highly suggest anyone looking to improve on their writing to go check it out at least once. It shows a ton of example as to how to word out a story and how simple it is to draw out so much detail from a single scene to turn it epic. There was a couple things that peeved me, but easily overlooked at the whole idea of this story. A futuristic idea of medical science turning up to a point in time. where everything, literally everything could be cured in a single treatment. Though the reason is lost on how this came to be and why people are choosing this possible immortality over the natural cycle of life. Some could even consider the story to be vaguely wrong at how medical science will improve over the next centuries, but who knows?! It could happen and it was fascinating to see the up take on these characters interacting with one another due to the miracles of such procedures. I wanted to dive into the medical sciences here myself and see how the author explains it. Though we're left with a bit of a cliff hanger on a character that plays out more like a minor side character, who technically whines about having something changed when she just was reborn much later pass her own life span. It was a cool concept, but it left me asking why majority of the time or asking what about this? It was a greatly created piece that could use more work on it's ideas. It's entertaining value is a little lower than average, but it's beautifully written. A very good example of what literature can be.
>>Remedyfortheheart
Just so you're aware, I responded to this on the review where I'd done it. I tried to be more detailed and helpful this time, but like I said over there, I wasn't being flippant. I think that's genuinely the best advice I could give that author on that story.
Blantly just saying "read a writing guide" doesn't help anyone. If you know the basics of writing than please point it out. Because going straight to this very same phrase can be highly insulting.
Just so you're aware, I responded to this on the review where I'd done it. I tried to be more detailed and helpful this time, but like I said over there, I wasn't being flippant. I think that's genuinely the best advice I could give that author on that story.
>>Bradel
Sir let's place judgements aside. The comment above yours points out flaws. While I hate "examples" as lessons they are still lessons. It's still very mean, sir. from reading your review. I got that you hated the story idea hated the grammar hated the plot and didn't even think about why chaotic magic running rampant currently had no consequences on what was currently taking place in equestria which is the reason why the magic had to be contained at once. Also if it wasn't already apparent, since Sunset wans't the trigger for the spell it was going to keep going anyways.
consider this my resignation to the contest. Think this'll be my last one. Bye bye. Love you all. Love above all.
Didn't consider using something other than a pony stories since all of us are fimfiction authors. Also, I didn't like the 3 day thing. It crippled me, well two things.
Sir let's place judgements aside. The comment above yours points out flaws. While I hate "examples" as lessons they are still lessons. It's still very mean, sir. from reading your review. I got that you hated the story idea hated the grammar hated the plot and didn't even think about why chaotic magic running rampant currently had no consequences on what was currently taking place in equestria which is the reason why the magic had to be contained at once. Also if it wasn't already apparent, since Sunset wans't the trigger for the spell it was going to keep going anyways.
consider this my resignation to the contest. Think this'll be my last one. Bye bye. Love you all. Love above all.
Didn't consider using something other than a pony stories since all of us are fimfiction authors. Also, I didn't like the 3 day thing. It crippled me, well two things.
Almost skipped that first line, for some reason. Had to scroll back to be sure I caught it.
Hmm, I like this description of waking up. It's quite evocative, and brings to mind those fuzzy zooms they use in video games for first-person perspective disorientation. Nice.
…aaah? For some reason, I thought Jessica was young, not old. Not entirely sure why, but it might be worth tweaking that first line a bit, to ensure your intent is clear.
Well, that got pretty dark, pretty fast.
And, uh, hmm. Not really sure how I feel about this in the end, if it's saying something worthwhile, or if it's even saying something at all. I feel like there's lots of potential for an interesting interpretation or message here, but I'm just not seeing something that's grabbing me or standing out.
Humans are vicious bastards?
Casual cruelty fills every corner of nature?
The powerless are easily manipulated?
Human life isn't worth the paper it's printed on?
Glaucon was right about Gyges ring?
Eh, I dunno. Sure, it's dark, and that's worth something, but it comes off as kinda… dark for dark's sake.
Well written, but I'm not seeing much worth taking away, here. In the end, the only interpretation I can come up with is... just about anything can be fixed, except human nature. And even that's tenuous, at best.
Hmm, I like this description of waking up. It's quite evocative, and brings to mind those fuzzy zooms they use in video games for first-person perspective disorientation. Nice.
…aaah? For some reason, I thought Jessica was young, not old. Not entirely sure why, but it might be worth tweaking that first line a bit, to ensure your intent is clear.
Well, that got pretty dark, pretty fast.
And, uh, hmm. Not really sure how I feel about this in the end, if it's saying something worthwhile, or if it's even saying something at all. I feel like there's lots of potential for an interesting interpretation or message here, but I'm just not seeing something that's grabbing me or standing out.
Humans are vicious bastards?
Casual cruelty fills every corner of nature?
The powerless are easily manipulated?
Human life isn't worth the paper it's printed on?
Glaucon was right about Gyges ring?
Eh, I dunno. Sure, it's dark, and that's worth something, but it comes off as kinda… dark for dark's sake.
Well written, but I'm not seeing much worth taking away, here. In the end, the only interpretation I can come up with is... just about anything can be fixed, except human nature. And even that's tenuous, at best.
There is an interesting premise here, but the story itself feels a bit flat. As the climax is centered around a corruption of memories, that so much time is spent on the revival process and reflections on the differences between the past and present seems ill-deserved. Some of the descriptions really drew me in, this one in particular: "It had been a precious and cherished year she shared with the two of them before Martin had been drafted into the war and never came home, but it had started with such agony her body had forced her to forget until just that moment."…. Unfortunately, much of the rest seemed rather flat and offered little beyond the barest of facts; I cannot tell if that was deliberate for tone or a result of something else.
This one didn't wow me, but it played with a 'what-if' and that's something I can nod at.
This one didn't wow me, but it played with a 'what-if' and that's something I can nod at.
I think it’s a pretty good story, but it suffers from a lot of minor flaws:
1. You seem to imply that ‘advance cryogenic’ technology was already available in the ’90s, but I don’t really see what you’re referring to;
2. If there is a problem with memory corruption, how does the guy know the name of the gal she’s reviving? Should be a lottery each time;
3. You allude to some unpleasant fate once the revived leave the hospital, but we never get a chance to know what exactly looms at the exit;
4. You also refer to a waste a material when the first body is shattered to atoms, but somehow you fail to explain who or why those people are revived, and who pays for it (or if it’s done for free);
5. The phone call is a rather telly way to make us discover things;
6. The end is anti-climactic.
And, well, the story is well written, even though the idea is far from being original (though the usage of a 3D printing machine to remake a body from start is a real corker). But the arc is fairly thin.
1. You seem to imply that ‘advance cryogenic’ technology was already available in the ’90s, but I don’t really see what you’re referring to;
2. If there is a problem with memory corruption, how does the guy know the name of the gal she’s reviving? Should be a lottery each time;
3. You allude to some unpleasant fate once the revived leave the hospital, but we never get a chance to know what exactly looms at the exit;
4. You also refer to a waste a material when the first body is shattered to atoms, but somehow you fail to explain who or why those people are revived, and who pays for it (or if it’s done for free);
5. The phone call is a rather telly way to make us discover things;
6. The end is anti-climactic.
And, well, the story is well written, even though the idea is far from being original (though the usage of a 3D printing machine to remake a body from start is a real corker). But the arc is fairly thin.
The suspense made it fun to read, though the whole time I was waiting for some dark "Owl Creek Bridge" twist at the end, because there didn't seem to be any kind of conflict for a while. The doctor's explanations and procedures felt convincing enough, so nothing really broke the immersion there. The one problem I noticed is that it took too long to know much about Jessica Tambour's life (such as her age). What we do know about her needs to be established earlier, since the story heavily depends on her expectations vs results.
As to the big reveal, well... gotta agree with Baal Bunny. What's the purpose here? The shock value of killing duplicates isn't anything new, and stories that did that at least provided a reason behind it all, to set up the horrifying controversy later on. Perhaps the title is a clue, and the real message here is about "dang glitchy machines," but.... if true, that theme could've been emphasized a lot more. After the well-written setup, I was expecting the story's message to have more clarity.
As to the big reveal, well... gotta agree with Baal Bunny. What's the purpose here? The shock value of killing duplicates isn't anything new, and stories that did that at least provided a reason behind it all, to set up the horrifying controversy later on. Perhaps the title is a clue, and the real message here is about "dang glitchy machines," but.... if true, that theme could've been emphasized a lot more. After the well-written setup, I was expecting the story's message to have more clarity.
So I wrote this one. At the 'no prompt' thing, I was in a skype conversation, and got a possible prompt from Jake R, of 'Hindsight is 20/20.' I'm not sure I actually used that prompt, but in thinking about it a couple of things I've been thinking about lately, specifically cryonics and the Star Trek 'transporter problem,' combined in my head to a dark little story about the nature of self and a hidden danger of cryonics—namely that even if everything works out exactly like the cryonicists hope, there's no real guarantee that the person who wakes up in the future is actually you. I approached writing it from an oldschool science fiction perspective and aimed for a narrow, specific focus.
Unfortunately, I seem to have missed the mark on a couple things. The biggest error seems to be in selling that theming. I've been thinking a lot about the transporter problem recently and have a bunch of 'nature of self/what makes a person' philosophical quandaries bouncing around in my head, pretty fully fleshed out, which I'm afraid made the themes rather obvious to me, and at the risk of wielding those themes like a sledgehammer and hitting the pretentious button, I went subtle on them in the conversation at the end. And...got too subtle, it seems, to where the ending was confusing or unsatisfying for people, as there was a lot of 'what's the point?' comments.
Related, I think I misjudged the level of common knowledge that people had for cryonics. I wouldn't consider myself that much of an expert on them, but there do seem to be some points that I assumed were known that were confusing, and I probably should have found a way to explain things better without getting too expository. To answer a few questions (that have been bugging me for days now):
>>Baal Bunny this is in fact one of the great debates surrounding cryonics, and as it's a big debate, doesn't really have any satisfying answers. One can easily assume that as the population gets bigger, even in an otherwise shiny positive future, the likelihood of a it being considered a positive thing to bring a bunch of frozen people back to life would go down. On the other hand, if we as a species get off this rock and start outward expansion, that negative goes vastly down. As for general incentive, there's a rather benign answer: the cryonicists paid the cryonics company a shitload of money to store their 'remains' until such a time as they could be revived, and the cryonics company believed in the ideals of cryonicism. When they could be revived, that's what the company did, because that's what they were paid to do and it's what they felt was the morally correct thing. I didn't really touch on the specifics of the universe of 2268 because it wasn't really relevant to the story, but the implication I had in mind is that the technology level that was reached involved the existence of an atomic printer—a device that could generate matter from a blueprint out of particles. Such a piece of technology abolishes the concept of scarcity, and would theoretically push the world into a post-scarcity economy. The concept of money no longer really needs to exist in that sort of world. The cost of regenerating bodies from the stored remains is the cost of the energy to run the machine, and the particles used, both of which are ostensibly renewable resources.
>>Monokeras To the first bullet, vitrification is just the process of converting a liquid to a solid without forming crystals—glass is a vitrified form of liquid silicate, for example. There's no super-advanced tech that didn't exist in 1992 on display. Cryonics companies have been vitrifying bodies since the cryonics movement took off in the sixties. To the second bullet, and this is where I think I fell down in really explaining things, the corrupted memories were Jessie's memories. Something in the layout or processes of her neurons got messed up and transposed in the printing process, making her personal memories wrong. The company's data was all correct, based on photographic evidence, DNA, and records. Four and five I'm less sure how to answer, because I'm not sure how I alluded to either of those things. Five, I guess is the line 'such a waste'? Which is just a saying, and was referring to the time and effort being a waste, not an actual waste product. He was just lamenting that he had to destroy a pretty normal-seeming person and do the job over again as kinda sucking. As for the phone call being telly, it apparently wasn't telly enough since I biffed the themes so hard.
Anyway, I have a few plans for fixing the themes and making them more apparent (hopefully without going too far in the other direction), and I'm going to rejudge how much base level knowledge I should assume for explaining the cryonics process. Thanks everybody for taking the time to read and share their thoughts on it.
Unfortunately, I seem to have missed the mark on a couple things. The biggest error seems to be in selling that theming. I've been thinking a lot about the transporter problem recently and have a bunch of 'nature of self/what makes a person' philosophical quandaries bouncing around in my head, pretty fully fleshed out, which I'm afraid made the themes rather obvious to me, and at the risk of wielding those themes like a sledgehammer and hitting the pretentious button, I went subtle on them in the conversation at the end. And...got too subtle, it seems, to where the ending was confusing or unsatisfying for people, as there was a lot of 'what's the point?' comments.
Related, I think I misjudged the level of common knowledge that people had for cryonics. I wouldn't consider myself that much of an expert on them, but there do seem to be some points that I assumed were known that were confusing, and I probably should have found a way to explain things better without getting too expository. To answer a few questions (that have been bugging me for days now):
>>Baal Bunny this is in fact one of the great debates surrounding cryonics, and as it's a big debate, doesn't really have any satisfying answers. One can easily assume that as the population gets bigger, even in an otherwise shiny positive future, the likelihood of a it being considered a positive thing to bring a bunch of frozen people back to life would go down. On the other hand, if we as a species get off this rock and start outward expansion, that negative goes vastly down. As for general incentive, there's a rather benign answer: the cryonicists paid the cryonics company a shitload of money to store their 'remains' until such a time as they could be revived, and the cryonics company believed in the ideals of cryonicism. When they could be revived, that's what the company did, because that's what they were paid to do and it's what they felt was the morally correct thing. I didn't really touch on the specifics of the universe of 2268 because it wasn't really relevant to the story, but the implication I had in mind is that the technology level that was reached involved the existence of an atomic printer—a device that could generate matter from a blueprint out of particles. Such a piece of technology abolishes the concept of scarcity, and would theoretically push the world into a post-scarcity economy. The concept of money no longer really needs to exist in that sort of world. The cost of regenerating bodies from the stored remains is the cost of the energy to run the machine, and the particles used, both of which are ostensibly renewable resources.
>>Monokeras To the first bullet, vitrification is just the process of converting a liquid to a solid without forming crystals—glass is a vitrified form of liquid silicate, for example. There's no super-advanced tech that didn't exist in 1992 on display. Cryonics companies have been vitrifying bodies since the cryonics movement took off in the sixties. To the second bullet, and this is where I think I fell down in really explaining things, the corrupted memories were Jessie's memories. Something in the layout or processes of her neurons got messed up and transposed in the printing process, making her personal memories wrong. The company's data was all correct, based on photographic evidence, DNA, and records. Four and five I'm less sure how to answer, because I'm not sure how I alluded to either of those things. Five, I guess is the line 'such a waste'? Which is just a saying, and was referring to the time and effort being a waste, not an actual waste product. He was just lamenting that he had to destroy a pretty normal-seeming person and do the job over again as kinda sucking. As for the phone call being telly, it apparently wasn't telly enough since I biffed the themes so hard.
Anyway, I have a few plans for fixing the themes and making them more apparent (hopefully without going too far in the other direction), and I'm going to rejudge how much base level knowledge I should assume for explaining the cryonics process. Thanks everybody for taking the time to read and share their thoughts on it.
Well, I told bats I'd do this one for him even though the story's no longer in competition. I've only got two finalists left to read, and a few days before voting ends, so I'll get to them a little later. Here goes! Same HORSE system, same HORSE channel.
19 – Almost Anything Can Be Repaired
First up, that is a freaking awesome hook. The thing that really makes it for me is the hard break that follows the first sentence. That takes balls, man, and I love it.
A couple points on the start of the next section. One, "She fought against it" is unclear to me. I had to think for a while to figure this out, because contextually it seems like she's fighting to wake but there's nothing that makes me feel like she has an urge to go back to sleep (i.e. the stupor thing doesn't communicate that to me). Two, you unfortunately spoiled me on what's going on here, so I don't have a totally unbiased view, but there's nothing before the face and the phrase "medical equipment" that makes me think she's reanimating. I would have initially read this as an afterlife thing, morphing into a Matrix thing as the biological description comes to the fore.
The use of the name "Gertie", coupled with 1992 and stroke, make me assume Jessica is quite old. The use of the word "rejuvenation" is strongly loaded for me, then; I was actually thinking aging was going to be one of the unrepairable things here.
I don't like the 1940 infodrop. I'm pretty invested in the horror of the reanimation process, which I'm quite liking. The pain memory idea makes sense to me, and I don't think you're completely off base to attempt something like this. But it just seems really, really, really weird to me that Jessica's mind would take a vacation from what's happening for long enough to spend three lines remembering what her life was like five decades before she died. Contrast with the "Young people always assumed the elderly must be frightened" and the "Gertie always told her she ate too many eggs." Those are both some great pieces of characterization, but they fit with the overall scene and add to it, rather than pulling me out of it for a few lines.
"Far off year" and its paragraph I get, though I don't really like it. It does sound weird, but it doesn't sound unreasonably weird. I think what I don't like about it is that it definitely gives me a vibe that the doctor is condescending. If that's what you're shooting for, great; but if not, I'd say maybe don't try to pitch his dialogue to the helpless rejuvie so much. (Everything following the frown helps considerably, but I do still feel like I'm losing a good amount of sympathy for him before that point, with his blanket assumptions about what Jessica is going to care about.)
Paragraph where Brian introduces himself, again he feels kind of weird to me. He's grinning and laughing, which is distinctly at odds with the professionalism I'd tend to expect from somebody doing his job. If this is intentional, I'd make Jessica think about it to lampshade it. Really, with any of his weird behavior you're intending, I think it'd make sense to lampshade it through her perspective and expectations. (Also, I really dislike the 'and' in the sentence where he introduces himself. It doesn't feel conversationally natural to me; it feels like he's mugging for the reader instead of talking to Jessica.)
Everything from 'vitrification' on down for a while feels a bit infodumpy (though I get that that's probably okay for a lot of published sci-fi). The word 'cryonicist' feels a little weird to me here, because I'd tend to read that as "someone who studies or practices cryonics" more than "someone who was frozen". And there's a really big question mark that's been hanging over this story for a while, but especially after the 'vitrification' line: Jessica didn't know she was getting frozen, did she? She's not acting all that surprised, but she's also not acting like she knew or expected this. The fact that it hasn't come up in the text yet, one way or the other, is starting to feel a little weird to me.
Nevermind, it looks like she did know. Or at least she's totally not surprised by any of this. I dunno, given the fact that cryonics seems like such a leap of faith at the present (and I think substantially moreso in the late 1980s and early 1990s), I feel like she could really do with an "It actually worked!" reaction at some point early on.
The mirror thing... I dunno, I guess it kind of goes to what I think of Brian again? It's hard for me to interpret it any way other than, "Damn, this Brian guy is completely incompetent at his job." Was he actually not aware of the possibility of a reaction like this? Is Jessica so weird that she's the only person it's happened to? Because otherwise, it seems like he should be trying to prepare her for the possibility that there will be a shock (and there will almost certainly be some shock anyway, since she's going to be young again). We know this guy tries to do okay by the employee handbook, even if he's bad at it (c.f. the "Welcome to the future!" paragraph). So he's either worse than we thought, or the employee handbook is just shit.
I'm expecting some twist at the end from Brian's perspective on the new face thing, because from his explanation it seems far more likely that her own memory of her face is what got screwed up than the face itself, for which they've presumably got a lot of information with bone structure and genetic detail that ought to be able to tell them what she really looked like.
And I got it. I think generally I like that last section, though it's probably a good dumping ground for a bit more technical information like a name-check or small explanation of the information decay problem. I think, in terms of Brian's character, it might also be nice to get some suggestion in the Jessica section that he wants to be more honest than the company wants him to be (which is not a thing I really picked up on).
The resolution is a little flat, but I think I'm pretty much okay with that. This belongs to a long tradition of sci-fi idea stories that don't really wrap up a plot so much as they end with a thought-provoking idea about the subject being discussed. Your "Gotta be a lot of 'em, if big mistakes do happen" paragraph is filling that role perfectly well.
All in all, I really enjoyed this story. There are bits I'd mess with, as discussed above, and this never really wows me the way "The Name Upon His Forehead" did, but I would be perfectly happy to read this (or a somewhat revised version of this, anyway) in a collection of professionally published speculative fiction.
HORSE: ▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉
TIER: Solid
19 – Almost Anything Can Be Repaired
First up, that is a freaking awesome hook. The thing that really makes it for me is the hard break that follows the first sentence. That takes balls, man, and I love it.
A couple points on the start of the next section. One, "She fought against it" is unclear to me. I had to think for a while to figure this out, because contextually it seems like she's fighting to wake but there's nothing that makes me feel like she has an urge to go back to sleep (i.e. the stupor thing doesn't communicate that to me). Two, you unfortunately spoiled me on what's going on here, so I don't have a totally unbiased view, but there's nothing before the face and the phrase "medical equipment" that makes me think she's reanimating. I would have initially read this as an afterlife thing, morphing into a Matrix thing as the biological description comes to the fore.
The use of the name "Gertie", coupled with 1992 and stroke, make me assume Jessica is quite old. The use of the word "rejuvenation" is strongly loaded for me, then; I was actually thinking aging was going to be one of the unrepairable things here.
I don't like the 1940 infodrop. I'm pretty invested in the horror of the reanimation process, which I'm quite liking. The pain memory idea makes sense to me, and I don't think you're completely off base to attempt something like this. But it just seems really, really, really weird to me that Jessica's mind would take a vacation from what's happening for long enough to spend three lines remembering what her life was like five decades before she died. Contrast with the "Young people always assumed the elderly must be frightened" and the "Gertie always told her she ate too many eggs." Those are both some great pieces of characterization, but they fit with the overall scene and add to it, rather than pulling me out of it for a few lines.
"Far off year" and its paragraph I get, though I don't really like it. It does sound weird, but it doesn't sound unreasonably weird. I think what I don't like about it is that it definitely gives me a vibe that the doctor is condescending. If that's what you're shooting for, great; but if not, I'd say maybe don't try to pitch his dialogue to the helpless rejuvie so much. (Everything following the frown helps considerably, but I do still feel like I'm losing a good amount of sympathy for him before that point, with his blanket assumptions about what Jessica is going to care about.)
Paragraph where Brian introduces himself, again he feels kind of weird to me. He's grinning and laughing, which is distinctly at odds with the professionalism I'd tend to expect from somebody doing his job. If this is intentional, I'd make Jessica think about it to lampshade it. Really, with any of his weird behavior you're intending, I think it'd make sense to lampshade it through her perspective and expectations. (Also, I really dislike the 'and' in the sentence where he introduces himself. It doesn't feel conversationally natural to me; it feels like he's mugging for the reader instead of talking to Jessica.)
Everything from 'vitrification' on down for a while feels a bit infodumpy (though I get that that's probably okay for a lot of published sci-fi). The word 'cryonicist' feels a little weird to me here, because I'd tend to read that as "someone who studies or practices cryonics" more than "someone who was frozen". And there's a really big question mark that's been hanging over this story for a while, but especially after the 'vitrification' line: Jessica didn't know she was getting frozen, did she? She's not acting all that surprised, but she's also not acting like she knew or expected this. The fact that it hasn't come up in the text yet, one way or the other, is starting to feel a little weird to me.
Nevermind, it looks like she did know. Or at least she's totally not surprised by any of this. I dunno, given the fact that cryonics seems like such a leap of faith at the present (and I think substantially moreso in the late 1980s and early 1990s), I feel like she could really do with an "It actually worked!" reaction at some point early on.
The mirror thing... I dunno, I guess it kind of goes to what I think of Brian again? It's hard for me to interpret it any way other than, "Damn, this Brian guy is completely incompetent at his job." Was he actually not aware of the possibility of a reaction like this? Is Jessica so weird that she's the only person it's happened to? Because otherwise, it seems like he should be trying to prepare her for the possibility that there will be a shock (and there will almost certainly be some shock anyway, since she's going to be young again). We know this guy tries to do okay by the employee handbook, even if he's bad at it (c.f. the "Welcome to the future!" paragraph). So he's either worse than we thought, or the employee handbook is just shit.
I'm expecting some twist at the end from Brian's perspective on the new face thing, because from his explanation it seems far more likely that her own memory of her face is what got screwed up than the face itself, for which they've presumably got a lot of information with bone structure and genetic detail that ought to be able to tell them what she really looked like.
And I got it. I think generally I like that last section, though it's probably a good dumping ground for a bit more technical information like a name-check or small explanation of the information decay problem. I think, in terms of Brian's character, it might also be nice to get some suggestion in the Jessica section that he wants to be more honest than the company wants him to be (which is not a thing I really picked up on).
The resolution is a little flat, but I think I'm pretty much okay with that. This belongs to a long tradition of sci-fi idea stories that don't really wrap up a plot so much as they end with a thought-provoking idea about the subject being discussed. Your "Gotta be a lot of 'em, if big mistakes do happen" paragraph is filling that role perfectly well.
All in all, I really enjoyed this story. There are bits I'd mess with, as discussed above, and this never really wows me the way "The Name Upon His Forehead" did, but I would be perfectly happy to read this (or a somewhat revised version of this, anyway) in a collection of professionally published speculative fiction.
HORSE: ▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉
TIER: Solid