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It's Your Turn
I yawned as I walked through the castle, my hoof-beats echoing on the crystal walls. Since Starlight had brought Sunset's present through the mirror, I looked forward to early mornings like today. Coffee. The aroma wafted from the kitchen. The clatter of my hooves increased—even the smell of the black liquid perked me up.
I entered the dining room the same instant Starlight did from the opposite door. She wore a white towel over her withers, her fur dark lavender where still moist. She'd been swimming. We froze. We both knew what this meant.
She yawned.
I yawned, raising a hoof before my muzzle. Still, my heart raced in anticipation.
Starlight lowered herself and firmly placed her legs in a fighting stance.
I mirrored her, but stretched my wings. I might need to throw myself into the air. I adjusted my stance, right fore-hoof out as Zecora taught me, and narrowed my eyes.
Today would be the day.
Starlight's turquoise eyes met mine. She tossed her mane so it didn't block her view.
I returned her gaze. Today would be my turn to win. The unpleasant incident with Trixie and the alicorn amulet had taught me that while checking off a list of spells I could cast with Spike had been satisfying, being forced to use your wits to duel a superior foe was exhilarating. Starlight was my superior in conventional magic. She'd been a street fighter once, and she taught me fast-draw techniques that I was now writing a treatise on.
A bead of sweat rolled down to the tip of my nose. You enter a room simultaneously, you duel.
"Uh, Princess?"
I blinked and stood straighter. "What?"
"It's your turn."
Her statement uncannily mirrored my thoughts. I blinked, then blinked again. "I'm pretty sure it's your turn to call the spell."
"I called it the week before your last mission."
I'd been in the Stormlands helping High Flyer and his tribe, living the life of Daring Do fighting and friendshipping in the snowy mountains and the midnight forests for weeks. It'd seemed like forever. "That's not what I remember. I remember 'Crystals!' Spike had a lot to clean up after that one."
"Ain't that the truth," came from the peanut gallery in the kitchen.
"That was before I switched the princess's cutie marks. You were stressed. I called illusions.'"
"No, no, no. That was before."
Starlight sighed. "Then I called food." Her stomach growled loudly.
Surprisingly, mine didn't, considering its emptiness. "That was after I called conjuring."
"Clothing."
"Music."
"Rainbows."
Without my coffee, I wasn't up to this. I wanted to use fast-draw techniques—she had to call it for me to do so. "Starlight, please choose."
"Ok."
For a minute her eyes moved around as she thought. She nodded, then shook her head, then scrunched her lips to the right, puzzled. Her eyes opened wide and she shrugged. "I don't know."
After that build up, I laughed. "Really?"
"Really." Her stomach growled again. "I'm hungry." A green aura briefly illuminated her horn; she grinned at me, then trotted past the stone table to the kitchen. "Hey, Spike!"
I shook my head hard enough to crack my neck. "Wait? What?"
Spike called back, "Muffins come'n up!", and strode out with a platter of bran muffins, strawberry haystacks, tomato juice, and a carafe of coffee.
Starlight followed him to a chair. Sitting, she held her forelegs wide. "I said, 'I don't know.'" She pointed at the space between us with her nose before levitating a muffin into her mouth.
Something shimmered in the air. I trotted over. Hovering in a soap bubble were vaguely transparent watery letters that sparkled and fizzed.
They read, "This space intentionally TBD."
"T. B. D.?" I whispered.
Starlight said, "To be determined."
My jaw dropped.
"I win," Starlight said cheerfully. I heard flowing liquid and looked to see her pour coffee into my porcelain cup. "Now come and enjoy breakfast."
I entered the dining room the same instant Starlight did from the opposite door. She wore a white towel over her withers, her fur dark lavender where still moist. She'd been swimming. We froze. We both knew what this meant.
She yawned.
I yawned, raising a hoof before my muzzle. Still, my heart raced in anticipation.
Starlight lowered herself and firmly placed her legs in a fighting stance.
I mirrored her, but stretched my wings. I might need to throw myself into the air. I adjusted my stance, right fore-hoof out as Zecora taught me, and narrowed my eyes.
Today would be the day.
Starlight's turquoise eyes met mine. She tossed her mane so it didn't block her view.
I returned her gaze. Today would be my turn to win. The unpleasant incident with Trixie and the alicorn amulet had taught me that while checking off a list of spells I could cast with Spike had been satisfying, being forced to use your wits to duel a superior foe was exhilarating. Starlight was my superior in conventional magic. She'd been a street fighter once, and she taught me fast-draw techniques that I was now writing a treatise on.
A bead of sweat rolled down to the tip of my nose. You enter a room simultaneously, you duel.
"Uh, Princess?"
I blinked and stood straighter. "What?"
"It's your turn."
Her statement uncannily mirrored my thoughts. I blinked, then blinked again. "I'm pretty sure it's your turn to call the spell."
"I called it the week before your last mission."
I'd been in the Stormlands helping High Flyer and his tribe, living the life of Daring Do fighting and friendshipping in the snowy mountains and the midnight forests for weeks. It'd seemed like forever. "That's not what I remember. I remember 'Crystals!' Spike had a lot to clean up after that one."
"Ain't that the truth," came from the peanut gallery in the kitchen.
"That was before I switched the princess's cutie marks. You were stressed. I called illusions.'"
"No, no, no. That was before."
Starlight sighed. "Then I called food." Her stomach growled loudly.
Surprisingly, mine didn't, considering its emptiness. "That was after I called conjuring."
"Clothing."
"Music."
"Rainbows."
Without my coffee, I wasn't up to this. I wanted to use fast-draw techniques—she had to call it for me to do so. "Starlight, please choose."
"Ok."
For a minute her eyes moved around as she thought. She nodded, then shook her head, then scrunched her lips to the right, puzzled. Her eyes opened wide and she shrugged. "I don't know."
After that build up, I laughed. "Really?"
"Really." Her stomach growled again. "I'm hungry." A green aura briefly illuminated her horn; she grinned at me, then trotted past the stone table to the kitchen. "Hey, Spike!"
I shook my head hard enough to crack my neck. "Wait? What?"
Spike called back, "Muffins come'n up!", and strode out with a platter of bran muffins, strawberry haystacks, tomato juice, and a carafe of coffee.
Starlight followed him to a chair. Sitting, she held her forelegs wide. "I said, 'I don't know.'" She pointed at the space between us with her nose before levitating a muffin into her mouth.
Something shimmered in the air. I trotted over. Hovering in a soap bubble were vaguely transparent watery letters that sparkled and fizzed.
They read, "This space intentionally TBD."
"T. B. D.?" I whispered.
Starlight said, "To be determined."
My jaw dropped.
"I win," Starlight said cheerfully. I heard flowing liquid and looked to see her pour coffee into my porcelain cup. "Now come and enjoy breakfast."
Alas and alack, I must confess: I don't get it. I'm with you as far as the dueling part, but then what's this about "calling" something? Calling... what? Calling some sort of parameter to duel over? Some type of spell? And Starlight chooses "I don't know" and then makes a bubble that says TBD, and this qualifies as winning, somehow?
Someone's going to have to explain this to me, there's clearly some logic going on here that is just passing me by. Ah well. Other than the obscurity of the core, it's decent, probably? Thanks for writing!
Someone's going to have to explain this to me, there's clearly some logic going on here that is just passing me by. Ah well. Other than the obscurity of the core, it's decent, probably? Thanks for writing!
the execution of this story is a confusing mess. but I really appreciate the underlying concept it was built upon. there's something really funny about unicorns having impromptu kungfu/quickdraw magic duels. especially over little things (and not taking over Ponyville like Trixie did)
I just don't get the logic going on here in this plot. the story could be whimsical and fun if written with clarity.
I just don't get the logic going on here in this plot. the story could be whimsical and fun if written with clarity.
Doing my tour of stories with low count reviews.
I'm with >>Ranmilia and >>Haze. For the whole duel thing, I was in, waiting to see how the tension would break. Would you go for a switch or will you just continue what you built the tension for?
You aimed for the switch and I don't get it. They name something, but is it related to what the other said before? Is it related to what's surrounding them? Or maybe something else? I can't figure it out, and unfortunately, it isn't a negligible part of your story. Thus, I couldn't quite enjoy it. Make it clearer and you'll probably end up with something great.
I'm with >>Ranmilia and >>Haze. For the whole duel thing, I was in, waiting to see how the tension would break. Would you go for a switch or will you just continue what you built the tension for?
You aimed for the switch and I don't get it. They name something, but is it related to what the other said before? Is it related to what's surrounding them? Or maybe something else? I can't figure it out, and unfortunately, it isn't a negligible part of your story. Thus, I couldn't quite enjoy it. Make it clearer and you'll probably end up with something great.
I like this story a lot. Very creative and fun, and totes on-character voicing. A few points follow.
Hello, dangling participle! (Which spells do you need Spike in order to cast?) :derpytongue2: Seriously, this isn't pedantic: I did read it that way, given the context of Spike being present during the Duel.
I don't think 'street-fighter' is a good backstory for rare-talent magery. That's like taking a gun to a knife-fight: you don't need to get good at it.
Now for the ending. I actually get it, but even for me it's very obtuse and took a little thinking, and this makes it less satisfying. Your audience will undoubtedly be confused unless they are Titanium Dragon, which accounts for the previous reviews. (And if you wrote this for Titanium Dragon you forgot to make Flutters weep. 'S-weep 's-weep 's-weep 's-weep.)
If you expand this story a little past the format, you'll have room to explain the 'calling' with a mental flashback or two. That could make it work, and I hope you do so because I really like the story! Just remember that too much cleverness becomes worthless when it goes over the heads of your readers.
Example here.
"...checking off a list of spells I could cast with Spike..."
Hello, dangling participle! (Which spells do you need Spike in order to cast?) :derpytongue2: Seriously, this isn't pedantic: I did read it that way, given the context of Spike being present during the Duel.
I don't think 'street-fighter' is a good backstory for rare-talent magery. That's like taking a gun to a knife-fight: you don't need to get good at it.
Now for the ending. I actually get it, but even for me it's very obtuse and took a little thinking, and this makes it less satisfying. Your audience will undoubtedly be confused unless they are Titanium Dragon, which accounts for the previous reviews. (And if you wrote this for Titanium Dragon you forgot to make Flutters weep. 'S-weep 's-weep 's-weep 's-weep.)
If you expand this story a little past the format, you'll have room to explain the 'calling' with a mental flashback or two. That could make it work, and I hope you do so because I really like the story! Just remember that too much cleverness becomes worthless when it goes over the heads of your readers.
Example here.
>>Ranmilia I think I get it. Unicorns enter a room simultaneously, they duel. Starlight and Twilight adhere to this tradition, and one of them decides the theme for the spells that they cast at one another. They argue over whose turn it is. Starlight gets it, and wins by technicality, beating Twilight to the draw by naming the theme ("I don't know") and casting a spell that reflects that theme (the "to be decided" thing at the end).
I admit that it took me a while to draw that conclusion, though. The characters are fun and well voiced, but as >>Haze said, the execution is a bit of a mess.
I admit that it took me a while to draw that conclusion, though. The characters are fun and well voiced, but as >>Haze said, the execution is a bit of a mess.