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A Man is Dead
A man died and another one was dying.
“Defendant, stand up.”
The presiding judge’s voice was commanding and the man complied.
“Mr. Duncan Bishop, you are hereby accused of involuntary manslaughter. How do you plead?”
He had two words to say. Two words he had practised many times with his lawyer, who was now looking at him concerned. Two words and everything would be fine, according to him.
Nothing was fine. The heavy lump in his throat and his shaking hands told the truth. If only he could do the same. Raising his head, he only let out a gurgling beyond understanding.
“You must speak up when addressing the court, Mr. Bishop,” snapped the presiding judge.
“N-Not Guilty,” he stammered.
That was it. He had done it, he had told the biggest lie of his life, and without breaking down.
“Fine, you may sit.”
Duncan sat down and took his head in his hands, vainly trying to disappear from existence, but the harsh reality came back with his lawyer's speech. The fact he was ten years younger than him was wry—a kid was supposed to defend him.
“... has even never received any ticket. My client is a respectful citizen, paying his taxes and having never been charged of any crimes.”
If he wasn’t feeling so miserable, he would have stood up and strangled him to silence him. He had to listen to his praise instead, listen to how he was a good man.
Good men didn’t break the speed limit.
Good men always focused when driving.
Good men didn’t kill people.
“What happened is a regrettable accident,” added his lawyer. “One of those accidents that life sometimes brings. It is a tragedy no one could have foreseen. I will prove that my client is innocent, Your Honour.”
Despite all the arguments, something in Duncan’s mind was repeating he was a murderer. Several times, he had been almost convinced he wasn’t one. The light had been green. There had been many cars parked that had prevented him from seeing the guy crossing the street. He had broken the speed limit by only two miles per hour.
His inner voice often focused on those two miles per hour. Maybe if he had driven slower, he could have stopped in time. Maybe if he hadn't been listening to the radio, he would have reacted faster. Surely if he hadn’t taken his car, none of this would have happened. Every time he relived the event, he could clearly see how things could have gone differently.
“I thank you, Mr. Owen. We will audition your witnesses in a moment.” She put some order in the paper in front of her.
He had to do something, he had to end this pantomime if he wanted to be able to look in the mirror.
“Your Honor?” he called.
The judged turned her head. “Mr. Bishop, would you like to add something before?”
He stood up again, trying to keep his balance and his head high for what he was about to say. He had passed through life by keeping his integrity immaculate and today would not be different.
“Yes… I would like to come back to what I’ve said.”
“The Court is listening.”
He took a deep breath. “I plead guilty.”
It had been much more easier to say these words, even if they could mean he wouldn’t see the sunlight before long. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the expression on his lawyer’s face, saying “You can’t be serious!”
There was a deafening silence, followed by whispers, turning into louder exclamations and the presiding judge slammed his hammer.
“Quiet!” The silence fell in the room. “Mr. Bishop, are you absolutely sure you want to plead guilty?”
“Yes, Your Honor.” His voice was firm and determined.
“Very well…”
When he sat down, he did what he thought he could never do again. He smiled, a tear running down his cheek.
“Defendant, stand up.”
The presiding judge’s voice was commanding and the man complied.
“Mr. Duncan Bishop, you are hereby accused of involuntary manslaughter. How do you plead?”
He had two words to say. Two words he had practised many times with his lawyer, who was now looking at him concerned. Two words and everything would be fine, according to him.
Nothing was fine. The heavy lump in his throat and his shaking hands told the truth. If only he could do the same. Raising his head, he only let out a gurgling beyond understanding.
“You must speak up when addressing the court, Mr. Bishop,” snapped the presiding judge.
“N-Not Guilty,” he stammered.
That was it. He had done it, he had told the biggest lie of his life, and without breaking down.
“Fine, you may sit.”
Duncan sat down and took his head in his hands, vainly trying to disappear from existence, but the harsh reality came back with his lawyer's speech. The fact he was ten years younger than him was wry—a kid was supposed to defend him.
“... has even never received any ticket. My client is a respectful citizen, paying his taxes and having never been charged of any crimes.”
If he wasn’t feeling so miserable, he would have stood up and strangled him to silence him. He had to listen to his praise instead, listen to how he was a good man.
Good men didn’t break the speed limit.
Good men always focused when driving.
Good men didn’t kill people.
“What happened is a regrettable accident,” added his lawyer. “One of those accidents that life sometimes brings. It is a tragedy no one could have foreseen. I will prove that my client is innocent, Your Honour.”
Despite all the arguments, something in Duncan’s mind was repeating he was a murderer. Several times, he had been almost convinced he wasn’t one. The light had been green. There had been many cars parked that had prevented him from seeing the guy crossing the street. He had broken the speed limit by only two miles per hour.
His inner voice often focused on those two miles per hour. Maybe if he had driven slower, he could have stopped in time. Maybe if he hadn't been listening to the radio, he would have reacted faster. Surely if he hadn’t taken his car, none of this would have happened. Every time he relived the event, he could clearly see how things could have gone differently.
“I thank you, Mr. Owen. We will audition your witnesses in a moment.” She put some order in the paper in front of her.
He had to do something, he had to end this pantomime if he wanted to be able to look in the mirror.
“Your Honor?” he called.
The judged turned her head. “Mr. Bishop, would you like to add something before?”
He stood up again, trying to keep his balance and his head high for what he was about to say. He had passed through life by keeping his integrity immaculate and today would not be different.
“Yes… I would like to come back to what I’ve said.”
“The Court is listening.”
He took a deep breath. “I plead guilty.”
It had been much more easier to say these words, even if they could mean he wouldn’t see the sunlight before long. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the expression on his lawyer’s face, saying “You can’t be serious!”
There was a deafening silence, followed by whispers, turning into louder exclamations and the presiding judge slammed his hammer.
“Quiet!” The silence fell in the room. “Mr. Bishop, are you absolutely sure you want to plead guilty?”
“Yes, Your Honor.” His voice was firm and determined.
“Very well…”
When he sat down, he did what he thought he could never do again. He smiled, a tear running down his cheek.
I don’t have much to say here. The story is short and straightforward and the conflict simple (if not simplistic). I don’t think you have reached the 750 words you were entitled to here, so I think you could have used more words to beef up your story.
Even for a minific, this feel much more like a backbone than a full-fleshed story.
Even for a minific, this feel much more like a backbone than a full-fleshed story.
Ehhh… This had some great emotion in it, but I don't like the ambiguity. If he really is guilty, and he pleads guilty, than maybe he's following his heart to stand up for justice. That's cliched, but I can live with it. On the other hand, if he's not guilty and he pleads he is, then this is a man creating a miscarriage of justice in order to assuage his own feelings… and I don't really like that. I can tell how he feels about this, so that's good work, but I can't decide if he's actually guilty. And that's a bit of a problem for me, because In the end, his feelings don't really determine if he's guilty or not. Making the truth vs. his feelings clearer here would make this a lot less frustrating for me.
There's a lot of forced emotion here. The judge snapping, the defendant's anguish. I appreciate that this story actually has a character, a conflict, a climactic action and a (short) resolution, something most minifics don't even attempt. But it's rather simply done.
Also, although I normally hate to quibble with a story's presentation of facts, I have to echo what Hat said about this guy's actual determination of guilt. If the light really was green, and he couldn't see the guy crossing the street, then he's probably not guilty. Certainly, he doesn't feel like he's in an emotional state to accurately judge his own guilt, which basically means this guy has a martyr's complex. Maybe that's what you intended, but it's hardly admirable and certainly not just.
Also, although I normally hate to quibble with a story's presentation of facts, I have to echo what Hat said about this guy's actual determination of guilt. If the light really was green, and he couldn't see the guy crossing the street, then he's probably not guilty. Certainly, he doesn't feel like he's in an emotional state to accurately judge his own guilt, which basically means this guy has a martyr's complex. Maybe that's what you intended, but it's hardly admirable and certainly not just.
Echoing >>Not_A_Hat and >>Cold in Gardez, to me this is not quite the story it intends to be.
It intends to be an introspective tearjerker about a man wrestling with personal responsibility and guilt. But what's actually written is a jerk utterly failing at courtroom etiquette. This isn't how trials work. This isn't even how Hollywood trials work! You can read more about pleading guilty here, assuming this is set in America (biased assumption perhaps, but seems to fit the writing?): http://www.americanbar.org/publications/criminal_justice_section_archive/crimjust_standards_guiltypleas_blk.html
Nitpicking accuracy to that level in minis might be too harsh, though. But what the above comments said about Duncan's feelings not determining his actual guilt still stands. By setting the trial in the actual courtroom, the story puts emphasis on the actual legal proceedings, and therefore the factual determination of guilt as opposed to Duncan's feelings of guilt. Ignoring that gives off the vibe that the courtroom setting is just there for some additional drama, and the actual story should be something more like Duncan talking to his lawyer and having this breakdown in a less public setting.
All that said, CiG is also correct in that the story does have a solid structure, character, conflict and resolution. Not bad technically, but work on messaging and nuance. Somewhere in the average-ish pack in the end. Thanks for writing!
It intends to be an introspective tearjerker about a man wrestling with personal responsibility and guilt. But what's actually written is a jerk utterly failing at courtroom etiquette. This isn't how trials work. This isn't even how Hollywood trials work! You can read more about pleading guilty here, assuming this is set in America (biased assumption perhaps, but seems to fit the writing?): http://www.americanbar.org/publications/criminal_justice_section_archive/crimjust_standards_guiltypleas_blk.html
Nitpicking accuracy to that level in minis might be too harsh, though. But what the above comments said about Duncan's feelings not determining his actual guilt still stands. By setting the trial in the actual courtroom, the story puts emphasis on the actual legal proceedings, and therefore the factual determination of guilt as opposed to Duncan's feelings of guilt. Ignoring that gives off the vibe that the courtroom setting is just there for some additional drama, and the actual story should be something more like Duncan talking to his lawyer and having this breakdown in a less public setting.
All that said, CiG is also correct in that the story does have a solid structure, character, conflict and resolution. Not bad technically, but work on messaging and nuance. Somewhere in the average-ish pack in the end. Thanks for writing!
>>Monokeras
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Ranmilia
So this was my shot for this round (hahaha).
Not really inspired by the prompt, I ended up going for something simple. One emotion, one character, one conflict. I was satisfied how it ended as a structure but that was all.
I think I should have focus more on the duality between the court and the man. This way, maybe you wouldn't have been confused by the guilt thing. The main idea was the guilt the man was feeling, not judging from an outside POV if he was really guilty. So all technical aspects didn't seem important to me.
Anyway, there isn't much to say for this simple story. I didn't think long about it but I thank you nonetheless for taking time to point out what was weak. I will sure spend more time thinking about what everyone said than what I've spent thinking about the story itself.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Ranmilia
So this was my shot for this round (hahaha).
Not really inspired by the prompt, I ended up going for something simple. One emotion, one character, one conflict. I was satisfied how it ended as a structure but that was all.
I think I should have focus more on the duality between the court and the man. This way, maybe you wouldn't have been confused by the guilt thing. The main idea was the guilt the man was feeling, not judging from an outside POV if he was really guilty. So all technical aspects didn't seem important to me.
Anyway, there isn't much to say for this simple story. I didn't think long about it but I thank you nonetheless for taking time to point out what was weak. I will sure spend more time thinking about what everyone said than what I've spent thinking about the story itself.