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A Distinct Lack of Regret
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Well, that was both epic and anticlimatic. Let's see why.
You have a strong setup, with characters who felt deeper than what we only have here. We understand that they have some backstories together, which you didn't bother to fully explain but instead hinting at it here and there, and that is great.
The fight scenes were pretty neat and epic, with enough build-up to have good tension.
The interaction between the characters were good too.
The writing is simple but I think it greatly fits the kind of story you wanted to tell.
As a little nitpick, I would suggest to avoid relying on stereotypes and clichés from not so popular materials and explain them a bit more. I got some of them but some others passed over my head.
My main problem is with what the story actually tells with such a setup. I got the impression to read an anime episode (good job on that part if it was one of your goal) but not the kind of epic episodes with a lot of drama. It felt more like a filler episode where the heroes live a plain adventure without much to get from. I mean, Anthony is a freelance working for SPOOK and this mission didn't seem very big, just the kind of casual missions he probably does regularly.
Anthony doesn't seem to have learned or understood something. He did his job, succeeded, end of story.
Now I can enjoy filler episodes when they're good, and this one was good, but I can enjoy them because they belong to a whole. Filler episodes are opportunities to add more characterisation and details on your story. Unfortunately, this story doesn't belong to a whole saga, it has to stand on its own and some of foundations are a bit weak.
I still enjoyed the story and I will probably rank it as a high mid-tier. Thank you for sharing.
You have a strong setup, with characters who felt deeper than what we only have here. We understand that they have some backstories together, which you didn't bother to fully explain but instead hinting at it here and there, and that is great.
The fight scenes were pretty neat and epic, with enough build-up to have good tension.
The interaction between the characters were good too.
The writing is simple but I think it greatly fits the kind of story you wanted to tell.
As a little nitpick, I would suggest to avoid relying on stereotypes and clichés from not so popular materials and explain them a bit more. I got some of them but some others passed over my head.
My main problem is with what the story actually tells with such a setup. I got the impression to read an anime episode (good job on that part if it was one of your goal) but not the kind of epic episodes with a lot of drama. It felt more like a filler episode where the heroes live a plain adventure without much to get from. I mean, Anthony is a freelance working for SPOOK and this mission didn't seem very big, just the kind of casual missions he probably does regularly.
Anthony doesn't seem to have learned or understood something. He did his job, succeeded, end of story.
Now I can enjoy filler episodes when they're good, and this one was good, but I can enjoy them because they belong to a whole. Filler episodes are opportunities to add more characterisation and details on your story. Unfortunately, this story doesn't belong to a whole saga, it has to stand on its own and some of foundations are a bit weak.
I still enjoyed the story and I will probably rank it as a high mid-tier. Thank you for sharing.
I'll largely echo >>Fenton:
There's a lot of fun stuff here, but, as with most of the stories I've read so far this round, the ending leaves me dissatisfied. Why are we getting the story of this particular adventure in Anthony and his friends' lives? Why not the adventure before this one or the adventure after? The events here don't seem to matter much to the characters, so I found it hard in the end to make them matter much to me...
Mike
There's a lot of fun stuff here, but, as with most of the stories I've read so far this round, the ending leaves me dissatisfied. Why are we getting the story of this particular adventure in Anthony and his friends' lives? Why not the adventure before this one or the adventure after? The events here don't seem to matter much to the characters, so I found it hard in the end to make them matter much to me...
Mike
Oh, wow.
Well. Half an hour later, finally recovering from fits of laughter, I should probably do something resembling commentary on this.
Everything >>Fenton said. Commentary done!
Ok not done, but that's a really great starting point. I'll disagree with the above posters on knocking this for being episodic, I am completely fine with this being an episode of Tony the Vampire Slayer, I don't think it needs any grand drama or sweeping resolution when an ordinary mission for this motley crew is so entertaining. Keeping things light keeps the focus on the characters and jokes, which I think is a good thing. It was clear I didn't need to search for any grand plot, and that let me free my attention and enjoy the ride.
At the same time, there IS a very serviceable plot for this short story, with more meat on it than most entries have. We get a nice opening, action, a move back to character dynamics and some searching and attempts to overcome a problem, each character clearly faces some individual problems of their own, and then once the stage is set we move in and have a climax encounter and resolution. This is exactly the sort of complete narrative arc that I mention looking for in, oh, 70% of writeoff critiques. Well done, almost full marks. The only flaws I can pick at are the ending (which is rather rushed, doesn't revisit Grey at all, and could use some more elaboration on where Anthony's going to go from here with the cursed blade) and the early-to-middle bits (which are a bit slow, sometimes repetitive, and could use some fat-trimming.)
Great characters, very vivid. Great jokes, I think I got most of them, but there are probably more to be discovered. In the interests of full disclosure, this story hits a fair number of my personal tastes, so take that with a grain of salt, but WOW does this nail its tone and cadence perfectly for the genre. It is derivative in some respects, but that's the whole idea, to be able to fire off madcap references while maintaining its own spin.
This is an instant favorite for me, hands down, ranking highly among everything I've seen on the site. It's not unbeatable (and I hope there is something else here that beats it, because that means we get another amazing story this round) but it's going to play King of the Hill on my slate, and taking that hill won't be easy. I both want to read more about these characters, and would be satisfied if this was the only piece I ever read about them. Revise this, fix the ending, and post it somewhere. Thanks for writing!
Well. Half an hour later, finally recovering from fits of laughter, I should probably do something resembling commentary on this.
Everything >>Fenton said. Commentary done!
Ok not done, but that's a really great starting point. I'll disagree with the above posters on knocking this for being episodic, I am completely fine with this being an episode of Tony the Vampire Slayer, I don't think it needs any grand drama or sweeping resolution when an ordinary mission for this motley crew is so entertaining. Keeping things light keeps the focus on the characters and jokes, which I think is a good thing. It was clear I didn't need to search for any grand plot, and that let me free my attention and enjoy the ride.
At the same time, there IS a very serviceable plot for this short story, with more meat on it than most entries have. We get a nice opening, action, a move back to character dynamics and some searching and attempts to overcome a problem, each character clearly faces some individual problems of their own, and then once the stage is set we move in and have a climax encounter and resolution. This is exactly the sort of complete narrative arc that I mention looking for in, oh, 70% of writeoff critiques. Well done, almost full marks. The only flaws I can pick at are the ending (which is rather rushed, doesn't revisit Grey at all, and could use some more elaboration on where Anthony's going to go from here with the cursed blade) and the early-to-middle bits (which are a bit slow, sometimes repetitive, and could use some fat-trimming.)
Great characters, very vivid. Great jokes, I think I got most of them, but there are probably more to be discovered. In the interests of full disclosure, this story hits a fair number of my personal tastes, so take that with a grain of salt, but WOW does this nail its tone and cadence perfectly for the genre. It is derivative in some respects, but that's the whole idea, to be able to fire off madcap references while maintaining its own spin.
This is an instant favorite for me, hands down, ranking highly among everything I've seen on the site. It's not unbeatable (and I hope there is something else here that beats it, because that means we get another amazing story this round) but it's going to play King of the Hill on my slate, and taking that hill won't be easy. I both want to read more about these characters, and would be satisfied if this was the only piece I ever read about them. Revise this, fix the ending, and post it somewhere. Thanks for writing!
A hairpin turn in the mood in three paragraphs. I like it.
On the other hand, we get this: “ … came the reply from the handsome man standing on a nearby chapel’s roof”. First, it's something of a faux pas to introduce characters by a description. Second, “handsome” is a dreadful description. Too vague. On the other hand, Min-Jun's actual dialogue serves as a much better introduction.
“The air around him blazed red as the infernal fires of hell blazed in a ring around him for the barest moment before the cut healed itself, leaving behind ruined night vision and two piles of charred bones.” Overlong sentence, repetition of “blazed”, and again, vague. This is an important point, evidently, so it deserves some more details, clearer descriptions, and more than one sentence.
Okay – I've read this to the end now, and I'm hitting two major problems for the whole piece.
One: style and setting. Nearly everything here is a cliché. Snarky human PI (or freelancer) snarking at every mote of dust that crosses his path. Supernatural creatures, also snarky, working with him. (And all of them are pretty much empty of characterisation beyond the snark.) Secret government agency for the supernatural. Magic sword. Necromancers. Pop culture references. Etc. etc. That said, I like the inclusion of a kumiho (had to look that one up). But that's just a tiny bit of glitter against a grey background.
Two: Story structure. You set up a mystery at the beginning. Then cast tracts of the story are just characters pottering around at home and sniping at each other. Then suddenly there's an answer, and everything ends. I think part of the problem is that for the first two thirds, you seem to be trying to set up a novel, with the appropriate pacing. So we get an intro to a mystery and artefact, then a long introduction to the characters. Problem is, with novel pacing, that alone takes up most of the story. Then there's no time to do anything but cram a quick resolution onto the end of it. Then the hints at character backgrounds never go anywhere because there's no space for them.
That said, there is a glimmer of a good idea here. Ubagabi. Kill, kill, kill. That's your true story here, not the ramble about a yiffy necromancer. And you get some of the structure right here – it's there at the start. It dives in with a dark conclusion at the end. It gets the foreshadowing commentary about demon artefacts (albeit a little too late). Bu that's not enough. If you want to fix this, I'd suggest expanding its appearances quite a bit. It needs at least one important scene in the middle, and the demon artefact idea should be brought up earlier and have more of an impact.
On the other hand, we get this: “ … came the reply from the handsome man standing on a nearby chapel’s roof”. First, it's something of a faux pas to introduce characters by a description. Second, “handsome” is a dreadful description. Too vague. On the other hand, Min-Jun's actual dialogue serves as a much better introduction.
“The air around him blazed red as the infernal fires of hell blazed in a ring around him for the barest moment before the cut healed itself, leaving behind ruined night vision and two piles of charred bones.” Overlong sentence, repetition of “blazed”, and again, vague. This is an important point, evidently, so it deserves some more details, clearer descriptions, and more than one sentence.
Okay – I've read this to the end now, and I'm hitting two major problems for the whole piece.
One: style and setting. Nearly everything here is a cliché. Snarky human PI (or freelancer) snarking at every mote of dust that crosses his path. Supernatural creatures, also snarky, working with him. (And all of them are pretty much empty of characterisation beyond the snark.) Secret government agency for the supernatural. Magic sword. Necromancers. Pop culture references. Etc. etc. That said, I like the inclusion of a kumiho (had to look that one up). But that's just a tiny bit of glitter against a grey background.
Two: Story structure. You set up a mystery at the beginning. Then cast tracts of the story are just characters pottering around at home and sniping at each other. Then suddenly there's an answer, and everything ends. I think part of the problem is that for the first two thirds, you seem to be trying to set up a novel, with the appropriate pacing. So we get an intro to a mystery and artefact, then a long introduction to the characters. Problem is, with novel pacing, that alone takes up most of the story. Then there's no time to do anything but cram a quick resolution onto the end of it. Then the hints at character backgrounds never go anywhere because there's no space for them.
That said, there is a glimmer of a good idea here. Ubagabi. Kill, kill, kill. That's your true story here, not the ramble about a yiffy necromancer. And you get some of the structure right here – it's there at the start. It dives in with a dark conclusion at the end. It gets the foreshadowing commentary about demon artefacts (albeit a little too late). Bu that's not enough. If you want to fix this, I'd suggest expanding its appearances quite a bit. It needs at least one important scene in the middle, and the demon artefact idea should be brought up earlier and have more of an impact.
Boy if there was ever a story that needed a second pass, this is it. Lot, lot, lot of clear typos. Just things like missed punctuation and the like, as well as some bizarrely repeated words and sentence structures.
That said, this story is fast food, but in the good way. Sometimes I want McDonald's or something. Sometimes I just want a simple adventure story. It is pretty breezy, reads well (when not typo'd), arcs decently (though the end is a huge anticlimax in a not particularly satisfying way and could use more something... pizzazz?). For like the millionth time this round, it puts me a bit in mind of like Fafhrd and the Grey Mouser style stuff: short stories that all stand independently but also could have arcs and development between them.
I do think there is something to be said for episodic stories. Not every story needs to be some great, epic character drama or the like. I think the recent push away from episodic stuff and into all arc driven stuff (primarily from on demand entertainment) is, in some ways, a shame. Episodic stuff is fun. And yes, yes, episodic stuff can have deep, great moments too. But they don't have to. Like, Fight Fighters and Soos and the Real Girl are fantastic Gravity Falls episodes just because they are fun, and this is kinda the same thing. Just fun characters and a fun situation.
That said, this story is fast food, but in the good way. Sometimes I want McDonald's or something. Sometimes I just want a simple adventure story. It is pretty breezy, reads well (when not typo'd), arcs decently (though the end is a huge anticlimax in a not particularly satisfying way and could use more something... pizzazz?). For like the millionth time this round, it puts me a bit in mind of like Fafhrd and the Grey Mouser style stuff: short stories that all stand independently but also could have arcs and development between them.
I do think there is something to be said for episodic stories. Not every story needs to be some great, epic character drama or the like. I think the recent push away from episodic stuff and into all arc driven stuff (primarily from on demand entertainment) is, in some ways, a shame. Episodic stuff is fun. And yes, yes, episodic stuff can have deep, great moments too. But they don't have to. Like, Fight Fighters and Soos and the Real Girl are fantastic Gravity Falls episodes just because they are fun, and this is kinda the same thing. Just fun characters and a fun situation.
Some episodic adventure fiction inspired by various creepypastas, modern urban fantasy, my unending desire to write about nerd shit, and art prompts pushing me to take it far.
Unfortunately, I didn't get to do anything other than the initial draft, which is really evident in the quantity of basic typos, as well as some of the bizarre phrasing and repeated words/structures evident throughout the story.
So, yeah.
>>Fenton Well, strictly speaking, emulating anime wasn't a stated goal, but is an influence, so I can't complain too much. That said, while there is some merit to what you say, I also disagree that a short story necessarily requires that a character learn or understand something. In way, I actually feel that has been a thing that has been holding me back in the field of episodic adventure fiction. You just can't really force characters to learn something all the time.
I'm actually listening to some Holmes short stories right now (specifically those in The Improbable Adventures of Sherlock Holmes) and... yeah. Some stories end with bigger revelations for Holmes and the like, some don't and you're just there for the ride. (You see a lot of that in Fafhrd and the Grey Mouser too. There are definitely some arced stories where our intrepid heroes learn things and experience big life changes, but there are plenty where they just do shit). That said, especially with the conclusion as is, I can see it lacking the punch to really be satisfying a more adventure focused bit.
Thankies!
>>Baal Bunny See the above to Fenton, really. That said, I could add a little more vested life interest in their work and probably be the better for it.
>>Ranmilia I can just chat with you later.
>>Scramblers and Shadows Hm. Lemme see if I can better formulate my response and get back to you. I agree with parts of your comment and disagree, but am not sure how to best express the disagreement at this hour.
Unfortunately, I didn't get to do anything other than the initial draft, which is really evident in the quantity of basic typos, as well as some of the bizarre phrasing and repeated words/structures evident throughout the story.
So, yeah.
>>Fenton Well, strictly speaking, emulating anime wasn't a stated goal, but is an influence, so I can't complain too much. That said, while there is some merit to what you say, I also disagree that a short story necessarily requires that a character learn or understand something. In way, I actually feel that has been a thing that has been holding me back in the field of episodic adventure fiction. You just can't really force characters to learn something all the time.
I'm actually listening to some Holmes short stories right now (specifically those in The Improbable Adventures of Sherlock Holmes) and... yeah. Some stories end with bigger revelations for Holmes and the like, some don't and you're just there for the ride. (You see a lot of that in Fafhrd and the Grey Mouser too. There are definitely some arced stories where our intrepid heroes learn things and experience big life changes, but there are plenty where they just do shit). That said, especially with the conclusion as is, I can see it lacking the punch to really be satisfying a more adventure focused bit.
Thankies!
>>Baal Bunny See the above to Fenton, really. That said, I could add a little more vested life interest in their work and probably be the better for it.
>>Ranmilia I can just chat with you later.
>>Scramblers and Shadows Hm. Lemme see if I can better formulate my response and get back to you. I agree with parts of your comment and disagree, but am not sure how to best express the disagreement at this hour.