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Adrift
“You have no new messages. First s-”
“End messages. Day seventy-seven of being adrift in the Casleo system. I opened up a new food package last night, chicken tetrazzini with lmuoa sauce with cheesy mashed potatoes and honey-butter rolls and a dupox berry pie with a red wine flavoring packet. I had both rolls because bread never reseals right and a bit of the rest save the pie, which I am saving for tonight. Decent taste, need to see how well they pair with the reclamation cakes. I’m happy to be done with the meatloaf, I was starting to consider stepping out the air lock without a suit at the end there. I’ll update in the morning. End log entry.”
“You have no ne-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Day seventy-eight of being adrift in the Casleo system. The chicken is descent with the reclamation cakes but the cheesy potatoes pair disturbingly well with them. The pie was fine, a bit dry. End log entry.”
“You have no new mes-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Day eighty of being adrift in the Casleo system. I’ve given up on the thrusters, too deformed. The warping drive was a better idea anyways, but I’ve run out of novel ideas on how to fix it. If I had some four to five micron thick tilithium alloy I could maybe get it working at a low output. But all the tilithium I can access is too thick and I’d run out of food long before I could shave any of it down to thin enough. I’m going to check the com array again tomorrow. Speaking of novels mine is coming along fine, Kim and Golurop have finally meet each other finally. End log entry.”
“You have no new messages. First saved message.”
“Hey Joc-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Day eighty-one of being adrift in the Casleo system. The coms array hadn’t changed since the last time I looked at it, still mostly intact but for the one important bit. I am about to drift out of Casleo two’s shadow though, be nice to see some new stars instead of the gas giant. End log entry.”
“You have one new message. First new message.”
“Hello - Jocobee - this is a reminder call that your subscription to - Trade Systems Monthly - will expire at the end of the galactic year if you do not renew. Have a pleasant day.”
“First saved message.”
“Hey Jocobee hope your plexal is staying wet! Me and the spawns are heading to Gor-”
“End, end messages… . … . … . Begin log entry. Day one hundred and three. I just can’t right now. I’ll explain tomorrow. End log entry.”
“You have n-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Day one two nine, you guessed it, Casleo. My plants are dying. If anyone has been following along with all my logs then they may remember aaaaaaaall the way back in log four when I mentioned the break in the water lines for them. I was more worried about having lost water then but I did get most of it back. I should have been worried about contamination, because that’s what happened. Something got in and now my plants are showing signs of toxic shock. I’ve not got much botany knowledge local and of course don’t have net access so I’m not sure what I can do. End log entry.”
“You have no-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Day one three three, Casleo. Nothing for the plants. I can get a bit more time but they’ll die and then I will a bit after. Had an idea for the warper. High probability it blows up and I die from that. We’ll see. End log entry.”
“You have one new message.”
“U.G.E. Gangaroulo, this is captain Murderkill of the U.G.E. Fuck It From Orbit, we’ve gotten your automated distress signal and are en route to a rescue. By the time this messages reaches you we should be twenty-four G.S. days out from your location, I hope you can last that long. Just know that help is on the way, end transmission.”
“Fir-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Help is on the way! I just need to figure out how to buy an extra seven days of air. I’ve cut all my corner already but now I’ve got a real goal to keep me going instead of just foolish stubbornness. End log entry."
“End messages. Day seventy-seven of being adrift in the Casleo system. I opened up a new food package last night, chicken tetrazzini with lmuoa sauce with cheesy mashed potatoes and honey-butter rolls and a dupox berry pie with a red wine flavoring packet. I had both rolls because bread never reseals right and a bit of the rest save the pie, which I am saving for tonight. Decent taste, need to see how well they pair with the reclamation cakes. I’m happy to be done with the meatloaf, I was starting to consider stepping out the air lock without a suit at the end there. I’ll update in the morning. End log entry.”
---
“You have no ne-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Day seventy-eight of being adrift in the Casleo system. The chicken is descent with the reclamation cakes but the cheesy potatoes pair disturbingly well with them. The pie was fine, a bit dry. End log entry.”
---
“You have no new mes-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Day eighty of being adrift in the Casleo system. I’ve given up on the thrusters, too deformed. The warping drive was a better idea anyways, but I’ve run out of novel ideas on how to fix it. If I had some four to five micron thick tilithium alloy I could maybe get it working at a low output. But all the tilithium I can access is too thick and I’d run out of food long before I could shave any of it down to thin enough. I’m going to check the com array again tomorrow. Speaking of novels mine is coming along fine, Kim and Golurop have finally meet each other finally. End log entry.”
---
“You have no new messages. First saved message.”
“Hey Joc-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Day eighty-one of being adrift in the Casleo system. The coms array hadn’t changed since the last time I looked at it, still mostly intact but for the one important bit. I am about to drift out of Casleo two’s shadow though, be nice to see some new stars instead of the gas giant. End log entry.”
---
“You have one new message. First new message.”
“Hello - Jocobee - this is a reminder call that your subscription to - Trade Systems Monthly - will expire at the end of the galactic year if you do not renew. Have a pleasant day.”
“First saved message.”
“Hey Jocobee hope your plexal is staying wet! Me and the spawns are heading to Gor-”
“End, end messages… . … . … . Begin log entry. Day one hundred and three. I just can’t right now. I’ll explain tomorrow. End log entry.”
---
“You have n-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Day one two nine, you guessed it, Casleo. My plants are dying. If anyone has been following along with all my logs then they may remember aaaaaaaall the way back in log four when I mentioned the break in the water lines for them. I was more worried about having lost water then but I did get most of it back. I should have been worried about contamination, because that’s what happened. Something got in and now my plants are showing signs of toxic shock. I’ve not got much botany knowledge local and of course don’t have net access so I’m not sure what I can do. End log entry.”
---
“You have no-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Day one three three, Casleo. Nothing for the plants. I can get a bit more time but they’ll die and then I will a bit after. Had an idea for the warper. High probability it blows up and I die from that. We’ll see. End log entry.”
---
“You have one new message.”
“U.G.E. Gangaroulo, this is captain Murderkill of the U.G.E. Fuck It From Orbit, we’ve gotten your automated distress signal and are en route to a rescue. By the time this messages reaches you we should be twenty-four G.S. days out from your location, I hope you can last that long. Just know that help is on the way, end transmission.”
“Fir-”
“End messages. Begin log entry. Help is on the way! I just need to figure out how to buy an extra seven days of air. I’ve cut all my corner already but now I’ve got a real goal to keep me going instead of just foolish stubbornness. End log entry."
Pics
I’ll tell ya, I’m a sucker for sci-fi survival stories. That being said, my review might be leaning on bias for yours. Still, I’ll give it a fair shake on what I like and what I don’t like.
What I didn’t particularly like was the transmission set for humor. I mean, I get the point that those darn ads will find you anywhere, even when you are at your lowest (Trade Systems Monthly). Still though, you could add to the fact that Jocobee (fairly certain that’s the protagonist’s name) is frustrated by the disregard for battery life (adding to the ambience of desperation) or toss it out completely. Humor seems to interrupt the desperation for a hot second. But that may just be me.
What I’m unsure about is the all-dialogue. Sure, the dialogue does all it needs to, and there is not a need for narrative. I don’t know what else to say, but, be careful. Still though, if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it. It seems good at where it is at.
For what I like, is that you get a twinge of the character’s desperation as they are trying to survive with limited resources. Especially when it comes to the tilithium film. Especially nice touch with Jocobee considering the pros and cons on playing the long game. Here, also, we get a glimmer of hope when the transmission denoting that rescue is near is sent. But, still, it’s a great way to end off with a cliffhanger, hope on the horizon, but our hero is not out of the woods (or out of Casleo yet). Excellent way to end!
Thanks for writing!
What I didn’t particularly like was the transmission set for humor. I mean, I get the point that those darn ads will find you anywhere, even when you are at your lowest (Trade Systems Monthly). Still though, you could add to the fact that Jocobee (fairly certain that’s the protagonist’s name) is frustrated by the disregard for battery life (adding to the ambience of desperation) or toss it out completely. Humor seems to interrupt the desperation for a hot second. But that may just be me.
What I’m unsure about is the all-dialogue. Sure, the dialogue does all it needs to, and there is not a need for narrative. I don’t know what else to say, but, be careful. Still though, if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it. It seems good at where it is at.
For what I like, is that you get a twinge of the character’s desperation as they are trying to survive with limited resources. Especially when it comes to the tilithium film. Especially nice touch with Jocobee considering the pros and cons on playing the long game. Here, also, we get a glimmer of hope when the transmission denoting that rescue is near is sent. But, still, it’s a great way to end off with a cliffhanger, hope on the horizon, but our hero is not out of the woods (or out of Casleo yet). Excellent way to end!
Thanks for writing!
Post by
PinoyPony
, deleted
Post by
PinoyPony
, deleted
I like the central gimmick of this one where the whole story is told through log entries, and I think it has an okay balance of the narrator attempting to solve technical issues and humor. I can't say I've seen too many stories about people drifting away in broken spaceships where they get messages from annoying telemarketers. I would definitely be down to read a longer version of this that has more detail on the issues Jocobee's ship faces and how he goes about solving or mitigating them.
As far as things I didn't like as much, I think starting the story with the narrator describing their dinner makes for a weaker opening. I think it's natural that the mundane aspects like food would come up a lot and it would fit well in a longer version, but it feels like a weird way to attempt to hook your audience. My other complaint is that considering the entire story is told in dialogue from the main character, I don't feel like his personality shines through so he feels a little bland during the parts of the story where he's not freaking out.
Overall this one is solid.
As far as things I didn't like as much, I think starting the story with the narrator describing their dinner makes for a weaker opening. I think it's natural that the mundane aspects like food would come up a lot and it would fit well in a longer version, but it feels like a weird way to attempt to hook your audience. My other complaint is that considering the entire story is told in dialogue from the main character, I don't feel like his personality shines through so he feels a little bland during the parts of the story where he's not freaking out.
Overall this one is solid.
Yay, SF! This doesn't have the luxury of space to go into details, so the sparse log entries do fill things out.. One thing I would like to see in a revision would be more of a thematic link, with the chain of failing systems joined together logically so the reader can see the steps the narrator is taking to solve the problem. But that's second draft stuff. Thanks for creating this, Author!