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Lose Win Now
Overweight and happy and lonely
The pot belly man slumps in his chair
Staring at the video screen bored
Overweight and sad and lonely
The sack of human flesh stands from his chair
Looking for something exciting in this life
Fat and sad and lonely
The blob walks out of his room
Towards the door to the outside
Wondering aimlessly though the streets
He trips and falls and they all laugh
Walking over and around the splat
Wondering how to get from the sidewalk
A mountain of man offers his hand
Overweight and sad and lonely still reaches out for it
Wondering what to make of this
They began a conversation with each
To other they talk and the mountain of a man helps
Them the blob and the winner walk with purpose
Then winner suggests a change to less
With loser skeptical the anything would come
They go their separate ways for now
But later the sack of human flesh ponders the it
With what do with himself
The loser decides what to do
And goes to the winner for help
Deciding that pot belly man to win by losing
The pot belly man slumps in his chair
Staring at the video screen bored
Overweight and sad and lonely
The sack of human flesh stands from his chair
Looking for something exciting in this life
Fat and sad and lonely
The blob walks out of his room
Towards the door to the outside
Wondering aimlessly though the streets
He trips and falls and they all laugh
Walking over and around the splat
Wondering how to get from the sidewalk
A mountain of man offers his hand
Overweight and sad and lonely still reaches out for it
Wondering what to make of this
They began a conversation with each
To other they talk and the mountain of a man helps
Them the blob and the winner walk with purpose
Then winner suggests a change to less
With loser skeptical the anything would come
They go their separate ways for now
But later the sack of human flesh ponders the it
With what do with himself
The loser decides what to do
And goes to the winner for help
Deciding that pot belly man to win by losing
I like the use of repetitions and word choice that give the flow of the poem a sense of familiarity, despite having no rhyme or meter. It, along with the three line organization, does help give the whole thing a sense of structure.
In terms of emotional payoff, I do have to admit that I'm a little confused about what the takeaway is supposed to be. The decision of the 'blob' to lose weight didn't quite feel impactful to me, maybe because it only has the last line. Or it could be that since the prior descriptions of his life are painted in such a monotonely negative light, the idea that he should lose weight appears almost self-evident.
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why I'm kind of bouncing off the payoff here, so I'd definitely be interested in seeing what other reviewers have to say.
Thanks for entering!
In terms of emotional payoff, I do have to admit that I'm a little confused about what the takeaway is supposed to be. The decision of the 'blob' to lose weight didn't quite feel impactful to me, maybe because it only has the last line. Or it could be that since the prior descriptions of his life are painted in such a monotonely negative light, the idea that he should lose weight appears almost self-evident.
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why I'm kind of bouncing off the payoff here, so I'd definitely be interested in seeing what other reviewers have to say.
Thanks for entering!
I'm more confused by this one. I like the overall mood to it, but there's not enough context to feel like the overweight person has really changed. He makes a decision with someone's help, but we never see what that other person did to convince him. It just seems like the problem solves itself with little struggle, which is never that engrossing, even though the mood of the piece suggests it should be a struggle.
Structurally, the first three stanzas share an opening line with one word swapped out each time. I thought you were going to do something with that, but you don't do it with the other lines, and it stops after the third stanza. It could have been a pretty cool scheme for making a pattern. It's a rather stark one when you did use it, changing "happy" for "sad" right away, but it's hard to get too invested when there's nothing about how that change occurred, other than some obvious things I could presume. The changes would seem to be tied. Note how he's still "overweight" when both happy and sad, so the "bored" gives the immediate context of what changed to make him sad. Yet the problem is clearly still his weight, so it left me with a disconnect.
This one has more of a story than some of the entries. I'd just like a little more about why the story is impactful.
Structurally, the first three stanzas share an opening line with one word swapped out each time. I thought you were going to do something with that, but you don't do it with the other lines, and it stops after the third stanza. It could have been a pretty cool scheme for making a pattern. It's a rather stark one when you did use it, changing "happy" for "sad" right away, but it's hard to get too invested when there's nothing about how that change occurred, other than some obvious things I could presume. The changes would seem to be tied. Note how he's still "overweight" when both happy and sad, so the "bored" gives the immediate context of what changed to make him sad. Yet the problem is clearly still his weight, so it left me with a disconnect.
This one has more of a story than some of the entries. I'd just like a little more about why the story is impactful.
The rotund verse seeks hold
Strives to better, seeks to slim down,
Words unwrapping from waist.
Strives to better, seeks to slim down,
Words unwrapping from waist.