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The Devil's in the Details · Original Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
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Ripping Up the Pieces
The contents of this story are no longer available
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#1 · 1
I really like how this one handles how it builds up its suspense. You do a great job of progressively adding new layers to the situation throughout the story, and what begins with a pretty straightforward premise genuinely feels like a tangled mess by the time the climax comes around. Nicely done!

Now, I will have to note that not all of these layers/elements feel as resolved as the others in the end. Things like the bird or the schizophrenia reveal don't quite feel like they completely pay off. Their inclusion doesn't feel very impactful to the plot or to our understanding of the characters, at least to me. So while they do a great job from a mood perspective of adding to the feeling of convolution and confusion during the climax, on second and third read-throughs, they're elements I tend to gloss over.

I know that this piece isn't really trying to wrap things up with a tidy little bow by the end of things, so I think it's really up to you if and how you want to address my qualms with the payoff. Thank you for writing this!
#2 · 1
To be blunt:

All the grammar and usage issues made this extremely difficult for me to read. I'm not even sure what happens at the end because I simply couldn't get the words on the screen to resolve themselves into sensible sentences.

The problems start right at the beginning. The first paragraph is all in the past tense, but paragraphs 2 through about 10 are in the present tense. The story then pops back and forth between the two for a while before finally settling into the past tense. We're told that the man across from Jade has "a typical face and typical body and typical clothing," but then we're told that he has on a leather jacket and has "a myriad of rings on all of his fingers." That doesn't sound typical to me.

I also had POV problems. We're in Jade's point of view, but when she leaves the scene between paragraph 7 and 8, we don't go with her. This would be the perfect opportunity. author, to let us in on her thought processes so we can get to know her and what's going on with her.

So I'm sorry, but I couldn't get past the language barrier to read the story itself.

#3 ·
I think there's a good bit of suspense built up through this piece, but it could definitely be improved. There are a few parts, like Baal said, where you have the opportunity to explore Jade's thought process a bit more and provide some background earlier in the piece that could do a better job to hook the reader. Still, I enjoyed the build-up to the ending and the reveal, even if it was a little muddled.
#4 ·
First off, agree with Baal Bunny that the grammar and usage was distracting, especially near the beginning. Making sure to fix that would go a long way towards improving the immersion within your story.

I will disagree with Baal, though, in that I was able to get past the barrier because I enjoyed where the story ended up, which is an achievement. While the beginning couple of scenes are a little confusing to grasp, the story becomes more cohesive as it progresses. Would definitely have to agree with Bachi on this one.

I think the crow was a really nice touch. Out of the very limited horror that I've read, I immediately thought of Poe, and this showed even further as Jade's mental stability slowly degraded a la Tell-tale Heart.

Agree with other commenters that is more description needed. The final couple of reveals needed a little bit of rereading in order for me to draw a full picture, and I think some parts of the story were also extraneous (for example, some of the detective's questions). Overall though, I really enjoyed the story, so thanks for writing it!