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Separately in Cool Water. · Poetry Short Short ·
Organised by Anon Y Mous
Word limit 100–2000
Show rules for this event
Drunk Woman and Crippled Man
Drunk woman stumbles around,
enters the dirty bar.

Outside the sun is hidden by the clouds,
warm rain falls from the sky.

She shakes her umbrella,
splashing water on the faded floor.

It's late in the afternoon,
the bar is near empty.

Her head hurts with a pain,
but she doesn't sigh.

Months to live,
the drunk woman belly ups to the bar.

The bartender stares,
but says no word.

He knows better to,
for her wrath is deadly.

Cripple man gimps slowly,
enters the dirty bar.

He is wet from the rain,
because he has no hands free for an umbrella.

Though to be honest he doesn't mind,
rain never bother him anyway.

His heart is light,
for he is to meet the woman.

He loves her so,
ignorant of her time left.

Shuffling to the bar,
he sits next to her.

They chit chat and laugh,
then piss and moan about world.

Time passes in the bar,
the woman seems to be not there.

He asks what is wrong,
and she says “it's nothing!”

More time passes and night falls,
the rain becomes cooler.

They leave together,
ready to go their separate ways.

He asks her in the rain again “what is wrong?”
and doesn't incur her wrath.

While the woman is angry,
she cools her fire within.

Her time is short she tells him,
his reaction is predictable sorry.

She turns away from him,
he lurches to give her a hug.

The woman is in surprise,
yet doesn't complain.

The man tells her they'll meet tomorrow,
to do something more fun.

They talk in the rain,
and agree to meet somewhere.

Finally they go their separate ways,
in the cool night rain.

And the next months are better,
up to her end.

The man left behind sheds no tears,
except in his heart.
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#1 ·
· · >>Baal Bunny
Structurally, it's just each stanza being a separate action, but that works fine. There's not a set number of syllables per line, though they are still kept to about similar lengths. What led to to believe at first maybe you were going for a set syllable count is some of the odd phrasings or omitted words that you sometimes see in haiku, for example, to fit the structure. Or that may signify someone who's not a native English speaker (or was just rushed in writing it). Or, of course, doing it just to be different. Things like "belly ups" versus "bellies up," "rain never bother him" versus "bothers," "about world" omitting "the," even though that word hadn't been skipped elsewhere, and "is in surprise" sounding off.

As a story, I like it, these two (mismatched? I don't really know their background, but it seems they only ever meet there, suggesting they have different walks of life) people finding comfort in each other, and especially for her, finally letting someone do that. It really gets a lot of of the few words it uses.
#2 ·
Also very nice:

I had the same word concerns as >>Pascoite, and the line "Her head hurts with a pain" really stuck out at me as not adding anything. I'd like some quick visuals of the characters: does the drunk woman look disheveled, or is she careful about her appearance? Does the crippled man have a twisted foot or a twisted leg or a twisted hip or maybe all of these and more? I get that he's using two crutches since he hasn't got a hand available for an umbrella, but that just made me wonder if it rains so seldom that he doesn't usually have to worry about such things...

The last couplet, too, struck me as less than satisfying: crying inside is such a cliche, they even made a joke about it with Applejack on MLP. I'd like something a little more meaningful and surprising--the last line that sprang immediately to my mind is also kind of a cliche, but it fits the situation, is "except when it rains" to tie everything back to the imagery from the beginning. But that's me nitpicking... :)