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Close Shave
Stooping over her sink, she tried to shave it off. But, as dark purple hair was, in contrast to her fair white complexion, it was clear as Celestia’s day. She growled, slamming a hoof into the porcelain, then flinched back when pain shot up her hoof.
She glared at the reflection in the mirror, a mockery of her style and fashion and with a self-proclamation “It- is- ON!” She would find a way to get rid of this… eccentricity… soon enough. Then, she would let Sweetie have it. Sure, it was April Foals, but this was an ill-natured, impractical joke. If not harassment.
She paced back and forth, her rushed hoovesteps clattering against the tile. She posed, taking another gander at the mirror with all the grace she could, but the burly mat of hair was throwing everything off. She reached up to stroke it, finding an intriguing delight in twisting a few follicles. Maybe that’s why so many stallions stroked their mustache when thinking.
She pulled back.
No. Not now. She had to think. Without tolerating this fiasco.
Maybe she could sneak over to Aloe and Lotus. After all, with the poison joke incident a while back, they had the antidote on hand. Hair Elixir wasn’t that distantly related, was it?
But, how was she going to get there? Waltzing right outside would be social life suicide.
With a swift kick, she barged into her room. She snarled at the crumpled pile of blankets atop her mattress.
She’d deal with that issue later. She had bigger fish to fry.
“Hmph!” She turned up her snout, then retracted. She didn’t dare lift that rugged mop towards Celestia’s sky.
She stormed into her closet. Clothes hung in lines in the closet. As she progressed further in, She scoured her options. “Veils, no-“ She eliminated that option. She wouldn’t be caught with a gaudy fashion. A fashion that went out style once Coloratura fired her agent. Besides, it wouldn’t obscure her face enough.
“Bandana? Hmm… no.” She had no idea why she kept it anyway. When doing chores around the house, she tried something new and wore a bandana over her hair to keep it from gathering too much dust and dirt. But, that supposed life hack from a magazine ended as quickly as it begun.
“Oooohh,” She pressed a hoof to her hoof in intrigue and flinched as soon as hit her hair. She pulled a hanging scarf from atop the shelf and wrapped it over her muzzle.
One more thing.
She darted over to the mirror checking for any stray hairs poking out. Satisfied, she exited the closet and came to her coatrack.
“I will be going to Aloe and Lotus to see if they can wax it off.” Rarity slipped on the winter coat, thanking her lucky stars that it matched with the scarf.
“I said I was sorry!” A muffled voice from the blankets shouted.
“Whether you like it or not, we are in this predicament together.” Rarity said. “Thankfully, you have the sweet luxury of staying in the bedroom grounded while I risk my social status making this dangerous trek.”
Sweetie popped her head up from her fur. She wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. The elixir on her fur proved her immobile- at least without Rarity’s levitation spell help. Thank Celestia that the kitchen was just w flight of stairs, then her room.
Whatever the fiber was… it was heavy. And strong. And chaffing. And above all… the worst joke ever.
“You better hope this is reversible,” Rarity began. “Or you’ll be looking forward to spending the rest of your spring break as a convenient paperweight.”
Without another word, Rarity exited her home. Ready to face the world. Gold beard and all.
Rarity briskly trotted through the spa doors.
Aloe glanced up from her desk and smiled. “Oh, Hey Rarity! What brings you here?”
Rarity flinched when she started to tug off the scarf. Would Aloe or Lotus laugh? She wasn’t really thinking properly. Maybe it was that darn elixir. At this point, bolting out the door wouldn’t be a viable option, as Aloe already noted her presence. Plus, if anypony had an expertise on tricks to remove facial hair, it would be these two twins.
She pulled off the scarf. As soon as she did, Aloe’s jaw hung open “Uhhhhhh...”
Rarity blushed. Though, to think about it, her rosy cheeks would be buried underneath her whiskers. She smiled, though it felt strained underneath the hair. “Can you… reverse this?”
Aloe stood shocked, after a minute, she tucked her jaw back in. “I’ll do what I can.” She finally said.
Rarity followed her to the other room. She sighed, relieved to be able to confide in another pony. Aloe could be trusted, both since it was company policy to keep customer information private- and two, she never heard them join in on gossip.
“What is it?” Aloe asked. “I never seen it before.”
“Goldilocks,” Rarity said. “Sweetie got it as a gag gift somewhere, though I don’t remember where.”
She heard a gasp. Looking over, she saw Lotus. Lotus’s jaw was dropped.
Rarity sighed again. Make that two.
“I don’t mean to be rude, but I have an appointment with friends later tonight.” Rarity said.
“Sure thing.” Aloe galloped towards the closet and searched through various vials, jars, and bottles. She reached for a particular one and looked over her shoulder “You thinking what I’m thinking?”
Rarity nodded. “It’s our best bet.”
Lotus came to Rarity’s side and motioned towards the tub.
Rarity didn’t have to be told twice. She ran towards the tub, almost diving in. That would’ve been nasty if she did, because Lotus just barely twisted the handle to start the water when Rarity jumped in.
Aloe, not waiting another second, tossed the contents into the steamy water.
Rarity sighed in relief. Her mind flushed back all the stress as she wallowed back into the water, kicking her hind legs up as she laid down.
Above her, Lotus held two cucumbers and a jar of green paste
“You don’t waste any time, do you?” Rarity smiled.
Lotus had the slightest look of worry on her face. Rarity felt her heart drop.
“There is another customer coming in.” Aloe said.
“Rainbow! I didn’t know that you were coming here!” Rarity said. Under her breath, she mumbled ‘please don’t come over here. Please don’t come over here.’
“Hey, gotta kick back an’ relax sometime, right?” Rainbow said. “Just some getting some threading done.”
“Yeah! Rrrright!” She said. She bit back her tongue. The tone wasn’t right and Rainbow would notice. If word got out to any of her friends, it would be the end of her. she would be laughing stock.
She felt tense, as her vision was obscured by two cold cucumbers. Lotus took the edge off by massaging her shoulders.
“So, get this.” Rainbow started “Scoots shows up, and tells me she can’t hang out, something about a special meetup in clubhouse or something.”
“Huh,” Rarity says, curious to know if there were any similar fiascos. Maybe there was more than one spray bottle of Goldilocks. She bit back at the thought, since she remembered Sweetie at home. Poor Sweetie. Confined to a bed.
“Then, she tries to play a trick on me with a coin and a water bottle!” Rainbow chuckled. “Luckily, I knew the trick, and popped the water bottle, squirting the squirt in her face!”
Guess not. She wondered how the rest of her friends were doing, what type of tricks were played on them.
“Has Sweetie played any practical jokes on you today?” Rainbow asked.
Not practical. Impractical.
Rarity held her tongue. She got back to the matter at hand. She had to answer Maybe a no would’ve sufficed, but Rainbow would’ve got suspicious. She could pin it on the fact that Sweetie wasn’t that much of a prankster, but that would be a big, fat, lie. As plain as the nose, or beard, on her face.
“Rarity?”
“Oh, yes.” Rarity said “Thankfully, just like Scootaloo, it backfired for her also.”
Rainbow laughed heartily. “How did she react? What was the look on her face?”
Rarity shuddered at the vision in her head. Sweetie with her eyes bloodshot. Unable to move from her spot. As much as Rarity thought of it as Karma, she felt bad for her sister.
She answered, a little disgust in her voice tasted as sappy as the shaving cream from earlier. “Horribly. She is grounded in my room.”
“Oh.” Rainbow said.
After a moment of silence, Rainbow continued. “Well, as funny as it was, she was a good sport about it. She at first ran away from me, embarrassed, but I tracked her down and said it was ‘okay’. She’d be able to try next April Foal’s and get me. Then… we hugged and said ‘good game’”
“Glad to hear.” Rarity finally had some sincerity. After this, she would apologize to Sweetie for her yelling and shouting. It warmed her heart to hear that Rainbow Dash had a great experience with her little sister.
“You ready for the meetup tonight?” Rainbow asked. “Pinkie has a prank planned for one of us.”
Rarity tensed. She hoped the lot didn’t fall on her. She had enough of today as it was. Rarity answered “I will, I just need to make things up with my sister.”
“Oh. That bad, huh?”
“Yes, it’s been a wild ride.” Rarity said.
“She’ll come along- I know you aren’t the practical joke type, but if you laugh it off with her-” Rainbow paused. “Laughter is the best medicine they say, just look at Pinkie.”
“Yep, she is a prime example.” Rarity thought of Pinkie again. Maybe she could ask is Maud ever played a joke on her.
“Well, I gotta get ready,” Rainbow said “I’ll see you later tonight.”
“See you!” Rarity called back.
The doors swung closed after the chime of a bell. Rarity breathed a sigh of relief.
Lotus removed the cucumbers.
Rarity grit her teeth. “Did she notice?”
“Not at all.” Lotus said.
“Whew!” Rarity washed the cream off her face. She felt the sharp spindles on her chin. Her heart sank. If it was in the tub, it would’ve sank to the bottom, as heavy as the hair was. “It… It didn’t come out.”
“Well, not completely,” Aloe took a mirror off the nearby stand and gave it to Rarity “Thankfully, now you don’t have a beard, but a goatee.”
Rarity was surprised that Aloe or Lotus didn’t accept payment. Probably they felt bad about not being able to cure it.
She trotted down a windy dirt path, staying away from the patches of poison joke that ran alongside it. The last thing she needed was dealing with a bad hair day- or more of it.
If there was anypony in Equestria who would be able to find a cure, it would be Zecora. She just hoped that she could get through this maze of poison joke first.
“Rarity?” She heard right behind her.
Her blood ran cold. She tightened the scarf over her face and looked back “Applejack?”
“What are you doing here?” Applejack asked.
“Just taking care of business.” Rarity said. She held onto the scarf for dear life, if even a hair stuck out of place, it would be game over. She successfully avoided Dash at the spa, and hoped she’s be as lucky here. Then, she remembered something- Zecora was a bit of a ways from the Apple farm. “Wait a second, what are you doing here?” She asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“Oh, uhm, Applebloom is with Zecora.” Applejack said “I’m just checkin’ to see what they are up to.”
Lucky again. Knowing Applebloom, she would blab the news to all of Equestria again. It certain took a while for Equestria to forget her diary entries.
“Why are you here though?” Applejack asked, trotting a little closer, avoiding the flower patches cautiously “It’s a little too far for a stroll, especially with the Poison Joke in full bloom around these parts.”
“It’s nothing.” Rarity said.
“Rarity, I can’t hear a word you are sayin’” Applejack shook her head. “Can you take that darn thing off?”
“No.” Rarity spoke a little louder. “I have the flu. I don’t want you to catch it.”
Applejack stepped forward. “Well, then, you better skedaddle to Zecora’s. I’ll walk you there.”
“Really, you don’t have to.” Rarity said.
Applejack came to her side. “I insist.”
“No, actually, I’m coming back- I feel much better!” Rarity said.
“Rarity, can you take that thing off.” Applejack yanked the scarf. Rarity latched onto it tight, thankful to have the grip from her wrinkly hooves after the spa.
“Rarity! Look out!” Applejack pushed her out of the way, just in time. Applejack fell into a patch of Poison Joke. She cursed and brushed herself off. “Well, I guess that gives me an excuse to go to Aloe and Lotus’s” She held out her scarf, then dropped it.
Rarity’s eyes welled up with tears. Her cheeks flushed with heat, and under her coat, she started to feel the warm sweat on her back. She bolted out of the forest, jumping over patches of poison joke.
“Rarity! Wait!”
Rarity sunk back in her sheets.
“You okay, Sis?”
“Leave me alone.” Rarity said. She buried her head deeper into the pillows.
She heard a knock at the door.
“Aren’t you going to answer it?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“No.” Rarity said.
Rarity heard a knock again. She heard Sweetie open her mouth, as if to say something.
“No.” Rarity repeated.
“You know I cannot move.” Sweetie said. “It’s on you.”
“I can’t answer the door, I’m hideous.” Rarity sobbed.
“Rarity, please answer the door.” Applejack shouted from below.
“It’s Applejack. You need to answer.” Sweetie reasoned.
Rarity held her peace. Maybe Sweetie would stop pestering her for a while. Though, the fact of the matter is that she made a comfy pillow.
“I’m sorry.” Sweetie said. “I didn’t mean this to go this far.”
Sure you did. Rarity listened closely, the words of Rainbow ringing true.
“I’m sorry Sweetie, I didn’t mean to yell at you. I was just so frustrated…” Rarity said. “To be honest, I got most of it off, I might have a chance with another dose of Poison Joke Antidote.” Rarity snickered. “Do you mind if I use you as a pillow for now on?”
Sweetie laughed. “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. Remember?”
“Right.” Rarity said. She laughed evilly, or that is what she thought in her mind. “At my mercy!”
“At your mercy.” Sweetie chuckled. “One condition- answer the door.”
“What? No!”
Rarity realized she was too late. Her sister summersaulted like a pom-pom off the bed and towards the door.
“DON’T YOU DARE!” Rarity ran, wide-eyed after Sweetie. Sweetie rolled down the stairs, and towards the door. She wrenched the handle open with her magic.
Rarity froze as the door opened.
“Oh, there you are, Rarity,” Applejack said. “I’m sorry for botherin’ ya, but I had something to tell you.”
Rarity stood, still frozen.
“May I come in?” Applejack asked.
“Sure.” Rarity sighed. She shot Sweetie a nasty glared as she closed the door. Of course Sweetie couldn’t trot away, she was stuck a ball of fluff.
“Woah, what happened to Sweetie?”
“Same thing to me,” Rarity sighed. “Anyways, what do you need?”
“I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry for being rash back there.” Applejack fished in her saddlebags and pulled out the scarf. “You may want to wash it out first.”
Rarity held it with caution in her magic and levitated it to the laundry hamper.
“You’re okay, Applejack. I don’t blame you.” Rarity sighed again. “I’m sorry, I look ridiculous.”
“It ain’t your fault.” Applejack said. “I was caught off-guard.”
Rarity hid her muzzle in her forelegs.
“If anything, I kinda like the new look.” Applejack started.
Rarity blanched “Really?”
“Yeah, it makes you look… Sophisticated.” Applejack said, grinning at the last word she used.
Rarity eyed Applejack nervously and chuckled softly. Trying not to make the situation awkward was long gone. “I’m sorry about running off.”
“It’s a natural tick.” Applejack said. “Having a fun April foals?”
“Quite.” Rarity said.
“You should’ve seen Applebloom run after she got me.”
Rarity stayed silent.
“Actually, I have an odd request.” Applejack’s cheeks grew rosy.
“Oh?” Rarity said.
"Do you have more of that stuff?" She asked "I want to surprise Big Mac and Applebloom with a prank of my own.
Pics
I'm going to start with the negative: there's some distinctly weak writing in this piece. The second sentence of the fic, for example, isn't actually a sentence, insofar as it appears to lack a direct object (her "dark purple hair was..." what, exactly?). Or take this passage:
The first sentence is parsable, but has a misused word in "proved," an inconsistent-in-its-spacing hyphen in place of a dash (that's the least of your troubles, really, but it's there), and mangled word order in its back half. The second sentence is almost pure word salad. I'm not trying to be mean, but there are plenty of places in this story where there are enough issues that figuring out what you were trying to say was a real chore, and a few where I simply wasn't up to the task at all.
But the parts I could parse? Well, I think there's plenty of promise there. Prank wars can be low-hanging fruit, comedy-wise, but sticking Rarity with a beard/goatee is great. The more you do with that--the more you can make her question her femininity--the better. Sweetie the floof ball is a great visual. Also, you can play up AJ's blase-ness about it even more; expanding that divide between Rarity's image-consciousness and AJ's disinterest in the same will help bring out the comedic contrast that you've already got.
Right now, the word- and sentence-level construction is what's holding this back. But a story with a good idea and weak writing is a thousand times easier to make great than a technically perfect one that's just boring. With a bit of elbow grease and a good editor, I think this will clean up nicely.
The elixir on her fur proved her immobile- at least without Rarity’s levitation spell help. Thank Celestia that the kitchen was just w flight of stairs, then her room.
The first sentence is parsable, but has a misused word in "proved," an inconsistent-in-its-spacing hyphen in place of a dash (that's the least of your troubles, really, but it's there), and mangled word order in its back half. The second sentence is almost pure word salad. I'm not trying to be mean, but there are plenty of places in this story where there are enough issues that figuring out what you were trying to say was a real chore, and a few where I simply wasn't up to the task at all.
But the parts I could parse? Well, I think there's plenty of promise there. Prank wars can be low-hanging fruit, comedy-wise, but sticking Rarity with a beard/goatee is great. The more you do with that--the more you can make her question her femininity--the better. Sweetie the floof ball is a great visual. Also, you can play up AJ's blase-ness about it even more; expanding that divide between Rarity's image-consciousness and AJ's disinterest in the same will help bring out the comedic contrast that you've already got.
Right now, the word- and sentence-level construction is what's holding this back. But a story with a good idea and weak writing is a thousand times easier to make great than a technically perfect one that's just boring. With a bit of elbow grease and a good editor, I think this will clean up nicely.
Definitely an at-the-deadline first-draft submission. Been there, done that, so I won't ding you much for that. Enough of your writing shines that I am convinced that I am correct and, besides which, I don't like copyediting. That said, only two things: Purple is mentioned, then gold. Which is it? "Snout...retracted..." In that context, really? Enough said.
Standard disclaimer: This is all from the POV on one reader. Take what I say or leave it, but you choose what.
Overall, I liked the story and the concept of the story. I think you captured the essence of both Rarity and Applejack well. Except for the unwonted severity of how Rarity retaliated upon Sweetie, it read very much like a show episode. I think that Rarity acted consistently. I am not sure that RD would have reacted to Scoots' prank that way, but I can see it happening, too. The train of worsening and solution from the mirror scene, to the visit to the spa, to encounter on the way to Zecora's, to the final confrontation at the door—that all worked well plot-wise. Though not knocking it, I am going to say it felt like a pretty standard show plot other than the friendship lesson felt slightly unconvincing.
Things that stood out—and intuition tells me you would have corrected this in later drafts—is the delay in showing up what happened to Rarity and Sweetie (not saying what, I mean, spoilers...). I know you did that for effect, playing it out with hints and wutnot, suspense, right, but, really, no, not effective, IMHO. It has the affect of characterizing the narrator as having fun with the reader at the reader's expense. It's not that you can't characterize a narrator, please understand. You can, but you need to bring up the character of the narrator up front as a view point (usually as a first person observer or confidant, or like Dickens did) and use it consistently. By the time I learned the sum total of what happened to Sweetie, I felt disappointed. Cute. Yes, but not enough payoff. I got that Rarity got mad and grounded Sweetie, but I didn't get a real hint of in what way until Rarity finally left the house, and then the sum total of the magical affect only after Rarity returned. The result was that three separate images of what happened lodged in my mind. My advice: get it over with so we can travel through the story with the final image. Same with what happened to Rarity. It takes until she leaves the house to get the full extent. In any case, how you did it didn't work for me.
The other lack—and once again it might be the first draft nature of the story—was that the story lacked sensual hints. I never felt like I was there. I didn't see the house or spa or forest where Rarity was. A wise writer once told me to include all five senses in every scene, and three at least. I didn't smell Rarity's perfumes. The hair in question didn't prickle or itch. The spa didn't feel luxurious. Applejack didn't have mud on her hooves or smell like a barn. Did the poison joke leaves rustle in the wind? Etc.
What Applejack plans at the end of the story was a satisfying twist, however.
Standard disclaimer: This is all from the POV on one reader. Take what I say or leave it, but you choose what.
Overall, I liked the story and the concept of the story. I think you captured the essence of both Rarity and Applejack well. Except for the unwonted severity of how Rarity retaliated upon Sweetie, it read very much like a show episode. I think that Rarity acted consistently. I am not sure that RD would have reacted to Scoots' prank that way, but I can see it happening, too. The train of worsening and solution from the mirror scene, to the visit to the spa, to encounter on the way to Zecora's, to the final confrontation at the door—that all worked well plot-wise. Though not knocking it, I am going to say it felt like a pretty standard show plot other than the friendship lesson felt slightly unconvincing.
Things that stood out—and intuition tells me you would have corrected this in later drafts—is the delay in showing up what happened to Rarity and Sweetie (not saying what, I mean, spoilers...). I know you did that for effect, playing it out with hints and wutnot, suspense, right, but, really, no, not effective, IMHO. It has the affect of characterizing the narrator as having fun with the reader at the reader's expense. It's not that you can't characterize a narrator, please understand. You can, but you need to bring up the character of the narrator up front as a view point (usually as a first person observer or confidant, or like Dickens did) and use it consistently. By the time I learned the sum total of what happened to Sweetie, I felt disappointed. Cute. Yes, but not enough payoff. I got that Rarity got mad and grounded Sweetie, but I didn't get a real hint of in what way until Rarity finally left the house, and then the sum total of the magical affect only after Rarity returned. The result was that three separate images of what happened lodged in my mind. My advice: get it over with so we can travel through the story with the final image. Same with what happened to Rarity. It takes until she leaves the house to get the full extent. In any case, how you did it didn't work for me.
The other lack—and once again it might be the first draft nature of the story—was that the story lacked sensual hints. I never felt like I was there. I didn't see the house or spa or forest where Rarity was. A wise writer once told me to include all five senses in every scene, and three at least. I didn't smell Rarity's perfumes. The hair in question didn't prickle or itch. The spa didn't feel luxurious. Applejack didn't have mud on her hooves or smell like a barn. Did the poison joke leaves rustle in the wind? Etc.
What Applejack plans at the end of the story was a satisfying twist, however.
Quick Takes:
One page in, and a mustache prank! Great idea from the picture prompt!
A lot of typos are really breaking my immersion.
A long way in and I'm still not sure what Sweetie looks like. Some visual description would've helped earlier on.
Pros:
A funny idea, especially considering the prompt picture.
Everypony felt in character.
Cons:
A lot of technical problems made it hard to not get distracted.
More visual detail would've helped. I assumed it was a mustache until two pages in and found it was a beard. Ditto with Sweetie. I thought she was just hiding in blankets, or immobile like velcro or something. Only at the end do I get an impression it was more Flufflepuff.
The two-part take drags things out. Going to Aloe & Lotus, THEN also going to Zecora's needlessly drags things out, (without actually getting to Zecora's.)
Summary:
A funny idea, and a great choice of subjects, but it needs a lot of polish, both technically, and in overall pacing. Above all, this is a comedy piece, and comedy is all about timing. The pacing on this slows a bit too much at times, and I think could be improved to make the jokes and physical/sight gags work to better effect. Still, a fun read though!
One page in, and a mustache prank! Great idea from the picture prompt!
A lot of typos are really breaking my immersion.
A long way in and I'm still not sure what Sweetie looks like. Some visual description would've helped earlier on.
Pros:
A funny idea, especially considering the prompt picture.
Everypony felt in character.
Cons:
A lot of technical problems made it hard to not get distracted.
More visual detail would've helped. I assumed it was a mustache until two pages in and found it was a beard. Ditto with Sweetie. I thought she was just hiding in blankets, or immobile like velcro or something. Only at the end do I get an impression it was more Flufflepuff.
The two-part take drags things out. Going to Aloe & Lotus, THEN also going to Zecora's needlessly drags things out, (without actually getting to Zecora's.)
Summary:
A funny idea, and a great choice of subjects, but it needs a lot of polish, both technically, and in overall pacing. Above all, this is a comedy piece, and comedy is all about timing. The pacing on this slows a bit too much at times, and I think could be improved to make the jokes and physical/sight gags work to better effect. Still, a fun read though!
I'll agree:
With those above about the fun situation here, but I'll also agree about the roughness, especially when it came to visualizing things. The line, "Maybe that’s why so many stallions stroked their mustache when thinking" in the third paragraph immediately made me see Rarity with a big, bushy mustache. It's not till halfway through the story when Aloe says, "Thankfully, now you don’t have a beard, but a goatee" that I get the full picture. It always trips me up when reading, as I think I talked about on an earlier story this round, when I've got to rework the image in my head because I wasn't given complete information to start with. It's a similar thing with Sweetie Belle. I don't get any sort of description of what's happened to her at the top, so I had no idea how to see her till nearly the end.
Something else I'll bring up are the character voices. One of my favorite things about this show is how distinctly the characters speak--not just the sound of their voices but more importantly the words they choice to use. I tend to go too far on this--especially when I'm writing Applejack--but to have AJ say as she does here "It’s a little too far for a stroll" instead of something like "Kinda far for a stroll," or "I was caught off-guard" instead of something like "Caught me off guard's all," again, it might just be me, but I thought I'd bring it up... :)
Mike
With those above about the fun situation here, but I'll also agree about the roughness, especially when it came to visualizing things. The line, "Maybe that’s why so many stallions stroked their mustache when thinking" in the third paragraph immediately made me see Rarity with a big, bushy mustache. It's not till halfway through the story when Aloe says, "Thankfully, now you don’t have a beard, but a goatee" that I get the full picture. It always trips me up when reading, as I think I talked about on an earlier story this round, when I've got to rework the image in my head because I wasn't given complete information to start with. It's a similar thing with Sweetie Belle. I don't get any sort of description of what's happened to her at the top, so I had no idea how to see her till nearly the end.
Something else I'll bring up are the character voices. One of my favorite things about this show is how distinctly the characters speak--not just the sound of their voices but more importantly the words they choice to use. I tend to go too far on this--especially when I'm writing Applejack--but to have AJ say as she does here "It’s a little too far for a stroll" instead of something like "Kinda far for a stroll," or "I was caught off-guard" instead of something like "Caught me off guard's all," again, it might just be me, but I thought I'd bring it up... :)
Mike
First entry of the year, and a poor start. Ugh. I should learn not to procrastinate, but muses have different plans.
Always a day late and a dollar short.
>>Chris
It makes sense why the sentence structure is sloppy. (To show how bad I am at this, can you define Parse? I looked it up l, but by definition, it's just not crystal clear yet.) It's because I got dinged a while back for using the same sentence structure over and over (Subject, Verb, Object) My greatest weakness is overcompensation.
I would use an editor, but I don't know who would get up at 4 am at my moment of need (maybe it's more of a want… ugh…). Either way, thanks! I'll have to study up on sentence structure now.
>>scifipony
*Holds out wrists* “You got me.”
I'm getting mixed reviews. Some say I should play into Rarity's femininity more along with AJ's blase-ness. Some say I did alright. All I can say is that it was hard both ways to portray AJ and Rarity since they are specialized.
To clarify the gold-purple thing, it's an unfinished plot I forgot to chop off. Originally, I wanted to add gold hair (literal gold, pun name Goldilocks) to weigh down Sweetie (gold is dense) and that is also why Rarity couldn't just shave it off (metal on metal is not effective). Though, that last statement I'm doubtful of, and that's another reason why I chopped it.
Also, I didn't mean to hold the reader in suspense. I guess since I like playing with the idea of a plot twist to spice things up that it snuck into this story (when I meant to leave it out). I thought that the implication of what Sweetie did to more extent would've helped.
Also, I've had problems with POV ever since I was taught to lay off the (omnipresent? Where you can see into all the character's minds? I'm not sure if that's the right term).
But, the piece of advice that strikes me the most is five senses… that one's an easy fix. I've noticed that I have a tendency to overdo setting, but those cut-backs have taken away the grounding for the story. But, it's an easy way back.
Thanks for reading!
>>Xepher
Yes, the pacing takes a hit at Aloe and Lotus. The two reasons why I had it that way is because this would be Rarity's first line of defense, and also Dash later showing up to add some resolve. With this new addition to Rarity's look, she would want to run away from her friends almost immediately. But, with Aloe and Lotus running the antidote, it has her sit still long enough to hear Dash's story.
Secondly, I guess it was a Cop-out, but it was 1 hour left and I couldn't pop out rhymes that Zecora used and with the right flow fast enough. So, option 2 came apparent. Use Applejack trying to get Applebloom. Rarity turns back because she doesn't want to be spotted by Applebloom nor Applejack.
Sorry about the block of text above. I guess I'm good at excuses. But, just like Rarity's goatee, this isn't an easy fix.
But, for the condensed version with Pros and cons, I like that. Just a preference because it's to the point (I should try it. Do you mind if I use it?)
Thanks for the review!
>>Baal Bunny
So, this is kinda a last minute reply, so forgive me if it doesn't make sense completely.
As said above, the most prominent mistake was caused by me being sleepy and running out of time. Eh, Excuses… I'm sorry.
The second paragraph is actually a less easy fix than the 5 senses mentioned by Xepher, but it's one that I can give a better whirl. I chose a hard one when I decided on using Applejack and Rarity as two characters present in the story (partially why I cut out Zecora with a likely excuse). Lets just say I don't know a whole lot about voicing those three since they are very different personalities. But, I guess I can reference your work (if you don't mind). If I can remember correctly, didn't you make the Sunburn fic six months back?
...Just looked it up. “Down to Roots.” is what it's called. Excellent source of Applejack voicing.
Thanks for reading!
Final words:
Clear in my sleepy mind, sleepy on my clear paper. This one is definitely a keeper. Though it will take a long time to get on FF.
My curse is that I love these ideas, just my execution is very poor.
I gotta stop procrastinating on Writeoff.
Always a day late and a dollar short.
>>Chris
It makes sense why the sentence structure is sloppy. (To show how bad I am at this, can you define Parse? I looked it up l, but by definition, it's just not crystal clear yet.) It's because I got dinged a while back for using the same sentence structure over and over (Subject, Verb, Object) My greatest weakness is overcompensation.
I would use an editor, but I don't know who would get up at 4 am at my moment of need (maybe it's more of a want… ugh…). Either way, thanks! I'll have to study up on sentence structure now.
>>scifipony
*Holds out wrists* “You got me.”
I'm getting mixed reviews. Some say I should play into Rarity's femininity more along with AJ's blase-ness. Some say I did alright. All I can say is that it was hard both ways to portray AJ and Rarity since they are specialized.
To clarify the gold-purple thing, it's an unfinished plot I forgot to chop off. Originally, I wanted to add gold hair (literal gold, pun name Goldilocks) to weigh down Sweetie (gold is dense) and that is also why Rarity couldn't just shave it off (metal on metal is not effective). Though, that last statement I'm doubtful of, and that's another reason why I chopped it.
Also, I didn't mean to hold the reader in suspense. I guess since I like playing with the idea of a plot twist to spice things up that it snuck into this story (when I meant to leave it out). I thought that the implication of what Sweetie did to more extent would've helped.
Also, I've had problems with POV ever since I was taught to lay off the (omnipresent? Where you can see into all the character's minds? I'm not sure if that's the right term).
But, the piece of advice that strikes me the most is five senses… that one's an easy fix. I've noticed that I have a tendency to overdo setting, but those cut-backs have taken away the grounding for the story. But, it's an easy way back.
Thanks for reading!
>>Xepher
Yes, the pacing takes a hit at Aloe and Lotus. The two reasons why I had it that way is because this would be Rarity's first line of defense, and also Dash later showing up to add some resolve. With this new addition to Rarity's look, she would want to run away from her friends almost immediately. But, with Aloe and Lotus running the antidote, it has her sit still long enough to hear Dash's story.
Secondly, I guess it was a Cop-out, but it was 1 hour left and I couldn't pop out rhymes that Zecora used and with the right flow fast enough. So, option 2 came apparent. Use Applejack trying to get Applebloom. Rarity turns back because she doesn't want to be spotted by Applebloom nor Applejack.
Sorry about the block of text above. I guess I'm good at excuses. But, just like Rarity's goatee, this isn't an easy fix.
But, for the condensed version with Pros and cons, I like that. Just a preference because it's to the point (I should try it. Do you mind if I use it?)
Thanks for the review!
>>Baal Bunny
So, this is kinda a last minute reply, so forgive me if it doesn't make sense completely.
As said above, the most prominent mistake was caused by me being sleepy and running out of time. Eh, Excuses… I'm sorry.
The second paragraph is actually a less easy fix than the 5 senses mentioned by Xepher, but it's one that I can give a better whirl. I chose a hard one when I decided on using Applejack and Rarity as two characters present in the story (partially why I cut out Zecora with a likely excuse). Lets just say I don't know a whole lot about voicing those three since they are very different personalities. But, I guess I can reference your work (if you don't mind). If I can remember correctly, didn't you make the Sunburn fic six months back?
...Just looked it up. “Down to Roots.” is what it's called. Excellent source of Applejack voicing.
Thanks for reading!
Final words:
Clear in my sleepy mind, sleepy on my clear paper. This one is definitely a keeper. Though it will take a long time to get on FF.
My curse is that I love these ideas, just my execution is very poor.
I gotta stop procrastinating on Writeoff.