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>>Moosetasm
>>SPark
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Not_A_Hat
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Misternick
>>Xepher
>>Ranmilia
>>Rao
>>AndrewRogue
>>CoffeeMinion
Thanks muchly for the feedback, everyone. I only wish I had had time to enter writeoffs sooner, since even if I don't win anything, I can still use the advice and fix the stories up for fimfiction later. Getting into the second round was a personal victory too, so a "thank you" to the voters!
>>SPark
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Not_A_Hat
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Misternick
>>Xepher
>>Ranmilia
>>Rao
>>AndrewRogue
>>CoffeeMinion
Thanks muchly for the feedback, everyone. I only wish I had had time to enter writeoffs sooner, since even if I don't win anything, I can still use the advice and fix the stories up for fimfiction later. Getting into the second round was a personal victory too, so a "thank you" to the voters!
>>Ritsuko
To clarify, said-bookisms should be the last thing you spend a lot of time on. "Said" is an invisible word, so you can pretty much use it in most cases, and it won't stick out, as repeated words tend to. Alternately, you can often include dialogue in a paragraph along with an action taken by the speaker, and simply avoid using a said-bookism altogether.
To clarify, said-bookisms should be the last thing you spend a lot of time on. "Said" is an invisible word, so you can pretty much use it in most cases, and it won't stick out, as repeated words tend to. Alternately, you can often include dialogue in a paragraph along with an action taken by the speaker, and simply avoid using a said-bookism altogether.
We're now at the point where if I want to say anything no one else has said, I have to resort to picking nits.
Inclusion of the ® symbol in fictional brand names may be alright in satirical writing, but this is not that. It's something of an old joke anyway.
For some reason, people don't write pony fiction in the first person that often, so it is always a nice change of pace to see. Some of the more advanced language RD uses here might be explained by her having taken up reading. But then, why does she say things like, "A library? Really? Boooooo." Reading should be no problem anymore; it's studying that she has trouble with.
Phrases like A considerably long time later… are things used in funnybooks, but not prose writing. Scene breaks do the same thing, are less obtrusive, and are professional standard.
Watch out for misuse of said-bookisms. In this piece I only see one that sticks out: "growled." These are normally used a lot in juvenile writing and lower, but when writing for adults it is better to stick with "said" unless you have no choice.
Overall, it seems alright to me, but I'm not well-versed in slice-of-life stories, so take that for what it's worth.
Inclusion of the ® symbol in fictional brand names may be alright in satirical writing, but this is not that. It's something of an old joke anyway.
For some reason, people don't write pony fiction in the first person that often, so it is always a nice change of pace to see. Some of the more advanced language RD uses here might be explained by her having taken up reading. But then, why does she say things like, "A library? Really? Boooooo." Reading should be no problem anymore; it's studying that she has trouble with.
Phrases like A considerably long time later… are things used in funnybooks, but not prose writing. Scene breaks do the same thing, are less obtrusive, and are professional standard.
Watch out for misuse of said-bookisms. In this piece I only see one that sticks out: "growled." These are normally used a lot in juvenile writing and lower, but when writing for adults it is better to stick with "said" unless you have no choice.
Overall, it seems alright to me, but I'm not well-versed in slice-of-life stories, so take that for what it's worth.
For me, this one is a case of "close, but no cigar." It made me laugh a few times, to be sure. It is probably the most efficient piss-take on bad HiE cliches I've seen. But it has two issues: the ending, and the question of whether it counts as a story.
Most of this story only needs a few tweaks at the most, but I would actually throw the ending out altogether. It's a poor fit for the rest of the story, and leaves a bad taste in the mouth. It is funny to make the Gary-Stus look stupid, but a grisly demise is not so funny. Instead, find a way to conclude the piece within the context of the "paperwork" itself. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Now, the big question: is this a proper story, or just a vignette? It is possible for pieces like this to be stories, but it has to be the sort of story one can puzzle out if one reads between the lines. So it's high-risk, high reward. I shall be interested to see the end result.
Most of this story only needs a few tweaks at the most, but I would actually throw the ending out altogether. It's a poor fit for the rest of the story, and leaves a bad taste in the mouth. It is funny to make the Gary-Stus look stupid, but a grisly demise is not so funny. Instead, find a way to conclude the piece within the context of the "paperwork" itself. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Now, the big question: is this a proper story, or just a vignette? It is possible for pieces like this to be stories, but it has to be the sort of story one can puzzle out if one reads between the lines. So it's high-risk, high reward. I shall be interested to see the end result.
Firstly, hats off for having written Pinkie so well, since that's difficult to do without having her come across as annoying. The idea is pretty original, and the prose is good in the midst of all its Pinkish stylization.
The weak point, I think, is the ending. Often, the line between comedy and tragedy is a fine one (yet another reason why comedy is so hard to do well). Roald Dahl said (I paraphrase) that if a can of paint falls from a ladder and douses a man, that's funny; but if it breaks his head and kills him, that's tragic. Of course, you can also make tragedy seem funny my making it just absurd enough, or by referencing something else. GroaningGreyAgony suggests the final line, “And that’s how Equestria was unmade!” I agree.
Alternately, you could have the result be explosive and embarrassing, but no so utterly destructive. I would call that more intrinsically funny, and more in the spirit of the show.
The weak point, I think, is the ending. Often, the line between comedy and tragedy is a fine one (yet another reason why comedy is so hard to do well). Roald Dahl said (I paraphrase) that if a can of paint falls from a ladder and douses a man, that's funny; but if it breaks his head and kills him, that's tragic. Of course, you can also make tragedy seem funny my making it just absurd enough, or by referencing something else. GroaningGreyAgony suggests the final line, “And that’s how Equestria was unmade!” I agree.
Alternately, you could have the result be explosive and embarrassing, but no so utterly destructive. I would call that more intrinsically funny, and more in the spirit of the show.
Here, I certainly see a flair for the strange and uncanny. The trouble, as others have pointed out, is that a piece can be so mysterious as to be incomprehensible. Obviously one does not want to be too obvious either, so it can take some experimentation to find the happy medium.
Beware also of said-bookisms. You know--"exclaimed," "declared," "responded," etc. These are alright for juvenile-level readers and lower, but for adults they are usually redundant. Use them only when necessary.
Beware also of said-bookisms. You know--"exclaimed," "declared," "responded," etc. These are alright for juvenile-level readers and lower, but for adults they are usually redundant. Use them only when necessary.
A few years ago, there was a Fimfiction contest called "The Most Dangerous Game," with the challenge of taking a concept that was really hard to pull off, and turning it into a good story. The most difficult of the prescribed concepts was second-person writing. This is because for it to work, there must be a reason. A couple of people managed to pull that off; for example, the story was told in the form of a letter or an accusation. But I think this story would be better suited for first- or third-person.
The other big issue is that a story with this much worldbuilding and violent action wants to be longer. I can practically watch this one strain against the world count limit. I've been there: You think you can get it in under the limit, but then you run out of time and space, and have to hand in what you've got.
On the plus side, this does show much promise, since it is certainly not boring, and fast-moving, evocative description such as this is important for this sort of story. Keep working on your skills, Grasshopper! I will be interested to see future improvements.
The other big issue is that a story with this much worldbuilding and violent action wants to be longer. I can practically watch this one strain against the world count limit. I've been there: You think you can get it in under the limit, but then you run out of time and space, and have to hand in what you've got.
On the plus side, this does show much promise, since it is certainly not boring, and fast-moving, evocative description such as this is important for this sort of story. Keep working on your skills, Grasshopper! I will be interested to see future improvements.
This one gets major points for originality and humor, but it is toward the end that it begins to show signs of strain from the word count limit. Some ideas simply need more space, and this is one of those. The TV could be introduced earlier, the stripped-down prose of the last scene could be more detailed, and so on. You could even include a few more jokes, provided they did not stretch the concept too thin.
Comedy is hard to do well, which is why this one scores major points in my book. Not that I'm an expert, but I know when I'm laughing. The concept of strange, subtle magical systems explaining the show's plot lines is reminiscent of Horizon's "Versebreakers" stories, and I would like to see people attempt this more often.
My only big quibble is with the ending. Endings to comedies must of course be punchlines, but this one's final line is a non sequitur. Adventure stories are my other favorite genre, and in no case is there ever a bard. Bardic adventurers were an invention of tabletop games, as far as I know.
My only big quibble is with the ending. Endings to comedies must of course be punchlines, but this one's final line is a non sequitur. Adventure stories are my other favorite genre, and in no case is there ever a bard. Bardic adventurers were an invention of tabletop games, as far as I know.
It is really hard to sell me on slice-of-life stories, but this one pulls it off. Not much happens, but there is a theme and a moral, and just enough warm fuzzies to be sweet without being saccharine. Plus, the length restriction doesn't seem to affect the quality of the prose, which is impressive on its own.
The only real issue I find is an advanced stylistic one: overuse of adverbs. Adverbs are not necessarily bad, but too many words ending in "-ly" can weaken the emotional strength of the piece, as they are not terribly evocative. Try to explore a few alternatives for description, and see what you can come up with.
The only real issue I find is an advanced stylistic one: overuse of adverbs. Adverbs are not necessarily bad, but too many words ending in "-ly" can weaken the emotional strength of the piece, as they are not terribly evocative. Try to explore a few alternatives for description, and see what you can come up with.
I cannot say anything that has not already been said, except this: I'll eat my hat if I haven't already guessed the author.
This may be my favorite among the stories I've been allotted. Whereas a lot of stories of this length fall apart (or at least crack) at the end, here the last sentence ties the whole thing together. The moral that one should know when to disobey is one I am all for, and it is unfortunately a rare one.
I have always liked the idea behind the "what-if" stories of Luna, or even Nightmare Moon, having won the power struggle, and the future ramifications. I like this one in particular because it doesn't overreach itself, as these epic AUs tend to. I also find no bones in the narrative or character voices.
Therefore, I am reduced to picking nits. The interrobang (?!) is used in comic books, but is a poor fit for prose writing, and I always recommend avoiding it altogether. I also see a few cases of ellipsis-itis--that is, overuse of the ellipsis as a crutch. Different phrasing, or alternate punctuation marks, tend to make for stronger prose.
I have always liked the idea behind the "what-if" stories of Luna, or even Nightmare Moon, having won the power struggle, and the future ramifications. I like this one in particular because it doesn't overreach itself, as these epic AUs tend to. I also find no bones in the narrative or character voices.
Therefore, I am reduced to picking nits. The interrobang (?!) is used in comic books, but is a poor fit for prose writing, and I always recommend avoiding it altogether. I also see a few cases of ellipsis-itis--that is, overuse of the ellipsis as a crutch. Different phrasing, or alternate punctuation marks, tend to make for stronger prose.
Paging WIP